


Rescue Me

by gr8escap



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Political Animals
Genre: Adoption, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky's a dad - Freeform, Dogs, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Gunshot Wounds, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Injury Recovery, Longing, M/M, Major Character Injury, Male Homosexuality, Multi, Oral Sex, Poly Family, Polyamory, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Reunions, Separation, Switching, TJ's a Dad, Three Men and a Baby, in which TJ Steve and Bucky adopt a baby, steve's a dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-13 01:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 275,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7133417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gr8escap/pseuds/gr8escap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You hear it all the time in the animal rescue community, "who rescued who" (more appropriately whom), in this case, TJ, Bucky and Edgar the dog all need rescuing from something and each of them plays a part in the other's salvation</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He felt fuzzy-headed but the pain was still there. He took another swig of the amber liquid and waved sloppily to the bartender. Squeezing his eyes shut to try to bury the stinging tears felt like an even worse fire. He wiped the heel of his palm across first one eye then the other.

“Better ease up on that stuff.” The bartender said, and who asked his fucking opinion? He looked up to ask him exactly that and was too slow to do so before the man continued, “After all, people will talk.”

“Let’em” he slurred, trying to focus on the man in front of him, “pretty eyes.” He thought and blinked.

“Thanks pal,” the man laughed softly, “Can’t say that’s the best pickup line I’ve ever heard, would expect better from the president’s son, to be honest.”

“’M not hhim.” He muttered before perking up a little, “I get that a lot.”

“No, pal. _I_ get that a lot, you’re just him. TJ Hammond.”

“Shhh! Jesus.” TJ cursed. He looked closer at the man, fuck he looked like – how the hell? “Who are you?”

“Nobody. Just your friendly purveyor of spirits.”

TJ squinted to get a better look; the man’s features were eerily similar to TJ’s own. His dark hair was pulled back, long enough to put in an impressive man bun. Not TJ’s usual preference, but it looked good on this man. He sported equally remarkable facial hair but you could still see the dimple in his chin. “What the hell?”

“I don’t know. Strong genes maybe? Clones?” The man laughed at himself as he pulled a draft for another customer.

TJ watched him move, agile and quick, slender with an impressive chest and arms, good hell this man’s arms could hardly be contained in the snug long-sleeved shirt he was wearing. TJ peered into the mirror behind the bar, he chose this old-school establishment, just this side of seedy, because the men in an old-school bar rarely bothered TJ and the women were generally sweet. In the mirror he caught sight of the man’s ass and extraordinary thighs.

He came back, talking to the people on the opposite side of TJ before stopping in front of TJ again. “Something wrong with the drink? You haven’t touched it.”

“Maybe you’re right about easing up. Who are you, really?”

“Listen, I’m just a barkeep. I sling a mean drink and the tips are good. I don’t know why your face matches mine. Gypsy curse?”

“You don’t take anything seriously?” TJ leaned back and almost fell from the stool.

“I do, but not this. People look like other people sometimes. You ok man?”

“Yup.” TJ lied. “Celebratin’.”

“Must be some milestone.”

“Yup. Birthday. Anniversary. First day off the wagon. All in one fuckin’ day.”

“Well happy birthday. Sorry about the rest.”

“Not gonna lie, I am too. I thought it meant more, apparently that’s my curse. Always get into a relationship where it means more to you than the other person.” TJ was impressed with himself; aside from a few slurred S’es he was using words and sentences. Too sober. He took another swig.

“If that’s your advice to someone else, I’d say you need to work on your motivational skills. You should definitely look for someone who values you.”

“You got someone?” TJ asked, hoping for a no, hoping for a ‘not tonight’.

“I used to.” The man’s smile was wistful, “Beautiful. She was something else.”

“She.” TJ repeated, casting his gaze down into his glass. Didn’t matter anyway, he was sure he looked like a disaster victim, his face was probably too red, his eyes even more so. He’d dragged his fingers through his hair so much it had probably given in to the curl and gone everywhere. TJ slipped a bill across the counter, pre-planning his movements so he could get off the bar stool without stumbling.

A strong hand covered his, “yeah, she. I didn’t tell you about the boy though.” The man’s gray eyes bored into his so strongly TJ couldn’t tear his gaze away. A warmth that had nothing to do with the alcohol powered through TJ. “I’m done with my shift, if you want to get out of here.”

“I’d… um…” TJ’s words failed him, either the alcohol or the warm hand covering TJ’s cold fingers was screwing with him, “I’d like that.”

***

Bucky had just wanted to keep a low profile. He’d been on his own for almost two years and he’d been just about everywhere. Something had brought him back to DC but he didn’t know for sure what it was, The bar he’d stopped at when he arrived in town had a ‘now hiring’ sign and he’d been able to sweet-talk the owner into some pretty nefarious activity, hiring him under the table. She was easily swayed by his flirting and surprising drink knowledge.

He slung drinks on the regular, not once getting noticed, or noticing anyone in particular. Sure he kept his eyes open but none of the signs ever presented, so he got comfortable. Tonight, the young man slouched in his seat at the middle of the bar didn’t initially catch his attention other than his drink orders, plural. Ordinarily this didn’t mean anything, after all, you want to keep serving and selling and making tips, but the guy was looking to kill himself by alcohol poisoning if he kept it up.

Bucky served the drink but he said something flippant to get the kid’s attention. Then he realized he recognized the kid for several reasons. The first time Bucky remembered seeing TJ Hammond’s photo in the newspaper he panicked, what did they think he (Bucky) had done now? It wasn’t until he’d read the article, a smear piece besmirching the guy’s attempts to get and stay sober, that he realized how much he and the president’s son resembled one another.

His shift was almost over, he didn’t want a belligerent alcoholic to put a cap on his decent night, but he’d felt that he should say something. It was received by the drunken kid all right; at least it was a pathetic reception and not a violent one.

When the kid had slurred his attempt to deny his identity, Bucky had to contain the small laugh that tried to force its way clear, biting the inside of his cheek, he called TJ out, bringing his full attention to his face in the process, fuck. That was stupid. Maybe not though, the kid might understand the need for anonymity more than he gave him credit for.

Bucky had shocked himself when he asked TJ to leave with him. Initially he thought he wanted to make sure the guy was safe, but he had to call himself on that immediately. He didn’t offer to leave with his drunken customers to ensure their safety, he called them a cab. Bottom line, Bucky was lonely.

He wasn’t going to use this kid, wasn’t going to take advantage of his drunken condition, but maybe he could take advantage of the time it took to get TJ home safely, in order to not be lonely for just a few minutes. When asked if Bucky had someone, the loneliness that he’d been cultivating a creative distraction from, by learning as much as he could about the world today, from the things he’d done as the hydra assassin to current events and pop culture, surged.

He remembered Natalia – Natasha, the passionate red-headed warrior, spy, assassin he’d fought on the bridge in DC, and things from before, a young woman, stolen moments. And he’d remembered Steve, slender and beautiful, and forbidden. But not in today’s society, if he could ever deserve Steve, and be wanted by him, it wouldn’t be forbidden.

It wasn’t until Bucky escorted a wobbly TJ to the parking lot that his idea started to suffer. He had a motorcycle and a drunken politician’s son on his hands. “Fuck. Kid? TJ, can you manage this? You have to hold on to me.”

“I plan to do more than hang on.” TJ said drunkenly.

“Funny pal. The motorcycle.” TJ seemed to just register the existence of the machine when it was brought to his attention.

“Oh. Oh ok. Yeah.”

“Ok, here’s the first test then, Trust Fund.” Bucky said harshly, too harshly, “Fuck, sorry. Get on the bike TJ.”

TJ held onto Bucky’s shoulder and surprised Bucky with enough agility to swing his leg over the bike. He was wobbly enough that Bucky provided the extra push to get him seated. Bucky then climbed onto the bike and looked back at TJ, “Hold on, do _not_ let go. That means, for god’s sake, keep your hands where they belong.”

“Can’t go distracting the driver.” TJ said with a quirky smile and a wink. Bucky kept his smirk hidden until he faced forward and kick-started the motor.

TJ looked around as they drove off, and felt a wave of dizziness. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead into the center of Bucky’s back, squeezing his eyes closed. Bucky tried to compartmentalize the whole thing, from the feeling of TJ’s arms snug around his waist, his body close and warm, to the cool air that circulated between them when TJ had moved and rested his head firmly in the space between his shoulders that was always aching. The pressure there felt like relief, the touch felt warm and comforting. Warmth and comfort and relief. Things he chased but never seemed to catch and they were all coming at him with hurricane force from a pretty, drunk socialite.

When Bucky stopped the motorcycle and turned it off, TJ looked up and blinked away the drunken, half-sleep. “Where? How did you?”

“We’re at your place, I hate to tell you this, but you’re not as off the radar as you think. A lot of people could tell you what building the president’s son lives in.”

“Good thing I’m not a threat to national security.” TJ pouted.

Bucky dismounted the bike and stood nearby holding out his arm for TJ, offering support. TJ was only slightly less graceful getting off than on. Bucky did sling his arm around TJ’s waist as he swayed once he had two feet on the ground. “Careful.” He said kindly.

“So, you coming up?” TJ asked, gazing at Bucky’s profile. “Y’ know, I don’t even know your name?”

“That’s true, you don’t. They call me Buck.”

“Naw, man, that’s an old dude nickname. That’s not a hipster name at all man.”

“Nevertheless, that’s me.” Bucky smirked, leading TJ to the entrance of his apartment building. “You’re going to have to lead me to your place. I only know the building.”

TJ leaned heavily on Bucky’s arm, absorbing the forced closeness and wondering how the guy wasn’t winded at all. “Up the stairs or the elevator’s on the left.”

Bucky looked at TJ, “Hey, you think you can make it?”

“I thought you were coming up.”

“Don’t know that I should. You’re pretty fucked up.”

“You don’t know me at all if you think this is fucked up.” TJ replied, holding tighter to Bucky’s waist.

“Well, nothing’s going to happen if I do come up, so let’s just be clear about that.”

“I thought…” aw man, the kid’s face practically melted Bucky’s resolve, “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Listen, TJ. I want to – I do. I’m not about to with you being this drunk. I’d want you to be completely clear-headed before… I don’t get girls or guys drunk to be with me, I wouldn’t use one who was already there either.”

“I told you I’m not that…”

“TJ, can you stand up on your own?” Bucky interrupted.

TJ loosened his hold on Bucky’s waist and swayed before grasping Bucky’s belt.

“There you have it. You can’t stand, you aren’t about to be making informed decisions. You can’t decide for yourself? We aren’t doing a damned thing. Worst I’ll do is hang out with you until you pass out, which wouldn’t surprise me if it happened before you tell me your apartment number.”

“23.” TJ said smugly, “To the right of the stairs, second floor.”

“Good boy.” Bucky said under his breath, “Let’s take the stairs, this elevator’s as slow as molasses in January, even in your condition we’ll beat the thing.”

“Fuck, you sound like my grandmother, how fucking old _are_ you _Buck_?”

“If you only knew, kid.”


	2. Chapter 2

TJ stepped a little high on the first step, a little low on the next one before getting it right. Bucky watched him calculating the distance and frowned, “You really shouldn’t drink TJ. You’re a mess.”

“Fuckyou.” TJ responded arrogantly.

Bucky just laughed. “I already told you that wasn’t going to happen.”

On the second floor landing, TJ missed that they weren’t climbing anymore and stepped up as though conquering another step and nearly toppled. Bucky caught him tightly by the shoulders with both hands and stood him up against the wall. “I’m fine, man.” TJ argued.

“You’re sure? Because the only things keeping those expensive leather oxfords shiny-side-up are me and this wall.” To demonstrate, Bucky released his hold on TJ and he started sliding down the wall before he was tugged back to a ‘standing’ position “OK correction, I’m the only thing keeping you upright.”

“You didn’t have to be like that.”

“Hush. You’re just talking to be belligerent. Since we’re taking this break, where’s your key?” Bucky watched as it slowly registered in TJ’s stormy eyes, and then he clumsily tried to retrieve the keys from his pocket repeatedly failing. “I’m not getting fresh, we’ll be here all night this way.” Bucky said as he brushed TJ’s hand away and slipped the keys from his trouser pocket.

TJ looked at Buck feeling hurt, he wasn’t trying to be belligerent, he was still hurting, worse now that he had hoped to have a nice time and was told he was too fucked up to be with. It was always like this, he was never good enough.

“Don’t be like that TJ.” Bucky responded to the pained look TJ gave him, leading him down the hall to the door marked ‘23’ he hated the disappointed look on TJ’s face, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, I’m tired y’know? Pulled a double today, I was looking forward to going home and getting some sleep but then I met a cute kid I thought I could spend some time with.”

“But like everything else TJ has to come along and ruin it.” TJ said, his voice thick with tears.

Bucky stopped at TJ’s door and held him firmly to his left hip keeping him secure with a very strong, very solid arm. “You’re the cute kid, jackass.” TJ looked at Bucky’s arm and didn’t understand why it didn’t feel all rigid and fleshy at once like Buck’s side and hip did. He focused really hard on the bicep area under the tight sleeve and couldn’t figure it out.

Once the door was unlocked, Bucky escorted TJ into the room and over to the chair by the window, “here you go, have a seat. TJ? You still with me?”

TJ looked up, feeling nauseous, “Yeah,” he took a couple of quick breaths and settled back on the chair.

Bucky knew that look, he went to the kitchen looking for a broom closet. He found a bucket and grabbed a bottle of water. “TJ, your place is pretty nice.” He said absently as he wandered back into the living room. “Here ya go, pal.”

TJ watched as Buck set the bucket on the floor in front of him and pressed the bottle of water in his hand. “Thanks.” TJ’s head was swimming.

“Put your head between your knees and take deep breaths. If you gotta puke, hit the bucket, not those Italian leather shoes.”

TJ did as instructed and felt Buck’s hand on his back, rubbing circles over tense muscles. Bucky sat on the arm of the chair and massaged TJ’s arched back. TJ breathed deep breaths, fighting the hurt that kept trying to get him to acknowledge it.

Finally, for the first time since it happened, TJ let the tears fall. He sobbed into his hands, staring into the blurred empty bucket through his tears. Bucky heard the passionate sobs wind down to heartbroken hiccups before he said anything. “If you want to talk about it, I could make coffee and I think I might be a decent listener.”

“Coffee will just sober me up.” TJ groaned.

“No, I think the tears did a lot of that. If you don’t want any, is it ok if I make myself a cup? You’d better not change your mind once you smell how good it is.”

“Fine make coffee.” TJ looked up, “you’re too nice to me.”

“I just told you not to ask for your own damned coffee and you call me nice? You need to raise your standards.”

“I need to lower them.” TJ sulked.

“Why’s that?” Bucky turned to look at TJ.

“Nothin’ forget I said anything, forget you met me, forget all of this.”

Bucky eyed the kitchen layout, found the coffee, and started the machine. He looked across the island to see TJ retching into the bucket, kid had a lot more control than he’d given him credit for. Bucky found the dishcloths and soaked two of them under the faucet, one was warm and the other cool. He put the cool one over the back of TJ’s neck and the warm one he placed in TJ’s hand.

TJ dragged the warm cloth over his face and looked up at Bucky, “Thanks man.”

“Forget about it.” Bucky said over his shoulder as he walked back to the coffee maker.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I’m a miserable wreck, I say shitty things.”

“You have no reason not to. Your life’s shit. The people you surround yourself are shit. Why not fill your head with it too?”

“Jesus, I thought you were nice.”

“I can be. But I’m not going to coddle you or buy into your pity party. You got hurt. You’re hurting yourself instead of the person or people who hurt you. I’m not going to help that. I just wanted to make sure you don’t die of alcohol poisoning. Maybe you’ll be ok now that you purged some of it. Maybe I should go.” Bucky considered doing just that, “Did you pre-party before coming to the bar? I didn’t serve you quite _that_ much. Do me a favor; don’t come into my bar like that again. Don’t make me the person responsible for your death.”

TJ looked up to see Bucky set a mug next to him. He saw a flash of silver between the hem of the long sleeve and the glove? He hadn’t noticed that detail before. Maybe it was a watch? Or jewelry? TJ rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Take care of yourself TJ.” Bucky said, he was across the room now, opening the door.

Panic started to well up in TJ. “Wait – don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.”

“TJ, you have family, you’re not alone.”

“I’m more alone than you’d know. Please Buck, stay.”

Bucky leaned on the door after he closed it. He knew alone. The plea was wretched and tugged at the same lonely thing inside him like a magnet. “Tell me what you mean.”

TJ moved the bucket and slowly stood up in front of the chair. He leaned on one arm on the chair to bend over and pick the bucket up. Righting himself and pausing to clear his head, he set off for the bathroom, “let me clean up and change, then I will.”

Bucky watched TJ make his way carefully into the other room and went back into the kitchen to fill another mug with coffee. He was mid-sip when TJ returned dressed in sweat pants and a thick hoodie zipped over a rumpled t-shirt. TJ gingerly moved from the chair where he picked up his coffee and water bottle and worked his way to the sofa.

Bucky was at his side by the time he tried to set both drinks down and miscalculated. He kept TJ from toppling forward and saved the coffee from getting spilled. “You did good kid. Did you fall down in the other room too?”

“Once. Shut up.”

“I’m impressed. You must really function well when you’re fucked up. Why do you do it though?”

“I don’t want to feel.”

“TJ,” Bucky helped him sit on the sofa and sat next to him, “The thing that makes us, keeps us human are emotions, feeling things. It’s how you _deal_ with the negative feelings that you want to work on, and trust me, no chemical on earth will correct that.”

“You work in a bar.” TJ said, like it was the answer to life’s mysteries.

“Yeah, because I need to pay rent and nobody really needs any of my more refined skills. So I sling drinks for drunks and wonder if there’s not something better I could be doing with my life. But when I go home, I don’t worry so much about it. I try to feel. I spend a lot of time trying to turn bad feelings into good ones.”

“How does that work?”

“It’s hard. But it’s worth it.”

TJ leaned his head against the back of the sofa with his eyes closed. Bucky thought he was passed out but TJ finally said “I wish you’d teach me that trick.”

“Sleep it off, sober up, and then we’ll talk.”

“Why? Why would you offer?”

“I need something too.” Bucky said simply.

TJ lifted his head and looked at Bucky, he looked a lot closer than TJ had thought he was, he was pretty. “What could you need from me?”

“Company.”

TJ was confused, “company.” TJ repeated. “Company? What?”

“I’m alone TJ. Like you, I’m alone.”

“Hell no, that’s ridiculous. You’re a nice guy, you’re built like a brick shithouse, and did I say you’re nice?”

“You’re drunk. I don’t take compliments from pretty, drunk socialites.” Bucky said with a soft smile. “So, you like expensive fucking coffee, surely you can bond with a nice, environmentally friendly boy in a coffeehouse or something?”

“Did that once. Today’s – I mean yesterday was my anniversary with that boy. He told me he meant more to me than I did to him. Not the worst breakup ever, he still wants to be friends even.” TJ started to cry again.

“One day you’ll be glad you can be friends with him.” Bucky hoped. Thoughts of a near drowned Steve barely breathing, but breathing all the same filled his vision. “It’s ok to care more for someone than they do you, it just hurts more when you find out the truth. You’ll be ok TJ. Better, even.”

“How?”

“Did you know that the thing you’re searching for with drugs and alcohol is achievable? You _can_ lose all of the feelings but you have to lose _everything_ , not just the good things. You lose everyone you ever loved, you lose _yourself_. You become empty. Do you know what happens when you become empty TJ?”

TJ looked at Buck, his head was starting to clear but this line of questioning made him dizzy.

“No? You become fair game for something horrible to fill you up. Worse than the painful feelings, worse than detachment from people you love.”

TJ saw the tears pool in Buck’s eyes and reached for his hand, the one in the glove. He was startled at the rigidity, but he squeezed his hand reassuringly anyway. It seemed right and he wasn’t rebuked. Buck looked at him, not blinking, not flinching before saying “It’s not really mine. I mean, fake, you know?”

“Explains the glove. I hope you have the mate for winter.” TJ smirked.

“Funny. Doesn’t bother you?” Buck asked, drinking some of his coffee. He handed TJ his mug, TJ took it in both hands, warming his fingers before sipping.

“Does it bother you?” TJ asked, semi-curious but mostly snarky. “I’m sorry, that’s not something someone should ask you is it?

“Sometimes it bothers me.” Buck answered, ignoring the apology that he considered too politically correct and not at all necessary, “Not its existence or even its origin, the loss was so long ago. But it is painful sometimes, the rig, it’s – extensive. Earlier, I doubt you’ll even remember, but earlier on the bike when you pressed your head between my shoulder blades? It felt good. There’s a deep pain there that I can’t ever quite relieve.”

“Sit forward and turn your back to me.” TJ was feeling more and more clear-headed. The conversation, not dwelling on his hurt, plus the coffee and his earlier purge must be helping.

TJ pressed the heels of his palms to the spot between Buck’s shoulder blades and rubbed slowly in small outward circles, he felt the muscles twitch under his hands and extended his range.

Bucky rolled his shoulders into the pressure, his eyes closed and his breathing changed to the meditative pattern he used for those moments TJ wanted him to teach him. It was a while before he considered the toll this might be taking on TJ’s hands, the pressure he was applying had to be doing a number on them, “Ok, I could get used to this, but that means you’d have to follow me around 24/7. Thank you TJ.” He said as he slid on the sofa, turning to face him. “That was incredible.”

TJ smiled, he felt pleased that he could help this man he knew practically nothing about, who had helped him, a “pretty, drunk socialite”. His smile faded into a frown.

“TJ?” Bucky saw the wheels turning and was only partially surprised that he’d done a 180. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you want from me?” TJ closed his posture, his body language all about self-protection.

“I told you, I’m alone, I thought you could relate since you said you were too.”

“Yeah? You don’t want to make my life a living hell? You don’t want to use me, a “pretty, drunk socialite” for who my family is? It’s pretty convenient that you have my face.”

“TJ.” Bucky let out an exasperated sigh, “I didn’t set you up to come into my workplace. I didn’t mean to feel solely responsible for your near-alcohol poisoning, even though you prepartied, and make sure you got home safely, and I certainly didn’t mean to let my guard down enough to let _you_ touch _me_.”

“Fine. Maybe you should go.” TJ pouted.

“Now that you’re capable of making a few movements and decisions on your own that won’t get you killed, maybe you’re right and I was wrong. Continue as you have been. You want to bury yourself, forget my name and where I work.”

Bucky rose and took both empty mugs to the kitchen, and he left the apartment. Outside the door he leaned on the wall, awash with the lonely feeling all over again.


	3. Chapter 3

It was as Bucky pulled himself away from the wall and started toward the stairs that TJ urgently pulled the door open calling his name.

Bucky stopped but refused to turn around. “Come back, I’m sorry, I panicked.”

“TJ, maybe this is a bad idea.”

“You know all about me and I know nothing about you. I freaked out, I got a little paranoid. I should have realized you wouldn’t do anything to take advantage of me, everything you’ve done has been opposite of that.”

Bucky turned around and looked at TJ. He was standing with his shoulders slouched, hands deep in the pockets of his hoodie. He looked pale and upset and irresistible.

“TJ you don’t know about me because it’s safer that way. I told you everything about me. The thing about being empty and being filled with terrible things. That’s me. That’s your warning.”

“You don’t make any sense. Come back if you’re lonely. Or call me tomorrow, at least come and get my number.”

Bucky took a step, “TJ, my name is Bucky.”

“Not as old as “ _Buck_ ” I guess. Not very hipster, though” TJ's mouth formed a small smile as Buck took another step toward him.

“Why do you think I’m a hipster?” Bucky asked as he closed the distance and put an arm across TJ’s shoulders, leading him back into his apartment.

“You have the look. The man bun, the beardiness.”

“Beardy-ness?” Bucky asked, “TJ, aren’t you an adult?”

“Sometimes. Rarely. Hardly ever.” TJ confessed. “Part of my problem, I guess.”

“Ok, come sit, you want to know about me? You’re going to need to sit down.” Bucky led TJ back to the sofa and sat on the opposite end. “You duck the press a lot, right?”

“Yeah. Obviously.”

“OK, but do you ever read it? Watch the news? How drunk are you right now?”

“Nowhere near earlier. Yeah, sometimes I catch some of it; sometimes I’m sat in front of it and told to look what I’ve done now.”

“You remember the mess with SHIELD and Hydra a few years ago?” Bucky asked, pulling the hair tie from his hair and shaking it loose, the mane falling over his eyes.

“Oh. Oh my god. Oh, Bucky – Barnes? What is wrong with me?”

“You didn’t want to see it, and you were drunk.” Bucky said matter-of-factly. “Are you afraid of me TJ?”

“No.” TJ said, offended, “Of course not, no. We covered that already.”

“Yeah, before you knew you had been confessing to, and maybe partially venerating a known assassin and criminal. I hope you won’t turn me in but if you do, please tell me before you do.”

“No, I won’t. No, honestly you’re safe – oh hell, you’re not exactly safe here. I won’t but you can’t come here, my mother visits and the only announcement I get is a swarm of secret service agents.

“Well, you’ll have to come visit me, unless you have them following you too.”

“You think I’d have made it inside a bar if I did?” TJ almost laughed. Bucky was getting used to the smile that faded into an instant frown.

“What’s wrong?”

“I blew it. Sober, completely sober, for three years.”

“The length of your relationship?” Bucky guessed. “You have to do it for yourself and have something to keep you sober through the darkness.”

“I know.” TJ said helplessly.

“Start fresh now TJ.” Bucky answered sympathetically.

“I guess visiting you at work is off limits.” TJ said, tucking his feet under Bucky’s thigh on the couch.

“I would only serve you soda or water, if you wanted to visit. We have damned good greasy food too.”

“So, tending bar is a long way off from what they’re accusing you of.”

“I told you my other skills aren’t exactly marketable, I guess I could find someone who would like to use me again but it’s not something I want to make my _own life_ doing. I’m rather partial to walking shelter dogs and rescuing a “pretty, drunk socialite” from his own downward spiral. I’m sorry that I generalized you like that too, TJ. You are pretty and you were pretty drunk. The rest was just thoughtless.”

“Walking shelter dogs?”

“Yeah. I can’t have dogs in my place or really I can’t promise a future to a dog, I could be swept away by the authorities or by Hydra in the dead of night. What future can I promise?”

“I thought the Avengers had taken Hydra out?”

“They’re lurking somewhere TJ. They might not be strong enough right now, but if they got their hands on me, they could be.”

“You wouldn’t help them again?!” TJ looked horrified, pulling his feet close to his body.

Bucky frowned at the loss of contact and the huge distance TJ put between them. “I wouldn’t have a choice. They did things to me TJ. Do you know about computers? About a Trojan Horse?” TJ nodded, “They planted something in my mind. If they can unlock it, they can use me again and I'd have no say in the matter.”

“What you said about having nothing and being filled with their desires, I don’t understand. You’re not empty, you’re compassionate and kind.”

“I’ve had to regain, relearn, and figure out everything. Some things come back on their own, and others have been helped along by studying, but what they put in there, it’s stuck there and it’s a ticking time bomb. I don’t mean to frighten you TJ. You wanted to know who I am and to be honest, I’ve never told anyone.”

“Does talking help?” TJ stretched his legs across the couch again, touching Bucky’s thigh with the balls of his stockinged feet. Bucky patted TJ’s foot and rubbed his ankle idly, glad for the contact.

“Talking to you? Yeah, it does, because you’re kind and curious and because you don’t expect anything from me. Does this bother you?” Bucky nodded to his hand on TJ’s ankle.

“No, not at all. I brought you home for more, though.” TJ grinned mischievously.

“Yeah, I know, you were so sexy about it, too.” Bucky teased.

“Yeah?” TJ smiled sweetly.

“No.” Bucky replied. “You were a god’s honest mess TJ, but your little “do you have someone” got to me.”

TJ sat up and was pleased that the dizziness was gone. He closed the distance between them and kissed Bucky’s neck. “I can do better,” he promised.

Bucky put his hand on the back of TJ’s neck tenderly scratching his hairline while TJ was kissing his neck and jaw, “TJ, this is amazing. Don’t you think we should wait? You’ve been single less than a day and you’re sobering up but you’re still not quite there.”

“I’m not being fair to you.” TJ buried his forehead in the spot on Bucky’s neck where he’d just been kissing him.

Bucky was relieved that he didn’t take it personally, “I would like to mean more to you than a quick rebound.” He admitted, “Even if we’re only ever casual, I would like to be more important than revenge sex or a coping mechanism.”

“So, a day? A week?” TJ smiled playfully.

“I think more than a day. Probably more than a week, although if you’re as good as your kisses advertise, I’m going have a hard time waiting.” Bucky couldn’t yet admit that every time TJ touched him tonight was celebrated and mourned when the touch ended. He couldn’t figure out what it meant himself, how could he explain it to TJ. It wasn’t even sexual, he just craved the connection. He draped his arm over TJ and TJ burrowed into the hollow space. Bucky sighed contentedly.

TJ heard the sigh, felt it rumble through Bucky’s body and into his own. He could wait, it was important to Bucky; he could make it important to himself too. “So this is ok though?” he asked, referring to the embrace.

“If it’s ok with you?” Bucky hoped it would be. The thought of going home alone right now wasn’t a welcome one. “I mean, yeah, it’s ok with me.”

“Bucky?” TJ looked up, “Are you sure? If I knew you better, I’d say you seem distracted. If you want to go or something…”

“TJ, I promise, the last thing I was thinking about was leaving. I don’t know what this is, each time we touch it’s nice, and when you pulled away it wasn’t, it was cold and empty. It scares me that I don’t know what it is.”

“Bucky, have you been with anyone since you got away from them? Had you been before you escaped?”

“No.”

“And when I touch you it’s ok, it doesn’t bother you?”

“No, should it? I remember before, enjoying a dame’s, I mean a girl’s touch, hugging Steve, I am supposed to enjoy it.”

TJ was relieved he didn’t question it, “I’m not saying my touching you should or shouldn’t bother you, how you feel about someone touching you is entirely subjective. Some touches might repulse you and others might please you. What I was wondering is how often you’ve been touched, held, or caressed in the last, oh, any duration really.”

“The answer to that is not at all.”

“Well, that could be it, I’d guess that you’re touch-starved.” TJ put his hand on Bucky’s chest, “People generally need to touch each other, hugging a friend or making out with a girl or a guy, that’s as important to your sense of self as feelings are, Bucky.”

TJ felt _too_ sober now. Feeling sad for Bucky-craving touch and still being a decent person-asking TJ to wait, not just for his personal reasons, but being noble for TJ. “So, if I promise to be good and to not pressure you or even consider sex for at _least_ a week, would you let me do something?”

Bucky smiled at the “at _least_ a week” comment. “I guess I can trust you. Don’t prove me wrong.”

“Come into the bedroom, remember I promised.” TJ ducked out from under Bucky’s arm, stood up and held out a hand to Bucky.

“ _You_ remember you promised, you’re the one luring me into your bed.” Bucky accepted the offer and rose to follow TJ.

“You’re on to me.” TJ smirked from where he stopped near his dresser, he pulled out a pair of track pants and a tee shirt, “Put those on, I’ll get some water and be right back.”

Bucky did as instructed and sat on the edge of the bed, watching as TJ came into the bedroom and closed the door. He had his hands full with two bottled waters and a bag of popcorn. He flipped the TV on after setting the snacks down. “OK, lie down, face up or face down, your choice, it doesn’t matter for this exercise.”

Bucky chose face down, lying on his stomach opposite the headboard so he could see the television if he looked up. TJ straddled his thighs, “If you need me to move or stop, just say so.” He stated as he ran his hands along Bucky’s shoulders, treating them the same even though the abrupt change from flesh to metal wasn’t the same at all. He wasn’t going in for a massage yet, just soft touches along the outline of Bucky’s body, over the t-shirt. His hands followed the line of Bucky’s torso down to his waist where he spread his hands out to span the space and rubbed up all the way to Bucky’s shoulders again and back down his spine.

Bucky closed his eyes as soon as TJ had straddled him, he felt secure and grounded, instead of captive and restrained. As TJ’s long fingers traversed Bucky’s body he felt emotional, first he felt unworthy, but he pushed that away, focusing on the continued caresses, he soon felt better. TJ continued touching him tenderly. He asked him to turn over and Bucky reversed his position, sitting up against the headboard. TJ sat at his side, dragging his fingers down Bucky’s torso before settling his hand across his belly, rubbing his thumb idly over the hollow of Bucky’s navel.

Bucky took TJ’s hand in his, studying his fingers by touch. “You’ve got gentle hands.”

TJ looked at Bucky before smiling, “Can I kiss you again? I’ll behave.”

“If you’re sure you can behave.” Bucky smiled warmly.

TJ moved in and brushed Bucky’s pink lips with his, he threaded fingers through the length of Bucky’s hair and kissed him sweetly, moving to his jaw and the soft space on his neck below his ear. Bucky cupped his hand to the back of TJ’s head to hold him close, when TJ stopped kissing; he rested there with his ear at Bucky’s throat.

TJ heard the blood rushing, felt Bucky’s pulse against his ear. He listened as the pace of the beat slowed. He stayed there, held gently by Bucky’s hand, and listened as his pulse leveled and his breathing swelled to the rhythm of slumber. TJ didn’t move until Bucky’s hand slipped down his neck and over his back. TJ repositioned himself so his head was pillowed on Bucky’s chest and closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

When TJ woke, there was a body on top of him, well practically. Long hair splayed out across his arm, and a dark head was heavy on his chest. Surely, he’d dreamed all of that up? If so, who was weighing him down? He blinked away the hangover and sleep induced confusion slowly. He brushed the hair away and saw Bucky’s face, peacefully sleeping. He laid his head back, playing in the soft strands of Bucky’s hair.

Bucky felt the soft tugs and the light tickles just near his scalp, he tightened his grasp around TJ’s waist before opening his eyes and looking up. TJ’s face looked slightly pained but mostly peaceful. Bucky reached to stroke his jaw and TJ met his gaze. “Hi, how are you feeling?” Bucky asked in a soft voice, he remembered, vaguely, what a hangover did to your senses.

“Like I threw myself in front of a Mack truck.” TJ’s voice was gravelly. “I blew it Bucky.”

“Yeah, you did. But, TJ, do you know what today is?”

“No.”

“Today’s simply the day you start over. You tell someone what you did, someone you trust. You don’t have to announce it to the world.”

“ _You_ already know, isn’t that enough?”

“No.” Bucky sat up taking the hand that TJ had been teasing his hair with, “TJ, yes, I can be that person. If you want me to be that person you still have to tell me everything.”

“Confession is good for the soul.” TJ muttered.

“Yeah,” Bucky chuckled, “something like that.”

“I took him to dinner for our anniversary.” TJ said quietly. “He said I was too hung up on the relationship, citing the anniversary dinner as one of the ‘problems’ he had with the whole thing. He told me he didn’t feel the same way about me that I obviously did him. We’d been dating for three years Bucky. The anniversary wasn’t just an anniversary of our first date, but the anniversary of the day he _said_ he wanted to be exclusive. We’d dated for a year where we’d see other people and hook up; and on the _anniversary_ of our first date, _he told me_ he wanted us to be exclusive. Then just weeks after we were exclusively seeing each other he’d alluded to being like married couples we’d see or know, and he talked about buying a place together.

We settled into trading nights at his place or mine. It was nice though, because I don’t mind the quiet nights I can have alone, just as much as I loved being with him. Recently he’d been looking at places, showing them to me, asking me for input. I thought he was finally looking for that place for both of us. Of course I planned the dinner, I’d almost had a party, imagine how that would have worked out.”

Bucky watched TJ fight tears, “You wanted something special, intimate. It’s ok TJ. He might not have wanted to hurt you, but if that’s the case, he’s got shitty timing.”

“I told him to leave. We were at the table, eating dinner and he told me I was ‘too invested’, so I told him to go. I told him to come here and get his things and I’d get mine from him another day. I don’t want those things anyway; let him throw them away. I drank his glass of wine, and then finished the rest of the bottle. Then I went to the bar and you know the rest, I got completely drunk, sauced, out of my head. You know what? It didn’t help.”

“No, I don’t suppose it did. You’re still hurt.”

“I’m still hurt.” TJ agreed.

“It’ll take some time, TJ. You don’t have to go from ‘I’m in pain’ to ‘I’m just fine’ in less than a day. You could need weeks or months, even years. Your relationship was important and longstanding; you can’t expect to be able to erase the relationship from your heart.

“Tell you what, I have to pull another double today, so I need to go home and get ready for work. Will you be able to relax and take care of yourself today? Will you promise me that if you find yourself looking for more booze or drugs you’ll call me first? Maybe we can talk, or not talk. If you want to come by the bar, I’ll buy lunch or dinner.”

“People who want me to quit usually don’t want me hanging around bars or clubs.” TJ said sullenly.

“Yeah? I guess they can’t or won’t trust you. You haven’t given me any reason not to trust you, so I’m going on the assumption that you can handle yourself just fine. You want a good greasy burger and fries? Come and see me.”

“You don’t really have to go?”

“I will have to leave soon. Will you be ok?”

“I’ll have to be.” TJ tried to smile.

“Let me fix you something to eat before I go. Don’t start the day on an empty stomach.” Bucky offered, crawling off the bed.

TJ caught his hand before he could get away. “Thank you Bucky, you’ve been patient and kind to a drunken stranger.”

“You’re no stranger, TJ. You were very kind to me as well. I don’t know if you know what it means to me, the tender way you treated me.”

“Did it help?”

“It did, I could get spoiled.” Bucky smiled briefly, before biting his lip and turning to head for the kitchen.

“Bucky,” TJ called out as Bucky reached the door, “if you need to be close to someone, you call me. No strings attached if that’s how you want it.”

“Thank you TJ.”

TJ listened as Bucky pulled out pans and ingredients, he could tell Bucky was trying to be quiet, and he was grateful, since his head was pounding. “Got what you went after TJ.” He said to himself, “Got plastered and you now have an aching heart _and_ an aching head. Smart bastard, that’s what you are.”

He got up and went into the bathroom, looked at his miserable appearance, red eyes and unruly hair. He put his hair in order then brushed his teeth. Before leaving the bathroom, he scrounged up an unopened toothbrush and pulled out some fresh towels. He went into the kitchen, hit by an amazing aroma. “You know, I thought you were going to pour me a bowl of cereal.” He said from behind Bucky as he snaked his arms around his waist. Bucky released the pan and covered TJ’s hands with his.

“You know, you could get hurt sneaking up on me. Be careful TJ, I don’t want to hurt you.” When TJ started to pull away, his grip tightened on TJ’s hand. “No, I like this, just…”

“I think I understand, reflex and panic mode, right?” TJ kissed the spot on Bucky’s neck where his hair parted and exposed the skin, just above the neck of his t-shirt. “I’ll keep it in mind and make sure to be more careful. There’s a toothbrush and some clean towels in there if you want to cut the time it takes to get ready for work in half. You could even borrow something of mine if you’d like.”

Bucky turned in TJ’s arms and put his arms around him, “are you trying to keep me here longer?”

“Yeah, I like your company.”

“I like being with you too, TJ. Have a seat, it’s almost ready.”

Bucky turned back to the stove as TJ sat at in the bar stool by the island. He dished up the omelet and set it in front of TJ.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” TJ asked, concerned.

“I had some vegetables while I was cooking, and…” he put a slice of bacon in his mouth, “this.” He smirked, chewing. “Gonna go shower.”

TJ ate the omelet, surprised he had enough in his pantry and refrigerator to make anything, then he thought of Jacob, probably something he’d done. TJ swiped at a tear as he ate the food that _Bucky_ _prepared_. Jacob had nothing to do with this.

Bucky stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, he liked the smell, everything in TJ’s bathroom was luxurious, and he was pleased that TJ indulged himself. He was used to the simple, clean smell of soap and always managed to grab the almond milk scented shampoo, inexpensive and less fragrant than all the fruit salad types. The bottles of things lining TJ’s stone shower smelled clean and a little spicy, a little woodsy. He combed through his hair with his fingers before brushing his teeth.

Bucky stopped in the doorway of the bedroom, looking out into the living room for TJ. “TJ, is there a comb I could use?” Bucky spotted TJ where he’d moved to the chair by the window, looking out wistfully. “Hey, are you ok?”

“Yeah, the comb is in the top right drawer under the sink. Bring it here, I’d like to comb your hair. Oh! Is that weird?” he said as an afterthought.

“No weirder than my wanting you to.” Bucky admitted quietly. “As long as you tell me what’s put you in reverse.”

“I didn’t buy the food you just cooked.” TJ said loudly enough for Bucky to hear him through the bedroom.

Bucky came back out with a comb in hand and sat on the floor in front of TJ. “The guy?” he asked, handing the comb over his shoulder.

“Yeah.” TJ took the comb and started with the hair at the back of Bucky’s neck, gently gliding the comb through the length.

“So a perfect omelet ruined, huh?” Bucky closed his eyes and tipped his head forward.

“No, it was still good.” TJ lazily dragged the comb through the lengths of Bucky’s hair and brushed his thumb along Bucky’s neck fondly, “I convinced myself it wasn’t worth worrying over, you worked hard to make it delicious. It wasn’t until I came in here and got my messages. Well, one message; “I’m sorry, I should have chosen another day to talk to you about this.”

“This?” Bucky repeated, “This?”

“Yeah, not “break up with you” or “end things” but “ _this_ ”, like a fucking grocery list or something.” TJ had stopped combing and started slapping his knee with the comb instead.

“Are you going to be ok today? I could get someone to cover me.”

TJ resumed combing Bucky’s hair and pulling it through his fingers, “I can manage, I won’t do anything stupid, and if that dinner offer is still good, I could come by later.”

“The offer stands. I’d like to see you, make sure you’re still holding up ok. Oh and text me if you need to, ok? I left my info on the refrigerator, including my apartment. I trust you to keep it safe.”

“Bucky?” TJ waited for Bucky to look at him.

Bucky turned and looked over his shoulder, “Yeah TJ?”

“Thank you for everything. You really went above and beyond.”

“You’re welcome TJ, and I don’t see it that way.” Bucky turned to face TJ fully and clasped his hands. TJ looked at Bucky’s metal fingers linked with his. “We both got something we needed, and I hope we can continue to give each other friendship and support. Thank you for everything you did for me.”

“Any time you need a cuddle buddy.” TJ tried to tease, but realized that Bucky’s need for human touch wasn’t a joking matter, “I mean it.”

“Thanks TJ.”

TJ reached out and touched Bucky’s jaw as Bucky was starting to stand up, Bucky froze. TJ pulled him closer and kissed him tenderly before letting him go. “Be careful.” TJ called after Bucky as he headed for the door. “I’ll see you later.”

“I look forward to it.” Bucky said as he pulled the door closed behind him.

TJ got up and took the comb to the bathroom, impressed at the lack of evidence in the bathroom, just like in the kitchen. Impressed, but saddened. Bucky didn’t leave traces. TJ hurried into the kitchen, the number was on the fridge as promised, ok, so one small trace.

He thought about the next step he needed to take. He went back into the bathroom and started the water running. He needed to shower and head to a meeting.


	5. Chapter 5

On the drive away from TJ’s place, through high-class neighborhoods into the seedier part of town, Bucky weighed the options between hurrying to his place to change and just heading straight to work wearing TJ’s borrowed sweater. It was soft and thin enough that he wouldn’t overheat in the bar, it was snug enough to bring him decent tips from most of the ladies, and it smelled like TJ. It felt like TJ touching him. He needed to look into this touch-starved thing because he felt ridiculous.

Bucky guessed he’d decided when he pulled into his parking spot behind the bar. Memories from the night before hit him, haughtily calling TJ “Trust Fund” and the stricken look he’d gotten. He knew he apologized for it but he still felt shitty for it. He didn’t get TJ’s number so he’d have to apologize again when he saw him later. If TJ felt like showing up after he’d had the rest of the day to think about it.

. . . . .

TJ felt unusually _un_ willing to go into the meeting, he felt like a fraud, they’d look at him and accuse him of being a hypocrite. He imagined they’d smell the booze on him. He shook away the anxiety that was filling his head with these thoughts and stepped through the door. That anxiety kept him hovering at the back of the room. He’d had to come to an unfamiliar group meeting that was more structured than, and not as comfortable as, the meetings he usually attended. His mistakes, all of them, crowded his head as the room filled with the strained sounds of people shifting in their seats and picking up or setting down any number of things from purses to bottles of water to walking sticks.

TJ had no intention to share any of his fall; yet he spoke up. He confessed his slip and his fear that he was moving too quickly again, setting himself up to fail. He felt better when he realized he’d let the fear go. He could go slowly with Bucky. It seemed like that was what Bucky wanted too. Outside the building TJ lit a cigarette and sent the car away, deciding to walk the short distance to where his grandmother lived.

He rang the buzzer and smiled when he heard her calling through the door for him to hold his horses. When she saw him through the glass, she smiled back and tugged him through the door as soon as it was open.

“Do you know how long it’s been since you’ve come to visit? How is Jacob? Happy belated birthday and anniversary.” He couldn’t keep up but she stopped when she saw his face fall. “What happened TJ?”

“Jacob left me.” TJ said flatly. Hey no tears, yet. Maybe he could do this.

“He _what_?!” she snapped.

“He said I care more for him than he does me.”

“There’s another cock in the roost.”

“Nana!” TJ blushed. He shouldn’t – he knows anything can come out of his beloved, boldly outspoken grandmother’s mouth.

“What? It’s true, it has to be, that is the stupidest reason to break up with a catch like you.”

“I’m not exactly a catch Nana. I’m burdened with baggage.”

“Anybody who isn’t is boring and tedious. Are you ok TJ?”

“I’m going to be. I got drunk yesterday, really, really drunk. On the bright side, I just came from a meeting.”

“Can I ask…”

“Is that all I did? Yes, but it was enough. Three years flushed, along with a bucket of puke.”

“You could have fooled me, you look well, how are you managing?”

“I..." he sighed, all intentions of being strong abandoning him. "I don’t know. A Good Samaritan got me home safely, I dealt with things the best I could in the aftermath. I got up and managed to speak in a meeting. Maybe it’s all autopilot and I won’t manage so well when everything comes crashing down. Don’t tell Momma, please? I’ll tell her about things when I’m ready.”

“This Good Samaritan, who is he?”

“Just a nice guy who stopped serving me alcohol at the bar. It was the end of his shift so he saw me home, nothing happened if you think what I think you’re thinking. I didn’t hook up with a bartender.”

“Ok. Well I’m glad someone was looking out for you. I won’t tell your mother, that’s your choice. I’m glad you told me though. What are you going to do now?”

“I walked here so I could think along the way. If you’ve got plans today I’ll find something to occupy my time, but if you’re available, maybe I could hang out with you for a couple of hours?”

“I was wondering what to do with my day.”

“You’re lying.” TJ smiled, hugging Margaret. “Thank you for lying.”

“I wasn’t. Some days are left open and today’s one of those. I’m not always sitting around though, so you’re going to want to start checking in with me. I could be busy. In two days I’m meeting up with some friends and going to the Bahamas.”

“So you need help packing and preparing right?” TJ was eager for anything to distract his thoughts, this he could do easily.

“I’ll let you help, I’ve been procrastinating.” She grinned at his enthusiasm. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

“I’m not. I can’t mope about Jacob every minute.” TJ offered his arm to his grandmother and she took it and led him into the bedroom where her suitcase sat open on the bed.

“See? I came at the right time.”

They spent several hours talking, about nothing, about TJ and Jacob, and about TJ moving forward. Then there was talk about TJ’s Good Samaritan. TJ let a little too much slip about the duration of his stay, but not his identity. Margaret cautioned him as she typically did. “I know. I meant it when I said nothing happened. He was the one who rebuffed me. Said he couldn’t take advantage of me.”

“I’m glad someone could take your mind off of your troubles and that they made sure you didn’t die on me. Take it slow, TJ. You’re too easily hurt.”

“Three years is kind of slow,” TJ reasoned.

“Yeah, but three hours isn’t” She answered, putting her hand on his shoulder. “TJ remember what makes you strong. It’s not those boys.”

“It’s your genes.” He grinned.

“Hardly.” She frowned, “It’s in you TJ. If you can do it for _them_ clearly you can do it for _you._ ”

“I’m going to." he remembered Bucky's words about it, "Today’s a fresh start.”

By the time TJ left Margaret’s he was hungry. She’d offered to feed him but he’d seen her calendar, she had a dinner date, and he did too. He declined politely, letting her know his kitchen was full of things Jacob had bought, and that he’d be eating dinner on Jacob for a few days. She laughed at his attempt at humor.

His phone buzzed as he walked up the street, he pulled it out, and it was his mother calling. Just what he didn’t need. “Hey Momma,”

“TJ, I need to see you, is it possible for you to come with me this week?”

“What’s so urgent? Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, It’s been too long and I’ll have some down time on this trip. You can bring Jacob along.” She sounded cheery.

“Jacob left me.” There it was out there. “Yesterday at dinner, it was too much for him.”

“Well that settles it, you deserve a getaway.” TJ heard the softness in her voice and knew he would be going.

“When do we leave and for how long?” TJ sighed.

“Tomorrow and we’ll be gone for six days. Pack for sun.”

“Don’t hate me for asking this, but will I be seeing you for any of these six days? Or just on the flight to and from?”

“I have an afternoon already set aside for just you and me, and I’ll want you to attend a couple of dinners with me. The rest of the time, maybe you can see and do some things to get your mind off Jacob.”

“You think I’ll be hooking up? While under scrutiny of the press following this trip around?”

“You can do other things to accomplish that TJ.” She sounded exasperated, as usual.

“Yeah, Mom. Things that will get me into worse trouble.”

“Do I have to worry about that?”

“No." TJ sighed, "you don’t. I’ll meet you in the morning.”

With the conversation over, TJ called the driver and had him come meet him. He settled into the back seat and texted Bucky. “On my way, if the burger offer’s still good. I like mine medium.”

“See you soon. Fries or Onion rings?”

“Yes.” TJ grinned.

When he got to the bar, it was quiet, except for a couple of guys in the corner at the pool table, and the jukebox playing on low. Bucky had his back turned and was cleaning the counter behind the bar. He turned when he heard the bar stool creak under TJ’s weight. “Hey, how’s your day been?” he asked with a smile.

“It hasn’t been half bad. I have some news; I’m going out of town with my mother for some unknown, unforeseen reason. I’ll be gone for six days starting tomorrow.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I won’t be spending time between waking up and going to bed trying to come up with things to do before I can see you.”

“Is that what you did today?”

“Kind of. I mean I went to a meeting and exposed my failure. I saw my grandmother and told her about last night and about you – without naming names. You’re a Good Samaritan where she’s concerned. I think today worked out ok. How about you? How’s your day been?”

“Look around you.” Bucky smiled. “I’m sure you don’t recognize the place but it’s a damned sight cleaner today. It’s going to be a long night. I hate weekday double-shifts.”

“If I get in your way let me know.” TJ said. “So how much longer for that burger?”

“Just a few more minutes. So where are you going with your ma?”

“I don’t know, she said pack for sun. She thinks she’s going to have time to spend with me, maybe it will happen, and maybe she won’t be negative most of the time.”

Bucky turned at the sound of the kitchen door and stepped away to get TJ’s plate. He set it in front of TJ, “Try talking to her like you do me. Tell her what she’s doing that you perceive as negative. Let her know that negativity isn’t conducive to your sobriety. But don’t do it like you’re going to war. Your mother loves you, she wouldn’t want to spend time with you if she didn’t, and I’m sure she wouldn’t want to make things harder on you if she knew that was the result.”

TJ took a fry and folded it in half, dipping both ends into the ketchup. He stuffed the whole thing in his mouth and chewed, considering what Bucky said. “You’re right. You’ve learned a lot about me in just a few hours. I should be offended I’m such a transparent piece of work.”

“No, TJ. Some of my skills include observation.”

“Did you have lunch yet?” TJ asked hoping to turn the discussion away from him.

“Nah, I’ll eat something later.”

“You barely ate anything earlier, there’s nothing going on, have half my burger. Come sit down for five minutes and eat half of this monster.”

Bucky didn’t argue, figured he’d lose the battle anyway so he walked around to the stool next to TJ. TJ put his hand on Bucky’s cheek, “Thank you for lunch and for your wisdom.”

Bucky touched TJ’s hand before TJ moved it from his face to his neck and Bucky leaned in, kissing TJ as sweetly as TJ had kissed him earlier, tasting the smoky burger and sweet soda lingering on his lips. TJ’s hand trailed over Bucky’s arm to his hand, where their fingers linked on contact.

Bucky had been feeling energized all day and it wasn’t until now that he realized that maybe contact with another person might be effecting him positively. He’d looked up touch starved and had come across various assertions that this could be the outcome but he hadn’t been sure he could rely on them until now.

Bucky took the hamburger half that TJ offered, “Thanks. I promise I do take better care of myself than you think I do, it’s just a change in energy since last night. I wasn’t hungry this morning. I’m starting to feel it now.”

TJ folded an onion ring in half and ate it, “Damn good rings. I’m glad you do, I guess someone who has it together enough to try to take care of me has their own shit under control.” TJ turned to face Bucky and Bucky turned his stool so their knees brushed against each other.

“I don’t know about under control, this touch starvation thing has me concerned.”

TJ set his hand on Bucky’s knee, “Why? I wouldn’t worry about it. How have you been doing today after our different attempts to make you feel good?”

“I’ve had a good day, but what happens while you’re gone?”

“I have an idea. The only threat to you coming to my place is my mom but she’ll be with me, so the idea is to have you housesit my place and maybe bring home one of those shelter dogs for the week. They have sleepover things sometimes don’t they?”

Bucky smiled around the bite he’d just taken of the hamburger. “You’d let me do that?”

“Yeah, I could tell the building management that you’re doing me a favor and not to worry about the dog or dogs, no problem. You can come and go through the back door, there’s a yard back there, and you wouldn’t run into anyone to make you feel uneasy. I know it’s not human touch, but pets are a pretty good substitute.”

“Wow, TJ. That’s very nice of you. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“You did that by saving my life last night and keeping me safe and sane, plus you’ve fed me twice.”

“I’m happy to do it TJ.”

“Me too Bucky. So, since I know I’m meeting my mom in the morning and she won’t come storming the place, do you want to come by tonight so I can show you around the building and make sure you have the key before I leave?”

“You mean stay over again?”

“Well, yeah. I mean I was thinking about tagging along with you to your place tonight, but this would make the morning transition a little easier. Or – you know – whatever.”

“I agree and I can always pick up some stuff from my place later tomorrow. I appreciate the offer TJ, I really do.”

“You’ll be doing me a favor too, so we both win.”

“How are you feeling after last night? You ok in here?”

“Yeah, this is all ok. Physically I’m over the effects of my stupidity. I don’t know how soon I’ll be free of the embarrassment or the pain, really. I miss him, you know? I’ve had to stop myself from texting him. What used to be second nature is now something I have to catch myself doing and resist.”

“If it helps, you can text me when that happens.”

“No, It’s not just the act of texting, it’s things like groceries I didn’t buy, not being able to say ‘good morning’ and ‘I love you’ to the same person I’ve been saying those things to for three years. I’d rather not put you in a surrogate position. The feelings I have for you, Bucky, are separate from that. I think I’ll text you just because I want to.”

“I like that.” Bucky looked around the empty bar, knowing the after work happy hour would be picking up. “If it’s going to start getting busy, it will be soon, I’m glad you came when you did.”

“Me too. Let me know if I’m in the way. I’ll probably get out of here before things get hectic. I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

“You wouldn’t be, but I understand if sitting around here could get too boring or be too tempting.” Bucky wasn’t sure why that was disappointing, of course TJ wouldn’t stay through the remainder of his second shift.

When Lee showed up shortly before the expected rush, Bucky decided to do something he hadn’t done before; he would see if Lee would cover his second shift. He’d covered a shitload of hers and she kept telling him she owed him.


	6. Chapter 6

TJ watched Bucky flirt with the girl who came in, leaning across the bar and being sweet. She was tall, lean, and beautiful and he was both enamored and jealous. She and Bucky traded words and then Bucky looked up at TJ, smiling, “TJ, this is Lee. She works here with me, mostly on weekends.”

“Lee, it’s nice to meet you.” TJ took her offered hand to shake.

“TJ, it’s very nice to meet you too. Take care of Buck here, huh?”

The comment threw TJ and he looked at Bucky, confused. “Lee’s agreed to cover my second shift, she’s just being difficult.” Bucky laughed.

“But your shift is covered so you can leave with him, so I’m not so difficult now, am I?” Lee grinned, hopping up onto the bar and swinging her legs over. She put her hands on Bucky’s shoulders and he hoisted her down on the other side. “Thank you Buck.”

TJ was surprised how seeing this girl interacting with Bucky, the close proximity and her subtle sensual mannerisms around him turned him on. His skin felt hot as the blush crept up his face, “We’re just friends, Lee.” TJ blurted out, increasing his embarrassment.

“Honey, I don’t care if you’re just friends or a casual dalliance, Buck here likes you and he’s never liked anyone before. He just carries on with his cute smile and ‘aw-shucks’ ways. So you take care of him. I think he’s a lonely guy, not the loner he makes out to be.”

It was Bucky’s turn to blush, he ducked his head, and a stray strand of hair fell in his face, not enough to hide behind. “Cool it Lee.” Bucky said in a gruff voice.

“I’m done.” She patted Bucky on the rear, “so are you. Go before you get trapped by the happy hour crowd.

TJ realized that Bucky was about to miss out on the only tips of the day so he called Lee over as Bucky was gathering his stuff, “Hey, I need to pay for at least one soda, ok? He bought my lunch, but could you let me do that so I can leave him a decent tip on my card?”

“On the sly? You cute thing you. Of course. You know I told him he’d miss out on those tips but he didn’t care.”

“I do.” TJ said simply. She ran his card and he signed off on a tip that more than paid for his lunch, and a breakfast somewhere posh too, to be honest.

Bucky came back out and saw Lee grinning at TJ, which made him smile. He adored Lee, she was the first person to try to crack his shell, and maybe because of her TJ was actually able to do it. He was a little unnerved that she could see through the shell so well, but he figured some people were just a little more aware of others than most. “So, you ready for this? A sober attempt at riding on the back of my bike?”

“I still don’t know how you managed that.” TJ said, “I could have killed us both.”

“Not a chance, you were very well behaved. You held tight and kept your head buried, and I assume your eyes closed.” Bucky laughed, “Thanks again Lee!”

“You got it sweetie, see you tomorrow!”

Outside, next to Bucky’s bike, TJ looked around the parking lot to see a few people heading inside, “You sure she’ll be ok in there alone?”

“Yeah,” Bucky chuckled, “Lee can handle the happy hour crowd. They’re all about drinks and snack foods so Matt, the cook can cover if it gets too crazy, but she can outpour me. It’s a tested theory, she’s quicker, and she’s cuter. She’ll rake in the tips.”

“She’s cute, but I wouldn’t say cuter.”

“Hey what was that ‘we’re just friends’ thing? You don’t want Lee to know something? You like her TJ?” Bucky was only partially teasing.

“She’s hot.” TJ smirked, “But she’s hotter when you’re part of the equation.”

“I see.” Bucky smiled, turning to the bike, “come on, let’s see your sober gracefulness. Up you go.”

TJ seated himself on the back of the bike and watched Bucky mount, paying more attention to his ass and thighs than he should have. He didn’t know why he felt nervous to put his arms around Bucky’s waist, he’d touched him thoroughly the night before, even after wrapping himself around him on this very same bike.

“You’re going to want to hold on.” Bucky said as he started the bike. He smiled again as TJ’s hands tentatively wrapped around his waist. Like the night before, he covered TJ’s hands with his, “It’s ok TJ. Don’t be frightened, I know how to handle this beast.”

TJ was relieved that his nervousness was mistaken for a healthy fear of the motorcycle, because the truth was embarrassing. He tightened his hold when they zoomed into traffic and as they drove, he relaxed into Bucky’s back, and kept a firm comfortable grip around his waist.

Bucky looked over his shoulder at a stoplight, “You ok if we go get a few things from my place? I just gave myself extra time I hadn’t counted on having.”

“Sure, I’m good. I like the ride, Bucky.”

TJ looked around Bucky’s place while Bucky gathered some clothes into a set of bags. It was small and clean, with things scattered at arm’s reach from the spot on the sofa he could imagine Bucky sitting in, there was only the one room, with a wardrobe on the wall, where Bucky was currently sorting out shirts and jeans, socks and underwear. TJ assumed the sofa was a pullout, or Bucky slept on the sofa. TJ sat in the spot he was sure was Bucky’s usual and looked at him, “I like your place Bucky, it seems cozy.”

“That’s a code-word for small.” Bucky looked up with a small smirk, “You see why even if I could have pets, there’s not much room for one.”

“All the room you need for a pet is the space in your heart.” TJ said from memory, some slogan he’d heard once, “and maybe under your feet on the sofa.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, a dog’s “space” is outside, His home, where he sleeps, doesn’t have to be too big. He’ll get to run and play on walks and adventures with you. I meant it though, I could kick back with you here. It would be fun.”

Bucky stuffed the shirts he was considering taking into the bag and set the bag on the floor. He crossed the space and sat next to TJ, “You think so? I didn’t think you’d care to be in such sparse conditions.”

“What do you think I am?” TJ turned to face him, his features conveyed a mix of indignance and concern “I’m no snob Bucky.”

Bucky put his arm across the back of the couch, behind TJ. His fingers brushed TJ’s shoulder, encouraging him to settle back down, TJ settled at Bucky’s side, “I just figured my humble place might look pathetic to someone who is used to better. Not a judgement of your character TJ, I wouldn’t do that, not again.”

“Again?”

“Last night I sort of called you “Trust Fund”

TJ laughed. “you didn’t?! That’s funny Bucky.”

“You didn’t think so last night. I’m really sorry for it, too, by the way.”

“Aw, Bucky you had so much of “me” to put up with last night; I don’t blame you for making snap judgments. I accept your apology. As long as you accept mine for whatever I did to make you call me that.”

“You were adorable, and stupid.”

TJ couldn’t argue with the stupid part, “I’m sorry for being stupid but I can’t help but be adorable.”

“No humility in you, is there?”

“I had to make room for the excess adorable.” TJ teased with an eyebrow wiggle.

“Well, tone down the adorableness and work on the humility, you could kill someone with that much excess adorable.” Bucky said playfully.

TJ rested his head on Bucky’s arm, “I’m not all that dangerous. I’m not even all that adorable. I’m just a guy struggling to figure out who the hell he wants to be.”

“Welcome to the club TJ.” Bucky said, looking at TJ’s profile.

TJ turned his head so he could see Bucky, his cheek resting on Bucky’s bicep, “I shouldn’t complain, here you have to worry about bugging out at a moment’s notice and all I have to worry about is what I want to go through life as, “Trust Fund TJ” or something more.”

“What do you want to do, TJ? If you were given anything and everything and all you had to do was choose, to pluck it out of thin air, what would you do?”

“I’d play the piano. I’d perform, but that’s out of reach.”

“You’re limiting yourself. You’ve built a stone wall between you and your dream and you’ve planted thorns three feet in every direction of it so you won’t have to chance looking over at it.”

“You’re a prick.” TJ lashed out.

“Good to see you’re not just sensitive and mean at the same time just when you’re drunk. I’m not a prick, you’re scared. You’re afraid I’m going to start chopping those thorns down.”

“What do you want to do, Bucky?” TJ wasn’t about to bother correcting him, because Bucky was right, of course, but the first one to be right and not terribly cruel about it. He was also the _very first_ one to call him out properly.

“I want a home where I can stay for longer than a few months, I want a dog, and I want to be free of my past.”

“Ok, I got nothin’.” TJ admitted.

“and I want you to chop down those thorns and tear down that wall between you and your dream.”

“How do you propose I do that?” TJ turned on the sofa to face Bucky.

“I suggest you make a list of every argument you have against it. Every word you’ve ever told someone in defense of your lack of trying.”

“What good would that do?”

“Well, your next list will be the things you’ve said to people in defense of your drug use. No one has to read either lists of course. They're just for you. I am willing to bet that the answers belong on the opposite lists.”

“You really want to see me squirm, don’t you?” TJ frowned.

“No TJ.” Bucky took TJ’s hands in his, “I want to see one of us get what we dream for ourselves. Now, let’s get going.”

TJ let Bucky tug him up from the sofa and he grabbed one of the small bags Bucky had packed. He looked around Bucky’s place again before they left, yeah, he could be comfortable spending his time here.

TJ watched Bucky attach the saddle bags to the back of the motorcycle before mounting it. TJ climbed on behind him, feeling more accustomed to the bike this second time. He felt more confident mounting and riding, he was even able to loosen his hold on Bucky, resting his hands on Bucky’s hips. He thought more about Bucky’s dreams than his own. He really didn’t want to see the day that he couldn’t find Bucky behind the bar, or in his cozy home, because he had to make a run for it.


	7. Chapter 7

When Bucky pulled in front of TJ’s building, TJ had him drive around to the driveway and showed him where to park. He showed him the building’s rear entrance. “Come and go from the front or back, whatever makes you comfortable, this is the area where you can let the dogs romp. There’s a dog park not too far from here too. I’ve been thinking about a pet, but as you can see, I’m doing a shaky job of taking care of myself.”

“If you had someone else to think of, maybe you’d think more highly of yourself.” Bucky said as he held the door open for TJ.

“Maybe. Maybe when I get back we can visit your dogs, we can pick one out, one you like that I could handle and maybe we can meet at the dog park so you can check up on me. I could work out something where you could come and visit and I wouldn’t get surprise visits.”

“Maybe you could talk to your mother and ask her not to surprise-visit you. You’re not under arrest or on probation for anything, you should be able to come and go at your own discretion, even if your discretion is questionable to some. What if she came by and you were involved with someone? Surprise!”

“Yeah, that’s almost happened. You’re right, I should put a stop to it. You didn’t shoot down my dog idea, does that mean you’re into it?”

“I’m really into it TJ, if you do it for you and not for me. If I benefit from it that’s just a bonus, but you can’t just get a dog for my sake. They’re a fifteen to twenty year commitment.”

“I did tell you about the space for dogs and where the dog park is, right?” TJ smiled as he unlocked his apartment, “I know these things. That means I checked.”

“Ok then.” Bucky said, setting his bag down next to the one TJ set by the door.

“You’re home for the next week, make yourself comfortable. There’s a grocery that delivers, the number’s on the fridge. There’s also a list of food places that deliver next to that. Put things on my tab, I want you to eat well.” TJ talked as he walked through the apartment.

“TJ, I saw your fridge, I can eat well out of it for at least six days.”

“You’ll want fresh vegetables and fruit, six days the stuff will be wilted, overripe or bad. Humor me.” TJ brushed his fingers along Bucky’s waist, before tugging his belt loops pulling him closer. “Humor me, please.”

“Fine, but don’t worry so much. I won’t let anything go bad and I won’t starve. I’ll get fresh vegetables and fruit.”

“Thank you.” TJ responded, kissing Bucky quickly.

“You’re welcome.” Bucky returned the kiss, first it was a soft brush against TJ’s lips, and then he applied just a little pressure and a hint of curiosity. TJ’s lips parted to Bucky’s curious pursuit, and his hand gripped Bucky’s waist, pulling him closer. Bucky’s hand slipped behind TJ’s neck, gently holding him close. He savored the sweet sigh into his mouth deepening the intensity of his kiss. Bucky backed TJ up to the island in his attempt to get closer, even though there wasn’t a space between them that air could circulate.

TJ kissed Bucky back with the same passion, moving his hands from Bucky’s chest and waist to thread his fingers into the hair that was falling from Bucky’s hair tie. He held Bucky’s head close with his fingers interwoven in Bucky’s hair when he turned his head to catch his breath. “I…”

“Yeah.” Bucky sighed. “You’re one hell of a kisser TJ.”

“I was trying to say the same thing.” TJ said against Bucky’s cheek. “I could honestly kiss you all night, if I didn’t suffocate from lack of oxygen.”

Bucky laughed, pushing off from the island, his hands remaining on either side of TJ’s waist, “You need to pace yourself.”

“So.” TJ breathed, looking at Bucky’s distracted, soft smile, “Would you like to watch a movie with me?”

“That was unexpected.” Bucky said, brushing his thumb along TJ’s side lazily.

“I just figured it’s still early, and I seem to recall something about you not wanting to be a rebound.” TJ laid his palms on Bucky’s chest, and rubbed up and across to his shoulders, where he massaged the muscles before resting his hands there, “I know plenty of films we could watch and still dabble in kissing.”

“Ok, good point. I’d like that.”

“I think the bedroom is best, I still promise to be good, but since I’ll be gone a week, maybe I can give you a little extra touch therapy while we watch.”

“You’re very kind TJ.” Bucky brushed TJ’s jaw with a stubbly cheek before kissing the smooth skin. He felt TJ’s shudder. “But I can manage.”

“No, that’s not how this works. I’m not kind, I’m selfish. I like making you feel good. I’m used to being made feel good. I’m the one who demands the attention and now I can give it. I like it Bucky.”

“Even though you have to abstain?”

“Trust me, it won’t do me any long-term damage. Come on, let’s get comfortable, and start watching something. Do you want action or comedy? I’m willing to bet you’ve had enough drama and horror’s out of the question.”

“Yeah, there are a couple of things Lee’s been on me to catch. They’re probably still in one of her texts.” Bucky said handing TJ his phone.

“This will never do. You need an upgrade. I just happen to have an extra line that’s not being used.” TJ said looking at Bucky’s flip phone.

“TJ.” Bucky shook his head.

“No. I want to. I have to take it back or give it to someone. You’re using a burner phone aren’t you? Credit checks and stuff?”

“Yeah, and stuff.”

“Well this is secure. It’s already paid for and I think you’ll have fun with it. You can load it with movies and music. I know you like music, but I also saw how you didn’t even have a radio.”

“It was for Jacob wasn’t it?” Bucky asked before TJ could reach the closet where the unopened gift of a brand new phone in a sweet leather case ‘leather for a third anniversary’ still sat, with a jade green ‘for the third year’ bow on it.

“It was. I opened the box so I could put it in a case, which means they won’t take it back. The only options I have now are to switch it to my phone, give it away, or cancel the plan it’s on and pay the cancellation fee. I don’t want to pay a fee and I already have the same phone, so I’d like to give it to my friend, so he has a reliable phone with apps for dog-walking and music.”

“You’re definitely covering all arguments in one breath TJ.” Bucky accused gently.

“I am.” TJ admitted. “ _So_ , without any arguments, how do you feel about accepting my gift? I’ll happily help you set it up tonight while we watch movies.”

“TJ,” Bucky’s tone was soft and affectionate, “I’d be happy to accept your gift and figure out just what to do with you.”

“You only have to promise to keep it, no matter where you end up. You can turn the tracking off, but I’d like to send you messages and maybe get some from you from time to time.”

“I’m not leaving any time soon.”

“From your lips to God’s ear.” TJ said as his fingers touched Bucky’s handing him the leather wrapped phone. “Still, promise?”

“I promise.” Bucky smiled, turning the phone over in his hand, and feeling the smooth, expensive leather. “That man’s a jackass TJ.”

“Yeah?”

“I say yeah. I’m a little glad he didn’t see your value, because I now have a good friend because his stupidity sent you to me. That said I don’t really take any joy in people undervaluing you.”

“You’re going to give me an ego problem.”

“You have an ego problem, you let it tell you things you shouldn’t.”

“You don’t ever censor yourself do you?”

“I do, but not when it counts. I think you deserve to be appreciated by the people who know you. I think you should demand it in your actions and the things you say. I don’t mean walk around telling people to worship you or anything as narcissistic as that.” Bucky continued, working through the steps on the phone, “I don’t believe you should just accept the way people treat you. I haven’t seen any of it in action so I can’t really make my point, except for what I said earlier about your ma coming over unannounced.”

“I think I get what you’re saying. I’ve complained but that’s not the approach that works. I need to present my argument in a way that politicians would understand.”

“Yup. So, what recommendations do you have for me and this thing?” Bucky sat on the edge of the bed watching TJ pick up the remote and flip through the programming guide.

“I’ll show you, hang on. Hey, should I throw some popcorn in the microwave?”

“No. Do you have any of the good stuff? I’ll pop it on the stove.”

“You got something against microwave popcorn Buck?”

“Yeah, the chemical taste. I’d prefer some good ole butter and popcorn, it doesn’t take much longer. I’ll show ya.”

“It’s in the pantry. I never use it, but I know it hasn’t been in there too long.” TJ’s voice called after a quickly retreating Bucky. “I still don’t know what the big difference is.”

“If you don’t know, TJ, you’ve got no business eating in fancy restaurants. By the way, if you don’t know the difference, why do you have the stuff to begin with?”

“An error in grocery delivery.” TJ smiled leaning in the doorway, wearing sweat pants and no shirt.

“Nice view.” Bucky teased.

“You should see my ass.” TJ returned, watching Bucky patiently wait for the corn to pop on the stove. He could watch this, it was more entertaining than watching the bag puff up in the microwave. “I guess, if your popcorn turns out any better than you say my go-to does, I’ll have to call you over any time I want the stuff.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“My view’s not so bad either.” TJ replied, enjoying the little wiggle Bucky put into it when he jostled the kettle on the stove.

“Get out.” Bucky teased. “Don’t you have a movie to find or something?”

“I’ve found a couple, you need to choose. That smells really good.”

“Yeah? Point me to your biggest bowl.” Bucky said, pulling the kettle from the burner. He drizzled melted butter over the fluffy popped kernels and tossed them in the pan with the lid in place before stirring the contents once and emptying it into the large colorful bowl TJ handed him.

TJ stole a handful and stuffed it into his mouth, “mmmmm… you…” he finished chewing and took the bowl, heading for the bedroom, “you definitely have to come around often.”

“What do you have to drink?” Bucky asked, peering into the refrigerator, “Want a soda?”

“Yeah, thanks.” TJ called from the other room.

The two of them settled in the center of TJ’s bed in front of the television on the wall, TJ had the bowl of popcorn between his crossed legs, and Bucky sat at his side with their sodas wedged between them so they wouldn’t tip. Bucky had picked Raiders of the Lost Ark based solely on the excitement on TJ’s face when he’d offered up a choice of titles between Raiders, Die Hard, and with a shy snicker, Lethal Weapon and Terminator. Bucky had to hand it to TJ; he was a spirited, witty guy who had a lot more courage than he gave himself credit for. Bucky had just scowled at TJ, but TJ knew the scowl was fake, he recognized the quivering smile trying to break out.

They watched eagerly as the story unfolded, Bucky trying not to nitpick the historical aspects too much, but as the movie ended, he felt he just had to point out the distracting fact that the submachine gun, the MP-40 and the P-38 handguns used by the Germans weren’t in use in 1936. If Bucky knew anything, he knew guns.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think, Nazis and shit, Bucky…”

“No, TJ, don’t worry about it, I loved it, but they got the damned guns wrong.” Bucky laughed, trying to comfort TJ’s concern. “Don’t get me started on that rocket launcher.”

TJ moved his empty soda can to the bed-side table and dug out another handful of popcorn, “Ok. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. What else do you have for me? Or am I keeping you up?”

“Nah, I’m good for another one, if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll sleep on the plane.” TJ scrolled through Bucky’s new phone, for the list he’d had Bucky forward from the old one. “So she’s got a few comedies listed, but a lot of them are for someone who’s pretty savvy with pop culture, like we need to get a few things in music, television, and movies under your belt before you could appreciate some of these. I can’t believe she hasn’t listed this one,” TJ said as he pulled up the description for _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_.

“I trust you TJ.” Bucky moved from the bed, grabbing some clothes to change into and headed for the bathroom, “Get it set up, I’ll be right out.”

TJ moved the now empty bowl and the empty soda cans to the kitchen and grabbed a couple of water bottles from the fridge, returning at the same time Bucky stepped out of the bathroom wearing only pajama pants. He tried not to gape at the scars at Bucky’s shoulder, instead taking in his broad chest with an indulgent smile. “Ready?” TJ climbed back into the middle of the bed.

“Start’er up.” Bucky answered, crawling into position on the bed, lying with his head at the foot, watching the screen with his chin in his hands.

TJ started the film and placed his palms on Bucky’s waist, rubbing his back lightly and then pressing into the muscles just above the waistband of the pajama pants. Bucky groaned as TJ kept hitting muscle tension and kneading it out in various places along his spine. The pressure kept moving up his spine until TJ hit the spot between Bucky’s shoulders.

He paid extra attention there, kneading and pressing, down and out, down and out. He heard the vertebrae crackle into alignment and continued kneading the area, varying pressure between deep and barely touching Bucky’s skin. His hands eventually continued up and into Bucky’s neck muscles. Bucky dipped his head, elongating his neck and savoring the treatment.

“I think you do enjoy this as much as I do.” TJ heard Bucky’s muffled voice.

“Yeah? It is relaxing.” TJ leaned forward and placed a kiss on the scar tissue at Bucky’s shoulder. “Do you feel that?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah, some.” Bucky said, stretching his arms over his head and looking sideways at TJ, receiving more kisses along his scars. “Not deeply, more like a feather’s touch.”

TJ kissed Bucky’s neck, “it was more like that.” He said, for reference.

“Mm.hmm. Hey, go back, I missed something.” Bucky sat up. He scooted back to the headboard and tugged TJ into his arms when TJ moved to be near him.

TJ settled into the strong embrace and replayed the last scene, smiling at how nice it felt, how easy it was to just settle in. He liked being so close to him, and as Bucky laughed at the antics in the film, he enjoyed feeling the deep laughter reverberate through him.


	8. Chapter 8

Bucky wasn’t sure when TJ fell asleep, he just knew that neither of them made it through the third movie that he and TJ had both insisted they could watch. He couldn’t even remember which title they’d decided on. He slipped out from under TJ and covered him with the comforter then crawled back into the bed next to TJ in the space remaining. TJ’s only movement was to curl around Bucky and lay his hand on Bucky’s hip.

TJ’s alarm woke him sooner than he’d expected, and louder than he’d wanted. He tried to reach it but was on the opposite side of the bed than he was used to. There was a broad back between him and the offending item. Bucky reached for the phone and handed it over his shoulder lazily, “time to start the day.” He said in a husky, sleep-laden voice.

“Yeah, if I don’t want a black-suited escort to the airport, I’d better get moving. SO I didn’t show you everything and I’m a horrible host.” TJ stretched like a cat as he rose from the bed. “The mailbox is in the front foyer, the weird looking key is for the mail, if you could just bring it in and set it on the island.”

“TJ, don’t stress. You’ve been a great host. You showed me dozens of things. I’ll remember the mail and I’ll have the grocery deliver fresh produce.” Bucky sat against the headboard with his arms behind his head, smiling at TJ’s persistence.

“Ok, you’re right. And if you have any questions, you can text me or call. Please call.” TJ grinned. “I don’t get the paper, for obvious reasons, but if you’d like, the grocer will deliver you one daily.”

“TJ, go get ready.” Bucky ordered. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

“I try.” TJ said from the bathroom doorway.

Bucky smiled wider than he could remember in a long time. TJ was generous and he was kind, somehow Bucky wanted get TJ to treat himself with the same kindness. He’d figure out how to manage that while TJ was away.

Before TJ left, he was still full of explanations and expectations, “I expect to see dog hair on the sofa, in fact, I expect you to send me photos of the dogs who visit.” TJ said on his way out the door.

“Yes, TJ.” Bucky laughed, gripping TJ’s waist and kissing him lightly on the side of the mouth. “I’ll do everything you’ve instructed me to do. I’ll be here when you get back, stop fretting.”

On the plane, TJ thought about the last 36 hours, Elaine noticed her son was distracted and after several hours she finally reached out and touched his arm, “What has you so preoccupied? Is it Jacob?”

“No, not exactly.” TJ looked out the window, instead of at his mother. “Are you on duty or do you have time to talk?”

“I have time.” She answered, putting away the documents and electronics in front of her, “I have the rest of the flight. Talk to me?”

“I cried over him.” TJ said simply, his eyes just misting over, “I got drunk, nearly poisoned myself if the stories are true.”

“Stories?”

“Through it all, I made a friend, he got pretty angry with me for putting him in a rough position. I got home safely because of this friend and he’s distracted me from the whole Jacob thing.”

“Is this healthy?”

“Christ, is anything?” TJ asked, exasperated with her accusatory concern and his own doubts. “Sorry, I’ve wondered the same thing. But I like him, he’s nice and no, there hasn’t been any sex. It’s been about getting to know each other. He took me home, he made sure I wasn’t going to die in my sleep and he bought me lunch yesterday.”

Elaine could see there was more he wasn’t telling her, but TJ was trying to be open with her so she let it slide, “What do you know about this person?”

“I know he’s got a stable job and an apartment. He loves dogs and wants to get to a place where he can have one. He’s kind and he’s considerate. I don’t want to get into it too much, because we’re just friends, we’ve watched a couple of movies together, and that’s pretty much where things are. He’s not a drinker and he doesn’t do drugs.”

“Where did he meet you to save you from yourself?”

“At the bar I was trying to forget Jacob in. He’s one of the bartenders. Don’t judge, I was in there for destructive reasons and he didn’t let me succeed. He’s not going to serve me alcohol any more, even if I do go in there belligerent and demanding. He’ll just haul me outside and take me home. But I don’t even have those plans, I went to a meeting the morning after I fell off the wagon and I talked to Nana too. I really want to put that slip behind me and stay sober.”

“TJ, three years.” She sounded disappointed and TJ had to remember that it wasn’t her approval he needed. It was his own.

“Yeah, three years to the day. Three years where I was with Jacob and could check in with him. Three years where I did it for someone else. Again. I know it was three years Mom, because it was my birthday, and my anniversary and the day my heart broke again. Today is day two sober. Today I’m going to be sober for me.”

“What about this bartender?”

“He factors in only as much as you do. He wants me to succeed, isn’t that what you want? I’m going to be away from him for the week. I’m going to be tested wherever you’re taking me and I’m going to be alone a lot. Because that’s how these trips are. So, I’m going to have to do this by myself, for me.”

\- - -

Bucky dressed after TJ left and headed straight for the shelter. He was going to check on and walk his three favorites if he had time and he was going to ask about a possible sleepaway foster plan for Edgar. Edgar was getting kennel stress and he would benefit the most from the time away. How to get Edgar to TJ’s place was the question he’d have to answer. Maybe he could take a cab? He’d figure it out if Edgar could come home. He’d walk the dog home if he needed to.

His request was approved with excitement from several of the shelter staff, everyone knew Edgar was a good dog, through no fault of his own he was just there too long, and the noises were getting to him. Bucky hoped TJ would like Edgar, because he’d love to liberate this stressed out mutt permanently, but he would let TJ choose. One of the volunteers offered to give Edgar a ride, which made everything that much easier. She followed Bucky to the apartment and she brought a crate along, helping Bucky set it up before he brought Edgar inside. She left as soon as the dog was out of the car, having to run to pick up a couple of smaller dogs from the groomer for their shelter photo.

Bucky walked Edgar around the little grassy area and let him off the leash to wander around the perimeter again. Edgar took it slow, fearfully nosing everything before coming back to sit at Bucky’s feet. “That’s all you got Eddie? I know man, it’s tough getting your bearings. This place is tops. I promise.” He leashed the dog again and waited for him to fall into step with him. He took the threshold slowly and encouraged him up each step with a chicken treat. It took an hour to get the dog up to the second floor, but neither of them minded. He did call Lee and explained the situation, and almost begged her to cover his shift again, but she cut him off with gushing compliments and told him not to worry about it and to keep up the good work.

Inside the apartment, poor Edgar had to get used to more changes. He sat next to Bucky’s leg in the entry and wouldn’t budge, even when Bucky moved into the living room, he looked back to see the black boxer mix sitting right where he’d left him.

“Eddie, my friend, we have the place to ourselves. You’re safe here.” Bucky sat on the floor about five feet from the dog and pulled a package of freeze-dried liver pieces from his bag, this was doggy crack. It had to work. Bucky suppressed a smile when Edgar’s nose lifted. “That’s right Ed, really stinky liver snacks. All you’ve gotta do is come and sit in front of me.”

Bucky took his phone from his pocket and snapped a quick picture of Edgar sitting, sniffing the air and sent it to TJ, “This is Edgar, he’s terrified right now, but hopefully he’ll settle in soon.”

He got a call immediately afterward, “He’s gorgeous! He’s afraid? Of my apartment?”

“Of everything. He’s pretty stressed at the kennel. TJ this will do him so much good, thank you for offering and insisting. How was your flight?”

“Uncomfortable when I tried to explain why I wasn’t still drowning in breakup tears. But ok. I have a few minutes before the hullabaloo dies down. Was that picture current?”

“Yeah, taken and sent at the same time. It took us an hour to get upstairs.”

“How’s he going to be leaving again at the end of the week?” TJ worried.

“We’ll take that as it comes. He wouldn’t have done well in the shelter for the week, might have even been deemed unadoptable. I gotta keep Eddie safe.”

“Do you think he’d like me?”

“In time I think he’ll like everyone. You most of all.”

TJ smiled, hoping that not only could the dog like him and stay, but that Bucky could stay. He didn’t mean in his home, although that would be more than acceptable, he meant in town, in his life. TJ thought Bucky probably liked him enough already. He’d been wrong before, but he was committed to doing better about how he read other people’s interest in him. “That’s sweet Bucky. It looks like my mom’s done. Can I call you later?”

“Of course. Where did you end up?”

“Don’t you watch the news?” TJ teased, “I'm kidding, we’re in California. I’ll try to remember the time difference and not call too late.”

“You can call any time, I have a feeling it’s going to be a late night with Edgar here anyway. Talk to you later TJ.”

“Later Bucky.” TJ was careful not to smile too enthusiastically as he ended the call. His mother wasn’t far enough away to be able to make something up. He pocketed his phone and took her arm as they headed for the car and the whole damned motorcade.

Bucky smiled as he tucked the phone away, this was such a blessing. Meeting TJ gave Bucky the chance not only to help poor Edgar, but also to be able to relax for what felt like the first time in ages. Bucky turned the stereo on low and turned to see Edgar still sitting roughly a foot from the entrance, panting and shaking. He sat on the floor again with the dog treats. He stretched out halfway between him and the dog and stealthily put the treat between them.

Edgar sniffed again, Bucky figured any little interest was good, and there had been moments on the stairs when he hadn’t even sniffed the air.  Bucky turned sideways, not looking at the dog, and scrolled through his phone, looking at the apps that TJ had insisted he could make good use of. He sensed the dog’s movement and peeked out of the corner of his eye to see Edgar crouched and stretching for the liver treat.

As the dog chewed on his reward, Bucky slowly reached out and put another treat between him and the new spot Edgar was taking up. He waited as long as before, letting the dog sniff and determine his own comfort with the situation. Edgar loved to be petted and loved by Bucky but this new space was taking so much out of him, that he didn’t seem to care that Bucky was the one in the middle of the space. Bucky sent another photo of Edgar, now two feet from the tip of his outstretched hand, to TJ with “It’s gonna be a long night”.

“He’s being very brave. Good luck Bucky, you’re an angel.” TJ texted in response.

“No, but maybe I can be redeemed.” Bucky sent back after weighing whether or not he should. He looked at Edgar as he crept closer in much less time than the last move took. He crooned at the dog, “You’re a good man Eddie. Come and get some more tasty treats.”

It was another hour before the dog closed the gap and laid his head on Bucky’s lap. Bucky smiled and laid his hand on the dog’s head, scratching between his ears and feeding him the promised treats. “We just have to do this again to get you into the other room and even the crate.” Bucky told the dog as he snapped another photo of the dog for TJ.

“You did it!” TJ responded.

“He’s halfway between the front door and the bedroom. His crate is in there. If I’m bothering you, you don’t have to answer.”

“I need to, this is boring.” TJ snapped a selfie of him waiting around for his mother to finish the current meeting “waiting to go to lunch. She’s going to starve me.”

Bucky laughed, startling Edgar, he put his hand on the dog’s neck and stroked softly, “sorry pal.” He said to the dog. “You should have taken something to snack on.” He sent TJ.

“Notes for future TJ. I know how these things go. I deserve it for not thinking ahead.”

“Learn from your mistake. Tomorrow, be prepared.” Bucky sent back and his phone rang almost instantly. He looked at the video prompt and shrugged, accepting.

“I’m bored but not bored enough to text.” TJ said as soon as Bucky answered.

“Hi again.” Bucky smiled. “This is better than texting.”

“Yeah, better than just the phone too, huh? I can see you and you can see me.”

“You have time for this?”

“You did see the photo I sent right? She hasn’t moved. She’s in full presidential mode. I’m getting ready to order a pizza to be delivered right here.”

“That would go over well, wouldn’t it?”

“Oh…” TJ laughed, “You have no idea. She’d slap me into tomorrow.”

Bucky smiled, enjoying TJ’s humor. “I’m sorry you’re left to wait, lessons in patience for both of us tonight.”

“You’re the most patient person I know; you’d have to be to be a coveted sniper.” TJ said casually before realizing how closely he touched on Bucky’s history, “Shit, Bucky I’m sorry.”

“No worries TJ. That part of my life, I’m actually proud of. I was doing my duty by choice, fighting alongside Steve and doing good works.”

“Is he “the boy” you mentioned?” TJ asked, figuring he’d already stuck one foot in it.

“Yeah, he was. It wasn’t a thing though. Couldn’t be, I protected him from everything, why would I endanger him?”

“Sorry, I’m full of screw-ups today.” TJ apologized.

“Don’t be, you’re not. It was an honest question.”

“So have you ever? With a guy I mean?” TJ asked, watching Bucky smile.

“You blush very prettily TJ.” Bucky teased. “No, I haven’t ever. I wasn’t ever going to say anything to Steve so I didn’t bother, because to be honest, before I met you, I wasn’t ever tempted, or interested in another ‘guy’.”

“No way.” TJ refused the comment, “Lee wasn’t at all surprised when we were together, like she assumed we were _together_.”

“Lee knows about Steve, in as much as she knows that I longed for ‘a guy’ when I was younger. We were talking about LGBT issues because of something in the news and all of a sudden I needed to say it out loud, after 80 years, I needed to say it to someone.”

“They say confession is good for the soul.” TJ said quietly.

“I didn’t need to confess anything, I just needed to acknowledge the truth. It was the first time since my memories were stolen from me that I owned it.

“How could I compete with someone like Captain America?” TJ frowned.

“You can’t because there’s no comparison to be made. First, I fell for him when he was skinny and sickly and I was sort of put in the same frame of mind you are when he changed, How could I compete with anyone he gave his heart to, and he did, you know.”

“Peggy Carter.” TJ acknowledged.

“Yeah, gorgeous, feisty, intelligent woman. She was strong and perfect for him.”

“Would you tell him now? If you had the chance?”

“I… I don’t know TJ. That question has kept me up at night on many occasions since everything happened. I just don’t know.”

“I’m so sorry Bucky, that was very personal and very stupid.”

“Not at all TJ. I can talk about it, I just don’t know the answer.”

“I don’t want you kept awake all night because I asked the question.”

“TJ, I’m going to be up all night because of Edgar.” Bucky smiled, “if the thought of me in or out of relationships happens simultaneously, then it gives me something to work through. To be honest, I’m still thinking about your kisses.”

TJ closed his eyes and Bucky chuckled at his response. “I kind of like watching you get frustrated, this video thing is pretty great.”

“Oh shut up.” TJ complained. “I like watching you laugh, you jackass. Crap, just as this was getting fun, here comes my mom.”

“Maybe you can eat now. Are you going to be stuck at these things every day?”

“No, this one was on the way, squeeze it in sort of thing. Tomorrow I’m on my own until some dinner Suarez. I’ll send you a picture of me all suited up. Can I still call you tonight?”

“You’d better.” Bucky answered, “Hopefully by then we’ll have made it into the bedroom. Maybe if I leave him where he is now and start cooking something he’ll relax. He’s _mostly_ food motivated, except for a few times earlier.”

“Yeah, maybe the smell… food… I’m still hungry and all I can think of is that omelet you made.”

“Go, have dinner with your ma.” Bucky laughed as he slipped his leg out from under the sleeping dog and moved to the kitchen, “Eddie’s asleep, that’s a good sign.”

“I’m so glad, maybe things will pick up from here. Bye again Bucky.”

“Bye for now TJ.” Bucky smiled into the camera, before setting the phone down to start dinner.

Elaine looked at TJ as he completed his call, “your friend?”

“Yeah, he was keeping me occupied while I waited. He thought it was a good idea to tell me he was fixing dinner and I haven’t even had lunch yet.”

“I’m sorry TJ. I didn’t realize it would take this long.”

“I did. Next time I’ll bring a snack bar or something. It’s ok, as long as you make it up to me with lunch.”

“Actually, it’s going to be an early dinner, we have to go to the hotel and get changed.”

“No. Not a function tonight? Did this just happen?”

“Yes, that’s part of what took so long. Things were moved around to accommodate some scheduling problems.”

“And they have to inconvenience the President because of it. Tell me this is one of the things I can skip.”

“I’m sorry TJ.”

“Two I’m sorry TJ’s in less than three minutes, great. This doesn’t look good. Why did you bring me here again?”

“I told you, Douglas wasn’t available and I haven’t seen you in a while. I honestly thought you’d have Jacob with you and wouldn’t be so…”

“Bored? Unchaperoned? You can’t keep doing this Momma. You made me drop everything because you didn’t have an escort? Don’t I deserve at least a little consideration?” He was proud of himself for managing to keep his voice level, he paused to collect his thoughts but had to interrupt her before she started in on him, “You lured me in with promises to spend time with me, which amounted to the last hour of the flight and maybe some time on the way to or from any number of required functions where I’m going to be sidelined just like I was this afternoon.”

“Thomas, I told you it was unexpected.”

“Yes, and since it was unexpected, I am completely unprepared. I’m going to say no thank you to tonight. I'm going back to the hotel and I'm going to order room service. You go, enjoy your meeting disguised as a dinner. I’ll start my required escort services tomorrow.”

TJ turned and walked away, leaving his mother looking at his squared shoulders as he retreated. He sucked in a deep breath on the curb, realizing he had come in the same car as the person he’d just stormed away from. He walked to the street corner and called a cab. TJ was feeling empowered, even as he watched her walk to the car and wait, even when she knew he had seen her watching him. “I can’t let her reduce me to escort or pawn or whatever she expects me to be.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

TJ took the cab to the hotel, tossed his clothes across the room, and turned the shower on hot. He stood under the stream of water, letting it pound on his neck and back. He tipped his head under the showerhead and let the water slide down his face. He stood in the steamy shower for a long time, thinking about everything. His earlier pride and feelings of empowerment were starting to fracture into self-doubt.

TJ stepped out of the shower and toweled off, slipping the towel around his waist and walking into the room. He flopped onto the bed, lying across the downy comforter and looking at the ceiling. ‘This is the time when I need to remember the way I felt when I stood up for myself. Not the way I feel about it now’. He thought repeatedly. He rolled over to the house phone and called room service, ordering comfort food in the form of artisan grilled cheese and tomato basil soup, and pie a la mode. He thought about calling Bucky but wasn’t in the right frame of mind yet, so he decided to wait until after he ate his early dinner.

After dinner, TJ still felt raw, frustrated and continued to doubt his decision to leave. He wanted to call Bucky but he didn’t want to be all drama all the time with the man. He had enough going on in his life. TJ curled up with the remote, the towel had been replaced by pajama pants, and started flipping channels. News coverage of his mother at the event he was supposed to be attending made him roll his eyes and pick up his phone.

Bucky answered right away, “TJ, hey.”

“Hi.” TJ said, his voice smaller than he’d intended.

“Are you ok TJ?”

“Yeah, just needed to talk to someone.”

“That’s what I’m here for. What’s up? Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Frustrated. My mom was supposed to have lunch with me then some scheduling snafu had one meeting moved to today. She told me I needed to be at this impromptu dinner, I got upset and told her I wasn’t going, I thought I did ok, you know? No tantrums, unless you call me comparing myself to an escort service as a Tantrum. I’ve been second-guessing everything since I got to the room.”

“TJ, did you eat?” Bucky asked, TJ almost thought he was missing the point.

“Yeah, but…”

“You told me hours ago that you were hungry. You waited longer than you’d been told you’d have to wait to have your lunch, and you were expected to wait for dinner? I’m glad you stood up for yourself and had something to eat.”

“That’s how I expected to feel.” TJ admitted. “I wanted to call earlier but I really don’t want to bring drama into your life as my only contribution to our conversations.”

“TJ, you said you’d call and you did, that’s what matters. You should know, I’d like it if you would call me when you need to, and as often as you need to.”

“But you have so much to worry about, my petty problems aren’t worth your time.”

“I wish you were here right now so you could see how much I hate what you said. You’re worth my time, so the things that worry you are worth my time.”

“I just wish I wasn't here at all.” TJ said quietly as he dragged his fingers through his still slightly damp hair.

“Do you want to know what I call it when someone can do something about some ‘wish’ they have but they don’t?”

TJ thought about the things that Bucky couldn’t do anything about and realized that he could do something about this ‘wish’. “What?”

“A wasted opportunity.” Bucky answered simply.

“You’re right. I can do something about this. The question is, should I stay because I said I would? Or should I go home because that’s where I want to be? Would you stay if I came back?”

“Would you want me to?” Bucky asked.

“I’m kind of afraid to say how much I want you to. I was supposed to be away from you for six days, six days of the one-week minimum I promised to wait before torturing myself by throwing myself at you. If I come home, I’ll have to be tempted by you at much closer range.”

TJ smiled at Bucky’s laugh, “You think I’m kidding?” he asked.

“No, TJ. I don’t. I can’t tell you what to do either. Whether you stay or come home, that’s got to be your choice.”

“I know. I feel so torn. I just don’t want to continue to be browbeaten into things. I’m here because Dougie couldn’t be. I don’t even do the things for her that my brother does.”

“I want to see you, so don’t think I don’t, but can I make a suggestion?”

“Of course, then we’ll talk about something else, like Edgar and what movie you're watching without me.”

“Ok, may I suggest that you try to stick it out? Give yourself a day or three, and if you still feel strongly about it, get a flight home.”

“You’re quite the diplomat, did you know that?”

“You have to be when your best friend growing up is a scrawny little spitfire with the heart of a grizzly bear. So what do you think of my suggestion?”

“I think it’s horrible and too smart to argue with. I’ll do my best to stick around a couple of days to test the waters.” TJ answered with a frown that Bucky could imagine clearly. “So, about that movie? and Edgar?”

Bucky thought about the slow approach Edgar had made toward the kitchen while dinner cooked. He had found some leftover chicken and decided to throw together a stir-fry. Edgar was just a few feet away by the time Bucky had plated his food.

“Ok, so Edgar loosened up by the time I finished cooking, enough to join me on the edge of the kitchen _and_ to follow me from the kitchen to the bedroom when I finished eating.”

“You just had to cook something?”

“After several hours of coaxing and soothing, yeah.”

“He sounds so precious.” TJ smiled, “Is he settled in at all now? It’s been a few more hours.”

“He’s sitting in the middle of the bedroom. He was lying down until I moved and I guess I startled him.”

“Because I called?”

“No, I leaned across the bed to grab a drink and he sat straight up. I feel for the guy.” Bucky frowned, “I’ve been that scared before. I have a feeling he won’t be in his crate tonight. I’m going to have to start early to get him in there for tomorrow when I have to go to work.”

“If you can’t you can leave him out, I don’t think he’ll hurt anything, do you?”

“I don’t know. He’s reportedly a good dog, but if he stays in this funk that long I don’t know what to do for him, and if he doesn’t, I’m afraid he’ll start to get bored and maybe chew on something he’s not supposed to.”

“Take a break tonight, he’s probably as tired as you are from the emotions of it all, see where he is in the morning. Biggest no-no’s are the piano and anything that will hurt him, so if you can keep him from those things, leave him out.”

“You’re very understanding TJ. I don’t think you know what this means to me, how it makes me feel to have him here, to be helping him.”

“I’m glad, Bucky.” TJ heard the emotion that Bucky was trying to suppress, “So what movie did you decide on? If we found one we could watch together, and if you were interested, we could chat through it via text.”

“Ok, so you’re much better with this than I am.” Bucky said picking up the remote, “You’ll have to bear with me.”

TJ laughed, “You can do it.”

“I know, just not as swiftly as you. You are young enough to be my great-great-grandson you know.”

“Oh shut up.” TJ giggled, “You can’t use that one. You might not be used to the technology of some things, but you’re adept at others. I don’t imagine you got a lot of TV time with Hydra.”

TJ dropped his phone in a sudden panic, “Oh fuck, Bucky I’m so sorry. Fuck don’t hate me.” He stammered as he picked up the phone and scrambled to put it on speaker.

He heard Bucky laughing, “Don’t worry about it TJ, don’t _ever_ censor yourself! I love the innocent humor of it, I really do. Promise me you won’t worry about that stuff ever?!”

“If you say so,” TJ said cautiously.

“I say so, god dammit TJ that was witty.” Bucky said, still laughing.

“It was stupid.” TJ said fighting a smile.

“It wasn’t, it was clever.” Bucky said enthusiastically, “You’d be right, of course, about the TV thing. So… How about _Airplane_?”

“I’ll check, some networks are good for this and others not so much.” TJ flipped through the programming and found the movie, “We’re good to go.”

“Ok, but I have a problem TJ. I don’t want to text, how about we just stay on the phone? It’s more instant.”

“I just thought maybe you’d be tired of listening to me by the end of a movie.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit TJ. Now shut up and watch the movie.”

TJ grinned at the order, it was lighthearted, and he could hear the laughter in Bucky’s voice. They traded cracks back and forth, rehashed references that Bucky wasn’t caught up with, and they laughed. TJ sent pictures of himself and begged for the same from Bucky, and Bucky sent dozens of pictures when Edgar poked his nose over the edge of the bed.

“Invite him up, let him up on the bed Bucky.” TJ prodded. “If he’ll get up, he’d be fun to sleep with.”

“You think so. What if his new family doesn’t want him on the furniture and we just end up confusing him?” Bucky asked, stroking the top of the soft flattened nose of the boxer.

“What if I’m his new family and I say so?” TJ asked, “What if we’re his new and very oddly situated family, and I want him on my bed to snuggle with us while we watch movies?”

“You have to meet him first. I can’t just go letting him get up on the bed when you don’t even know if he’s going to like you.”

“You said he’d like me most of all.” TJ reminded Bucky with a smirk that could practically be heard over the phone.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?”

“See if he’ll get up next to you, if he’s not the right fit for me, he can learn someone else’s rules slowly.”

Bucky laughed but TJ heard him coaxing the dog up. It took the better part of a scene in the movie but it was worth it for TJ to hear giggling and the happy jingling of dog tags. “That’s a gooood boy.” Bucky praised the dog in the most ridiculous voice that had TJ longing to be in the midst of the party.

“Oh stop it you two.” The aggravation in TJ’s voice was real.

“TJ? Hey I thought this was ok?” Bucky asked, concerned.

“It is, I just wish I was there. Dammit why did I agree to this? I hate these things.”

“You want to spend time with your ma.” Bucky reminded him, “Forget what I said earlier TJ. Try to stick it out, take what she can give you. It’s important to you and it’s important to her or she wouldn’t have asked. Don’t make me tell you about lost time.”

“Oh fine, be the voice of reason or something.” TJ groused. Bucky’s low chuckle made TJ smile in spite of the problem of wanting to be somewhere else. “So, is he next to you now?”

“Yeah, taking up most of the bed, you might have trouble when you get home.” Bucky answered, taking a picture of Edgar sprawled across the center of the bed as proof, and sending it off to TJ. He couldn’t tell if the laughter was from the picture or from the current scene in the movie, but TJ was laughing and that was all that counted.

As the credits rolled for the movie, the two said goodnight, wistfully and reluctantly for their own personal reasons. Bucky had thought many times through the evening about the tender caresses that TJ was so good at giving. He resorted to touching the dog’s ear or foot or tail, rubbing the spot over Edgar’s tail that all dogs seem to absolutely love having scratched, and pressing his leg up against the dog’s back as he stretched out on the bed next to Bucky. TJ was right, not the same but infinitely better than being alone.


	10. Chapter 10

TJ dreaded the hours upon hours he’d have to wait before getting to spend maybe an hour with his mom. He thought about things he could do to pass the time and decided he would get out and see as much of the area as he could, something he had never been able to do when he was younger. Before saying goodnight, he’d told Bucky his plan and Bucky had encouraged him further by telling him that he was going to send him a list of things TJ had to find and photograph to send back to him.

“That almost sounds enjoyable. Do that, please?” TJ yawned.

“Yes, in the morning you’ll get a list.” Bucky said scratching the sleeping dog’s ear. “Good night TJ.”

“G’night Bucky.” TJ said softly, “we’ve never said ‘good night’ before, always just fell asleep.”

“True. Firsts are nice. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Good luck with Edgar and the crate. Don’t stress, leave him in the bedroom if the crate doesn’t work.” TJ added quickly.

“TJ, you’re worrying. Don’t. Eddie here’ll be just fine. Get some rest.”

“You too. Thanks for everything.”

“Thank _you_ TJ.” Bucky said sweetly. “Good night.”

TJ ended the call with a smile, he was done for. He was certainly moving too quickly and he didn’t even care. He did care, though, how it would affect Bucky, so he was going to follow Bucky’s lead and move slowly.

* * *

 

When Bucky woke up to the rough wet tongue of a dog on his neck, he smiled, barely registering the peek of daylight coming in the window, and curled into the dog with a sweet dog-voice “who needs an alarm clock right Eddie? You wanna try this going outside and coming back in thing? Let’s do it.”

Bucky crawled across the bed, grabbing his phone. He called to Edgar when he reached the door and the dog stretched lazily before slowly creeping off the bed. “Good boy.” He crooned. Bucky pulled the leash quietly off the back of the chair and turned to see the dog sitting nearby. “Such a good boy. Come.”

Eddie sat and looked at him.

“Ok, you’re not getting liver treats just for being cute. Come here.”

The dog moved closer and sat in front of Bucky without another word.

Bucky clipped the leash to his collar and gave him a small treat, “you’re not ruining your breakfast with these.” They went out into the hall and Bucky started down the steps as though they hadn’t been a giant issue the night before. Edgar followed. “good man, Eddie.”

Once outside in the courtyard, Bucky unclipped the leash and let the dog wander. He texted a list of things for TJ to find and photograph, starting with breakfast and including things like graffiti; street signs; “Not just any old street sign you find, look for something creative, frame it creatively.” Interesting tourists; interesting architecture; the ocean; palm trees in odd places; fruit – “not on your plate or in a store, think big, be creative.” Your face, enjoying something, not contorted and not pouting; something older than me; at least one dog.

Bucky kept thinking of random shit that might at least make TJ smile, and hopefully encourage him to try to stick it out. He added things like a weird yard decoration; a yard that wasn’t fronted by lawn “not just a junky thing, something lovely, TJ.” The lamest superhero costume; a business sign that doesn’t know any better (the more inappropriate the better); your face “I know I listed that already, I’ll send you my face if you send yours.”

TJ woke up to the list of things and the commentary beside some of it and he laughed. He called Bucky when he got another text with more things, “Good morning sunshine.” He said as Bucky answered.

“Is it? Good, I’m glad. Good morning TJ.”

“How’d Edgar do?” TJ could imagine he either reverted or kept blooming, he knew how both felt, so he could relate to the poor creature.

“He did well, he woke me with kisses. Not the same as my previous kissing wake-up call, but pretty nice. He followed me out of the bedroom and he sat for his leash. He mastered the stairs and is wandering the courtyard. I’m going to have to pick up after him in a minute and start breakfast for him so I can see if he will go into the crate.”

“I’m looking at your list and it’s pretty challenging. I hope you don’t expect it all in one day.”

“Spread it out-they're just ideas, but I need the one about your face? That one I need every day.” TJ could hear the smile in Bucky’s voice.

“You really want me to go to the beach? I guess I could do that. You also expect me to wander neighborhoods? This is going to be an interesting week.”

“That’s what I was hoping for. I’ll send more things if I think of them. Does it count if I don’t send it and just tell you?”

“You have something in mind?”

“Yeah, sunset and sunrise. They don’t have to be back to back, but yeah. See them both TJ.”

“I can do those. You’re probably also going to get some weird random shit from the events I have to tag along with too, so bear with me. I’ll try to make them fun.”

“I’m glad it’s catching on.”

“Have a good day at work, single or double shift today?”

“Single, I don’t have another double for a few days. I close tonight and tomorrow though, so I’m going to have to talk to you in the morning. I hope you’re ok with that.”

“I’m ok with it, I’ll keep myself busy editing photos I’ve been assigned to take, and you’ll probably wake up to them. I’ll upload them and send a link to the album.”

“Perfect.”

“Tell Edgar I can’t wait to meet him and give him extra loves for me.”

“Consider it done. I’m not in until 7, so you can call me any time today if you need or want to.”

“Thanks Bucky, maybe you can let me know when you get everything settled down with Edgar. Does he answer better to Edgar or Eddie?”

“I almost always call him Eddie so I can’t say.”

“Ok, ‘Eddie’ it is.” TJ smiled, “Have fun with him. Good luck.”

TJ rolled out of bed, stretching and smiling. He was going to tackle this list of photos, he was going to have fun trying to make them really worthwhile and he’d fit his mom in when she was available.

After jumping in the shower and getting ready for the day, he looked at his phone to find more on the list of things to photograph, a picture of Edgar peering into the crate, and a text from his mother. “Breakfast at 9 meet me in the lobby.”

Ok then. TJ forced the negative feelings of the abrupt message away and looked at the list again before going back to her message, “was that a ??” he replied. “I’ll need 20.”

He saw her response as he lazily put his shoes on. He was dressed for his adventure, not for a state event, so he really hoped she’d warn him ahead of time for something that required more effort. “Try for ten” she had said. He smiled, ‘I oughtta make it 30.’ He thought as he forced himself to wait the extra five minutes he’d originally indicated.

TJ made a show of rushing and slowing up just before reaching the lobby and the army of Secret Service that flanked his mother, “Sorry Mom!” he smiled endearingly, hugging back when she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Woke late, didn’t see your message until later still.” Hey, the gift of lying could be useful sober too.

“Let’s have breakfast, I want to talk to you about yesterday.”

“Yeah, let’s talk. I could eat too.” Breakfast was on the list of things to photograph and it was calling to his empty belly.

Once seated in the restaurant, TJ spoke first, “Please, whatever you have to say about yesterday, can you not reprimand me like a moody teen. I didn’t try to behave that way so if it came across like that I’m sorry. I was tired and hungry and shanghaied.”

“I wanted to apologize. I should have had you go back so you could rest and maybe get a snack, then join me later if you wanted. I have my itinerary nailed down and want you to have it so you can schedule around me and none of the dinners are required, but I’d like to have you with me for as many as you could manage.”

“Wow, ok.” TJ didn’t spare the look of confusion regarding her quick 180, “I’d like the itinerary, I’ve got some places and things I want to see so it would be nice to know how to get around. Speaking of getting around, I think I’m going to rent a car.”

“Can I ask what exciting plans have put a smile on your face?”

“I’m going to see the city. I want to drive around like a regular guy in a stupid car, maybe a convertible, and I’m going to find off-beat things to see and do. Just because I can.”

Elaine was concerned about this quick reversal, but the genuine smile on her son’s face was nearly enough to push the worry aside, “This wouldn’t have anything to do with your new friend, would it?”

“It does and it doesn’t. I wanted to go home last night, today at the latest, but he encouraged me to give this week a try. He sent me a photo scavenger hunt list to accomplish during the times when I'll be alone. I’m still going to be alone _a lot_ this week, and the assignment is appealing, so I’m giving it a shot.”

Elaine looked at her son and considered what he said, he was sticking it out, even though he didn’t want to be there. She’d been unfair, ordering him to accompany her. She hadn’t seen him in a while and she’d been concerned. She’d heard from a friend that he’d been drinking alone at the restaurant and she’d guessed correctly that he was alone. She had tricked him into coming with her, but she really did want to spend time with him. “Tommy, if you want to go home, I was unfair insisting you come.”

“I’m going to try Mom. I’m interested in this scavenger hunt, it’s different and it sounds fun, and I do like the idea of spending time with you. As long as some of it is actually _with_ you.” TJ was impressed and touched that she had seen what he’d argued the day before and was willing to let him go, “I’m glad you had a chance to see it from my side though. You knew something or you wouldn’t have insisted on this trip. Am I right?”

“Guilty. Someone saw you at the restaurant, alone and…”

“Drinking, finishing the wine before heading to the bar. It was a bad day mom. It was all me, I handled myself poorly. I’m still a work in progress.”

“I don’t want to sound horrible, or like a broken record, but I hope you can take it slowly with this new friend. You won’t even tell me his name and that is cause to worry, but I don’t want to lose you to someone hurting you. We all hurt TJ, you can’t soothe that hurt the way you’ve been trying to, it won’t work.”

“I know. His name is James and he said almost as much. I have to feel the bad as much as the good, because the alternative isn’t feeling better, it’s being empty. Or worse.”

“So,” Elaine wanted to erase the haunted look from her son’s face, “What kind of things are you going to be photographing?”

“Breakfast.” TJ grinned, “and street signs and other random things. Stuff at the beach and things in weird places.”

“What kinds of things do you and James do to make this something that excites you?”

“I told you, we’ve only watched movies and talked. We watched Airplane last night while talking on the phone. He just wants me to give this week a chance, as much as I wasn’t willing to when it started; he encouraged me to relax about it.”

“TJ, what does he get out of this?” Elaine was not going to let his sensitivity stop her from being concerned; she was going to try to be delicate about it where she could.

“Someone to talk to. He’s been alone for a long time; sometimes it’s just hard to make friends. He’s as shocked as you are that he was able to open up to me. I might feel things for him that neither of us is ready for, but I’m toning it down _a lot_ momma. I want to enjoy a friendship with him while he’s still able to be in town. He might need to relocate soon depending on what happens with his family.” TJ lied, wanting her to know he knew Bucky could leave him behind, and that he’d do anything to be ok when it happened.

“So, three more questions because I’m your mother and I care. Having to leave depending on his family throws a number of red flags. First, he’s not married I hope? You said he works in a bar so that means he’s not underage? And finally, another boy who could leave you TJ?”

“No, he’s **_single_** , his family… well that is complicated. B _elieve me,_ he’s of age.  As for the last one, we’re starting out as friends, and we will remain friends. I don’t know if time will be on our side for anything more to grow from it, but I’m going to enjoy his company until it has to become a long distance friendship.”

“Ok, but that’s going to hurt.” This time when she looked at him, he saw concern, not accusation. Good, he could deal with concern.

“Yes. It is going to hurt, but not anything like people just _not loving me_ hurts. Physically being away from him is only temporary, there’s technology that will help us keep in touch. Not being loved is very final Momma.”

“I know it’s not the same, but you are always loved TJ.” She put her hand on his, squeezing tenderly.

“I know, and that is what I really need to hear, and remember when the other thing happens. I think this is right for right now, being there for each other in little ways and not getting in over my head. I almost think, when he says he doesn’t want to be a rebound, he’s protecting me more than he’s protecting himself. But enough about me. How are you holding up with the weight of the world so firmly on your shoulders?”

“I’m alright TJ. That’s why I surround myself with a good team of people, so they can share the burden.”

“You’re metaphoring me.” TJ teased.

“Not entirely, and since when is that a word?” she laughed.

“Since just now. I turned it into a verb, present tense, because it fits.” TJ enjoyed the rest of his breakfast with his mom, texting the picture of the breakfast plate to Bucky just before he took a bite. Later in the meal, he coerced his mom to take a selfie with him. She was goofy and shy about it but he told her, “Listen, people see your face every day, this one selfie to my friend where I _guarantee_ it will not go farther than him, isn’t going to be a big deal.”

She approved of the photo so much that she told him she wanted him to send it to her. “You look happy, TJ, and we both look pretty good.”


	11. Chapter 11

Bucky got the food and selfie photos and smiled. He was sitting next to Edgar on the floor, trying to interest him in the crate and the break was welcome. His patience was being tested, and he didn’t want that energy to unravel everything he’d already done with Eddie. “Look Eddie, TJ is having fun. You want to have fun too? Look at this soft blanket and these great toys. You’re gonna love being in this nice little house.” Even he couldn’t be convinced that being in a cage is something to look forward to. How on earth could he make it sound appealing to this nervous dog? To the dog, it resembled the kennel in the shelter, why would he want to go in there.

“Looks like you two are having a good time” he texted TJ. “Edgar still doesn’t like the idea of his crate. He keeps telling me he ain’t goin back to jail.”

TJ laughed as he walked ahead of his mom and her detail, reading Bucky’s text. “Sounds like you are putting words in his mouth.”

Bucky sent back, “Well that’s the look he’s giving me, I really believe he thinks it’s like the shelter. To be honest I don’t exactly relish the idea of captivity either.”

“You’re safe Bucky.” TJ replied. “He’s ok to roam my bedroom; I just ask that he be secured away from the piano, just in case.”

“You’re going to have to play for me.” Bucky sent, “I’m going to try for a while longer before I give up on this.”

“I figured you would. Just take it easy. He took forever to get into the room at all; the crate just is another challenge. He’ll be ok either way and so will you.”

Bucky smiled at TJ’s last text. He knew he was taking bigger chances with his life and his safety by involving himself with the son of the president, how much more dangerous could it be? He could be caught with him or in his neighborhood, and incarcerated. He was a wanted man because of everything he’d done under Hydra’s control. He just didn’t want to care about it right now because he hadn’t had the care, concern, and affection of another in so long. He hadn’t cared so much for someone in just as long.

His smile faded as he thought about how he’d have to leave one day, probably unannounced. TJ had told him to turn off the location feature on the phone and keep it. He could keep in touch with TJ if he was careful and he could probably hack into the device and make it even more secure. Even being able to send a text to say ‘hi’, or something equally innocuous would help him retain the feeling of being connected to someone again.

He’d have to update his escape plan, he’d have to be diligent, but he was going to enjoy every minute he was given with TJ and with Edgar. Bucky was pretty sure Edgar and TJ were going to be an item. It was good, because maybe Edgar could be the ‘someone to love’ that kept TJ straight when (and he had to say ‘when’) Bucky had to bug out again.

He frowned as he thought about it, not wanting to accept it even as he knew this time could be the hardest. If possible, it would be even harder than leaving Steve on the bank of the river. All he knew at that time was that he couldn’t deal with whatever emotions would surface if he stayed, and that as long as Steve was breathing, he should survive the injuries. He hadn't had the capacity to think or feel beyond that.

Now that his feelings were his, and he’d been through the spectrum of emotions a thousand times, he was falling in love again. Bucky’s love for Steve was so deeply rooted that it would never fade. Now there was this new feeling, this thing that TJ had awakened, and it was real in a different way. Dammit, TJ almost made Bucky feel as safe as TJ imagined he was. That could prove to be dangerous, but it was something he hadn’t felt since before he realized he was in love with Steve. He’d stopped being safe as soon as he realized what that implied.

What tore at Bucky the most was that he still couldn’t be open about his feelings, because he had to live in the shadows. This respite in TJ’s apartment, walking freely up and down the stairs in the daylight was temporary, but it was also something he needed. He could, however be open about his feelings _to_ TJ. Something he had never imagined being able to do with Steve.

“TJ, thank you. I hope my list keeps you sane while you’re there. I’m going to really enjoy seeing what you come up with.” He sent with a sad smile.

“Come on Eddie, let’s go sit on the bed for a bit and try again later.” The dog followed instantly as Bucky rose from the floor. “Of course, you’ve been listening this whole time, you just don’t want to go in. I get it pal, I really do. Which is why one day, it will be just you and TJ, and you’re gonna have to look after him, ok? You have to make him do right by you, for me.”

Eddie sat next to Bucky, laying his head on his shoulder. He breathed softly in Bucky’s ear and Bucky finally gave in to the laugh. The soft sweet breath of this poor misunderstood dog was as cleansing to the soul as anything could be. “Let’s go to the dog park Eddie. You an’ me.”

The dog followed Bucky eagerly from the bedroom into the living room and through the kitchen while Bucky gathered water and some treats. “Sure bud, you will go anywhere but your bed. What is it with me and my love for stubborn little shits anyway.”

Eddie sat at Bucky’s feet, “oh, yeah, your irresistible charm. Come on then.”

Bucky leashed the dog and set off in the direction TJ had given him to find the dog park. Dressed in one of TJ’s hoodies, he felt incognito enough to keep his posture relaxed with little to no consideration. It was the opposite of how he’d been living and he was aware that being too comfortable could only get him captured or killed, it was just so nice to do something he’d observed as normal, since he had only the faintest idea what that felt like, he thought maybe this was it.

Bucky smiled as he let the dog off the leash and he stayed close but showed interest in the dogs nearby as they approached him. Bucky pulled the ball out of the bag he’d packed with treats and water, and started to introduce it to Edgar. At the shelter, before he’d started showing signs of stress he’d loved the ball.

Bucky was pleased when Eddie finally took off after the ball. During the third run, he pulled out his phone and recorded a short video, then sent it to TJ. He also found a few pictures from TJ waiting for him.

“Call me” he saw next, followed by “when ur done @ the dog park I mean.”

Now he thought about rushing Eddie, but he didn’t. He picked up the dropped ball and tossed it a little further away. He was proud of Eddie’s progress. He was glad his theory that the stress was still in its infancy was right.

There was a scuffle between a couple of dogs a little to the right of where Bucky and Eddie were playing, Bucky called Eddie over and leashed him up. He took him to the other side of the fence and asked a young woman to keep an eye on him so he could try to help break up the fight that was escalating. She nodded, concerned, and uncertain how to help, she figured this was the safest way.

Bucky approached the two dogs carefully and looked at the man who was standing there concerned and fearful, “which one’s yours?”

“The brown one.” He said shakily.

“Bear with me, we need to do this quickly, you know a wheelbarrow, right? Grab your dog’s hind legs when I grab the white one’s legs and you steer him to your right, ok? That’s all you have to do.”

The man nodded as Bucky moved in on the increasingly agitated dogs. He swept the hind legs out from under the white dog while the other guy did the same with his own, steering the dogs away from the trouble. “Put your dog’s leash on now and walk away to check him out, get behind the fence.” Bucky said as he maneuvered the dog farther away from any other animals. He looked over the fence and asked the girl with Eddie “Do you know who owns this dog?”

She shook her head and the guy with the brown mutt looked up and pointed at the parking lot located at the opposite end of the dog park. With an internal ‘shit’, Bucky looked where the man pointed, “Do either of you have an extra leash?”

The girl nodded, “I have Bailey’s leash, I don’t have an extra, but it should get you across the park.”

Bucky was kneeling next to the white mixed breed dog, looking for injuries. “Can you bring it close, stay behind the fence, just drop it over. I have a few things in my bag there, not much in the way of a first aid kit but a few things, if you could drop the bag there too."

She pulled her doggy first aid kit out of her bag and added it to the things Bucky asked for. “Is your dog ok sir?” he asked.

The man was still shaking but he was finally able to do an assessment, “He’s got a few wounds, don’t look too deep from what I can tell.”

“They couldn’t get a grip on each other, it looks like, luckily.” Bucky said, while pulling the still agitated dog along to the fence by the collar, he took a few things from the first aid kit and the leash, he set the stuff he didn’t use back over the fence, asking the young woman “Can you help him with his dog? How’s Eddie? I’m sorry, is Bailey alone?”

She knelt to help the man with his dog, “Bailey’s with my husband across the way, Eddie is bored it looks like. How is that one? Should I go tell his owner he’s over here?”

“He looks ok, a few wounds, like that guy there. I’ll do it if you can watch Eddie a little longer? He’s got some snacks if you’d like to reward him. You’re going to want to keep an eye on those wounds, don’t want to let them get infected.” Bucky told them in quick bursts.

Bucky soothed the white dog as he continued to check and treat his cuts. The dog was calming down through his actions. He walked the white dog to the parking lot, squaring his shoulders when the man got out of his truck and started yelling immediately. Playing down what was happening because he wasn’t spoiling for a fight like this guy seemed to want, “I was just bringing your dog to you, sir. He was in a fight with another dog. He looks like he didn’t get too many wounds, the other dog’s owner says his dog looks about the same.” Bucky tried to keep it calm, “Don’t know which dog started it, it was probably just play got out of hand.”

The last thing he needed was this man getting him riled up, he just wanted to get back to Eddie.

The man took the dog’s leash a little more roughly than he should have.

“Sir, if you can, the leash belongs to that young woman over there, if you have one handy maybe could we switch ‘em out.” Man this cowering attitude was hard to swallow, but he didn’t need to get clocked by this guy and he didn’t need to let it escalate either, most of all, he really didn’t need cops coming around and if there was a fight between the two of _them_ there would definitely be cops.

“Fine.” The man grumbled stalking toward his truck. Bucky saw the man’s shoulders fall, he knew then this was all bravado and the man was just scared. He knew he’d left his dog unattended and the situation nearly became worst-case scenario.

“Listen, you have a beautiful dog. These things happen.” Bucky said conversationally. “You might want to exchange information, I doubt it was either dog’s fault, but if he gets sick or infected you might want to let the other guy know.”

“Yeah, I guess. Man, this doesn’t happen, you know? He’s a good dog. I just made a fucking mistake.”

“Yeah, it happens. Shouldn’t drop your guard at a place like this though. Even good dogs have fearful moments and those can be misread by the other dogs.” Bucky took the leash back from the man and folded it in half. “Walk back with me? He should be ok in the truck, it’s cool out, and you’re in shade.”

The man walked back with Bucky and he left him to talk to the other guy. He handed the young lady Bailey’s leash, “Thank you for keeping an eye on Eddie. I think we’ve had enough for today.” He smiled a weak smile at her.

“You’re welcome, I’m glad I could help somehow.”

“You were a huge help, I couldn’t leave him unattended, but someone needed to get in there before it got ugly. I couldn’t drag him over there either, so you really did help a lot.” He waved over his shoulder as he and Eddie left and took the long way back to TJ’s apartment.

The long walk did both of them good, Bucky’s hand had started to shake and he was feeling drained from the adrenaline crash. He walked and talked nonsense to Eddie who perked up almost as soon as they were clear of the fence of the dog park. Finally, Bucky remembered TJ had asked him to call. He considered whether he should call while walking or wait. He decided to continue spending the walk talking at Eddie who would look up at him with his puppy eyes, eliciting a soft smile from Bucky every time.

Once inside the apartment, Bucky put the leash away, set the bag on the stool by the island, and followed Eddie into the bedroom. Bucky looked at the crate and rolled his eyes. That wasn’t happening. He laid back on the bed with his legs dangling over the end, and Eddie jumped up next to him and laid his head on Bucky’s chest.

Idly, Bucky scratched the dog’s neck and finally pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Lee. “Hey, Lee? You know anyone who can cover my shift?”

“You’re just having too much fun with that dog. Or is it TJ?”

“Funny. I’m missing too much work, but today just went to shit.”

“Honey, you haven’t taken a day off in ages, you need extra time off, I need extra hours.”

“You? It’s your day off lady.”

“I ain’t no lady. No, I’d be happy to do it Buck. You want a share of my tips? What happened anyway?”

He laughed softly, “No sweetheart, I don’t want to do that to you. I just had to break up a dogfight – not Eddie and no, the dogs involved are all ok. It was just a lot more than I signed up for today.”

“You deserve a little extra TLC, you just take tonight and love on that pup. You’re really gonna have to bring him by.”

“Jesus, I really hate all the work I’ve missed. You’re a life saver.”

“You can make it up to me in the future and take one of my Saturday closers.” She laughed.

He groaned, “Well ok then. If that’s the price I have to pay. Thanks Lee. Maybe we will come see you in a day or so. You on tomorrow? I guess I’ll see you then.”

“Yeah, see ya tomorrow Buck.”

He looked cross-eyed at the sleeping dog on his chest before he called TJ, “Eddie, you’ll like Lee.” He said while he waited for TJ to pick up.

“Hey, sorry I took so long, you’re not busy are you?” he asked after TJ’s “hey”

“No, I’m lazily enjoying the sun at the beach, as prescribed. Are you ok?”

“Don’t I sound ok?”

“No, frankly, you sound pretty drained.”

“I guess I’m no actor.” Bucky said lazily, “there was just drama at the dog park.”

“Shit, is Eddie ok? Are you?”

“We’re both fine. A couple of dogs got into a scrape. One guy wasn’t close enough to step in, even seemed like he didn’t give a shit. I almost thought I was going to end up in a fight with him he came across pretty aggressive.” Bucky explained in detail what happened and TJ listened.

“I wish I could be there.” TJ sighed.

“Me too TJ.” Bucky said quietly. “I got Lee to cover again. I haven’t missed this much work…”

“Well you are entitled to days off, I get the feeling you don’t take many of those. How many times have you worked a shift you weren’t scheduled for?”

“Often.” Was all he said.

“I could say you’re working for me, after all, Eddie’s about to be a permanent resident and you are caring for him.” TJ said craftily, “I could be paying you to dog sit.”

“He’s not formally yours; I’m temporarily fostering him so your argument is invalid.”

“No it’s not, it’s just a formality and you could be also receiving a retainer for locating my pet for me and ensuring his happiness and wellbeing until the handover is complete.”

“Wow, you grow up in the royalty of America you can pretty much spin anything to pull the wool over someone’s eyes, but you forget TJ, I’m from Brooklyn, we ain’t pushovers.”

“If I know anything, it’s spin.” TJ laughed. “I’m imagining you might be smiling just a little?”

“Yeah. You’ve succeeded.” Bucky allowed a low chuckle to escape. “So, I enjoyed the pictures. Since I don’t have to go in to work, maybe I’ll treat you to a DC sunset picture with me and Eddie tonight.”

“I didn’t know this was a two way game, but I like it. Especially if you’re both _in the picture_.”

“You’re so easy to please.” Bucky laughed.

“Next time I come to California, I want you to be there too. We could take a road trip across country.” TJ smiled at the idea of the three of them traveling the country.

“That would be nice, that’s a goal we should work on.”

They both knew it was unlikely, but it was a pleasant thing that maybe they could imagine together.

“Ok, so you and me; on the road to Disneyland, and the beach, Hollywood, and the entire pacific coast highway.” TJ smiled. “We will have to draw up our itinerary.”

Bucky laughed at TJ’s enthusiasm, “Yeah, including all stops between DC & LA.”

“I won’t get to send you a beach sunset picture tonight, tonight’s a dinner with my mom. I’m almost looking forward to it, but not quite. I’ll send you a picture of me all decked out.”

“Almost as good as the sunset. Tomorrow for the sunset picture then?” Bucky asked.

“I’ll have you know I have set my alarm to wake me at an ungodly hour tomorrow, even after tonight’s event, at which I won’t have a single drink. I plan to respond to my alarm positively and get my ass out to a place where I hear good sunrise pictures can be taken.”

“I love it.” Bucky smiled and Eddie groaned on his chest in his sleep.

“I also plan to find some crazy shit to fulfill your list even further and then, yes, sunset photo tomorrow night.” TJ promised.

“As long as “crazy shit” doesn’t equal putting yourself in harm’s way, I’m all for it.” Bucky said, his voice quiet.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” TJ couldn’t tell if Bucky was just extra mellow or if he was upset.

“I’m sure, Eddie’s sleeping on my chest and I kind of don’t want to wake him. It’s nice.” Bucky admitted, “he sleeps deeply and his head is heavy. It’s oddly reassuring.”

“It’s a good thing your chest is so well crafted, I’m not giving my spot on it up though.” TJ teased. “Take a picture.”

“You’re demanding.” Bucky complained as he picked the phone up from the bed and flipped to the camera, shooting a quick picture and sending it to TJ.

“I guess I can be. I’m just jealous, that’s all. Some dog I can’t stop thinking about but have never met is taking my spot.”

“Never, your spot is reserved. He’ll be happy to meet you. He did well at the dog park, with people and dogs. He came right into the bedroom and made himself at home on your bed. So you have yourself to thank for that. Still no on the crate. I’m tired of trying and I know I should keep going at it.”

“Tomorrow’s another day, if you are sure he needs to go into the crate.”

“It’s best if he learn that he can use the space as his safe haven and he will need to be able to go in and out willingly if you plan to travel with him.”

“Ok, so we continue to work with him. It’s not so urgent that you need to worry. Try again tomorrow, and the next day, keep going until he’s curious about it I guess.” TJ suggested.

“How’s the beach?” Bucky smiled, “Getting any action?”

“Yeah, surrounded by beauties left and right. Can’t you hear the orgy?” TJ quipped. “It’s nice to have this peace, but it would be really fun with someone else. We are planning that road trip when I get back.”

“Ok and in the meantime we can hit a beach closer to home on a warm day.” Bucky didn’t know how well future planning was going to work for them but didn’t want to shoot TJ down in his excitement. “You and me with Eddie on the beach after a three hour drive, tests the waters of a road trip and has more instant gratification than a cross country.”

TJ was immediately eager for this idea, “You’d have to have another day or two off work.” He warned, unable to contain the excitement.

“It would have to be two, and we would have to stay over, although I’m sure you have connections to get something dog friendly, right?” Bucky teased.

“You know it. Start looking at the calendar; we’ll work around the weather as long as it’s not severe. We can take my car,”

“TJ slow down.” Bucky laughed, “You’re one day into a trip already and by the time you get home you’ll be glad to have some down-time. Of course we’ll plan this and the cross country trip, but I want to plan them with you, here.”

“You’re right; I get too excited too quickly. It’s hard to resolve things that way.” TJ opened up, “It’s one of the reasons I would self-medicate; I couldn’t resolve anything, and then I would start having negative feelings about myself.”

“Excitement is good; it’s the residual energy you have to channel. We’re going to do those meditation exercises when you get home. Every morning.” Bucky responded, “I love your excitement. Save some for when you get home, huh?”

“Yeah, you’re going to regret that.” TJ teased, “I need to get back to the hotel to play dress-up. Wish me luck, it’s all ‘TJ you don’t belong at that bar or nightclub you’re an addict – come with me to this champagne filled event where at least 30% of the people there have prescription drugs or worse that they’re more than willing to pass on.’ Until I screw up again and surprise! It wasn’t at the dive I don’t belong in.”

“Well, you’re not going to screw up, because you will be calling me instead. Every time you’re tempted to do something you know you’ll regret, call me. Text me. Eddie and I are here for you.” Bucky eased out from under Eddie’s head and sat up. “Do that for yourself TJ, reach out if you need it.”

“I will. Thanks Bucky, I will, I promise.” TJ let the warmth of Bucky’s obvious concern envelop him, “Thanks for being there.”

“I’m glad I can be, and TJ? Don’t stick the week out because I said to try, do it because you want to, OK? I really don’t want you doing things for me any more than for anyone else. Do them for you, make yourself happy. I’ll gladly keep sending you encouragement and ideas to pass the time, but the only commitment I want from you is that you’re making yourself happy.”

“You got it. It’s working so far – hey I haven’t shown you the car I rented yet. Hang on.” TJ loaded his bag into the convertible and then asked a young woman nearby to take his picture.

Bucky sat on hold waiting, he thought about how much he meant what he said at the same time he just wanted to ask TJ to come home. When he got the picture, TJ in front of a blue convertible at the beach, he was glad he kept his own wishes quiet. TJ looked happy, and pretty sexy, in front of the sports car. If he hadn’t encouraged TJ to stay, TJ wouldn’t have had the experiences of the day.

“What did you think?” TJ asked.

“I thought how glad I was I didn’t talk you into coming home. You look amazing TJ, happy and so sexy.”

“Bucky, you’ve never said anything like that to me before.”

“You asked what I thought. I’m just being honest. Nice wheels too, is it fun to drive?” Bucky asked, trying to divert the topic.

“It’s a blast. Speaking of which, I’m about to head out, I’ll hang up now but talk to you later. Either at the shindig or after, I’ll call. You might want to nap, it could be late.”

“I look forward to the call. Have fun if you can. Meet some cute guy and get busy.” Bucky teased.

“You are stupid.” TJ said, laughing. “Won’t that make you jealous?”

“It would, but that’s my problem, not yours TJ. So far you and I are just friends because I asked you for that. There’s no reason for my jealousy to keep you from enjoying yourself”

TJ thought for a minute, not liking having Bucky’s blessing to fool around, but understanding his reasoning. “You’re thinking maybe it could help resolve that rebound thing.” He said hoping that at some point Bucky would say he didn’t like the idea after all.

“Whatever you do, I don’t want to hear about the details. I just don’t want you to be lonely.” Bucky said quietly.

“Bucky. I’m not going to fool around while I’m here. Knowing it makes you have jealous feelings is bad enough. I really like you, and I don’t think any more than you do that my fooling around will change things regarding the rebound stigma you’re worried about. We’re both lonesome.”

“TJ…”

“Bucky, I’ve said it already; it’s not going to happen. I want you to understand, I wouldn’t do something that hurts you, even to prove something to either of us.”

“TJ, drive safely, send me a picture of you all dressed up and forget I said anything. I’m just projecting.” Bucky finally said, “I want you happy while you’re 2700 miles away.”

“I’ll do my best, happy is subjective. I’ll do what I can around a bunch of politicians. God, it should be Dougie here and not me. I’m hanging up now. Consider yourself kissed.”

Bucky smiled, if only it were that easy. He crawled into TJ’s spot on the bed and flipped on the television. Eddie stood up, circled two times then two more before lying down against Bucky’s hip and the pillow at the headboard. They both sighed for different reasons.


	12. Chapter 12

TJ met his mother at the same point in the lobby he’d met her for breakfast. She was alone except for her security detail, and he’d already let them know he was on the elevator so he didn’t have any trouble entering the secure circle and hugging his mother, “You look fantastic Momma.” He smiled as he pulled away from their mutual hug.

“Thank you TJ,” she held him at arm’s length, “You got some sun today, and you look wonderful TJ.”

“Yes, I spent several hours in different locations on the beach. It was very relaxing.” He smiled and blushed, “thanks.”

 

“So which event is this one? Politicians only? or politicians and celebrities?” TJ asked as they were seated in the limo. “I probably should have asked this morning so I could dress appropriately.”

“You’re dressed just fine TJ.” Elaine smiled as reassured her son, taking in his formal attire, “Yes, there will be celebrities there. Stay close and you’ll be introduced to some, if you go off on your own you’ll have to find your own introductions.”

“You’re taunting me.” TJ feigned a pout.

“I’m teasing a little.” She admitted. “I’m going to do my best tonight Tommy. I want to spend time with you, you know how these things get, please be patient with me.”

“I’m going to try. Tell you what, I’ll leave my phone alone when you’re with me, when you’re not I’m going to be checking in at home.”

“I’m going to want to meet this James sometime, TJ. You’re behaving like a teenager, and I almost approve, as long as you don’t repeat some of the things you did then.”

“I’m actually trying to be more mature than that, but I do miss him. I know it’s been just days that I’ve known him but he’s funny and supportive and kind. He’s fostering a dog for a couple of days, Eddie, I might meet the dog and adopt him.” TJ said excitedly.

“You’re considering a dog? How long has this been a thing?”

“I’ve thought about it off and on, Jacob and I considered it a few months ago, he was going to buy some purebred puppy. I’ve learned more about rescue and shelter dogs from James. He volunteers at the shelter when he can. Eddie was having a hard time at the shelter so he got him out for a quick escape. Would you like to see him?”

TJ being responsible for someone other than himself might sound irresponsible, but maybe it was the opposite, Elaine smiled at the eager excitement on her son’s face, “I’d love to see him.”

TJ pulled out his phone and opened the album he already had for Eddie, Bucky free shots only, just for this occasion. He showed her the first picture he’d ever seen, and though it was taken in his apartment, it wasn’t identifiable as such, just a dog sitting. When she gave the look people give when seeing puppies, he triumphantly scrolled to the dog park video, watching her for signs of rebuke or (hopefully) support. She laughed at the dog's skid to a stop in front of James that ended the video. “He’s a handsome dog TJ.”

“And a load of responsibility, I know. I really do hope he likes me though, so that we can maybe rescue each other.”

“I have no doubts he’ll like you. I want to pay for his adoption and setting him up, if you decide to proceed. I missed your birthday like a horrible person, so you’ll let me do that to make it up to you?”

“I will. Thought you forgot. Did you forget Dougie too?” if she didn’t at least lie, he’d be hurt. You can’t remember one twin’s birthday and forget the other.

“I did. I called him today, in fact.” She admitted sheepishly. “I’ve been so busy and then this week got more complicated. It’s really the worst excuse ever.”

“We’re not kids, Mom. It’s not as devastating when you’re an adult.” TJ offered. “It’s just that this year was really shitty, with Jacob leaving me on the same day. I might have been excessively emotional.”

“That’s allowed, you two had something to look forward to, and of course it would affect your emotions. I’m so sorry TJ.”

“Me too. I still miss him, even if I do have something with James to distract me. It’s so complicated, is it supposed to be complicated?”

“You are asking the wrong person,” Elaine laughed almost nervously, “Look at the roller coaster I’ve been on with your father.”

“Right. Complicated.” TJ nodded as the car came to its final stop. “and here we go.” He breathed deeply, “Show time.”

She squeezed his fingers, “Stick with me kid.”

The ushered trip from the car to the entrance was old hat, as familiar as waking up. TJ stuck close to his mom and matched her brisk pace, the pair wore matching smiles. Once inside, the roar of the outside crowd was muffled and then muted entirely as they entered the marble hallway and the large double doors closed behind them. TJ looked up at the impossibly high ceiling and twinkling chandeliers that lined the long hall. He took out his phone and snapped a couple of pictures then slipped it back into his inside breast pocket.

Their footsteps, as well as those of their security detail behind them echoed through the hall and the sound was met by music at the end, where those double doors were open to a banquet and ballroom. Tables skirted with black and topped in white square cloths sported elaborate centerpieces of exotic flowers providing added color to the room. TJ saw the people look at them as they were announced. His game face didn’t allow for blushing, but he imagined he might be out of practice with using said game face.

He felt his mother’s hand on the small of his back as they were escorted to their table in a place of honor in the room. TJ felt he should probably be about seven tables away, near the second set of doors, not highly displayed to the room, but he was with the president. He was the president’s escort? How did he manage that? Oh right, Dougie wasn’t available.

Elaine was immediately engaged in conversation, so he waited to speak to her. When she turned her attention to him, it was to introduce him to the Sultan of – TJ missed it but smiled endearingly and offered an appropriate greeting. TJ fidgeted his fingers under the table, anxious to pull his phone out or distract his mom, or call for a drink. He closed his eyes against the thought. When he opened them, he saw a server at his side ready to pour. TJ looked up at him, a very cute blonde, probably an actor. “Water will be fine, could you take this?” he asked, indicating the champagne flute.

“Certainly, sir.” The soft, deep voice agreed. Well, if he were interested, he would be flirting all over this guy, but he just thought of Bucky’s absurd permission and shook his head.

He was clearly being tested, he’d no sooner controlled the urge to order a drink, and an Adonis appeared at his side bearing that exact temptation as well as others. TJ took his water goblet in hand and absently caressed the stem with his thumb before drinking. He caught his mother’s eye and smiled setting the glassware down quietly. She smiled back before turning her attention back to the conversation she was immersed in.

TJ was on autopilot through most of the meal, propriety, table manners, conversation cues, he hit all the high points. He took advantage of most of the table’s preoccupation with the latest political discussion to send the marble and crystal photos to Bucky with a short note, “help!”

He got a quick reply, “real or dramatic?”

“Yeah” he typed. “nah, just bored. Stuck at the table.”

“Excuse yourself, call me for a few, unless you’re tied to your chair?”

“Hah.” TJ sent back. He excused himself and found the glass doors to the terrace, took out a cigarette and lit it while the phone connected.

“Hey” Bucky said enthusiastically through the speaker.

“Hey,” TJ said around the cigarette before removing it and setting the phone on the low, wide wall, “Hi.”

“Holding up ok?” Bucky asked carefully.

“Yeah, I’m ok, I’m just bored as hell. “Stick with me kid” she says. I’m younger than half the room, the other half I don’t suppose I’m supposed to talk to unless I’ve been introduced, but I don’t know because I’m stuck at the table listening to politics. Supposedly there are celebrities here, going to be introduced I guess. Hell, it’s been so long since I’ve been to something like this. I don’t enjoy it one bit.”

“I can understand, it must be suffocating” Bucky commiserated.

“Jesus, I’m sorry I just rambled on complaining. How are you tonight? Rested from the afternoon drama?”

“I’m fine TJ. I’m here for you to complain to, that’s why I told you to call me.”

“I love my mother Bucky, but she has her priorities in a completely different place than mine are. I mean she’s president so they should be, but when it comes to spending time with her kids? Don’t you think she could prioritize that differently? She didn’t just forget _my_ birthday, which at least helps my morale a little, but she forgot both me and Dougie.”

“I forget shit all the time, I can’t sympathize with you on that one too much TJ.”

“You’ve got a reason, she’s got people to remind her of stuff Bucky! You’re allowed, sure, she’s allowed as a human being, but she should fire whichever dipshit didn’t point to her calendar and say “oh by the way, today’s the day you gave birth to your two sons, you know the ones you call when you need a date and can’t get one?””

TJ blew a harsh burst of smoke at Bucky’s gleeful laugh, “You are fucked up Bucky, if you think that’s funny.”

“Guilty as charged. It is, you know. It’s funny because you’re right, she does have someone whose job it is to do things and remind her of things. It’s not her fault, so you can’t stay mad.”

“Oh fuck you.” TJ said, but he was smiling, fighting laughter himself.

“You have a vivid imagination.” Bucky retorted.

“Wishful thinking.” TJ sighed, crushing his cigarette on the railing and brushing the ashes into the night breeze. “I want to come home.”

“You’re certain?” Bucky asked carefully, “You haven’t even gotten to the afternoon she promised she had free.”

“I know. I’d rather make an appointment with her when she’s at home and only has half as many priorities to juggle. She doesn’t need me here; it was because she heard about Jacob. I told you that right?”

“I think you did, I’m sorry TJ.” Bucky sighed and stifled a laugh when Eddie sighed too. “You decide. I can always pick you up at the airport, if you want I can bring Eddie if I take your car.”

“I can’t stand the thought of a week of this. I’d be happy just to carry on by myself and do the photo scavenger hunt thing. If I’m here, I’m at least expected to make a show of things. Fuck it. I’m looking at flights now. I’m glad I tried but I’m just not into it.” TJ paused to take a picture of the sunset, “Hey I got sunset for you.”

Bucky waited for the picture to come through, smiling at the colors and the palm trees. “It’s very pretty, did you get ours?”

“I don’t think I saw it. I’ll check. I can get a flight first thing in the morning, getting me there by five, or I can hurry to the airport and fly out tonight and get there around six thirty in the morning, I want to be there by morning.”

“You’re sure? You’re not rushing this plan are you?”

“I don’t want to be flying all day when I could sleep through it tonight.”

“You’re not rushing things are you TJ?”

“Maybe a little.” TJ admitted. “But I’m going to do it whether it’s tonight or in the morning, so, do you still want to pick me up?”

“I’ll be there. Six thirty, huh?”

“Hang on, let me book it and I’ll tell you for sure.” TJ’s fingers flew through the steps on the app. “Ok, yeah, I’m sending you my flight info, six twenty. You can be there at six forty. Bring Eddie because you’ll need the car anyway for my suitcases. Pull into the passenger pickup area; I should be out by then, unless you see the flight was delayed. Check the flight status on your phone.”

“I know how phones work TJ. Calm down, you’re getting excited, and you still have to tell your mother and leave the place without making a scene.” Bucky let the laugh out.

“I know. Fine.” TJ replied curtly, “Sorry, frustrated, anxious.”

“Unable to communicate in sentences. Slow down, TJ. What is your next step?”

“Walk inside and get my mom to step aside for a minute while I tell her what I’m doing and ask her if I can use the driver and send him back for her.”

“Sounds good. Can you do those things yet?”

“Yes.” TJ breathed and squared his shoulders, “Yes I can.”

“No rush, take another breath.” Bucky listened while TJ complied. “OK Go.”

“I’ll see you soon.” TJ said before adding “I’ll text you from the airport, I’ll call if I get a good enough signal.”

“You’re sure about this TJ?”

“Yes.” TJ smiled, “I am certain. I can’t do a week of this.”

TJ ended the call, hopefully with Bucky’s concern alleviated, and headed back inside. People were milling around now, making finding his mother more challenging but only slightly so. He saw her turn away from a group and he stepped up to her, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going home. It’s too much, I almost let the server give me champagne, I’m nervous hanging out around here and the days are so long. The scavenger hunt isn’t even filling enough time.”

“You’re ok?” she settled her hand on his arm, “Is it James? Jacob?”

“Mom, it’s me. I’m not the person who should escort you to these things. I’m not comfortable around all of this. Even though it’s familiar, it’s not _me_. I can talk to James long distance over the phone or in person, so no, that’s not it. You saw me at the table, I scarcely talked to anyone, and when I did it was _never_ interesting conversation to me like it was to you or would be to Dougie.” TJ looked into her eyes, “Mom, yes, I miss being in the same room with James, but no, that’s not all of it. I miss being around anyone who wants to relate to me and can do so for more than five minutes at a time. You’re important, with vital things to say to key people so I get it. Get through with this, then when you’re home, schedule some time so I can visit with you properly.”

“Do you need anything from me?” She asked, he saw the sadness in her eyes so he smiled to try to reassure her.

“I was going to ask to use the car to get to the hotel and the airport, and then send it back to you. I have a red-eye heading back so I’ll be home first thing in the morning.”

“Of course, I’m sorry this was ill-conceived from the beginning. I just worry about you.” Elaine apologized sincerely.

“I know, and ninety percent of the time I appreciate it. It was worth a try on both our ends. I did agree to come, although that could be considered ill-conceived as well.”

“You go, I’m sure you have packing to do. I’ll see you when I get home, you’ll have to come over for brunch.”

“You can invite Nana and Dougie and Anne.” TJ added, watching her smile. “Unless you want to just sit with me.”

“I’d enjoy either, so you let me know.” Elaine said hugging her son, “You also let me know when you’re home safely. Send me a picture of you and your dog, I still want to pay his costs.”

TJ smiled as she ruffled his hair then straightened his lapel. “I love you Momma.”

“I love you too TJ. Be safe.” TJ waved over his shoulder at her as he rushed through the ballroom, and once more before he entered the hallway.

He was surprised she was so supportive; then again, she _had_ said she’d reconsidered and all he had to do was let her know. TJ shrugged as he sat in the back of the limo headed for the hotel. He decided to let his mom’s team of people take most of his things back on Air Force One with her things and just take a carry on. He sent her a quick text letting her know as he packed his one bag. He didn’t expect her even to look at her phone for several hours, so he focused on getting packed to head to the airport.

In the car, TJ considered calling Bucky but he didn’t want another interrupted call, so he opted to wait until he was at the airport and through security. He would miss sunrise, but he could take a few shots of the skyline along the drive. TJ looked through the images on his phone as the car zipped along the highway. Pleased with a couple; he decided to send them off to Bucky without notes.

…

Bucky wasn’t awake for the images TJ sent from the highway, but he saw them when the phone ringing more than an hour later woke him. He answered the phone and scrolled through the images at the same time, sitting up against the headboard, still on TJ’s side of TJ’s bed.

“Hey, what’s up? Did you get to the airport ok?”

“Yeah, I woke you didn’t I?” TJ’s voice dropped in disappointment.

“I hoped you would.” Bucky answered, “These pictures are great.”

“I’m sorry I won’t get a California sunrise for you.”

“TJ, we’ll take a picture of the sunrise together in a day or two, how about that? I just wanted to give you some alternatives to help you stay on the right path. I’m not disappointed, so I don’t want you to be.”

“I guess I’m tired and frustrated. I didn’t want to come, I didn’t want to stay, and then I wanted to get through it, like some kind of challenge or something.”

“TJ, stop it right there. You have enough challenges with what’s been going on for you recently, you don’t owe anyone any further attempts. Not me, not your mother. You owe yourself the right to stay sober, any way you are able to do it.”

“I know. Like I said, tired.” TJ yawned. “I’m going to crash as soon as we’re in the air.”

“Ya probably shouldn’t say crash in reference to air travel sweetheart.” Bucky teased.

“Probably not,” TJ laughed tiredly. “You get what I’m saying though smart ass.”

Bucky smiled, “I do. I hope you do get some sleep TJ.”

“I will, hey, it looks like we’re boarding, I’m closer to sleep than ever.” TJ said.

“Ok, so one step closer to home. See you in the morning.”

“You called me sweetheart.” TJ said, sounding shocked, “a few minutes ago.”

“Yeah, I guess I did, and I’m not taking it back. See you soon.”

…

TJ boarded and settled into his seat, he waited through the announcements and as soon as he was able, he put his seat back just enough and tucked the travel pillow in the curve off his neck. His ginger ale came and he sipped on it for a bit before lying back and closing his eyes.

TJ was actually shocked when he was gently awakened by the very attractive flight attendant who asked if he could take his drink, and would he please put his seat up and return the tray table to its locked position. “Thank you, I said I’d sleep but it was unexpected I’d sleep the whole way.” TJ blinked and complied with his requests.

The young man smiled and took TJ’s drink, “I’m glad you were comfortable, sir.”

TJ yawned behind the crook of his arm, then smiled and thanked him. Soon they were descending and TJ’s eagerness to see Bucky and to meet Eddie was renewed. He fidgeted as the plane taxied. He tried to control his breathing to calm down, ‘Jesus TJ you’ve been away two days.’ He scolded himself in his thoughts. He looked at his watch, 6:33. Flight was 13 minutes late and he’d told Bucky to be there at 6:40. “Just breathe.” He told himself quietly. “You’re not late, He knows to check the flight status, and you’re not going to get reprimanded, just cool your heels Teej.”

He forced himself not to rush off the plane, not to hurry too fast through the airport and to slow down enough to watch for traffic, both foot and automobile. He saw his car and smiled, finally allowing himself a little speed. When he reached the car, Bucky was standing beside it and he threw himself into Bucky’s arms.

“Welcome home TJ.” Bucky laughed, hugging TJ tightly. TJ jumped back at the fierce bark that came through the partially cracked window, and Bucky kept chuckling, “Eddie, this is our TJ. Settle down.” Bucky tossed TJ’s bag into the trunk then had TJ step back, “stay calm, he’ll be fine with all four feet on the ground.”

TJ watched Bucky slip an arm into the partially opened door and unhook the harness from the seatbelt. He pulled a leash out and then opened the door. “Eddie, this is TJ.” Bucky said softly, as he walked the dog near TJ and let him sniff. TJ put his hand out, palm down and let Eddie sniff his hand as well. “Tell him to sit.”

“Eddie, sit.” The dog plopped his rear in front of TJ and waited expectantly. Bucky handed TJ a small handful of dried chicken, and TJ rewarded Eddie with some.

“Great.” Bucky crooned. “Go ahead, give him some love.”

TJ petted the soft ear of the dog before running his hand along his neck. He crouched in front of Eddie, and Eddie rewarded him with a kiss. TJ laughed and ran both hands over the dog’s sides before standing up again. Bucky walked closer to TJ, standing right up against him without Eddie reacting. He put his arms around TJ with still no reaction from the dog. “You should be safe to resume hugging me.” He whispered in TJ’s ear, “Then we need to go because we’re going to get into trouble – that’s a no parking zone.”

TJ hugged Bucky again, pressing his forehead into the crook of Bucky’s neck for a moment. When they were able to pull away, TJ assumed he’d just startled Eddie and all was forgiven.

In the car, TJ put his hand on Bucky’s as it rested on the gearshift. “I’m so glad to be home, oh my god Eddie’s amazing, and he doesn’t hate me.” TJ gushed.

“Of course he doesn’t hate you, you were just attacking his pal, you know? I mean if you look at it from a dog’s eye view.”

“I get it. I can imagine an even less eager welcome if I’d decided to surprise you and come home unannounced.”

“You could have spooked both of us and that could have been worse than you might imagine. Don’t ever surprise me TJ, not like that. It would kill me if I hurt you.” Bucky turned his hand over and linked fingers with TJ, “Promise me.”

“I promise.” TJ looked slightly pale, “I’m in over my head with you, aren’t I?”

Bucky chuckled, “I’ve had the same thought.”

“About me?”

“Yes, I could get caught so easily hanging around you, and I’ve let my guard down, so I could endanger both of us. I’m going to do better, because I want more, I want to be able to see you, and I want you safe. That’s more important to me than my own safety, you’re fragile, TJ.”

“I’m a mess, I know, but…”

“No, TJ, you’re easily breakable, physically. You’re fragile, so I have to be careful you don’t get caught in the middle of something.”

“We’re not going to be having the ‘you could leave me soon’ talk yet are we?”

“Maybe we should, just so the details are out of the way. You’ve thought about this?” Bucky looked at TJ for just an extra moment before returning his eyes to the road.

“I know one day you might have to bug out.” TJ said, looking out the passenger window. “I want to help you when the time comes.”

“You can. I have a box in my apartment, a bunch of notebooks that are _very important_ to me. I want you to keep them safe. One of the days when you come over, I’d like you to take them with you so you don’t have to worry about it after…”

“I want to help in other ways too, but of course I’ll keep your things safe. I got a prepaid credit card while I was in California. It’s loaded and I have the number so I can reload it, it’s not tied to anyone, it’s like a gift card, so you can use it safely.”

“TJ, you don’t have to do that.” Bucky’s voice strained to come out around the lump in his throat.

“I know that, but I wanted to. I was looking for something and saw it. I thought it would be good in an emergency. If you’re gone, and I can’t physically know you’re safe, I can imagine you at least warm or fed for one extra day.”

“I don’t want you thinking about that.”

“Contingency plan. That’s all Bucky.” TJ’s eyes were flooded as he continued to look out the window, “Just in case.”

“It’s not going to happen; we’re going to be fine.” Bucky wanted to console TJ, making promises as though saying it would make it true.

“Bucky, people lie to me all the time, don’t be one of them. Let’s keep this straight, you’ll have to run one day, I don’t want that, you don’t either. I’m afraid I might make things worse for you, like you said, so you’ll have to leave sooner than if our paths had never crossed.”

“You’re right.” Bucky’s gaze remained on the road, “of course.”

“I’m trying to figure out how to get my mom involved in helping you, not now, down the road. I won’t bring you up to her yet and when I do, it won’t be connected to us. She’s a powerful woman; she can pardon you and pull strings worldwide, if she just would.” TJ rested his forehead on the window as Bucky turned into the drive to TJ’s apartment.

“Let’s go inside, we can iron out the absolute details, and then we won’t talk about it again.” Bucky said quietly.

TJ took the leash and hooked it back onto Eddie’s harness while Bucky grabbed TJ’s bag, “You had more stuff didn’t you?”

“Yeah, left it for Mom to bring back. Her crew will make sure it’s all packed neatly. I can pick it up when I have brunch with her, whatever day that ends up being. I just wanted to get home and not wait at baggage claim.” TJ answered as they made their way through the back entrance. Eddie led the way, happily at home in TJ’s building.

Inside the apartment, TJ folded himself up on the sofa and Bucky sat next to him, turned to face him with one leg up on the cushion, his knee touching TJ’s thigh. “So, details. I don’t know when or where I’ll be if I have to bug out, so I want the box of notebooks secure soon. Anything else, you can go to the apartment and pack up if you feel up to it. It’s not a requirement, especially if it’s too hard or too dangerous.”

“I have the card for you,” TJ took his wallet out and found the card, “you should have it right away, just so you have it in place. Don’t leave your phone behind; take it even if you only keep it for emergencies. Can you hack it and make it even more secure?”

“I think I can, yeah. Won’t someone ask you about your phone bill?” Eddie curled up on the floor between their feet and Bucky couldn’t resist a half smile even though the subject didn’t warrant it.

“I doubt it. I’m clean and Mom’s not eligible to run again so there won’t be any looking into every record on the planet tied to her. I’m not suspected of doing anything illegal, even the press is bored with me, clean for so long and thanks to you my slipup went under the radar.”

“TJ, please don’t endanger yourself for me any more than just being around me will.”

“I’m not, Bucky. It’s my own money.” TJ ran his hand along Bucky’s calf. “Thanks to some shrewd business moves by my brother during some of my darker hours, I bring in more than enough from my salary working as entertainment manager of the Dome. I’ve sold a few songs and I’m not living above my income while I figure out what the hell it is I really want to do.”

Bucky took TJ’s hand and squeezed, “I think we have the details straight, you know if I go, I’ll find a way to come back, right? I don’t want to make this hard on you. You know, I was hoping one day to end up back home in Brooklyn.”

“One day we could have that, an apartment there where both of us are safe from our demons.” TJ sat forward and put his hand on Bucky’s neck, “Eddie, will be there and maybe a friend for him.”

Bucky leaned in closer to TJ, resting his forehead against TJ’s, “That’s a good dream, and I’ve heard that dreams come true. Maybe even mine. God knows my nightmares have.”


	13. Chapter 13

TJ kissed Bucky. It was a frantic, emotional kiss. It was a ‘grateful for not being lonely’ kiss. He gripped Bucky’s neck in both hands, his fingers linked behind Bucky’s head, silky, long, dark hair interwoven between his long pianist’s fingers. His lips pressed and moved desperately against Bucky’s as Bucky caught up to him, returning the action, and pouring his own emotions into it. Bucky pulled TJ against him with his solid, stronger, metal arm until their bodies were flush against each other.

TJ pulled back first, looking longingly at the lips his had just abandoned, “I’m sorry I lost control. I’m not sorry I kissed you.” He said fuzzily as he righted himself and sat back into the corner cushions.

Bucky let him settle before turning and lying across the sofa, flipping a pillow behind him and placing his head squarely in TJ’s lap. He looked up at TJ when he felt TJ’s fingers tracing his hairline, “You don’t have to apologize for anything. That was a hell of a kiss TJ. If anyone should apologize it’s me for making things difficult for you.”

TJ finger-combed Bucky’s hair, “you’re not, Bucky. I decided while I was in California that I should not only honor your wishes, but take care of myself too. I can wait as long as you need before we escalate anything. It’s obvious I’m infatuated with you, and I’m sure that falls under ‘too soon’ too.”

“I’ve evaluated a few things while you were gone too, I can see the difference between when you’re reaching out to me and when you’re aching for Jacob. I was going to say we needed our friendship, but I’m pretty sure we’ve surpassed friendship.” Bucky’s eyes closed blissfully as TJ’s fingers brushed his skin and threaded through his hair. “I still want to go a little slow, keep things like this, kissing and petting for now, if that’s ok?”

“It’s ok.” TJ agreed. “That’s why you teased me about going out while I was in Cali? You didn’t want me to _suffer_.”

“That’s right.”

“Bucky, I’ll go as slowly as you want. As far as you know this is a curiosity thing, you admit you only felt this way about one other guy ever.”

“It’s not curiosity, TJ. I’m selective, maybe.” Bucky reached up and touched TJ’s cheek, cupping it, “When’s the last time someone told you they appreciate you for who you are?” he asked meaningfully.

“How about never?”

“How about right now. You’ve been so kind, generous, and understanding. You’ve given things to me, not just material, but physical and emotional. This, right here? Right now? It’s pure kindness TJ. I appreciate you and everything you are.” Bucky rubbed the pad of his thumb over a trailing tear, “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

TJ locked eyes with Bucky, his pale blue eyes glassy with tears, “I don’t know how to respond.” TJ choked, “I always know what I’m supposed to say or expected to say, but nobody has ever… I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s ok. I wouldn’t know either.” Bucky smiled up at TJ sadly. He rubbed another tear away, “Of course my value has been incredibly dubious for three-quarters of a century. Yours? You’ve been undervalued.”

Bucky sat up and turned back to face TJ again, “Would you play for me TJ?”

TJ saw the eager smile on Bucky’s face and noticed how much younger it made him look. He had to be technically near his own age. “Sure, what do you want to hear?” TJ rubbed the tears from his eyes.

“Surprise me. A Hammond original? Some longtime favorite?” Bucky folded his legs up on the sofa, swatting TJ’s ass as he passed him. He laughed when Eddie rose and walked away, his ear slipping through Bucky fingers as he tried to pet him, to follow TJ to the piano. “You’ve got a fan, I told you he’d love you most of all.”

TJ turned around to see Eddie peering up at him, “He’s ok over here? He won’t think the piano is fair game?”

“Just don’t let him gnaw on it. He’s not going to climb up on it.” Bucky chuckled, “He might try to get under foot. Show him where you want him to lie down and give him treats when he does well.”

TJ took the treat bag Bucky stretched out to hand him, told Eddie to lie down, deciding that Eddie was in a good spot to lay near him, yet still out of the way. He treated Eddie when he complied and laughed when Bucky praised him, “Good boy TJ.”

“You’re a funny one.” TJ grinned as he looked over, seeing Bucky settled deep within the cushions of his sofa, sitting with his knees drawn up to his chin. He launched into ‘ _Ain’t Misbehavin’_ ’, followed by one of his own sold and recorded pieces.

“This is what you should be doing TJ, you need to share this with the world.” Bucky’s voice was awestruck. “This is who you are.”

“It would be nice, but I fucked up the years I should have been doing it.” TJ turned to straddle the piano bench.

“I suppose if I found a dream and wanted to go for it, that’s the perfect reason for me to say I couldn’t too. The years I should have been doing it.”

“You had no choice.” TJ ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at the detailed edges of the piano bench seat.

“Did you? Your choice was taken from you by an illness, TJ.” TJ looked up at Bucky with confusion, “Addiction, chemicals took your choice. If I’m not too old at 100, you’re not too old at thirty-something.”

TJ sat gaping at Bucky, a man who was born early in the century TJ barely saw, who had his life ripped from him who still sat before him telling him something that his own parents never took the time to say.

“What?” Bucky asked, “Why are you looking at me like I suddenly sprouted a second head?”

“Twice this morning you’ve managed to kick my feet out from under me. Not in a bad way. Earlier, appreciating me for who I am? And now, making me consider what’s wrong with me is actually not entirely my fault. You’ve known me a matter of days and you’re telling me things that I’ve been screaming at people to recognize, screaming at myself to realize.”

“Start with yourself, I’m here, and I’ve recognized it, now you do the work it takes to come to terms with it.” Bucky said affectionately.

“Any other requests?” TJ asked, tickling a simple melody out of the keys.

“Come back over here?” Bucky raised his eyebrows. “I’m fickle, I want to hear you play but I want to be close to you.”

“You should come sit by me, then you can have it all.” TJ’s grin was wide and joy filled. Bucky unfolded himself from the sofa and crossed the space, careful not to step on Eddie, who just looked up with one eye before returning to his snooze.

“That dog is home. He loves you TJ.” Bucky said as he pressed his hands into TJ’s shoulders. TJ leaned his head back to look up at Bucky, receiving a kiss on his forehead for doing so.

“I think you might be right. He seems content.” TJ’s smile softened, “He loves you too, you know.”

“I know.” Bucky settled next to TJ on the bench. “I’m rather fond of him too.”

TJ nudged his thigh against Bucky’s as he started into another 40’s classic, ‘At Last’. Bucky surprised him by starting to sing.

 

 _At last my love has come along_  
_My lonely days are over_  
_And life is like a song_

 _At last the skies above are blue_  
_My heart was wrapped up in clover_  
_The night I looked at you_

 _I found a dream that I can speak to_  
_A dream that I can call my own_  
_I found a thrill to press my cheek to_  
_A thrill I have never known_

 _You smiled and then the spell was cast_  
_And here we are in heaven_  
_For you are mine at last_

 

“Bucky, we should take this on the road.” TJ teased quietly, linking his fingers with Bucky’s.

“When we’re both able to climb out of the wrecks that our lives have become.” Bucky brought their hands up to his chin then dipped to kiss TJ’s fingers.

“Wanna bet you still come out on top sooner?” TJ smirked.

“No way pal. You’re on the right track. My trouble is so much deeper than your hole… toss me a rope when you climb out, ok?”

TJ placed his head on Bucky’s shoulder, “I can’t see why you just can’t climb out with me.”

“My climb is deeper and steeper and there are very few footholds. I fell much farther, much longer ago.” Bucky answered, hearing his own screams in his head and tightening his hand around TJ’s.

“I’ll pull you out. I’d be willing to bet your Steve would too.”

“That’s got to wait. It all does. Let’s get you out and safe first, huh?” Bucky said quietly. “I need you to be strong when it’s time for you to help me, so let’s work on you first.”

“You’re the one with battle experience, I’ll cede to your command.” TJ kissed the spot on Bucky’s neck that had been throbbing against his temple.

“First things first. Have you eaten?”

“No, and I’m hungry.” TJ admitted.

“Breakfast, every day TJ. Do you cook? _Can_ you cook?”

“I can and I have been known to.” TJ confessed. “Under desperate circumstances.”

“Then it’s time for you to learn how to make a few quick and healthy single guy breakfasts. Come on, you’re going to work.” Bucky decreed.

TJ followed Bucky into the kitchen, where he directed TJ to locate the ingredients and the pans needed. “Jeez you’re getting’ bossy.” TJ joked, making a point of going around Bucky to get to things, just so he could brush up against him or one time, press him against the counter as he reached over Bucky’s head for something in the cabinet.

Bucky knew what TJ was doing, he also knew that TJ wasn’t trying to be disrespectful in his seduction. He was just being cute. Bucky enjoyed the contact for what he needed it for, sometimes even brushing his fingers along TJ’s side in response. He wondered what _more_ would be like, he felt as though it wasn’t fair to dangle temptation in TJ’s face. After all, was it fair for both of them to indulge in something sexual when he couldn’t guarantee he’d be around to continue to enjoy it, or to ensure TJ was cared for?

“Bucky, I’m sorry? Hey, I’m sorry.” TJ apologized, seeing Bucky standing still in front of him, gaze apparently far away. “Whatever, I’m so sorry.”

“What TJ? Why are you sorry?” Bucky blinked, looked at TJ’s concerned face, “Hey, what?”

“Whatever I just did to send you wherever you went just now.”

“I was just thinking about you, about us. Sorry I worried you.” Bucky pulled TJ close and put his hands on either side of TJ’s face, then kissed his forehead, then his lips. “I’m good, honest, just trying to compartmentalize everything.”

“Penny for your thoughts? and some instructions?” TJ waved at the food lying out on display.

“I was just thinking about your little seductive moves, and what they could lead to – Cut the avocado in half – If we will ever get to indulge in that part of life. Or is it better that we don’t unleash that particular monster between us?” He dropped his hands to TJ’s waist and loosely held him close.

“Why would it be better?” TJ tried not to show the hurt that he was trying even harder to suppress, “I mean… if you don’t want to, I get it. I just don’t get why you said you did in the first place though.”

Bucky tightened his arms around TJ’s waist, “I do, or I wouldn’t be contemplating it. I just wonder… if the time to bug out comes, would it be wise for either of us to know so painfully what we’re missing, instead of just wondering.”

TJ placed his hands on either side of Bucky’s jaw and pulled him into a kiss, urgent, with all the energy from the hurt that had been threatening to burst out. “I would rather you know you’re adored when you’re running in fear. I would rather you know you’re human when you’re alone and scared of your past. I would rather have a reminder of what courses through my entire being than a vague ‘what if’.” TJ ground out against Bucky’s ear before kissing him desperately again.

Bucky held TJ to him firmly, his left hand circling TJ’s waist tight enough to be possessive and his right hand cupped TJ’s head, trapping TJ’s lips at his throat. “TJ…”

“I know Bucky,” TJ sighed, blowing warm air over Bucky’s neck, “we still wait, but now you know my answer.”

“Breakfast.” Bucky said, kissing TJ’s temple before loosening his arm from around TJ’s waist. “Get on that avocado.”

TJ smiled a sad smile and halved the avocado, removed the pit and looked to Bucky for his next instruction. The two worked together to create a seasoned baked egg in the avocado, and once TJ finally got to dig in, he deemed it delicious.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> possible trigger warnings: Bucky has a reaction to severe thunderstorms and the two discuss TJ's drug cravings  
> (I think both are pretty mild but just in case)

Breakfast was really brunch and once it was consumed, Bucky started washing the dishes, “You know I have a dishwasher.” TJ chimed in.

“You know that’s not helping.” Bucky smirked, tossing a towel at TJ’s head, “Start drying, that’s helping.”

TJ swatted Bucky with the towel, “You old people, and your hand-washing dishes. You’d like my mom.”

“I don’t know if I would, it seems she doesn’t exactly value you and that colors my opinion. As for the dishes? There are a grand total of five large items and some flatware. It doesn’t seem worth it not to have them sparkling in their cabinets and drawers, instead of languishing in a dirty dishwasher until there are enough of their comrades to make a full load.”

“You make a valid point.”

“and when you’re making breakfast for one, you will probably have as many or fewer. Look how long it took.” Bucky said, grabbing the towel from TJ to dry his hands. “Clean up after fixing breakfast. You’ll feel better.”

TJ grabbed Bucky’s belt-loop and tugged him back as he’d turned to walk away, “You should come by for breakfast more often.” He kissed Bucky’s cheek, brushing close to the corner of Bucky’s smirk, enjoying the tickle of his whiskers on his lips.

“I’m here all week.”

“You’re staying?” TJ beamed.

“I said I would, if you wanted me to.”

“Does this look like I don’t want you to stay? Does it?” TJ pointed at his exaggerated version of his earlier smile before kissing Bucky properly. “I want you to stay the week. I wish it could be longer.”

“You are welcome to return the favor, TJ.” Bucky said between being kissed by TJ and kissing back, “My place isn’t as well turned out as yours, and there’s no piano, but it’s cozy.”

“You can plan on me being a nuisance.” TJ promised.

“I’ll hold you to it. See what we accomplished?” Bucky asked as he draped the towel over the towel-bar, “breakfast, and cleanup in less than an hour. You promise me you’ll do that every day.”

“I promise.” TJ pushed the surge of sadness down at the reminder that this was a lesson in how to get by when Bucky was away. “You might get annoyed if you come home from work every morning and I’m getting up within hours of you going to sleep, just to fix us breakfast.”

“I’ll get _spoiled_.” Bucky corrected, “Not _annoyed_.”

“Well, that remains to be seen.” Bucky trailed his fingers up TJ’s ribs tickling him before TJ ducked away from Bucky’s grasp and skirted the island to wander into the living room, followed closely by Eddie.

Bucky caught up to TJ eventually, having to work around the dog to reach him, and gripped TJ’s waist and pulled him over on the sofa with him, the sofa had the decency to only barely creak with the weight of both of them thrust onto it. Bucky buried his nose in TJ’s hair, kissing just below his hairline. “What do you want to do today?”

“In the “other” category…” TJ started, “More movies sound good.”

TJ felt Bucky’s smile spread across his skin before it changed into more kisses along the fuzz at his neck, he rolled his head aside to accommodate still more kisses. “More movies do sound good.” Bucky agreed.

TJ brought his hand up to cup Bucky’s head as he continued to enjoy the little nibbles and open mouth kisses along his neck and shoulder, through his t-shirt. The realization dawned on him that all of this, every kiss was new for Bucky and TJ felt special to be receiving them. “Am I the first boy you kissed then?” TJ wanted to have it confirmed for some crazy reason.

“Yes. Wasn’t that clear when I said, “I’d never”?”

“I didn’t know if kisses were part of the ‘never’. I thought but then again I…”

“You wanted to know if you’re the first. That’s perfectly acceptable. You’re the one I chose to be the first. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Bucky punctuated each sentence with a kiss to TJ’s pulse point.

“So,” TJ shifted around on the sofa, to allow them both to lounge across its length, “What movies should we tackle today?”

Bucky handed him the remote from the side-table, “You pick the first one, and I’ll choose the next.”

Two movies worth of cuddling on the sofa, snacking, and making out while also watching and making commentary is how they spent the early afternoon. Bucky had been torn between wanting to see something new and watching something from the golden era of cinema when TJ said he had never seen Casablanca. “What? Come on, tell me you’re kidding? I mean other movies, I’ll let you off the hook on but clearly it’s highly quoted, or misquoted, and _even I_ have seen and heard enough references to know it hasn’t died a thousand deaths.”

“No it hasn’t, you’re right and I’m a slacker.” TJ giggled when Bucky tickled him for his crime. “It’s black and white and emotional and I don’t usually kick in for that kind of thing, but I have a good excuse to watch it now, if you want to see it again. Nana will probably die of shock if I tell her I finally caved.”

“That tears it, you’re watching Casablanca with me – I’m going to make popcorn, you want anything else to go with that?”

“There’s a couple of candy bars in the freezer, _what??_ They’re good cold.”

“I wouldn’t know, in my day there wasn’t room in the ice box for such frivolity. Not that we would get candy bars often enough to actually let them sit around.”

“Oh taking the old man route, I see.” TJ laughed as he watched Bucky cross the room. “That ass is _not_ the ass of an old man.”

“It’s nearly a century old kid.” Bucky flicked a look over his shoulder, winking at TJ.

“Hardly counts.” TJ continued chuckling as he cued the movie. “I sure hope this ‘grampa’ stuff doesn’t put me to sleep.”

“I hope not too, you snore, and drool. Babies are so much trouble.” Bucky said over the clatter of the kettle and pans toppling from behind it. “Tomorrow we reorganize your kitchen so that kind of thing doesn’t happen.”

“Oh really?” TJ asked, “Tomorrow you’ll be sleeping off tonight’s work shift. I’d hate to make so much noise to wake you.”

“I'm willing to bet I’m up before you are, but I promise I’ll tiptoe around and not make any noises to wake you from your beauty sleep.” Bucky said, “Oh wait, you’ll have Eddie waking you up to take him outside and feed him, never mind. You’ll be up.”

“Oh, I just thought you’d handle the early morning walk.” TJ teased.

“I’m over here fixing your snack, about to pack a load of stuff into the living room when you could so easily be helping me, _and_ you want me to walk your dog? You really are too used to servants TJ.”

“My dog? Wait, _you’re_ the official foster for this mutt. I haven’t said or done one thing that legally makes his scruffy ass my responsibility.” TJ watched Bucky seriously attack the job of popping corn, “I’m still too lazy to do it that way, but I admit your way of making popcorn blows microwave stuff out of the water.”

Bucky grinned, “Next time you make the popcorn. None of this “too lazy” nonsense, you watch it for maybe three more minutes than you dazedly watch the microwave glow.” Bucky said as he drizzled butter over the popcorn.

“You’re really pushin’ it pal.” TJ frowned, “You really think I’m gonna learn your popcorn secret and not just have you do it for me?”

“I guess it’s microwave popcorn for you from here on out.” Bucky teased, winking as he bent to place the popcorn bowl on the coffee table.

TJ’s hand found the back of Bucky’s neck before he could stand back up, he threaded his fingers through the loose locks of hair and leaned forward to press a kiss on Bucky’s pink, still kiss-puffed smirk.

“That’s it.” Bucky returned the kiss, lingering over the fullness of TJ’s bottom lip, “that’s all I’m going to do for you.” He nibbled the plumpness then let TJ’s tongue tease his, “You come and get the rest of the snacks.”

TJ moaned as Bucky pulled away.

“Come on.” Bucky said, standing at the end of the sofa with a grin, “up, you’re too spoiled.”

“Bucky?” TJ said quietly, as a thought wouldn’t leave him.

“Yes TJ?” Bucky prompted as no follow-up question or statement seemed to be coming.

“Nothing.” TJ rose to stand in front of Bucky. Bucky’s hands cupped TJ’s face, TJ leaned into the cool metal before Bucky slid them down his neck to rest on either side at his shoulders. “It was nothing.”

“’Nothing’ doesn’t leave a furrowed brow and a frown. You can say anything to me TJ. Did my servants comment hurt you? I’m sorry.”

“NO, no it wasn’t that at all. You’re priming me for you leaving and I can’t get it out of my mind. You – I’m sorry this has happened to you.” TJ’s tears welled and fell almost simultaneously as he stood in Bucky’s space, absorbing Bucky’s strength from their closeness.

“I’m not priming you for my leaving. I’m spending time with someone I enjoy, and giving him some hints at how to – to answer your question from that first night – turn sad thoughts and feelings into good ones. Taking care of yourself – as a task you do _for_ _yourself_ – is a very good first start. Organizing your kitchen will just make that task easier, and you carrying some bottles of pop from the kitchen to the sofa would be helping _me_ because I only have _one hand_.” Bucky added the last dramatically.

“You have two working hands, you dick.” TJ smiled. “You can’t use that one on me.”

“I can if it works, and it worked. You’re not moping around.” Bucky hooked his arm around TJ’s neck and tugged him toward the kitchen, “and you’re helping me, a senior citizen, carry heavy bottles long distances. I’m going to reward you with a candy bar.”

TJ jabbed his elbow into Bucky’s ribs, “Knock it off, jackass, or we’ll never get to watch that old timey movie.”

Bucky pulled TJ closer and kissed his neck loudly, “I’m not the jackass. You’re the one abusing a senior citizen.”

TJ set the bottles on the coffee table next to the large bowl of popcorn then settled into the corner of the sofa where Bucky had been before. He put his arm up on the back and gestured for Bucky to join him, and wrapped both arms around Bucky’s shoulders as he settled in next to TJ. “Old grandpa movie in three – two – one.”

“Seriously, what’s the difference between a movie from the forties and a new movie based in the forties?” Bucky asked as the movie was loading.

“I think you’ve lost your sense of humor, Shh. I’m trying to watch a movie.” TJ trailed his fingers along Bucky’s arm, “Have a little respect.”

Bucky smacked at TJ’s hand then shifted to settle in under TJ’s arm. Bucky was pleased when TJ chuckled at the witty lines and touched when he checked in with him again regarding the Nazis in the storyline. “I’m good, remember? I’ve seen this before. I even remember it.” Bucky stage-whispered.

“Ok, I guess I’m just oversensitive about it.” TJ whispered back.

“You have a good heart. Shh… you’re trying to watch a movie.” Bucky teased wiggling his eyebrows dramatically.

“Oh yeah.” TJ feigned innocence and smacked a kiss upside Bucky’s head.

TJ punched the air when the entire club started in on the ‘La Marseillaise’ scene and Bucky chuckled, turning to wrap his arms snugly around TJ’s waist, “You’re too much.”

And the high was over as soon as the scene ended, “That’s bullshit.” TJ grumbled.

“Shh, watch the movie.” Bucky urged.

TJ looked at Bucky with a look of disbelief when Rick sent Ilsa and Laslo off, “You knew.” He whispered, “I can’t, I can’t watch movies with you.” He pouted.

As the splash screen pronounced “The End” TJ looked at Bucky, “you made me watch a movie about two people having to be separated! You are so cruel!”

“TJ, there was no intent. You hated it.” Bucky wiped a tear from TJ’s cheek.

“I didn’t hate it.” TJ’s pout was less pronounced, “I even saw it coming but that was low man.”

“Well we know you liked La Marseillaise, was there anything else you enjoyed?”

“I feel like an idiot not realizing how much good music came from this movie. Rick’s sour disposition was kind of endearing. The wit was, well, it held up ok. I realize it would have suffered the fate of time if it was in color, but I’d have loved to see how colorful the set was, it was beautiful in black and white.”

TJ saw Bucky’s smile grow as he listed things, “I didn’t hate it, I promise.” TJ smirked, “Did you see it with a date?”

Bucky crinkled his nose before answering, “Yes. She was about as upset with the ending as you were, even though she was more partial to Laslo overall. She said the ending was unfair.”

“She was probably as cute as Isla,” TJ urged, “Wasn’t she?”

“She was _not_ as beautiful as Ingrid Bergman, but she was much cuter than Isla. She had freckles across her nose and mousy brown hair that was silky soft and smelled like flowers. She wore hand-me-down dresses and she always fancied them up with bits of lace or buttons she would buy with half of the money she would budget for her lunch. She worked at the five and dime and always got the first pick of the merchandise. She made my ma a handkerchief and trimmed it with some of her precious lace. She had me give it to Ma for her birthday, from me. I had to promise not to say it wasn’t my idea.”

TJ watched Bucky tell the story, as if it were all playing out for him for the first time in 80 years. When Bucky looked up at him, he touched Bucky’s jaw, feeling the whiskers tickle his skin, “She sounds like a catch.”

“She was. She got swept up that same year and so did I. She got married and I joined the army.”

“Were you heartbroken?” TJ asked reverently.

“Nah, she was one of the gals in the neighborhood. It wasn’t a thing. I probably went to the next picture with a different girl, or with Steve. We had radio and cinema, not twenty-four hours of nonstop crossover entertainment.”

“Still, you described her beautifully.”

“And for all you know, accurately.” Bucky teased. “I’m still working on this memory-gathering thing, I could be wrong.”

Eddie nudged his head between them and looked from one to the next and back. “You gotta go out, buddy?” Bucky asked, scratching the fur between his eyes with a soft touch. “Wouldn’t hurt us to walk off some of those snacks before diving in for more.”

“Should we just take him to the yard? or do you think we have time to hit the dog park before having at least one more movie before your shift?”

“I say the dog park is in, and another movie after that should be about right.”

“We could drive you to work.” TJ offered.

“You’d have to pick me up at 3 AM.” Bucky warned him, “Which means driving both ways when all the people who shouldn’t be driving are out.”

TJ stretched as he pulled himself out of the corner of the sofa, “That is a downfall.”

“I could just take myself to and from, curl into bed next to you and Eddie and we could wake up together at a respectable hour.” Bucky countered. He tossed the harness and leash to TJ. “Figure that mess out.”

“If you think I can’t you’re going to be surprised.” TJ called Eddie over and looped the harness over and around the dog, securing and making sure it was snug, TJ stood up and thrust his shoulders back proudly, “Voila! Quality-check if you must.”

“Oh I don’t have to quality check you, it’s obvious you’re familiar with dogs.”

“Thought maybe you figured the servants did that too.” TJ sassed, “You’d be right, of course, but not _all the time_.”

“Come on.” Bucky threw his arm over TJ’s shoulders, “Let’s get this dog some exercise. By the way, there are no servants to clean up after him, that’s what those little bags are for.”

“Oh ha ha.” TJ replied, following Bucky and Eddie out the door, “Your dad-jokes are pretty lame.”

“When I tell a joke you’ll know it.” Bucky said, tugging TJ closer as the three of them rounded the stairs.

The walk to the dog park was pleasant, little mists of rain made TJ consider turning back and just parking in the courtyard, or at least grabbing an umbrella, but Bucky reasoned him out of it.

“Look at that sky TJ, this little shower was nothing. We’ll be fine both there and back.”

“Yeah, maybe you should take my car tonight, in case that defiant little spring shower becomes something a little angrier at night.”

“I’ve ridden in the rain before, snow too.” Bucky said nonchalantly. “I’ll be ok.”

“You’re not crawling into my bed all wet and cold.” TJ took a less mothering approach, “You can sleep on the sofa if you get caught in a rainstorm on your bike.”

“If it’ll make you feel better,” Bucky made eye contact with TJ, “no, TJ, seriously, thank you for caring. I only have you and Lee who care where I might be in the cold, and as many jokes as I can make, I can’t let it slide without telling you how much it means to me.”

“You could have more people on your side.” TJ offered.

“I’m not ready to see him, TJ.” Bucky said with finality. “Please don’t.”

“Ok. No worries, I’m the last person to shove anything in someone’s face if they’re not ready. I’ve learned that lesson.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t know that I want to elaborate.” TJ answered.

It was quiet for the last stretch toward the dog park. Bucky wondered what had made TJ’s eyes darken, but as he didn’t want to be pushed, he wouldn’t push back.

“It was a guy.” TJ said as they unloaded treats and balls from the bag once they got to the dog park. “He wasn’t willing to come out. He pushed back viciously when I offered to help him through it. Broke my heart. Worse than Jacob – I swore I wouldn’t get involved again. Then I met Jacob and that phase ended. It helped that Jacob was already out. Don’t know that I’d get involved with someone who wasn’t.”

“I would be. If I was ready to take on the world, they’d have to take me as I am.”

“I didn’t even mean… of course, you’re not hiding that, you told me the first day, and Lee? You told her just as easily. I don’t doubt…”

“It’s who I am.” Bucky shrugged, “People think far worse of me than who I might love. I’ve been denied who I am for so long, why would I allow anyone to deny me further?”

“I hope I can help you, someday. I want to help you be free Bucky so you don’t have to deny yourself freedom.”

“I know you do, TJ. It’s so much more difficult than that. I’m never going to be free sweetheart.” Bucky’s sad eyes tore into TJ.

“Will you tell me about it someday?” TJ asked. “I have an idea, but only from what you’ve said and reading between the lines.”

“Maybe.” Bucky said, much less decided than when he stopped TJ from talking about contacting Steve. TJ felt that was a small win.

“That’s all I’ll say about it then, you can when and if you want to.” TJ kissed Bucky’s cheek softly before unleashing Eddie. Bucky grasped TJ’s wrist lightly between the thumb and forefinger of his left hand, and TJ stepped back into the space he’d vacated. He laced his fingers with the metal ones, “You ok?”

“Yeah. Thanks for being you, TJ.”

“Whatever that means,” TJ smiled and stepped the last inches into Bucky’s space, “you’re welcome.”

Bucky kissed TJ quickly before tugging his hat down deeper over his forehead. The last thing he needed was for TJ to be spotted, recognized, and photographed with him. “This might have been a stupid idea.”

“Why?” TJ smiled in spite of the comment.

“You’re going to get noticed one of these days and I’ll be fucked.”

TJ laughed, “Can’t have that, not before I get you first.”

“Shaddap.” Bucky said, pushing TJ’s shoulder. “Throw the ball, your dog is waiting very patiently.”

Even TJ was nervous after Bucky brought up the possibility of being noticed, so the visit was short, a few passes with Eddie and the ball, a quick walk around the perimeter and picking up after the dog were all he could comfortably manage. Bucky knew what the cause was and felt bad for bringing it up. He didn’t mention it until they were back in the apartment putting the dog’s things away.

“I’m sorry I messed up the dog park, TJ. It’s easy to get paranoid. I’m actually surprised how much easier it was to forget for just a little while. When it was just me I figured they would either think I looked familiar and might assume I was you, but hairier. I imagined, right there in the middle of the park today, being seen, and it reminded me how lazy I’ve gotten.”

“Please don’t tell me we can’t be together.” TJ froze. “I couldn’t take it.”

“I’m not saying that, yet.” Bucky put his hand on TJ’s arm, soft whirring sounds of the metal plates breaking the silence, “It could happen, but not yet. We just need to be careful. In my neighborhood we’ll be a little more anonymous, but in yours? Where people know you live? We probably shouldn’t go out together anywhere. Jesus TJ. I wanted to tell you earlier to never _ever_ be with someone who made you keep their secret, and I realized I’m doing that and I’m selfish.”

“You meant marriage or relationship or sexual preference, not…”

“Not “World’s Most Wanted”.” Bucky finished.

“Yeah, that.” TJ frowned. “I’m as selfish as you. Whatever I have to do to keep you safe, I’m not unfamiliar with creeping around in dark alleys and shit.”

“TJ!” Bucky was surprised, and then realized why TJ would, in fact, be accustomed to such secrets. “Oh yeah.” His embarrassed smile made TJ laugh.

“I shocked you? The Winter Soldier – shocked?” TJ had teased before and was given the green-light, but it still felt like a sticky situation. He did exhale a too-long retained breath when Bucky laughed.

“Yeah, I just forgot.”

“I like that you forget I’m a junkie.” TJ’s smile was indulgent and soft.

“I don’t like that term. You’re recovering, so you don’t get to use it, I said so.” Bucky decided.

“Ok, fine, former junkie and it fits.” TJ bit the inside of his bottom lip when Bucky glared at him, “Ok fine, I will stop. The word is no longer part of my vocabulary.”

“Much better, what movie is next? We have time for one and dinner. You’re fixing it, with my help, no takeout tonight.”

“Ok, fine. I did too well with brunch, now you're going to expect me to fix all the meals.” TJ winked, “I can, you know. I just don’t see the need.”

“I’ll make you a deal. You don’t put any more money on that credit card you picked up in California, unless it’s the cost of a take-out meal that you skip. Each time you make your own meal, you put money on that damned card.”

Bucky knew he had TJ before he even spoke, and TJ hated it. It was another reminder of ‘what if?’ and ‘when?’ “Fine. You win this one. BUT no more talk of anything related to that for at least the rest of today and tomorrow. We can talk strategy another day.”

“I’m sorry TJ. It’s been brought up too many times today and I apologize. You have to know, it usually enters my thoughts more often than that. I’m always leery.”

“I’m just not used to it, or ready for it. Have some patience with me, I know it’s real.” TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist and put his forehead on Bucky’s shoulder, “I do. I just want more time first.”

“We’re working on that. As long as we keep a low profile it could be months, even years, if you’re up for that kind of diligence.”

“I think you’re trying too hard. My mom’s the president, we don’t have years.” TJ’s voice was muffled by Bucky’s shirt.

“You’re right. Sorry. I’ll try to be more realistic. This week ends, we start a new practice, you come to my place when you can, and I won’t come here for fear of calling attention to us. You can effectively sneak around; we’ve established that, you just need to remember to care for Eddie. If we’re careful, you can even sneak him in with you. My neighbors are pretty low key and I could always see about talking to my landlord about Eddie as a service animal if I had to.”

“Ok, enough. Movie, Dinner. My place for the rest of the week, end of discussion.” TJ pronounced, “Period.”

“I suppose that’s an order?” Bucky smirked.

“Nah.” TJ said, tugging Bucky along with him to the bedroom by the hem of his shirt, “A strongly worded request.”

“Where are you taking me?” Bucky asked.

“I thought the bed would be more comfortable for a little snuggle, we haven’t had that in a couple of days.” TJ said as though it were obvious.

“Well then.” Bucky smiled, “just remember if you put me to sleep, I need to leave around 6:30.”

“You plannin’ on taking a nap? Even Nana doesn’t take naps, yet.”

“Does she stay up all night because of her nuisance grandson and get up early to go to the airport too?” Bucky pulled TJ back toward him by the waist before they got through the doorway to the bedroom.

“Shh. No.” TJ whispered as he crashed into Bucky’s chest from the force of Bucky’s tug. “No, I’m sure I’ve kept her up nights before.” TJ rested his forehead on Bucky’s left shoulder, feeling the cool press of rigid metal through the light cotton.

“Doing all sorts of dangerous, lascivious things, I’m sure.”

“Guilty.” TJ smiled in spite of the words, he could hear the love coming through Bucky’s voice. “I might have been guilty of exactly that, but I’m proud to say she’s had some peace for the past 3 years, at least on my end.”

“You’re a good kid TJ. Don’t let anything or anyone convince you otherwise. Whatever happens with us, be good to yourself.” Bucky kissed TJ lightly, “Promise me you’re going to put you first.”

“Isn’t that what got me into trouble?” TJ frowned.

“No, not entirely, you need to take _care_ of yourself. Putting you first doesn’t mean ‘be self-destructive’.”

“Ok but,” TJ saw Bucky formulating an argument, "now don’t interrupt me, I want to do this for you before you have to go to work in a few hours. Just humor me. Maybe tomorrow I’ll let you return the favor… somehow.”

“Ok, you’re on. Remember you said that.” Bucky let TJ push him the remainder of the distance to the bed. He sprawled across it and before TJ had much chance to knead any stiffness from his neck alone, Bucky was asleep.

TJ didn’t let the soft sleepy sounds stop him; he carried out his massage as though Bucky were still awake. “You’re not going to leave me before I let you know how important you are.” TJ muttered quietly, tears slowly forming and trailing down his cheeks. “I see when you speak kind words to me and every good word you try to get me to accept about myself is being rejected by you. I know you’re carrying so much pain, yet you don’t let on.”

TJ sat next to Bucky and continued tracing designs over Bucky’s back between the shirt and his skin in silence. Occasionally, a tear would escape and trickle down his cheek, and he’d brush it away. Thoughts of all of the injustices Bucky had suffered and the emotional strain that he must be under couldn’t be pushed away, especially when TJ felt the scars on Bucky’s skin. “I’m going to be an easier person for you to be around. I’m going to take charge of my weaknesses so that they’re not yours to suffer.”

Bucky rolled onto his side, curling around TJ and resting his head in TJ’s lap. His arm circled TJ’s waist and TJ threaded his fingers through Bucky’s hair. The alarm on TJ’s phone was set and sitting across the room, so TJ didn’t concern himself with the time. He felt the silken strands of Bucky’s hair as he pulled them through his fingers, and he thought about his next move to fulfill promises he’d made just moments earlier.

He’d go along with Bucky’s instructions on how to take proper care of himself, resolving to eat at home more and put the money saved on the emergency card as instructed. Eddie crawled up onto the bed and pressed against TJ’s back, laying his head on Bucky’s knee. TJ stroked the dog with his free hand. He was going to start walking Eddie more than just once a day. He was going to get Eddie trained as a therapy dog and take him to visit the VA. First, he had to make Eddie officially his.

The alarm woke Bucky with a start. He was disoriented and looked at TJ wild-eyed for a minute until TJ’s soothing words brought him back. “Bucky, it’s ok. It’s TJ. Hey, you fell asleep, hard and fast.” Bucky felt TJ’s fingers softly scratching his scalp and closed his eyes again, sighing.

“That could have gone better.” He smiled softly.

“It could have been worse.” TJ smirked. “Just the alarm, it’s getting close to time for you to leave. I’m sorry I didn’t figure food in there. I’ll fix us a sandwich while you get ready, you can take it with you.”

“I’d really appreciate that. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, why do you ask?” TJ asked as he scooted off the bed.

“I don’t know, I worry?”

“I’m fine. I might have gotten pretty deep in thought while you slept. I was taking stock of some things. “I’m not sure you have time for all that right now, we can talk about it in the morning.” TJ answered from the doorway.

“We could talk about it on my break if you’d like to call me.” Bucky offered watching TJ head into the kitchen before he scratched Eddie’s head and crawled off the bed to change for the bar. “I usually have a break around eleven, unless I’m alone, then I don’t get so lucky.”

“Are you going to be alone?” TJ peeked back into the bedroom.

“Not unless someone’s sick. That’s only happened once.” Bucky smiled softly, “Call me at eleven TJ.”

“I’ll call.” TJ offered with a small quirk at the corner of his mouth that didn’t make it to a half smile. “Do you have a preference? I think I have a couple of different deli meats and cheeses.”

“Whatever you’re going to have is fine. I’m surprised you’re going to make sandwiches, thought you’d be ordering take-out.” Bucky teased as he shrugged into his t-shirt.

“I remember our deal. No time like the present. As long as you…” TJ jumped when a loud crash of thunder sent tremors through the walls. “Shit. I’m glad you’re taking my car tonight.”

TJ set the different deli meats across the island. “Bucky?” he went to peek into the bedroom and Bucky was crouched next to the bed covering his head with his left arm. Eddie was next to him, nudging his right hand that was flexed in a tight fist on his thigh.

“Hey, Bucky,” TJ approached carefully, sitting on the other side of the dog with his back against the bed. “Hey, it was just thunder. Buck?”

Bucky opened his eyes and looked up through his lashes at TJ after a long silence, “TJ?”

“Yeah. It’s me. It was just the storm. Sometimes this old building shakes. Are you ok?”

“TJ what are you doing here?” Bucky looked distant and frightened. “You can’t be here.”

“Bucky we’re in my apartment. It was just the thunder. Where did you go sweetheart?”

Bucky dropped his arm from shielding his head and reached out his other hand, uncurling his fist slowly. “What?” He dropped his head onto TJ’s shoulder and sighed, “Oh my god.”

“You ok now?”

“I haven’t had a storm chase me like that in a long time.” Bucky sighed, letting TJ’s fingers soothe him as they curled into his hair.

“It was a pretty ugly thunder-clap. I dropped a knife, nearly lost a toe.” TJ’s tone was light, “Will you be ok going to work? I could drive you.”

“I’ll be ok.” Bucky tried to reassure TJ. “I just need a minute.”

“Let me go finish the sandwiches.” TJ said just before the sound of thunder exploded overhead once more, and Bucky curled into himself again, making faint keening sounds before letting out a scream that made TJ tremble.

“Bucky, honey. It’s just the storm…” TJ said shakily. Bucky wouldn’t look up, TJ doubted he could hear him. Bucky held his hands to his temples, making himself smaller than TJ had ever imagined he could look. Eddie quietly laid his head on Bucky’s leg and TJ gently pulled Bucky’s right hand away from his face and set it on Eddie’s head. “Bucky, Eddie and I are here for you. What can I do for you?”

Bucky’s fingers started stroking the dog’s ear after a long and painful silence. He looked through the curtain of hair that fell in his eyes, “Would you… TJ please call Lee for me and tell her I had an episode. She’ll know. She’ll cover or get my shift covered.”

“Sure. Yeah.” TJ moved to stand but Bucky’s left hand gripped TJ’s thigh firmly, “I need to get your phone to do that.” He said gently when Bucky’s hand didn’t loosen on his thigh.

“Maybe I should work, I’ll be ok. I just had a…”

“Bucky, I’ll call her. You’re staying here and short of you physically overpowering me, there’s nothing that you can do about it.”

Bucky looked sideways at TJ, “I guess you’re calling the shots. “Thank you TJ.”

“You’re going to have to let me know if any of this work you’ve been missing is going to jeopardize your rent or something. I’ll help, if it does.” TJ said as he crossed the room, “Especially for the days when you were here dog-sitting my little Eddie.”

“I thought we covered that? He’s my charge until you’ve finalized the adoption.” Bucky ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the weight of the flare-up. He rested his head against the mattress listening to TJ talk to Lee, reassure her that Buck wasn’t alone, nor would he be left alone in the storm. Bucky closed his eyes, not opening them again even when TJ sat beside him.

“That’s done, they’re going to split your shift and have it covered. She’s worried about you too, wants to let you know they’re going to share tips “no arguments”.” TJ linked fingers with Bucky’s, “The storm’s sticking around, there was a severe thunderstorm warning we both missed. What do I do if it happens again?”

“You did well, TJ. Just do what you did before. This hasn’t happened in a long time.”

“I know, you said that earlier. Sometimes things are so easy and then there’s that one spark, that one thing that just says ‘fuck you and your having your shit together’. It’s ok Bucky.”

“I have only missed one shift for this. Well, that’s not true, one and a half. I had a pretty bad one in front of Lee. It was gun-fire then. Some idiot brought a pistol into the bar and the hilarious motherfucker thought firing the thing was a good idea. I saw it happen but as soon as the gun went off I – this shouldn’t be happening to me.”

“I don’t see how you’re immune to PTSD, with all the shit you were put through, if even half of the speculation is true. You know there are amateur theorists who have picked through some of the Hydra files and built a time-line of your history?”

“I know. Makes finding out about yourself less of a mystery and more frustrating. Don’t read that stuff TJ. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“I want to know if you want to come supervise sandwich-making.” TJ said after a minute. “I mean, I might need your sage advice.”

Bucky put his head on TJ’s shoulder for a second, “Promise me.”

“I promise. I won’t read any _more_.” Thunder rumbled outside some in the distance and more closer to home, “Sandwiches. What do you say?”

 “Sandwiches. Probably not a lot of sage advice to be had about that but I’ll join you in the kitchen.”

“How likely is it we’ll have another flare-up?” TJ asked as he let Bucky tug him up from the floor.

“It could happen or not. I guess we’ll just have to watch that movie I slept through and turn it up to drown out the sound.”

Bucky watched as TJ made sandwiches, not finding anything to advise, TJ seemed engrossed in his own thoughts.

“I'm sorry TJ. You were probably ready for an evening to yourself.” He said while TJ put the meats and cheeses away.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I was going to miss you while you were gone and I don’t exactly know how to feel about how relieved I am you’re still here. I should feel guilty or something.” TJ looked over his shoulder at Bucky, “You didn’t sleep through any movies either. I never even started a movie. Sitting with you wrapped around me was much more important to me than reaching over for the remote.”

Bucky smiled at the blushing admission, “Well, when I become a nuisance you have to let me know.”

“I wish you could stay here until that happens.” TJ smiled sadly, as he plated the sandwiches and added some fruit and chips. “If you could just be here until you become a nuisance. I’d like that.”

“I don’t think you should feel guilty for wanting to spend time with me, concerned for your safety or sanity maybe, but not guilty. I don’t think we’ve ever done anything that you should feel guilty for.”

TJ looked down to find Eddie under foot. “We should probably work with him about this.” He said as he rounded the island and Eddie followed. “This is why your crate would be a good place you little shit.”

Bucky smiled at the sweetness in TJ’s voice. “Tell him where you want him. We didn’t do him any favors today not trying to work on the crate.”

TJ tugged a strip of cheese from his sandwich and led Eddie to the bedroom. “Eddie, you love cheese, don’t you? Come on then,” He stopped next to the crate and sat alongside it, dangling the cheese through the top he waited without looking at Eddie. Bucky followed, expecting to see more of what he’d seen the day before. What he saw was Eddie standing at the opening looking in. Not even an inch of him was inside the open door, but he was engaged with the idea of cheese.

TJ broke a little piece off and dropped it through the opening. Eddie’s eyes followed the tidbit of cheese and his nose breached the opening. Bucky held his breath and he thought maybe TJ was too, neither of them wanting to startle the dog that seemed unaffected by the rolling thunder in the distance. Bucky wished he were as unaffected.

Eddie stepped through the opening, not to retrieve the small piece that was lying on the mat and blanket Bucky had set up for him, but to sniff at the dangling strip from above. “Sit Eddie.” TJ whispered and they watched as the dog stayed where he was, inside the crate, sitting. He looked longingly at the cheese he hadn’t been given permission to take yet. “Good boy. Take it.” TJ said gently. Bucky watched Eddie take the strip of cheese and eat it then he sniffed around inside the crate, from one corner to the next until he circled the entire structure. He found the small morsel of cheese that had been almost forgotten and snatched it up before curling around himself, pressing his back against the side of the crate where TJ was sitting.

“Leave the door open. Let’s see how he takes to it as his refuge.” Bucky said, smiling in spite of the clap of thunder overhead. “I could bring you your sandwich. I think if you get up, he might come out. Hell if you have food it might disturb him too.”

TJ chanced standing up. Eddie didn’t so much as look up, TJ was so pleased that the dog that had been so terrified was now so at ease that he would just hover on the sidelines, always waiting for permission and that he could lounge about without getting underfoot. TJ looped his arm through Bucky’s on the other side of the bedroom door. “I’m sorry about the storm.”

“Don’t apologize for nature’s wonders. I’m working through it.” Bucky smiled softly, the tightness in his jaw not quite allowing the gesture to be reassuring.

“Ok not on an empty stomach.” TJ brushed his finger over Bucky’s sleeve. They ate their sandwiches and discussed Eddie and TJ’s new ideas for him.

“A therapy animal at the VA? TJ that’s an amazing goal, and it’s so perfect for him too. He’s just the right kind of dog for that. Did you see how he zoned in on me in there?”

“It would be an honor, and I think it would help me with my own issues, to be able to partner with him in that way.”

“Dare I ask why you chose the VA instead of a drug rehab or something similar?”

“I might have considered the VA because of you. You are aware of the fact that there is a drug issue there as well. Something just led me to the VA, ok?” TJ blushed.

“I’m happy to have inspired you, I was _not_ placing judgement. I love the idea of any of it. You might even have time to do both, when you’re able.”

“Does the shelter have information for what we would need to do?”

“Yeah, they have all kinds of resources, you’re going to be putting him through training first, then getting him certified. Are you sure you’ll be comfortable visiting hospitalized vets TJ?” Bucky wanted TJ to do anything that made him this excited; he just didn’t want him going in unprepared.

“Yes. I mean maybe not comfortable at first, but I know I could do it. I know, there will be a lot of things I’ve never seen in the way of injuries and conditions, but I want to do this Bucky, like nothing I’ve put my mind to before.”

“I want you to do it. You’re correct; there will be things you’ve never seen before. Luckily you’re home and nowhere near the front-lines of war, but you still could be assaulted by your senses going into a VA hospital. This doesn’t come standard.” Bucky tapped his left bicep.

TJ snickered, “I know.” Bucky’s unamused look didn’t sober TJ _much_ , “I know Bucky, and I am very grateful you’re looking out for me, I will be ok though. This is something I want to do.”

“I know you do. I’m glad you’re passionate about it TJ. I’m really honored if I inspired you. One day I might even be able to take advantage of VA benefits and I think that will be thanks to you too.”

TJ wanted to soothe the flinch that was almost like a tick as often as it was occurring with the louder, closer thunderclaps. “I’ve made some exceptions recently, popcorn in bed, that sort of thing, but I’m not above loosening the rules to sandwiches too. Let’s get a movie queued up.”

Bucky couldn’t agree more, distraction sounded good. The roar outside was really intensifying. As they picked up their plates, the lights went out. Bucky’s grasp on the plate tightened and his breathing got shallow.

“I have some candles and lamps just for this purpose; I guess you have to suffer through me playing the piano instead.” TJ started talking to orient Bucky to his position.

Bucky forced himself to focus on TJ’s voice, “I guess it’ll have to do. What will you play?” ‘please answer, please talk to me, please make the noise stop’.

“I think something lively. Something funny and exciting, Broadway tunes come to mind, and maybe I’ll show my inner child and play some nonsense children’s songs. Those are always fun.” TJ kept talking, short sentences that sounded conversational and not urgent, as he lit the first lamp and set it on the island, then took another to the piano, where he then found candles on the tables and in nearby drawers and lit a few, softening the look of the room. He drew the shades to keep the lightning from flashing in through the previously naked windows.

TJ stood near the piano with his hand outstretched, “come here, I’ll do everything I can to drown out the thunder.”

Bucky took TJ’s hand and let him pull him to the piano. “Well I’m not very subtle am I, if you can figure it out in the dark.”

“I just figured it was a good diversionary tactic.” TJ said, wrapping his arms around Bucky when he was close enough, “Just in case we have another flare-up, or more importantly, hopefully avoiding one.”

“We?” Bucky smiled into TJ’s shirt as he dipped his head to his shoulder. “I like your all-inclusive approach.”

“I like that you’re not being a macho jerk and pretending nothing’s wrong and rejecting my comforts.” TJ kissed Bucky’s temple. “I don’t like that the damned storm let me keep you home with me and then took away our movie-night.”

“You came up with the perfect substitute.” Bucky sat on the edge of the piano bench, “You’re very intuitive. I like the way you tend to anticipate an outcome and act to ensure it’s not as bad as it could be.”

TJ wasn’t used to direct compliments of things that seemed to come second nature to him, backhanded compliments were more likely. He thought of Jacob, and of how even he didn’t ever seem to tell TJ what he appreciated about him. “I guess being outside of things it’s easy to observe and predict. I don’t like people to be uncomfortable, especially the ones I care about.”

“I think it’ll be a really powerful skill when you start working with Eddie.” Bucky continued as TJ started to play. TJ stopped playing; his face was unreadable in the dim light as he searched for words. Finally, he turned to face Bucky fully, and gripped his hands.

“Thanks Bucky. I really appreciate your support and the kind way you talk to me. People don’t. I’m either about to mess their lives up or have already thrown a monkey wrench into things for them. Even though I definitely qualify for the latter in your case, you still take the time to actually listen and talk to me. I don’t know how to tell you how much I treasure that.”

“You haven’t thrown a monkey wrench into my life. I think things are going to be a lot more colorful, but they’ll be a lot less lonely. A lot less. Of course I’m going to listen when I talk to you. I value what you say TJ, and how you feel I value that too. I feel like our paths crossed for a reason.”

“I worry about that, because what if the reason isn’t necessarily good.”

“It is, even if I had to take off today, I’m better for knowing you.”

“I suppose I might not be alive right now if it weren’t for you. I was on the road to destruction again and someone with fewer scruples wouldn’t have cared to stop me. I’ve nearly died twice; I don’t really want to go there again. It wasn’t my goal.”

“I know. You were hurting and you had passed the point of “fuck it”.”

“Yes I had, but I’m glad you had a bullshit meter and could call me on my garbage. I tend to pass that particular point relatively easily.” TJ turned back to the piano and started playing show tunes. Another particularly loud clap of thunder had him turning to a shaking Bucky, “I’m sorry I can’t play any louder.”

“Christ I hate this.” Bucky admitted, “It’s never this bad.”

“Ok so the bedroom is more inside, situated toward the center of the building, let’s go in there and we’ll try cranking up the music on one of our phones… I mean mine, because we haven’t done that yet on yours. You with me?”

“Yeah, I’m willing to try anything.”

“I wish the power was on.” TJ said as they blew out several candles and each of them grabbed one plus a lantern to take into the bedroom with them. TJ started his music and turned it up the best he could, and placed it on the bed next to them.

“It’s my turn.” Bucky said as they sat facing each other, “you lie down and I’m going to return all of the favors I owe you.”

“It’s not like that, Bucky. I enjoy it.”

“OK, so let me enjoy it then, let me enjoy making you feel good.” Bucky said, kissing TJ lightly. “Unless you’re afraid of me?”

“I’m _not_ afraid of you.” TJ slapped Bucky’s knee lightly, “shut up.”

“Ok then, lie down.” Bucky ordered. TJ complied, lying face down next to Bucky.

Bucky leaned forward and kissed TJ’s clavicle through the t-shirt he had on. “Relax, trust me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, yes, I trust you more than I trust people I’ve known my whole life.” TJ replied, looking over his shoulder at Bucky.

“Hey this is a big deal.” Bucky said quietly. “Letting you touch me is selfish, being here with you marks my first experience in decades touching someone, without intent to harm or kill them.”

He wished he didn’t say the words the minute they were out in the open.

“Haven’t ever said that out loud either, have you?” TJ didn’t break eye contact. “Thank you for sharing with me Bucky.”

“Forget I said anything.” Bucky swallowed, hating that the words hung between them. His hands stilled on TJ’s back just above his waist.

“No, I won’t. You have someone to talk to now, that had to be difficult to say aloud, but you did it. This _is_ a big deal don’t stop. How does it feel? To touch someone gently again? To be in control of your own actions?”

“It…” Bucky’s hands stuttered over the fabric of TJ’s shirt as he slowly moved them up TJ’s back, “it’s nice. I feel so overwhelmed TJ, I’m sure I was better about this when I was younger… before…”

“Expressing yourself? Yeah, it gets complicated when things you want to express aren’t fluffy and nice. I can’t even talk about craving coke without someone panicking about me diving off the deep end. The darker your feelings are the harder it is to feel ok about sharing them. I’ll tell you now, you can share anything with me if I can tell you my weaknesses, do we have a deal?”

“We do.” Bucky kneaded TJ’s muscles gently, “is this ok?”

“Mmm hmm.” TJ moaned softly in response. He wasn’t ready for the reaction he was having to Bucky’s tender touch, he’d been able to deal with it privately while he was away. He didn’t want to complicate the delicate situation so he kept it to himself.

“Does the craving just sit dormant waiting to spring on you or is it an always thing?”

“It’s complicated; sometimes it peaks in social situations, other times it happens when it’s difficult to cope. They’re triggered by depression, anxiety, or something that happens that mirrors when I would have done it, sense memory. I’ve come to recognize the triggers and I have done pretty well – aside from the alcohol binge. When I say, “I need it” it doesn’t mean “I’m going to do it now.” But my family thinks so. When I say, “I can’t get the thought out of my head” means to them that I’m going down. What it really means is the craving is really there, active and needing to be acknowledged.”

“But acknowledging it doesn’t mean acting on it, right?”

“Right. It just means that it is dark in my head and I could go either way, it’s up to me how I proceed.”

“If they react improperly, you might turn the wrong way, as a “fuck you” to the system, right? I think I know you enough after the hours we’ve spent together.”

“Yeah, it could push me the wrong way, that’s where I need to push back and then recognize that weakness too.” TJ felt the weight of Bucky’s palms over his waist as he pressed along the sides of his spine and the vertebrae crackled into alignment.

“You’ve done well with that, for three years. The alcohol thing aside.” Bucky praised, “Talk to me any time you feel the pull, tell me anything you can to express it, I can hear about it and I won’t snap to any judgements, even if I ask if you’re ok, there won’t be judgement behind it.”

“The same goes, I know that anything you did while under Hydra’s control wasn’t you so I won’t judge you. If you ever need to say anything, I’m here and I can listen.”

“You do know that I was the one who did those things.”

“I know that you followed orders, due to your inability to question them. Just know that I won’t judge you for it. I’m not romanticizing anything; I just firmly believe you had no other choice. I know enough about you to know you’d fight to the death before doing any of those things if your essence wasn’t ripped from you. Yes, you did those things, and yes, you have to live with that.”

Bucky blinked tears back and pulled away from TJ. He lay down next to TJ and looked at him, “That’s a very open way of seeing things. I hope you don’t expect other people to agree with you. Remember how they feel about your cravings.”

TJ rose up on his elbows and looked at Bucky. He rubbed an errant tear away from Bucky’s cheek with his thumb, “I know, that’s why I still have no idea how I’m going to get my mother to help you.”

Bucky took TJ’s hand, “don’t. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“One day I will do it. I won’t get hurt and neither will you.” TJ smiled at Bucky’s frustrated expression.

“I promise it won’t be something that gets either of us into trouble. I don’t even have a plan yet but when I figure it out, I’ll tell you first. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to go out and not worry about being found out?”

“It would. There’s no dissuading you, is there?”

“Listen, you could order me not to, you could assertively ask me not to and I would do what you want, but I think you haven’t done that because you do want to be free of the past.” TJ sat next to Bucky, watching him in the dim light, and playing with his hair as it splayed out across the pillow, “ok. On a night like tonight, if I was alone, it would be very hard to get through the storm and the darkness without making a phone call. On a good night the call would be to my sponsor, on a bad one, it would be to someone who could hook me up.”

“You haven’t had any bad enough in the past three years, that’s very good.”

“I think we established I didn’t spend much time alone. Those nights weren’t stormy and dark. So yes, the achievement was laudable, but there wasn’t really much challenge behind a lot of it.”

“Bullshit.” Bucky sat up and looked TJ directly in the eyes, “I want you to admit that you met the challenge. I want you to look at what you _really_ encountered and really look at and own your strength.”

“I…” TJ faltered, broke eye contact, “I don’t know what…”

“TJ.” Bucky brushed his hand along TJ’s jaw encouraging him to look at him, “don’t talk. Think. Think of the last time you were alone and overcome by a craving, the last time you reached out and called your sponsor because it was simply too much. Don’t tell me about it. Think about it. Imagine the things that brought you to that moment, maybe it was something big, but _maybe_ it was simply one of those down days you describe; only you know. You felt overwhelmed and hungry, your body screaming at you. What did you do? You reached out for help. The thought of asking for help, before you actually do it, sometimes feels horrible, it burns like a bruise to your ego and you feel like a weak son of a bitch for doing it, but _because it is so hard_ and _so painful_ , that’s what makes you strong, you did it _anyway_.”

The lights in the room came on before TJ could answer, they both blinked and squinted at the brightness, and they heard the jingle of Eddie’s tags as he looked up from where he was still lying in his crate. Thunder still clamored outside but at least the lights were on.

“You’ve got a hell of a way of making a guy see the light Barnes.” TJ smirked before kissing Bucky squarely on the lips, “and even though that was a joke, it’s also frighteningly true. Thank you for not being like everyone else I’ve ever known. Thank you for being a fresh breath of air.”

“You’re welcome.” Bucky returned TJ’s kiss, pulling him across his chest, and holding him close. His lips parted for TJ’s exploration, his fingers splayed across the back of TJ’s neck, threading into the soft short hairs at the back of his head and spreading to tousle and tease the longer curls.

TJ pulled away, staring first at Bucky’s lips and then looking into his eyes, “that was… very… hot… and we aren’t even close to a week out. Keep kissing me like that and I can’t be held responsible.”

“You’re a good person TJ.” Bucky’s pink, swollen lips turned up, “thank you for saving my virtue.”

“Shut up.” TJ reached the rest of the way across Bucky’s chest and flipped the power button on the remote control before settling back in close to Bucky, wiggling under his arm to search a movie, smiling at the silent chuckle that rumbled through Bucky’s body.


	15. Chapter 15

Bucky woke to the realization that he had a double-shift to work. He carefully moved so that TJ wouldn’t wake and went in to shower. When he came out of the bathroom drying his hair with the towel, TJ was lying where he’d left him but he was awake and had his head propped on his arm.

“Sneaking out?” TJ asked with a small smile, obviously Bucky wasn’t expecting him to be awake yet, he hadn’t bothered with a second towel, and he was exposed completely.

“If I was sneaking out, I wouldn’t have bothered with a shower,” Bucky casually wrapped the towel around his waist, “But you weren’t supposed to be awake yet.”

“Mmhmm. I gathered that.” TJ quirked a brow at Bucky.

“I remembered I have a double-shift today, I have to cover for Lee.”

“I need to go to the Dome today too, so, yikes. Adult stuff.”

“Seems as though Eddie is perfectly comfortable with his crate,” Bucky said as he pulled on his jeans, TJ watched as the tight denim slid over his thighs and shifted under the cover of the comforter, “you should be ok to put him in until you get home. Come by for dinner?”

“I’d like that, do you get a break between shifts, or when will you be eating?”

“I’ll probably break for food around 3:30, everything gets a little unpredictable after that with happy-hour and nighttime activities.”

“I’ll be there at 3:30.” TJ sat up against the headboard with his arm propped on his bent knee. “You should have said something; I’d set an alarm.”

“I have a fancy-ass phone I could do the same thing. I forgot, it happens to me a lot. Side-effects of the whole brainwashing thing.”

“Well we’d better nail down your clock and calendar.” TJ still wasn’t entirely comfortable with the casual way Bucky could reference the horrors from his past. However, he knew as well as anyone that you cope with things any way you can and someone else’s level of comfort didn’t mean shit, so he kept it light, “can’t have you going off to work on your day off and vice versa.”

“Funny shit TJ.” Bucky brushed TJ’s forehead with a kiss. “I’m going to miss you.”

“If you don’t forget about me first.” TJ stuck his tongue out.

“You’re unforgettable, don’t you have to get ready to do something adult-minded today?”

“I’ve got a few minutes, do you? We could forget about that waiting a week thing, after all, I’ve seen you naked now.”

“Nice try.” Bucky said from the edge of the bed, where he was tying his boot. “You’re incorrigible.”

“You like it.” TJ smirked. “I suppose I shouldn’t keep trying to keep you home, you’ve already missed so many shifts and tips because of me.”

“Yeah, somehow I think you’ll figure out a way to make up the tip thing. I saw the tips from the other day.”

“You did? I suppose my name on the credit card receipt will stop me from saying “how’d you know it was me?” right?”

“Yeah, you’re sneaky but not sneaky enough. I don’t know how you ever fooled anyone into thinking you were clean when you weren’t.”

“I’m sure I didn’t. They just turned a blind eye. When they were looking.” TJ frowned. “But I guess you’d know right away.”

“I’d know.” Bucky leaned back on his elbow to touch TJ’s arm, “Let’s not find out, huh?”

“No way pal.” TJ said, tossing a boy-scout salute to seal the deal. He linked fingers with Bucky’s before Bucky could draw his arm away. “This is a masterpiece, you know?”

“Yeah, best thing Hydra ever did for anyone. I’ll keep it, it’s part of me y’know?”

“If _they_ were a regular, everyday corporation or government and not some evil faction, you could take’em to court for more. They owe you the life they stole.”

“They owe me their complete destruction, and that neither I nor anyone I care about ever has to set eyes on them again.”

“That too. I guess you can tell I come from a legal background, what must you think of our lawsuit happy way of thinking?”

“I think you’re stalling me and I need to go. I get to open the place, if it opens late, you might have an unemployed homeless man at your front door.”

“Ok, go.” TJ smiled softly, “I wouldn’t mind you being here but we’ve established how safe this neighborhood won’t be for you soon. With that in mind, be careful.”

“You too. See you at 3:30.” Bucky sat back up and rose to cross the room, followed by Eddie. “You be good too. I’ll see you after work pal.”

“Come here Eddie, we’ll mope together for a half hour.” TJ called, laughing when the dog obeyed and leapt up onto the bed.

“You two are hopeless.” Bucky called over his shoulder, chuckling as he left.

“You know what Eddie? He’s right.” TJ said quietly to the dog as the apartment door whispered shut. “So, we take a walk and then you’ll let me shower while you eat your breakfast? Sound good pal? I hate to leave you alone but it’ll only be a few hours. I’ll leave some music on, that’ll make you happy won’t it.” TJ said as Eddie kissed his neck and face. “You’re such a dog.” TJ laughed.

. . .

Bucky smiled to himself as he jogged down the stairs. He couldn’t remember feeling so good, so normal, and even happy. The storms from the night before were almost a distant memory for Bucky as the image of TJ hungrily eyeing him changed to TJ smiling fondly at him as they bantered and teased one another. Then there was that last image of the morning, Eddie making TJ laugh as he pranced around his covered legs trying to tell him it was time to do dog things.

His day, even if it was a long-assed double shift was going to be great. He wasn’t lying when he told TJ he’d miss him, it was so unfamiliar, to feel something so deep and personal now, in this new version of himself. Before TJ, emotions were as scattered and shattered as the memories that they pointed to, feelings and memories that he wasn’t sure how to interpret. Possibilities he wasn’t sure he was entitled to consider. It wasn’t that way with TJ. These emotions, he was experiencing right now, and maybe they weren’t supposed to swell so big, so fast. Maybe it was unhealthy like TJ had said in one of their conversations. “I’m falling for you and it’s way too fast, Bucky, even I know it’s unhealthy.” But why?

If you knew you were attracted to someone, why did you need to have every other impossible thing in your life figured out before you were entitled to enjoy it and admit it to that person? At that rate, he would never be able to do any such thing. He didn’t have time to waste waiting; he had no idea when he’d have to cut out. Bucky decided he wasn’t _going_ to waste time worrying, he would enjoy every second with TJ, he’d show TJ what he meant to him, and hopefully he could figure out how to tell him too.

Before he hit the motorcycle, he sent TJ a text, “BREAKFAST!”

He got a reply by the time he’d arrived at the bar, “You were going to show me more things to make, I guess it’s just cereal today.”

“You could make something like we did the other day.”

“Too late.” TJ sent back with a picture of a nearly empty bowl of cereal.

“Dammit TJ.” Bucky sent, “OK, just make sure you do better at lunch.”

“I’m having an early dinner.” TJ sent back, Bucky knew he was being difficult on purpose and couldn’t resist the smile.

He let himself in through the back door of the bar and ran through the opening checklist. He never had to worry that the work from the previous night wasn’t completed. The morning prep was always so much easier because Lee was the one who showed Bucky what was expected, and she didn’t mess around. At eleven he texted TJ back, “at least have something that didn’t come out of a package between now and dinner.”

TJ sent back a photo of himself sitting at the bar in what Bucky figured was the Dome with a plate of fruits and vegetables, most likely garnishes, and TJ was (too seductively) about to consume a rather large strawberry. Bucky took longer than necessary looking at the red berry and TJ’s nearly-as-red lips before noticing the garnish plate. He was sure that was the intent too.

“Don’t forget to eat the vegetables too, fruit is good, but it’s practically candy.” He said in his next message, not taking the bait.

Lee popped in shortly after Bucky’s last text to TJ, sliding behind the bar while he served the first real customer of the early afternoon. “Hey there Buck.”

“You’re supposed to be anywhere else. What brings you here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were OK. I could cover you if you need me to.”

“Cover for me covering your shift? You are an angel. You’ve covered me so much this week already.” He replied.

“I’d do it any time. I know new relationships are hard work, and now you not only have a boyfriend but a dog who would love to spend time with you. Besides, those flashbacks you get, honey, I’d protect you from them entirely if I knew how.”

“You’re one of the best friends a guy could have Lee.” Bucky smiled softly.

“Then when will you trust me with your secret? I know it must be big.”

“Honey, if you don’t know you’re better off. I still don’t know _how_ you don’t know.”

“So you’re a big deal huh?” she smiled up at Bucky.

“I’ve heard that, yeah.”

“Well, you never reached my neck of the woods, so you must be pretty small-time. I don’t care. I think you’re amazing. How’s the boyfriend anyway? He’s adorable.”

“He’s not my boyfriend, not yet. He just came off a breakup and he’s a nice, adorably nice guy who just so happens to like me a little more than he should.”

“Because you don’t like him the same at all, mister “my eyes light up when she calls my not-boyfriend my boyfriend”.”

“You’re hilarious. You and TJ should definitely take it on the road.” Bucky couldn’t hide the smirk as he shook his head, serving the guy at the bar his second drink.

Lee waited until he was finished and tugged him to the opposite end of the bar, turning him so he could keep an eye on the customer and the customer wouldn’t get an earful, “I know you like him. He sounded so concerned about you yesterday, he likes you.”

“I know he does. He’s told me and shown me. I still contend he’s just come out of a long relationship and I hate the idea of taking advantage of his vulnerability. How do I walk this tightrope Lee?”

“Have you two?? You know…?”

“God no! I can’t do that to myself! I mean, I told you that there was only ever one other guy, and it was _never_ a thing. I would be too emotionally invested and what if TJ came along later and said ‘hey, we had fun but you were just a means to an end’?”

“Do you really think that would happen? I don’t see the way he looked at you that day and the way he worried over you yesterday as being “a means to an end”. Have you really thought about this?”

“I just don’t want to get hurt. I’ve been through enough.” Bucky rubbed his left arm, “However, I was thinking about maybe letting on a little how I feel about him.”

“You’re going to tell him? That’s so sweet.”

“Stop it or I won’t tell you anything anymore.” Bucky teased back. “You had something better to do with your day, didn’t you?”

“I was seriously here to see if you wanted to go home.” Lee answered with a smile.

“As tempting as that is, I still have rent to pay and I’ll still have to come back for the closing shift anyway, so – thank you – but I’ll pass. I’d like to keep my emergencies actual emergencies and not whimsical notions to go see TJ.”

“and the dog.” Lee grinned. “How’s the dog?”

“Ok, so TJ is in love with him, and Eddie’s hardly given me the time of day since he met TJ. I’d say the little guy has a home as long as his adoption papers are approved. I’ve neglected the rest of my little pals since TJ’s been home and I feel like a real cad.”

“So, here’s a new plan, swap me, I’ll work your closing shifts, you work my days. Matt can open, and that way you can spend mornings with your shelter pups and evenings with your home boys.” She quirked her eyebrow, the piercing there glimmering in the light above her.

“You’re so invested in my relationship all of a sudden, what’s up with you?”

“I told you, TJ, man. He likes you.”

“I know, we’ve been over that.”

“You like him. It’s better to get to know each other if you’re not working 17 out of 24 hours in a day. I might be in a matchmaking mood, I don’t know.”

“You just don’t want to work the day shifts, because it’s slow and the tips suck.”

“Not the case! I like the day shift, the place gets set back to rights, and the regulars are fun and decent. I do like the night shift tips but I’d be willing to split them with you if it would convince you. I’ve been trying to get you to cut back on doubles anyway.

“True, with the exception of the ones you ask me to take _for you_.” Bucky thought about her proposal, tips were nice but he wouldn’t mind bunking down at night with TJ instead of waking up in time to run out and not getting back in until just before TJ would be getting up in the mornings. “You know I’m an asshole who worries about you, right? Are you sure about the closing shifts?”

“Yeah, you’re such an asshole, worrying about your friend, don’t even tell me it’s because I’m a _girl_. Besides, you know we’re never alone on closers.”

“Well get out of here then, because I’m going to take you up on it and you’re going to need your rest.”

“That’s better.” Lee patted Bucky’s cheek.

“Thank you, it’s obvious you’re doing me a huge favor. Sorry about giving you a rough time.”

“I expected as much. You’re a tough nut to crack.”

“Not as tough as I thought I was. You and TJ have made me soft.”

“No, that was the dogs.” She grinned. See you around six.”

“Seven.” Bucky ordered.

“Six-ish.” Lee countered.

“Whatever, come at five. Stick around. It’s your afternoon.” Bucky teased, “I could have sworn the closing shift started at seven.”

“Yeah, but I can come early, then you can leave early. Isn’t that a brilliant plan?”

“It’s brilliant.” Bucky put his hands on Lee’s hips and directed her out from behind the bar, “but you need to leave now. See you at seven.”

“Six-ish” Lee waved as she sauntered through the bar and out the door.

Bucky rolled his eyes before looking at his phone, another thing he never used to do. TJ had sent him another picture of an empty plate “Hope you’re happy.”

“As long as those vegetables went in you and not in a bunch of cocktails.” Then he decided to let TJ know about Lee’s insistence, “if you want to go home and wait, I’ll be coming home after 6. Up to you.”

“When will you get lunch? Have _you_ had breakfast?”

“I’ll probably eat something in the next hour, sorry, you’re probably busy.”

“Nope, just finished up a booking, contracts signed and I am leaving. I was going to go home to Eddie but I could come by for lunch first.”

“See you in an hour.” Bucky smiled as he put his phone away. He welcomed the new customers that came in and served their orders before stepping into the kitchen to give Matt his and TJ’s lunch order.

“Early lunch ‘eh?” Matt asked, smile on his ruddy face. Matt was a hard worker, seemed to keep to his self as much as Bucky had before TJ came around, but he and Bucky had stayed up late one night after closing, drinking with Lee and they had both seen another side of quiet Matt. The brash and loud side had reminded him somewhat of Dum Dum Dugan. It had taken the whole night and the rest of the next day for Bucky to remember whom he brought to mind.

“Yeah, Lee conned me into switching shifts and she finally convinced me to give up a few doubles, so I’ll be heading out early enough to have a home-cooked dinner, no offense. I still swear by your burgers Matt.”

“None taken, I usually have a salad when I’m not eatin’ here. I understand the need for somthin’ different. The usual?”

“Nah, that burger you made my friend the other day, one of those, cut it in half you make a monster sandwich pal. Rings and fries.”

“Your friend comin’ by again? Seems that’s his order.” Matt smiled.

“Yeah, he’ll make me have half anyway. Might as well just beat him to the punch.”

“’S nice y’met someone Buck. You’re a loner but I don’t think y’like it much.”

“I thought I was fine, a couple of nights drinkin’ with you and Lee, but yeah, I do like hanging out with him. It might even be what you and Lee think, eventually. Right now it’s just – I don’t know what it is.”

“Doesn’t have to _be_ anythin’. Just somethin’ that makes you smile. That’s where me n’ Carol started, just havin’ a nice time doin whatever we were doin’. We didn’t let anyone push us into labeling it. It just happened. Makes you smile, that’s what’s important Buck. Especially after years of brutal war an’ loneliness.”

“You’re a pretty observant guy Matt. Yeah, war’s hell.” Bucky watched Matt season and place the burger on the grill.

“True it is. Don’t leave ya, so ya might as well live around it.” Matt started preparing the onion rings, “I’ll bring it out when it’s ready.

“Thanks man.” Bucky backed out of the kitchen and moved to clean up after the first customer who was getting up to leave, and to help the new customers. A rush it wasn’t, a few people at a table, probably about to order food, he’d get to them and the newcomers, sitting at the bar ordering cocktails.

Bucky kept busy making sure his few guests were comfortable and didn’t go without, and by cleaning things that were probably already pretty clean. Each time a shadow crossed the door he’d look up. He remembered the first few weeks he’d been working here and doing the same thing, although then, it wasn’t in anticipation. He’d worried every day that the owner would turn him in for conning her to pay him under the table, he’d also worried that each new face would be one from his nightmares. Today he just wished the city wasn’t quite so big, so that it would take TJ less time to cross.

Bucky checked his thoughts as he served another customer at the bar. Matt called the burger order as TJ entered the bar, “That’s timing Matty.” Bucky said cheerfully and handed the order for the table over to Matt.

“Thanks man, I’ll serve this when it’s up, so you can have your lunch. I can cover the bar after, too, don’t worry ‘bout a thing.”

“Thanks Matt.” Bucky replied, “Hey TJ, this is Matt, master-grill sergeant. Matt, TJ.”

“Matt, your burgers are,” TJ’s eyes looked to the heavens, making a euphoric face, “and those rings! Bucky’s showing me how to fix healthy food, but you _have to_ show me your O-ring secret.”

“Hey TJ, glad to meet ya, thanks! I’m glad you like it. I might have to say ‘no way’ on the rings, state secrets…” he winked.

“Funny Matty.” Bucky chuckled.

“I kid. Any time TJ.” Matt said over his shoulder as he headed back to the kitchen.

“I might have to steal him for The Dome.” TJ taunted, “State secrets…”

“Don’t do it. I need him.” Bucky brushed a kiss on TJ’s jaw, “Hungry? Either your timing or his is perfect.”

“I’m tellin’ ya, I need him for The Dome, timing is just one of his gifts.”

“No.” Bucky said lightly, “Besides, I thought you were in charge of entertainment.”

“What’s more entertaining than good food?”

“You are. Come on, we can sit over here, that way I can see the door until Matt comes out to cover the bar. You don’t mind an interruption or two?”

“Are you kidding? I expected more than a couple of interruptions, like maybe a ‘hi – here’s your food – bye’. Nothing against you, just I thought, maybe you’d be busier. Maybe someone should look into a way to increase daytime traffic? Do they make enough to stay open all day? I mean, the place could do better reducing hours a bit.”

“TJ, you're off work, you don’t work here and stop. I’m going to take a _break_ from the place.” Bucky placed his hand on the small of TJ’s back briefly before TJ sat.

“Sorry.” TJ blushed, “I know, I get so involved. I don’t want you to lose hours, but I don’t want you to lose your job either.”

“I know. It’s ok, I do understand. I think the questions you’ve asked have all been considered. I know that staffing was cut back already, there used to be a couple of us on each shift, plus Matt. Now that’s just nights for safety and weekends out of necessity. This is just you and me talking, right? I mean…”

“I don’t believe you think I’d sell out secrets you tell me.” TJ said, his brow furrowing with the weight of the implication.

“I don’t think that, I’m sorry TJ. I’m used to keeping my head down and not getting involved, I should just keep on doing that.”

“No,” TJ put his hand on Bucky’s, “I’m sorry, whole other world going on with that statement, and you’re not the type. I’m sorry Buck.”

“I know.” Bucky turned his hand over and clasped TJ’s, “It’s so different since I met you. Everything is just more complex. I don’t say that as a complaint. I like some of the twists and turns we’ve taken together.”

“Already.” TJ’s frown was still in place, “I’d hate to complicate your life any more than I already have.”

“You’re not, I said complex, not complicated.”

“Don’t let’s start arguing the difference in the two.” TJ said with the first hint of smile. “I understand you’re using the tendency for ‘complicated’ to mean negative where you’re wanting complex to make me feel special.”

“Oh, you’re a tricky one. You might be right.” Bucky said quietly. They finally started eating the food sitting in front of them.

“These rings are so damned good.” TJ said, making his same euphoric expression from earlier. “You sure I can’t steal him?”

“No. If you’re really nice to me I might let you hang out with him long enough to learn to make them yourself. I might have him omit an ingredient or two to stop you from stealing his recipe for your club.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I wouldn’t.” Bucky agreed. “I also don’t believe you’d do that.”

“Good, because I was about to doubt you knew anything at all.”

“Sometimes you’d be right.” Bucky laughed.

“Shut up.” TJ said, biting into his half of the burger. Bucky just kept quietly laughing; he ducked his head and bit his lip trying to stop. TJ smirked and rolled his eyes as he tried to chew. “You’re such an asshole.”

“I've been called that twice today, and both times I was being nice to the person who said it. I guess it’s just another term that no longer means what it’s supposed to.”

“No, it means you need to start hanging around with nicer people.” TJ sobered a little, wiping his mouth with his napkin, “I’m sorry, that’s such a horrible way to treat someone you care about.”

“I know you care TJ. You get uncomfortable and maybe a little upset whenever I bring up my, what would you call it? An affliction? Brain damage? It really is you know. Simply put.”

“I do get uncomfortable and a lot upset, but not because of any way you refer to it. It’s because it _happened_.”

“I know sweetheart, but it did and if anyone has to be realistic about it, it’s me. It’s like you and your addiction. You have to face it to fight it. You make jokes, call yourself a junkie to my face, but I hate that word because to me, you’re a warrior. You fight with what you have, and humor is one of those weapons.”

TJ’s face grew warm, he felt like somehow he should be able to sink into the seat beneath him and become invisible, yet he felt a bit more proud than embarrassed. For Bucky, someone he respected _so much_ to call _him_ a warrior, it was a high compliment. “Thank you, that’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to me, you keep topping your previous nice-to-TJ moments you know?”

“I just call it as I see it.” Bucky answered as he took a couple of onion rings from the plate. “You know I’m not just saying things to be nice to you, right?”

“No, I know. I just mean that was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me and really meant it.”

“I can’t believe that, I think I’m glad I’m not in a position to meet these people who are supposed to love you, if they can’t tell you the truth when it’s good as well as when it’s not so good. I shouldn’t talk badly in reference to your family, it just bothers me that they think hurting you will fix your problems.”

“I think you’re officially my biggest fan.” TJ grinned.

“I think it’s more than that.” Bucky admitted.

TJ couldn’t imagine that _it_ was what he wanted it to be, he counseled himself to believe it was simply a matter of friendship. It would hurt less when Bucky left. He knew that even though everyone always left him, maybe Bucky wouldn’t do so because he wanted to, only because he needed to.

“Is everything ok? What happened with the schedule change?”

“Lee, looking out for me again. She’s switching shifts, wants me to take the days and her have the closers. She’ll be safe or I wouldn’t even consider it. She wants me to spend more time with the shelter dogs and you & Eddie.”

“Is that ok for you financially?” TJ’s concern touched Bucky.

“Yes TJ, thanks for asking and for being concerned.” Bucky brushed his fingers over the back of TJ’s hand on the table, “I usually pull the double shifts so that I’m not entirely alone with my thoughts. I can replace a shift with your company not only will my mind be occupied, but so will my heart.”

With continued comments like this, TJ was going to have a hell of a time keeping his head and heart going in the same direction. “I won’t complain about the extra time and Eddie… he’s gonna love it too.”

“That dog? He’s forgotten all about me since he met you.” Bucky teased. “I’m glad, because he deserves someone like you.”

“I need to go make him officially mine. Would you mind if I did it this afternoon? Or would you rather I wait?”

“I would kind of like to be there. I mean, I want to vouch for you and it would just be nice to be there.”

“Ok, I thought since you invested so much in ole Eddie, you might want to be part of his adoption, I’m anxious to make it official, could we do it in the morning?”

“Yes. Would you like to walk the dogs too? I mean I was planning to take a few of them out in the morning, I haven’t since the day Eddie came home.”

“I think I would like that.” TJ smiled, pushing the last of the rings and fries toward Bucky, “Have some more of these, I’m just eating them because they’re close.”

“Today will go down in history as the day we tried to top each other worrying over who ate what, and when.” Bucky chuckled.

“Ok so we’re being over the top. You know you’re the first in a long time to be concerned. I guess everyone figures I’m an adult who can feed himself but can’t go into a bar and not come out fucked up.”

“So, then there’s me, I know you’re capable and I check up on you anyway.”

“I’d rather be checked up on for nutrition than substance abuse, at least it shows universal concern and not just suspicion. I want to thank you for switching things up. I like that you care. It’s nice.” TJ fidgeted with his napkin to keep from saying too much, from projecting his deeper emotions.

“TJ, I’ve told you in about seven different ways today alone just how much I do care. When will you stop being surprised by it?”

“I…” TJ licked his lips nervously, his heart was thumping so hard, and it felt inflamed and trapped in his rib cage. “I just... I don’t know what to say.”

“You’re terrified. I understand. I am too. I keep telling myself that I can’t feel this way because I’m going to lose you like I lose everything.”

“It won’t happen.” TJ said resolutely.

“No, you can’t say that. It will.” Bucky stressed.

“No. Even if you have to leave, I’ll still love you.” TJ said, the words tripping from him without his control.

“You’ll be alone.”

“No. I won’t be, because as long as you’re somewhere safe and loving me, and I’m here, safe and loving you, we’re not really alone.”

“That’s a very nice way to look at it.” Bucky forced a smile as his heart kicked his chest with rapid hits.

“I’m depressing you and you have to go back to work. Way to go TJ.”

“Stop. You weren’t depressing me; I’d say it was the other way around. I’m the one who brought it up. I like what you had to say. I do have to go back though. Are you going to be ok til I get home?”

TJ liked how easily ‘get home’ rolled off Bucky’s tongue, “Yes. I’ll go rescue Eddie from his crate and take him out, then we’ll see what trouble we can get into together while we wait for you to come home. I’ll probably poke around my computer, listen to some audition files I’ve been putting off for The Dome, and you’ll be there before I know it.”

“Do you ever play live there? At The Dome?”

“Occasionally. It’d be pretty high risk for you to show up there.”

“I’m pretty good at stealth. I’d like to see you perform live, you’ll have to let me know when you do play next.”

TJ grinned, “I’ll let you know, but don’t let being with me make you drop your guard.”

Bucky stood up, bent to TJ’s ear and said “I’ve been living paranoid for a long time and I’ll have to go back to it again someday. Let me have this. Don’t ever shoulder the blame if I have to run, or if I get caught. This was something I decided to do for myself.”

“You're the boss.” TJ said as he made a mental note to remember that, if and when either of those very unpopular possibilities came to light.

“Relax, TJ. I’m keeping my head down.” Bucky rubbed TJ’s shoulders. “I’ll be home around 7, earlier if Lee has her way. Are you going to spend the rest of the day fixating on this topic?”

“No, I’ll definitely not be worrying about you. Not even a little.”

Bucky smiled softly, “We need to stop thinking about the inevitable. Find a movie for tonight, something extremely escapist.”

“Ok, that, I can do.” TJ agreed, putting his hand on Bucky’s, “I guess your break is over, I should go relieve Eddie.”

“Yeah, gotta get back to it. Thanks for stopping by, seeing you made my day.”

“Same.” TJ finally smiled, rising to leave. He hugged Bucky and brushed a kiss along his neck as he pulled away. “I’ll see you later.”

Bucky didn’t let go of TJ as quickly as he probably should have, he didn’t care who saw or what they thought, he’d already kissed him. “Promise me you won’t dwell on it.”

“I promise I won’t let it be my only thought today. I can’t promise more than that. I’ll take Eddie to the dog park, which will help distract me.” TJ put his hand on Bucky’s neck and pulled him back in for a proper kiss, and let his fingers linger, brushing his thumb over Bucky’s collarbone before stepping back and tried to smile reassuringly, “Later. You be careful.” TJ said as he backed away from Bucky a couple of steps before turning toward the door.

“You too.” Bucky turned to see Matt with a sloppy sideways grin on his face. “Nothing from you.” He sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“Not a peep.” Matt smirked. “He’s gone over you.”

“I said “nothing” Matt. That means shut it.” But Bucky was grinning.


	16. Chapter 16

TJ drove home thinking about the things Bucky had said, not about the inevitable, that was not a promise he wanted to break. He didn’t want to think too hard about days without Bucky. What he thought about was the number of times Bucky said nice things to him.

He tried so hard not to focus on the things that could be construed as love, he didn’t want to push another relationship where it wasn’t destined to go, but the way Bucky talked to him and treated him wouldn’t let him drop it.

When TJ walked through the front door, a sharp bark greeted him. He smiled. “I know Eddie, I _know_.” Eddie was sitting in his crate when TJ entered the bedroom, he was waiting as patiently as a dog knows how, his rear end wiggling on the floor as his tail strummed the bars on his crate. “Ok, I know, it’s been a long few hours. It’s just you and me now.”

TJ’s smile just widened as the dog stepped out of the crate and pushed his big head against his thigh. “Come on, let’s go outside. We’ll go to the dog park and I’ll send pictures of you to my mom. That sounds like a start, right?”

He couldn’t believe he was just conversing, one-sided, with a dog and grinning like a fool, but it was a good feeling, one that lasted as long as it took to get to the sidewalk.

“TJ.” He heard Jacob’s voice before he recognized him, the sun silhouetting the man.

“Jacob, hey.” TJ tried to keep his mood light.

“I was bringing your stuff by, they said you’d already left The Dome, you haven’t come to get it.”

“Well, it was probably mostly junk anyway.” TJ said quietly, looking at the slender blond in Jacob’s convertible. “You’re taking your chances with the rain the way it’s been.” He said, nodding toward the car.

“Well, it’s supposed to stay clear, hopefully through the afternoon.” Jacob stood between TJ and the passenger door of the car, as though blocking man from view would erase his existence. Nana was right.

“Hey, so I’m on my way out, gotta walk Eddie here.”

“Woah, that’s a monster you’ve got there, pit bull?”

“Nah… Well, you know what? I’m not sure. Edgar, here, is a Boxer mix, which means we’re not sure how much of a _philanderer_ his ma was. He could be mixed with a pit.” TJ’s comment struck home, just as he’d expected. The smile he gave wasn’t entirely polite. “As I was saying, if you could leave the box on the back step, I’ll get it when Eddie and I get back.”

“I could just run it upstairs.”

“No. You know? I think you should give me the key. It’s not a good idea, strange people Eddie here doesn’t know coming in. That could be dangerous. I’ll take the box up when we’re done. Thanks for bringing it by though. Nice meetin’ ya, I’m TJ.” TJ called over Jacob’s shoulder to the passenger who was hiding his face behind his hand.

“TJ,”

“Jacob, I can’t be friends with you, not right now, maybe not ever. I’d give you the benefit of the doubt that things started after you broke things off, but if that were the case you wouldn’t be barricading the view of your _friend_ there. If we were, friends, you’d introduce me to your new _friend_ not bring him by as you drop off my stuff while asking to go up to my apartment. I don’t want you – or him – in my apartment. I’ll take my key and ask you again to please drop the box on the back step.”

TJ watched as Jacob angrily stalked back to the car, tugged the key fob from the center console, and wriggled his key off the chain. TJ stood behind Eddie as Jacob stalked back toward him with his shoulders squared, and Eddie growled. The fur on his back stood up in a faux Mohawk and the dog continued to growl. “Take it down a notch, you’re making the dog nervous.” TJ warned as Jacob did a little double take.

“Call him off TJ.”

“Jacob, settle down, you got angry. Just relax and he’ll relax. He knows, he uh, thinks you’re threatening me.”

“Do you?” Jacob didn’t back down.

“No,” TJ hesitated, “but the dog does. He’s on a leash and I’m not going to let him hurt you, but you need to calm down.” TJ called to Eddie and the dog’s ear quirked in TJ’s direction after a couple of calls, before he sat at TJ’s command. TJ crouched and scratched the dog’s ears, “It’s ok Eddie. It’s ok.”

When TJ stood up again, Eddie stayed sitting at his side and watched every move. “Ok Jacob,” TJ said, “thank you for listening and adjusting your approach.” He took the key “I’m sorry if he frightened you.”

“I said it right the first time. Monster TJ.”

“No Jacob. Just loyal.” TJ said as he turned away and led the dog up the street. He wasn’t going to cry over any of that, he tried to tell himself as he wiped moisture from his eyes. He was going to laugh at Eddie chasing the ball he had packed in the bag he was carrying. “I got a couple of good digs in and I don’t think I came off looking _too_ bitter.” He told the dog quietly.

Once at the dog park, TJ was able to let the negative things from the afternoon slide off him remarkably easily. He tossed the ball and watched Eddie bound after it gracelessly half the time and marveled other times at his innate grace as he leapt for, and caught the ball.

This simple act of disconnecting through making a new connection was like an epiphany. He laughed when Eddie excitedly brought him the increasingly disgusting ball and nudged it into his hand every time instead of dropping it at his feet. Bucky was right. Eddie really did love TJ.

TJ took a few photos and sent a couple to his mom, one of Eddie mid jump and a really cheesy selfie of the two of them. She promptly replied “Are you really smiling? I love him already.”

“Me too.” TJ sent.

Bucky also sent a message back from one of the photos he sent to him, “Looks like he’s having the best time. Are you keeping your promise?”

“Yes I’m keeping it. I don’t even have to think about it when I’m playing with him. I do have something to tell you when you get home.”

“Are you ok? Do you need to talk?”

TJ smiled as he sent the next text, “I do need to talk to you, but it’s not urgent. I can wait until you get home. Promise.”

“Ok.” Was all he got back, he wasn’t used to his problems being someone else’s importance. It felt good to get that check in and even better, to honestly state ‘no, I’m good for now’. It was the best yet, to have someone believe him, and not be browbeaten into “just tell me already” which is usually how things went when he tried to confide in Douglas or even his mother.

TJ tossed the ball a few more times, walked Eddie around the dog park and talked to several other dog owners, including a young lady who asked if he was ok after the dog fight. Oh… the dog fight. “Yeah, everything’s fine, thank you for helping with Eddie and I hope you’re ok too?”

“Yes, thank you. It was frightening but you really stepped in and kept things from escalating. Thanks for being so quick and resourceful.”

TJ felt uncomfortable, but there was no way he could explain he wasn’t the one to step in the other day. He offered her his very own bashful smile, something he doubted Bucky even knew how to do, and thanked her for her kindness.

He called it a day after that, and sent Bucky a quick text “I need to find a new dog park.”

“What? Why?”

“Some young lady thanked me for my quick and resourceful actions in breaking up the dog fight… making her feel helpful in the process, you have an admirer.”

“She’s married and she was scared. What’d you do?”

“Thanked her for her kindness and disappeared.”

“I’m laughing at you.”

“’LOL’ would suffice.”

“No it wouldn’t, you needed to know I’m _actually_ laughing at you.”

“Jerk.” TJ smiled as he looked at his phone. ‘fucking jerk. I love you.’ He thought as he and Eddie made their way home.

TJ had nearly forgotten about the run-in with Jacob by the time they got home, but the box on the step reminded him. Instead of tears, TJ smiled at the preposterous thought of Eddie likened to a monster, as he watched the dog snuffle the contents of the box before TJ stooped to pick it up. “You’re such a monster Eddie.”

The dog sat on the step and looked up at TJ while he hefted the box, making TJ laugh. “You’re such a monster.” He repeated, shaking his head, “Come, let’s go home.”

...

Bucky worried after TJ’s last texts, even though it was clear TJ didn’t _want_ him to worry. He didn’t worry about being recognized or the dogfight. It just so happened, it was a delayed worry from the earlier text messages. What could have happened to make TJ need to talk to him? Was it something in the neighborhood? Was his mother home early? Bucky was more concerned for TJ than for himself, if he had to leave TJ right now, how would TJ fare? He was only days from his last slip and they hadn’t really given him any time to mourn the breakup of his relationship with Jacob.

That was one boy Bucky wouldn’t mind having a chat with. How could you leave your long-term boyfriend on the anniversary of both your relationship and your exclusivity? How could you not know the man you spent so much time with well enough to imagine he would consider that anniversary as important?

Bucky wasn’t disappointed when Lee showed up around quarter after five. “Hey, I came early hoping I could convince you to leave.” She said in a singsong voice.

He smiled fondly at her, “I’m glad you did. Something happened with TJ today and I’ve been wracking my brain trying to guess what it might be. All he said was something happened and he wanted to talk to me.”

“It’s gonna be OK Buck, like I said earlier, he’s gone over you.”

“I know what you said. Doesn’t stop me from worryin’. SO, I’m gonna be the asshole I swore I wouldn’t be, and I’m going to leave now.”

“Oh Buck if you were ever a true asshole I’d tell ya. You just be careful, worrying while driving, not safe.”

“I’ll push it aside. Don’t you be worried too.”

“You have to promise to text when you’re home safely. I will worry if you don’t and I’ll be lightin’ up both yours and TJ’s phones.”

“When did you get his number?” Bucky was surprised.

“When you had your thunder-bug out, he gave it to me so I could check up on you. Seems he respects your privacy and didn’t want to be accessing your phone more than necessary. Must be a president’s kid thing.”

“He’s just a good guy all around. I don’t even know what ‘president’s kid’ has to do with the guy I know. Thanks again Lee. Matt said he’d stick around til Alec gets here.”

“You got it sweetie.” Lee smacked Bucky’s rear as he walked past and gave her a fake scowl as he ducked around the bar. “Remember.”

“Honey, I have a screwy memory, but I can certainly remember to let you know we’re both ok.” Bucky said from the door. “You remember the rules, don’t take anyone’s shit tonight. Don’t hesitate to call me if you need backup. And **don’t** send Matt home early.”

“As always.” Lee smiled. “I’ll be keepin’ that big ole grizzly Matt in the kitchen and then there’s Alec the tank so don’t you go worryin’. Get. Outta. Here.”

Bucky let the back door close behind him with a chuckle, yeah he had a little family here he’d really hate to leave. Time to go find out if that was something he needed to worry about right away.

…

TJ jumped when the lock on the door clicked, he’d been lying on the sofa with Eddie stretched out next to and on top of him, and he was nearly as asleep as the dog when the unexpected sound jarred him. The movement caused Eddie to stand up, his paws drilling into TJ’s chest while he stood and growled.

“Eddie, Eddie, calm down buddy.” He whispered as he tried to figure out the noise that had startled them both.

“Hey Eddie boy, it’s just me pal.” Bucky said from the door.

TJ groaned when Eddie launched off him, using his crotch as a springboard. “Jesus dog!” TJ rolled to his side. “You scared us, jackass.”

“Sorry, should I have called ahead and startled you by phone first?” Bucky snickered as he scratched Eddie’s ears.

“No, sorry, shock of getting kicked in the balls, not your fault, entirely.” TJ mustered a smile.

Bucky sat next to TJ and gave him a quick kiss, “I have to know what this thing you wanted to talk to me about is, it’s been plaguing me all afternoon.”

“I told you about the dog park… Oh… oh, that…” TJ struggled to push the sleepy fog away and remembered what he’d pushed aside for the second time in the same day. “You were worried?”

Bucky looked at TJ with a frown, “Yes, whatever “oh that” was, it worried me.”

“Jacob surprised us as we were leaving. He brought my things.”

“Are you ok? You could have called me.” Bucky took TJ’s hand. TJ turned it over and squeezed Bucky’s fingers.

“I know, and if it had been bad, I would have. Eddie wasn’t a fan.” TJ smirked.

Bucky ran his free hand over the dogs head. “Good boy.”

“You might want to wait to hear what he did before you go praising him.” TJ said dramatically.

“Do tell.” Bucky urged. He settled back in the corner of the sofa and listened to the details, trying not to be too angry over the way things unfolded. When TJ had finished, Bucky leaned forward, praised, and petted Eddie, “Good boy protecting TJ. You’re such a good boy.”

“You would.” TJ laughed, turning to face Bucky on the sofa, sitting with one leg on the cushion, one next to Eddie on the floor, “I wasn’t in danger you know.”

“I don’t care, the dog thought you were. He’s so brave.” Bucky said more to Eddie than to TJ.

“I couldn’t believe he called him a monster. Eddie was sooo good Bucky. I mean yeah, he stood there and he growled, more menacing than when you came in, but he didn’t bark, he didn’t lunge. Just protected me from Jake’s angry stride. I admit I poked at him. I could have let him bring the box up, but he already tried to take the upper hand by stopping by and bringing his new guy along.”

Bucky’s hand moved to TJ’s leg and stayed, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, more than I thought I would be. Nana planted the idea that he was already with someone and I think I sort of accepted that before I had a chance to get too angry about it. She’s usually right about that stuff, and as much as it hurt? Maybe somehow I knew it was more to me than it was to him. I know I cried on you, and I got wasted over it, but… oh I don’t know. I just realized today at the dog park that Eddie’s better company than Jacob was.”

“Eddie’s better company than a lot of us. Aren’t you pooch?” Bucky teased TJ and brushed a foot along Eddie’s side.

“Not you. You’re an exception.”

“Shit, hang on…” Bucky took out his phone and sent a quick “I’m home” text to Lee. “Lee asked me to let her know I was home. I was worried about what might be the problem and she didn’t want me driving distracted.

“She’s adorable. You’re lucky to have her.” TJ smiled. “I like her.”

“Me too, it’s almost like I have a little family. I haven’t had that in a long time.”

“Recently by choice.” TJ said quietly.

“Yeah, well, he’s got too much on me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live up to what he remembers.”

“That’s the most you’ve said to me about Steve. I’m sorry I bring him up, but…”

“But you want the best and don’t know if that means my past or not. I don’t either TJ. I know there’s something, maybe someday. With us, with you and me? Even though I’m not good enough for you, I’m selfishly taking what you give me because I want it and it’s easier. You and I started on level footing. He has many expectations. Maybe too many.”

“I understand, I think. I’m not too good for you Bucky, I worry that I’m not good enough. I'm broken too.”

“You’re more than good enough TJ. You’re funny and kind, you’re generous and attentive. You love dogs, or at least this little character. On top of it all, you have patience enough to put up with a broken old soldier.”

“You’re selling yourself short Bucky. I love the way you constantly build me up, but please never pull yourself down in the process. Whatever it is you see in me, trust me, I see as much in you.”

“You don’t know TJ.” Bucky shook his head and avoided TJ’s gaze.

“Tell me.” TJ gripped Bucky’s hands, “Anything you remember, just tell me. I don’t need to know to love you, but I think you need to say some of it out loud.”

“I wish I could.” Bucky said, “I don’t want you to look at me like you’re bound to, I don’t want you to hear the things I’ve done.”

“Bucky, I’m not fragile, I’m not innocent. I can hear anything you’ll confess to me. It doesn’t have to be now, but any time you feel like saying it out loud, I’m your man.”

Bucky shuddered and felt cold. He sighed and scooted closer to TJ, settling in at his side.

“What is it Bucky?” TJ pulled Bucky closer, regretting saying anything aloud. “You don’t have to say anything sweetheart.”

“TJ, you are innocent. I killed people. Sometimes it was clean and remote, distant through the scope of a sniper rifle, but other times it was up close, as close as we are right now. I looked into the eyes of people as they died. You can’t love someone who does that.”

“Bucky?” TJ stroked Bucky’s arm, he felt sick but it wasn’t for the reason Bucky would imagine, so he did his best to control the sound of his voice, “Back in the war, as a soldier, you killed people, right? If an enemy got close, you’d have to do what you had to, to survive. This was just an extension of that war. Unfortunately, you fought a war you didn’t sign up for, by force, but everything you did was to survive. Your survival instinct is so strong that you lived through torture. Every kill was part of the torture that _they_ forced you to endure. That survival instinct brought you to me, to Eddie and to Lee. It brought you through to the other side so that one day you will see your friend, your first love again.”

“That doesn’t make what I did right TJ.”

“No. It doesn’t. What it does, is explain why you did it. Everyone has a reason for what he or she has done, yours is that you were tortured and abused. Hydra led you to believe you were doing right and when they couldn’t do that, they silenced the part of you that could fight back. When you look at things in that light, the things I have done have absolutely no earthly explanation, ‘why did you get high TJ?’ ‘Because, I didn’t know there was another way. Or, I didn’t like what I saw. Or, I was lonely and wanted attention.’ You survived tortures no man should be able to endure and I couldn’t survive childhood in the public eye. How do you even start to love me Bucky?”

“Because you’re tender and kind, you are fun to be with, and you apparently either have a huge blind spot or you are incredibly forgiving.” Bucky closed his eyes as TJ’s hand soothed the chill simply by smoothing over his arm through the light cotton sleeve. “You finally picked up on my hints. I do love you TJ. But you deserve better.”

“I can’t possibly deserve better than a super soldier who saves dogs and ‘pretty, drunk socialites’ in his free time. You’re a hero Bucky, one day you’re going to have to face that.”

Bucky huffed, disbelief and disdain mingled in the sound. “I’ll never be a hero TJ.”

“Oh, that’s right, you sling a mean drink.” TJ smiled into Bucky’s hair before kissing the side of his head. “Maybe your comment about Gypsy curses wasn’t so far off, maybe your great-grandmother was cursed by Gypsies and that’s why you wound up here. What could the 19th Century Mrs. Barnes or… What would they have done to land you here on my sofa with sad thoughts?”

“Maybe it was one of my great-grandfathers, maybe they stole a goat, or slept with a husband. Maybe they, too, were bisexual and it was sorely frowned upon. Maybe they loved someone as kind as you and it was taboo.” Bucky settled in more comfortably against TJ, laying his head on TJ’s chest, “You were too drunk to remember the gypsy comment. I thought.”

“It came to me and I liked it. You’re funny.”

“I’m glad you approve, but your judgement is askew.” Bucky smiled as TJ’s fingers traced the shape of his ear and smoothed his hair.

“I say we go lie down and we can talk more about this gypsy curse.” TJ said, “Shoes off, comfortable and lazy. We’ll make an exception tonight and order pizza.”

“Ok. I’m all for all of it.” Bucky sat up slowly. “Thank you TJ.”

“I love you Bucky, I’ll do anything to help you with your personal crises. You’d do no less for me.” TJ reached for his phone and called his favorite pizza joint.

Bucky called to Eddie to get him to move off their feet, “let’s go in the bedroom Eddie.”

 

Bucky was sprawled across the bed, comfortably dressed in sweats and a t-shirt when TJ came in, TJ touched Bucky’s bare foot and pressed his thumb into the arch, “I hope my usual is ok I didn’t stop to ask.”

Bucky leaned his head against the headboard and sighed as TJ continued to massage his foot. “I’ll eat anything. You should have picked up on that by now.”

“Yeah, I kinda noticed you seem to just enjoy food. I think you’ll like this place, best pizza around here.” TJ sat at the foot of the bed and took the job at hand seriously. He watched as Bucky’s face expressed his pleasure. “If you want a movie or something…”

“I’d like to listen to music, something…”

“I know just the thing.” TJ said as he pulled his phone from his hip pocket with one hand, not stopping the massage of Bucky’s foot with the other, “I have the perfect “just over it” playlist. Trust me?”

“Always.” Bucky answered as the soft strings started then with mild vocals joined. TJ crossed the room to set his phone on his nightstand before settling back on the foot of the bed facing Bucky.

The song played in the background as TJ resumed his massage on Bucky’s other foot. He watched his own hands flex and roll over the ball and arch of Bucky’s foot. He looked up as the Cranberries’ “Linger” rolled through to its end to catch Bucky’s gaze. He allowed a tender smile to tug at his mouth. The next song that started almost threw him, he hadn’t remembered putting this song in his playlist, but it was a nice one. One he didn’t know how he’d listen to again if Bucky had to leave. TJ found himself singing along with Cyndi Lauper with “Time After Time”

Bucky couldn’t stop listening to the lyrics and he couldn’t hear them without thinking of Steve, and Natalia and now TJ. He looked away when TJ looked at him, singing the soft repeated chorus. His eyes burned and the tears trailed over his cheeks.

TJ crawled across the bed and sat against Bucky, “hey, I can turn it off?” He offered as Chili Peppers started to play ‘Under the Bridge’.

“No, music is supposed to be emotional. It’s not bad, I promise.” Bucky put his arm across TJ’s shoulders, tucking him against him as if TJ was the one who needed the extra care. TJ shifted and put his hand on Bucky’s chest, feeling the steady rise and fall and the strong thump. He moved his thumb slowly over the cotton and settled his head against Bucky’s chest.

“If you’re sure. I could find something a little less melancholy. I didn’t realize my “over it” list was quite _so_ emotional.”

“I like it. Reminds me I’m not the machine I was designed to be.”

“I might have to veto the whole idea by the time pizza arrives, because tears and pizza isn’t any combination I’d recommend.”

“By the time we’re ready to eat, we’ll turn a movie on.” Bucky agreed. “Meanwhile, what other melancholy songs does your playlist have in store? I want that one, _Time After Time_. It makes me think of people I love.” Bucky tightened his arm around TJ briefly.

“Ok, it’s on the list. We still need to do that.”

“Let’s shoot for tomorrow. Probably. I don’t think either of us will get half as emotional tomorrow right?”

“Let’s try not to.” TJ agreed with a smile that Bucky couldn’t see but he knew was there.

Eddie knew the pizza was there before the knock came, “Hey pal, it’s been a day for all of us, hasn’t it?” Bucky said softly as TJ hurried to get the door. Eddie let out a second bark and sat next to Bucky on the bed. “It’s ok Ed. I think we’ll even sneak you some toppings, don’t tell the shelter, because tomorrow’s your coming home day. Shh. It’s our secret.”

Eddie started prancing when TJ came in with a pizza box and a stack of napkins as well as two sodas. “Hey buddy, what’s he been tellin you? You don’t get pizza… no you’re a dog… dog’s don’t get pizza.” TJ said happily.

“I told him if he keeps it to himself we might give him some toppings. He knows I meant it too.” Bucky winked at TJ. “Smells good, I’m hungry.”

TJ stopped the music and flipped the television on. A movie had already started but was only a few minutes in, so TJ left it and climbed onto the bed. “You get nothing if you beg…” he said with a commanding voice. Eddie sprawled out next to Bucky’s feet with his face on his paws.

Bucky laughed softly, not wanting to startle Eddie, “That’s not quite begging, right TJ?”

TJ smiled, “not quite. But he has to wait until we’re through. Sorry Eddie, don’t give me those eyes. You wait and we’ll save you some good stuff. He really shouldn’t have this stuff Bucky.”

“I know but it’s just going to be a little bit and just this once.” Bucky mimicked Eddie’s face.

“Fine.” TJ rolled his eyes and pulled a slice from the box, tugging at the strings of cheese.

Bucky took a big bite and rolled his neck “mmm. Damn you’re right TJ, this is good pie.”

“I’m glad you agree. I haven’t ordered in a while, but this seemed right.”

“Mmm-humm, perfect.” Bucky said around the mouthful of tasty food. They settled in and watched The Mummy.

Bucky looked at the almost empty pizza box and then at TJ when the movie ended, “You finished?”

TJ nodded and drained the last of the soda from his bottle, “Yeah, are you going into the kitchen?”

“Yup, thought I’d clean up, you look about ready for bed, and I’m not sure I trust this guy to leave what’s in the box if we fell asleep and left him to his own devices.”

“I’m fine, actually I was going to ask you to bring me some chocolate.”

“That sounds easy enough, do I get some?” Bucky asked, taking the bottle from TJ’s fingers.

“Of course, you can have anything in the house. You do know that right?”

“I do. I was trying to be polite.” Bucky ducked through the door with the pizza box, followed by Eddie. TJ heard him giving pieces of cheese and little bits of crust to Eddie in the other room.

“You’re always polite you know.” He called through the doorway.

“Don’t want to wear out my welcome, TJ. I’d hate to help myself to something and find out it wasn’t mine to have.” Bucky peered through the door with a raised brow. He tossed the chocolate to TJ.

The candy landed in TJ’s hand with a slap and he shook his head, “you’re not going to wear out your welcome and ‘you can have anything in the house’ means anything you’d like.” He opened the wrapper and bit off a corner of the chocolate bar, “I understand that’s counterintuitive, but that’s just how it is here. Trust me, I don’t expect the same in your apartment…”

“You’d better. I have nothing to hide from you TJ. You practically saw all I own that day anyway.” Bucky crawled across the bed and kissed TJ’s chocolatey lips.

“I did, that day and this morning.” TJ laughed running his hand down Bucky’s torso and resting it on his hip.

“Oh, I should have known you’d store that image to ruin me with later.” Bucky chuckled as he sat next to TJ, picking up the television remote.

“Yet you’re beyond ruination, you’re beyond temptation.” TJ moped, resting his head on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky’s laugh continued, “You’re very persistent. I love that.” He twined his fingers with TJ’s “You’re also very patient. Thank you TJ.”

“It’s the least I can do.” TJ said tenderly, “You can’t fault me for trying.”

“No, you’re right, I can’t. Are you still planning on going to the shelter in the morning? We should take Eddie so they know he’s still hale and hearty.”

“Yes, walking dogs and making Eddie legit. My only two goals for tomorrow. I did consider packing a bag and putting it at your place so we don’t have to worry about it next week when my mom’s home.”

“Good plan, can you bring that box back here too? It’s in the wardrobe, I think I told you that already. I’d just like to ensure they’re safe.”

“Yes, I’ll bring the box here and tuck it up in my closet. That way you’ll know where it is. Your memories?”

“Yeah, the earliest. When the helicarrier went down and I pulled Steve out of the river, things started picking at my mind, I filched a notebook and started writing like my life depended on it, and maybe it did. Things I thought were memories that I needed to confirm, feelings I couldn’t resolve. Images of places I didn’t think I should know and him. His battered and bruised face. One has names, names of people I killed, their families so that I could try to redeem myself. Names of people who tortured me, so that I could pay them back. I didn’t though.”

Bucky looked down at the top of TJ’s head, expecting him to look up any second, to shame him, but when TJ looked up, he was smiling. “Of course you didn’t. It still doesn’t hurt to remember their names.”

Bucky ruffled TJ’s hair and kissed his head, “You’re an amazing person TJ.”

“No, I’m just a normal guy Bucky, and so are you.” TJ sat up and gestured to Bucky to lie on his chest. Bucky curled up to him and let TJ fold him into his arms. “You’re a beautiful, normal guy and I love you.”

“I love you TJ.” Bucky said sleepily as TJ’s fingers massaged his scalp and threaded through his hair.


	17. Chapter 17

Bucky woke to TJ’s alarm, he was lying on TJ’s chest, and TJ was sprawled across the bed in any spot that either he or Eddie weren’t occupying. TJ was facing away from Bucky, and his mouth was softly open. Bucky reached for the phone and stopped the alarm before lightly kissing TJ’s neck, “Hey sleeping beauty.”

TJ was in that half waking-half sleeping place, the alarm was dreamlike but then Bucky moved and he felt the soft kiss. He smiled and brought his hand to the mass of hair that tickled his skin along his collarbone. “Mmm. Hey.” He said drowsily.

“You set an alarm, time to wake up.”

“Yeah, gotta go walk dogs, or something.” TJ stretched from his feet to his shoulders with a yawn.

“Walking dogs and adopting this sleepy lump.” Bucky corrected. “He fits in here nicely. Takes up a lot of bed space though.”

“I noticed.” TJ sat up against the headboard smiling, “He knew we needed the extra backup.”

“You mean me. I was feeling pretty sensitive.”

“It’s usually me who has those feelings. If he’s as in tune with me as he is you, he’s going to have his work cut out for him.” TJ looked thoughtful, “I hope you don’t feel like you’re not entitled.”

“I don’t know what I think of the way things went last night. It’s not something I usually entertain. I feel better for talking about it, you were right in that.”

“Recovery. It taught me that – it’s easier to tell someone else to let go than it is to let go though. I suspect you’ve learned that too.”

“Yup. You know the same applies, right? Any time you want or need to talk, I don’t care if you feel like it won’t ‘measure up’ I will listen. I want to be that person for you.”

“I know.” TJ brushed his fingers along Bucky’s bearded jaw. “I’m sure you’ll regret it one day.”

Bucky chuckled at the goofy grin that followed, “never TJ.”

“Ok, you remember that.” TJ’s grin faded to a smirk and he slipped from the bed. “I’m gonna shower, you hang here with lazy dog and enjoy the tiny bit of extra room on the bed. Then it’s your turn.”

“Yes boss.” Bucky smiled, “Don’t use all the hot water.”

“You could join me, less water used that way.” TJ almost blushed at the look he got. “There I go again.”

“Brash” Bucky smirked as he watched TJ disappear into the bathroom.

“Can’t fault a guy for tryin’.” TJ called as he started the water.

TJ was under the shower’s spray when he felt Bucky’s fingers slide over his shoulders. “I don’t know what I’m doing in here.” He heard Bucky whisper on the back of his neck.

“You don’t need to do anything.” TJ said as he turned. He looked Bucky over, “We can just share the space, if that’s…”

Bucky stepped closer, his chest touching TJ’s his metal fingers sliding along TJ’s neck, the water soaking both of them. He gently pulled TJ into a kiss, only slightly distracting him from the slight brush of skin against skin as Bucky’s hip made contact with his. Just barely distracting him from the graze he was sure wasn’t hip and couldn’t be hands.

TJ put both hands on Bucky’s shoulders, gripping flesh, and sliding over metal, the assault on his lips was more intoxicating than any drug. Bucky nipped and licked at his mouth, TJ returned the urgent kiss. Bucky pulled away and he followed, reclaiming Bucky’s lips between his. Bucky pulled away again, “TJ.” He breathed.

TJ looked at the pink, swollen lips before tearing his gaze to Bucky’s eyes. Tears and confusion painted Bucky’s gray gaze.

“Hey.” TJ held Bucky close, wet, silky skin under his fingers was slick and warm. “You don’t have to do anything.”

“I thought I could.” Bucky said softly into TJ’s neck.

“This is just the beginning sweetheart. Let me show you how wonderful it can be with zero expectations. You still trust me?”

Bucky sighed, “yes, always.”

TJ worshipped Bucky’s body with hands coated in luxuriously scented shower gel. He kissed hollow spaces and massaged tight knots loose. He wasn’t clinical, nor was he predatory when he tended to more delicate areas, he smoothed his fingers over Bucky’s hip and looked to him for rejection or approval. Bucky closed his eyes, but other than that made no objection.

Bucky put his hand on TJ’s shoulder as TJ carefully washed him; he felt the stirring and steadied his breathing. He’d been handled and washed roughly and never felt anything, he’d thought he would endure the bathing with the same distance but feeling TJ’s hands lovingly caressing every inch of him with the woodsy fragrance wasn’t distant or impersonal. “TJ.” He breathed.

“It’s ok.” TJ knew from the slight change in Bucky’s grip on his shoulder, that he was unnerved or uncertain about something, “Tell me what’s troubling you.”

Bucky inhaled and looked at the ceiling, “this isn’t normal.”

“I’m not sure which ‘ _this’_ you’re referring to, I’m going to sound weird for a second, I’m sure.” TJ’s voice sounded as careful as it did when he asked what was troubling Bucky but Bucky heard a little humor in his last comment.

“You’ve been aroused before, right?”

Bucky nodded, his eyes never leaving the ceiling.

“Can you look at me sweetheart?” TJ’s voice got soft. Bucky closed his eyes and when he opened them again, they were moist but his gaze locked with TJ’s

“What’s not normal? Two men together?” TJ noticed a slight shake of Bucky’s head, “Showering together?” another shake.

“I never… I was never aroused when they bathed me.” Bucky said, a strangled sob tinting his voice.

TJ’s heart ached as he pulled Bucky into his arms, “It’s ok, and it’s ok to be embarrassed, but you don’t have to be. You’ve never been bathed by me, sweetheart. I know you’ve never been intimate with a man, but surely you remember being touched by a girl, and being affected?”

Bucky’s forehead nodded against TJ’s shoulder and Bucky felt TJ’s body rock with his chuckle.

“Well then, you know it’s sensitive and it likes what it likes.” TJ smiled.

“If you ever tell anyone about this I’ll kill you.”

“You would not. But you also said you trust me, so you know I’ll never tell.” TJ laughed joyfully. “Nice threat though sweetheart.”

Bucky looked at TJ, appalled with himself for his choice of joke, hearing TJ laugh made the feeling a little less intense, “Sorry. Not the right kind of joke coming from me.”

“Nonsense, you’re human, you get to make lame jokes and not have to apologize. Let me wash your hair and then you should go get dressed so I can finish.” TJ’s smile was tender, “Ok?”

Bucky brushed light kisses across TJ’s lips and over his jaw, “I’m sorry, I should have stayed in the other room.”

“I hope you don’t really mean that, and I hope it wasn’t unpleasant.” TJ said as he stopped pouring the shampoo into his palm.

“No, it wasn’t. Just not fair to you.”

“I’ll admit, being with you is going to be my greatest exercise in patience, but I can do it for you Bucky. I don’t think of this as unfair to me at all. What’s unfair is what you had to live through. As long as something like this, showering together, is _not_ a discomfort, I want you to feel welcome to join me. Would you sit here, let me do this for you?” TJ gestured the bench in the stone shower.

Bucky sat, looking at TJ’s hands. TJ cupped Bucky’s jaw with his empty hand and tilted his chin until their eyes met. He then rubbed the shampoo between his hands until it lathered and he smoothed it through the length of Bucky’s hair, scrubbing his scalp and lathering the lengths. Bucky watched TJ’s face as he caringly washed his hair and he smiled. “You like this.”

TJ smiled and kissed Bucky’s forehead just below a trail of bubbles, “I do. I like your hair and messing with it. Do you? I mean, do you like it?”

“Yes, you haven’t done anything I don’t like.” Bucky replied as he settled his hand on TJ’s neck near his shoulder. He squeezed lightly and ran his thumb over TJ’s clavicle.

“We’ll take things slowly.” TJ pressed a brief kiss on Bucky’s mouth and then kissed his jaw, rubbing his nose against Bucky’s whiskered cheek. “Rinse please.”

Bucky set his hands on TJ’s waist to direct him aside so he could stand and moved under the flowing water. The soap slid down his face and neck before he felt TJ’s hands sliding through the wet soapy strands.

TJ felt chilled when Bucky stepped out of the shower, he watched him wrap a towel around his waist and drape one over his head. Slowly, the chill dissipated.TJ hurried through his shower, watching through the glass as Bucky toweled his hair dry.

“I hope you don’t have any negative feelings after showering with me Bucky.”

“TJ, that was the gentlest treatment I can recall being subjected to, coming in just slightly better than the last time you were so generous with your amazing massages. I only have good feelings about being with you.”

TJ turned the water off and stood drying himself. “I’m happy to hear it.” TJ said as Bucky hiked his jeans over his hips. “Do you get good tips based on the way those things hug your ass?”

“Yeah, and the thin, tight sweaters and t-shirts too. When we’ve got customers.”

“Did you figure out the tight clothes angle yourself? Or did Lee clue you in?”

“Lee got me in a tighter pair of pants, but the shirts I figured out on my own.” Bucky said through the collar of his shirt. He tugged it down over his belly, hiding the last exposed skin from TJ.

Bucky observed TJ watching him. He felt bad for essentially leading him on, but he couldn’t rush. He was just relieved to hear TJ offer him time and peace. When there was no longer anything for TJ to watch, Bucky leaned against the counter to watch TJ dry his skin.

“I’m sorry TJ.”

TJ looked up, “for what?”

“All of this. You’re just out of a relationship, I know there’s something between us, I just…”

TJ stepped into his underwear, waiting for Bucky to continue. He pulled on his jeans and Bucky was still quiet.

“Bucky.” TJ took Bucky’s hand and tugged him closer, “I’m fine, we’re fine. Taking our time is smart, you’re not tormenting me in any way that I can’t survive.”

Bucky looked at TJ’s smirk, “It’s not cool to lead you on and then…”

“You’re not leading me on. You’ve been very forthright about not being ready. When you joined me in the shower, sure, I had a hope, but there was no expectation, because you’re right, I am just out of a relationship, and you deserve more respect than that. So, I haven’t been slighted in any way that deserves an apology.”

“TJ, you’re very understanding.” Bucky said quietly, “How is it you’re still single?”

“Nobody recognizes just how charming I can be.” TJ answered before kissing Bucky’s cheek and turning to put his shirt on.

“You’re very charming. They just need to look at you to know that.” Bucky moved toward the door.

“Maybe I’m too good at chasing them away. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the world I typically live in, you haven’t been graced with the political spotlight. Thank god.”

“If I could, I’d like to think it wouldn’t chase me away.” Bucky called through the door from the bedroom.

“One day I hope to make you prove that true.” TJ said as he followed. “One day you’ll have to smile at the cameras.”

“Today is not that day. Let’s get this dog adopted.”

“What? No breakfast?”

“For you? Or for him?” Bucky smirked, “Ok, I’ll fix it today, but tomorrow you’re doing it. So set your alarm for earlier.”

Bucky fixed a quick breakfast burrito for each of them and handed TJ his as they were walking out the door. Eddie was extremely attentive to them both, probably due to the eggs and cheese.

TJ worked on the idea to get his mom to help Bucky. He was well aware that it was still a long way down the road, but if there was a possible plan in motion in his head, maybe someday he could tell Bucky about it and enlist the most powerful woman in the world. This man had suffered enough, running and hiding were just more punishment. Even if he never did end up with TJ, Bucky should be able to choose when he hid from the public and when he didn’t have to hide from anything.

“You’re thinking again, dreaming something up.” Bucky said after TJ was silent for nearly two-thirds of the way to the shelter.

“I am. I’m just trying to put the pieces together to one day get you a bit of extra freedom. I know, it seems futile right now, but one day it’ll be the best damned plan at the perfect time.”

“You’re going to get my hopes up.” Bucky warned, but his voice was gentle, “Or yours.”

“Definitely mine. I’m not sorry. I’m the son of the fucking president. That should be able to count for something. Especially if I have to live a secret life just to be with you, after being open and out for half of my life, to go back into the shadows just because someone abused you? It’s fucked up Bucky.”

“It is. You know I’m not ready for what you’re planning.”

“It’s ok, because my plan isn’t ready either. I told you, and I mean it, I won’t act until you’re ready and you agree. Unless you’re caught, then I will throw myself at her mercies, I will have no shame.”

“You’re a dramatic little shit.” Bucky chuckled as he turned into the gravel parking lot behind the shelter. “Probably a good thing you let me drive.”

“You’re hilarious.” TJ sulked briefly. “I’m sure my dramatic tendencies are my best features.”

“You’re right. That and everything else about you, but your dramatic trait was my first introduction to you.” Bucky got out of the car and gestured for Eddie to follow him.

TJ got out of the car and took the leash from Bucky. “Well, they won’t reject me will they?” TJ asked shakily.

“I doubt it, TJ. I can’t imagine why they would.”

“I’m easily rejected Bucky. Maybe they have a no addicts policy.” TJ stopped in his tracks, even though Eddie tugged the leash. His palms were clammy and his heart sank, “I should have looked it up or something, maybe they don’t think I can give him a good home.”

Bucky bit the inside of his cheek to check the laugh that threatened, he wanted to point back to the dramatic comment from just minutes ago but what he did instead was to stand in front of TJ and put his hands on TJ’s shoulders. “TJ. You’re already giving Eddie a fantastic home. They let me, a liar and an assassin take him for the week with my ‘say so’ that I was a good person. Are you sure you’re ready for a dog? Is that what’s frightening you?”

“No! I mean yes I’m sure, no that’s not the problem. You don’t understand, I’m the poster boy for rejection.”

Bucky looked at TJ, tilted his head, “TJ, I’m the poster boy for anything that can go wrong. I’m sure rejection is in there too, so you don’t get the crown, sorry sweet. What you are is afraid. It’s ok. As long as you’re sure about Eddie, let’s go get the papers taken care of. You fill them out and I’ll go find a couple of critters to take walking. Come on, you can do this.”

TJ looked at Bucky, swallowed the fear and took a deep breath, “Ok.”

Bucky planted a kiss on TJ’s forehead, “Ok.”

They walked around to the front of the shelter, Bucky greeted the girl behind the counter, “Hey Sara, This is my friend TJ, he’s fallen for Edgar here and needs some adoption papers. Who needs to get out this mornin’?”

Bucky turned around to see Eddie staunchly refusing to come inside and TJ standing uncertain in the doorway.

“Who needs to get out in addition to Eddie?” Bucky amended.

Sarah looked over and saw the sight Bucky did, “Oh Edgar. I’m so sorry, he really doesn’t like it here.” She apologized to TJ. “We’re nice, I promise.” She smiled weakly, every time a kennel stressed dog was around potentials she worried that it would undermine their willingness to adopt the animal.

“I don’t doubt it.” TJ said sympathetically.

“I’ll go grab one of the fellas and take them out this way with Eddie.” Bucky offered.

“Good plan, Patch and Sonny are next up, they’re good together if you can manage them and Edgar, otherwise, Patch first. Thanks Buck.” Sara said cheerily.

Bucky disappeared into the back “TJ, I’ll get your papers ready and you can fill them out as soon as Edgar is relieved of his stress.” Sara offered.

“Thanks. Could we update his name on the documents to Eddie? Seems like it fits him.” TJ replied.

“Sure. Buck’s got you doing it too huh?”

“Yeah, well I figured what he answered to would be best and he seems indifferent to Edgar.”

Bucky came out with two dogs one small the other medium, about a head shorter than Eddie. “Patch, Sonny, this is TJ. He’s takin’ Eddie off your hands. You be nice to him, maybe he has friends he can send your way.”

TJ stooped to pet each dog, getting sniffed and licked in the process. Eddie was still sitting outside the door, facing away from the building when Bucky took his leash from TJ. TJ stood up and Bucky winked, “you got this.” He said quietly before taking the three dogs, “come meet me when you’re done, we’ll be walking along the river.”

“K, see you in a bit, I guess.” TJ walked to the counter with his hands free, Sara was taking a call but smiled as she set a pen on the clipboard. If the space would have been busy, he’d have crossed the room to a chair but it wasn’t so he took up the counter real estate as he answered the questions, expecting to find a section on drug use and convictions. His stomach did flips as he read and scrawled an answer to each of the questions.

There was a smoking question, he said ‘no’ because when he did smoke it wasn’t in the house. There were questions about vet services; thank god he had that info from his mom’s dogs on his phone. References, Nana, Mom, Buck (?), Dougie(?). Where would the dog sleep? What hours would the dog be alone? He answered every question and signed the application.

Sara took the paper and immediately called his references. Oh, yes she found out as she called his mother and looked at his name on the application to ask his _reference_ about his reliability. “Mister Hammond.” She said with a hint of surprise.

His stomach dropped, was this going to be judgement before she even spoke to a single reference? Was he doomed by his name and his past? He listened as she talked to the assistant who answered and then to his mother. Who apparently gave the poor star struck Sara her credit card number to pay the adoption fee. It was a few moments between phone calls before she was able to call Nana. She looked at TJ as his grandmother spoke loudly over the phone, he heard a few words, ‘sweet kid’, ‘hard working’ (TJ cringed), ‘nurturing’. Douglas was next, and TJ walked away to look at the bulletin board because he hadn’t even sent his brother a text to say he was thinking about a dog, this wasn’t going to go well.

Sara ended her call and called TJ over. “How has Eddie been these past few days?”

“He had a rough time the first night, it took an hour to get him up the stairs, and then he sat in the middle of the living room for a good portion of the evening. That is, until there was food activity in the kitchen. He was curious enough, then, to try to find out what was what. It took a couple of days before he would go into the crate, but now he goes in on command, and will go in voluntarily just to rest. He does like to sleep on my bed though.”

“Is he eating well? What kind of food are you feeding him?”

“He’s been very treat motivated, he gets small liver treats for big training things but otherwise just his food, the recommended brand he came to the house with. He’s had a bit of cheese from the kitchen and a carrot or two. He was interested in my eggs this morning, but he was relegated to his kibble.”

“I see your veterinary information is on here, do you have any previous pet records with them?”

“I don’t, the vet was recommended to my mom for her dogs, I’ve got the information on my phone because I’ve had to take them for their vaccinations before. Eddie will be my first official dog. I’ve grown up with them, you see, but this is new.”

“Are you aware of the pet ordinances in your community and is your landlord aware you’re going to be adopting a pet?”

“Yes, I’ve been researching to get a dog over the past several months and I am aware of the ordinances, we won’t be violating any of the stipulations. The courtyard at my building is fenced in and dogs are allowed, but he’s not left unattended. The property owner is aware of and likes Eddie. There’s a dog park not too far from home, which is where we take our walks and Eddie loves to play fetch while we’re there.” TJ felt like this inquisition was going to end in his broken heart.

“I’m sorry, Sara? I understand these questions. I get how they’re an important part of the process. I appreciate that you have to be concerned with the health and wellbeing of the dog, but can you please give me a little hint at how I’m doing? I am in love with Edgar, Eddie- any way you put it I’m in love with him and I’d like a hint.”

“Mister Hammond, I do have procedures to follow, I know the written and verbal questions seem redundant. I understand. Usually the prospective adopter isn’t already so connected to the animal; you have to understand that the lack of connection is why these questions are important. I’m personally very happy you’ve had a chance to see Eddie in his happy place, because anyone who would visit him here only saw a broken and tormented animal. I apologize that I have to ask the same questions of you that I would a stranger off the street who has spent fifteen minutes with an animal. However, I am done with the questions and I’m happy to tell you that your application is approved.”

TJ had to replay what he heard, and even then, he had to ask, “I’m sorry, did you say?”

“I said Eddie can go home with you. To stay. Your mother was insistent on paying the adoption fee, I hope that’s ok?”

“I knew she wanted to. I figured she’d be able to make it up to me.”

“OK then, I’ll just run the fees on her card and then if you can come back before you leave, we’d like to get a picture of you and Eddie for our wall.”

TJ thought about it as he hurried to find Bucky and the dogs, he was going to get Sara to take one single picture of him and Bucky and Eddie with his phone before they left. Just his phone, not their camera where it could be seen by anyone. He saw the dogs circling Bucky and him laughing and since it was present in his thoughts, he pulled out his phone and took a bit of video of the sight. As he got closer, he took a couple of pictures and then pocketed his phone.

“Hey!” he called and Bucky looked up, tilted his hat back just enough to see and smiled.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

“I thought I was going to die. The process is horrible, written questions, verbal questions. You know who questions you multiple times? People who want to trip you up on your answers. I know! I’m an addict!”

“Calm down, I see the dramatic mood hasn’t left you yet.” Bucky handed Patch’s leash to TJ, “Walk Patch, he’s dramatic too. So, you didn’t answer my question.”

“You getting nervous?” TJ’s mouth twisted in a mean smirk.

“Yeah, a little. Can’t say they haven’t turned applicants away before.” Bucky admitted.

“Well don’t be, we’re a family now.”

“I’m so happy for you TJ.”

“For us. _We_ ’re a family Bucky.” TJ insisted.

“I’m happy for us, even happier for you. You did it.” Bucky smiled. “You faced the horrible questioning process successfully. I can be happy for that.”

“My mom actually paid for it, she came through.”

“You didn’t expect it?”

“I didn’t tell her it was happening so, no, I didn’t expect it. I thought that later I’d mention it and see if she was still serious, but she gave them her credit card info when Sara called for a reference. I put Dougie down too and they called him, I never even mentioned it to him. I thought for sure he’d tell them I wasn’t a good prospect, I’m sure he’s going to call before the afternoon is up.”

“If you didn’t think he’d give a good reference, why did you put him down?”

“I needed three, I started to put your name, but I didn’t know if I should. I mean I don’t even know what your full alias here is.” TJ said quietly, “I guess he said all the right things.”

“I think you knew he’d come through, you just weren’t through being dramatic yet.” Bucky smiled warmly, “You could have called me in too you know.”

“I know. Your support and introduction probably helped anyway.” TJ stepped closer to Bucky, bumping his hip, “and you’re going to be calling me dramatic all day aren’t you?”

“Dunno. You gonna be dramatic all day?” Bucky hip-checked TJ back.

“Depends.” TJ smiled, looking out over the river, “When’s your next day off?”

“You mean in addition to all the ones I’ve just had?”

“I mean when is your next day off? I want to plan a day trip to the beach.”

“I work today and the next three days.”

“Can I convince you not to take any shifts for your day off?”

“I have three days off, and I won’t take any shifts on any of those days.” Bucky would _absolutely_ not take any shifts, since TJ had suggested a road trip his wanderlust had started sending him postcards.

“Ok, then we’ll do it without rushing.” TJ beamed. “I’ll make plans today after I go to The Dome. I’m playing there the night before we’d leave by the way. If you want to put yourself in a more precarious position. I haven’t told mom, and I won’t if you want to come.”

“I don’t want to make you choose between me and your mother, TJ.”

“I’m not, I mean she’s seen me perform at the club before, and you sounded like you were eager to put your head on the chopping block just to see it, so…”

“Stop talking like that, I’m not trying to get caught, won’t get caught. You’d never even know I was there if I didn’t want you to.”

“I’d know.” TJ said, sure of himself even though he knew Bucky could probably do it, it just seemed to TJ that he could _feel_ Bucky’s presence and risking sounding like a loon, he said so, “I’d feel you there.”

Bucky smiled, he was sure TJ believed it, and it was a delightfully cheesy thought. “I’m tempted to test your theory. You know nobody would know I was there if I didn’t want them to.”

“You said that. I still say I’d know.”

“You magic, Hammond?” Bucky teased.

“No, no such luck or I’d fix everything somehow. I’d start with me and then I’d fix your situation and… well I’m not so I don’t really have a plan.”

“Well, it’s in the water somewhere, people with abilities are coming out of the woodwork, see what you can do huh?”

“Hah. I think that only one person per face gets some kind of ‘ability’. You beat me to it and now I can’t fix it.”

“Is that how it works?” Bucky smirked, “Then how is it you’ll know a master assassin is hiding out somewhere in your club?”

“I told you, I can’t explain. I’d just know. You can go on not believing me all you want. Maybe it’s because I’ve jacked up the circuits in my own brain with chemicals and we’re on a similar wavelength.”

Bucky’s brow creased and his mouth turned downward, he couldn’t discount the possibility. He knew the patterns to TJ’s thinking felt familiar, a broken pathway repeating a negative thought process until it could be jarred like a skipping record. “I don’t like that explanation.” He said darkly.

“I don’t either. It just came to me, I didn’t put it there. I mean, I guess I did by way of getting high, but I… Forget it; come see me play if you can be safe about it. Help me plan the road trip. Let’s talk about good things.”

They were back inside the Shelter a few minutes after the conversation broke off, TJ tried to get Eddie to follow them inside but they discovered that again, it wasn’t happening. “You go in, take care of the pups. Sara wants an adoption photo, and I’d like her to get one of both of us with Eddie. Just on my phone, if you would??”

“I will.” Bucky smiled fondly, “If you make sure I have it too.”

“You got it. We ok? Things got a little weird back there.”

“It was just something you said, sounded familiar. We can talk about it when we go, it’s not you, and it’s not bad, honest.” Bucky brushed his thumb across TJ’s bottom lip, “Trust me?”

TJ bit his lip, not happy that he said something that would put a scowl on Bucky’s face, but yeah, he trusted him, “Always.”

“Ok, I’ll get Sara let me put these guys to bed.” Bucky’s smile was matched with a raise of his eyebrows, an encouraging gesture.

“Ok, go,  we’ll wander the yard.”

Once the formalities were through, they loaded an eager Eddie into the car, TJ buckled in on the passenger side and let Bucky drive again. “So, what made you have the scary face?” TJ asked.

“Scary face?” Bucky looked at TJ briefly, “Oh, I think you’re referring to the moment you gave me unhappy things to think about.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s the one.”

“It’s just, I don’t like thinking you’re in any way screwed up like me, and to think you did it to yourself, that just makes me a little angrier than I’d like to be.”

“You’re angry because of what damage I did to myself before you ever knew I existed? Boy you’ve got balls.” TJ felt the blood rush to his face, anger covering for his embarrassment.

“Emotions are hard for me TJ, I’m still working on the proper application of them in situations. Be angry with me if you’d like because it’s your emotion. Your right to feel.” Bucky pulled to the side of the road, his anger making it hard to concentrate, “Yes, I’m angry that any fool would poison their brains and turn them into the shithole I live with, and that they’d do so voluntarily. I’m angry that I didn’t get to choose, and I’m angry that anyone _would_ choose it.”

Bucky looked up to see tears falling over TJ’s cheeks.

“Doesn’t mean I resent you for your choice. My anger is my problem, not yours TJ.”

“I never thought of it that way.” TJ’s own anger subsided in admitted confusion. Eddie was prancing in the back, probably from the heightened emotions; TJ reached back and scratched his neck, cooing at him.

“When you said what you did about the circuits in your brain, all I could think was nobody should be able to identify with me, it’s a horrible place to be, and because it’s you, TJ.” Bucky put his hand on TJ’s thigh, to connect with him and to reassure him, “Because of the way my tricky emotions are telling me I feel about you, it makes me maybe a little more upset than I would be otherwise.”

TJ gripped Bucky’s hair and pulled him into a kiss, a passion filled kiss unlike anything they’d shared before. Bucky lost his train of thought, but the panic that usually accompanied the complete abandonment of cognitive thinking, wasn’t there, just a euphoric feeling.

TJ relaxed his fingers in Bucky’s hair and nipped his lip playfully before looking at Bucky. “I’m sorry. I can honestly say that any time I ever think about doing drugs again, your fear and anger will be the first images in my head.” TJ rested his forehead against Bucky’s. “Your kisses are getting more and more difficult to resist.”

Bucky pulled the car back onto the road and as he drove, he thought about the kiss, his mind filled with images of hot kisses in dark corners when he and a girl wanted to indulge in heavy petting, and he realized that kissing TJ was different and similar at once.

“Penny for your thoughts.” TJ said after a long, quiet spell. “Although after your last confession, maybe I should be less eager.”

“I was thinking about kisses.” Bucky’s mouth turned upward. “How yours measure up.”

“and do they?” TJ smiled.

“I need more data to give a definitive answer.”

“Well, it’s a shame you have to go to work then. I could think of nothing I’d rather do than help you gather data.”

“You sure about that? We just about went to blows.”

TJ smirked at the stupid ‘brother knows best’ look Bucky was giving him. A look he was more than familiar with from Douglas. He rolled his eyes before answering, “That wouldn’t happen for many reasons. You’re not abusive. Your anger was perfectly channeled, and I was arguably more hurt than angry.”

“You’re right, it wouldn’t happen. I’d never raise a hand to you as long as I have control of my own actions.”

“If you didn’t have? Would I know?”

“You’d know that faster than you’ll ever know if I’m hiding out at The Dome. You’ll know to avoid me, because I won’t be _me_.”

“Where do _you_ go?” TJ regretted the question before it was completely out, Bucky’s jaw tightened and he swallowed hard before answering.

“The best way I can explain it is I’ll be tied down and gagged, screaming to stop, screaming at you to run, but it’ll all be in my head. If you ever see me looking _empty_ , **don’t** call any attention to yourself. It’s unlikely you’ll ever be a target. Stay down, stay small and stay out of the way.” Bucky glanced at TJ, “Promise me.”

“I’ll do what you say. I promise.”

“Not distant, not like the other day with the storm, that’s different, you’ll **know** _empty._ You’ll be afraid, listen to your fear.”

“I’m kinda afraid now.” TJ said, almost sassily, but mostly out of a healthy fear of what the man he was falling in love was capable of.

“Of me?”

“No. I’m not afraid of you. I’m kinda scared of what you’re implying.”

“Good. Be very afraid of what I’m implying. Be wary and remember…”

“Stay down, stay small and stay out of the way.” TJ repeated.

“Yes. I would rather face death than the possibility that I hurt you. If I’m ever _him_ , you call Steve. I have faith you can get that information.”

“Why? Because my mom’s the president? You have a lot of misplaced faith if you think she would give me anything.” Even TJ wasn’t delusional to believe his mother would give _him_ Captain America’s contact on a whim.

“If you tell her that you’ve found the Winter Soldier and you’re in danger, she’ll give you Steve’s info. If anyone is taking me out of this world, TJ, I choose him to do it.”

“That’s mean.” TJ thought of how much that would hurt Steve Rogers, Bucky had told TJ that Steve was looking for him. It was one of the things he’d told TJ that hadn’t actually surprised him. They’d been close and Steve would so obviously want to reach out for his best friend, the only person who’d been with him from the absolute beginning. Maybe the man he loved too.

“It’s not mean. He can stand up against me, and he cares for me. I know that he won’t torture me, he’ll just take me out, and he won’t let anyone get their hands on my body. Not again.”

“I hate this.” TJ said quietly.

“Worst case scenario. I love you TJ, and I want you to know what you’re dealing with so that it’s not a horrible shock if it happens. I say _if_ because I believe in possibilities now.”

“It’s a horrible shock now.” TJ said through tears.

“I know baby.” Bucky said, as quietly, “Another thing though, because we’re talking about it and we keep _not_ talking about it. If I ever tell you to leave, you leave. You don’t “but Bucky” me, you don’t turn those sad eyes at me. I’ll only ever order you to leave me if you’re in danger. I don’t want you to have any second thoughts about me, because if you think I’m in danger, you have no idea just how much danger _you’re_ in. Don’t be valiant and try to fight, just. Leave. I’ll come and find you when it’s safe.”

“If it’s safe.”

“When. I can’t guarantee how long it will be before it becomes safe though, so if you tell me you can only wait so long, I won’t return. If you can wait a year but not a year and a day, I won’t come back on day 366.”

“What if I can wait a thousand years?”

“I won’t come back on year 1001.”

“You’re cheesy.” TJ swiped more tears from his face but he was smiling.

“Yeah.” Bucky agreed, turning into the parking lot at the bar. “You love that about me. One last thing. If I don’t come home, whichever place I’m supposed to be coming home to, wait 48 hours before you go to my apartment. If you find me incapacitated, do not come near me, just call Steve.”

“What if you’re dying and I could help you?”

“What if I’ve been compromised and I hurt you? Or kill you?”

”I hate this.” TJ pouted, “Why did we have to talk about this?”

“Because I need you prepared to protect yourself. If you protect yourself, you’re protecting me. I will not survive if I wake from one of those _assignments_ and find that I’ve killed you because you got in the way. I won’t TJ. Just remember what I tell you, and I’ll come back to you. Now that we’ve talked about it, we won’t have to any more. If you promise you’ll remember what I’ve said.”

“Trust me, I don’t think I’ll ever forget.” TJ got out of the car and let Eddie out.

“Are you ok? Will you be ok today?” Bucky walked around the car and put his hand on TJ’s shoulder.

“Good question. No, I’m not ok. I’m so removed from OK. But no, I won’t blow it Bucky. Trust me?”

“Always.” Bucky smiled at TJ, “Will you bring Eddie when you come pick me up? I’d like Lee to meet him.”

“Yes. I think I’ll take him for another walk before I go home, maybe wander through the Whitehouse gardens, try to collect my thoughts. I’ll send you pictures to distract myself from some of those thoughts, and then I’ll take him home.”

“What about The Dome?”

“I’m gonna reschedule. I’ll practice at home for the show, but I don’t want to go in there today, part of my promise that I won’t blow it.”

“I’ll get Matt to send you a recipe for lunch. Take an actual break, sit down, and eat. Promise me?”

“Ok. Therapy?”

“A little bit, therapy, self-care, I don’t know. Something modern and self-serving –in a good way, maybe I have the wrong term.”

“I get it.” TJ smiled, dipping his forehead to Bucky’s clavicle, Bucky rested his head on TJ’s for a moment before tucking his finger under TJ’s chin to get him to look at him.

“I love you, remember what I said, but don’t dwell on it. It’s one of those ‘back-of-your-mind’ things. This afternoon, maybe you can send me some info about our road trip; I’d like to read it on my break.”

“Ok.” TJ brightened a little. “I can do that. I’ll do that after our walk, before rehearsal.”

Bucky tugged TJ closer by the waistband and kissed him, “That’s more like it.” he winked. “If you need me, call. If you need help, call someone. You’ve got your sponsor, me, and Lee.”

“I know, the night we met aside, I know the ropes. Don’t worry. Please don’t be distracted by me, you be safe and make lots of tips.” TJ couldn’t school Bucky on telling him how to handle a crisis, not when he knew Bucky felt responsible for putting him in a compromising position. “I’m pretty sure taking the day slowly and making plans for the shore will be therapeutic enough to get me through til I have to come pick you up. I love that you’re on my side.”

“I am. I’m on your side and feel like an ass for leaving you.”

“Don’t. Go to work and don’t think any more about it. Any requests for the show? I’ll add it to my set list.”

“If I think of something I’ll text it to you.” Bucky’s fingers lingered on TJ’s waistband.

“Perfect.” TJ smiled, feeling better about the prospects for the day, “You should head inside.”

Bucky kissed TJ again and hugged him tightly before agreeing. “I’m going.”

“Love you Buck.”

“I Love you TJ. You be safe too, you got that?”

“I do, I will. After all, you need a ride home.”

“Funny.” Bucky backed away, “you’re a real cut-up, you know that?”

“I’m thinking of adding it to my performances.” TJ answered, waving, “Hey, you forgot to say g’bye to the dog.”

Bucky came back and crouched in front of Eddie, “You’re so quiet and easy going, I forgot to say g’bye. You keep an eye on this guy Eddie. He might need some extra love today, can you do that?”

The dog answered Bucky’s tone of voice with kisses on his fingers and on his cheek. “I’ll hold you to that, pal.” He smiled as he stood, he pulled TJ into another hug, “Let the dog do his job, you have only one responsibility today as far as I’m concerned. Take care of yourself.”

“I’m good sweetheart.” TJ said quietly before Bucky pulled away. “I promise.”


	18. Chapter 18

Bucky went into the bar with a heavy feeling in his chest, he hated the way TJ reacted to his instructions, he had allowed the subject to be turned away so often because he didn’t want to talk about it either, but he knew TJ needed to know what to do. He was already endangering him more than he ordinarily would, just by being around him.

He was greeted by Matt with an easy smile and few words, which was typical. As he got into the swing of things, Matt disappeared behind the kitchen door. When Bucky went into the kitchen for garnishes, Matt looked up, “Hey, you ok? Seems like you’re a ghost of your usual self.”

A rough chuckle shook Bucky’s shoulders, “you don’t know the half of it. Nah, man, I’m ok. I scared TJ a little today, telling him how dangerous it is to be around me.”

“PTSD?”

Best Bucky was going to get, closest he could come to the truth. “I guess.”

“He doesn’t care if you’re dangerous. Maybe he likes that kind of thing?” Matt quipped with a wink. “I mean the bad-boy thing. That’s a thing right?”

“He doesn’t see me as dangerous, or as a bad boy. He’s just coming to terms with what put me in this predicament. He’s sensitive, which I kind of like myself. I didn’t know sensitive was my thing, but I love the hell out of him.”

“Fallin’ fast. It’s worked in the past, I say go for it. Did I see a boxer out there?”

“Yeah, that’s Eddie. TJ made it official today and rescued the poor guy from kennel stress.”

“That your foster? He’s a good lookin’ dog. Looked decently mannered too, can’t even imagine why those dogs are abandoned like that.”

“Yeah, he’s the one. I knew he’d like TJ I just didn’t realize how much TJ would love the dog. This makes things nice for me, because Eddie has been my favorite.” Bucky idly flipped the knife he had been trimming garnishes with, “If you decide you and Carol are looking for a dog, let me know, there’s a run on good lookin’ dogs lately.”

“Might just.” Matt watched Buck’s hand and knife action, he knew the man had seen combat, didn’t much like to push, that this man was skilled wasn’t in question, he wondered how well he did with a knife or if it was just a trick learned from too much time in the hurry-up-and-wait of being stationed in the desert. “You ever miss with that thing?”

“Nah, hardly ever.” Bucky smirked when he realized what he was doing. “Cool trick, huh?”

“Yeah, you got all yer toes?” Matt grinned.

“Nope, missin’ two.” Bucky lied as he backed through the door with trimmed fruits and vegetables in hand. “Why I walk this way.”

“Lyin’ bastard.” Bucky heard from the kitchen and laughed. It was good to laugh about things, he decided. He could be proud of his skill with the knife; he’d had that before Hydra had turned off his humanity. He could keep it and he _would_ joke about it.

. . .

TJ drove through the security checks politely addressing regulars and not-so-regulars, smiling against his will as the compliments about Eddie filled his heart. “Just wanted to stroll through the garden” he lost count how many times he’d answered. At least he was able to keep his smile genuine.

TJ’s walk through the rose garden was even more peaceful than he’d hoped. The spring blooms on the magnolia trees sweetened the air, and his disposition. He let Eddie off the leash to work on walking with him and to gauge and work on his recall. TJ was grateful for the peace of the place, he was always glad he was allowed to come here.

Thoughts from their conversation couldn’t be avoided, but TJ focused on the reason behind the dark conversation, Bucky was protecting him, he was helping him in case something happened. Just as TJ knew first aid and CPR _in_ _case_ something happened. He’d never had to use the knowledge. He didn’t need to worry, just plug the thoughts into the place they belong, next to the CPR and first aid info.

Imagining the information tucked safely away in a box helped him, and it also made him pat his pocket to find the key. He’d promised Bucky that he’d get his box of memories. He’d better do that before he forgot. After the discussion of the morning, it was now very much a reality to TJ that Bucky needed TJ for this, and since it was painfully obvious he wasn’t going to be much good helping Bucky in one of these emergencies, this was the one way he could and would help.

“Come on Eddie, let’s go visit Bucky’s house, you can sniff everything, we’re gonna spend a lot of time there after this week.” Eddie followed at TJ’s side and TJ didn’t bother to leash him until they got away from the garden path. He was proud of the way Eddie worked with him, and he was happy that the dog liked him without expectations. ‘Oh,’ TJ thought, ‘other than treats, of course that could be forgiven’.

TJ let himself into Bucky’s apartment about an hour later with his bag of things. Looking around, TJ noticed that everything was as it had been the last time he was there. He thought it was odd to recognize that, but thought maybe, after the discussion of the morning, he should be more aware of his surroundings, just in case someone wanting to hurt Bucky were lurking somewhere. “In the wardrobe” he said to no one.

TJ let Eddie wander, watched him sniff corners of the room, and the sofa, before he pulled the Elijah Craig box out from the bottom of the wardrobe and laughed, “of course it’s a whiskey box, he works in a bar. That’ll look perfect in my closet.”

Eddie snuffed TJ’s cheek and jaw as he tried to figure out the laughter coming from his person. He pushed TJ over in his exuberance, spurring more laughter. TJ grabbed fists full of dog jowl and fur gently and rubbed his nose in the dog’s neck, “You’re a detriment to my looking anything near responsible, you mutt.”

TJ righted himself and placed his bag into the wardrobe where the box had been. He picked up the box and went to Bucky’s fridge to see if there was anything Bucky was partial to, that he didn’t have at home. He left the beer in the fridge, a whiskey box was incriminating enough, but he grabbed the wedge of artisan cheese and some of the chocolate from the cupboard next to the fridge. TJ smiled to think that his house wasn’t the only one of the two with a stash of chocolate in it. He pulled the produce from the crisper and tossed the oldest stuff, salvaging some fruits and veggies that he thought he could add to something at home, best clear out the stuff that would rot without being there daily. He’d shop with Bucky before they came back to stay. TJ took the trash out and returned to the apartment for Eddie and the things he'd gathered.

After putting Eddie in the car and the stuff in the trunk, TJ took a quick picture and sent it to Bucky, “apartment errand complete. Nice box asshole” and of course he added a winking emoji to the text.

Bucky answered immediately, “sorry, I needed a box, I was at work, didn’t think. Triggered?” and of course _he_ added the tongue-out emoji to his text.

“No, but if anyone sees it in my closet, ever, the irony would be lost on them.”

Bucky sent back a text with just an eye-rolling emoji.

“I’ll keep it safe.” TJ sent before getting into the car and driving home. He didn’t see the return message until he had gotten home and put the box in the top of his closet, back in the corner. He picked up his phone to check the time and that was when he saw Bucky’s reply.

Bucky hesitated over the emoji, he liked them, colorful indications of expressiveness. Simple ways to communicate something that people take for granted, emotions. He liked the stupid, brightly colored things. He didn’t hesitate to use them with TJ; he’d even started putting a smile on texts to Lee. Right then, when he was overwhelmed with the satisfaction that his whiskey box full of memories was safe, in case the worst case presented itself, he wondered how  ridiculous he’d look if he tapped the little red heart.

He tapped it. The little heart bloomed in red onto the message field ready to be sent. He looked from the heart to the send button and back before giving in, he didn’t care about appearances, that was something from another lifetime, Bucky tapped ‘send’, smiled, and put his phone back into his pocket.

TJ grinned like an idiot when he saw it. The red heart, he didn’t get red hearts in text messages, nerd-faced emojis, smilies, frowns, and eye-rolls yes, but not hearts. Mom was not an emoji person, Jacob had thought it was childish and wouldn’t send (or receive graciously) emojis, Douglas was the perpetrator of eye-rolls and frowns and the occasional nerd-face. TJ had never expected emojis from Bucky but he had gotten them starting with maybe the second or third text. With Bucky, it was always smiles, and eye-rolls, because of course, TJ would encourage the eye rolls with his smartass comments.

A recipe for things that were in TJ’s fridge was the next message TJ received, and it proved to be a pretty damned good sandwich and grilled vegetable side dish. TJ entertained the thought that he was definitely going to have to steal Matt for The Dome. Not that he really would do that to Bucky. Matt made it possible for Bucky to spend the morning with the dogs and with TJ, he helped Bucky in the bar, and Bucky really liked him, so no, he could tease about it but it wouldn’t happen.

TJ sent a social media worthy picture of the meal before eating, “putting the phone across the room now. Just wanted to share a picture.” He sent along with the photo before eating an uninterrupted meal as promised. He had to admit that these small acts were good for his morale. The music playing from the stereo was some he’d curated to inspire him and to ensure he didn’t feel maudlin. It also worked to soothe Eddie to sleep beneath his feet.

After lunch, TJ forced thoughts from their discussion out of his head by pulling out his laptop to gather all of the details for the road trip to the shore. As soon as plans for travel were ironed out, he sent a link to Bucky as promised, with two heart emojis. Just because.

TJ forced himself to use the rehearsal portion of his day, he wasn’t feeling particularly creative, in spite of it, he moved to the piano. He chuckled to himself when Eddie got up, moved three feet, and circled twice before lying next to the bench. He set an alarm so that he didn’t get lost in his rehearsal and wind up leaving Bucky waiting for him. TJ was in the middle of the second song of his planned set when his phone rang. He peered over to see that it was Douglas. He considered for a moment, and decided to let the call go to voicemail. He _was_ supposed to be busy, after all.

A second ring twenty minutes later and TJ answered, knowing that at this rate it would just continue. “Dougie?”

“Hey, you didn’t tell me you were getting a dog. What’s going on?”

“Mom knew. You mean to tell me you two haven’t talked about me this week?” TJ asked amiably.

“No, contrary to what you may believe, TJ, we don’t spend our time talking about you. There’s a lot more going on in the world…” This was exactly the kind of disparaging reply to which TJ was tired of being accustomed.

“Which… is why I didn’t tell you I was getting a dog. I shouldn’t have put you as a fucking reference, I had second thoughts, but it was too late. I’m sorry. I realize my dog isn’t part of the world’s problems, just why the hell did you call if I’m so goddamned insignificant?”

“Jesus TJ, lighten up.”

“I’ll lighten up when you can call me and can actually engage in polite conversation. I’m not your emotional punching bag.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I had time to talk, you didn’t answer, and I got mad. That’s on me.”

“Damn right.” TJ pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was working when you called.”

“I went by The Dome, you weren’t there.”

“I can work at home, Douglas. I have music projects to work on and some of my work can be done on the internet. I’m spending the time trying to get my dog, Eddie, acclimated to his surroundings. You need to chill; I’ve been clean for three years before I had one goddamned slip with booze. I’m not surprised you heard about that though.”

“I hadn’t and I wasn’t being accusatory I was just, I was wrong. I can’t even talk to you without screwing things up. I meant I had an hour to spare and thought that maybe I’d come see you. I went by The Dome, and I could swing by the apartment if you’d like.”

TJ’s anger deflated, “Another time Dougie? Eddie’s gone through a lotta changes, he was really bad off in the shelter, I’d like to take having visitors slowly. You know, ease him in. Thanks for asking first, and for not asking about the other thing right away. Jacob and I are split and I took it poorly. Got shitfaced. Hit up a meeting next day and told Nana and Mom about it. Pretty much sums things up.”

“Then you got a dog? I just saw you like a week ago.”

“Yeah. Guy I met at the bar, took care of getting me home safely. He likes to help shelter dogs out, I discovered, while he was busy making sure I didn’t kill myself from alcohol poisoning. We talked later too, and he told me about this dog. When you meet Eddie, you’re gonna love him. You’ll want to go right to the shelter and get your own.” TJ decided all the truth he could muster would go a long way toward Douglas leaving him alone as requested, not just for Eddie’s sake, but also for the next few days when he didn’t want any surprise visitors.

“I’m sorry about Jacob TJ. I thought that was going to go the distance.”

“Thanks bro. I did too.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not a lot to say, he _told me_ that I was more _into it_ than he was.”

“Three years TJ, even I thought he was more into it than he apparently was.”

“He had another guy.” TJ said the words “Nana called it, when I told her what was happening. Of course, I didn’t believe her, she sugarcoated how much of a catch I am and all that, you know how she is. But she was right. I saw him yesterday. Jacob brought my things by, and the guy was with him.”

“Fuck him.” Douglas said with a touch of malice.

“Didn’t work, he left anyway.” TJ quipped.

“Not funny TJ.”

“It was a little funny.”

“Ok, it was a little. You sure you don’t need anything?”

“I’m good Dougie, it’s been tough today, so I met you with some shitty attitude. Sorry about that. I do have a plan in motion to get through the day. I’m doing much better than earlier, fixed a good lunch, planned a little day-trip to the beach for next week. I figure the dog should get out into different environments, and since I couldn’t stand to stay in California with mom, I didn’t get a lot of good beach time.”

“That’s a good idea. Maybe you’ll get some sun, have a quick fling, and feel better.”

“Maybe.” TJ smiled at the thought, though TJ knew who he’d like to have more than just a fling with, to cover his dreamy thoughts he added, “Nice to see you think I’m easy. You and Nana, always pickin’ at me.”

“Now TJ. I actually think a quick fling after three years with Jacob would be good therapy. It doesn’t have to be dirty.”

“Then what’s the point of having a fling?” Genuine humor colored TJ’s response.

“I did hear you cut things short with Mom. That was a pretty weird thing she pulled. She did try, TJ.”

“I know she did. Really, it was worth going. She and I… we talked and she was really, surprisingly supportive, even of my coming home at a moment’s notice. I might still be there if things hadn’t changed so drastically just before she asked.”

“Yeah. Douglas sighed, “how are you, _really_? **I’m** still smarting a little and I wasn’t the one in a relationship with him. I kinda want to find him and drag his ass.”

TJ smiled wide, “You don’t have to do that, he’s gonna fall on it soon enough. That kind of thing has a special kind of karma.”

“You’re a much evolved version of my brother, TJ. I’m afraid we still don’t spend enough time together. I’m sorry for my part in that.”

“If we hadn’t shared a womb, we might never have met.” TJ agreed. “We should try to rectify that.”

“You’re going to have to let me know when’s a good time to visit, for the dog and for you. You should come by, too.”

“Yeah, you and Anne get together and let me know a good time to come by.”

“I’ll do that.” Douglas laughed, “TJ, you’d tell me if anything was wrong? If you’re having a hard time?”

“Yeah Dougie, Like I said, rough start today but I’ve got tools to handle things and today’s really come together. Thanks for calling, thanks for the reference on Eddie, he’s been a real balm to the soul today too.” After hearing his name mentioned several times, Eddie came to TJ’s side and planted his head on his thigh.

“I’m glad you found something extra to help you. It could be good for both of you.”

“That’s what I hope.” TJ said, scratching Eddie’s head. “Talk soon Dougie.”

“Sooner than typical, I hope.”

“We’ll both try harder.” TJ mused, “Love you bro.”

“I love you too.”

TJ ended the call and crossed the room, looking out the window, “Nope, sky’s clear Eddie, no apocalypse…” Douglas never responded with an actual complete sentence containing the phrase, ‘I love you’. Maybe things were looking up.

TJ checked the time and discovered he still had a little bit on his side. He could continue rehearsing, or he could sit on the sofa with Eddie. He weighed his options, decided that maybe he’d play a little tonight after Bucky got home, and add extra time tomorrow.

He just wanted to relax with some music he didn’t have to produce, and his dog. That didn’t sound right, his furry friend, yeah, that was more like it. He queued some music, something different from earlier, more mellow but still not melancholy, and settled into the couch cushions before calling Eddie over. “Come on up buddy, I’ll share with you.”

Eddie leapt up onto the sofa, prancing around TJ’s legs and stood over him, “Ok, kiss me and then lay down.” TJ snickered. Of course, the prancing continued until Eddie found the perfect combination of stepping dreadfully close to TJ’s crotch and wedging himself up between TJ’s thigh and the sofa-back. He laid his big head down on TJ’s hip and it flowed over to his belly with the volume of skin and fur of his jowls and ears.

TJ idly scritched the broad space between Eddie’s ears, where his furry forehead started to slope toward his drooping eyes. He wasn’t surprised when the alarm woke him. He was just glad he had set one, because he was certain he’d have kept right on sleeping. Eddie didn’t budge when TJ reached for his phone where it beeped at him from the coffee table. Eddie sure as hell budged, however, when TJ said “Come on, let’s go.”

“I have _got_ to train you to get your own leash. We start tomorrow.” TJ smiled following the dog to the door. He pulled the leash off the key rack and fastened it to his collar. “Of course we’ll have to put it lower and I gotta get you a more respectable collar too, kid.”

Bucky was not one to watch the clock. Time had been just a matter of when to get up in order to get to work; it wasn’t something he cared to mark its passing. Not until TJ. After meeting TJ it was all different, what time would he come by, when would he call, or text? He started synchronizing the time on the neon clock with the arrival of happy hour customers, shouldn’t be much longer and Lee would show up, then TJ.

When Lee came in smiling, dressed all in black, with a flash of color dyed into the side of her close-cropped hair, he smiled back. “Hey you. I like the color choice.”

“Do ya?” She smirked, sidling past him behind the bar, she kissed his cheek getting a couple of girls at the bar to request a real kiss. “Honey, that ain’t nothin’.” Lee said, pulling Bucky to her with her hands in his hair.

She kissed him and he kissed her, his left arm securing her to him at the waist, his right hand indulging in running through her freshly cut, dyed and styled hair. “Soft.” Bucky murmured against her lips and he felt her smile. “Your hair, beautiful, and soft.”

“Yours is amazing too, Buck, and smells sooooo nice.” She said, one hand still messing with the long locks and the other squeezing his right bicep before pushing him away. “SO, ladies. Tip the man, he truly deserves it.”

Bucky laughed as the girls tipped very generously and offered more for a sample of their own. “Sorry gals, my shift’s over.” He said, meeting TJ’s gaze from across the bar, “Only one person I’ll be kissin’ after hours.”

Bucky rounded the bar and grabbed TJ in a similar fashion as he’d just held Lee, and kissed him with even more interest and much more passion. “You sure get around.” TJ said with a groan, against Bucky’s jaw.

“You saw that?” Bucky asked with a smirk, no remorse, not the slightest inclination to repentance.

“Yeah, kinda wish I didn’t.” TJ replied, Bucky searched TJ’s face, his words and his tone didn’t compute. He should sound angry, hurt, but he sounded, amused? Aroused?

“You liked it?”

“Some.” TJ half-lied, his face twisted into a frustrated grimace when Bucky grinned. Then he laughed as one of the girls at the bar came over and stuffed extra cash in Bucky’s jean pocket.

“Let me get Matt to cover so Lee can come see Eddie – did you bring him?”

“Yeah, he’s in the car, I’ll be outside with him.”

TJ had Eddie back on his leash and sitting outside the car when Lee and Bucky stepped through the back door.

“Oh TJ, your dog! He’s gorgeous!” Lee proclaimed with a big smile, “May I?”

“You’ve kissed my guy. You might as well kiss my dog.” TJ smiled.

“Well you can’t be left out, how ‘bout I kiss you before I get all slimed up with dog breath?” Lee stepped closer to TJ. “Or would you prefer to remain unkissed?”

“You missed it? Buck earned even more tips when he kissed me in the middle of the bar. I’m definitely not” TJ stepped closer to Lee, his lips a breath away from hers when he finished with a whisper, “’unkissed’.”

Lee pecked TJ’s lips, not pulling back, but letting TJ make the next move. He put his hand on her throat tenderly, and felt her groan as he explored her lips with his tongue before she gave in and kissed him.

“You’re either a really good teacher, or a really good student.” She said stepping back, “Buck’s lucky either way.”

TJ laughed at her smile, her cocky posture as she backed way. His laughter dissolved into a smile as she crouched next to Eddie and gave him even more attention than she’d given him and Bucky combined. Bucky put his hand on TJ’s back and slipped it around to his hip, “You two are very pretty together.” He whispered into TJ’s ear, brushing his lips along TJ’s neck.

“I didn’t say it, but I thought the same thing inside, about you two.”

“You ok?” Bucky had to ask.

“About that? Or about earlier?”

“Either??” Bucky shrugged, “Just are you, you know, OK?”

TJ smiled and bumped his hip against Bucky’s “Yeah, I’m ok.”

“Oh my god TJ, this dog, he’s the sweetest!” Lee exclaimed, squishing his thick jowls and peppering him with kisses.

“He is really a great dog, I’m glad he’s found me.”

“Ok, I have to get back inside, I’m so glad you brought him.” Lee stood, she came over and slipped her arms around both of them, “Thanks for bringing him, and thanks for the kisses, it’s gonna be a good night.”

TJ and Bucky hugged her simultaneously, “You be careful.” Bucky ordered, per usual.

Lee squeezed Bucky’s forearm affectionately, “You know Alec will be here before long, there’s not gonna be anything to be careful over. But thanks Buck.”

“I’d tell him the same.” Bucky told her, brushing a kiss across her cheek.

“Would ya kiss ‘im too?” She teased.

“If he wouldn’t deck me – for tips – I’d consider it.” Bucky teased back.

“You’re getting kiss-happy.” TJ groused, stepping away from both of them to put Eddie in the car. They both laughed, as Lee turned to walk into the bar.

“You two be careful drivin’ home. There, see, I’m doin’ it too.” Lee drawled. “Oh well, be careful.”

They smiled and waved from either side of the car, neither one getting in, until she was inside. Once they were both buckled in and TJ had pulled out of the parking lot, Bucky looked over, “So, you wanna tell me just how ok you are?”

TJ sighed, with a soft smile, “I am fine. Kiss was good, it was a little shocking to walk in and see you two going at it. It was a lot shocking how much I liked to watch, and I’m not entirely new to any kind of display, voyeurism, and polyamory. I’ve seen and participated in many things under the influence of some substance or other. That between you two, was just about the hottest thing I’ve ever witnessed.”

“Maybe because you weren’t under the influence of anything?” Bucky supplied.

“Maybe.” TJ considered the thought, “Maybe.”

“Matt enjoyed the picture of your lunch.” Bucky said after several minutes of a surprisingly comfortable silence. “Didn’t think you’d really do it.”

“You didn’t or he didn’t?”

“He didn’t. Thought you might just file it away for another time.”

“It was nice, it was relaxing to work through the process, and it was rewarding to eat the results.”

“Did you really put your phone across the room?”

“I did, had music going and ate lunch, thought about what I needed to look up for the trip and then thought a little bit about my set list, but I didn’t do either right then, I just ate. It was a good plan, thanks for insisting on a separate break just for eating. It’s so easy just to bumble through things. Today was actually, really good, even if Dougie did call me and get things riled up for a minute there.”

“Oh? Did you stand up for yourself?” Bucky found it easy to ask.

“I did. I forgot for a minute how to be an adult, but I checked myself. We had a good talk. Is it bad that I spent my whole day looking forward to the time I had to leave to pick you up?”

“No, sometimes you have to work toward a goal to get through the day. Sometimes the goal is the end of the day.” Bucky admitted. “I realized today that I’ve started paying attention to the passage of time. I didn’t before you. It was all about what time I had to go to work. Or what time I had to get up in order to see the dogs before I had to be at work, but nothing else.”

“Now?”

“Now, I have to factor in time to spend with you, alarms for things, how long before a road trip, how many days before I can sneak in and hear you play at The Dome. I like this, it seems more _normal_. There was a time I was put away and pulled out when needed, then put away again, like an object. I’m finding ordinary, everyday things like lunchtime visits, are crucial.”

“I really shouldn’t ask you anything while I’m driving.” TJ said, swiping at an errant tear at the thought of Bucky _just_ looking forward to menial appointments being an improvement over making sure he got to the dogs and then to work on time.

“I’m sorry, I should have kept it to myself.”

“No, please, I was just affected by it a little more than I expected. Don’t ever apologize and for god’s sake, please don’t ever clam up.” TJ put his hand on Bucky’s arm, accustomed to the firm, unyielding metal. “Please don’t let my tears be a barrier to opening up to me.”

“Maybe I should save it until we’re home then.” Bucky offered a small smile.

“If you’d like. Don’t let my big mouth put you off.”

“Anything else happen with your brother’s call?”

“He suggested coming by, which would have been fine at the time, but I wanted to be able to ask for advance notice, you know, in case we’re both home. So I used Eddie and his kennel stress as an excuse, told him I wanted to introduce things to Eddie slowly, especially visitors.”

“It is a good plan. He has gotten defensive of his property twice, protecting you from Jacob and from my surprise arrival the same day. You’re only being a responsible pet owner.”

“I don’t own Eddie, he’s my buddy.” TJ said for the second time today. “I mean, it just doesn’t seem right, he’d be a free agent if he were human.”

“Jesus, TJ.” Bucky smiled.

“What? It’s weird? I don’t care.”

“No. I just. Fuck. I love you.”

TJ was happy he’d already pulled into his parking lot, he only braked a _little_ hard stopping the car when Bucky said it like he did, so full of emotion and passion. Eddie skittered on the back seat just a little bit being jostled by the reckless stop. TJ turned the car off and ran his hands wildly through his hair and down his face, dragging tears with him. He turned his face a quarter turn and looked at Bucky out of the corner of his eye with a teary smile.

“You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.” He said comically. When Bucky’s only reaction to his joke was a furrowed brow, and dammit if that wasn’t a pout, TJ was forced to feel _really_ bad, and to ask, “ _Princess Bride_?”

Bucky’s pout dissolved into a look of helplessness.

“Ok, first things first, we’re watching the Princess Bride _tonight_. Second, really? You keep saying it and I keep hearing it but _really_?” TJ was certain his own face was a mask of helplessness.

“God yes. You haven’t believed me?”

“I didn’t want to read too much into it, I’m the one who jumps first, suffers later, remember?” TJ said, turning to face Bucky fully. “I wanted to believe it but half the time I was convinced I was hallucinating the word at all.”

The seriousness of the moment was broken by impatient Eddie licking Bucky’s jaw and then TJ’s face, he licked tears and kept licking. “Aw Eddie…” TJ groaned, “You’re such a buzzkill.”

Bucky slapped his hand playfully on TJ’s knee, “Let’s let him out of the car then.”

TJ covered the gloved hand, squeezing in spite of the metal prosthetic. “I love you.” He didn’t say ‘too’, he didn’t say it first, probably never had in this whirlwind, but he wasn’t going to say ‘too’ again as if it was an add-on sentiment.

The quiet was broken only by the panting of the dog whose head was between them and the quiet machinery working the metal as Bucky turned his hand over under TJ’s. TJ leaned to look around Eddie and brushed Bucky’s lips with his. “Let’s go inside, get dinner ready, and then we can watch _The Princess Bride_.”

“Ok, so I’m not entirely sure…” Bucky started as he stepped out of the car.

“Hold on, you’ve trusted my recommendations so far, all of them, and I watched – and even _enjoyed_ – Casablanca.”

“OK.” Bucky laughed, taking Eddie’s leash. “Ok, you win.”

TJ circled the back of the car and slipped his arm around Bucky’s waist. He could push their conversation from the morning clear to the back corner of his mind when Bucky was laughing with him. Or was that _at him_?


	19. Chapter 19

The next three days went by quickly, and dragged by, in turns. More than once, TJ had to remind himself that this was ‘the way time normally passes, really slowly, in the right order’. Complaining about it and repeating that quote got him another sideways glance from Bucky, so Bucky had been introduced to Doctor Who.

 _Not_ in the right order. He started Bucky off with _Vincent and the Doctor_ , because that was where the quote came from. The two of them wept, and Bucky begged for more. Their evenings were then dedicated to mini bursts of Doctor Who marathons peppered with internet clips from ‘Classic Who’.

“You have to realize that this is exactly what kind of science fiction I was used to, you may laugh, but that’s actually pretty advanced.” Bucky said of the old TV series.

“You’re full of shit.” TJ accused, only to taunt Bucky.

“Do your homework kid.” Bucky cuffed TJ playfully and they settled back into the corner of the sofa to watch more ‘Who’. At first, there had been confusion when TJ put the next episode on, “Wait. Ok, this guy’s a doctor too?”

“ _The_ Doctor. He’s the same man, at some point he regenerates, he’ll have a new body, you’ll have to watch it, you’ll catch on.”

By the time TJ was getting dressed for his set at The Dome, Bucky sat sprawled across the bed watching. “So your favorite Doctor is the Tenth?” Bucky asked, trying to get the numeration straight more than the faces, “I like the ninth, I think. That Eleventh doctor is weird and quirky and I really enjoy him too.

“You picked the two worst looking…” TJ said from the bathroom as he double-checked his hair.

“TJ that’s so shallow of you.” Bucky called back, “I thought you were better than that.”

“I can’t help it, I like the one who’s slim and a little bit foxy.” TJ came back out, buttoning his shirt. “How do I look?”

“Slim, and a little bit foxy.” Bucky parroted. He pushed his stockinged foot against TJ’s thigh. “You’re nervous?”

“Yeah. Nervous about you getting into trouble. Tell me you’ll stay home with Eddie and watch more Doctor Who. You can watch your weird and quirky favorites.”

“I want to watch my _favorite_ ‘weird and quirky favorite’.” Bucky answered, tucking his fingers into TJ’s belt loops, and pulling TJ close enough that TJ’s shins, and knees bumped the bed. “I’ve been getting around for a while now without getting into trouble. You said yourself your parents and brother are at a function an hour-and-a-half from here. I don’t see how anyone else could cause us any trouble.”

“Before me, you kept your head down, worked double shifts, showed your face at the shelter in the early hours, and stayed home. You didn’t get around to high-profile clubs to watch high-profile club-partners perform.” TJ complained, running his fingers through the ends of Bucky’s hair. He put his hands on Bucky’s neck and linked his fingers behind Bucky’s head. “I don’t want to lose you yet.”

“You won’t. I promise. Besides, you still have to prove to me that you know I’m there. What will you do to acknowledge me?” Bucky asked, leaning back against TJ’s hands on the back of his neck as he looked up from his seat on the bed.

TJ tugged Bucky forward and kissed his forehead, “I can’t stop this can I?” he smiled when Bucky shook his head. “I know you’re going to be the death of me.”

“No. That, I won’t allow.” Bucky said firmly. “You’re confusing the types of danger, my love.”

“I think you are forgetting what danger feels like. One of these days you’re going to wish you’d kept your head down.”

“You need to stop worrying about me, so that you can work your magic. Go.” Bucky pulled TJ’s hands from behind his neck and turned him by the waist. “Don’t make me boot your butt outta here.”

“You’re impossible.”

“That’s my secret, don’t let it get out.”

TJ left feeling conflicted, he wanted Bucky to hear him play, but that could be accomplished in the living room. He knew he was being ridiculous. Bucky might be gentle and loving, but he’d lived the life of a warrior, even after he was free of Hydra’s clutches, he’d thought and lived by a similar code. He could do what he claimed. He could sneak in and out and not be seen, as long as he didn’t forget and let that gentle, loving side trip him up. That was where TJ’s worry lie.

Bucky waited until he figured TJ would be getting to the club, he knew there would be time between TJ’s arrival and the start of the performance. He left as the sun was dropping over the horizon, the sky blazing red with swoops of clouds painted with rich hues of gold highlights and purple shades. He parked down the street and took the back alleys, at home with the feral cats in the shadows.

When he reached the rear access lot of The Dome, he surveyed the camera positions and spotted the blind spot. He’d have to let TJ know about it. He expected someone would come through the back door either for a smoke or to empty trash, and his timing couldn't have been more perfect. He stayed in the shadows as the waiter smoked his cigarette, and slipped through the door behind him just in time to hear the start of what he knew was the second song on TJ’s set list.

TJ had stopped worrying about Bucky the moment he laid his fingers upon the keys. He allowed music to pull him from his cares. He hoped he’d really know when Bucky arrived. He hoped that if he didn’t know it meant that Bucky had changed his mind. The first song flowed into the second as he’d rehearsed it over the past few days and he had all but forgotten he had an audience.

After the fourth, just before his final song, not certain if Bucky had shown up and a little disappointed in his own boasting, TJ saw a flicker off the stage. He played the final song knowing he’d been wrong to boast so fully, and relieved that Bucky didn’t make him wait until he got home to let him know he was there. The smile on his face couldn’t be dragged off as he completed his set and socialized the prerequisite amount to please those who’d come to see him, and made his excuses as quickly as he could, amazed that this wasn’t the first thing he wanted to be doing.

Bucky watched and listened from the dark cover of the curtained off stage, not a rustle in the curtain, just a keen ability to see through the coarse weave and watch TJ shine. He would have loved to be sitting at the center table or even the farthest one, to hear the first song through the last. Instead, he escaped the way he came, before the final song began. He listened to the sound of the music as he took his leave, straining to hear it even after he was out the door and up the block.

Bucky didn’t expect TJ home until late, he figured he’d celebrate his show and wind up closing The Dome. He was lying on the sofa, lazily scratching Eddie’s ear and watching his second Doctor Who episode since coming home, as the key scraped into the lock. He looked at the sound at roughly the same moment Eddie did. “It’s ok buddy, that’s just our TJ.”

“Did I hear my name?” TJ smiled peeking through the open door. “Look at you two. You missed quite a show.”

“Oh but I didn’t. I saw most of it. Didn’t you know? You said you’d know.” Bucky said with laughter in his voice.

“You’re such a jerk.”

“I’ve heard that.” Bucky said, sitting up and gesturing for TJ to join him.

TJ sat in the space offered and sighed, “You’re safe.”

“Yeah, told ya I would be.” Bucky responded as he put his arm behind TJ’s head. “I debated telling you this, because it will make another attempt difficult, if not impossible, when you fix it. There’s a blind spot in the range of vision on your security cameras behind The Dome. Your safety is more important than if I get to see any more performances.”

“Oh. Ok.” TJ thought for a minute, “Will you pinpoint it on the specs for me? I can email the partners and hopefully it will be fixed by the time we get back from the shore.”

“Yeah, sure. I’d feel better knowing it was being taken care of.”

“You’re exposing your secrets.” TJ smiled. “How you got in.”

“You know nothing.” Bucky chuckled, watching TJ cross the room to retrieve his laptop.

“I know you cased the place.” TJ said over his shoulder.

“Ok, but was that really a surprise?” Bucky asked as TJ sat back down, pulling up the specs for The Dome.

“Well, no, but it’s not _nothing_.” TJ angled the laptop for Bucky’s ease and he pointed out the blind spot.

“Here.” Bucky pointed to the spot. “I only noticed what was going on in the area I needed – I suggest you have them check the whole area for more. It would be terrible if someone with nefarious goals were to get in like I did.”

“Yeah. Shit, you’re right. You don’t think it was intentional?”

“No, I really don’t. It’s common enough. You might do an audit of your security company; a good technician would know to watch out for that. It could be as simple as a big wind or strong vibration.”

“Ok.” TJ sent an email to the security company and CC’d the partners. “Good thing I have a lot of security people to fall back on, in case anyone asks how ‘little ole me’ came up with this.” TJ grinned. “I can’t exactly say _I_ found the problem and I can’t give you the credit you deserve.”

“Knowing you're safe is all I need, so work is now complete.” Bucky said, taking the laptop from TJ and closing it. “We’re your biggest concern now.”

TJ reached across Bucky’s lap to scratch Eddie’s neck. “I could live like this forever.”

“Neither of us would have any money, pretty soon you’d be evicted and so would I, we’d be on the streets, and that ain’t no way to live.” Bucky said lightly.

“Did you?” TJ asked, turning his head so his cheek rested on Bucky’s left shoulder. He could feel Bucky’s muscles tense in his ribs, “forget I asked.”

“Yes, I was homeless for a time. I wandered at first, trying to put the pieces together. I started remembering places, but would get them confused looking for Hydra safe houses. I spent a few nights in shelters, had a few food kitchen meals. I slept under my share of bridges and on a park bench or two.

“Once I was able to function like a person, remembering to eat, shower, stuff like that, I started doing by-the-hour labor jobs. I could travel if I had a little cash. Then I found the safe houses and some of the bases. I did my share of taking back, cash stashes, and busted lips only.” Bucky said when TJ lost the color in his face. “Ok maybe more got busted than lips, but I stopped killing people. Remember? I told you that I only _made_ the list of names to retaliate against. I didn’t actually do it. Besides, it wasn’t these lackeys who did this to me and it wouldn’t give me anything back, it would just make things worse.”

“I can’t even imagine, here you are, all you’ve experienced, and you’re so put together.”

Bucky huffed and TJ put his hand on Bucky’s chest.

“I mean it. you’ve got a decent job and a cozy apartment with artisan cheese and chocolate in the fridge even after all you’ve been through. Yet you rescued my dumb ass from not being able to cope with a failed relationship. _Again_. Your past is violent and your heart is so good in spite of it, and you get up in the morning and you deal with things as they come. I lived in the lap of luxury and couldn’t deal with how I was being _treated_.”

“I’ve had a good week. You haven’t experienced me having nightmares or insomnia. You think I’m put together?”

“I know you are.” TJ looked up from Bucky’s shoulder, “because you’re functioning well in spite of it.”

“Well, I might need you to give me an extra dose of your magic fingers, because being out sneaking around in the dark and talking about it might pull some of those nightmares to the surface. If I can really relax before I get to sleep, maybe… I don’t know, not a theory I’ve tested, but maybe I can avoid the worst of it.”

“Say no more.” TJ sat up, then kissed Bucky’s cheek. “Come to bed, I’ll get you all kinds of relaxed.”

“One of these days I’ll make things even.” Bucky answered, lifting the dog’s head from his thigh before standing up.

“You have no idea how uneven things are in my favor. You don’t have to make anything up to me.” TJ put his hands on Bucky's shoulders and rubbed his neck as they walked to the bedroom. Eddie followed a few moments after and set about making himself comfortable in his crate. “He likes his crate now, either because it never has the door shut or because it’s in the middle of the room we’re in the most.”

“He’s a funny dog. I never know when he’s going to get up on the bed.” Bucky chuckled, watching TJ unbutton his silk shirt. TJ slipped the shirt over his shoulders and let it slide to the floor. After he stepped out of his dress pants, he stooped to scoop them both up, allowing Bucky a look at the line of his back and his ass. Bucky thought about the ways he could make things even, maybe this trip would be the right time. He was sure TJ was over waiting for him to be ready, not that TJ said or did anything to give the impression.

“He’s probably going to join us sometime in the middle of the night, maybe he’s part of the reason you haven’t had any nightmares worth remembering?”

“Could be, maybe.” Bucky considered. He lay down on his stomach, fluffing the pillow and wrapping his right arm around it. He put his head down as TJ turned the light off.

“Do you want music?” TJ asked.

“Quiet is better.” Bucky said into his forearm, “I mean, if that’s ok.”

TJ crouched next to Bucky on the bed, “It’s perfectly ok. This is about you sweetheart, just relax.”

When TJ started at Bucky’s scalp, Bucky turned his face so that his forehead rested on his arm and he was face to pillow with a fresh smelling pillowcase. TJ’s fingers moved to Bucky’s temples, softly circling before continuing back around Bucky’s scalp and down his neck. Bucky turned his head again, facing the side of the bed where TJ sat. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could see TJ frowning.

“Hey, you shouldn’t frown, I hear it’s bad for you.”

“I wasn’t.” TJ didn’t think he had been, but then again he’d been thinking about Bucky. The man he loved, who loves him, homeless and confused. “Ok, maybe I was. I didn’t realize.”

“Don’t think about it. I don’t want you to have nightmares either.” Bucky offered, softly touching TJ’s knee with his left hand, soft whirring sounds breaking the silence. TJ’s fingers felt good on Bucky’s skin, just that soft touch he had perfected.

TJ leaned forward and kissed Bucky’s temple, “Eddie will keep me safe too.”

Bucky laughed softly, his eyes closing against his will, “good thing he sleeps in the day.” He said sleepily.

“Yeah, he’s figured it out, smart dog. Did I tell you I trained him to retrieve his leash? He does that pretty well now.”

“You said you wanted to. I guess he’ll have to do it in the morning so we have one less thing to collect before heading out.”

TJ smiled at the increasingly sleepy sound the slower speech pattern and the softly slurred words. “I love you Bucky.”

“Love you TJ.”

* * *

 

Bucky was right about the nightmares, but he was convinced he was also right about TJ helping. They weren’t the waking up, screaming, drenched in sweat, or puking your guts out kind. This was just the ‘pulls at the back of your mind, and makes you _really_ want to wake up’ kind. Thank god for small favors.

Eddie was wedged between his legs with his head drooping over his hip, so their theory might be true. Bucky scratched Eddie’s fur, feeling the dead weight of the warm, deep-breathing dog, heavy on his lower half. Funny, he didn’t feel trapped. He _was_ effectively trapped, but he didn’t _feel_ that strapped down feeling. With a gently placed palm under the jowly face, Bucky lifted Eddie’s head and slid up on the mattress toward the headboard. He slung his freed leg over Eddie’s still-sleeping body and got up to go into the bathroom.

After the first piss of the day, he stood looking at his face in the mirror. He tried to find the nightmare that had awakened him, but he couldn’t remember it. “Probably better.” He told the tired face in the mirror. He plucked one of his hair ties from the doorknob and pulled his hair up off his neck. He ran his fingers down his cheeks and scrubbed them through his thickening beard. “Time to go, mountain man.” He said to the face staring back at him.

Bucky pulled out his shaving kit, something he had splurged on in a moment of whimsy and then shoved away in the bottom of his wardrobe before ever using. It was something he would have done every day before the war. Lathering up, and shaving. Something he had found comfort in once. “Baby steps.” He coached himself, trimming the beard close to his face with scissors. Taking his time, and appreciating the quiet rhythm of the snip-snip-snip.

He went through the motions, first oiling and then lathering his whiskers. He figured once he was lathered, he could still back out if he chose. After looking at the cream covered jaw, he looked into the eyes of the guy looking back at him. He could almost reach back in time, sharing a small sink and mirror with Steve, bumping elbows and shoving each other, accidentally, and then on purpose. Bucky smiled and dragged the razor over his cheek. “No going back now.” He told the ‘him’ he almost remembered. “We can always grow it back.” He reassured the scared guy he was more often in contact with.

When his face was smooth and rinsed clean, Bucky patted his face with one of TJ’s soft towels and soothed his face with an after-shave moisturizer, from the sample tube that came with the kit. He liked the way it felt on his face better than the old Clubman or Old Spice aftershaves.

Satisfied with his smooth jaw and convinced that the day or so on the beach would even up the color difference of his skin, Bucky cleaned up his mess and then returned to the bedroom. In the hour or more that it had taken him to shave, neither TJ nor Eddie had moved. He crawled over TJ and settled between TJ and Eddie. Eddie stretched his back along TJ’s thigh, and TJ squirmed into his chest, effectively becoming the little spoon and Bucky smiled, rubbing his smooth cheek along TJ’s soft hair. He was content just lying there, certain he was awake for the day.

TJ felt Bucky crawl over him, he hadn’t known he’d left the bed, but when he curled up behind him, he settled back against his solid chest. He was half-awake and he could probably go either way at this point. He chose to give sleep a chance to return, because if he woke up the rest of the way, he’d have to get up.

Bucky knew when TJ wasn’t asleep anymore; his breathing was just different enough. He kissed the spot below TJ’s ear, “mornin, faker.”

“’M not fakin’” TJ moaned, “I was trying to go back to sleep.

TJ rolled to face Bucky and his hand came immediately to Bucky’s smooth jaw, “When did this happen?”

“A bit ago, nightmares started trying to get in, so I got up. Next thing I knew the guy in the mirror was talking me into it.”

TJ’s fingers traced Bucky’s jaw, “Figuratively, I hope.”

“Well, yeah, I talk to him, he usually leaves me hanging. Or gives me looks.”

“Like “you need to shave” that kind of look?” TJ patted Bucky’s cheek.

“No, I’m not hallucinating, I’ve done that before, and I know what it’s like. I’m just – I recognize different parts of me, at different times, or in certain lighting. I wanted a change, and shaving just before heading to the beach will be perfect. I can get some sun.”

“I hope you’re not explaining this because you think I need an explanation. I like it, even if that doesn’t matter either. Your face, your rules.” TJ said, kissing Bucky lightly. “Mmm. That’s different.”

“Not that it matters.” Bucky smirked, pinching TJ’s rear.

“That’s rude.” TJ swatted at Bucky’s hand.

“I’m a rude kind of guy.”

“You’re not.” TJ disagreed. “You’re the sweetest.”

Eddie must have figured they were ready to be awake after the playful banter; he stood like a bridge over Bucky and kissed TJ and Bucky simultaneously, given their close proximity.

“Bleh,” TJ said with a chuckle, “I guess that means it’s time to get up.”

Bucky scratched Eddie’s ears and rubbed his head, “Yup, you taking this monster out or should I?”

“You’re two steps closer to dressed than I am.” TJ answered, indicating the track pants that Bucky had fallen asleep in. “I vote you get to.”

Bucky sat up and stretched, rolling his neck. TJ rubbed his shoulders and neck “didn’t get to work the kinks out, you fell asleep.” He said, kissing the back of Bucky’s neck. “Nightmare probably didn’t help.”

“I’m ok, just old.” Bucky said, throwing his legs over the edge of the mattress. He sat for the brief massage, “Thanks for taking care of me in my old age.”

“You’re simply ancient.” TJ smiled, moving to sit next to Bucky, “gonna crumble to dust before my very eyes. Do me a favor? Wait until we’re at the beach so your dust and the sand can mingle. I’d hate to have to clean it up.”

Bucky nudged TJ’s ribs with his elbow, “You’re sure you want to perform music? You could be a comedian. Or join the circus as a clown.”

“You’d miss me if I ran away and joined the circus.” TJ nudged back. “I’ll get the stuff together while you take Eddie out. We can leave soon, I know a great place for breakfast.”

“With a dog?”

“Yup, al fresco, dog friendly patio. You gotta trust me. I’m not as irresponsible as I look.”

Bucky laughed as he told Eddie to get his leash while he put on his shoes and a shirt. He was impressed with the trick and praised Eddie loudly and profusely.

“Hey, I worked hard on that.” TJ called from the bedroom, causing Bucky to laugh harder.

“Good boy, TJ.”

“Oh shut up.” TJ called out, looking out the bedroom door in time to see the front door close behind Bucky. “Today’s going to be like this, is it?” he muttered good-naturedly to himself as he dressed for the day and then started piling the packed bags next to the door.

Bucky put Eddie into the car after he had done his thing, “I have to go round up the troublemaker. You be good.” He chuckled, giving the dog a kiss on the nose.

He was looking forward to the next few days, more than he could remember ever anticipating a thing. It was just such a normal activity, he wasn’t going to ruin it with paranoia, and he hoped the nightmares would leave him alone to enjoy it too. Bucky took the stairs two at a time to TJ’s level and got to the door just as TJ was tackling all of the bags and locking the door.

“Ok, since you got on me about responsibility, I’m not going to ask if one of those bags is for Eddie. I’m sure you have his toys and his food all packed to go.”

“Actually.” TJ fumbled a bag, “Yeah you dope, I have all of that, and you can carry it for your penance.”

“Here, let me take more than one.” Bucky pecked TJ’s cheek and shouldered the bag he was handed and stooped to pick up the fallen one and an extra, “Got extra muscle in this one arm, might as well take advantage.” He said holding his hand out for a third bag.

“Well, fine, people will think I’m abusing a disabled senior citizen but I’ll humor you all the same.”

“How’s this for abuse?” Bucky hip-checked TJ with a wicked grin.

“Very good, you’re learning.” TJ returned the favor. “Lesson two, don’t retaliate on the stairs, I’ll break my neck and that would ruin our plans.”

“Can’t have you go ruining our plans, lead on young-un.”

“You sure you don’t want me to hold your hand?”

“Why? You scared?” Bucky snorted at TJ’s frown.

“You’re particularly prickly this morning; I never thought you were the bickering sort.”

“It’s all fun an’ games Teej.” Bucky practically sang as they took the final steps.

TJ held the door, “usually that statement ends with “until somebody gets hurt”.”

“When would either of us have anything to do with what “usually” happens?”

TJ smiled as he crossed the driveway to his car, Eddie was peeking through the back window, waiting patiently. They tossed their bags into the trunk and got into the car.

“Ok, breakfast and then we’re on the road. Pick your poison.” TJ announced, indicating the stereo.


	20. Chapter 20

Bucky was surprised by the small café on the outskirts of nowhere, it was everything a road-trip should begin with, and it was surprisingly obscure. The side of the building shaded a long, narrow patio that was wide enough for two tables and an aisle between them, and long enough that there were probably a dozen tables total outside. They were seated and the hostess was cooing over Eddie, before asking what they would like to drink.

“Coffee, please.” Bucky said as though it were water, and he a drowning man.

TJ snickered and agreed, “two, do you have a mainline option?”

“Sorry, it’s only delivered by the cup, but lucky for you, that cup is bottomless.”

“Lucky us, indeed.” TJ smiled. “Pass the word, the cup shall never be empty.”

“You’re a charmer TJ.” Bucky said as the girl went to deliver the message.

“I know, that’s how I got you into my bed.” TJ winked, “Oh, wait, I’m obviously a little rusty.”

“I’m sure you’re not. I am, that’s the problem. The other day? The kiss with Lee?” Bucky looked around, they were the only people on the patio, servers well within the café, “That was the first time I’ve kissed a girl in this century. The first time “Bucky” has kissed a girl since the forties.”

“Here’s the mind-bendy part of the situation.” TJ said, forcing a smile, Bucky was talking about things he probably felt uncomfortable sharing; TJ wasn’t going to make him think he couldn’t tolerate it. “So, as the Soldier, you were able to – for an assignment or?”

“Yes.”

TJ couldn’t take his eyes off Bucky’s clean-shaven face. Somehow, it made the things he’d endured that much more of an atrocity, looking like the history book pictures of the young sergeant from the war. “Both. Was that when you met the girl? The one that was ‘something else’?”

“Natalia.” Bucky said her name like a whisper on the breeze. “Yes. She was one of their weapons too. They took her memories. She no longer knows me, or us.”

TJ was quiet while the server poured their coffee and when he was gone, he spoke softly, “I’m sorry Bucky.”

“I think it’s ok, she has a family of sorts now, she’s loved. If she doesn’t remember even a fraction of the things she was made to do, it’s a blessing.”

“Do you believe that? I mean if you never remember everything?”

“I don’t know; it’s easier to feel something for someone else, to absolve them of the atrocities they’ve committed. It’s not so easy when the blood is on your own hands.”

“I guess.”

“You forgive me everything that I’ve done, not even knowing. You understand that if someone like me has nightmares about it, it must be horrific, yet you absolve me because you care for me. If you’d taken a life in one of your drug or alcohol binges, you’d suffer and you’d hate, and blame yourself, but you’d still forgive me.”

“You… you might be right.” TJ frowned; Bucky covered TJ’s hand with his and smiled reassuringly.

“You know that forgiveness helps me get up in the morning. It has eased the nightmares, I’m grateful for it.”

“Even though you don’t forgive yourself?”

“I think that’s a long way down the road. I think I have to make up for a lot of it first, and I’m not sure how to go about doing that.”

“Maybe you’ve started already. Maybe helping other tortured souls is part of it, who is more helpless than an animal? You help the dogs; you’ve helped many of them.”

“I walk them and play with them, hardly a penance.”

“What good is walking them? What do they get from it?”

“They get out, don’t have to shit where they eat, they get time with people so that they don’t go into stress, like Eddie here. They stay happy; they’re more likely to be adopted.”

“This saves their lives. Which means _you_ save their goddamned lives? You help them, saving their furry little lives, which in turn rescues other people. Don’t you think that’s a start?”

Bucky sipped his coffee, thinking about what TJ said, “A drop in the bucket.” He looked over his cup, “but, yeah, it’s a start.”

“It’s about starting. Do you remember the first day we met? You told me to start small. I couldn’t start big; you have to start small too. Each good thing you do, whether it’s for dogs, or for stupid drunks like me, whether it’s a drop or a dram, they add up.”

Their server returned to take their order, and they tabled the discussion. Bucky was glad it could be pushed aside, but it still whirled around in his head. The things he’d done mingled with the things he was trying to do just to get through the days.

He had settled on finding his job and his apartment, feeling almost whole, but in the back of his head was always the knowledge he’d lose it all, again. He tried to keep that thought as a warning system and not dwell on it as something to mourn, but times came that he couldn’t put it in its place. He was afraid their planned getaway was going to be soured by one of those cycles.

When the server walked away with their orders, he looked at TJ through tears, “I need you to keep reminding me.”

“It’s ok, everything will be ok.” TJ wanted it to be true, “It takes time, recovering from anything takes time.”

“I’m ruining the trip before it gets started.” Bucky swiped his sleeve across his eyes. “This place we’re headed, private beach means I can dress for the season?”

“Or undress, if you’d like.” TJ winked, trying to stay on the track Bucky was following. Sometimes changing the subject was ok. Bucky’s recovery wouldn’t come from constant talking about the things that plagued him, but from seeing good things, and seeing how he was a good person who could be a benefit to the world that had failed him. What a tangled web, indeed.

“You’d like that.” Bucky’s smile was wobbly, but TJ saw that he was succeeding in at least partially amusing him.

“So, two questions. When we get there, do you want to stay with Eddie at the beach house while I go shopping? Or do you want to come with me? It’s just a small market. Even still, they might have cameras.”

“I think Eddie will be ok by himself.” Bucky smiled, “I've braved larger grocery stores. I might want to be a little more careful without my furry mask though.”

“I kinda miss it, but then again, I like kissing this face. You didn’t think about the exposure, did you?”

“No, for once in a long time, I did something just because I felt like it, no ulterior motives, and no thoughts about why I shouldn’t. I don’t regret it, and if I feel too exposed, I just won’t shave.”

TJ laughed, “That’s simple. Seriously, I love you.”

“I honestly worry about your judgement.” Bucky teased. “Are you ready to cook every meal once we get there?”

“I’m ready to learn more dishes. I could just live on grilled cheese and tomato soup though.”

“No, we’re not going to go that route. More learning. More healthy food.”

“Why? Don’t get me wrong, it’s very honorable, but why the healthy foods kick? Clearly you missed out on Ho Hos and stuff like that, have you _eaten_ a double-stuffed Oreo?”

“Helps with the nightmares.” Bucky said simply. “Eat good food, don’t eat too late, and keep the body nourished, helps enough to keep doing it.”

“We’re buying Ho Hos and Oreos.” TJ announced.

“I’ll eat them.” Bucky chuckled. “Yes, I’ve had Ho Hos and Oreos. They both predate you, you know. I may not have had a double-stuffed Oreo but I know well enough, young buck, what you’re trying to stump me with.”

“Just as I was making myself hungrier,” TJ smiled at the server who brought their food, “Thank you.”

They ate more than they talked, Eddie lifted his head whenever they set their forks down, making them laugh, and as always, Bucky cataloged the happy moment for days when there wouldn’t be any.

TJ saw the slight frown that would have been missed if he’d blinked and he wondered if Bucky was worrying. He didn’t want to ask; because that would dampen the lighter mood that still prevailed. He figured he’d keep an eye out for less subtle warnings but follow Bucky’s lead.

They both wound up getting to-go boxes for the remainder of their breakfasts, TJ had been about to push the plate aside when Bucky asked for the containers. He was reminded of something his Nana had said about waste and the depression. It was usually easy to forget that Bucky was actually older than Nana, but when he remembered, it was helpful to understand some of the things that carried through the century.

**…**

Bucky whistled low and smiled when he was led into the beach house. Sure, he’d been inside of nice places, but he’d never been in those places to enjoy them, only there to receive an order, or to carry out a mission, and he’d had no inclination toward curiosity at that point. This was completely different and an absolute treat.

“You approve?” TJ asked, biting his lip and looking sideways at Bucky.

“It’s very nice.” Bucky walked toward the picture window, “High profile people always have such big windows.”

“You don’t feel safe?” TJ’s voice turned from uncertainty to concern.

“I’m safe, we’re safe, just something I should have kept to myself.”

“I hope you don’t think that, I can’t stop repeating that I don’t want you to censor yourself at all.” TJ came up behind Bucky and put his hands on his shoulders, stepping close. “Not with me.”

Bucky raised his right hand, crossing his chest to lay it over one of TJ’s, “You’re going to get some education if I don’t. It doesn’t make for a very positive conversation sometimes.”

“Well, I’m here for it all. I don’t know of it’s good news or bad that there’s a bigger window in the bedroom.”

“It is very good news, especially if it’s the sliding glass door I thought I saw in the pictures you sent. Beach access from either level? I’m ok with that. I promise, I won’t be the guy picking holes in the security while we’re here, it just came out.”

TJ peppered kisses along the back of Bucky’s neck where his hair was pulled back, “Ok, remember you promised.”

“Let’s get Eddie settled and go get some groceries.”

“Hey, I got ya something.” TJ stooped to retrieve something from the front of one of the bags, “You’re gonna need these.”

Bucky took the hard case from TJ and turned it over before opening it, “Why?”

“Because I saw them and thought of you, and because we’re at the beach and you’re going to need sun protection.”

“I could get about 8 pair of sunglasses in the store for what you spent.” Bucky started before rethinking, he needed to learn to accept gifts properly, “but they wouldn’t be from you.”

TJ’s frown wavered as Bucky turned his sentence around, he didn’t know if Bucky was onto him, that the frown was outwardly intended to coerce him, but it was also representative of how he felt. Too many people had told him ‘you don’t have to’, ‘that’s too extravagant’, or ‘did you even think this through?’

“Good, no arguments over gifts then.” TJ’s frown turned to a smile as he picked up the folded dog crate to take to the bedroom.

Eddie followed TJ, sniffing here and there as he went, and Bucky brought up the rear with Eddies toys, treats, and the mat for inside the crate.

They set things up for Eddie and settled him in, TJ turned music on to fill the silence while they were gone, and then they headed for the nearby market.

TJ hadn’t shopped with Bucky before and it was a new experience. Bucky didn’t rush, which surprised TJ. He’d thought for sure it was get in and out and on your way, but in fact, it was pleasant and meandering. He hit up the produce first, and then sweet-talked the lady at the bakery counter, getting cookies to “sample” like they were each five. The butcher counter was another friendly encounter, talking about cuts of meat, how to prepare them, and knives, of all things.

Walking to the car with armloads of grocery bags, TJ asked the question that had been on his mind throughout the shop, “Why did you spend so much time talking to the people in there? I mean it’s cool, you’re a friendly guy, but doesn’t that make you memorable?”

“Yeah, it makes me memorable as ‘A Nice Guy’. These people aren’t looking for the Winter Soldier; they’re looking for a sale and a reference to other tourists. They’re going to remember a sour, loner way before they remember a ‘Nice Gay Couple’ looking to fill their bellies for a couple of days. Or, I should say that either way I’d be memorable but as a sour loner they’re going to feel off kilter, and that will stick in their minds if anyone were to come asking questions.”

“Makes sense, I just didn’t think of it that way.”

“I’m glad you don’t have to. Let’s get our groceries back and put away so we can spend some time out on the sand.” Bucky took the final bag from TJ and loaded it into the trunk.

“Yes! That’s why we’re here. I’m ready.” TJ cheered, again, as if he was five.

“No more cookies for you.” Bucky teased.

“But we bought Oreos.” TJ pretended to pout.

“That’s your fault. I tried to put them back. Twice.”

“How does it feel to have a child after all these years? Dad.” TJ taunted, sliding into the passenger seat.

“You’re hilarious, and the reason I tried to put them back is that I’ll probably eat the whole package in one sitting.”

“Isn’t that what they’re for?” TJ asked, serious as can be.

“To be devoured all in one sitting? I didn’t think so.” Bucky laughed, pulling out of the small parking lot.

“Well then you’re not doing it right.” TJ said, looking over his sunglasses at Bucky before turning to look out the window. Bucky chuckled as he turned the car stereo up.

As soon as they got back to the beach house, TJ jogged up the stairs to let Eddie out, and then thundered down the stairs again with Eddie running right alongside. Bucky shook his head both times with a soft smile. He looked out the window over the kitchen sink and thought about how nice it would be to have this kind of thing on a regular basis. The light shining through the entire house was warming and addictive.

He stocked the cupboards as TJ and Eddie made a couple of trips to and from the car with the paper sacks of groceries. “Thank you.” He said and smiled at TJ before crossing the space to where he was leaning against the counter. He put his hand on TJ’s waist.

TJ closed his eyes when Bucky kissed him, “Mmm, welcome. The least I could do, I was taught to respect my elders.”

Bucky’s fingers pinched TJ’s side and TJ twisted to get away. Bucky’s hand flattened against TJ’s hip, pinning him to the counter. “You’re funny. You did it to get out of putting things away, just like you’ve found every excuse not to rearrange your kitchen.” He dipped his head to kiss the spot on TJ’s neck that was bared by the tug of his shirt as he still tried to move.

TJ stopped wiggling and brought his hand up to the back of Bucky’s head, tousling the tidy locks loose from the hair-tie as he curled his fingers in Bucky’s thick hair.

“Every excuse, like spending time with you.” TJ agreed, kissing Bucky brashly. “Like fixing meals at home instead of takeout.” He kissed him again, softer, longer. “Like…”

“Like watching a marathon of television.” Bucky added, nipping at TJ’s lip before stepping back and handing him a bag of pantry items. “Get to work.”

“Wow, you’re a tease.” TJ grumped as he started putting the cans and dry items that they probably didn’t need, but TJ had wanted at the time, into the cupboard next to the fridge. Didn’t matter, if they didn’t use it, they could take it on to Bucky’s apartment when they left.

“I’m taking lessons.”

“I’ll have to have a talk with Lee.” TJ said as he turned around to see Bucky taking his shirt off. “OK, warn a guy would ya?”

“I meant I was taking lessons from you. Just why are you so shocked? We’re at the beach, and you’re done with the groceries, I thought heading out was next.”

“Well, I have to change; I’ve got swimwear to put on, brought some for you as well, so _I_ was going to do it in the bedroom, not the kitchen.”

“What’s the difference? I have to take this upstairs, change, but I got a head start. We’re in a private home on a private beach, we could get dressed or undressed in any room in the house, with the windows open.”

“Wow, ok. You really did leave mister sensible back in DC, didn’t you?” TJ asked, pushing off the counter and heading upstairs.

“Yup, that’s what you wanted, am I right?” Bucky answered with his own question as he followed and as Eddie followed them both.

“I want you to have a good time. I don’t mind a little sensibility, but I don’t mind this fun-loving side either.” TJ answered as he turned at the top of the stairs, causing Bucky to stop. He put his forearms on Bucky’s shoulders and clasped his hands behind Bucky’s head. “You’re gonna have a good time, right?”

Bucky put his hands on TJ’s exposed waist and stretched to reach TJ’s lips for a kiss. “I am.”

TJ turned and headed to their room, but not before Bucky pinched his rear. TJ flinched and Bucky laughed. They changed quickly for the beach, and TJ gathered up the things he’d brought, a Frisbee for Eddie and a football, plus the beach blanket and sunscreen. “I’m starting to feel like a responsible adult, I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” He said as he put the cooling collar on Eddie           .

“You signed up for it when you adopted this mutt. It’s good, TJ. You’re doing a great job.”

“I feel like a nanny.”

“You mean a mom.”

“Well, that depends. I don’t think my mom spent as much time wrangling toys and sunscreen as my nanny did.”

“In my case, it was my mom.” Bucky said, looking wistfully out the window. “Cooking, cleaning, ironing, gathering things up after me and Becca and making sure things were tidy for when pop came home.”

TJ snaked an arm around Bucky’s waist, “Sounds like a great mom.” He said softly in Bucky’s ear. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? It was nice. It’s nice to think about them. If you asked me I might or might not have had anything to draw on, an organic memory was nothing you should apologize for.”

“You looked so sad.”

“Yeah, I guess I was for a minute. You are, when you’ve lost someone, and then you’re ok again, if it’s been a while.” Bucky turned, “and it’s been a long, long time.”

“Ok, well, anytime you want to tell me about them, I hear that’s supposed to be a good thing, talking about someone you’ve lost.”

“Yeah, I hear that too, not my generation. Suck it up, boy.”

“You’re part of my generation now Bucky, you can open up. No pressure. Let’s go outside and get some sun.” TJ tugged the waistband of Bucky’s swim trunks. Or his that Bucky was using.

“Come on, Eddie, you heard TJ. He’s cracking the whip for us to go play. He’s a puzzle, that one.”

TJ faked a laugh, “You’re talking to a dog.”

“I speak dog.” Bucky answered.

“Yeah? Let me guess, he’s saying I’m all sorts of crazy and you’re the best person on earth.”

“Nope. He said I’m stalling and he wants to go play too. Oh and that _you_ are the best person on earth.”

“Well, then. What are you waiting for? The voice of reason has spoken.” TJ held the door for Bucky, who nudged him as he passed. Eddie ran ahead and TJ let the screen door fall shut with a bang.

Bucky chased after Eddie and TJ followed behind, very much like a mom with a bag and the blanket, watching. Also, very much not like a mom, admiring the lines of Bucky’s swim trunk clad body and legs.

TJ spread out the blanket and put the stuff in the center before seeing if Eddie was ready to show off his recall, “Eddie,” TJ said and whistled, “Come.”

The dog skidded, spraying sand halfway up Bucky’s legs and turned to run to TJ.

“Good boy.” TJ gushed over the dog, peppering him with kisses and treats, “Good boy. Sit.”

Eddie sat and Bucky sat down next to them, TJ looked up from Eddie to Bucky, “Why did anyone get rid of this dog? He’s so smart, and he listens. I didn’t expect him to stop playing with you to come to me.”

“You have the treats.” Bucky said, taking some dog-friendly sunscreen and rubbing it on Eddie’s nose and ears. “I don’t know. He’s a great dog. I think the surrender papers said they had a baby on the way.”

“Well, they shouldn’t reproduce if they can’t take care of this amazing creature and a kid.” TJ groused, squirting sunscreen on his palm and spreading it over his arms, “I should have done this before coming out, I just couldn’t wait anymore.” He gestured for Bucky to turn and started coating the broad expanse of Bucky’s shoulders and back with the excess.

Bucky picked up the Frisbee and flung it toward the water, but just short of the shore. Eddie ran after it and Bucky sighed over TJ’s treatment. TJ wiped any residual lotion on his shorts before undoing the pony-tail in Bucky’s hair and adjusting it to a higher man-bun. He peppered Bucky’s now bared neck with kisses before asking for the sunscreen again.

Bucky rolled his neck and dropped his head for TJ to add lotion to his neck, and when TJ was done, he guided Bucky backward to lie on the blanket. Tj sat next to Bucky, picking up the Frisbee that Eddie had brought back and flung it back in the same basic direction that Bucky had. He didn't really pay attention to distance, after all, what Bucky had to calculate in force, TJ had to just fling it straight hope it might make it a fair flight, or it might flail and fall. He didn’t care, and neither did Eddie who bounded back dropping it on Bucky’s legs for someone to throw again.

TJ threw it further, rubbed the grit from his fingers, and started applying sunscreen to Bucky’s chest and arm. When he got to Bucky’s wrist, Bucky looked at him, and linked fingers with TJ, “My turn. You’re going to burn making sure I don’t. If I did, it would be gone in no time.”

“SO? It would still be uncomfortable. Here you go.” TJ flopped onto his stomach, letting Bucky take the Frisbee job as well as letting Bucky slather the coconut-scented lotion over his back. He squirmed as Bucky dipped his fingers below the waistband of his swim trunks. “You’re assuming I’ll be baring my ass to the sun??”

“Slipped. This stuff is slick.”

“Not slick enough.” TJ muttered into his arms as he bumped his mouth against his forearm.

“I heard that. You’ll have to explain yourself.”

“No I won’t. I was being stupid. I think Eddie’s on to us, we should go play _with_ him.”

Bucky leaned forward and pressed a rough kiss against the side of TJ’s neck, “explain.”

TJ rolled to his side, “slick, another term for lube, which is very important in the act of sex between two men. I was being crude, hence my reluctance to explain.”

“TJ, I think…”

“I know, it’s too soon, which is more of the reason for…”

“You interrupted me.” Bucky said, placing a finger on TJ’s lips. “I think we should. I mean while we’re here, if you think you can be patient with a beginner. I’m a fast learner.”

TJ sat up, as if that would organize his thoughts and explain to him what he wasn't sure he’d just heard, “You don’t have to do this for me, I’ve almost completely stopped bugging you about it. I can wait.”

“I’ve thought about it for a few days actually, I want to, for me.” Bucky sat facing TJ. “Don’t you believe me?”

Eddie, as if he understood there was not going to be any more Frisbee in the near future, plopped down on the edge of the blanket.

“I guess, once I get past disbelief in general, I think I’ll be able to believe you. I don’t know, I don’t want you to…”

Bucky closed the distance between them quickly and kissed TJ harshly, “Change your mind? Too weird for you? What? Is it the age, or the face?”

TJ planted his hands on Bucky’s collarbones, and pressed him backward. He started gathering the toys to play with Eddie, “I haven’t changed my mind. None of those things is weird, although god knows some of them probably should be.”

“You’re afraid I’ll back down like that day in the shower.” Bucky said without a hint of the fear he was feeling.

TJ dropped everything he had picked up, still on his knees on the blanket and turned back to Bucky. Eddie dropped his head back to his paws, watching TJ as he put his hands lightly on the waistband of Bucky’s swim trunks, “and if you did back down it would be fine, Bucky. If you feel it, that’s great, if not, still great. I love you, I’m happy with you the way things are and I’ll be happy with you if we ever or never add sex to the mix. I can’t believe those words actually came out of my mouth, but I mean them.”

“You say ‘if’. You doubt I want to have sex with you.”

“It isn’t about my doubt. I don’t want _you_ to have any doubts. I want you to be _absolutely_ certain, because I don’t want you to decide later that you were only curious. I don’t want to be your queer litmus test. I am _almost_ prepared to lose you in the event you have to run to save your life or even mine, but I can’t lose you because you decide, after I’ve given you everything, that you’re not queer after all.”

“How many times has that happened to you TJ?” Bucky asked, cupping TJ’s cheek, looking into his eyes, as though searching to find the answer, “Who has hurt you like that?”

“It’s happened a few times.” TJ said dismissively, “It’s just a hazard of being high profile, and gay, with really bad judgement.”

“No, it’s assholes hurting you and making things difficult for us. I wouldn’t do that. I’ve been honest with you to the extent that I’ve been honest with myself. I don’t have to tell you what it was like in the forties, do I?” Bucky’s hand moved to TJ’s neck, resting there lightly.

“No.”

“I’d say I got lucky, I didn’t have the struggle other queers had, beyond pining for that one person, and I could love him as much as I did anyway because we knew each other forever, like brothers. If I had less than brotherly feelings for him, I could take care of my “perverted” feelings alone in my room or with some loose dame, and not have to worry about being beaten or arrested.”

“Any situation where you feel the gross slurs in your heart, and have to hide who you are is not lucky. You still couldn’t be yourself by expressing your true feelings and intentions.”

“Maybe, but I didn’t have to feel the sting of retribution. I didn’t have to fear my family, society, and the law. I didn’t have to hide in the shadows, I _saw_ ‘em duck and run when they thought they were about to be hassled. Don’t even think some of the fights I pulled Steve out of weren’t because he was defending some young punk from some asshole bully. And I didn’t go out and use any of those young men to ‘figure out’ how I felt. I wouldn’t then and I wouldn’t now. I fucking love you TJ. I would never hurt you that way. Goddammit I’m mad.”

“I’m sorry.” TJ sat back on his heels, “I didn’t mean to piss you off.”

“I’m mad _for_ you TJ, not _at_ you. I’m livid that you were used like that.” Bucky’s breathing was heavy from his anger. “I’m sorry you thought I’d be one of those guys.”

“I didn’t _think_ you’d be one, I just didn't _want_ you to be one.”

“You doubt everyone because nobody’s ever proven themselves to you. That sucks.”

“Talking about what sucks is not the way I wanted this trip to go. If you want to compare sucking, I’ve never been tortured and used the way you were, so let’s drop my bad experiences, let’s leave yours in the past where they belong, and let’s forget about this discussion. I didn’t mean to bring the whole thing down, you were going to tell me something, and I completely ruined everything.”

“TJ. Let’s start over.” Bucky put his hand on TJ’s knee, “I have been looking forward to this trip since you first conceived it. I haven’t had the opportunity in a long, long time just to escape everything and just be. I am in the company of the man I love, and I want, sometime before we leave, to have sex with you. Because I want to, and not for any other reason.”

“I want that too.” TJ took Bucky’s hand in his. “If you _do_ change your mind, wanting to do something and actually getting through it aren’t always the same.”

“You are still thinking about the shower.” Bucky said, kissing TJ’s fingers. “It’s ok if you are, but that was due to other things entirely.”

“I’m thinking about you. If the incident in the shower is part of the reason for it, I can’t help it. I still remember how upset you were.”

“I love you.”

“But you’re fed up with my extreme caution.”

“I love that too. I am not going to discuss it with you anymore this trip though. I’m going to go play with Eddie. We need to reset this afternoon, or we’ll be hip deep in bad emotions instead of good ones.”

“Gotcha. Let’s go play with Eddie then.” TJ agreed. He wanted to kick himself, he could have spent the time they discussed not having sex actually _doing it_ , since all Eddie did was lie around waiting. Again, he watched Bucky and the dog run off through the sand, this time with a football. He smiled and laughed when Bucky called him chicken, and he chased off after them.

Bucky watched TJ laugh with Eddie as he tried to wrestle the slobbery, sandy football from the dog, Eddie was playing tug, not football, and TJ wasn’t as well balanced as the dog was, so he would stumble a little and scramble to set his feet in the wet sand. He thought about the conversation that had gone wrong, or at least had gone sideways.

Maybe his timing was bad. He had no idea what he was doing in this arena. He could barely fucking remember sex at all, let alone how to broach the subject. It was more of a loose women kind of thing back in his day. There were the spotty memories of Natalia but that situation was so different. No, he had no clue what the fuck he was supposed to do. He’d just blurted it out, that was probably the worst way to do it.

It wasn’t as if it was off topic, he reminded himself, what he’d said was in the right context. He was still getting used to conversation and context. The typical stuff worked for him, it was ‘how to nuance’ that he still had a hard time grasping, but if he replayed the moment, and honestly, that’s all he’d been doing since it happened, it didn’t seem too outrageous.

Maybe he just didn’t comprehend the situation, maybe it _was_ just too outrageous, and that was why TJ had placed barriers there. He’d told TJ the subject was closed, so he couldn’t ask.

He flinched when the cold, wet, and sand covered football hit his chest and shoulder with a loud ‘fwap’, he looked up to see TJ covering his mouth, eyes wide. TJ dragged his hands over his cheeks and jaw and Bucky saw a big, open-mouthed smile just before TJ ran up to him, “Are you ok? I’m so sorry! I thought you were paying attention, you were looking right at us!” TJ laughed.

“I wasn’t. I mean, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m ok, it’ll take more than a football to take me out.” Bucky covered the hand TJ had on the pinkish spot where the football had hit him. “Won’t even be a mark in a minute. Unfortunately.”

“You’re not having fun.”

“I am.” Bucky lied.

“The only thing you are right now is lying. If you come and play with us, I promise I won’t hit you again. I think. Come on, let’s get wet.”

“You call me out on my lie and dismiss it like it’s nothing? I don’t understand, shouldn’t you be angry?”

“You’re trying to forget earlier, you’re not able to, so you’re covering for it. I’m not angry and you don’t have to keep that stupid order in place to ‘not talk about it’ more. You wouldn’t let me get away with that shit, so… come… we get wet, you get a small respite and we’ll talk about it when you’re done punishing yourself for saying you were done when you weren’t.”

“How do you know that’s what I’m doing?”

“Lucky guess.” TJ tugged Bucky’s arm, “Come, mope in the ocean, and let the tide wash your troubles away.”

“Mope, huh?” Bucky allowed a smile, “You think I’m prone to moping?”

“If you spend any amount of time with me you probably will learn how.” TJ kept pulling Bucky toward the water. “Eddie loves the water, come on, I’m not stupid enough to say race me, but let’s see a little action.”


	21. Chapter 21

By the time the waves were lapping at their knees, and Eddie was bouncing back and forth biting at the foam, they were both laughing. TJ tackled Bucky throwing them both into the water, and Eddie stood his ground barking sharply at them.

“You caught me off guard, there’s no way you can do that again.” Bucky challenged.

TJ tried to topple him again, and again, and almost conceded defeat before he decided to hop onto Bucky’s back at the last minute, pulling him over backwards. TJ laughed and wound up with a mouthful of salt water. Bucky panicked and hoisted a sputtering TJ out of the water. Bucky reacted quickly, carrying TJ out of the surf and laying him on the nearby sand.

“I’m fine. I really am.” TJ sputtered again, choking and spitting to get rid of some of the salt. “Bucky.”

“Don’t do that. You can’t fucking do that! Don’t you realize what would happen if you died?!”

“Hey, look at me.” TJ sat up and put his hand on the back of Bucky’s neck. “I wasn’t dying. I swallowed some seawater, yeah it’s disgusting, but I’m ok. I wasn’t drowning. Sweetheart, it’s ok.”

TJ wasn’t used to seeing Bucky cry, there were times when he came close, but he usually locked it down, Not this time, kneeling in the sand, drenched from their play, there was no stopping it. Bucky buried his face in his hands and cried. TJ didn’t tell him to stop; he simply pulled him into his arms and held his head against his chest as Bucky shuddered.

“I’m ok, you’re ok. I don’t know what you experienced there honey, but we’re ok. Let it out baby.” TJ crooned, “That’s it. Everyone’s ok honey.”

It all happened so fast, and nothing seemed real, Bucky had thought TJ _was_ drowning, memories of different incidents superimposing themselves over fact, making Bucky see it wrong, and it had made him panic. In that panic, all he knew was that he’d lost too much, and wouldn’t lose TJ too.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky finally moaned. “It wasn’t real.”

“It must have seemed very real. We’re all ok though. We’re not gonna let a little panic ruin our day, come, let’s go sit on the blanket for a little bit and try again after we’ve had a little water – the good stuff this time – and a little snack.”

“You must be wishing we never came here.” Bucky said pathetically.

“Now why would you say that? We can have unresolved sexual discussions and panic attacks anywhere we are. Why not in the sun?” TJ grinned, Bucky couldn’t help but be drawn in by TJ’s energy and youth, “Peppered in with some laughs, seriously baby, this is fine. We’re gonna come out of all this emotional trauma on the other side. Neither of us is completely well, we both have things that are going to affect us, unannounced, we just deal as best we can and get back to life.”

TJ stood up, and held a hand out to Bucky. Bucky took the offer and followed TJ and Eddie to the blanket.

“You. Lie here, face down.” TJ ordered. He pulled up some music on his phone and sat next to Bucky when he complied. “I want you to relax. When you are able, I want you to tell me what happened back there.”

TJ scooted to lie perpendicular to Bucky, using his waist as a pillow. Eddie flopped onto the corner of the blanket, after shaking off and spraying them with what water had clung to his fur. They were both able to laugh a little at the action.

“I don’t know exactly what happened, TJ.” Bucky finally said into the crook of his arm. “I panicked.”

“And earlier?”

“You know how you lose proficiency with something if you don’t keep practicing?” with TJ’s encouragement, Bucky continued, “I struggle with context in conversation sometimes. I have less than 2 years of recent active practice communicating with people on a personal level. I didn’t have conversations for the sake of expressing myself until I met Lee, and then you. Before that, I was alone, and before that, all communication was related to missions, what they wanted from me, what I needed from the teams who went out with me if I didn’t go solo. This is so new to me, but I thought throwing out my willingness to progress our relationship was well placed, considering the topic, but it didn’t get the reception I expected it to get, so it must have been wrong.”

TJ turned, leaning on his elbow on the blanket next to Bucky, “ _No_. It wasn’t wrong. Even if it had been blurted out in a completely unrelated discussion (which I’ve done, by the way), it’s how you feel and that makes it right and relevant _any time_. My insecurity is what dampened the reception. I took something you were giving, something that was all about you and us, and turned it into something about me. A struggle _I_ have yet to conquer. By the way, that wasn’t the first mouth full of ocean I’ve sucked in and it probably won’t be the last, so if you want to, I’d like to get back out there and have that swim.”

“Can we start over? Just reset the whole day?”

“No, honey, there’s no reset button, but what you’re feeling is normal. We don’t always say or feel what we wish we could, but we keep trying.”

“I don’t like the feeling that I’ve let you down somehow.”

“Bucky, honey, you’ve never let me down, do you hear me? What you’re feeling is embarrassment. You’re self-conscious about the panic attack and my graceless reception of your pronouncement earlier is making you feel inadequate. I’m sorry for that. It will keep burning in you if you let it, or you can embrace the moment, we can go have fun, and then you said something about grilling for dinner. Or we can have cereal.”

“We’re not having cereal.” Bucky sounded more like himself, which had been TJ’s hope when he’d made the comment.

TJ sat up then straddled Bucky’s thighs, massaging his shoulders and back the way he knew Bucky enjoyed. “You have to cook then.” He said. “I hope your burgers are half as good as Matt’s.”

“You still can’t steal him.”

TJ laughed, “Thank you for coming back to me, you sassy bastard.” TJ leaned forward, lying across Bucky’s back and kissed his neck, “I love you.”

He held himself away when Bucky started to turn over.

“I love you too.” Bucky said, pulling TJ against his chest. “Don’t _ever_ forget it.”

TJ was hyper-aware of all of the skin touching skin, from their bare legs, Bucky’s hair tickling his, to their bellies and chests, and Bucky’s arms, skin and sun-warmed metal, pulling him closer. He was also, uncharacteristically, very self-conscious that Bucky would become aware of exactly what this closeness was doing to him. TJ stuffed his self-consciousness where it belonged and looked into Bucky’s eyes, Bucky smiled softly before closing the distance and teasing TJ’s lips with his.

Bucky tasted the salt that stained TJ’s skin, his own face felt hot, not from the closeness, but from the residual emotions from the irrational fear that had gripped him. He shoved the feeling down and let the flash burn off, taking slow nips and licks at TJ’s lips and moaning into TJ’s mouth when TJ met his kisses with his own desire.

TJ pulled away from Bucky, he felt the silken skin and smooth metal as Bucky’s arms slid down his body when he sat up. He couldn’t take his eyes off Bucky’s lips. He licked his own, tasting Bucky’s distinct flavor as well as the lingering salty sea. TJ closed his eyes as he tried to rein in the urges overwhelming him. He wasn’t going to scare Bucky away from this; TJ had to keep a level head. Bucky was sensitive about this already so he wouldn’t rush, but he couldn’t stop and give the impression this was unacceptable either.

Letting out a sigh, TJ leaned forward and trailed his hand over Bucky’s shoulder to his chest. His fingers stumbled over the scars, gently tracing a path to rub his thumb over Bucky’s firm nipple. He grinned wickedly over the groan the touch elicited. Up until now, he’d been careful to avoid any sensitive, sensual touching and had no warning just how beautiful Bucky’s passion sounded. “You should come with a warning label.” TJ said with a hoarse laugh.

“Meaning?” Bucky asked, waiting for TJ to open his eyes, his mouth turned up in a soft smile at the look on TJ’s face.

“Just when I thought I was safe, you go and make those fucking sounds.” TJ practically growled looking down into Bucky’s eyes.

The hot flash painted Bucky’s face again and he reached for TJ’s hand. He placed it on his cheek, “is this normal? Do you feel it?”

“You’re hot. Yes, it’s normal.” TJ leaned to kiss the pale spot left by removing the pressure of his fingers, “You should be feeling the heat in various, random places…” TJ’s kisses traveled along Bucky’s cheek to his ear and down his neck. “all over your body.”

Honestly, either TJ was creating those random hotspots, or he was chasing them. Bucky wanted to close his mind to any previous experiences he’d had with sex. Not that any were unpleasant, but because he wanted to experience this completely for the first time, and something he wanted more than anything was to experience something of his choosing, that had  _meaning,_ and wasn’t colored by memories of anything like it. Bucky couldn’t hold back a moan when TJ’s tongue teased his nipple.

Bucky’s long, low moan that became a sigh was giving TJ a challenge, he wanted so badly to take things slowly, to introduce this new world to Bucky in the same manner he had approached worshiping his body for comfort. However, the fervent arch of Bucky’s back, and his damned-near purring, was nearly enough to make TJ reconsider his commitment to a slow and meaningful experience.

Nearly.

TJ kissed and tasted the smooth, salty skin of Bucky’s side as he followed the dips and lines of his trembling muscles. Bucky grasped TJ’s hair, gently curling his fingers against TJ’s scalp, feeling the silken strands in his fingers and TJ’s warm tongue on his body as the breeze tickled the path TJ was making along his skin. The hair on TJ’s leg was abrasive on Bucky’s thighs when TJ’s knee nudged them apart.

Bucky’s thighs clasped TJ’s leg and TJ grinned as his chin bumped against the waistband of Bucky’s swim trunks. His fingers played with the tie and waistband as he looked up to see Bucky watching him with dark eyes. Bucky mirrored TJ’s lip-lick and scratched TJ’s scalp languidly. TJ pulled the waistband lower, not taking his eyes off Bucky’s face.

Bucky waited anxiously, not knowing what, if anything, TJ was expecting of him. TJ had to know Bucky was aroused by the foreplay, and with the thought, the hot flash was back, embarrassment and something else, anticipation maybe. The ground beneath him was unforgiving and warm, the blanket and small bits of sand abraded spots on the backs of his legs and under his shoulder. The breeze that touched his exposed skin as TJ lowered the swim trunks was feathery and cool, adding to the complex sensations Bucky was experiencing.

TJ watched Bucky, wondering if he was pushing too far and what would happen if he did what he wanted to do. He waited for a look of panic or a word to stop him, but he wouldn’t break the peace by communicating his hesitance, afraid that words would ruin everything right now. Bucky’s hand relaxed in TJ’s hair, and he cupped the back of his head tenderly.

Bucky pushed a memory of perfume and lipstick aside, the sound of the surf not too far away from them helped Bucky focus on now and on TJ and he redoubled his efforts to make this _first_ experience about him and TJ. His awareness of his surroundings quickly narrowed to TJ’s touch and the heat and moisture as TJ took him to the heights of pleasure. TJ was spurred on by Bucky’s short panting breaths, as if he was trying to hold something back. TJ wasn’t having any of it. He was heavily aroused himself, but he wasn’t going to let Bucky deny himself (and TJ) the sweet sounds his earlier moans had promised.

Bucky gripped the blanket with his left hand, faint whirring sounds mixed with the sound of fabric tearing, he caught TJ’s gaze and cursed as he as he lost focus, enthralled by the soft, warm, and wet pull of TJ’s mouth surrounding him.

Completely spent, Bucky felt the heat creeping back into his face and ears, TJ licked a stripe up his belly before claiming Bucky’s lips in a kiss. Bucky tasted something different, the taste of his own sex on TJ’s lips and groaned. “I’m so sorry.” He moaned into TJ’s mouth.

“No, you don’t get to do that.” TJ said, his brow creased, his eyes wide. He put both hands on either side of Bucky’s face tenderly, “Why would you say that?’

“I didn’t mean to lose control.”

“I meant for you to.” TJ said simply. “You were _supposed_ to.”

Bucky rolled out from under TJ, and pushed him down onto the blanket. Hovering over TJ, Bucky looked into his eyes, “it was so good TJ. I couldn’t rein it in.”

“Good.” TJ smiled devilishly, “Just what I wanted to hear.”

“But that’s not everything, and it’s not fair to you.”

“I’m fine. I’ll take care of it.” TJ said.

“You won’t.” Bucky said, taking TJ in hand abruptly, but gently.

TJ’s shock over Bucky’s sudden action was replaced by complete abandon as Bucky’s flesh fingers and metal ones joined forces threatening to push him over immediately. Bucky didn’t have time to nuance the situation; TJ would have climaxed from a couple of even strokes. Bucky had only to cover TJ with his lips, the instant TJ felt Bucky’s tongue and locked eyes, he lost control.

The rapidness with which TJ crested threw Bucky off a little, yet he recovered without breaking concentration, and continued to draw on TJ even after he was spent. TJ rolled his head back, finally breaking eye contact, as he reveled in the sensation. The thought flitted through his mind that usually guys were done with him as soon as he came. He shoved away thoughts of others and put his hand on Bucky’s neck, pulling them both to reality as he rubbed Bucky’s neck muscles and Bucky pulled away slowly.

“Jesus, I want you to do that for hours.” TJ laughed hoarsely throwing an arm over his eyes. “You’re a prodigy.”

Bucky laughed as he flopped onto his stomach next to TJ. “I’m something all right. I’m sorry you didn’t get much leading up to it. I stole your thunder.”

“Baby, you brought the thunder.” TJ snickered. He peered out from behind his arm, “Ready to attempt the ocean again? I promise I won’t die.”

Bucky put a gentle hand on TJ’s chest, “You’d better not.” He adjusted his swim trunks, pulled TJ’s back into place and then pushed himself up onto his feet, offering TJ a hand, “Come on let’s go.”

Once they were both standing, Eddie looked up expectantly, Bucky looked at Eddie, “you too. Come on.”

* * *

Again in the water, hip-deep, Bucky put his arm across TJ’s back, “is it normal for you to clam up after something like that? Was everything ok?”

TJ caught himself before laughing, “Everything was perfect, not your fault I went off before you had a chance to do much. Well, maybe it is your fault. Then, I didn’t know if you’d want to talk about it, so I changed the subject.”

“I want to talk about it, I need to know…”

“Perfect.” TJ pulled Bucky close by a hand on his neck, “Perfect, I swear. Usually when I’m done, so are the guys I’ve been with, but you, you… I feel like maybe I cheated you by not doing the same.”

“I don’t feel cheated.” Bucky brought his hands to TJ’s neck and kissed him, then rested his forehead against TJ’s, “That was maybe a little more than I bargained for at the moment.”

“Not too much?” TJ didn’t pull away, didn’t want to look into Bucky’s eyes just yet.

“No, not like that, just – I thought there’d be more involved in the process and we’d have to wait and go inside. I didn’t think, and then I did, and you made me see we could still do _something_.”

“There is more involved, and that comes on your timetable too, Bucky.” TJ pulled away to look at Bucky now, “Nothing happens that you don’t initiate.”

“Have I said I love you lately?” Bucky’s hands dropped to drape lazily around TJ’s waist.

“Not for a little while.” TJ’s hand slid down Bucky’s chest and rested over his heart.

“You promise not to drown?”

TJ let out a little laugh, “I don’t see how the two are related, but yes, I promise. I guarantee you I can swim. I’m a strong swimmer, honest. Promise not to freak out on me again?”

“I’ll do my best.” Bucky said, as if it were an oath to himself, “Ok then, let’s stop standing around.”

Bucky pushed off and swam a distance from TJ, Eddie stood at the edge of the water barking and TJ, even though he wanted to follow, hell, he wanted to drag Bucky back into the house, but he meant what he said more than anything. Even though he wanted to follow Bucky, he stood looking at Eddie and called, encouraging him to go farther than the waves that licked at his paws.

“Come on Eddie, let’s go swimmin’. You can do it buddy!” He repeated exuberantly, gesturing the ‘come’ signal they’d been working on. “Come on pal!!” he kept encouraging the dog as he got further and further from his self-determined ‘safe zone’.

“He’s doing it without treats!!” TJ called over his shoulder excitedly to Bucky.

“Good boy Eddie!” Bucky hollered back, treading water as he anxiously waited to see what would happen. He couldn’t understand the anxiety that had overtaken him when TJ had simply, as he’d said ‘swallowed some of the seawater’. He only knew that he would do anything to protect both TJ and the dog.

Eddie took a few tries going toward the water that was rushing him before jumping and paddling toward TJ. TJ kept cheering the dog on, only slightly thinking about his alternative fantasy. He meant what he’d said; this was in Bucky’s court now.

Bucky swam back to meet TJ and Eddie in an attempt to ease his paranoia. He swam up to TJ, who was still encouraging Eddie to follow him a little farther out.

“Hey.” TJ said when Bucky stopped near him.

“Hey, don’t push him too much.”

“You’re still nervous from earlier, that’s ok. You know Eddie won’t do anything he’s not cool with. I’m watching him.” TJ answered, putting a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and treading water using his legs and free hand. “Trust me baby.”

“Trust you? You? Who almost drowned?”

“Fuck, I didn’t almost drown. You panicked because I swallowed some water. You didn’t even give me a chance to find my feet. Settle down, please? This isn’t about me, is it? Something tripped in your memory, didn’t it?”

“Maybe. I don’t know, I know it’s paranoid thinking. I _know_ it is, TJ, but it really did scare me.”

“I understand. You do realize it’s over now, right? Both the memory and the thing that _didn’t_ happen with me. Hey Eddie!” TJ cheered for Eddie, who had gone back to the wet sand a couple of times before making it all the way out to where they were now treading water. “See, Eddie’s ok too. He’s getting more and more confident every day. TJ threw the ball he’d been holding onto to see if Eddie would swim after it. “Good boy!!” they both called after the boxer mix when he swam parallel to the shore line to retrieve the ball.

“Our turn, I can’t race you because of your super strength and super speed, but maybe you can fake it?”

“You mean let you win?”

“Hell no, I’d know it was a cheap win, but give me a decent shot before you roast me.” TJ smirked.

* * *

TJ was again lying across the blanket perpendicular to Bucky, with his head on Bucky’s flat belly, Bucky’s fingers were lazily trailing through the salty, almost dry strands that tickled his skin. They’d exhausted themselves and the dog swimming and frolicking in the surf and had come back to the blanket to add a new coat of sunscreen to all parties.

“You asleep?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Me? Or Eddie?” TJ’s voice was laced with humor.

“You. Ed’s snoring. We’re going to have to bathe him, all this salt won’t be good for him. He’s been really good about just drinking his water and not licking, I’m proud of this dog.”

“Me too. Ok so I didn’t know so much,” TJ looked over at Bucky, “I might not have thought about the bath right away.”

“You’re learning. It’s ok, I just saw some fliers at the shelter for summer safety. I might not have given it a second thought either.”

“Well, if you want to start grilling, I can see if he’ll let me bathe him. If not he will just have to wait til after dinner. I’m getting hungry, maybe you are too, I distinctly heard something that wasn’t an Eddie snore…”

“Yeah?” Bucky smiled, looking across his chest to see TJ, “How’re the acoustics?”

TJ rolled onto his side and kissed Bucky’s salty skin, “concerto worthy.”

“You’re hopeless. Come on then,” TJ watched Bucky’s muscles work as he sat up, “time to get to work. Steaks or burgers?”

“Mmm, steaks please. I’ll go see what I can figure out for Eddie then if things work out I’ll help out in the kitchen.” TJ took the offered hand up. “Come on Eddie, let’s both go get soaked again.”

“You know you’re going to do the same thing again tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, the price I pay for this mutt’s happiness.” TJ winked.

. . .

After finding the right stuff in the back of the house, an outdoor shower worked to get Eddie clean and TJ sprayed the fur, salt, and sand from his skin before heading to the patio where Bucky was standing in front of the grill. “We’re clean, you, on the other hand have a sheer, almost white salt layer.” TJ said as he approached from behind Bucky so he wouldn’t startle him.

“Well, if you want to throw a quick salad together while these steaks rest, I’ll hose off and be as fake clean as you are.” Bucky turned with his nose crinkled and a smile on his face before he kissed TJ.

“OK, but Eddie’s officially clean – shampooed and conditioned, so don’t call foul on him, he smells like summer breeze.”

“You smell pretty summery too.” Bucky teased as he passed TJ “Can you pull those off in about three minutes?”

“You bet.” TJ smiled after Bucky.

TJ was becoming extremely accustomed to the simple pleasures of daily life. He wanted to just escape here to this house, or one like it, and hide out from everyone. That would keep Bucky safe, and … they’d both get cabin fever after a while, who was he kidding? He couldn’t ask Bucky to give up the things he’d made for himself just to stay hidden. Even a place as nice as this could be a prison, something TJ knew only too well.

TJ carried the plate of grilled vegetables and two juicy steaks into the kitchen and he put together a simple spinach salad while he mulled the problem over. When Bucky came into the kitchen, he stopped at the end of the island and looked at TJ, “You appear to be very far away, is everything ok?”

“Hmm?” TJ looked up from the salad ingredients he’d been… what? Fondling? Preparing? “Yeah, I guess I was. Just thought how nice it would be to just stay here forever, then it wasn’t so nice after all.”

“Oh? A nightmare in the daytime?” Bucky asked taking the salad bowl before TJ could manhandle any more of the vegetables. “Happens to me.”

“No, just… after I thought it would be good to just stay someplace like this, hidden away and safe, I realized it would become a prison for you before too long.”

“And what about you? You’d have even more trouble keeping your family from seeking you out and trying to figure out if you were sober or not, I agree, it’s nice, but maybe we just keep it as an escape.”

“You’d like to come back? Maybe in a couple of weeks?” TJ brightened.

“Yes. Plan on it. We should grab every chance TJ.” Bucky said as he passed behind TJ brushing his bare waist. “We deserve it.”

“I like hearing you say that, admitting you deserve nice things is very comforting.”

“I’m trying to lead (and learn) by example.” Bucky said against TJ’s ear, kissing his neck lightly. “Let’s eat out on the back porch.”

“If it wasn’t such a high probability that someone would head out there, my Grandpa Hammond’s farm would be a neat place too. I have a lot of good memories there.” TJ said as he followed Bucky to the patio.

“Someday.” Bucky turned and took the plate with the steaks and vegetables from TJ, “I’m sorry, that sounds dismissive and sad. I mean it; I’d like to go there with you, meanwhile, we make our own memories, right?”

“Yes.” TJ put his arms around Bucky’s waist before he could move to the chair across from his. “Yes, we’re making good ones.” TJ agreed, kissing Bucky, “Right?”

“The best TJ.” Bucky practically growled against the corner of TJ’s mouth. “Trust me, the very best.”

“I’m glad, and I’m hungry. Steaks…” TJ smiled, sitting at the table. He gave Eddie the signal to lie down and grinned at how well the dog minded, even with the smell of steak as a possible distraction.

TJ’s foot found Bucky’s under the table as he cut into his steak, “I’m sorry if I brought things down, why is it so hard to just have now and not stress about what might happen in the future?”

“Because you and I are on a winding path, we know there’s a roadblock ahead but can’t see where it is. I know that what’s on the other side of that roadblock will be worth the trip, but the roadblock will be nasty.”

“You believe we’ll come out the other side?” TJ asked, eagerly anticipating a positive response.

“I told you. I said I’d come back. Are you sure you still wanna wait?”

“1000 years.” TJ said, feeling sappy but not caring, “and a day.”

“Oh? and a day, huh? Making things complicated.” Bucky gave TJ a broad smile, “I’ll keep my promise as long as I’m breathing. You believe that?”

“I believe.” TJ replied, “I swear, Bucky, tomorrow has to be better.”

“I’m not waiting until tomorrow, we make it better now. Stop worrying. Like you said earlier, try to put it away, it’s out of your hands TJ.” Bucky stretched his foot as TJ’s toes tickled it.

“I know. I’m not used to putting worry out of my head, I’m used to beating it out with chemicals.”

“You’re not tired enough then. We’re going back out into the water when we’re done here. I think Eddie’s plenty tired though, he can go to bed.”

“You just want to get out there again.” TJ smiled fondly across the table. “I can’t believe it’s been so few days that we’ve known each other. I feel like you’re a part of me that’s been missing forever and is finally back where it belongs. How can I lose you again?”

“You never lost me, and you won’t. I’ll come back. Let’s not talk about the leaving part. Please? It’s not on my radar.”

“Ok. I’m stopping. No more of that.”

“Convinced yet?” Bucky smiled, “How’s the steak?”

“You’re in a mood.” TJ frowned. “I guess I could use some of whatever your mood is made from.”

“TJ, we’re away from worries. I live in a world of that shit every day, but here, we’re just a couple of guys enjoying nature and more than just a _little bit_ of luxury. I know you’re used to it, but I’m not. I’m not gonna waste the time we have here fussing over things I can’t control.”

TJ sighed, “you’re right. I don’t know how you do it, how you don’t get stuck in your own head. I need those meditation skills you talked about, I guess.”

“Ok, after the swim your body will be ready to wind down and we can work on your mind. You trust me, right?”

“Yeah. Of course I do. Oh and the steak’s one of the best I’ve ever had.”

“He said as an afterthought.” Bucky smiled. He covered TJ’s hand with his, “It’s ok, I got stuck in my own head earlier. You helped me, I’ll help you.”

“That’s true.” TJ caught Bucky’s gaze, “thanks for that.”

“If you have to compare yourself to me, you have to take the bad stuff too.” Bucky said lightly, “I mean you can’t take my peaceful moments and compare them to the times you’re anxious.”

“Fair enough. I’m done.” TJ said, hoping to convince himself as much.

“Ok, then tell me, have you been here before?” Bucky would distract the hell out of TJ if he couldn’t reason him out of the doldrums.

“Not to this house, there’s one a few miles down the coast where we usually stay. Of course the reasons we didn’t go there are twofold, I wanted to make these plans _myself_ , and I couldn’t take any chance that someone the family knows would see us, or someone _in the family_ show up unannounced.” TJ explained, “I actually like this house better.”

“It is nice. I saw the hot tub in the yard; we should take advantage of that later.” Bucky suggested, “If you’re up for it. What would you do when you’d come here? It’s so much different from the beaches in Brooklyn.”

“I’m guessing it’s a lot different from the beaches in the forties too.”

“Thirties.” Bucky smiled fondly, “Yeah, but contrary to photographs, everything was in color.”

“Oh, I’m glad to hear that.” TJ snickered. “I’m surprised it wasn’t all black and white or sepia.”

‘That’s more like it.’ Bucky thought, his smile growing as TJ laughed.

“We’d swim, play ball on the beach, get into fights, I mean we were kids. We’d commiserate when our parents would argue, and we’d commiserate when they’d make out too.” TJ made a face.

“I’m all for swimming, playing, and making out. We won’t fight and we won’t have to do any more commiserating, ok?”

“Deal.” TJ said, setting his flatware across his plate. “I’ll clean up if you want to take Eddie and put him to bed.”

“Deal.” Bucky repeated, “unless you’d rather get your practice with Eddie.”

“No, I’m fine cleaning up, I’ll wash the dishes and everything.” TJ answered, taking what dishes he could stack and carry.

Bucky grabbed the rest and called to Eddie who fell into step with them. Bucky stopped at the door and gave the dog a couple of pieces of the meat he’d saved for him. “There you go pal, you’ve just been waiting for that, haven’t you?”

“Are you spoiling my dog again?” TJ asked over the water from the faucet.

“You bet. He has been so well behaved; he deserves a couple of pieces of lean meat.” Bucky grinned. “Aaaand, I’m a huge pushover.”

TJ smiled as he listened to the dog’s tags jingling as he raced with Bucky up the stairs and Bucky teased and praised him along the way. He washed the dishes and looked out over the beach thinking about how maybe doing the dishes was enjoyable after all. It was an opportunity to slow down and pay attention to his surroundings. He’d have to tell his mom she had a point.

He was washing the serving plates when Bucky tugged the towel from over TJ’s shoulder. “Hey.” Bucky said quietly.

“Hey.” TJ smiled and looked over his shoulder to see Bucky drying the glasses. “You’re off work. You don’t have to…”

“This isn’t work.” Bucky interrupted. “and I know how much you hate doing the dishes.”

“I don’t. I was actually thinking about how much I don’t.”

“Really?” Bucky leaned against the counter, his hip grazing TJ’s.

“Yeah, my mom loves it and I always thought she was just making it up, making a show of doing something domestic or something, but it’s relaxing. I guess I didn’t understand my mom as much as I pretended to.”

“It goes both ways, you know. If she understood you instead of thinking she did, maybe she could have been a better support.”

“We are always too busy being involved with ourselves to worry about other people. I want that to change, at least on my end.” TJ pulled out another dishtowel and started drying alongside Bucky.

“I think you’re doing a good job so far.” Bucky bumped TJ’s hip gently, “You’re concerned about me and Eddie.”

“Eddie counts, right? I mean he’s not people, but he’s ‘others’.”

“If he counts as something good I’m doing in my life, he counts for you.”

They finished putting dishes away before Bucky instigated a race to the shore.


	22. Chapter 22

TJ sighed as he settled into the hot tub next to Bucky, “This is so nice.”

“Yeah? Get a little cold out there?” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple. “I’m so sorry about earlier.”

TJ frowned, “Bucky, I told you, everything comes on your timetable. If you’re not ready to advance our relationship sexually beyond what we did on the beach this afternoon, it’s fine. It’s better than fine.”

“I led you on.” Bucky said, apology still thick in his voice. “I told you I wanted to and then I… I just couldn’t.”

“Even if you thought you wanted to, it happens. Hasn’t happened to me, but I haven’t been kept on ice for decades either.”

“We talked about it and I promised I wouldn’t use you as a test.”

“Bucky, I don’t think that’s what’s happening at all. If you’re ready for sex, you’re ready. If you aren’t, I don’t care. I’ll wait.”

“What if it never happens?”

“It never happens.” TJ shrugged, “Did you enjoy what we did on the beach? Even one little part?”

“Yes. All of it.”

“Can we do that again sometime?”

“Of course.”

“It’s enough Bucky.” To be honest, even TJ couldn’t believe TJ Hammond was saying such a thing, but this truth that burst out of him wasn’t just to protect Bucky, who was currently fighting tears over their failed attempt.

“You’re just saying that. I led you on; we got as far as…”

“Honey,” TJ took Bucky’s hands, staring intently at his metal fingers before looking up to equally shimmering eyes, “I know where we stopped, you were overwhelmed. It’s ok.”

“It was worse than that day in the shower.” Bucky tore his gaze from TJ’s, looking up at the night sky, not wanting to see the judgement that he was convinced had to be bottled up there in his gaze, since TJ was doing such a damned good job of keeping it out of their discussion.

“Worse than the shower?” TJ asked, incredulous, because for TJ, sure it was a letdown to be so close to fucking the most beautiful person on god’s earth, but it wasn’t anything like the devastation of seeing Bucky melt into tears of terror in the shower. Today, he had just moved away from TJ with a simple “I can’t”, yet TJ had still been able to wrap his arms promptly around Bucky so he could hold him and tell him repeatedly that it was ok in an attempt to reassure him.

“It was worse. I almost shut down entirely.”

“I couldn’t see it; you did a great job of hiding that. To me, you seemed very reserved, but you weren’t the puddle you’d been reduced to in the shower, pardon my pun.”

Bucky sucked in a deep breath before letting it out in a loud huff, “I’m… I don’t know TJ. Maybe you’d be better off without me.”

“You think you’re getting rid of me just because the thought of sex freaks you out? Hell no. I know I teased you along the way. I know you made the decision to do this _now_. Neither of those things matters, I only teased because I’m a jackass. You chose to do something because of _me_ and out of curiosity.” TJ held up a hand, “Let me finish, not sexual curiosity. I understand, you love me, you find me attractive, it’s plain as day the way you touch me and kiss me. You wanted to get the ‘first time’ out of the way and you planned on it happening. You didn’t count on the magnitude of it. I don’t even know if you considered whether you’d like it, or even if you’d be in the mood at the time you _thought_ it should happen.”

“You said it’s never happened to you, never? You’ve never just said ‘fuck no, this isn’t happening”?”

“No.” TJ snaked an arm around Bucky, splashing the water at the end of his toes. “But that’s not part of this discussion. That was me, being a smartass. Tell me something that is rattling around in your head right now.”

“I’m waiting for you to finally give up the façade and pass judgment on me for being fake.”

“Judgement, and then what? Retribution?”

“I know you’re not going to treat me like Hydra.” Bucky said, “If that’s what you’re getting at.”

“A question for you; if someone, maybe Lee, had been here, would it be different? I mean, sure it would, she’s not trying to shove a dick up your ass, but…”

“TJ, it’s not about that. No. Jesus, the mouth on you.”

“You liked it earlier.”

“I still do.” Bucky kissed TJ’s pout. “I really, really do.”

“Then that’s all that counts. There’s only one other thing I want to say about it is this. Thank you for saying no, instead of allowing me to make matters worse by fucking you even though you didn’t want it at the time.”

“You’re welcome?” Bucky asked, because, really, why was he being thanked?

“What?” TJ looked at Bucky.

“You thanked me for rejecting you, that’s just weird.”

“No, I thanked you for being true to yourself, not letting me keep going just because you thought that doing so would be better for me.”

“I’m still sorry.” Bucky buried his face in the crook of TJ’s neck, “I know I shouldn’t be, I know you think I’m being ridiculous, but I’m still quite embarrassed.”

“I don’t think you’re being ridiculous. You are well within your rights to feel embarrassed, but I don’t want you to feel embarrassment over something so personal. You chose yourself, in that moment, you chose your safety and your comfort, and that’s all I can ask of you. Always make choices that keep you safe.”

“I wanted to choose you.”

“Honey, you do, every day. We’re a week and a few days into this, we’re already gone over each other. The rest can come in its own time. I’m learning to be patient, and I promise you, I can wait.”

“I’m gonna need you to do something stupid so I can take my mind off of this.”

“You’re funny. You wanna see how long I can hold my breath?” TJ teased, lightly grazing the fly on Bucky’s swim trunks with his fingers. “You’re not even naked.”

“You’re impossible.” Bucky smiled. He took TJ’s face between his hands, “Don’t ever change.”

“Bucky, everyone wants me to change.” TJ said with a wry smile.

“They don’t know what you need, they want you to be healthy, and to them that means change. I want you to be _you_ and to be healthy. I don’t want any of the decent, goofy, loving, passionate person inside of you to be crushed in order for you to be healthy, I want all of those things for you.”

TJ straddled Bucky, letting Bucky’s hands fall down his chest. He placed his hands in Bucky’s hair and kissed him, tauntingly rubbing his hips against Bucky’s. “Does that mean you want to see how long I can hold my breath?”

“No, that just sounds…” Bucky chuckled, “dangerous. I’m going to be very practical and say the chemicals in the water are probably not good for your eyes, and since what you’re planning would require your whole head to be submerged, no.”

“You are a grandpa.” TJ pressed his chest to Bucky’s and Bucky held him against him.

“I’m not.”

TJ laid his head against Bucky’s shoulder and smiled. “I love you Bucky.”

“I know TJ. As crazy as it is, I know, and I love you.”

TJ’s smile softened before he kissed Bucky’s chest, then lifted his head to kiss him on the mouth, long and lingering, dissolving into short quick kisses and nips. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look tired.”

“It’s been a long, eventful day. I might benefit from some sleep.”

“All this water today, I’m a prune. I think I’m ready for dry land for a bit. Let’s go up to bed, let Eddie out and snuggle there. Can we open the windows?”

“Yes, I’m pretty sure we’re safe enough.” Bucky laughed softly. “I’ll make sure you’re safe.”

“I think you can go off duty. Eddie will make sure we’re both safe. He’s very protective.”

“True, I don’t have to worry about anyone sneaking up on us, he keeps close and has better hearing than even me.”

“Your hearing’s that good?”

“Enhanced pretty much everything. Sometimes not as much a blessing as a curse. Sometimes.”

TJ waited for Bucky to stand, not feeling self-conscious of his nakedness. No, he was aiming for being respectful. Because, though Bucky had been a good sport in the sensual arts today, Bucky had folded like a house of cards when they’d both gone inside for actual sex, and because TJ thought that just standing with his junk in Bucky’s face after all of that was incredibly insensitive.

Bucky stood next to TJ and held his hand out, “you coming?”

“Thought I’d be modest for your sake.”

“Never do that.” Bucky said, tugging TJ to his feet, holding him close. “I like your wild streak.”

“I didn’t think it was fair after…”

“Yeah, not fair after straddling me, making comments, rubbing up on me while you kissed me. By all means, don’t show me your body TJ.”

“I want to do the right thing Bucky.” TJ said, putting his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, not to push away, but because, god, what shoulders.

“Remember? We talked about this at the start of this tub experience. Still taking it slow, but we’re not going in reverse.”

“Fuck Bucky, I’m sorry. I can’t be making things easier.”

“I’m not going to let it bother me, we discussed it, and we’re good. I’ll be ready, or I won’t, and that’s all me. I don’t want you tiptoeing around it or taking any of it personally.”

“So I should just let you take it personally?”

“Nah, I’m just going to play things as they come. If it happens, you’ll be the one.”

“Unless I _am_ the reason it didn’t happen.”

“TJ, that body, you, you’re beautiful. You’re _not_ the reason it didn’t happen. I shut down, I just… my mind fucked me over, making it so that you couldn’t.”

TJ flashed a quick smile at the comment before it faded, “You didn’t say what happened, I mean you don’t have to, but if you ever think you want to…”

“I felt sudden panic. I felt like I just… well, I said it already, I felt like I shut down.”

“When you said, “I can’t”, the words were quiet and frightened. I hated to think I frightened or terrorized you. I understand though, panic attacks happen at the most inopportune moments. Were you building it up too much? Or afraid at all, going into it?”

“No, I wasn’t afraid, maybe I was trying too hard, maybe I – TJ I’m confused. I want to be with you, I really, _really_ liked this afternoon, and you give a mighty blow job.” TJ was sure Bucky blushed, at least a little, “I thought I wanted more, I believe I do?”

TJ’s heart melted at the question, at the uncertainty that was Bucky’s personal struggle, “I honestly will stick with you no matter what. I’m just that into you. If you ever determine you don’t want more, please don’t be afraid to tell me. I love you for who you are Bucky.”

“I love that about you.” Bucky stepped out of the hot tub, handing TJ a towel then wrapping one around his waist. “You’ll clearly do something foreign enough to you, to ensure my happiness.”

“Foreign? You make it sound like I’m depraved.”

“I wasn’t trying to. You’re adventurous, and sexual. You’re not used to this.”

“All true things. Remember though, when I told you about my sexual antics, they were generally hand-in-hand with my drug antics. I can go a shocking length of time without getting…”

Bucky stopped him with a kiss, “I’m not calling you out. You were in a long-term relationship. You’ve had the patience of Job with me.”

“You don’t want to hear any slang?” TJ teased, “I thought maybe some dirty talk would get you in the mood.”

“TJ, sweet TJ. I’m taking you upstairs now. I need practice.”

“You’re just saying that to make up…”

Bucky pressed against TJ playfully, “I think I’m not.”

TJ’s mouth turned up in a smile feeling Bucky’s arousal against his own, separated by just a few layers of cotton. “You don’t have to do…”

“I know.” Bucky’s fingers wrapped around the back of TJ’s neck and he tugged him closer for a deep kiss. Bucky made promises with his mouth on TJ’s tongue and lips. “I will do this right here, but I’d prefer upstairs.”

TJ’s heart was racing, knowing what was being promised, but he made the effort, while peppering kisses at the corner of Bucky’s mouth and along his jaw, to remember not to get his hopes up. He wanted everything to be Bucky’s idea, he knew what he wanted and what he was doing, Bucky was in over his head, and he wanted to make sure he never actually realized it.

“Upstairs.” TJ repeated, agreeing while better securing his towel at his waist. He followed, grabbing Bucky’s towel from behind as he went, and discarding it on the floor. Bucky looked over his shoulder, wet hair falling in his face, and TJ grinned. “What? You’re still clothed.”

“You’re a real pleasure TJ. You make me happy.”

TJ crashed into Bucky with his arms clinging around his waist, his face was newly wet from tears that burned, and he buried his face in Bucky’s wet hair, cooling his heated cheeks. Bucky pulled TJ’s arms loose and turned around, wrapping his arms around TJ tightly.

“What is it TJ?” he asked softly, suspicious he already knew the answer.

“I could hear that for another millennium and not hear it enough. I mean, I’m glad, I honestly am. I’m never anyone’s pleasure or happiness; I’m their disappointment or problem. I’m the reason they’re unhappy or frowning.”

“I can guarantee they aren’t expressing themselves properly. If they’re disappointed, it’s misplaced, because their disappointment needs to be in their inability to work around the way you function and find a way to help you. If they’re unhappy, it’s their own failures making them so, never you TJ. Never you. You make my life lighter. You have realistic expectations of me and of our future, so I don’t feel pressure or fear. You’re not afraid to make light of dark situations and my life is full of dark situations, so I want to thank you for showing me a new way of thinking.”

“We’re a couple of real pieces of work.” TJ complained. “I don’t deserve you.”

“I’d say it was the other way around. But I’m trying to stop giving myself that kind of emotional baggage. Come on sweetheart.” Bucky hugged TJ tighter before letting him go, “sexy things or sleep, you decide.”

TJ stopped midway up the stairs, he wished he could get a good comfort fuck from Bucky, he wouldn’t say it even though he nearly did, he wished he wasn’t so far away from a fix, and that he did share, “I don’t know how to deal with this kind of thing. You’re saying nice things to me, people only do that to get something from me, while I know that’s not your thing, kind words are almost as bad as the shitty ones and I’d just… I want to erase them and the feelings they give me.”

“I won’t stop. You’re going to have to get used to hearing kindness as it is intended.” Bucky knew TJ was reaching out; he wouldn’t make a dramatic thing out of his subtle mention that still came out pain-filled, “Even Jacob? Wouldn’t he ever say kind things to you?”

“Not like _that_. I mean, he’d stroke my ego, and he’d talk me up to his friends and for sex. He never once said anything like you’ve said to me, ‘undervalued’ and ‘you make me happy’. I think, when you say ‘I love you’ I hear the usual, ‘you’re ok to be around when you’re pleasant’, but when you say I’m a pleasure, or I’m undervalued, or you say I make your life lighter, those are real “love words” to me Bucky.”

“I wish it wasn’t like that TJ. I really wish you heard the other things when I say ‘I love you’, because I am saying them too. When _I_ say ‘I love you’, it’s because for the first time in decades, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I have chosen to allow someone into my heart. I’ve been alone for so long, I could continue to be alone, and I know how to do it as an automatic default. I’ve chosen you. I love you, because you’re a beautiful person, inside. You’re no slouch to look at, I have good taste in pretty people, but you’re so much more than that.”

TJ sat down on the step he was standing on, afraid that if he didn’t, he’d fall. Bucky knelt in front of him, putting his right hand on TJ’s cheek.

“I’m sorry Bucky. I’m… you…” He took a breath and looked into gray eyes, “You overwhelmed me. I don’t like hearing that you can be alone _just like that_ , that makes me angry, and sad. I’m only used to hearing any of the things you’ve said with an ulterior motive behind it, or hearing it said to someone else. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted it for myself and _knew_ in my heart it would never happen.”

“Never say never.” Bucky smiled a small, soft smile, “Because it happened. As for the alone thing, I couldn’t do it again, not with the intent of it being permanent. Not since you.”

“Things got so serious today.” TJ complained. “I thought we were getting away from everything.”

“We can’t get away from ourselves and as trite as it sounds, tomorrow’s another day.”

“Guess I spoiled the mood huh?” TJ looked up as Bucky stood.

“How about we go find out if we can get it back?” Bucky offered TJ a hand, “If not, we’ll just stay close, ok?”

TJ looked at Bucky’s metal fingers, touched them tenderly, before grasping his hand. “This thing ever malfunction?” he asked as they conquered the remaining steps.

“Not unless some shield-wielding paragon of righteousness tries to hack it off with a vibranium Frisbee.” Bucky chuckled.

TJ stopped in the doorway to the bedroom looking at Bucky with an amused smile. “You’re having a sense of humor about him, that’s new.”

“It’s new or very old. I’m not sure which.”

“He didn’t?”

“He did. To be fair I was trying to kill him. And Natalia – I mean Natasha – at the time.”

“The two people you loved.” TJ said solemnly, reaffirming his hatred for Hydra.

“Yeah.” Bucky breathed. “I shouldn’t bring them up to you, it’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not that. It wasn’t you, you know. You were doing _their_ work and I hate them for it. Wait?! Natasha? As in Romanoff? As in the Black Widow?”

“Natalia Alianovna Romanova. Natasha Romanoff, The Black Widow. I told you…”

“You told me.” TJ nodded, crossing the room and sitting on the bed. “I just don’t know why my feeble mind didn’t connect the two.”

Bucky let Eddie out of his crate and sat next to TJ, while Eddie sat at their feet. They both grabbed an ear and rubbed it between their fingers. “Your mind isn’t feeble, that would be mine. I don’t think you’ve done as much damage to yours as they did to mine. You didn’t make the connection because you don’t think like that, which is perfectly fine because I like it that way.” Eddie climbed up onto the bed and settled his head on TJ’s lap. “He feels the same way about you that I do.”

“That’s right, you speak dog.” TJ allowed a tiny laugh. “So back to my original question, if it malfunctioned now, what would you do?”

“Well, I wondered, while I was living homeless and scared, if it was evil. I wondered if somehow it was as bad as the things I did with it. After DC, Steve had disabled my right arm, I had to set it myself, and once it was healed, I knew I could live one-handed. I just had to get used to doing it with a weaker arm. So, I shut it down. I lived on the streets with one functioning arm for about twelve weeks. Roughly six each.”

“What made you change your mind?”

Bucky lay back across the bed, his legs dangling from the edge. He put his arms behind his head and looked at the ceiling, recessed, with detailed crown molding. “I needed food. I needed money. I needed to work. Homeless, illegal persons can’t find much. Disabled homeless persons are even more limited and my disability could be overcome. I did work like that.” Bucky pointed at the details in the ceiling. “Some people with money like keeping their money and they like having nice things so it looks like they have money, so they hire able-bodied people off the streets for pennies on the dollar.”

TJ turned to face Bucky and Eddie repositioned himself, placing his head on Bucky’s bare belly. TJ took Bucky’s hand in his, tracing the plates lightly, “I know a few of those people. It’s not you know. It’s not evil.”

“I know. I got my thinking straightened out. My mind was a puzzle and things didn’t make sense that should have, and other things, things that shouldn’t make sense were just nightmares waiting to spring on me. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t do evil things TJ.”

“I know. We talked about that, and as much as I want to disagree with you about accountability, it’s not my place.”

Bucky tugged the corner of TJ’s towel, and it fell in a pool on the bed. TJ straddled Bucky’s hips and kissed him on the lips before making a path down to his chest. “Eddie, crate.” Bucky said quietly. The dog looked up and sniffed TJ’s neck.

“Crate boy.” TJ confirmed. He chuckled against Bucky’s nipple when the dog groaned and got up to obey.

Bucky brought his fingers to grip TJ’s hair. “Keep that up.” Bucky laughed huskily.


	23. Chapter 23

Bucky woke to the sounds of the shore, and a dog snoring on his naked body. He also smelled the ocean air mixed with something sweet and hot smelling. He was _nearly_ curious enough to follow the scent, but after the long day and late night, he resisted curiosity. He reached to pet Eddie slowly, lingering in the afterglow of sleep.

He’d nearly opened himself up again for sex with TJ but a persistent fear kept him from saying anything, and he decided it was best for them both if they just continued to enjoy what he was comfortable with. He thought about it and tried to figure out what the fear meant. He wondered and dismissed the theory that something had happened with Hydra, he’d remember that, wouldn’t he? He had organized and categorized all of the memories he had recovered and sexual trauma wasn’t on the list.

Eddie perked up before Bucky heard TJ’s footsteps on the stairs. Bucky sat up against the headboard, the sheet still covering him from the waist down, except for the entire length of his right leg.

“Hey. I was going to wake you.” TJ said from behind a tray of delicious smelling pancakes(?) Bucky guessed before seeing the food.

“You did, with the aroma of whatever that is.” Bucky smiled, taking the tray and setting it away from Eddie. He leaned toward TJ for a kiss. “It looks amazing. You said you could cook. I didn’t realize you made perfect pancakes.”

“You haven’t tasted them.”

“I can see them and smell them; they don’t look or smell disappointing. Give yourself some credit.”

“Crate Eddie.” TJ said after petting the dog lovingly. “We’re about to find out.”

Bucky surveyed the berry covered pancakes and the plate of bacon while Eddie took to his crate, “it all looks amazing. Thank you TJ.”

“You’re welcome. I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I remembered we had stuff to make all of this, so I went down, googled a recipe and managed it. You’re rubbing off on me.” TJ grinned as he scooted the tray so it was closer and between them.

Bucky took a strip of bacon before cutting into the fluffy pancakes. “I’m glad you’re learning new things TJ. Perfect bacon.”

TJ kissed Bucky’s bacon flavored lips, “Thanks.”

“So in addition to breakfast, what else have you got cooked up for today?”

“I like what you did there.” TJ smiled before taking a bite of his pancake. He thought about what he could suggest while chewing. “We could take the lazy route, hang out and watch the sunrise from the deck, read on the beach, play with Eddie.”

“I like those suggestions. Maybe exactly the unwinding we need after yesterday.”

“Bonfire on the beach tonight after a late swim?”

“Also a good plan. It doesn’t sound boring to you?”

“Bucky, it sounds heavenly to me. I want a real shower after watching the sun come up, then I say we wait for said sun to warm the sand a little before we go out. Did you have something you wanted to do?”

Bucky nodded through a rather large bite of pancake, fruit and syrup before swallowing, “I came without expectations, except for the one hurdle I’ve only half cleared.”

“Oh. Well, that’s just…” TJ finished the bite he was talking around, “Ok, I’m no good at positive affirmations Bucky help me out here. If I had an expectation for myself that was beyond what I could achieve, what would you say to me if I felt like meeting it partway was less than enough?”

“Shut up.” Bucky smiled, pushing TJ’s shoulder. “I know what you're doing. Thank you.”

TJ kissed the corner of Bucky’s mouth. “You’re welcome. So what should we do between sunrise and warm sand?”

“I say we bake something, while playing loud music.”

“Seriously?” TJ looked at Bucky with wide, shocked eyes.

“I’ve wanted to bake, the oven in my kitchen has two settings, ptomaine and charred. So we’ll be using the stove-top for any cooking while you’re at my place, if you still want to stay over.”

“I’ll get that oven fixed, or replaced.” TJ determined. “You should have said something. We’ve had all week at my place. Baking something it is.”

“I didn’t say anything because I was enjoying the things we were doing. I didn’t want to raise a stink with the landlord because I don’t want to be memorable. Thank you for offering.”

“I’m pretty sure telling the property owner the oven is crap isn’t raising a stink, I’m not offering, I’m doing. I won’t ‘raise a stink’, just a simple phone call should do it.”

“I could have fixed it, probably would have if the urge ever stayed long enough.”

“And you weren’t working back to back double shifts all the time.”

“And that.” Bucky agreed, swiping the last piece of pancake through the syrup on his plate. “Don’t do anything, I’ll fix the oven.”

“I won’t interfere.” TJ reluctantly admitted. He moved the tray and crawled over Bucky’s legs, “Sunrise –come on.”

Bucky followed TJ with his eyes before turning his head toward the open door. He was still surprised that he had slept comfortably with the door wide open. It was dangerous, letting his guard down like this, but he supposed just this once. He swung his legs over the bed and the sheet followed him as he stood up. He let it slip over his waist and leg, trailing across the floor, when he got up and walked over to the dresser. He pulled out some underwear and slipped them on, lazily straightening the waistband as he joined TJ on the balcony.

TJ was in the lounge chair closest to the door and he draped his legs over either side of the chair and beckoned Bucky to join him. Bucky sat in the space left, leaning back against TJ, and hugging TJ’s legs when he put his feet up on the chair next to Bucky’s thighs. TJ kissed Bucky’s head.

“I can’t see how you’re comfortable.” Bucky said.

TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky, “I like being close, aren’t you comfortable?”

“I am, but I’m not being crushed.”

“Shh.” TJ said into Bucky’s hair. “Nonsense.”

“Thank you for breakfast TJ. Those pancakes were some of the best ever. I think you might have even outdone Matty.”

“No way. I mean I’ve never had his breakfast but if it’s anything compared to his – his everything. Seriously?”

“Fluffier, light, flavorful. Perfect.” Bucky said, squeezing TJ’s legs against him playfully with each word.

TJ wrapped his legs around Bucky, settling them over his thighs in his lap and Bucky dropped his hands to cover TJ’s over his belly.

“Ok, wow.” TJ said, leaning his head back against the seat back. “You’re welcome love.”

“I’d thank you even if they were bad, but I guarantee you, they were the finest I’ve had in ages.”

“You’d thank me, but would you tell me?” TJ asked with obvious humor.

“I’d probably suggest ways to improve them.” Bucky admitted, “I wouldn’t tell you they were bad. Unless they were painfully, obviously, hockey pucks, I’d probably say something then.”

“Wow.” TJ laughed, “You’re such a nice guy. You’d suffer and say nothing unless they were painfully bad, what a sweetheart. Look at the colors.” TJ added with awe, kissing Bucky’s hair again tenderly.

“Haven’t seen anything quite like it in a long time. Stevie used to want me to describe the colors when I would inadvertently say ‘look at the colors’. It’s so hard to describe something someone can’t fathom, and to an artist no less.”

“I guess it would be.”

“I’m sorry. So unfair of me to do that to you.”

“I’ll hear anything you want to talk about Bucky. Anything important to you is important to me. You’ve gone from ‘don’t want to talk about it’ to mentioning him casually. I think it’s nice.”

“What’s the best memory you have from a sunrise?”

“This one.”

“That’s cheating. It’s not a memory yet, it’s still happening. Answer my question.”

“Probably from the ultimate source of my best memories, Grandpa Hammond’s farm, before drugs and sexuality ruined my expectations. Farm life starts early and even though it was a luxury getaway, it was – is – also a smallholding. I used to get up early to go bug the farm hands and feed the animals. Every morning the sky was a different array of colors, and the animals were there with no expectations beyond food. One morning when I was pretty little,” TJ moved his hand to brush a bug away from his face, and then trailed his fingers through Bucky’s hair, playing with the ends that were past Bucky’s shoulder, “I snuck out because a cow was in labor and I wanted to see the baby. I hid behind the barn listening to the cries of the momma through the darkness. A couple of times, the sounds she made nearly frightened me enough to give up and run back inside. The first time, it was darker between the barn and the house so I decided I was safer where I was. The second time, I could see across the yard because the sky had started to lighten. I looked up and it was purple, almost like this. The horizon was a burning pinkish red and I hugged my knees to my chest, too frightened to move.”

“Why? And how is that a ‘best memory?”

“Shh. I just remembered hearing the adage my dad used to say, “Red sky at night, sailors' delight. Red sky at morning, sailors take warning” I’d asked what it meant and the way it was explained to me, kind of one of those ‘doom-and-gloom’ things, so I was afraid something would happen with the calf or the cow. Nothing bad happened, though, the sky lightened and the colors changed to pale pink, then golden yellow and blue before the sun rose and the calf cried. I hurried around to peek in and the farm hand gave me a look. “Shoulda come in, boy. You coulda seen it.” I knelt by the calf “Didn’t need to see it happen, is he ok?” and he told me “She’ll be just fine. You’ll wanna get outa the way, she’s gonna want her ma.” I asked about the red sky thing and he just laughed and said it was a storm thing that superstitious people had bastardized.”

“Are you superstitious, TJ?” Bucky laughed.

“I’m not. I’ve got too many other problems. I think that was the first time I realized I was lied to as a kid. I guess my dad’s not only a blustering, stereotype; he’s a superstitious, blustering stereotype.”

“Did you mean it? You didn’t want to see the birth, just the baby?” Bucky asked with absolute curiosity.

“I did _not_ want to see whatever caused that poor creature to cry so much. I just wanted to see the calf. I kinda fell in love with her that summer.”

“Aww TJ.” Bucky said softly, “Please tell me she didn’t end up on your dinner table.”

“She had a couple of calves of her own, I learned to milk her, but I didn’t enjoy that much at that age, I had more important things to do – don’t ask, I was a kid – and I was just there for the summers. I don’t think she wound up on _our_ dinner table, but I never asked whose. I mean, I was made aware of farm life and the purpose of the animals long before that calf was born.”

“You named her.” Bucky said, turning away from the light blue sky to look at TJ.

“I did. I called her Honey.”

Bucky smiled.

“What? She was honey colored, and the ‘land of milk and honey’ was stuck in my head. I named her Honey.” TJ laughed.

“I love it. So, farm boy,” Bucky turned over on the chair, laying his chest against TJ’s “what should we bake?”

TJ ran one hand down Bucky’s back and over his underwear, to grab his ass, while cradling his head with the other, enjoying the weight on him, “Your call. This was your idea.”

Bucky didn’t answer; he was enjoying the closeness himself, the feel of TJ’s fingertips scratching his neck lightly while his other hand kneaded his ass-cheek.

TJ wondered if Bucky had fallen asleep, so he angled his head to peek, and caught Bucky’s gaze. “I thought you’d crashed.”

“Nah, just didn’t want to disturb this. You didn’t get to celebrate your birthday properly, and we missed mine, maybe we should bake a cake. We can call it a celebration of both.”

“Have you ever baked a cake before?” TJ asked cautiously.

“Nope, but I watched an awful lot of cakes being baked growing up.” Bucky said, resting his chin on TJ’s chest, “I can also navigate a recipe.”

At TJ’s disbelieving look, Bucky sat up on the end of the seat, between TJ’s legs, and crossed his own legs. “Let’s go find out, or do you not trust me?”

“You can’t start that again, we’ve covered all the ways I trust you.” TJ said, putting his hands on Bucky’s knees. “Do we have everything we need? Do I need to make a shop run?”

“Ok, that I can’t answer, let’s go find out.”

“Probably should put something more than underwear on.” TJ observed. “We’re both underdressed for baking and especially for shopping.”

* * *

They found the kitchen stocked for just about everything needed for the cake recipe they found. The only thing missing was powdered sugar, and TJ decided he was an accomplished enough shopper to pick that up without help. Bucky decided he was probably right, but the trip to the store could wait until they had the cake batter mixed and the cake baking.

“I’ll stay and monitor the oven, you can go, either while it’s baking, or while it’s cooling.” He said.

“I didn’t even think about cooling time. Yay, I don’t have to tell you not to bake while I’m gone and I can help lick the bowl.” TJ grinned.

“I’m glad you said ‘help’ because I’ll have you know that’s half the reason I want to do this.” Bucky said, causing TJ to laugh. “What? You think licking the bowl or spoon was discovered after I swan-dived off a cliff?”

“Oh my god! You didn’t just say that.” TJ’s working practice to _not_ react to Bucky’s jokes about things vanished with his pain and shock.

“I did. When are you going to stop pretending to be shocked by me?”

“I’m not fucking pretending. That’s horrible.” TJ stood two feet away from Bucky’s outstretched (left) hand, staring at it with a pained look.

“TJ.” Bucky said gently. “If you were the one it happened to and I said it, you could be horrified. You barely get to be appalled. I mean, come on. If you can’t change the past, does that mean you can’t mention it?”

“Not like that.”

“You blithely joke about your addiction, using terms like ‘junkie’ even though you know the word upsets me, but you wrestled with it and you feel ok with it. I have to take it in stride. I’ll try to be a little less out there, but seriously, what am I supposed to do? Cry over it? I have, let me just tell you. I’m about cried out TJ.”

TJ moved closer, taking Bucky’s metal hand in his; he ran his hand up the wrist and over the elegantly sculpted metal. “Best thing those bastards ever did.” He muttered.

“I know, you’ve said so before.” Bucky smiled sweetly, “it’s ok TJ. It was a long time ago.”

“Prove it. You still have nightmares about falling.”

“Yeah, I have nightmares about a lot of stuff, doesn’t mean that it’s not ok in the light of day.” Bucky pulled TJ close, slipping his arms around TJ’s waist and letting them hang loose over his hips, “It’s ok, I promise. Once we get things squared away, maybe I’ll even get your therapist’s number, or a reference from them.”

“Won’t stop your horrible sense of humor.” TJ frowned.

Bucky kissed TJ’s pout. “Go to the store, get the stuff. I’ll wait ‘til you get back.”

“No, we’ll do what we said. I’m ok, you’re just an asshole.”

“Yup.” Bucky tightened his arms around TJ. “I apologize for that. Honest I do.”

TJ hugged Bucky, holding tight and breathing him in, “I’m sensitive, and that’s on me. You’re right; you should be able to deal with this bullshit any way that gets you through. Don’t censor yourself because of me, but I’ll call you out if it sucks.”

“and that sucked.” Bucky added.

“Yeah, it did. I’d advise you not to use that particular brand of humor on Steve when you do talk to him.”

“Oh god no. No, he was there, that would be pure evil TJ.” Bucky held TJ. “No, you can be assured it won’t happen. Your reaction was hard enough.”

“Recipe.” TJ said, not pulling away from the embrace yet. “Baking, let’s get back on track.”

Bucky released TJ and put his hands on either side of TJ’s face, “I’m sorry.” He said, earnestly as he looked into TJ’s eyes.

“I know. You’re forgiven, if you forgive my sensitivity.”

“I don’t want to forgive it; it’s a very endearing quality. You’re right, let’s get back on track. If you’ll get the bowls, I’ll get the oven started and the pans.”

“Right. Baking.” TJ pasted a smile on, but Bucky wasn’t fooled.

Bucky rubbed his thumb lightly over TJ’s lower lip. “Unless you want to forget about it?”

“This I don’t want to forget about, what you said? That I want to forget.”

Bucky’s thumb hovered just under TJ’s lip, and he leaned in, kissing TJ. “What’s good ‘change the subject’ music?”

“I don’t know,” TJ kissed back, “Something loud and happy.”

“You know your way around your playlists better than I do, loud and happy. Get on it.” Bucky pulled TJ’s head closer, resting his forehead on TJ’s. “Make it good.”

TJ allowed a real smile to unfold, kissing Bucky before moving away to get his phone. “When have I ever disappointed?”

“Hasn’t happened yet.” Bucky said, rounding the large island, turning the oven on as he passed, before grabbing the cake pans from the cabinet next to the double-ovens. “This is exactly the kind of kitchen I could get used to.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty great. One of these days I’ll have to show you the Whitehouse kitchens.” TJ said, swiping through his playlists before stopping, wide-eyed.

“I’m looking forward to it.” was all Bucky said, not looking at TJ as he stooped to find the mixing bowls.

“Goals.” TJ said over the music he’d chosen.

“Good to have them. I’m honestly going to hold you to it.” Bucky said, handing TJ a bowl. “You want dry or wet ingredients?”

“Dry, I guess.” TJ shrugged, happy that his slip wasn’t upsetting, and even seemed to be a good thing.

“Don’t do what I did. Don’t ever get the salt and sugar mixed up. Trust me on this.”

“You never? You’re smarter than that.” TJ smirked.

“Not when I was about yay high” Bucky held his left hand about hip level, “and not paying attention to the bins they were coming out of. It was a complete waste.”

They both laughed as TJ measured. “Now I’m self-conscious that I’ll get something mixed up, nice.” TJ said, hip-checking Bucky.

“I’m pretty sure you’re doing it right.” Bucky answered with a warm smile, cracking an egg into the bowl with his left hand. “I was just teasing anyway.”

They worked side-by-side combining ingredients, TJ started singing along to the music that blasted the room, and Eddie slumbered in the sofa under the window.

Bucky stopped what he was doing, taking a towel to wipe the vanilla from his hand, and watched TJ with a fond smile. He lingered too long, and TJ caught him gaping. “What?”

“You.”

“Ok, me what?”

“I just like watching you.” Bucky blushed and grinned. “and listening to you.”

“Oh.” TJ swallowed, feeling the warmth rushing through him. Red flags went off in his head and he turned away before Bucky could see him falter. “oh.”

TJ looked around for the keys, his wallet, anything to distract him. Twice before in his life he’d felt this honest rush of emotion and both times he’d been torn apart by opening up to it.

“TJ? Did you lose something?” Bucky knew that wasn’t it, but left the subject for TJ to bring up.

“Yeah. Every time I let someone in.” TJ sniffed. “Dammit this was supposed to be a better day. This was supposed to be better.”

“Don’t force it. Do you want to mix the batter?” Bucky wanted nothing more than to pull TJ into his arms, but TJ had put space between them and his back to him; he’d wait for TJ to be ready. How well he knew when a bad day or a bad week could put things off kilter.

TJ turned and looked at Bucky. “I’m fucking things up and you’re just pretending nothing’s happening?”

“Honey, I’m giving you an out. I’m giving you some space to think and a chance to do whatever you need to do. I don’t know what I said, I’m not sure if I could undo it if I tried, but I meant what I said, in case you doubt my sincerity.”

“I don’t. I doubt my life. Every time someone says something that makes me think, “This is it”, it’s not. It’s not “it”.”

“We know two things, you and me.” Bucky said, turning to look out the window, “We know we love each other, suddenly and vastly. We know I’m going to hurt you. Please don’t make that be now. Don’t let my love, my adoration, be the thing that hurts you, don’t make me watch.”

“Three things.” TJ said from behind Bucky. Just far enough back so as not to spook him, and close enough to be reassuring. “You’ll come back.”

“Three. I will come back.” Bucky agreed, covering TJ’s arms with his as they snaked around his waist.

“You know when you get a feeling that reminds you of other feelings? I let that sensation fuck with me.” TJ said close to Bucky’s ear. “How are you so patient?”

“I know what happens. You’re functioning very well in a ‘not-so-good’ space you’ve found yourself in. Sometimes it lasts a day, sometimes a week am I right?”

“I don’t know. I guess, yeah. Sometimes Jacob and I would fight. I’d start it, instigate it, or I’d just be petulant until it came to blows.”

“God TJ. Tell me he didn’t hit you?” Bucky turned in TJ’s arms.

“I can’t say there weren’t punches thrown. I can’t say I didn’t set it off either.”

“Did you throw the first punch?”

“No. No. I was sober, I don’t get violent when I’m sober.”

“Jesus TJ.”

“I fought back. I did, it’s just…”

“I’d better never cross paths with this _Jacob._ ” Bucky said with a cold voice and a colder stare.

“No. No, no, that’s not going to happen. Never.” TJ said urgently, “Bucky promise me.”

“I promise you I’m not even contemplating murder. Threats, maybe.”

“Bucky, you’re in hiding, not very well, because of me, but if you go looking for him…”

“TJ, if I ever had the chance, you’d better bet I’d have words with him, but I’m not going to jeopardize what we have. I’m not going to make things worse for you, when it comes to trying to build my case to your mother. But god almighty, anyone ever raises a fist to you, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

“It wasn’t a regular thing, come on Bucky.” TJ put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders. “Calm down. I shouldn’t have said anything. ‘S not like I haven’t gotten rough with somebody.”

“Not. The. Same. TJ.”

“I know, it only happened a few times and it’s over now.”

Bucky rested his forehead in the crook TJ’s neck, feeling his pulse, “Shouldn’t ever happen. Relationship should have ended the first time.”

“I know.” TJ didn’t think that when it had happened, TJ had been in fights, and been roughed up before, so he figured it was acceptable, explaining it to Bucky and seeing the horror made him rethink everything, “I’m afraid I didn’t know it at the time. I just…”

“Often?”

“No. No, not often. Not that that makes it ok, it – I guess I’m… I don’t know, making excuses. I have to stop making excuses.”

“Please stop making excuses. No one should abuse you, a little or a lot. Promise me, if I have to leave you, that you won’t stay in a situation like that ever again.”

“I told you I was waiting for you, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“I want to hear the promise.”

“Bucky, I promise I won’t stay in another abusive relationship. I also promise I’m going to be single and celibate until you come back to me, so just don’t leave in the first place.”

“I wish I could do that. I hope I can. Do you realize how hard leaving you would be?”

TJ didn’t realize it at all, people left him all the time, it must be pretty easy actually.

“Cake batter.” TJ said instead, to change the subject. “We need to get back to that. Next time we come I should be in a better place.”

“It’ll be my turn then.” Bucky said with a gentle smile. “I hate that he hit you, and you gave him gifts and celebrations and cried over him. I hate that”.

“Don’t. It’s in the past. It bothers you more than it has me.” TJ tried to soothe Bucky.

“That’s the problem TJ. It _should_ bother you. You deserve better, better than fools who send you to try to end your life, better than assholes who hit you, and better than a broken, brainwashed assassin. You deserve more than to be hiding out, keeping yourself in the shadows. You’re beautiful and should be out in the sun and be seen, and you should be with someone who can take you there.”

“Don’t you dare!” TJ turned to face Bucky, “Don’t you dare turn this into a campaign against you. You’re better than every man I’ve ever even _looked_ at combined. Broken, sure, but we’re both broken. Brainwashed? How is that supposed to work against you? That reeks of victim – and I don’t mean in the way the _word_ ‘victim’ has become vilified, I mean in the purest sense of the word. I choose to be with you, because I fucking love you. I don’t care that it happened in the span of a few hours. I love you and you’ll never convince me you’re _bad_ for me.”

“Even if I get you killed?”

“I won’t be able to say you’re right or wrong then. Listen, you’re not going to ‘get me killed’ ok? You’re not a danger to me and you’re not a hardship. You just happen to be one of the kindest, well adjusted – don’t give me that look – you can function after everything they did to you. You can give me advice and tips how to live and be a better person, you can be loved by Lee and by Matt and god, by me, as if that’s something you need in your life. You help poor defenseless animals, and you have a smile on your face more often than not. That’s pretty damned well adjusted.”

“I’m afraid all of that could fall apart at any moment. It’s a mask TJ. It’s what I _need_ to do to get through, you know how that is.”

“I do. But it doesn’t make me less of a person. You love me, Lee and Matt like me. I’m learning too. The mask is temporary Bucky. You’re putting the work in and you’re figuring it out. One of these days, the mask will be gone and that will just be you.”

“God, I hope so. You don’t have any other surprises up your sleeve do you? I mean this thing with Jacob derailed me.”

“No, we’ve about covered the losers I’m attracted to. You? Any other crazy shit in your past? I mean you can’t top brainwashed assassin, but still.”

“Let’s see, born in 1917, Captain America, World War Two army sergeant, amputee, brainwashed assassin. Bout covers it. Can’t think of anything that would trump any of that.”

“I can’t either. Seems like we might have hit the tipping point. Either of us was gonna leave it’d be now.” TJ folded his arms, leaning a hip against the island.

 Bucky mirrored his stance, resting his behind against the apron front of the farm sink. “I ain’t goin anywhere.”

TJ stared at Bucky before relaxing his gaze, and letting his eyes drop from Bucky’s to his wavering frown and down over the form of Bucky’s body. He smiled softly and closed the space between them, stepping into Bucky’s space and melting into his arms as soon as Bucky uncrossed them.

“I’m sorry I made things weird.” TJ said, hugging tightly.

“I’m sorry I got judgmental.”

“You’re not.” TJ smiled, hooking his chin over Bucky’s shoulder and sagging against him.

“Not remotely. But I won’t say anything else about it.” Bucky held on to TJ, “I want to be the kind of person you deserve TJ. I’ll do anything to become that person.”

“You already are.”

“No, but I can be. If I just keep remembering how and if nobody takes that away from me. This shit is hard. Do you realize I came from _never_ talking about things, to never having anyone _to_ talk to and now, I just fucking throw it out there.”

“Sounds like personal growth.” TJ said, leaning back to look at Bucky, “I wouldn’t know a lot about it, but that’s what the pamphlets say.”

Bucky kissed TJ, “bullshit.” He said against TJ’s mouth. “You’re growing every day, these hiccups, they happen in between. How about you go get the sugar, I’ll finish here, and we’ll go out to the beach while the cake cools. Give you a few minutes to yourself, and we can regroup over books under the sun. I’ll wrap the bowl and share it with you when you get back.”

TJ smiled at the added concession. “Covering all possible arguments, I see.”

“Nah, just an afterthought to the proposal.” Bucky said swiping his thumb over TJ’s jaw. “Sound agreeable?”

“Yeah. Anything else while I’m out?”

“Nope. Just let’s try to have a positive afternoon.”

“Working on it.” TJ smiled hopefully. “I promise.”


	24. Chapter 24

Bucky sank to the floor against the cabinet under the sink as soon as TJ was out of the house. He was sick over TJ being hit, sicker still that TJ thought that was normal. He’d done heinous things, but in his own mind, with the capacity to make choices, he couldn’t imagine hurting anyone he loved. He’d bent over backwards to keep Steve safe, he’d doctored wounds the little shit had gotten by fighting the good fight, but he’d never been _abused_. TJ dismissed it like it was ok, making Bucky wonder about corporal punishment growing up, the comment TJ had made about his mom slapping him for buying a pizza swam around, he’d taken it as a joke but wondered now. “Fuck.” Bucky said, running his hands through his hair. Eddie appeared at his side and Bucky moved his arm, letting the dog sit against him, “Eddie, anyone hurts our boy, you give ’em what for. You got that?”

Eddie sighed and looked up at Bucky, resting his forehead on Bucky’s metal shoulder looking upside down at Bucky, and bringing a tender smile to Bucky’s lips

“You’re such a good pal. You’re a good man Eddie.”

...

TJ wandered the store thinking what a schmuck Bucky must think him, “nice going Hammond, can’t even tell when you're in an abusive relationship.” He chided himself as he turned down the baking aisle. “Fucked up. Married man? Check. Abusive man? Check. Fugitive? Fucking check. Then you wonder why people don’t want to let you out on your own.”

TJ shook his head as he picked up a bag of powdered sugar. He squeezed the bag once, and jumped as if something had attacked him. He looked down to see the powder all over his hand and in a trail down his shirt and one leg of his shorts. “Fucking great.” He cursed looking at the slit in the plastic, where a box-cutter must have grazed it.

As if he were five-years old, and had just spilled milk across the kitchen floor, he sat down and cried. Silently weeping, wiping his sugar-strewn hand across his tearstained cheek. He looked down through the blur of tears, seeing the white powder staining his arm, sticking against the fine hairs at his wrist, and marking up his simple navy shorts and red shirt. As the sobs mellowed, he let out harsh laugh.

Where were the paparazzi now? They’d get a load of TJ covered in ‘a suspicious white powder’ and all hell would break loose. He looked up and down the aisle, seeing nobody nearby. He stood up and brushed his pants off the best he could with the hand that was free of sugar. He pulled the hem of his t-shirt away from his body and tried shaking the dust loose. Both were futile, spreading the fine grains into the weave and knit of the fabrics. He pulled his phone from his pocket, flipping to the front camera to get a good look at the damage he’d done to his face. Oddly the look that met him repulsed him instead of giving him something to crave. He’d seen _this_ face one too many times in one too many shiny surfaces. This particular look was disgusting to him at this point in his life.

In an embarrassingly familiar gesture he wiped the residue from his face, inspecting every angle he could, taking the collar of his t-shirt and pulling it away from his neck to use the inside of the shirt to wipe any excess. He inspected a different bag of sugar on the shelf and picked it up, still holding the opened one, and headed to the register.

“Hey,” he said to the cashier, with a voice that he hoped didn’t add to his most likely miserable appearance, “I kind of made a mess back on the baking aisle. I think the bag might have been nicked by a box-cutter and the stuff went everywhere.” He offered up the slit bag as evidence.

“I’m sorry.” The young girl said, “I’ll get someone to clean it up.” She dumped the bag of sugar in a small plastic bag and taped it shut, tossing it under her register. “Did you find one that wouldn’t make a powder bomb?”

TJ allowed a small smile, “Yeah, thanks.”

“I’m so sorry, look at your shirt.” He knew she was sincere, and she was flirting.

“It’ll wash out, I’m just going back and taking it off for some time in the sun anyway.” He answered. “Thanks though.”

“Yeah, any time.” She smiled. “What ya making?”

“My boyfriend and I both got together after each of our birthdays had passed, so we’re making a cake to kind of make up for it.”

“Oh.” She barely faltered at the mention, “That’s so sweet. Oh god, that, I’m sorry that was so bad. Sugar – sweet. Forgive me.”

TJ smiled for real, “I won’t, because, even though we’re trying to make up for missed celebrations, we’re both having a moody few days, you made me smile, so it’s not all that bad. Thank you.”

“That’ll be two ninety please.”

“Hardly anything, considering the mess I left behind.” TJ handed her a five-dollar bill.

“Don’t worry about it, it was definitely our fault.” The cashier, Sara, replied, “ten is three, four, and five.” She counted his change back to him, “I hope you have a better day, and that your cake is perfect. Oh, hey.” She walked around her checkout counter and grabbed a small box from the register next to hers, “look, a couple of these were stuck together. I’m sure you can use the ones that aren’t.” She dropped the box into his bag. “It’s on me. Happy belated birthday.”

TJ walked out with the bag held tightly closed in one hand, as he approached the car he opened the bag and saw a small box of multicolored birthday candles. He flipped the box open, the red and yellow candles had melted, and hardened into a slightly bent conjoined candle, the rest of the candles were a little crooked, a little flattened on one side, but he smiled. “Broken.” He said fondly.

...

Bucky stood up as he heard TJ returning, he’d stayed with Eddie, thinking in circles about TJ and abuse and wasn’t able to motivate himself to do anything he was supposed to do.

“Hey, I made a complete fool of myself at the store and… Bucky? Is everything OK?” TJ said as he pushed passed the screen door.

“I was just sitting with Eddie and lost track of time.” Bucky answered with the half-truth. “You made a mess of yourself is what you did.”

“Bag was slit, had a meltdown in the store. Good news is we got a little present.”

“Care to talk about the meltdown?”

“Care to talk about losing track of time?” TJ countered.

“Later, what’s the present?” Bucky didn't miss the smug response to his evasion.

“Birthday candles. They’re a tiny bit mangled, but they’ll do. The cashier must have caught on to my crisis.”

Bucky took the candles from TJ and gave them the same once-over TJ had. “Can’t have these. No cake to put ‘em on.” Bucky said, handing them back to TJ. “Unless you want to help me finish what we started.”

“I want to. I’m sorry we got derailed in the first place.”

“Ok, let’s do this. Oven’s still hot.” Bucky washed his hands and TJ bumped against him. He moved to accommodate TJ next to him at the sink.

“Sticky from sugar and tears.” TJ said.

“Tears?” Bucky looked sideways at TJ.

“I cried ok.” TJ said, a touch of defensiveness in his tone.

“Ok. Probably needed it.”

“That’s it?”

“Isn’t it? You cried because today got heavy and then you had a mishap, straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“Yeah.”

“You ok now?” Bucky asked earnestly, eager to hear a solid truth.

“No, I’m being defensive, I must not be ok. But better, yeah.” TJ dried his hands on the kitchen towel. “You?”

“I was upset about things, upset for you, and crafting histories I have no knowledge of. Eddie came and sat with me and it was nicer than getting up, so I didn’t.” Bucky rewarded TJ’s honesty with his own.

“Crafting histories?”

“About you, trying to reason why being abused would be considered acceptable. You said your mom would slap you into tomorrow if you ordered a pizza that night you were in California, I started building onto that.”

“Yeah, she’s a smacker. Not that bad though. You really think I’d turn out like this if they whipped my ass?”

“It could happen, yeah.”

“Ok, but no. No, it didn’t happen. We had a lot of rein given to us, and staff to chase us around. I think I just felt like my moods and attitude warranted a swing when I got it. I’m a difficult person Bucky. I’m sober and moody, or I’m high and aggressive.”

“You’re not difficult. People are complex no matter their circumstances, and I’m sure you’d find out the mood swings are something you can manage. You haven’t had a therapist appointment since I’ve known you but you always promise to talk to your therapist. How often are you seeing one?”

TJ watched Bucky combine the wet and dry ingredients, considering his answer. He swiped his finger across the side of the bowl and sucked it into his mouth, drawing it out with a ‘pop’. “I’m scheduled weekly, and I have missed the last two since meeting you and three before that for varying excuses. I need to get back to it.”

“Don’t do it because I questioned you about it.” Bucky said, watching TJ’s actions. He felt the draw in his groin as TJ – for all Bucky knew _innocently_ – sampled the batter. He picked the bowl up in his right hand and started mixing the way his mother had when he was a boy with his left. “Never thought I’d be able to master this, my ma probably could still out-mix me if she was alive.” He said over the loud scrape-thump of the spoon whipping the batter.

“You know there are appliances that do that.” TJ grinned.

“This reminds me of home.” Bucky said simply, earnestly.

“I kinda doubt your little mom would out-mix you with that state of the art appliance.” TJ’s smile was still amused. “I’m not considering going back to therapy because you questioned me, I’m _going_ to do it because it works, and I like my therapist, and I need to not burden you with my bigger issues when someone is getting paid good money by none other than President Barrish to do it.”

Bucky set the bowl on the counter and took the spoon he’d been mixing the batter with, and handed it to TJ, taking another out for himself. He swiped it through the batter and they both hiked up onto the counter to lick the spoons. Bucky leaned his shoulder against TJ’s briefly, “I’m glad you like your therapist.”

“I’m glad you approve.” TJ replied. “If this cake is this good, I might have a belly ache before we’re done.”

“I hope we don’t screw it up from here. In a minute you’re gonna transfer the batter to the pans.”

“I am? Is this so that if it does get screwed up, I have more culpability than “combined dry ingredients”?”

“You caught me.” Bucky said. “Save the spoon for the end.”

“You know? They make these great little things, rubber spatulas, they scrape the whole bowl clean so there’s hardly any left.”

“What a waste. If you put all the batter in the pan, what’s left to lick?”

“The spatula, I guess.” TJ laughed. They hopped down and Bucky instructed TJ in pouring the batter. “Hey! If you’ve never baked a cake, why do you think you can tell me what I’m doing?”

“Because I am a master baker’s assistant. Well I was when I was – oh – five. Trust me.”

TJ followed Bucky’s instruction, even though it was painfully obvious that’s what needed to be done. Each of them put a pan in the oven before Bucky set the timer.

“Ok, about an hour later than we’d intended, but we accomplished that part.” Bucky said. “Where’s the happy music?”

“I stopped it to take my phone to the store.” TJ removed the phone from his pocket and restarted the music.

“Have you ever danced?” Bucky asked with a grin.

“Sure, all sorts. I had to learn formally so that I would never embarrass my parents. I also had to dance with girls only, for the same reason.”

“You’re shitting me? After you came out?”

“It’s what’s expected.” TJ said from rote.

“Dance with me. I’ve never danced with a guy, but hey, I wanna dance with you TJ.”

“I’ve never not lead.” TJ warned Bucky. “I’ll concede to you, but you have to know.”

“Sweetheart, when I first learned, I was lead all around the dancefloor. You take the lead all you want.”

“I’m open to taking turns.” TJ’s smile was warm. “Tell you what. You lead me in the Lindy, then I’ll lead you in something else, maybe a Salsa.”

“You’re on.” Bucky felt like his smile would never fade. He liked this, smiling was something he hadn’t had much opportunity to indulge in, and even with the problem moments, anxiety and frustration they’d experienced, he hadn’t smiled so much in longer than he could imagine.

TJ sent Eddie to the sofa, “We’ll see how long that lasts, we haven’t introduced him to this activity yet.”

“Ok so you _know_ the Lindy, right?”

“I do. I could be rusty though. Not a lot of swing dancing in recent years. I’ve definitely Salsa danced _more_ recently.”

“I’m sure you’ve _danced_ more recently than I have, no one can be as rusty as me.” Bucky reassured TJ, “Let’s just do it.”

Bucky pulled TJ close and kissed him before the two collaborated their moves with the music. The swing rhythms lead them into their triple steps. The time rolled off Bucky’s bones, and TJ’s momentary unfamiliarity with dancing this dance with anyone other than a girl half his size disappeared as their swing-out variations and tuck turns got into their collective psyches. The room was large, and the space was clear, but their large, excited moves brought them close to the perimeters of the room several times. As the dance came to its unrehearsed finale, TJ laughed breathlessly in Bucky’s arms.

“For both being rusty and never dancing a step together that was actually pretty good.” TJ breathed. “I’ll need a minute before we switch.”

Bucky hadn’t danced in nearly a century, it felt wild, and he felt alive. “I’ll wait.” He said with an adoring smile, “Damn you’ve got moves TJ.”

“I was inspired by yours.” TJ said crossing to the kitchen for a glass of water. He took a large pull from the cool liquid. “I could get used to that. When everything gets straightened out, we’re going out dancing.”

“I’m making a list of things to hold you to, Whitehouse kitchens and dates where we go dancing.” Bucky said with an earnest smile that made TJ feel warm, Bucky was making plans for _after_. After whatever came next, and it made TJ giddy.

“Ok.” TJ said with purpose. He fell into the chair next to where Bucky was standing.

Bucky put his hand on TJ’s shoulder and crossed behind the chair, running his fingers up TJ’s neck and through his hair, which was slightly dampened by sweat. He leaned over the chair and kissed TJ’s forehead when TJ looked up at him. “I half expected you to balk at what I said either this time or about the ovens.”

“No. I won’t, because it’s positive. It’s down the road, but it’s a goal, not a fear.” TJ reached up for Bucky’s neck. “Kiss me.”

“Demanding little shit.” Bucky smirked and kissed TJ, upside down. The sensation was awkward and delightful. “Rested? You owe me a dance.”

TJ’s fingers tangled in Bucky’s hair as he looked up at Bucky, upside down, over, and behind him. “I can’t help it, I’m not a super soldier.”

“You’re fine the way you are. Better than.” Bucky said, stroking TJ’s cheek with his thumb.

“OK, let me up then,” TJ stood up when Bucky moved back. “I’m gonna have to teach this, aren’t I?”

“I’m a fast learner; got most of my memory skills back, show me what you need from me.”

TJ ran his hand along Bucky’s waist before pressing a kiss at his throat. “bossy.” he said with a groan against Bucky’s skin.

“If you want me to dance Salsa, you have to teach me.” Bucky answered, stretching his neck under TJ’s mouth.

TJ nibbled the newly exposed muscle, “I guess.” He pulled away with a longing look that made Bucky hot.

“Come on, one more and the cake will be about ready to take out of the oven.”

TJ considered the consequences of ignoring the cake entirely before pulling Bucky close again and kissing him roughly and then stepped back.

“Fine.” He smirked, “the cake wins this round.”

“The cake has been through a lot this morning.” Bucky teased, “we should give it a chance.”

“I am looking forward to the fruits of our labor; I’m just hungry for more.” TJ leered at Bucky.

“Look your fill, teach me to Salsa, we’re going to accomplish some of the things we set out to this morning.” Bucky smiled at TJ’s petulant shrug.

TJ pulled up a Salsa video and stepped beside Bucky, putting the phone in Bucky’s hands and stepping behind him. “This is the Salsa. This is you.” His finger hovered over the man in the video being led. “This is me. I’m leading and we’ll take these steps _very_ loosely, this is no ballroom competition.”

“You want me to be able to do this?”

“Baby, I’ve seen your footwork and your hips got the motion. Like I said, neither of us will be dancing any competitions. We’re doing this to have fun.” TJ started moving against Bucky, mimicking the moves on the video. He swiped back near the beginning of the video to show what they were doing again, “Follow those steps, we’ll repeat them.” He said against Bucky’s ear, with his hands on Bucky’s hips to guide them along.

Bucky didn’t falter, but he had to focus extra hard on the video and his steps because TJ’s warm breath on his cheek and his hands molding his hips to the motion were distracting in the best possible way. He needed to focus if they still wanted to salvage the cake or spend any time on the beach.

TJ and Bucky executed a halfway decent Salsa that was nearly cut short by the buzzer on the oven, but TJ just shook his head, encouraging Bucky to complete the dance. Once they stopped, TJ leaned his top half across the island and watched Bucky still shaking his hips as he skirted the corner of the island to open the oven door.

Bucky poked the cake with a toothpick, even though he was certain by the scent that the cake was done. Pulling it out confirmed his theory, so he turned to TJ with a hand out, “pass the potholders please.”

TJ picked it up, considered tossing it across the space, and reconsidered. He walked around to where Bucky stood, and placed the pair in his hand, then slipped his arms around Bucky’s waist. “Smells delicious.” He said against Bucky’s throat, “how much trouble can we get into while it’s cooling?”

“How about none?” Bucky asked lightly.

“You’re no fun.” TJ purred in Bucky’s ear, “Come on, it’ll take a while before you can put the frosting on.”

“I thought you wanted to warm up on the sand?”

“I can get pretty heated on the sand. We just won’t read.”

“Speaking of hot, hot pans, get your horny ass out of the way.” Bucky warned.

“The mouth on you…” TJ teased, backing away so Bucky could turn and set the pans on the island. “I’d rather it be on me.”

“Jesus TJ.” Bucky laughed, he read from the recipe on TJ’s laptop on the counter. “If we want the cake to actually behave like a cake, you have to give me at least fifteen minutes.”

“Jesus Bucky.” TJ mimicked. “Fine. You know this cake business has zero instant gratification.”

“You know? That’s true. If I wanted instant gratification, I’d have had you buy a cake from the store. I wanted to bake a cake for _us_ , I wanted to _bake something_ because it recalls happy memories, and because even with all the cooking I can do, I haven’t been able to do this and honestly don’t know when I will be able to again.”

TJ instantly felt ashamed of his complaint, he touched Bucky’s arm hesitantly, “I’m sorry. I was behaving badly, only thinking of myself.”

“I think we both were, you know I was just telling you why it’s important, right? I wasn’t angry, I’m not.” Bucky’s fingers linked with TJ’s.

“I’m still sorry, that smells _almost_ as good as you do, and nobody’s ever baked me a cake before.”

“Don’t tell me you…”

“Bucky, having a professional baker hired to make you a cake is nothing like having someone who loves you, with their hands in the project, creating something with care because they want to do it for you.”

“Ok, that’s as foreign to me as anything.” Bucky admitted. “But I suppose growing up in the twenties, the _nineteen twenties_ , to working class parents has something to do with it. Hearing you say that, I hope you can continue to be patient with me because now I’m even more determined that this will turn out right.”

“I should be really disappointed right now, but that’s probably the kindest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time.” TJ tugged Bucky closer and put his arms around his waist, “I’ll happily try to be a little more patient. I mean you’re so incredibly patient with me and my moods and my erratic swings, you deserve to have me at least _try_ to take it down a notch.”

“You still don’t give yourself enough credit." Bucky offered, "I can see where we got heated and excited, between the mood from earlier to the dancing, and our hearts racing. It’s not always easy to back it up a step, but sometimes it’s healthy.”

“How do you know so much about mental health?”

“You mentioned reading theories about me based on the leaked Hydra files? You have an idea of what they did to me, right? You can’t come away from that unaffected, and I couldn’t exactly go to a therapist for help. Once I started to realize that what I was feeling couldn’t possibly be normal, I spent a lot of time in libraries in whichever city I was staying. Of course, it was warmer than the streets too. Then after I settled here, when my double-shifts and dog walking were done, and I couldn’t sleep; libraries. Sometimes I’d read fiction, usually it was self-help, mental wellness, Zen practices, anything that could give me quiet, let me find the way back. I _knew_ I used to be able to be calm, still, and silent. I had lost that ability and I _knew_ that it wasn’t just as the asset that I could do those things. I couldn’t have been a crack shot sniper if I was always behaving erratically.”

“When will I ever learn to arm myself for answers to questions I ask you?” TJ asked gently as he caressed Bucky’s cheek. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You’ve taught yourself well, I could only wish to be so well adjusted.”

Bucky laughed, “TJ, dear TJ. Once again, I’m not well adjusted. Everything is practice. You have to remember, before you, less than two weeks ago, I spent my every waking hour not at the bar _alone,_ except for the company of homeless dogs and now? I can’t imagine not being with you. When I’m at the bar, I’m waiting to see or talk to you. Neither of those extremes is ‘well adjusted’ if you read the books.”

“Ok, but you’re so much more together than I am. I have been inspired by you. I don’t always act like it, but sometimes I even feel a little more peaceful.”

“I like hearing that. You deserve it.” Bucky pressed a kiss into the palm of TJ’s hand. “I love everything about you, but I really do like being around you when you feel peaceful.”

TJ leaned against the counter, quietly watching Bucky, speechless after what he’d said. TJ had said before that he’d wait for Bucky, he needed to remember that when he got pushy. Not every time that he was rebuffed would be from uncertainty on Bucky’s part, but it shouldn’t matter why, because a promise was a promise. He watched as Bucky tested the heft of the pan and the cake’s position inside each pan before inverting first one pan and then another on a baking rack. He looked up at TJ with a hopeful face as he picked up one cake pan. The cake stayed put as the pan separated cleanly from it, showing a perfectly golden square. Bucky repeated the action, hopeful look and all, on the second pan.

TJ watched as Bucky smoothed his palm and pinky finger over the smooth bottom of each cake. “Perfection.” That was all Bucky said before taking TJ by the hand and leading him to the sofa under a large, open picture window.

Bucky urged TJ to sit, and knelt in front of him. TJ watched Bucky as he tenderly dragged his fingers over and beneath TJ’s shirt. “My poor boy, getting sugar all over.” Bucky said softly. “Don’t you know you’re already sweet enough?” The adoration and lust in his voice making TJ hard.

Bucky’s right hand went to the fly of TJ’s jean shorts, opening the button placket deftly.

TJ was afraid to say anything; no wrong words would ruin this. No right words would interrupt Bucky exploring as he wished. He watched as raptly as he had moments ago in the kitchen. Bucky’s fingers gripped TJ, his touch beautiful and tender. It took all of TJ’s concentration to resist thrusting his hips against Bucky’s hand. He could do this.

Bucky moved his left hand, his metal fingers ever gentle, along the skin and trail of hair. TJ hissed when the warm, wet of Bucky’s tongue teased at the spot near the base where Bucky’s right hand still held him firm. He groaned as Bucky licked slowly along his length.

TJ pressed his ass into the sofa, stubbornly resisting his instinct to buck his hips. He caught Bucky’s eye when Bucky glanced up at him, before swirling that damned pink tongue around the tip and over the slit. He groaned and closed his eyes, TJ had to force himself to open his eyes again, wanting to watch, and afraid that he’d miss something special, something beautiful.

Bucky smirked as he dragged his left hand down TJ’s smooth skin, brushing against his thigh before cupping his balls. His hand registered the weight, heat and sudden tautness as his fingers rolled over the firm warmth. Bucky wasn’t sure what he’d expected, he could see that TJ was struggling to remain still. He could see the fight was hard-won, “I’m so proud of you TJ.” Bucky crooned.

TJ whined, and then his cheeks flooded with heat, he’d really hoped that sound could have been more of a moan, but Bucky praising him? oh god! “Tell me.” TJ begged as he felt Bucky’s cool metal fingers tighten on his balls, heard the whir of the metal plates.

Bucky lathed TJ with long strokes with his tongue, peppered with praise, “so patient. You’re learning. TJ, my sweet TJ.” Bucky teased his mouth over the tip, and then just a little further before pulling away and looking at TJ. He thought that TJ’s lax mouth and hooded eyes were the most beautiful thing and told him so, “You’re so beautiful, TJ, warm and sweet like summer rain.” Bucky licked his red, plump lips before again teasing the tip. “and so very patient, your patience will be rewarded.” The side of Bucky’s mouth turned upward.

TJ was frustrated at the smug smile, he was warmed and aroused by the praise and Bucky’s continuous touch, either by finger or by mouth, and he grasped at the smooth fabric of the sofa cushion, unable to get a grip, physically or emotionally. TJ arched his back in a lame effort to pin his hips to the sofa as Bucky’s warmth engulfed him. His mouth stretched beautifully over TJ’s length, neither breaking eye contact. TJ felt the trail of heat across his skin, like a warm whiskey burning his throat when Bucky moved his hand from his base, across the tender skin of his pelvis and over his hip. Bucky’s hand blazed across TJ’s skin, slipping under his ass and lifting, kneading his cheek.

TJ responded to the invitation, arching his hips and reaching for Bucky’s head, his fingers gripping lengths of silky, dark hair as he fucked Bucky’s beautiful mouth and throat, not losing eye contact for more than the mere moments when his eyes would flutter closed against his will. Bucky’s mouth was a goddamned gift, sucking and tugging at him, drawing on his engorged shaft. TJ held Bucky close as his orgasm took over.

“Bucky , Oh Jesus, you’re so fucking good.” TJ’s praise brought Bucky’s eyes back to TJ’s face, TJ’s blissed out features highlighted pink with the blush of desire. Bucky slowed his actions, lazily stroking TJ with his tongue, attentively lavishing praise on TJ’s body with his fingers tickling and massaging the tight muscles in TJ’s thighs. TJ had forgotten for a moment, how Bucky did this, selflessly carrying him beyond his release. He brushed strands of hair from Bucky’s forehead, dazedly looking into his eyes, hopefully projecting his gratitude. When Bucky finally pulled away, he tugged Bucky to him, kissing his mouth, biting at Bucky’s lips and moaning. “Fuck Bucky, you… Your mouth is a goddamned gift.” TJ mumbled into said mouth. “a fucking gift, the best present a guy could ask for.”

Bucky smiled against TJ’s kisses, “I’m glad you think so. You ok now?”

TJ gripped Bucky’s t-shirt and hauled him onto the sofa, kissing him and laughing. He straddled Bucky, aggressively kissing him still. His mouth crushing Bucky’s reddened lips with his own, his tongue finding the velvet insides of Bucky’s mouth. “What do you want Bucky? Do you want more of the same? Will you blow me again? Can I blow you? Can I fuck you Bucky?” TJ growled into Bucky’s mouth, grinding naked skin against Bucky’s clothed erection. “Will you fuck me Bucky?”

Bucky’s hands splayed across TJ’s chest, finding and molding his nipples beneath his thin t-shirt. He groaned against the biting kisses at his throat, arching to TJ’s hips relentless against his. The aggressive questions swirled in his head wanting only what TJ wanted, not caring if he was going to be fucked or going to be the one to do the fucking. TJ pressed his face against Bucky’s throat, dragging in a breath.

“TJ, what do you want most?” Bucky asked earnestly, with a shudder.

“I want it all.” TJ said quietly, “I want you, I want to fuck you, I want you inside me. I want…”

“You’re very greedy.” Bucky panted, wrapping his legs around TJ’s hips, “sets a bad example.”

“What do I do then?” TJ asked, groaning at the intense closeness, unable to stop pitching against Bucky, pressing him to the sofa. He hoped Bucky would make a choice, even just quitting, it would be a choice, and TJ wouldn’t feel like such a heel for his persistent assault.

“The lube’s upstairs.” Bucky whispered, dropping his legs from TJ’s hips.

“Are you sure about this?” TJ asked, wanting to smack himself for doing so, not wanting to turn back again like they had yesterday, but not wanting Bucky to melt down like yesterday even more.

Bucky nipped TJ’s neck, sucking, and marking TJ, “We can keep doing this if you’d prefer.”

“Upstairs,” TJ breathed, resolving to make some marks on Bucky’s skin, or at least give his damnedest in the attempt.

Bucky pushed TJ off from him with a chuckle when TJ slipped trying to right himself on the sofa; TJ flipped Bucky off, bringing a burst of laughter as Bucky offered him a hand and tugged TJ along to the stairs with Eddie following.

In the bedroom, TJ ordered the dog into his crate and Bucky closed the crate door before grabbing the lube that had been discarded on the nightstand the day before. He stepped toward the door of the balcony, and raised an eyebrow, hoping TJ would follow.

TJ looked from the bed in the room to the luxury patio lounger and followed with a grin. “What do you have in mind?”

“We start where we left off yesterday, forgetting the panic part.” Bucky said, slipping his hand into the open waistband of TJ’s shorts.

“I want you completely naked, I don’t want to miss an inch of your delicious skin.” TJ said with a groan.

“Same.” Bucky ordered, pushing the shorts and underwear down over TJ’s hips and watching them fall.

TJ tugged his shirt over his head quickly so that he could watch Bucky strip out of his shirt then step out of his shorts. The curve of Bucky’s ass had TJ reaching for the lube that had been tossed onto the lounger. He moaned as he slicked himself up, causing Bucky to look over his shoulder. Bucky’s gaze dropped and he watched as TJ languorously stroked the shimmering gel over his erection.

“Bucky, if you don’t want this.” TJ hesitated as Bucky approached.

“I do,” Bucky put his hand on TJ’s neck, pulling him close, tenderly, and kissed him. “Any advice?”

“I’m going slow, you’re going to be relaxed or it’s not going to happen. It’s up to you how. What we started yesterday, won’t be the best. I wasn’t thinking, you were eager, but...” TJ kissed Bucky, “on your back, you can see me, we can communicate – we _have_ to communicate. Or, you on top of me, you control everything.”

Bucky lay back on the lounger with one leg up, as he waited for TJ to follow. He picked up the tube of lube from where it had been tossed next to him, and squeezed some onto his fingers, reaching as he watched TJ watch him. He closed his eyes briefly as his own fingers found and entered his hole. TJ groaned at the sight, pulling a bit more vigorously at his erection before taking the lube and adding to his already slicked fingers.

He tapped Bucky’s raised thigh to get his attention, picked up the leg that lay straight across the lounger and settled it on his shoulder. Bucky looked at TJ and TJ’s fingers replaced Bucky’s. His free hand took Bucky’s hand and set it on his erection. Bucky stroked TJ as TJ worked him open, Bucky’s grip intensified when TJ repeatedly stroked his prostate.

TJ tried not to think about how they were almost to the point where things fell apart. This part, the prep, had gone well yesterday as well, Bucky had been as eager then as he was now. TJ stopped thinking, focusing instead on Bucky’s voice, his moans and on his parted red lips. He focused on the tongue that darted out over those lips and the sighs of “TJ.”

Bucky swung his other leg over TJ’s free shoulder, TJ and his magic fingers were making Bucky writhe “TJ, more, fuck me.” He said in a quiet, almost shy voice. “TJ.” Bucky said a little louder.

TJ stopped, searching Bucky’s face. Bucky pressed against TJ’s hand and nodded eagerly. “Are you sure?” He asked gruffly.

Bucky’s nod intensified, “I want you to fuck me TJ.” Bucky said urgently.

TJ withdrew his fingers, nervous about the next step, ‘yesterday we got this far too’, he thought.

“I’m not going to panic.” Bucky said as a plea.

TJ pressed the tip slowly and firmly against Bucky’s hole, pausing and allowing Bucky’s adjustment to his intrusion. Bucky’s cries were pleasure, his face bliss. “I need you to tell me.” TJ started.

“Yes. I’m good, yes oh god yes.” Bucky said, drawn out and interspersed with pleasured cries. Bucky felt none of the panic and all of the urgency, “More, TJ please – don’t torture me.” Bucky’s hair was splayed behind his head, and some wisps clung to his face in the humid air.

TJ ignored the urgent plea for more, taking his time to allow for further accommodation, there was no way he was going to let Bucky down, not going to make him panic again. He groaned as he tortured himself with the slow pace, and the heated tightness. “Baby, you’re so fucking tight. You’re perfect, but you need to let me go slow.” TJ groaned again.

Bucky knew TJ was right, but in his own sense of urgency didn’t care. “Please.” He keened. “TJ please.”

“I’m right here. I am. Touch yourself baby.” TJ said, offering a distraction, which backfired on him when he looked, watching Bucky stroke himself, his eyes fluttered closed, his lips parted in aroused concentration. TJ leaned to kiss those lips, finally filling Bucky with his entire length. He withdrew nearly as slowly, savoring the resistance and the cries of dismay. Bucky’s free hand gripped TJ’s ass pulling him back inside quicker than he’d intended with a sharp gasp from Bucky. The gasp was followed by passionate whimpers of pleasure.

“I’m not going to break.” Bucky sighed, “I’m good. There’s more to this, I want it TJ.”

TJ surveyed Bucky’s face, his pinkened cheeks and lips were the only indication of something unusual. TJ heightened his strokes, even and slow, but at a pace faster than before.

“Yes, oh god TJ. This is – you are –amazing TJ. Fucking amazing,” Bucky repeated, rhythmically to TJ’s thrusts.

TJ claimed Bucky’s lips again, swallowing the praise. He nearly lost track of what he was doing. Nearing his second orgasm of the afternoon, he pulled out with all reluctance, rolling to his back and finished, tugging himself to completion across his own belly.

“why’d you stop?” TJ looked up to see Bucky leaning over him.

“It’s a thing, some people like it, some don’t. There’re all levels of preference.” TJ said, reaching up to stroke Bucky’s jaw.

“You just assumed I’d be on a certain side of the argument?”

“I didn’t want to freak you out again, it’s easier to make the safest move.”

“You didn’t freak me out, I did, and what happened to communication, or was that just an order for me?”

TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky’s neck, “come on.” He said plaintively, tugging but Bucky didn’t budge, his arms locked on either side of TJ’s chest.

“No TJ. What part of communication had you choosing to finish like that?”

“None. I’m sorry.” TJ eased up onto his elbows, “I’m sorry I blew it.”

Bucky kissed TJ tenderly “never do it again, if I’m not ‘freaking out’ then just keep going, I don’t know how many children you’ve fucked TJ, but if I don’t like something I can decide for myself and tell you if it’s a _preference_ or not.”

“Jesus.” TJ tossed himself back against the lounger, “I haven’t fucked _any children_ sicko. I made a mistake you’re right about that. You don’t have to go attacking me.”

“I’d say a number of the so-called adults might qualify, if they aren’t able to tell you if something bothers them after doing it for the first time.” Bucky continued, unashamed, his voice held a mix of humor and annoyance.

“Ok.” TJ smiled, “I guess.”

“Do you still want it all?” Bucky asked huskily, “Do you still want me to fuck you TJ?”

TJ leaned back up on his arms, reaching to kiss Bucky, “god yes. If that’s what you want, I can’t imagine anything I want more.” TJ’s hand reached and fumbled for the lube, which Bucky grabbed with one quick sweep.

“What are _your preferences_?” Bucky pressed his arousal against TJ’s thigh, his release yet to be reached.

“I want _it all_. You can do anything you want, please.” The final word was barely more than a squeak.

Bucky slicked up his fingers, “slick,” he chuckled, “sunscreen’s got nothin’ on this.” His laughter rolled through him as he pressed his fingers against TJ’s hole, lingering before the tip of one slipped inside. TJ groaned with pleasure and frustration as Bucky explored the amount of pressure needed, the motions needed to cause which kinds of sounds.

TJ shuddered each time Bucky’s exploration changed his movements, “jesus Bucky, you’re…” he gasped, “you can’t just… taking your time is a dick move…”

“It’s my first.” Bucky said simply, teasing a second finger and smiling at TJ’s whole body reaction, from the grip around the digits, to the flood of color and the flex of muscles.

“More, I need more.” TJ’s face was a satisfying mix of torture and bliss, a combination that would have confused Bucky had he not felt the same only moments before.

Bucky obliged TJ’s demand, working him with his fingers and praising him. Commenting on his sweet cries, calling out features on his beautiful body, causing TJ to writhe and plead more aggressively. “Oh you beautiful thing.” Bucky chuckled huskily.

TJ couldn’t take much more praise, but he craved more. Everything Bucky praised he repeated, if a sound was appreciated he would echo it, if his kisses, erratic at this point, were the subject of admiration, he kissed more, and deeper, at least he tried to kiss deeper. Thinking was separate from what was happening to his body. TJ loved that Bucky noticed his visceral reaction to his praise and if he could remember “Oh god!” he’d have to tell him. “Bucky fuck yessss. Fuck. Now, I’m ready, please god yes!” TJ pleaded, impatient as Bucky worked him with one hand, stroking himself with the lube with the other.

Bucky lay back on the cushion of the lounger, pulling TJ up over him, giving TJ control. He shuddered as TJ lowered himself much more quickly than when he’d been inside of him, the rush causing Bucky to lift his hips to meet TJ’s reflexively. “OhgodTJ.” He groaned, “Fuck you’re gorgeous,” Bucky reached for TJ, who had his back arched, his head back, looking up, exposing his neck. “Let me touch you.” Bucky said, “You can’t be real, I need proof.”

TJ looked at Bucky lovingly, “Jesus, keep talking.” He took Bucky’s hands from his hips, dragging them up his torso, “I’m real, see, all real.”

“You’re beautiful, full of my cock TJ. You like it too much I think.” Bucky spoke, trying to control his body, but his own words, his own line of thinking went against him, “I’m – oh fuck TJ I’m…” TJ rolled his hips, watching Bucky lose all ability for coherent speech, looking as pliant and beautiful as he had when he’d robbed him of this moment.

“That’s right baby.” TJ crooned before joining Bucky’s rambling groans. Bucky’s climax filled TJ as their voices filled the air. TJ looked at Bucky’s reddening face as he gently separated them, feeling the always odd, messy but fucking fabulous feel of Bucky’s cum following the laws of gravity. “God dammit Bucky that was… Fuck. Just when I thought you were going to be a mild, quiet fuck. Damn you yell pretty.”

Bucky’s flush spread, he’d been certain he’d yelled, and it had embarrassed him, but to have it confirmed, it wasn’t as embarrassing, but he still felt the flood of color and heat. “I can’t believe I missed out on this yesterday. I stressed so much.”

“It’s in the past,” TJ reassured Bucky, lying across his chest, not giving any thought to the mess on either of them, “God I love you.”

“Just because of this, though. I know.” Bucky teased, softly ruffling TJ’s hair between his fingers. “I’m well aware.”

“Fuck you.” TJ murmured, trying not to smile, knowing that if he did, Bucky would know even though he couldn’t see it.

“You already did.” Bucky kissed TJ’s forehead. “Was it worth it?”

“Oh god yes.” TJ pulled away to look at Bucky, “Yes, it was worth everything. You?”

“Shit yeah.” Bucky said lazily. “I was so worried I wouldn’t be enough for you. I wasn’t going to do any of this, not even what I did downstairs. I didn’t want to be reminded of my inadequacy. That’s one of the reasons I used the cake as an excuse. I mean, I want to do the cake for all the reasons I gave you – but it was also a distraction.”

“Honey.” TJ’s eyes flooded, “You’re not inadequate in any way. If you hadn’t been able to do this, and if you never ever wanted it, it wouldn’t mean you’re inadequate. It doesn’t. God I love you, it wouldn’t matter. I know I was an ass earlier, but bottom line, it would _not_ matter.”

“I’ve told you before I was attracted to you.”

“I know honey, you can find me attractive and not be “I want to fuck him.” I’m _not_ angling for compliments. Even when I tease you, I never want you to do what we did, I don’t want you instigating or reacting just because you think I want it.”

“Oh. No. TJ.” Bucky laughed, “I’ve been _sexually attracted to you_ since I saw you the first time. I wasn’t impressed by your drunkenness, but I was very into you.”

“Jesus, fine then.” TJ kissed Bucky’s throat, excited at the groan that roared beneath his tongue. “I’m following your lead on stuff, jackass.”

“It’s good you’d love me anyway. I like that kind of commitment.” Bucky’s arms tightened around TJ. “I love you TJ.”

“I love you too, but I’d love you more if you were less sticky.”

“Me? I’m sticky? I think maybe it’s you and you’re making me sticky,”

“That tears it. We both need a shower.” TJ sat away from Bucky, trailing his fingers over Bucky’s chest and hip, down his thigh. “So beautiful.”

“You have a thing for scars?” Bucky grinned, putting his left arm behind his head, watching TJ stroke his skin.

TJ’s hand moved back up to the scars under Bucky’s arm, and he leaned to kiss them. Cooler than the adjacent skin, warmer than the metal they’d grown over. “Only yours. Only you.” TJ said lovingly.

Bucky sat up and kissed TJ before standing over him with his hand outstretched. “Shower.” Bucky led TJ down the stairs of the balcony and to the outdoor shower, ignoring TJ’s complaints.

“This is cold.” TJ moaned under the water.

Bucky bit back his initial response and TJ looked away from the pain he clearly saw flash in Bucky’s eyes. “It’s fine, you big baby.” Bucky said sweetly, “You said you trusted me.”

“I do.” TJ hated that he sounded like a six-year-old. “Fine.”

Bucky stepped between TJ and the water flow, running his hands down TJ’s back and gripping his ass. He kissed the back of TJ’s neck, “I’ll take good care of you, you’ll hardly know the water’s cold, sweetness.” He sang against TJ’s ear.

TJ melted against Bucky, pressing his back against Bucky’s chest with a purr. Bucky’s arms circled TJ’s waist and both hands gripped TJ firmly, but gently. “Warm enough for you?” TJ heard against his skin between kisses along his shoulder blades.

“Jesus, fuck yes.” TJ chanted, moving his ass along Bucky’s length, feeling it grow hard.

“Impatient.” Bucky chuckled. “You think I can go again so fast?”

“I’m counting on it.” TJ groaned as Bucky brought him close to release, “I could, if you’d rather I go off in your ass instead of over your fist.”

Bucky’s hands stilled. “Liar.” He accused gruffly.

TJ turned to face Bucky. “Turn around.”

Bucky complied, gripping the wooden outdoor shower wall. He let TJ situate his feet where he wanted them, lifting his leg when TJ hooked his arm under it and pressed into him, much quicker than before, but Bucky accommodated the action readily with a groan that stuttered from him as TJ thrust suddenly. He arched back against TJ, dropping one hand from the wall to his own cock. “fuck.” He breathed. “fuckfuck fuck.”

TJ pounded against Bucky with each grunted curse, a primal sound breaking from him with each thrust. “God Bucky oh god.” His words mixed with their sounds and Bucky’s curses. “Fuck. You’re so fucking hot.” TJ pulled away, ignoring Bucky’s sudden litany of swears.

“Don’t you fucking dare TJ. Not again you fucker.” Bucky cursed as TJ withdrew.

TJ placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, gripping the muscle and skin tightly as he thrust into him with his remaining strength, even as his legs felt rubbery and his climax broke free, his muttered oath of love mingling with the pleasured shout tearing from Bucky’s lips.

After stilling inside of Bucky, TJ felt Bucky’s body react, his walls tightening around his waning erection, the inevitable expulsion of his cum as he pulled out as slowly as he could. He heard Bucky’s pants as he jerked himself toward his completion under the surge of water and arousal. TJ lathered his hands with the bottled shower gel and spread them over Bucky’s back and down around the curve of his ass, he knelt behind Bucky, paying reverence to the tender skin he’d abused. He reached for and caressed Bucky’s balls with his soaped fingers, feeling them tighten, as Bucky’s release seemed to be just waiting for TJ’s touch. “Oh god.” Bucky shuddered, spilling over the shower floor.

TJ stood behind Bucky, caressing his wet skin, “You ok baby?”

“I’m ok.” Bucky turned in TJ’s arms, “I’m ok, better than ok. Fuck.”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Nah. I’m good.”

“I want you to fuck me, but I’m not buying that ‘nah I’m good’ nonsense. I won’t push you, so you’d better stop pushing yourself.” TJ looked Bucky in the eye, “I know you’re an enhanced human being and you’ll regroup quickly physically. I’m interested in your emotional state. Let’s slow down just a little, you’ve been through a lot.”

“A lot of really good stuff.”

“Even good stuff gets overwhelming. Let’s hit the hot tub, relax a little and then we’ll see where your head’s at.” TJ offered, stroking Bucky’s jaw with his thumb. “Sound good?”

“I could go for some time in the hot tub.” Bucky allowed. He followed TJ across the deck to the heated spa, and lowered himself next to TJ.

“What was it you didn’t say earlier, when I complained about the cold?” TJ asked.

“Out of cryo, they’d hose me down. It counted for a shower and a quick-thaw. That was cold. This?” Bucky’s hand indicated the rustic looking but surprisingly state of the art shower. “That’s a luxury.”

“Oh my god.” TJ thought he could see the water pulsating around his chest to the thrum of his rushing heart. “Oh my god.” He gulped, unable to form other words. His jaw dropped, and his eyes flooded, and the tears spilled down his cheeks. He had a hard time catching his breath and couldn’t look away from Bucky. “I’m so sorry.” He finally breathed.

“I don’t want you to worry about everything you say. It was just something that hit me. I’m ok TJ.”

“I know.” TJ wiped his face with the backs of his hands in messy swipes. “Jesus this is hard. Just being two normal people is so fucking hard.”

“Yeah, It’s tough being just one normal person. The timing for us hasn’t been great this week, but the good times have been really good.”

“I’m glad. Good enough to push away the shit?”

“For me? Yes. Dancing with you – oh TJ I missed dancing so much. You’re really good. Then there’s the cake - I honestly can’t wait to get back to the kitchen to finish the cake and I want to eat a big ole slice. I’m glad you got the candles, which are not a luxury we ever had. Candles were for emergencies. On some birthdays, cake wasn’t even mentioned. I _want_ candles on our birthday cake. And we had fun on the beach yesterday, even more in the water. The rest of today and tomorrow morning, let’s make up for the darkness, ok? We’ll burn the darkness away with that bonfire you mentioned. Did you have any good things to push away the bad?”

“Obviously you stole all of my ‘stuff’.” TJ grinned. “I’ll just steal your answer.”

“You can’t. You obviously had cakes and candles. You’ll need to make up your own good things.”

“Jackass, I meant the cake and the beach. Playing in the water with you and being with you and Eddie. Dancing. I definitely want to add going dancing to the list of things we’ll do. Ok?”

“It’s on the list.” Bucky kissed TJ. “You want to know what I’m adding to the list?”

“Yes. I kinda need to know, so I can make it happen.”

“I want to see you perform at the club. Officially. Not hiding, but sitting front and center.”

“Jesus, I want that too. I didn’t know how much until you said it. I’ll buy your drinks when that happens.” TJ said, he’d been taking this list seriously, cataloguing everything they talked about doing. “Ok, I’m warm, sufficiently relaxed, and a little bit hungry. Let’s go finish the cake and I’ll fix lunch.”

“You will?”

“Yeah, you said I was on cooking duty, something about learning. Breakfast was just the beginning.”

TJ stood and held a hand out to Bucky, not shy about his nudity now, no longer concerned about making Bucky uncomfortable. Bucky accepted the assist, kissing TJ when he was standing beside him. “I’m looking forward to it, and to working beside you in the kitchen.”

Bucky stepped out of the hot tub first then held an arm out for TJ. He wrapped him in the towel and kissed him again.

“You’re going to keep kissing me? We’ll never get anything done.”

“I might kiss you, now and then. Can’t help it, you’re a distraction.” Bucky followed TJ up the steps to the balcony off their room. “Are you feeling better than earlier?”

“You mean better than my sugar meltdown in the store? Or my dismay over your unfortunate sense of humor? Or?

“Any of the above, I _was_ thinking about the way you looked when you came home from the store.”

“Yeah, I’m no longer sugar-coated, I’m pretty thoroughly fucked, and my muscles have been melted. Are you better than the intimidated, uncertain jerk with a bad sense of humor?”

“If you’re thoroughly fucked, I’m whatever happens after _thoroughly_ ,” Bucky said, tugging a pair of swim trunks on for later. “I’ve had some good fun with the man I love, and I’m getting ready to frost a cake. I’m good. Nothing can be done about my sense of humor though.”

“Pity.” TJ smirked, tossing a shirt at Bucky before pulling one over his own head. He stepped into his own pair of swim trunks and then unlatched Eddie’s crate. “Sorry kid, we’re all yours for a while.”

Eddie sniffed TJ all over then licked his leg and his hand before sniffing Bucky. Bucky crouched to scratch the dog’s ears, “I’ve been ignoring you today, haven’t I?” he asked sweetly, getting kisses across his nose and chin. Bucky laughed through the kisses. “I can laugh when _you_ kiss me. TJ would be offended.”

“TJ would.” He confirmed. “then again, if I kissed like he does, I’d expect you to laugh.”

Bucky looked at TJ in the doorway, “rightly so. Hey Eddie, come on man.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed these guys a little, so I'm giving you a bonus chapter (as in it's part of the story, and in order, but I'm sharing it today), your regularly scheduled Tuesday chapter will also come on Tuesday [as scheduled]

TJ served the grilled chicken and vegetables, while Bucky finished the final swoop of frosting on the cake. It looked... hell TJ had seen bakery masterpieces in his lifetime, so this _humble_ , first-time, handcrafted confection _should_ have paled in comparison. Instead, what TJ saw was a square, two layer confection, carefully swirled with icing that looked more delicious than the finest thing he’d ever eaten. It had to be the love.

Bucky watched TJ and laughed, bringing TJ's attention to him, “What?”

“That bad huh?" Bucky asked, "I told you, I was maybe five and all I was allowed to do was assist.”

“No. Bucky, not even. Don’t ever presume to read my mind, because you’re _so_ bad at it. I'll admit, I  _was_ comparing it to every cake I’ve ever seen, and it _should_ be _homely_ , but it’s just... it’s not. It’s beautiful and inviting, I don’t even want to eat this – I want to dig into it, but then again, I don’t. I don’t want to ruin it. Wait, I have a solution.” TJ grabbed his phone from the nearby counter and took pictures of the cake, of Bucky with the cake. “I’m not humoring you, I’m _not_ kidding.”

Bucky felt warmth rush through him, receiving praise for something he’d had a hand in, something that was sweet and positive. Sure, he’d been _praised_ as the soldier. In a backward sort of way, Karpov had complimented his work. That was still something that made Bucky cringe to think about, being trapped inside and screaming that these missions weren’t something for which to be complemented. Compliments were hard on him since coming away from Hydra; TJ had a devil of a time with them as well, so it was a constant lesson in accepting them. Giving them was easy, he’d done it since he could breathe. Receiving them had been twisted into something ugly, but if he wanted TJ to receive them as they were intended, he had to practice the same.

“You disappeared on me again.” TJ said softly, his hand hovering below Bucky’s elbow, “Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” Bucky answered, still sounding distant. “No, I…”

TJ waited for a response, learning over the last week or so that sometimes this just needed to play out. He stepped around the island so he could be in Bucky’s line of vision, instead of a possible surprise at his side.

“Sorry, I was just processing the compliment.” Bucky said. It was true, TJ would read into the rest. He’d either ask or not, and they’d talk about it, or not, based on that. “This smells great.”

TJ smiled at the reappearance of a return to their own brand of normal. “Thanks. Some of Matt’s suggestions, add chicken and voila.”

TJ took his and Bucky’s plates to the table, Bucky followed with a beer and a soda. “I still can’t believe you talked me into this when you’re not drinking.”

“I don’t have to be. If it sounds good to you, you should have it. I have nothing to worry about, this sounds just as good, you’re not even going to get a buzz, so there’s not even anything for me to envy.”

“I didn’t know it worked that way.”

“Sometimes it’s as simple as that, I feel nothing. The beer has been here since we brought it in, I’ve had bad moments, and it’s still there.”

“True.” Bucky replied, after considering. “Can I say I’m proud of you?”

“Sure.” TJ smiled, warming up from the inside out at the comment. “Can I ask more about the compliment and your processing?”

“Do you _want_ to ask?” Bucky responded, pointedly.

“I’ve already gone and done it. So to speak. It’s Hydra related. Otherwise you’d have just shared it.”

“Yeah. So, I’m not used to praise on something nice, like a good accomplishment.”

“Oh. You didn’t say you weren’t used to _praise_ , which means you received it for missions.”

“Yes, I had a handler in Siberia, Karpov. He would praise me on successful missions. So, compliments were for taking things apart or for a good kill. Not for making pretty, delicious things.”

“Yeah, ok. I see why you hesitated. Is it ok to compliment you? I mean I don’t want to drag you back to that place and time simply because I wanted to make you feel better about something and managed to make it worse.”

“You absolutely may compliment me if I’ve managed to warrant it.” Bucky smiled. “I won’t get used to compliments and praise if I don’t get any.”

“You’re going to get _so_  sick of me.” TJ smiled. “I haven’t even tasted the cake yet and I can’t get enough.”

“Speaking of praise, I’m always taunting and teasing you about cooking, but this is fantastic. You don’t get to deflect my compliments onto Matty either. You created this based on knowledge you acquired. That makes it yours.”

TJ blushed at how well Bucky knew him, he had been about to credit Matt again, but Bucky was right, he had done this from pieces of things he’d done before and it _was good_. “Thanks.” He said, feeling the blush extend across his face and down his neck. The smile he’d had widened.

“You’re welcome. Thank you for doing it.”  Bucky said, raising his beer in toast.

“Well aren’t we both just a polite mess.” TJ snickered.

“We’ll credit our mothers for that.” Bucky teased.

“Well.” TJ smirked, “Sure wasn’t my father.”

“I've seen and read things. He’s an interesting guy.” Bucky said, mostly out of a lack of any real good opinion of Bud Hammond.”

TJ laughed, “It’s ok. I don’t like him half the time. I love him, he’s my dad, but he’s all of the reasons I’m a screw-up.”

“If you didn’t have to own your own screw-ups that is.” Bucky said with a warm smile.

“If.” TJ nodded. “He’s ok if you’re into womanizing, blustering, overbearing, backwater behavior. He’s got a heart of gold under all of that shit, but getting to it is a struggle.”

“Are you trying to sell me on him? Or warn me against him?”

“Neither, just explaining him, I guess. I’m sure there are manners under all of that nonsense too, but he forgets them wherever he goes.”

“You’re nothing like that.” Bucky observed.

“I’m a lot like that at my worst.” TJ said. “It’s through trial and practice that I’ve managed to make some changes, that and I have a lot less bravado when I’m sober. I can be a lot less like him when I don’t have artificial courage.”

“Just another good reason to stay sober.” Bucky brushed his foot against TJ’s briefly before standing. “I’ll wash these then we can have cake and then head outside.”

“Are you sure you don’t want help?” TJ asked, leaning against the cushioned back of the chair.

“Not with this, you can make coffee, and pull out plates and forks for the cake.”

TJ pushed up from the table, circling the island to switch music on his phone. He saw a text from his brother:

       Douglas: “Mom wants to know where you’ve disappeared to.”

       He opened the messaging app, and typed: “I’m on holiday. I’m enjoying the beach.”

       Douglas: “You could have done that in California.”

       TJ: “Tell mom she can check up on me herself. TJ Out.”

“Everything OK TJ?” Bucky asked over his shoulder, as TJ pulled the coffee maker from the back of the counter and prepped it for coffee.

“Yeah, nothing new, just being checked up on by my mother, via my brother. Coffee started, plates and forks coming up.” TJ shook his hips to the “happy music”, a mix of 40’s dance and 80’s club music. He sang along as he danced around Bucky to get the dishes.

“I’m glad you’re handling it well.” Bucky smiled.

“I just told him I’m on holiday and to tell mom she can check up on me herself, sounded good at the time.” TJ grinned lovingly at Bucky, stepping closer and kissing his cheek.

“That’s all I get?” Bucky asked.

“For now. We’ll see how the cake is first.”

“You’re going to beg for me to bake for you after you have this cake.”

“Let’s not discuss begging and kissing, my mind goes places.” TJ teased, grinding to the music against Bucky’s thigh. Bucky swatted good-naturedly at him with the towel.

“You’re taking mine with it.” Bucky laughed. “You’re refreshing TJ.”

TJ watched as Bucky brandished the knife, flipping it instinctively before delicately cutting them each a square of the cake. “Dayum.” He sighed, pouring coffee into two mugs and stirring in cream and sugar the way each liked it.

“Cake looks good, no?” Bucky smiled endearingly as he traded TJ the plate for the coffee cup.

“I was admiring the knife skills.” TJ admitted, following Bucky into the living room instead of back to the table in the breakfast nook.

Bucky leaned forward to set his mug and his cake onto the coffee table, “I’m proud to say I honed those skills as a free agent. Ok fuck no, I was a sergeant, I wasn’t exactly free then either.” He chuckled under his breath. “As a US Soldier, bored as fuck and cold to boot.”

 TJ sat on the sofa, balancing his plate as he folded his legs and faced Bucky. “What was it like?”

“It was dirty, bloody, hurry up, and wait business. I know a thing or two about drug use thanks to the war. Amphetamines were easy to obtain if you knew the right guys. Bomber pilots had them supplied to them, long hauls behind a sniper rifle, fellas talked, word got out, and we wanted to increase focus and fight fatigue too. Ugly business when you can’t get it. Makes work that much harder too, when you’re coming off. It was a hard thing, coming away from that hydra base, I was in withdrawal, and I had that bastardized serum coursing through my veins. Fighting got that much more important and that much harder.”

Bucky stabbed at his cake and took a bite. “Damn, you did good TJ.”

“I barely mixed dry ingredients.” TJ’s warm smile was a bit pained from Bucky’s answer to his question.

“You didn’t use salt instead of sugar. It’s a start.” Bucky reached for TJ’s leg and gave it a squeeze. “I met some damned good men though, in the Army. Like I told Steve, 'all idiots'. I prefer it that way though. I think, if that moment hadn’t changed my life, that we’d have all stayed friends, the Commandos. We’d have had reunions and shit, watched each other’s kids grow up. Probably. The get-togethers woulda been drunken all-nighters, but we’d have had a good time.”

 TJ set his fork on his plate and covered Bucky’s hand on his shin with his own. “I didn’t know.”

“I know you didn’t. Not many people did, do. I didn’t tell Steve, he’d – jesus he’d judge me on that too.” Bucky set his plate down, and took a sip of coffee. “Good brew Teej.”

“I’d be happy to take credit for that, but it’s hard to fuck up a coffee-pod coffee once you find a good one.”

“Jesus. Take a compliment ya little shit. You’re as bad as he ever was.” Bucky’s good-natured exasperation made TJ feel normal. “You sweetened it perfectly, was that premeasured too?”

“Fuck you.” TJ pushed Bucky’s hand away with a movement of his leg. He reached for his own coffee, “yup. Not bad.” He agreed after a sip. “The cake though, damn, Bucky, _that’s_ perfection. So good.”

“Thanks babe. So why’d you start taking drugs?”

“I wanted to escape. I wanted the opposite of focus. I wanted it to make things better.”

“I’m sorry TJ.”

“Why? You had nothing to do with it.”

“I’m not apologizing, you have my sympathy, I wish people had been there for you.”

“Says the guy who was failed by humanity in general. God, I love you Bucky.”

Bucky scooted closer, his hip pressing against TJ’s folded legs, “I love you too TJ. It’s so easy to say it, so easy to hear it. It’s not always as easy to believe.”

“Shit, don’t I know it?” TJ said, swapping his coffee for cake again.

Bucky finished his cake and set his plate on the table, his half-cup of cold coffee on top of that. He settled back against the sofa back and rubbed his hand over TJ’s knee, shin, and calf absently. They both listened to the whisper of the metal plates and the sounds coming from TJ’s music app.

TJ got to the last bit of cake on his plate, looked at Bucky while licking frosting from the tines of his fork, “last bite?”

Bucky smiled and nodded, TJ scooped it up onto the fork and held it out for Bucky. As soon as the fork was emptied, TJ kissed Bucky, tasting the sweetness and the coffee essence on Bucky’s lips. Bucky swept the plate and fork out of TJ’s hands as he leaned into him, pushing him backward on the sofa. He set the dishes on the coffee table with a clatter without looking in their direction and kissed TJ urgently.

TJ’s freed hands went to the back of Bucky’s head and neck, pulling him closer as Bucky’s momentum pressed him against the arm of the sofa. TJ’s legs unfolded and wrapped around Bucky’s waist, while he returned Bucky’s passionate kiss.

Bucky’s left hand slipped under TJ’s raised bottom, pulling TJ closer to him as he rocked against TJ and TJ’s heels dug into Bucky’s rear when he tightened his legs and met Bucky’s movements. “Oh god Bucky”

“Ugh, TJ you took the words out of my mouth. Fuck you’re beautiful.”

“You kiss like no tomorrow, fuck you.” TJ grinned before nipping Bucky’s lip. He sucked in Bucky’s tongue when it shot out to lick the stinging spot.

“I'm picking up new tricks,” Bucky managed to slur around the onslaught. His hips dipped and ground against TJ’s, still elevated, held aloft by the hand that was gripping a handful of glute. Bucky’s free hand trailed up TJ’s hip, under his shirt, and found his pert nipple. First, he rubbed lightly in larger circles then spiraled inward as TJ sighed into his kiss. He pinched lightly between his thumb and the side of his index finger, rolling it carefully before tugging, pulling a groan from TJ that he caught in his mouth.

Bucky pulled away, taking in TJ’s heated gaze. He smiled a crooked smile before ducking under TJ’s shirt and licking his pec and sucked TJ’s nipple into his mouth, grazing it lightly with his teeth before licking and suckling kisses around the bud. He laughed against TJ’s skin when he moaned, eliciting another, and more guttural moan. TJ felt starved for air, he knew he was breathing but each gasp didn’t feel like enough. “Bucky…” He dragged out the name, not quite a whine, but not a true groan either.

Bucky felt TJ’s hand grasp the back of his head through the t-shirt, he closed his eyes, focusing on the fact that it was TJ. ‘TJ’s hand, not the vice.’ He tried to remind himself, repeatedly. Bucky breathed hard against TJ’s skin, and after one moan, TJ knew that was not the sound of pleasure. TJ immediately tugged the t-shirt up, “Bucky? Look at me Bucky? It’s ok baby, whatever it is, you’re safe love.”

Bucky breathed heavy, rapid breaths, not even a hair’s breadth from TJ’s skin, his lip stuck to the moist skin as he closed his eyes and breathed, focusing on the sound of TJ’s voice. He felt TJ’s hand return to him, on his shoulder, tender and hesitant.

“Baby?” TJ asked softly. “Do you know where you are?”

“TJ. I’m fine. I’m with you, I’m fine.” He was telling himself more than TJ.

“Can you look at me?” TJ’s voice sounded like he was smashing panic down with each word.

Bucky tipped his head, his lip dragging away from TJ’s skin, and he looked up at TJ with his eyes before moving his head to rest his chin on TJ’s chest. He brought his hand to rest gently on TJ's ribs. “I’m sorry.” Bucky said regretfully.

“I don’t want you to apologize. Are you ok? Can you tell me what happened?”

“I don’t want you to worry.”

Something in Bucky’s eyes told TJ he wanted to tell him, but he was concerned about how TJ would handle it. “I worry anyway, I might as well be in on what caused you to panic, so I can maybe not do it again, if it was something I did, I should know.”

“I don’t know if it was something you did, I love when you touch me. Something about being trapped in the dark, under your shirt with your hand on my head…” Bucky shuddered, “It just – I tried to rationalize it was you, and not the vice but I couldn’t keep up with the panic. It overwhelmed me.”

TJ’s hand reached for Bucky out of habit but he pulled back.

“No, please don’t be afraid to touch me.” Bucky asked, moving his arm so his chin was pillowed on it on TJ’s half-bare chest.

TJ moved his hand back toward Bucky, stroking his cheek tenderly before carding through the ends of his hair.

“You can touch me, you can touch my head, I promise. It was just…”

TJ didn’t want Bucky to think he feared touching him, he caressed the silky strands and cupped Bucky’s head lovingly, “Is this ok?”

“Yes.” Bucky pressed his cheek to the inside of TJ’s wrist. “Yes, it’s better than ok.”

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with this baby.” TJ looked sympathetically into Bucky’s eyes. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I’m gonna be fine. I’m sorry I broke the moment.” Bucky’s eyebrows raised, pleading for forgiveness. TJ stroked the lines from Bucky’s forehead and brushed his hair from his face.

“It’s not like that at all, nothing's broken or even spoiled. I'm all for a little bonus make out session on the sofa. It was nice before we head outside for some sand and surf.” TJ smiled sweetly. “We’ll take our make out session upstairs later, after you and I both reek of smoke from the bonfire, and we’ll pick up at the kissing part. How does that sound?”

“It sounds kind of nice, actually. A little distraction and maybe a little fun.”

“Precisely. Do we wash these dishes now or later?”

“There’s seven items, we wash them now.” Bucky smiled, rising up onto his arms above TJ on the sofa.

TJ’s legs wrapped back around Bucky’s waist and he tugged him back toward him. He gave Bucky a long, sweet kiss before peppering his cheeks and jaw with little annoying kisses and saying silly things to him about being far too practical.

Bucky laughed and tugged TJ’s legs loose with one hand then lowered one leg to the floor, kneeling between TJ’s legs, pressing an urgent kiss to his lips “I love you. I love that you’re distracting me. I love that you didn’t freak out even though I can hear your heart pounding.”

“I love you Bucky.” TJ said through a surprise onslaught of tears he’d thought he’d tamed.

Bucky’s right hand grazed TJ’s cheek and jaw, “I know baby.” Bucky stood and held out a hand for TJ, tugging him to his feet when he accepted. “Help me wash and dry, we’ll do what you suggested, it’ll be good for all three of us. Eddie’s getting tired of being too lazy.”

They crossed the room, Eddie on their heels after hearing his name.

“You’re a master at deflecting things.” TJ said as he filled the sink with hot water and soap. “Teach me.”

“Just keep watching, I’ve got moves to spare.” Bucky answered, hip-checking TJ and grabbing the towel. “Good cake and coffee, nice kisses. Nothin’ to worry about.”

“So you say.” TJ hiked his hip to catch Bucky’s in return. “I should get a checklist of things they did to you and parts of your body they did them to so I know what I shouldn’t do.”

“I do say. I’m serious TJ. Nothing happened. I don’t want special treatment. It was a fluke. You can touch me any way, anywhere you’d like.”

“I appreciate the reassurance.” TJ set the last dish into the rinse water. “I hope you’re right.”

“Can you deal with me when there’s a lightning storm?”

“Yeah. We’ve done that.”

“Ok. You don’t run around checking the weather and worrying about possible electrical activity in the air, it’s the same thing. It’s random and we don’t know what will happen, or when. I will do everything I can to be calm when it does, and you did all the right things. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“I’m relieved you think so. I hope you’re right.” TJ said after some consideration. He swiped two fingers through the icing, licking one before holding the other to Bucky’s lips. Bucky licked TJ’s fingertip before taking the whole thing into his mouth, swirling his tongue around, teasing the tender sides of TJ’s finger. “Damn, I love your tongue.”

Bucky laughed, pulling TJ by the hand through the open screen door. The trio stepped out into the late afternoon sun, their shadows long against the shore as they walked toward it.


	26. Chapter 26

Lounging in the firelight, Bucky stroked TJ’s hair with one hand, and Eddie’s forehead with the other. TJ had his head on Bucky’s chest and Eddie was smashed up against his side. Bucky listened to the crackle of the fire to their left and the splashing, lap of the water just a little farther off to their right. They were all sandy, salty and exhausted from running on the beach, swimming in the ocean and a much more successful ‘make-out session’ that had culminated in a rough mutual hand job and heated, reciprocated blowjobs. Bucky smirked thinking about it. He slid his hand down TJ’s temple and to his jaw, slipping his thumb between TJ’s plump lips. “Should we do something about his fire?”

TJ looked up at Bucky without moving his head; he drew hard on Bucky’s thumb before rolling it between his teeth and nodding. “Wanna go in and start all over?” he asked after Bucky dragged his thumb roughly over his lower lip and down his chin.

“I do.” Bucky answered when TJ sat up, looking at him expectantly.

TJ hopped to his feet, grabbing the two buckets of sand and dumping them on the fire before tossing one at Bucky and refilling the one in his hand. Eddie stood, barking at the fire as it smoked and died. They both tossed a few more loads of sand over the spot and watched its smoky remains before throwing a couple of final buckets on for good measure.

“I’ll hose Eddie off.” Bucky volunteered, “If you want to go get the hot water going for us.”

“I’m all over it.” TJ laughed at Bucky’s horrible choice of the two. “Eddie, I’ll race ya.”

“You won’t beat him either.” Bucky called after them, gathering the balls into the beach blanket and hefting it over his back like an overgrown hobo pack.

He watched TJ playfully running ahead of Eddie, backwards, before Eddie overtook him. Bucky followed TJ and the dog around to the side of the house and dropped the bundle on the deck before calling Eddie over to the shower.

“I can’t believe we’re leaving tomorrow Ed.” Bucky said as he washed the salt and sand from the dog. “Back to the grind. Will you like my apartment? Am I asking for trouble bringing you around, ‘m not supposed to have pets. I guess TJ will have you at his place in the day so it’s easy to excuse you as a visitor. It’s ok pal, you belong with us.”

Eddie licked Bucky’s face and wiggled under his wet, soapy hands. He pranced and slipped a little in the wet puddle, making Bucky laugh as he rinsed the wriggly dog.

“I love you so much, you big mutt.” Bucky chuckled, covering the dog with towels and rubbing them over his wet fur. He dried him the best he could then stepped back for the full-body shake that followed. After Eddie pranced up to him, Bucky took the last towel, a sun-warmed dry one, and ran it through the short coarse fur one last time. “Best we’re gonna get without blow drying ya. I think you’ll be ok. We’ll stick an extra towel in your bed. Come on Ed. Bedtime for puppies. I need to go wash the ocean and dog off me now.”

TJ hurried up the steps once Bucky had called Eddie to him, grabbing the cake and some forks as he passed through the kitchen. He set the cake on the dresser and turned down the bed before pulling out a bunch of towels. He tossed the bottle of lube into the shower next to the shampoos, ‘hey, it’s necessary but it doesn’t always have to be _obvious’_ he thought, before turning the water on, getting it just the right temperature. He brushed his teeth, just because. It didn’t matter he’d been all over Bucky just a while ago, Bucky would appreciate his fresh breath and if they fell asleep before he managed to think about it, at least he was a half-step ahead. He looked at his reflection. Bucky had been messing with his hair before it had dried with salt in it, so it was a messy array of bedhead. He smiled at his reflection, not an activity he’d done a lot of in recent years.

Bucky caught TJ smiling in the mirror. “Hi.”

“Hi yourself.” TJ turned around, placing his hands on Bucky’s partially wet, mostly salty chest. “Hi sexy.”

“You look cute.” Bucky teased.

“You’re not the greatest hairstylist I’ve ever had.” TJ stepped closer to Bucky, their chests touching. “I’m glad you approve of your work.”

“I guess all things require practice.” Bucky smirked before tugging TJ’s face to his by a hand on the back of his neck. He kissed him, devouring the minty freshness and the warm, eager response.

Bucky backed TJ toward the shower, one hand on his shoulder to steer him the right way. He was glad it was a walk-in shower. They didn’t have to worry about toppling over the sides of a tub. TJ broke the kiss when the warm water hit his back, warmer than expected, and he gasped.

“You ok? Thought you’d tested it.” Bucky asked, concerned.

“I did, it’s fine, just a shock.” TJ panted, kissing Bucky and running his hands over his skin. His hand caught at the spot of scar tissue, he slowed, gently caressing the outline around the metal.

Bucky stepped closer, the spray hitting his arms and legs, he pressed against TJ urgently, and his sensitive skin abraded by the intimate contact with TJ's salty skin sent pleasure waves thorough him. TJ’s fingers pressed a little more firmly into the scarring, and Bucky tipped his head, touching his forehead to TJ’s. “Only you can touch me there.”

“It’s ok?” TJ pulled away to ask, searching Bucky’s face for the truth.

“Yeah, yes.” Bucky said, feeling the numb pressure. “I barely feel anything there, but nobody else gets to be so familiar. Only you baby.”

TJ’s hand slipped to Bucky’s back, he traced the lines there, kissing the scars on the front of Bucky’s shoulder. He pressed his body against Bucky’s, feeling the salt that hadn’t gotten rinsed away yet, abrading the skin on their chests and bellies. He stepped back, pulling Bucky with him. They were drenched under the spray and TJ kissed from the scarred line of Bucky’s shoulder up his neck.

“I like when you call me that.” TJ groaned into Bucky’s mouth. “I like when you use stupid pet names.”

“You’re funny.” Bucky nipped TJ’s lip then kissed along his jaw to his throat. Bucky rested a knee on the stone bench in the shower, moving down TJ’s chest, kissing the skin on the path to the nipple he’d abandoned earlier. “But you’re incredibly sexy.” He murmured around the nipple before sucking it between his teeth, lightly grazing it, and licking the peak. He tasted TJ’s skin and the added salt of an afternoon in the sea. He heard TJ’s pleasured noises and soft pet names slipping through the shower fall.

TJ hesitantly brought his hand up, placing his fingers on Bucky’s neck gently, massaging the muscles between his shoulder and neck, and then moving his fingers lightly up through the wet tendrils of hair before cupping his head, with Bucky’s ear under his thumb. He rested his hand there briefly before more firmly holding Bucky’s head to his chest.

Bucky knew what TJ was doing, he smiled when TJ finally held him close. “I told you.” He muttered against TJ’s skin.

“Quiet.” TJ scolded, looking down at Bucky. TJ groaned, “you wanna take care of this?”

Bucky looked at TJ’s lips then down at his erection. Torn between which to taste, he opted for both, kissing TJ’s pout before kneeling in the shower’s spray and licking a spiral around the head. TJ growled when Bucky’s tongue scraped across the slit.

“Is that impatience?” Bucky teased, looking up at TJ. He licked the underside of TJ’s arousal, “you’ll tell me if I’m improving.”

TJ watched Bucky; he watched as Bucky looked up at him, so beautiful, with his soft eyes and his teasing smile, the sun had been kind to them both, adding color but not burning their skin. TJ stroked Bucky’s jaw, “I didn’t know you needed to improve.”

“There’s always room for improvement.” Bucky smirked before taking TJ’s length.

TJ’s thumb stroked Bucky’s cheek and he watched, captivated, as water drenched them, and Bucky disproved his own assertion by skillfully taking TJ to the brink, bringing his hands up TJ’s thighs at the exact moment TJ’s legs had started feeling rubbery. TJ was certain the only reason he was able to remain standing as he reached his climax was Bucky’s strong hands and arms bracing him.

TJ stood  under the showerhead after his orgasm, his head thrown back, letting the water pelt his chest as he remembered how to breathe through Bucky’s delicious habit of continuing long after he was spent. God, how he loved the extra, non-urgent, devoted attention.

TJ’s hands threaded through Bucky’s wet hair, “you’re amazing.” TJ groaned.

Bucky let TJ slip from his lips, licking a stripe over the semi-flaccid member, and up TJ’s belly. He stood in front of TJ and kissed him under the showerhead. “ _You’re_ amazing.” He countered lazily.

They washed the day away, the salt dissolving down the drain, the sand collecting at their feet. TJ lathered Bucky’s hair, listening to Bucky talk about his favorite parts of the past couple of days, and the idea that “maybe we can hang around as long as possible tomorrow? It’s only a few hours in the car, we can get home late. I don’t have to be at the bar until 11 or noon the next day. What do you say?”

“What do I say?” TJ repeated, scratching Bucky’s scalp “I say you're brilliant.”

“Switch.” Bucky said, standing up from the ledge built into the wall, “sit. My turn.”

TJ sat as ordered, looking up at Bucky’s chest, “I hope you know what you’re doing. I’m not a dog, you know.”

“For that, I should bathe you like a dog.” Bucky kissed TJ playfully, “I hope you know how to behave, I’m not a preschool teacher you know.”

“You get major points for sass.” TJ said, putting a hand on Bucky’s chest. “You said it was your turn, which did you mean?”

Bucky’s breath hitched when TJ’s hand slid down his chest, past his navel and gripped him firmly at the same time he brought his other hand up Bucky’s thigh and cupped his balls.

“Yeah, any way you want to interpret that’s fine with me.” Bucky said huskily, both hands on TJ’s lathered hair. He resisted directing TJ’s head exactly where he wished it would go, instead waiting for TJ’s next move.

He didn’t have to wait long, TJ teased the tip with his tongue, quick licks, and long, lingering ones alternated, Bucky’s hands slid from TJ’s hair to grip his shoulders. TJ’s hands released him, and slipped behind Bucky to grip his hips and pull him closer, encouraging Bucky’s instinctive hip thrust. TJ accommodated Bucky’s length in one relatively smooth stroke. He was so sensitive, or TJ was so skilled that Bucky was gripping TJ’s shoulders tighter, thrusting into TJ’s throat, and shuddering within moments.

TJ tried to do Bucky the serious honor of worshiping him after he finished, but Bucky pulled him off to kiss him ravenously before he could.

* * *

I can’t believe you brought the cake upstairs.” Bucky snickered, tracing a line of icing across TJ’s belly. He was lying on his own stomach, supported by his right elbow, drawing awkward shapes with his left hand. He wasn’t as ambidextrous as _they’d_ wanted him to be. He could fight, shoot, throw knives and just about everything else with either hand, but the simple art of drawing and writing, even this rudimentary finger-painting was more challenging. He guessed it was an issue with the brain-digit connection. Maybe it was something else, a rebellion of sorts, which he could hold onto throughout their torment. He wasn’t sure what but he wasn’t going to let it bother him as he continued to paint off-white buttercream swirls across TJ’s tanned skin.

“You’re glad I did. Just like you were glad I’d thought to bring lube to the shower.”

“You’re a smart fella.” Bucky laughed, licking at one of the shapes on TJ’s belly.

“You know, I’m used to guys taking hits off my body, just not hits of sugar.”

“Buttercream.” Bucky corrected. “There’s a first time for everything.”

TJ took a swipe of frosting from the cake and smeared a stroke across Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky flinched from the tickle and settled in as TJ continued. “I can see why you like this.” TJ smiled, “We were clean before you started this.”

“Showers are fun.” Bucky replied, licking icing from TJ’s navel. “This feline method isn’t too bad either.”

“I’ll have to wait and see, I can’t exactly reach you, and I doubt I’m limber enough.”

Bucky shifted so that he was closer, placing equal weight on both elbows, “I don’t doubt your flexibility TJ.”

TJ scooted to a partial seated position and brushed Bucky’s hair from his neck with his frosting-free hand, “I love your hair.” He said absently as he held the locks in a ponytail. He leaned over Bucky’s shoulder and licked away the buttercream. “I also envy you your metabolism.”

“You’re perfect TJ. Unaltered, and perfect. Don’t go getting serum envy. It takes away from you as much as it gives you.”

“I love you Bucky.” TJ tugged lightly on the hank of hair, “I’m sorry you suffered.”

“It’s good now TJ. Being here with you, being anywhere with you.”

“You wanna eat cake the normal way?” TJ asked, not just to change the subject they were skirting, also because the confection was calling to his stomach, probably just to spite his very inadequate metabolism.

“I guess.” Bucky sat up on his haunches, “it’s not as fun.”

“Just think of the cake to frosting ratio, I think that should be motivation enough.” TJ scooted toward the center of the bed, placing the plate of cake, whole cake minus two pieces, between them and stuck a fork into the edge.”

“The whole cake?” Bucky laughed, tossing his head back. “TJ, you’re a dream.”

“We don’t have to eat the whole thing.” TJ’s cheeks flooded, “It was faster to grab this and two forks. Jerk.”

“I’m not complaining.” Bucky set a hand on TJ’s knee. “It’s wonderful, we can eat it through the night and into the morning, I can roll you down the stairs when we finally head out for our last glimpse of the sea.”

“Fuckyou.” TJ mumbled through an over-large bite of cake.

“You did.” Bucky laughed. “Oh god TJ. I haven’t laughed so much. Thank you for being such a delight.”

“My pleasure sweetheart.” TJ said once he swallowed his bite. “It really is my pleasure.”

Bucky leaned forward and kissed TJ, the greasy buttercream making his lips slip on TJ’s, the sweet, buttery flavor added to the spicy cake on TJ’s breath. “Thank you. Thank you.” He punctuated each declaration with short kisses, slipping across their glossed lips.

“Minus points for the rolling me down to the beach comment though.” TJ added taking another bite.

“It still puts me ahead, I doubt you subtracted all the points I gained in the shower. Which reminds me, how do I know which _sass_ will get points, and which sass will get points docked?”

“Hey, my points system is very complicated. You can’t understand it just like that. It’s going to take some education. You’re right though, you still come out ahead from shower points.”

“Then the intricacies will have to come later, as long as I’m still gaining.” Bucky answered before shoving a larger bite of cake into his mouth. “Mmm. M’ gonna have to say this is some of the best cake I’ve had.” He mumbled around the bite.”

“I’m such a bad example for you.” TJ laughed.

“Brooklyn, kid. Talkin’ with my mouth full, Ma smacked me upside the head more than once for it.”

“Hmmm. Explains a lot, actually.” TJ snickered, “You learned nothin’?”

“Nope. Or I forgot it all.”

“That’s not funny.”

“It kinda is.” Bucky smiled, “After all it’s been decades, you don’t expect me to remember manners from 80 years ago do you?”

“Don’t you wink at me. That’s not what you meant.”

“It is though. I promise, no Hydra coping jokes this time.”

TJ slouched, part defeat, part relief. “Good.”

“Good.” Bucky repeated. “You’re so sensitive. Look, you got some on you.”

TJ laughed as Bucky swiped at one of the frosting swirls on his chest, he sucked Bucky’s finger between his lips when it was raised to his mouth. “I hate thinking about that.”

“I hate when you think about it.” Bucky stretched to reach TJ’s lips without disturbing the cake between them. “Don’t think.” He kissed, “don’t even give it...” more kisses. “A second thought.”

TJ moved the cake aside with one hand and pressed against Bucky’s left shoulder with the other, pushing Bucky backward. Bucky pulled TJ over him, holding TJ against him as they kissed and petted each other greedily.


	27. Chapter 27

“I can’t believe it’s over.” TJ sighed against Bucky’s chest as they settled next to one another on Bucky’s sofa.

“It was nice. So much more room.” Bucky said almost apologetically.

“Who needs extra room when I just want to sit this close to you?”

“Makes dancing hard. Are you sure you want to stay here? I’m _not_ uninviting you, I just...”

“You’re just being sweet.” TJ interrupted. “I’m positive, I have everything set for overnights, Eddie seems to really like crowding us, and we have the laptop for movies. Unless I bring in a TV.”

“No.” Bucky said without allowing for argument. “You’ll save your money. The laptop loaded with movies is good enough. There’s no room anyway.”

“Ok, but you’re letting me get a small microwave, I have to reheat things sometimes.”

“The stove works TJ.”

“I need it, and they’re cheap, and there’s just enough room right over there.”

“Fine. You can bring in a microwave.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple. “You’re going to learn how not to rely on one of those so much. You already know the difference between popcorn.”

“I do.” TJ agreed. “Tomorrow, after you get home, I’d like to watch you make some for whichever movie we decide to watch.”

“You can make it yourself.”

“I still prefer watching you. It’s not a matter of can or can’t. It’s _your_ can baby.”

“Oh I see how you are.” Bucky smiled. “Up. Help me get this transformed into a bed. I haven’t used it as such in a while, usually just flop on the sofa and crash. It’s not horrible, but it’s not as nice as your mattress.”

“It’s got you. It’s perfect.” TJ stood up. “Today was nice, I’m glad you suggested staying late.”

Bucky instructed TJ how to work the pull-out and they worked together to get it set up and the sheets changed. “You brought fancy sheets?”

“I did, I know you like ‘em. I know I do too.”

Bucky held the soft, folded sheet to his nose, “They smell sweet and fresh. Like you. Thank you TJ.”

“Nothin’ but the best for my baby.” TJ winked, taking a corner of the bottom sheet. “I can even make a bed. Had to do it in rehab. Aren’t you proud of my domestic skills?”

“You’re much less spoiled than I gave you credit for.” Bucky teased. “I learned in the army, I mean I knew basics thanks to Ma, and I helped Mrs. Rogers when Steve was sick, but I learned to make a regulation bunk.”

They worked together to make the bed, kissing when they met in the middle. Bucky stood back once it was complete and surveyed their work. “Thank goodness the bedding is upscale, because this will never be a regulation bunk.”

“Looks good to me.” TJ determined, bouncing into the center. “I’ll bring that blanket you like when I come tomorrow. That ought to make up for the lack of army regulation.”

Bucky lay down next to TJ, stretching his arms over his head before pillowing his head with one and putting the other behind TJ’s head. “Present company already makes up for it, but I do like the blanket.”

TJ curled into Bucky, “I should do that stuff you do before bed, you know, change, and brush my teeth. How shitty am I if I don’t do either?”

“Too tired?”

“Too comfortable.”

“My humble sofa-bed thanks you.” Bucky said, bending his arm to curl his fingers through TJ’s hair. TJ touched Bucky’s chest, drawing concentric circles from where his hand landed, outward, to spread over the expanse.

“I hope you don’t mind me sticking around Bucky.”

“TJ, I would have stuck with you and gone to your place if I thought we could keep it safe. Your mom’s home, she’s been asking about you, we can’t go out into the neighborhood without worrying about you being noticed. Here it’s a little more low-key, a lot more under the radar. Of course, I don’t mind you sticking around. Just don’t get followed, ok?”

“I know how to do that. I am much better at it sober, too.” TJ grinned. “Turn over, I’ll rub your back.”

“I can’t say no to that. Even if I tried, there’s just no way.” Bucky said as he shifted and repositioned himself on his belly.

“We did all manner of other things, but I neglected this. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. We had good times.”

“and shitty ones.”

“I’m not going to worry about those; I want to remember the good ones. Cake for breakfast was really good.”

“You need to repair your oven so you can bake all manner of delicious sweets. That was the best cake I’ve ever eaten. Even day-old.”

“I’ll work on the oven on my next day off. I’m not taking any more extras of those for a while.”

“You can do whatever you need, but you’re going to let me pay rent while I’m staying here.”

“TJ.” Bucky looked over his shoulder, “You are already paying your own lease.”

“I’m going to help you out if I’m staying in your place. Do you know what’s wrong with the oven? I could pick up any parts if you know what you need.”

“I have an idea. It’s either the setting control, or the thermostat. Maybe both. Easy enough to fix.”

“Ok, get me the part numbers and I’ll get them for you. Don’t look at me like that, I was willing to buy a whole new appliance.”

“Ok, I know when I’m beat. I’ll pull the info in the morning. Happy?”

TJ kissed Bucky’s neck, “happy.”

“Ok, this has been great, but it’s your turn. On your belly.”

“You’re not done.” TJ objected.

“I’m perfectly pliable and relaxed. Humor me.”

TJ flattened out onto his stomach, burying his head in his arms, “If you put me to sleep without a goodnight kiss I’ll hold it against you for a week.”

Bucky tapped TJ’s shoulder, and TJ peeked out from under his arms. Bucky put his finger on his bottom lip and smiled. TJ rose up to kiss Bucky, “I love you TJ. Of course I’ll kiss you goodnight.”

“I love you too. Don’t put me to sleep; I wanted to do that for you.”

“I’m going to be right behind you, I promise.” Bucky kissed TJ again, “I’ll be right here. I’m not going to leave you TJ.”

“I didn’t want _you_ to be alone.”

“I won’t be alone, you’ll be here, and Eddie too. I just want you to relax now, ok?”

Bucky did put TJ to sleep, and then scooted down on the bed under the impossible-thread count sheets. He sidled closer to TJ, and waited while Eddie circled at their feet and flopped between his leg and TJ’s. “Not alone at all.” He whispered into TJ’s hair before falling asleep himself.

* * *

TJ woke up disoriented. The feeling of something unfamiliar put him off guard, until he looked around and realized that he was in Bucky’s apartment. He looked down his chest, to see Bucky’s gleaming metal arm draped over it. He turned to his left to see Bucky lying on his stomach, his face smashed into the pillow in slumber.

With a fond smile, TJ reached over, and smoothed the hair from Bucky’s face, then rolled onto his side to put his arm across Bucky’s waist.

“Mornin’.” Bucky muttered.

“Not yet.” TJ answered sleepily, “back to sleep love.”

“M-kay.”

TJ smiled and tried to go back to sleep, but wound up either thinking about too much, or just staring at Bucky’s sleeping face.

 

The next thing TJ knew, he heard mild clanking and smelled the smoky aroma of bacon and something else, garlic. He sat up and leaned over the sofa arm, “Hey”

“Hey back. Mornin’”

“Yup, it is now. Mmmm whatcha cookin’?”

“Potatoes, bacon, and eggs. Got some OJ too. Fresh squeezed.”

“No way.”

“Way. I got up, walked down the block to the market, and got a few things. Just got back a bit ago, Eddie enjoyed the walk.”

“Wow. When I woke up, I couldn’t move. You wake up and do everything.”

“It’s the extra hour and a half, it does wonders.” Bucky grinned. He walked around to the sofa, motioning for TJ to move, and sat on the arm of the couch. “Kiss?”

TJ sat up and reached to kiss Bucky, “Mmm. I like mornings.”

“Liar. That’s about the only thing you like about mornings. Will you be coming to the shelter with me or heading straight home? I mean you’re welcome to hang out here all day, but I know you have work and things.”

“Things like a therapy appointment. and work.” TJ nodded. “I have time before my appointment to come to the shelter, Eddie did ok outside last time, do you think we could repeat that process until we can get him comfortable enough to go inside?”

“Of course, he doesn’t even need to go in, I can grab a couple dogs and bring them out. If you’ll help me with the sofa we should get it folded up before the eggs are ready.”

“In other words, get up lazy ass.” TJ laughed, climbing over Bucky on the arm of the sofa, straddling his leg and kissing him deeply.

“Yeah.” Bucky breathed. “Lazy ass.”

“We’re gonna have to give this thing a stability test.” TJ said, wrinkling his nose and kissing Bucky again.

“Yeah, that’s gonna have to wait.” Bucky smirked, gripping TJ’s hips and  holding him still before kissing TJ back, they indulged in a kiss that was all teeth and tongues, with TJ breaking Bucky’s hold, rocking his hips against Bucky.

“Wait. Yeah.” TJ finally said, pulling away from Bucky, sitting farther back on the arm of the sofa, looking at him longingly. “We gone and complicated things.”

“We did, now our well established routine needs to be adjusted.” Bucky tugged on the hem of TJ’s tee. “You didn’t even take your clothes off. You lazy bum.”

“I warned you I wasn’t.” TJ turned his head and yawned. “Time to eat, then we gotta do waking up stuff.”

“Yup. You need to let me up. Unless you want your eggs dry and overcooked.”

“OK.” TJ whined. “I’m movin’.”

“You’re cute when you’re annoying.”

“You’re annoying to point out that I am.” TJ said, standing up and kissing Bucky before he could move from the sofa arm.

“Can you fold this up while I dish breakfast? You kind of distracted me.”

“We could leave it til tonight?”

“Nope. It gets folded up every morning. No exceptions.”

“Ok. Fine.” TJ pouted. “Fine.”

Bucky smiled as he dished up the potatoes, “Doin’ good TJ. I like the view too.”

“I’d call you a smart-ass, but I kinda did it on purpose.”

“Yeah, I know.” Bucky watched TJ struggle and then figure out the process entailed in returning the bed to its sofa state.

“This would be easier with two of us.”

“Yeah, if we hadn’t been distracted, that had been the plan.” Bucky chuckled. “Please tell me you don’t drown everything with ketchup?”

“I do _not_ drown everything with ketchup, how do you not know this about me yet?”

“I don’t know, it was just a thought when I saw how perfectly golden these potatoes came out, I’d hate to see anyone miss out on how good they’re going to be by sullying them with ketchup.”

“Sullying. I like it. Perfectly old-fashioned.” TJ came around to the kitchen, “It smells heavenly. I have zero plans to sully any of this.”

Bucky smiled at TJ’s silliness, he’d honestly worried that once the fun of their getaway was through, TJ would comprehend his lower class situation, Bucky’s nearly impoverished lifestyle and would say, ‘well, it’s been fun’.

TJ leaned against the counter, eating heartily, talking with his mouth full about bringing a blanket and picking up a microwave as he’d mentioned before, “Doesn’t bother you does it? I mean I don’t want to disturb your home.”

“TJ, we agreed on the microwave, because you want it. I _do_ like that blanket. It’s soft. Just know when to rein it in, ok?”

“I’m still gonna pay my way. At least part of the rent. Or the utilities.”

“You can buy groceries.” Bucky stated.

TJ considered arguing, but realized a phone call to the number on the faded ‘apartment for rent’ sign would stave off arguments, at least until he was found out. “Jesus Bucky, you don’t even give a guy a chance.” TJ stabbed at a piece of potato.

“You got that right. My house, my rules.”

“Jesus.” TJ huffed again. “Good thing you can sling a mean skillet. I’m running out of excuses for you.”

“Hah, you’re a riot TJ. We have a deal? Groceries?”

“We have a deal.” TJ agreed, setting down his plate next to the sink. “Oven part number, sir.”

“Ok, fine. Rein in the purchase of cookies though, when you do the grocery shopping.”

“You’re coming with. We can go after work today, or before the shelter tomorrow.” TJ said, taking Bucky’s plate and filling the sink with hot, soapy water.

Bucky leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed watching TJ automatically wash the dishes. He smiled, taking a fresh towel from the drawer and drying the first glass in the rinse water.

“What?” TJ asked, looking at Bucky’s smug face.

“You’re washing dishes.” Bucky laughed. “You just did it, no weird comment, no standing aside waiting for me to do it.”

“I like to be unpredictable.” TJ shrugged, itching his nose with his arm, “Why? Why does this happen?”

“The dishwashing-nose itch? I don’t know. I think there should be a government grant to study _that_.” Bucky swished around the plate TJ settled into the rinse water before pulling it out to dry. “The skillet, don’t use soap. I’ve got a smaller one that’s new and once the oven’s repaired I’ll show you how to season it. This one, just scrub it with this brush then rinse it with hot water.”

“Ok, why?”

“Cast iron, you’ll undo the _perfect_ season I have on this skillet, makes it non-stick without added chemicals. You undo my seasoning and then I’ll just have to start all over.”

TJ shrugged, “Ok.”

Bucky bumped shoulders with TJ, “thanks for washing.”

“You’re welcome. Thanks for cooking. It was delicious.”

TJ watched Bucky dry the skillet and set it on the warm stove, and swipe a paper towel over it with some drippings from their bacon. “Ok.” He said again. “I’ll understand more of this cooking thing someday.”

“If you have any questions, you can ask. Or I’m sure Matty wouldn’t mind talking to you about it, go get ready, I’ll have this pan finished up by the time you’re done.”

TJ kissed Bucky before leaving the room for the bathroom. He started the water and looked around, peeking into the cabinet under the sink, “Hey, do you have any more towels?”

“Shit.” Bucky called from the kitchen, “Can you bring some? I only have the one and one in the laundry. That one _is clean_ though.”

“Towels. You got it babe.” TJ smiled, one more thing to spoil Bucky with.

“Don’t go overboard. You have plenty in your apartment.” TJ heard over the shower.

“You gonna shower Bucky? If I use your only towel you’ll have a wet one.”

“Nah, I’ll wait for one of your plush towels tonight. I’m still relatively fresh from yesterday’s shower on the beach.”

TJ stood under the spray, thinking back to showers in the cottage, and the beach, and the ocean. He was quiet for a while, listening to the shower, and imagining being back there.

“I miss it already.” TJ lamented.

“Huh?” Bucky said, peering through the bathroom door. “Sorry, I was in the kitchen what was that?”

“I miss the beach, the freedom, the water.” TJ poked his head out from the white shower curtain. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I miss it too, but this morning and last night were nice.”

“They were.” TJ agreed. “Don’t mind me. I can make the best of any of our situations. Did you want to take the bike and meet me at the shelter? Or can I take you to work?”

“I’d like to ride with you and Eddie.” Bucky said, leaning on the door, watching TJ’s silhouette with a tender smile. “You’re gonna want to hurry up.”

“I’m almost done.” TJ called from under the showerhead. “The water pressure here is amazing.”

“Yeah it’s nice. I should put one of those water regulating shower heads on but I like the pressure. I should be more conscious of my water usage though.”

“You going green on me Barnes?” TJ teased, turning the water off.

“It’s not the worst thing I could be doing.” Bucky smirked, watching TJ as he opened the curtain and reached for the towel.

“Well, you’re not exactly wasting energy on television; you keep a pretty small carbon footprint if you ask me. A little self-indulgent shower shouldn’t put you on any red-lists.”

“I guess. I got the oven model number for you, it’s on a sticky note on your phone. I know I coulda texted it. I was upside down behind the stove and the sticky notes were on the fridge an arm’s length away.”

“I like sticky notes. I’ll have to leave you sticky note notes.” TJ smiled, tugging his underwear up. “You like watching me?”

“Hey, if you didn’t want an audience, you’d close the door. I do.” Bucky grinned. “I really do.”

TJ crossed the small space and kissed Bucky. “I’m glad.”

“Ok, dressed. I’ll get Eddie in the car.”

“Working on it now.” TJ called after Bucky.

Bucky made a sweep of the kitchen, making sure the stove was off and the fridge closed, and then turned the kitchen light off. “Come on Eddie, let’s go see your friends.”

TJ combed through his hair, listening to the sounds in the other room, making a mental checklist of things to bring by when he came back tonight. He looked around the small bathroom, he knew Bucky liked his toiletries; he’d bring some of that, even though the stuff on Bucky’s shower shelf smelled nice and he didn’t mind it. He’d bring extra towels and he’d make a note to stock up the supplies in the cabinet. So what if he’d get a frown for his troubles. TJ smirked.

TJ grabbed his bag, and hit the light switch by the door. Pulling the door closed behind him and checking the lock.


	28. Chapter 28

TJ had enjoyed running errands, getting the oven parts. He called the apartment management, and made a rent payment using the number on the prepaid credit card he bought for Bucky. He told them he was family wanting to do something as a gift and he’d appreciate if the surprise weren’t spoiled immediately, they could continue taking rent from the tenant until he revealed his gift. The girl was indifferent but accommodating.

At The Dome he met with applicants for the position of DJ, with the current DJ’s notice quickly coming to an end, he had to keep his thoughts on the task, even though the kept straying to the morning’s dog-walking session.

Eddie was still staunchly against setting foot in the shelter, but pranced and played with each of the various sized dogs they’d brought out for walking. “TJ are you going to be joining us regularly?” he was asked as he took two of the dogs in while Bucky stayed out with Eddie, talking to one of the shelter staff.

“I think I will be, should I be filling out official volunteer paperwork?”

“I can send you a link and you can fill out the volunteer questionnaire online. I’m glad you’ve been reeled in.”

“Thanks. I’m happy to help any way I can.”

He was. He could imagine doing more eventually, but for now, being a new dog-owner and walking some of the dogs was a good start.

The interviews were tedious, but even he admitted they were necessary. He treated himself to a non-alcoholic mixed drink and a dessert shooter when he was done, talking to the bartender. “What’s your opinion of the DJ applicants, I know you talked to each of them Cy.”

“I did. You sure you don’t want a little splash in this TJ?”

“I’m sure. I’m clean man. I slipped a week-and-a-half ago, but no. It can only go wrong. Just make the virgin as well as you make the potent stuff, it’ll still be good. Are you deflecting my question or trying to enable an addict?”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. So, the applicants. I liked MJ. I really did. Not only did I talk to her, she really knows her shit, but you heard all that TJ. What’s MJ stand for anyway?”

“Mary Jo.” TJ smirked. “She was awesome. Seems a little flighty and that makes me nervous.”

“I didn’t get that impression.” Cy said, leaning on one elbow on the bar, then moving when TJ raised an eyebrow.

“I think she’s either using or coming off. It won’t affect me _that way_ since I’m rarely here, but if it were to affect her work, or her coming in at all. I mean…”

“You sure it won’t affect you? It is something you should consider, as well as the responsibility angle. You thought about drug testing?”

“Would you pass Cy?”

“Shit no. Weed though. I’m responsible with my weed TJ.”

“Some people are gifted.” TJ smiled, “Are you responsible enough to not come to work high? I’m asking as a friend.”

“Recreational user, and I only do it on my off time, don’t rat me out man.”

“Your secret’s safe with me.” TJ laughed. “As long as you keep it at home, keep slinging drinks like this, and keep the patrons buying. What you do on your own time is none of my business.”

“Does that fuck with you TJ?”

“No. There’s a guy in my building, fucking chicks left and right, doesn’t make me jones for pussy.”

“Fuck you TJ.” Cy laughed. “You seem to be in better spirits than you were the last time I saw you, how’s Jacob treating you?

“He broke up with me, hence the tumble off the wagon.”

“Jesus, I didn’t know. He’s an ass. Maybe it’s time you start looking at someone more like the guy in your building brings down.”

“Nah, I’m not _that_ into women. I found someone Cy.”

“Fuck no?!”

“Yeah, half the time I’m freaking out that I’ll fuck it up, the other half I’m over the moon.”

“Who is this guy and where’d you find him?”

“A – I’m not into sharing and b –you’re not into guys.”

“Jesus. I didn’t ask for that reason. I was looking out for you, that’s all.”

“Yeah, you’re more concerned about me than half my family. You know, I want them to give me space, they won’t. I want them to maybe text or call once in a while, they won’t. Everyone knows by now I’m into this guy, they want to keep a bead on _where_ I am, but nobody asks _how_ I am.”

“I’m your bro TJ. Mistakes and all, sorry about the booze thing earlier, by the way. I’m proud you’re still making your way.”

“It’s not always easy. Do me a favor, if I ever come to you asking for booze or weed, you’ll just give me that attitude and say “fuck no”.”

“You’ve got a deal. No deal.” Cy chuckled.

“I gotta get moving. The drink was great; pass the word that the dessert shooter was good but could be better. The chocolate to whip ratio is off. It’s black and white, not white and black.”

“Yessir. Listen, are you considering becoming the kitchen manager when Ben leaves?”

“I hadn’t thought of it, why? Do you want that job?” TJ asked, standing up from the stool.

“No, but I think you’d be good at it. Mitch told me about you and the garnishes last week.”

“All I did was help with them so I could eat some, tell my guy I was taking care of myself.”

“You still showed him a thing, which he showed me.”

“Just a tip I got from a friend Garnishes don’t make a kitchen manager. I don’t have any kitchen experience.”

“Still, management. Entertainment and Kitchen.”

“Entertainment manager is practically a made-up title, and I don’t know if I could manage the hours a kitchen manager would be required to make.” TJ answered, as he made his way to the door.

“You have a while to think about it.” Cy continued, “Can’t hurt to consider.”

“I’ll think on it.” TJ said, turning to look over his shoulder. “You should think about it too, I’d put in a good word for you.”

TJ smiled at the conversation, somewhat normal, kind of deep, and he thought maybe, just maybe, Bucky’d get a kick out of the kitchen manager idea. He’s also encourage the hell out of him. He’d have to be just a little more sure about his intent before bringing it up.

TJ headed for home, and released Eddie from the crate. “Hey man, you wanna help me get some stuff together?” TJ chuckled as the dog followed him from linen cupboard to the bed, where he had everything spread out, and back. He put the toiletries in his toiletry bag and handed the strap to Eddie. “Take it to the bed.”

Eddie set it down in front of him and looked up at TJ. TJ retrieved it from Eddie’s feet and adjusted the strap shorter, then put the strap back into Eddie’s mouth. He crossed the space and called Eddie to the bed. This time Eddie kept the bag in his mouth and followed. “Bed.” TJ said. Eddie leapt up onto the bed, toppling the stack of folded towels, “Drop it.”

TJ cheered when the dog did so. He went back to the bathroom and looked around for something easy. He grabbed a tube of moisturizer, called Eddie to him, and held it out for Eddie to take. “Bed.” Eddie took the tube and leapt onto the bed. “Drop it.”

“Good boy Eddie!!” TJ cheered again. “We’re going to have to refine that, but, yes! You’re amazing.”

TJ filled a duffel bag with towels and hiked it over his shoulder. He stuffed the moisturizer into the toiletry bag and zipped it shut. “Leash, Eddie.” He ordered, then smiled when the dog went to the basket by the door, and rooted out his leash, bringing it back to TJ. TJ hooked it to his harness, which he’d opted not to remove earlier, and commanded him to follow. “We’re gonna go get Bucky.”

TJ pulled into the parking lot behind the bar as Bucky stepped out carrying a trash bag in one hand. He waved at TJ with the other hand, “No, I’m not gonna kiss you.” He called to TJ as he passed the car after tipping the bag into the dumpster.

“Good. Wash your hands, ya filthy animal.” TJ teased back. “He’ll be right back Eddie.” He soothed the dog when he whimpered as Bucky disappeared back inside the bar.

Bucky reappeared and slid into the passenger seat, kissing Eddie, whose face was in the way, first, and then leaning across the car to kiss TJ. “How was your day?”

“Well, I sat at the bar, talking alcohol and weed with the bartender, and I interviewed a number of potential DJ’s. As much as I hate the idea, I’m leaning toward one who is likely worse off than me. I don’t want to exclude her because of my suspicions of drugs, but I would hate to hire her and then have her prove unable to do her work.”

“If she’s not? I mean, she could have a condition that presents in similar ways.” Bucky suggested. “She doesn’t exactly have to disclose that information.”

“You have a point.” TJ said, pulling out of the driveway. “Let’s go drop Eddie off and pick up some groceries.”

Inside the market, TJ bumped Bucky’s shoulder. “Thanks for not saying something like “now you know how everyone around you felt at one time.”

“It never occurred to me to say that, and what good would something like that do you to have it said?”

“I’m just used to it, so thank you for being different.”

“Pal, I’m definitely very different.”

“I know. Probably why I like you.” TJ said, tossing a package of Oreos into the cart. “Hey, don’t give me that look. I know you like them.”

“If I get any this time.” Bucky teased.

“Come on, I shared.” TJ pushed the cart ahead, “what do we need? I got the oven part, so do you need stuff for baking?”

“Yeah, I could use a few things, and you’ll need some of it to make pancakes again.” They shopped more than Bucky had imagined needing to or being able to do in his lifetime. TJ bought small bags of flour, small boxes of sugar, at Bucky’s unnecessary reminder that nobody knew how long they’d need these supplies.

“Doesn’t mean you have to go without.” TJ answered Bucky’s argument.

“Right, doesn’t mean that. Anything that isn’t opened, you can take to the food bank.”

“Shut up Bucky.” TJ said gruffly.

Bucky laughed at his moody boy, “Sorry TJ. I mean, you could always take it home, I guess.”

“Shut it.” TJ repeated. “I don’t want to constantly be reminded.”

They shopped in silence after that, Bucky resolving to work harder on not reminding TJ of something that they were both much too well aware would happen.

TJ tugged bags of groceries roughly from the trunk of the car and carried them inside the apartment, setting them down roughly. “Eddie stop.” He complained sharply when the dog started nudging his leg and hand.

“TJ, please don’t take it out on Eddie. I’m the one who upset you.”

“Where do you want this?” TJ asked, ignoring the comment.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does, where do. you. want. it.”

“Why does it matter where I want a goddamned bag of flour? When what I feel doesn’t matter, huh TJ?”

“What you feel? You’re the only one who feels? You laughed at my pain.”

“I laughed because you’re cute, and I was wrong to do it. I’m really sorry, but shutting me out doesn’t fix shit.”

“You would know. Shutting out people who care about you. People who want to help you.”

“This mess isn’t about him, so don’t start that TJ. I haven’t shut you out, I’m sorry I reminded you of something neither of us wants. I don’t, you know. Do you want to know what I **do** want?”

Bucky leaned against the counter, crossing his arms, waiting.

“What?” TJ asked, standing opposite Bucky, mirroring his stance.

“I want to know I’ll be with you without a doubt. I want to meet your parents and your brother, I want to meet your grandmother and tease her with ‘did I know her once’, because you said it would make her day. I want to live in _your_ apartment, not this rat hole. I want to move freely around town and tell people my real name. I don’t want to have to lie just to be able to walk homeless dogs and I want to fucking shop in those warehouse stores for supplies to last a goddamned lifetime. I want my own fucking arm back, and I want my memories to have never been taken from me.” Bucky put his hand up between TJ and him when TJ tried to pull him in for a hug. “I want to never have been a tool, and a weapon, and I want to never have killed people against my own fucking will.”

TJ finally succeeded in reaching for Bucky as he sobbed, TJ took Bucky’s left hand, the hand that Bucky had put between them as a barrier, and pulled him to the sofa.

“Sit down baby.” TJ said softly, letting Eddie sit next to Bucky. TJ sat on the arm of the sofa, putting his arm across Bucky’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry. I know. I want those things too. Some of them, we’ll get them. I promise. Some we’re just going to have to work around.”

“But I want those most of all TJ.”

“I know.” TJ cradled Bucky’s head against his chest, “I know, but I can’t figure out how to take you back in time honey.”


	29. Chapter 29

TJ was helpless as tears dripped over his cheeks and into Bucky’s hair, and Bucky was just as much so, as his tears fell over TJ’s arms. Eddie nuzzled close to Bucky, tucking his head under Bucky’s arm and squeezing close.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky eventually said, “Today started out so nice.”

“I’m sorry. I caused that. I should know better, I love you so much, and life just scares me, and hurts, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m going to go get a shower. Will you pull the bed out?”

“Sure. If I put the groceries away, is there a wrong way?”

“Fix it like your place, the best you can. I know how that was arranged and you’re familiar with it.”

“Take your time Bucky, get the water nice and hot. I brought some stuff from home if you want to use it and the towels are in that bag.”

“Soft ones? The sweet smelling ones?”

“Yeah. Go relax sweetheart.”

TJ unfolded the bed, spreading the thick fuzzy blanket over the top of the sheet. He pulled the pillows form the wardrobe and stacked them on Bucky’s side, then worked on putting groceries away. He set his alarm for early so he could get up to make pancakes, and then changed into pajama pants, and a soft t-shirt. He was about to feed Eddie when heard the water still running, so he headed in to check on Bucky.

“Bucky?” TJ called through the door, when he got no answer, he stepped into the bathroom, “Hey I’m opening the curtain.”

He saw Bucky sitting on the floor of the shower, with his knees up to his chest and his face buried in his hands, and he could tell by the fine spray that splashed on him that the water was cold. He looked at the faucet and it was on full cold.

“Oh god. Bucky, honey, come on. Stand up for me please.” TJ turned the water warm and then gradually hotter. He held a hand out for Bucky but when he didn’t take it, TJ stepped into the tub, reaching down with both hands and physically pulled Bucky to his feet. “Honey, warm water relaxes, come on, hold onto me.”

“You’re getting your clothes wet.” Bucky sobbed.

“I don’t care. I’m fine. We need to warm you up. You’re freezing. What happened between the living room and the shower?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Ok, that’s fine. That's ok. Is it alright if I wash your hair? Please don’t worry about my clothes.” TJ added when Bucky’s hands tugged on the hem of TJ’s t-shirt. “I’m going to wash your hair, which shampoo? This or the one I brought?”

“Yours.” Bucky answered in a whisper.

TJ washed and rinsed Bucky’s hair, “Is it ok if I wash you? Or do you think you’re up to it?”

Bucky took the soap and started to lather his chest and arms, but he collapsed against TJ, “I’m so sorry TJ.”

“It’s ok. Whatever it is, you’re fine. You're allowed, it's ok. It’s not always easy but you’re not alone anymore. Hand me the soap.” Bucky held the bar between them and TJ took it, watching Bucky carefully.

TJ finished Bucky’s shower, then stripped out of his clinging, wet clothes, and left them in the tub. He’d worry about them in the morning. He stepped out of the shower, dripping on the thick bath mat, he gathered up two big fluffy towels, and wrapped one around Bucky’s waist, fastening it. He then he draped the other over Bucky’s shoulders. TJ tugged Bucky’s hand lightly, and Bucky stepped out of the tub.

“I know it’s hard sometimes, coping with things is so physically and emotionally exhausting.” TJ kissed Bucky’s forehead after he guided him to sit on the toilet lid. He took the towel from Bucky’s shoulders and started toweling his hair, “I’m sorry I had a shitty attitude, and I hope my coming here hasn’t caused this. If you think we’d be better off with me back at my apartment, it would suck, but I’d do it.”

Bucky’s arms snaked around TJ’s waist, “No.” he said into TJ’s chest.

“Ok.” TJ’s hands clasped lightly on Bucky’s head, he was careful to be gentle with very little pressure, remembering the flashback to the vice the other day at the beach house. TJ tugged softly on the wet tendrils of hair, “comb?”

“It’s in the drawer.”

TJ was happy to be getting responses that fit the commentary, but elaborated for the answer he needed right now, “I know honey. Should I comb your hair?”

“If you want.”

“Bucky, pal. We can’t do it that way. You have to tell me if you want me to.”

“I want you to.” Bucky finally said.

TJ took his time pulling the comb through the wet, silky mass of hair, smoothing his fingers through any spots that could contain tangles. They were both quiet, and TJ was working backward, Bucky’s breath soft on his chest as he reached to do the back of Bucky’s hair.

Satisfied that there would be no snarls, TJ ran the comb through his own hair before taking the towel from Bucky’s shoulders and patting any wet spots from his own skin. He helped Bucky to his feet and removed the towel at his waist, helping him into the track pants Bucky had brought into the bathroom before his shower.

TJ’s heart was pounding as he thought about how hard the discussion had hit Bucky, reducing him beyond the equivalent of the shivering mess from his shower almost a week ago. The strongest person he knew, aside from maybe his grandmother, and he was hardly even capable of putting a pair of pants on. TJ led Bucky to the bed and helped him into one of the oversized fleece hoodies he’d brought from home before putting the softest music on in the background, and then turned lights off.

Bucky sat on the edge of the bed, thinking. He wasn’t sure what had happened, he’d set his stuff down on the counter by the sink and stepped into the shower before turning it on. He turned the water on, intending to manage the temperature, but he froze. He lost track of what he was doing, lost track of time, and by the time he realized he had broken down, TJ had found him.

“Bucky, come lay beside me. I’d like to make sure you’re warm.”

“TJ.”

“Yes sweetheart.”

“I’m sorry.” Bucky rolled onto his side, lying on the stack of pillows TJ had set out.

“For what?” TJ pulled the blanket over Bucky, folding his half over him too, to double coverage and warmth.

“For everything.”

“Oh. You know I know that right?” TJ’s hands stroked Bucky’s shoulders and back. “I know you are.”

“I don’t know what happened. I stopped.”

“Stopped what?”

“Doing.” TJ remained concerned about Bucky, his speech was not necessarily _stilted,_ but the pattern was unlike anything he’d observed from him before, and TJ wasn’t sure what to do for him, and he was barely maintaining a state of calm. He couldn't panic, because he had nobody else to call for help. This wasn't one of those forewarned "call Steve" moments.

“You stopped doing?"

“I just stopped, doing anything. I don’t know why.”

“Oh,” TJ sighed before kissing the back of Bucky’s neck. “Too much, too many emotions at once. Do you want to know something? I’m not keeping track.”

“Good. It happens. I thought maybe it had stopped happening. I thought you’d made it stop.”

TJ’s gut clenched, “Bucky, I wish I could. But I _can_ be there for you to get you through times like this, and for after.”

Bucky shifted and turned around to face TJ. “I like that. I’d still be in there if it wasn’t for you.”

“Are you warming up?”

“A little.”

“We should have dried your hair.” TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky and Bucky tangled his legs with TJ’s.

“I think this will be enough, I feel…”

TJ waited as Bucky formed the thought, rubbing circles over Bucky’s back.

“It’s only happened to me when I’m alone, I’m embarrassed.”

“I wish you weren’t. You’ve seen and done things, but then every day that you make breakfast or dinner, every time you walk the dogs or go to work, those are the real you. They are your triumph over what those – over what they did to you. It’s actually surprising and amazing that you’re doing as well as you are without help… I’m rambling, but I think you get the idea.”

They lay together, limbs entwined, foreheads touching. TJ’s fingers lightly tickling Bucky’s back, while Bucky’s shivering died down.

“TJ?”

“Yup?”

“Thank you. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry Bucky. You’re welcome.”

“No, I mean I’m sorry I keep bringing it up. In the store, I hurt you. I’ve been so concerned that you need to be made aware that by now it’s become a broken record. I won’t mention it anymore.”

“I appreciate it. No, I don’t need to be any more aware than I am. I’ll accept the inevitable when it comes, in my own way, but I want the days between to be as fresh and as happy as we can make them. We have this other thing to work around, on both sides, that’s more than enough reality for us to have to deal with at one time. So it would be nice to shove the taboo subject into the future where it belongs.”

“You’ve got a deal.” Bucky brought his fingers to TJ’s face; they were warmer, which gave TJ some relief. He leaned into Bucky’s touch.

“I love you, you know that, right?”

“I know TJ.”

“I’m sorry for my behavior. If I set this off, I’m even sorrier.”

“It could have been that, it could have just been me. We didn’t even get dinner, I’m so sorry.

“If you’re hungry, I’ll fix you something. I’m not sure I could eat right now. What would you like?”

“Mm. I’m good.” Bucky’s fingers settled on TJ’s neck, “I just started to get warm.”

“Can I ask why the cold?”

“I just didn’t get as far as the hot faucet when things started creeping in on me.”

“Well I’m glad you started with the cold, in that case.”

Bucky snickered and TJ looked into his eyes. “What’s so funny? You being scalded wouldn’t be funny. I’m worried enough about your forced hypothermia, if you had hot water burns I’d have had no choice but call 911.”

“Sorry.” Bucky’s snickers turned to laughter, “Sorry, improper emotional responses, like aftershocks.”

“I take it back. I hate you.”

“You don’t.” Bucky’s laughter subsided as he brushed a thumb over TJ’s jaw.

“You’re right, I don’t. You’re ok, perfect just the way you are.”

“Not perfect.” Bucky closed his eyes.

“No, not perfect, but good enough.” TJ stroked Bucky’s cheek, “get some sleep, tomorrow’s a new day. I’m gonna make pancakes, I even set an early alarm. When this happens and you’re alone, how do you get past it?”

“Just shove it away, in the past. Accept that it happened and go forward.”

“Ok, we move forward. Is this music ok? Should I turn it off?”

“Put yours on, please?”

TJ blushed, because he didn’t realize Bucky knew he had his own music on his phone, and because it was requested with such reverence. “You peeked.”

“I peeked. I was looking for music at the beach, remember?”

“That’s right, nosy, sly devil.” TJ smiled, turning to reach for his phone but finding resistance in Bucky’s arms around him, “Hey, you gotta loosen the hold if you want me to switch the music.”

“Make it snappy.” Bucky said.

“Here’s my boy, getting all demanding. I’m glad the cold water thing wasn’t some Hydra self-imposed punishment bullshit, that’s where my mind went right away.”

“No, just faded out before I got the task done. I don’t think I have anything like _that_ lurking anywhere.” Bucky snuggled closer to TJ after he changed the music. “Mmm, this is good. You should be famous TJ.”

“What? Infamous not good enough for you?” TJ chuckled, “I think we’re both as infamous as we could be and that’s more than enough.”

“Probably right. Still, you should at least be selling this.”

“Someday, that’s the dream. I need to be less sensitive about rejection, and more secure in my daily life, that kind of thing is rife with drugs and alcohol.”

“I support any attempt. I’d like to see you put it out there. You play beautifully, I feel guilty dragging you away from your piano.”

“Don’t, please. It’s just one of the many things I did this afternoon. I just feel bad that you’re not there watching.”

“Maybe I can sneak over one day, in a week or so, a mini-vacation.” Bucky chuckled softly.

“If you don’t feel threatened or exposed, sure, I’d like that. I like it here too.”

“You’re just saying that.” Bucky said, nuzzling closer, laying his head on TJ’s chest.

“I’m not. The blanket, and the towels are a good addition, but it’s cozy here. I have said cozy before, and I mean it. I'm not going to insult your intelligence by lying to make you feel good. Eddie settles in without a second thought, everything is warm and welcoming. You’ve made a nice home here, in spite of your occasional check-outs and improper emotional responses.”

“You’re just being a jerk now.” Bucky said, but smiled against TJ’s chest.

“Yeah, I’m kind of an asshole.” TJ smiled, stroking Bucky’s hair, separating the strands between his fingers and thumb. “Go to sleep.”

“You too, you promised me pancakes.”

“That’s right, I did, and if you keep talking I won’t get any sleep and I’ll burn the place down in the attempt, so shhh.”

TJ lay awake, listening to the snoring sounds coming from the other side of Bucky, definitely Eddie snores. He tried to tell if Bucky was sleeping, but had trouble discerning his breathing over the growly snoring. His curiosity was satisfied midway through the third song.

“Thank you TJ.”

“You’re welcome, again, and you're supposed to be sleeping. Are you warm enough?”

“Mmm-hm. Mind’s just running over. It happens sometimes, shut down and then overload. Can’t get thoughts to settle.”

“Is this when you usually write? We can turn the light on, I’ll still make pancakes, I’ll just do it now instead of waiting.”

“I didn’t want to keep you up.”

“I was up on my own.” TJ scooted to the edge and sat up. After a good stretch, he went to the fridge and pulled Bucky’s notebook from the top, and some milk and Oreos from inside the fridge and cabinet respectively. He poured the milk into two tall, mismatched glasses that looked like they might be from the seventies. They were clear, both tinted green, that “70’s avocado” color, one was smooth the other had been molded to look like cut crystal. TJ brought the collection to the sofa, handing Bucky one glass then using his free hand to pull the notebook out from under his other arm. “So, milk and cookies, they always used to help me out in a crisis. Before I thought I was too mature for them.”

“Thanks.” Bucky said, scooting to the corner of the sofa, in order to reach the side-table to set his glass down between writings. He took a stack of three Oreos and set them on his lap, opening the book to the first empty page.

TJ walked around the bed to the corner where Bucky was sitting and kissed the top of his head. Bucky didn’t look up even when TJ stroked his hair, already writing frantically. TJ took a couple of Oreos from the package on the arm of the sofa, moved the package to the table next to Bucky’s milk, and then went to the kitchen to work on pancakes.

TJ warmed one skillet on the back of the stove and heated the one he’d cleaned out that morning, was it only that morning when things were less complicated? He combined the ingredients for the scratch pancakes as he’d done the other day, another time skip that he couldn’t believe. Testing the skillet, he poured the first pancake and looked across the room to see Bucky dunk a cookie and put the whole thing in his mouth as he continued writing.

At least he wasn’t so focused that the food had escaped his notice. TJ figured that was a good sign. TJ discarded his first pancake attempt. He made better progress with the second one, he guessed, as he flipped the pancake when it was ready to turn. He checked the warming skillet, and moved his batter closer to the stovetop. His process slowly simplified, calming TJ’s nerves.

Bucky smelled the familiar sweet, hot aroma as he started winding down from things to write. He found his stack of cookies gone and his milk half-empty and brushed crumbs from the corners of his mouth. He met TJ’s gaze across the room and smiled.

“Smells good TJ. Is it too late to ask for bacon?”

“You want bacon? I’ll give you bacon.” TJ smiled, whirling to open the refrigerator. “Do you feel better?”

“I feel… still a little embarrassed, actually. I know, but I do.” He argued before TJ could tell him again not to be.

“I understand. I can’t tell you not to be embarrassed. All I can tell you is that I don’t see anything wrong.  I’m glad you opened up to me as much as you felt that you could, and that you’re able to put the rest on paper. I’m not judging anything that happened, except for my part in what brought it on.” TJ put the bacon in the hot skillet, dotting the pancakes in the covered skillet with butter. They shared the peaceful quiet of music and the sound and smell of bacon frying. Bucky focused on the patterns in the ceiling texture, and TJ poked at the bacon, and watched Bucky from across the room. The thought occurred to TJ as he gathered paper towels and three plates, “I guess I’ve got double-breakfast duty. What would you like in the morning?”

“In the morning, call the diner down the street and order waffles for me, ham, eggs, and potatoes. They have a good omelet too if you’d like. I’m buying, if you’ll pick it up.”

“Bucky.”

“TJ.” Bucky smiled a nice warm smile. “After tonight, we deserve it. Every once in a while I know how to splurge too.”

“Ok, I’m humoring you.” TJ smiled, putting bacon on one of the plates lined with paper-towels. “Syrup only tonight, I didn’t prepare any fruit.”

“It smells great, evokes a camp stove.” Bucky answered, shuffling his feet under the blanket, trying to wedge his cold toes under Eddie’s sleeping bulk.

“You ok?”

“Feet are freezing.”

“Well, we’ve got a good foot warmer in Eddie there, and I have some nice, warm socks.” TJ said as he dished up both plates and doused the pancakes with warm maple syrup. “Nothing on this plate is cold either, should warm you, and your spirits.”

TJ set his plate in his spot on the sofa before handing Bucky his own, and then went to his bag to pull out a pair of thick socks. “Talk about camping, these are from when we go fishing. Warmest things ever.”

Bucky dropped his fork to his plate and caught the socks TJ tossed at him, rubbing the wool between his fingers. “Reminds me of when I was a kid, we had thick wool socks like this, and ma would be darning socks to prepare for cold weather days. All this time and effort to keep me warm and I wind up on ice for the better part of a century.”

“Bucky, we’re talking about fishing, camp-stoves, warmth, and maple syrup. There’s no more ice. No cold.” TJ crawled skillfully around Eddie with his plate in one hand, settling up against Bucky’s side. “You got that?”

“I’ll try to remember.” Bucky answered, setting his plate on TJ’s lap and slipping the socks on under the covers, then wedged his feet back under Eddie and retrieved his pancakes. “Thank you for the socks.”

TJ smiled, “I’m happy to help. I’d kiss you but the angle’s wrong and there’s food.”

“Never stopped you before.” Bucky teased, kissing the side of TJ’s mouth. “Yup, angle’s wrong.”

TJ shifted, touching Bucky’s sweatshirt covered shoulder, “Let’s try again.”

“The evening or the kiss?” Bucky asked, a ghost of darkness clouding his eyes.

“Just the kiss, it’s enough for now. I got a hint of maple on your kiss and I want more. More kisses.”

“Only kisses tonight TJ.”

“Yes, only kisses, and another back rub for you when the food’s eaten and your tootsies are warm.” TJ winked.

“Tootsies, huh?”

“Eh, it made you smile.” TJ said around a bite of pancakes.

“I’m rubbing off on you in the worst way, I barely understood that.” Bucky smiled again, before taking a bite.

TJ toasted Bucky with his next forkful. “I think that’s one of your finer qualities, actually.”

Bucky shook his head slowly, with his lower lip between his teeth, and only just managed to _not_ roll his eyes. “I love you TJ, even if it’s the worst thing in the world for you. God I love you.”

“I’m irresistible for a while. Then it wears off. You should be fine by, oh, autumn of this year, Christmas historically… or at least that dreadful birthday. By one of those, you should be well over me.”

“Bullshit. I’m not one of those assholes who didn’t understand your value and adore you. I’m in love with you, and there’s no season, holiday or anything else that will change that.”

“I’m sorry, it was supposed to be funny. I failed. I’ll go back to eating like a starving orphan.” TJ said with a wink.

“Yeah, wasn’t as funny as you’d hoped. Could be we’re both raw from earlier too. Pancakes are perfect again TJ, not to change the subject.”

“Oh, by all means, the subject needs to be changed. Thanks, I managed to mess up just the first one. Getting used to the skillet.”

“Where’d this messed up pancake end up?”

“It’s waiting for Eddie.”

At the sound of his name, Eddie looked up, and over his shoulder at them, bringing laughter to both of the emotionally exhausted men.

“See what you made me do?” TJ winked at Bucky before taking his last bite.

“At least he’ll wait. This dog is incredibly patient.”

“He needs to be, with me running his life. I’m so glad my first pet was such a soft introduction. He might be giving me a false sense of security though. Now I’ll always expect other dogs to be like this.”

“Not if you keep coming to walk the dogs, they’ll give you a dose of reality.” Bucky offered. He took TJ’s empty plate and his, as well as his empty glass. “Thank you for doing this TJ. It means the world.”

“You mean the world Bucky. Anything I can do to make things even the slightest bit easier. Even if I don’t know what to do, I’ll at least try making something happen. If it’s pancakes, that’s what I’ll do.”

“You did more than pancakes.” TJ watched Bucky slip the dishes onto the side of the sink. It must still be affecting him more than he was making it out to be if he wasn’t going to insist on washing them right away. Bucky picked up the mangled first pancake, “Doesn’t look so hot, but it would probably taste like the rest. Eddie.”

The dog looked up, waiting.

“Come.” Bucky said, setting the broken up pancake in Eddie’s dish. “We should probably feed you the good stuff too.”

“Yeah, I was about to do that and got a sense of alarm. Look at him, he’s so patient and he’d have waited til morning, and then I’d have felt awful.” TJ watched Bucky fill Eddie’s bowls.

“You and me both.” Bucky said, crossing the room, “Ok, I think I’m officially beat.”

“I’ll bet you are. Come on, lie down, and let me rub your back. Don’t argue,” TJ ordered, reading Bucky’s features, hoping to stop an argument before it could start, “you can do it next time.”

“Ok. Tomorrow then.” Bucky agreed out of sheer emotional exhaustion.

“Yeah. Tomorrow. Was agreeing with me that hard?”

“Yes.” Bucky said, crawling into the covers, “I hate being needy.”

“So you’d rather I be the needy one?” TJ asked, kneading Bucky’s shoulders, eliciting a groan. “Sore? I’m sorry.”

“I’d rather be there for you sometimes, instead of always breaking down and making you pick up the pieces.” Bucky said, partially muffled by the pillow.

“I think I got all of that, and what I got out of it was bull. You do those things for me too. We’re neither of us what anyone would call the picture of mental health, but we’re able to get by. If we lean on each other, who’s to say it’s wrong?”

“Probably your therapist for one, your… mother, the governments… of the world.” Bucky responded as TJ’s massage went deeper into his tight muscles.

“Fuck all of them then.” TJ said against Bucky’s jaw before kissing it. “I say I’m happier with you.”

“Me too. You asked the question.” Bucky answered with amusement in his voice.

“I’m so glad you sound more like you.” TJ kissed Bucky’s temple, “You should be sleeping by now, just tell me to shut up.”

“Don’t wanna sleep, don’t want you to stop talkin’ either.” Bucky protested.

“I’ll talk then, but not about anything that happened yesterday. I think we’re both about done apologizing to each other, for a long time. So,” TJ dug his thumbs into the muscles above Bucky’s tailbone, “I’m going to pick up breakfast, should we skip the shelter for one day, since you’re opposed to taking more time off work, and you could use a break?”

“You’d have me home all the time, if it were up to you.”

“Consider me spoiled. I got used to being around you the last few days. I like it a lot.”

“It would get tiresome.” Bucky warned. "And there could be more of this, what happened tonight."

“For you too.” TJ agreed. “But while it’s new, for the most part, it would still be nice.”

“You’d never get any work done either. Don’t kid yourself, you like a regular schedule. Let’s do skip the shelter – just tomorrow.”

“Yes, just tomorrow. You had a tough night. You deserve to sleep in a little and then pig out on waffles before going to work slinging drinks for tips.”

“It’s easy work. It’s clean and as legal as I can get – even though I’m doing it illegally.”

“Does that bother you?”

“Hell yeah, but not as much as the things I could be doing with my time. You know, there are people out there who voluntarily do what I was forced to do.”

“I know, which makes me even angrier. The problem is you were a bundle offer. You didn’t have to be paid, and in addition to all of that, you could be a guinea pig for their nasty deeds, and you couldn’t say ‘no’.”

“Yeah. Shitty. But with what I know how to do, I could be out there using my skills, on the illegality scale, I’d say I’m almost as legit as anyone.”

“I’ll buy that, and it’ll come in handy for your defense someday. “The defendant could have chosen illegal activity, instead, opted for a minimum wage job with tips.” I’d add it to your best qualities.” TJ kissed between Bucky’s shoulder blades.

Bucky groaned, TJ was pretty sure it was from his choice of words, not from his light kiss.

“You’re going to have to put up with me saying stuff like that.”

“I guess. It just makes me nervous thinking about it. I’m nowhere near a defense, or a fair trial.”

“I’ll get you one, one day. Until then you just put up with me.” TJ put his head on Bucky’s back at his waist, lying perpendicular across the bed with his legs dangling over the edge. “I love you.”

“I love you TJ. Head up a second.” Bucky turned over when TJ did as asked. He put his hand on TJ’s chest. “I couldn’t reach the other way, not without undoing everything you just did.”

TJ laid his hand over Bucky’s. “I’m not complainin’. I told you about the DJ interviews, did I tell you Cy asked me if I was going to be taking over the kitchen manager’s position?”

“No, you didn’t get that far. Do you want to?”

“I don’t know enough about my own kitchen to manage it, let alone a restaurant. No I don’t want it, but I think Cy would be great for it. I just thought you’d get a laugh out of it.”

“I wouldn’t laugh TJ, especially if it was something that you want. You have the potential to do anything you put your mind to. I’d have been surprised because your interest in the kitchen centers more on eating and sex, but I wouldn’t have laughed.”

TJ laughed. “You’re right, of course. But I’m used to being ridiculed, so I kind of expected it.”

“I’m teasing you, because I know you can take it. Anyone who ridicules you should walk a mile in your shoes. Jesus I’m sorry you have that kind of expectation of people.”

“I know you’re upset on my behalf. You know what else I know? You’re tired, or you’d have more oomph behind your “jesus”.” TJ sounded amused.

“You think so?” Bucky lifted his head to look at TJ.

TJ smiled, “Yeah.”

Bucky twined his fingers through TJ’s hair lazily, “You might be onto something. I’m conserving energy. I’ll be properly livid about it in the morning.”

“You won’t. By then you’ll have cooled off. I honestly don’t say the things I do to get a response. It usually comes out because I’m shocked.”

“I’m making it my mission to ensure that you’re less and less shocked when people are positive and supportive.”

TJ lay with his eyes closed, enjoying the feel of Bucky’s fingers in his hair and his hand on his chest. “Dumb question, and before you correct me, listen. How is it my hair isn’t getting caught in the plates on your fingers?”

“Magic. Now go to sleep.” Bucky tried not to smile and to keep his tone stern.

“You’re hilarious. Is it really magic?”

“Might as well be. Some Hydra voodoo. It’s basically the same thing that makes it waterproof, fittings and seals. Can you imagine if I got my own hair caught in it?”

“Some assassin you’d be.” TJ said with a lazy grin. “Yeah. It makes sense.”

“My turn for a dumb question, how the hell did you end up with such beautiful hair?”

“Gypsy curse.” TJ snickered. “No, you should see Nana, she’s got lovely hair. I’m going to go ahead and say I got that from her genes. Everything else is fucked up, but I’ve got nice hair.”

“You also have a warm and generous personality. You’re smart. You’re insanely talented. You’re shaping up to be an excellent cook. Your massage skills are unmatched. You’re a fantastic lover. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have fantastic taste in bartenders.”

“I’d tell you to stop… but don’t stop.”

“You’re listening? I didn’t want you to hear any of that.”

TJ reached over his shoulder and lightly pinched Bucky’s side. “You’re lying.”

“Only about not wanting you to hear. Everything else was the gods’ honest truth.”

“You’re really working on that mission you’ve set for yourself.”

“It comes very easily to me TJ, I mean everything I say.” Bucky brushed his hand across TJ’s jaw, “Why would I give myself the task of doing something I didn’t believe in?”

“Cos you’re a nice guy.” TJ said, turning into Bucky’s hand and kissing it. He moved to lie beside Bucky, putting his hand on Bucky’s chest, between the sweatshirt and his skin. “I finally found myself a nice guy.”

“I hope I’m the guy you deserve. I don’t see how it’s possible, but I’m willing to become that guy.”

“Shhh. You’re everything I could hope for and more than I could deserve. Are you warm?”

“Just warm enough, thank you again for treating me so tenderly, it made coming out of it so much easier.”

“I’d hate to think of you going through that alone.”

“More times than I can count, trust me, you made it bearable. I wish you didn’t have to see it, but I’m glad I had you.”

“I’m here. I’ll always do whatever I can for you.”

“I told you that you deserved better.”

“You did, but you don’t get to add that piece of rhetoric to your mission. You understand me?” TJ nuzzled against Bucky’s neck. “You’re not going to convince me of that.”

“You’re tired, you’re talking in circles.” Bucky sighed against TJ’s warm breath. “But if talking makes you feel better.”

“It does. If I say it all enough, you’ll believe it. I guess I have my own mission.”

“You do, it’s called go to sleep TJ.” Bucky’s voice was filled with adoration and humor.

“I know.”

“You don’t have to watch over me tonight. I’ll be asleep in no time, I promise. Just stop entertaining me for a while.” Bucky kissed TJ’s forehead, “Goodnight TJ, love.”

“Good night Bucky, sweetheart.” TJ muttered against Bucky’s neck, his hand still nestled under Bucky’s shirt.


	30. Chapter 30

Bucky was gently awakened by TJ’s fingers combing through his hair. “Hey handsome.” He saw TJ smiling down at him, “You said you wanted this stuff? Smells good. Eddie wants it if you don’t.”

“Mmm. I didn’t hear you leave. That’s new.”

“Don’t worry, you’re safe, I left Eddie behind to make sure of it.” TJ caressed Bucky’s face. “I understand though, because you’ve made me all soft and sensitive too.”

“I have?”

“Yeah, tender endearments instead of sarcastic comments. Gentle touches instead of quickies. You’re changing me.”

Bucky kissed TJ’s palm, “I love you however you are so don’t change if you don’t want to.”

“I’m not complaining and I’m not _blaming_ you, just making an observation.” TJ watched Bucky sit up; and smiled at the glimpse of belly he was treated to where the sweatshirt had been hiked up.

“Does smell good. It’s indulgent for humans, dogs get none of this.” Bucky scratched Eddie’s ear, “Bed Eddie.”

They watched as Eddie, without a crate to go to, moved to the far end of the bed and lay down, looking at them over his paws.

“So, what did you decide on?” Bucky asked, digging into the potatoes in one Styrofoam container.

“Same as you. I didn’t realize it was so big though.”

“Well, you can save some for later, you can test out your new microwave, oh wait? Where is that?”

“I didn’t get that particular errand run yesterday. I’ll do it today.”

“Don’t rush on my account.” Bucky teased.

“I know, I know. You think it’s stupid.”

“No TJ, not stupid. _For me_ , it’s unnecessary, but I like teasing you. I meant nothing else by it. If it makes you feel more at home, I say go for it.”

“I will.” TJ scooted closer to Bucky, “Good choice in breakfast too.”

“You remember me saying I was buying?”

“Oh? Was that part of the conversation? Last night was so overwhelming, I must have forgotten.”

“Right. Because you’re the one with the Swiss cheese memory.”

“You never know, you know my history, I messed with my own brain. It could be me.”

“It could be you’re full of shit.” Bucky bumped his leg against TJ’s teasingly. “But I still like you.”

“You’ve downgraded me.”

“Yeah, I guess I have.” Bucky winked before taking a bite of waffle. “Mm-these are good, but your pancakes are better.”

“You’re just saying that to lessen the blow of downgrading me to the ‘like’ column in your heart.”

“Piece of ham to make it up to you?”

“I have my own ham, thank you – and you’re an extra side of ham yourself this morning.”

“You do know I’m teasing, right? I love you more today than yesterday.”

“You’re either a walking cliché or you don’t know any better, and I don’t know which I like more.”

“I’m just telling you the truth. Some clichés are that way because they’re the truest thing or the easiest way to express that thing. You’re hard to please, I like you, you complain, I love you, you complain.”

“Well, I’m complicated. As for the clichés, just keep it up, I’m keeping you no matter what, so don’t worry too much about it.”

“I’m not worried. The one thing I don’t worry about, TJ, is how we feel about each other. Even last night when you were clearly pissed at me, I knew why. I also didn’t mistake your anger for you not loving me. I’ve had very little practical experience with emotions influenced by people outside of myself. It’s overwhelming sometimes to love you.”

“I hope it’s not so overwhelming that it’s negative.” TJ’s fingers doodled across Bucky’s thigh. “I kinda like the idea of overwhelming someone, but I’ve also been overwhelmed and it’s not always such a great feeling.”

“Don’t be alarmed, it’s mostly good. I just need to understand how to process it. Love doesn’t fit the handy little spots I’ve carved out for everything.”

“No, it’s pretty messy, you’ll learn all emotions are messy and they spill over each other and into other spots. This is why we’ve had some messy, messy moments.”

“Knowing that and living it aren’t the same. Intellectually that’s obvious, but finding out, messy.” Bucky brushed his knee along TJ’s leg. “I can put up with a little messy when the bonus is someone who looks out for me and has chosen to wade through the mess too.”

“Today. Today we are going to have a better day. I’m looking forward to everything we didn’t do yesterday.”

“Coming home and cooking dinner?” TJ asked, eating from the foam container.

“Yeah. It’s a thing we do well together. If you’ll pick up a movie neither of us has seen yet, we can watch that while we eat.”

“I like that. TJ?”

“Yes?” TJ grew worried over what could have caused the sudden change in Bucky’s tone.

“I’m so sorry I scared you.”

“I’m sorry I gave you that indication. I was angry, on your behalf.”

Bucky ate quietly thinking about what TJ was saying. Anger was a familiar emotion. Anger on someone else’s behalf? He’d been angry with Steve for being so insistent on that last night before he shipped out. He’d kicked himself for it for most of the crossing to England, he’d fretted and worried that he was being selfish by being angry about the little shit blowing their last night together. When what it really was, the whole time, was anger over how determined Steve was to get himself killed. He’d spent a lifetime protecting him, sometimes from unseen foes that he really couldn’t protect him from, and now the jerk wanted to go somewhere he wouldn’t have any protection? No, Bucky realized, he’d thought he was selfish, but he’d been righteously angry.

TJ touched Bucky’s thigh after a long silence, and after he watched as Bucky set his fork down. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said, appearing to TJ to be still drifting from a faraway place, “yeah, I’m ok. I just got caught up by what you said, ‘angry on my behalf’. It’s hard when you feel protective of someone else and you have no control. I’m sorry; you must have felt pretty helpless.”

“Strangely enough, at the time I didn’t. I was only concerned for your safety. If I’d felt helpless, I’m afraid you’d have suffered in the cold longer. It wasn’t until after that it freaked me out. It’s ok though. I’m willing to learn what I need to do to deal with anything this mess throws at me. I don’t want you to get too protective over me and start shutting me out. I know that if it gets ugly for me, you won’t let me shut you out.”

“You’re right. I’ll do my best to remember that TJ. It was so much nicer to have you there to bring me out of it and warm me up. Coming out of one of those alone is terribly disorienting.”

TJ continued to rub his hand over Bucky’s thigh. “Are you sure you’re ok for today?”

“TJ, I have to work.”

“That’s not what I asked.” TJ said gently, “Do I have to call Lee and have _her_ ask you if you’re _“ok”_ to work? You’re not yourself Bucky. I’m happy to make up the difference if it is about the money. You get someone to cover you, your job’s safe. I’ll call a bartender from The Dome if you can’t get someone to cover.”

“I don’t know what to do with this. I’m not used to so much of it.”

“What? People who care? Get used to it. You’re stuck with me and my concerned ass watching over you.”

“You deserve better. You deserve to be out, running around, enjoying life.”

“Stop.” TJ looked at Bucky, he took the abandoned food carton and moved it aside. “I’ve done more than my fair share of running around. You, come here.”

Bucky leaned against TJ. Wrapped in his arms, he felt like a burden, and he felt protected at the same time.

“I’m calling Lee. You deserve to make all of the choices in the world about your life, but today I’m going to have to get your other friend – maybe even friends – involved in discussing your options.”

TJ called, explained how Bucky was recovering from an episode, and could someone cover. She had TJ hold on the line so that she could text someone. TJ stayed on the line to find out that Lee had gotten Alec to cover Bucky’s shift. “Don’t you worry TJ, Tell Buck we have him covered. He’s ours and we take care of our own.”

“Ok, so you didn’t get to discuss anything after all,” TJ told Bucky, combing his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “Lee took charge; she got Alec to cover you. You’re “ours” she said and “we take care of our own.” So you – are going to rest today.”

Bucky was quiet so long, TJ wondered if he was sleeping. He craned his neck to look at Bucky’s face and saw tears. Torn between acknowledging them, and leaving them for Bucky to share or not, he opted to simply kiss the side/top of Bucky’s head and tell him “I love you Bucky.”

Bucky tightened his hold on TJ’s arm across his chest. He sniffed and tried to blink away the tears, sending them rolling down the sides of his face and over his ears. “I know. It’s just that I don’t know what to do with so much love.”

“I know.” TJ said softly. “It’s got to be pretty confusing. What you do, is just let us take care of you. You’ve been alone too long.”

TJ listened as the silence continued, and Bucky’s breathing pattern changed. He slowly settled back against the sofa back and pulled the blanket over Bucky and over his own legs. Eddie nudged against Bucky’s exposed side and curled up close, resting his head on Bucky’s thigh, cocooning and protecting him from all sides.

Knowing that one day he could very easily be the one in crisis, TJ thought about how he could make things easier on Bucky. He opened his phone to his notes app, recording contacts, and suggestions about how to deal with his despair, while trying to figure out ways to combat some of that stuff before it could be a problem for Bucky. As much as he knew that Bucky would be there for him, TJ wanted to be less of a liability for Bucky, and more of an asset. Once he’d compiled a list he thought could help, he sent it to Bucky’s phone.

After several hours, Bucky moved, shifting down the bed and laying his head on TJ’s stomach, not waking at all in the process. TJ’s hand tenderly stroked Bucky’s cheek before landing to play in Bucky’s hair. Eddie had grumbled at the movement before shifting to keep Bucky’s exposed side covered.

With Eddie’s noise and actions, TJ was reminded to look up training for Eddie to start working as a therapy animal at local hospitals, the VA specifically. Bucky moved once more, lying on his side, and still using TJ as a pillow. TJ was well into research on his phone by the time Bucky woke again.

Bucky looked down the line of TJ’s leg. He moved his hand from near his cheek to TJ’s hip. He felt TJ’s hand in his hair on the nape of his neck. He stayed quietly there and considered drifting back to sleep or scooting to sit next to TJ. Nature finally made his choice for him pushing the other two options aside. When Bucky returned, he climbed across TJ, kissing him before scooting up to him. He put his arms around TJ, and kissed him. “I’m sorry I’ve been such poor company.”

“You didn’t stay home to be company for me. You stayed home to recover from last night.” TJ said gently. “I like to be entertained, but I don’t have to be entertained 100% of the time.”

“I know, but it must have been tedious.”

“Not really. I’m ok with my thoughts when I have something to focus on. I’ve been taking notes on what Eddie needs for training to volunteer. It seems like he’s going to need practical experience mostly.”

“He’s pretty well trained, I think you’re right.” Bucky scratched Eddie’s ears.

“He covered you where you were left exposed; even he knew you weren’t doing well.” TJ said, in case Bucky hadn’t had a chance to notice.

“Good boy Eddie.” Bucky’s tone went soft. “How are you TJ?”

“I’m a little emotional and kind of tired. I’m hungry but don’t want to move.” TJ knew if he weren’t honest, Bucky would call him on it.

“I can get something together. After that breakfast, is salad ok?”

“Trying to keep me healthy?” TJ asked lightly.

“Yup, you and me both. If I want a decent night’s sleep, no more junk today. I can’t let you guys protect me from working again tomorrow.”

“You can if you need it.” TJ said quietly.

“I know.” Bucky said, as quietly, brushing his lips over TJ’s ear. “I know. Thank you TJ.”

“You’re welcome love.” TJ gripped Bucky’s forearm. “You’re always welcome.”

“Salad?” Bucky asked, to change the subject.

“Yeah, salad. I can help.”

“Nope, you stay here; you’ve more than earned it.” Bucky insisted. “ _Tomorrow_ we’re going to have a normal day.”

TJ laughed as Bucky eased from the bed and crossed to the kitchen.

“What?”

“Normal.” TJ cringed, “You said normal, like that’s something that _either of us_ knows much about.”

“We had some days that were normal _for us_. Before the trip. We can do that again, we’re just adjusting the where of it all.”

“Ok, so _our kind of normal_.” TJ clarified. “I hope so Bucky.”

“You have to trust me. I can’t be right all of the time, obviously, but I can be a day late.” Bucky smiled over his shoulder as he washed the lettuce for the salad.

TJ watched him, he looked more confident now than he had earlier, he was definitely livelier. “Ok, you’re right. I need to let pessimistic thoughts go. You feel better?”

“I do, much.” Bucky turned to face TJ. “How? I mean, am I more convincing now than earlier?”

“You’re more ‘you’ than earlier.”

“If I apologize again you’re going to get exasperated aren’t you?”

“Maybe I might, a little, but only because I don’t know why you feel the need. I love you. Of course I'm gonna take care of you.”

“Same reason you would if the situation was reversed.” Bucky stated, before starting to chop vegetables.

“Ok. You have a point.” TJ shifted to watch more comfortably, “Are you sure you don’t want my help?”

“I’m pretty sure. You didn’t get to do anything you normally would today. Are you sure that’s ok?”

“Yeah, I sent a couple of texts and brief emails for work. I’m going to offer MJ the DJ spot. You were right, Cy was right, she’s qualified. She’ll be subject to the probationary period. I sent an email to the other management to have them review and they sent back a ‘good to go’ email. I’ll call her in the morning.”

“Call her now, you’re not disturbing anything to do that, and it’s one less day for her to worry about whether or not she has an income.”

“Yes sir.” TJ smiled. He made the phone call, offering the girl the position and felt good when she excitedly accepted it.

“See? Wasn’t that nice?” Bucky asked, seeing TJ’s smile.

“Fuck you.” TJ said with a bit of a blush.

““Yes, Bucky, you truly do give good advice.” Said no one ever.” Bucky said sarcastically. “When will _anyone_ appreciate my advice?”

“When you’re not such a dick about it.” TJ teased.

“I’m a paragon of virtue and good advice.” Bucky popped a piece of tomato into his mouth.

“You say.” TJ returned.

“I do. Because I know.” Bucky laughed. “Thank you.”

“I gave you nothing.” TJ frowned.

“You did. You made me smile.”

TJ scrambled from the bed, he stepped up behind Bucky and hugged him, kissing him along the neck, “I aim to please. Let me get the dishes.”

“I told you to stay put.”

“You don’t want hugs and help?”

“Ok fine, but you listen like shit.”

“You’re smiling, you can pretend to be pissy, but I know you’re smiling.” TJ kissed Bucky’s neck again.

“What happened to the dishes?” Bucky asked, still smiling.

“Coming up.” TJ sounded like a petulant teen as he pushed away from Bucky to pull down plates for their salad. “First it’s ‘no TJ, have a seat’, then it’s ‘why aren’t you working TJ?’”

Bucky laughed. “You’re the one who got up, jackass.”

TJ pushed Bucky’s shoulder. “You never call me that.”

“I thought it was good to save it for an appropriate moment.” Bucky looked over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows as if asking for confirmation that this was a good moment.

“OK, fine. You’re probably right.” TJ’s arms snaked around Bucky’s waist again, just as Bucky was finishing with the last of the vegetables. Bucky turned and put his arms around TJ, and held him.

“I don’t mean any of it.” Bucky promised. “I’m just glad to have you. Here, build your salad, please pick a few veggies, I don’t want them to go bad, and you need the good vitamins too.”

TJ kissed Bucky quickly, “I’ll have some of all of it. I won’t have you work that hard and let it sit.”

“You’re such a sap.” Bucky teased, filling his bowl with salad ingredients, and topping it off with homemade vinaigrette.

TJ added his vegetables in a different order, just piling things in, and mixed it up. Before adding the dressing he asked, “What’s this?” holding the bottle a little lopsided and peering in.

“Homemade. It’s just a vinaigrette I quickly threw together. Honestly, it’ll be better tomorrow, but it’s probably pretty good still.

TJ put a little on a section of salad and tried it before adding more. “Damn, I shouldn’t second guess you.”

Bucky cocked his head with a smile, “I think I’ve been telling you this the whole time I’ve been making dinner.”

“Is that what this is? I thought we were doing dinner together, and I never picked up a movie.”

“Rent something from one of your online services, we don’t have to leave, except to get the pup out for a little bit. As for dinner? We will cook together tomorrow and many nights after.”

TJ followed Bucky back to the bed, “Tomorrow, we’ll also put this back in order.”

“Yes.” Bucky agreed. “First thing.”

They ate while TJ looked through movie titles, trying to find something not too emotional, not too outlandish. “Hey, what do you think about an animated movie? It’s not new, but it’s cute.”

“Cute?” Bucky smiled before taking a bite, “I guess I could handle cute.” he added after finishing his bite.

 “Good, I’m glad you are open to the thought. I couldn’t see much that wasn’t too overstimulating.”

“You’re good at feeling that stuff out. I’m lucky you’re so empathetic, but you might not be.”

“I’m fine with it; do you think that’s what it is? Empathy?”

“I do. You know? I worry that you’re going to think I was emotionally manipulating you, since you got upset and then I’m the one who had a break.”

“I know you weren’t. We opened a wound, that’s all it is. You’re so aware. I fucking do the emotional manipulation thing and don’t think twice about it, here you are making sure it’s not something I’ve suspected. I’m definitely the jackass.”

Bucky put his hand on TJ’s waist, giving it a little squeeze. “You’re not.”

“I appreciate the attempt, but in the grand scheme of things, yeah, I have been.”

“You're generalizing.” Bucky observed.

“I guess I am. It just seems like I do it with everyone.”

“Your defense system. We’re working on that.” Bucky tickled TJ’s side. “I think it’ll take longer than a week and a half.”

“Ok, I suppose patience is something else I’m supposed to be working on?”

“Yes dear.” Bucky smiled affectionately.

“You’re in fine form tonight.”

“Did we finish all the cookies?” Bucky asked, taking a final bite from his salad.

“So much for ‘no more junk food’. You had three and I had two, no, there’s plenty more left.” TJ took Bucky’s bowl, “Come coach me on this popcorn thing. I’ll try not to ruin it.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” Bucky chastised, following TJ to the kitchen.

“I haven’t done it before, it’s just a qualifier.” TJ answered, feigning innocence.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Bucky laughed.

“Is that supposed to be funny? Really?” TJ washed the dishes while Bucky pulled out the cookies and milk.

“Well, it’s supposed to be, and if you had a sense of humor, you’d think so.”

TJ shoved at Bucky’s shoulder lightly, causing him to splash milk over the edge of the glass.

“Little shit.” Bucky chuckled. “You’re gonna clean that up, right?”

“Yup, I guess I owe you one.” TJ wiped the whole countertop, sidling up to Bucky to reach around him.

“You’re in a playful mood. I’m glad.”

“I’m glad you’re ok with it.” TJ admitted.

“You were right. I needed to stay home. I needed the sleep.”

“Wait… back up two. Did you say I was right?”

“Hilarious, TJ. Yes. I said you’re right.”

“Alert the media. I’ve never been right in my life.” TJ joked.

“That’s not true, you’ve been correct about many things just since I’ve known you alone, and I’m sure many more.” Bucky said, “So far so good on the popcorn too, kettle, oil, corn, heat.”

“You’re patronizing me now.”

“I’m not. I’m observing, because I almost forgot it.” Bucky shrugged. “Your gathering things reminded me. That should be enough oil, how much popcorn do you think we’ll need? I’d only do about a half-cup in that pan. If that’s not enough for the two of us, I’ll make the next batch.” Bucky watched as TJ followed his instructions and TJ’s own memory from watching Bucky make it in the past. TJ melted the butter and searched for seasonings before looking to see if Bucky was going to be forthcoming with any more instructions. When he just got a smile, he figured he must be doing it right. He pulled out some spices that even he didn’t have in his kitchen. Holding a hand-labeled bottle, he turned the label to Bucky, “Homemade curry?”

“Yeah, sue me.” Bucky shrugged.

TJ chuckled.

“If you’re going to use that, can I suggest this coconut oil added to the butter?”

“You can suggest anything. It sounds good. I think maybe half the butter though.” TJ returned. “Don’t want to drown the coconut flavor.”

Bucky pulled out a small bowl for TJ to put some of the butter into, “We’ll use that on tomorrow’s eggs.”

“Look at you.” TJ grinned.

“Holdover from the Depression.”

“I know. You know I like that, right? Your sense of conservation.”

“I guess I didn’t know that. Ok, watch the corn, if you keep the heat where it is, you should be able to get by with very little agitation. Too much time off the heat you will end up with even more old-maids.”

“You’re such a grandpa.”

“You’re just envious of my vast knowledge.” Bucky winked, with a small smile.

“I am trying to absorb your vast knowledge. I can’t help it that you said ‘old-maids’.”

“That’s a thing. Look it up on ‘the google’ with your interwebs.” Bucky teased.

“Gramps.”

“Whippersnapper.”

“You win.” TJ conceded. He pulled the kettle off the heat and lifted the lid, impressed with himself and the volume of popped kernels, he poured the butter-coconut oil mixture over the kettle and then added spices before capping the pan and shaking it all together again, holding the lid firmly on the pan.

“I don’t, by any means profess to be a master at popcorn, but this works for me and it’s impressed you, so there you have it. A little better than microwave, don’t you think?” he asked, as TJ sampled his creation.

“MMMmm-more than just a little.” TJ agreed, groaning with pleasure.

“Are you a convert?” Bucky asked smugly.

“I’m afraid I am.” TJ admitted. “Thanks for showing me the errors of my ways.”

“You’re never serious.” Bucky answered.

“I am this time. I might be joking, but I mean it too. I think this is far superior.” TJ transferred the popped corn to the bowl, cleaning out the pan with a rubber spatula the way he’d seen Bucky do, getting every bit of flavor that had coated the sides and bottom. He stirred it together one more time. “If you can grab the milk and cookies, I’ve got the popcorn, we can go watch cartoons.”

“Absolutely.” Bucky agreed.

They snuggled together, tossing random kernels of corn at Eddie while watching _Lilo and Stitch_. Bucky identified sharply with the little blue alien. He couldn’t help but feel a connection to Lilo, comparing her to TJ in her outstanding differences from her peers, her acceptance, and staunch defense of some misunderstood outcast; “Be careful of the little angel” could have been written by TJ.

Bucky added this movie to his list of favorites even before Stitch proclaimed his family “Little, and broken, but still good”. At that point, TJ was reaching for Kleenexes for both of them.

“Did you hate it?” TJ asked as it ended.

“No, I loved it. Add Hawaii to the list. The movie’s a favorite. It’s us.”

“It is, kind of, huh?” TJ had thought that maybe he’d imagined a parallel, having Bucky confirm it was reassuring.

“With one exception, _you’re_ the one who is oversensitive to caffeine.”

“I am _not_.”

“I call bullshit.” Bucky hugged TJ tighter, “I’ll remind you next time, you can see if I’m right or wrong.”

“Rude.” TJ rested his head on Bucky’s shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you. You’re my Ohana TJ.”

TJ rubbed his cheek on Bucky’s arm, “You really know how to hit a guy where he lives.”

“If you tell anyone, I’ll deny it. I’m no sap.”

“Your secret’s safe with me. Who knows, you might need to appear gruff and unapproachable at some point in the future, we have to keep your public persona vague.”

“Clandestine,” Bucky agreed, linking fingers with TJ. “I knew you’d understand.”

“You’re such a jerk.” TJ said lovingly.

“I’m your jerk.” Bucky promised. “Do you have any other movie or television suggestions?”

“Nope, not tonight. Instead, how about some music for you to be able to get some sleep, since you are getting up early to treat the dogs before heading to work.”

“You might have a point.”

“I do have a point. As much as it might seem like I want to keep you home all the time, I know you enjoy work, you need the job and the money. The dogs need you. Speaking of dogs, Eddie didn’t get a walk today; I should at least take him out. Poor, patient guy.”

“We can both do it. I can use the air, and stretching my legs would be good.”

“You’re right, we’d like having you along too.” TJ admitted.

They walked around the complex, watching kids play as the sky started to darken. “Can we pet your dog?” rang out as they approached. Eddie stood around waiting while they said ‘hi’ to him. TJ noticed Bucky seemed to be easy with the kids, not anywhere as on guard as he’d been even at the market near the shore. Just letting the kids be themselves, observing them cooing over the dog.

Heading back toward the apartment, Bucky put his arm across TJ’s back and pulled him close, “You’ve been quiet.”

“I was watching you with the kids. You’re different with them.”

“I can’t pull shit on kids, they’re too sharp. I’ll just be a nice, polite guy, don’t get in their faces and nothing should go wrong. There’s no faking with kids, they see things no one else does, but they trust quicker too. I’m not a threat to them so I don’t have to pretend not to be.”

“You’re honest with them, like you are with me. You’ve been that way with me since that first morning. Not from the beginning, but damned near.” TJ opened the door and let Bucky and Eddie go in ahead of him.

“I didn’t _want_ to pull shit on you. I _wanted_ a friend. I got so much more, I can tell you that already.” Bucky answered, unleashing Eddie, and putting the leash and treats away. He fed Eddie while TJ changed and brushed his teeth. “You don’t have to go to bed when I do, you know.”

“If you want me to leave you alone, just say so. Otherwise, I’m ready for some sleep too. Today was a long day.”

“I have no reason to need to be alone. I just wanted you to know. I’d prefer to be near you anyway.” Bucky admitted.

TJ crawled across the bed, kissing Bucky. “I like hearing that. I like that a lot.”

Bucky pulled TJ into his arms, “I have to go do what you just did. Remember where we were so we can pick up where we left off.”

“I will remember this.” TJ said, “Which of us is the bigger sap again?”

“Um – you be quiet.” Bucky said from the bathroom doorway.

“Tell me if you’re feeling off before you get under a spray of ice water.”

“Shut it.” Bucky chuckled. “You irreverent little shit.”

“I love you Bucky.” TJ called after him. He’d found the litmus test for Bucky’s moods. It was irreverent humor at his expense. If it was well received, there was no worry, if there was silence, or a look, it was cause for continued caution and tenderness.

“Yeah.” Bucky said as he came out from the bathroom. “I know how you _love_ me.”

“I do. What music would you like tonight?”

“You choose, mellow, instrumental maybe?”

“I gotcha covered.” TJ answered. He flipped through to the genres option on his music app. The sounds of classic guitar and piano filled the darkened room as TJ settled back against Bucky. “Good? Tell me when you want to switch for a massage.”

“Just stay here, I just want this TJ.”

TJ couldn’t deny such an earnest request, “I’m pushy sometimes, huh?”

“You’re just looking out for me.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple. “I appreciate it always, but right now, this is what I think _we need_.”

“You’re probably right.” TJ nestled against Bucky, “I feel so selfish this way though.”

“You shouldn’t feel selfish. Just being with you can be soothing, it _can_ work in reverse.”

“Keep reminding me. I’ll catch on.” TJ said with a soft, embarrassed laugh.


	31. Chapter 31

Bucky woke TJ gently in the morning. He’d taken a hot shower, walked and fed Eddie and cooked breakfast, not being overly conscientious of the noises he was making but TJ slumbered through it all. “Hey sleeping beauty.” Bucky tousled TJ’s curls, “Morning’s come. Were you going to come with me today?”

“Hmm?” TJ mumbled, “It can’t be morning.”

“It is. It’s getting close to time for me to leave. Breakfast will be ready by the time you’re done if you take a fast shower.” Bucky’s fingers stilled on TJ’s jaw. “If you’re going, if not, take your time. You deserve it.”

“I’m going. We both played hooky yesterday. Back to routine.” TJ stretched and sat up, swinging his legs over the bed.

Bucky sat next to him, “You _can_ just take a lazy day too TJ.”

“I know, but I want to go to the shelter. I thought I’d come back for Eddie, put the bed away, and then go to my place to rehearse and get a little work done. Then I can come by the bar for a burger when you go to lunch.”

“Sounds like the exact opposite of lazy, but if it’s what you need… you won’t hear any arguments.”

“Should I bring anything with me? I mean, is there anything special you’re missing that we don’t have here?”

“The piano and a wall between where we sleep and where we cook.”

“Ok. I can’t help you with either. You really miss my place don’t you?”

“I really do. I told you, I’d rather be there, I’d rather you be safe though so I put up with this.”

“Me? I’m perfectly safe, it’s your safety we’re keeping.” TJ ran his hand along Bucky’s thigh. “You know, by not being seen in my all-too-often paparazzi-frequented neighborhood.”

“Yeah, but what happens is they speculate, more people come around, more people means _other people_ will be less likely to be noticed, and either you’re hurt to get back at me, or you’re taken to get me back.”

“Ok, so low profile it is. I don’t want to be a pawn in their attempts, I don’t want to be what hurts you.”

“You don’t want them to get their hands on you. Period.”

TJ managed not shuddering at the tone and look that crossed Bucky’s face when he said it. But only just. “Ok. Again, I agree. Breakfast. I’ll shower later.”

Bucky plated the food while TJ brushed his teeth and finished up in the bathroom, Bucky made a mental note that he needed to work on the oven when he got home. It would make cooking and keeping food warm that much easier.

TJ came to the kitchen, whistling. “Hey, you’re trying to get me to eat vegetables again?” he teased.

“I’m trying to keep vegetables in both our diets, smartass.” Bucky smirked, kissing TJ when he stopped in front of him expectantly.

“I know, and it’s an admirable goal. If it tastes as good as it looks and smells, you won’t hear any complaints from me.”

“I wish I had room for a table and chairs.” Bucky muttered, leaning against the counter to eat.

TJ took a bite of the savory dish, he considered the possibility of one of those drop-leaf, bistro sized tables, it might _just_ fit under the window. “Mmm. Bucky. This is fantastic!”

“I’m glad you like it.” Bucky smiled with pride.

“You know so many breakfast dishes.”

“They work well for dinner too, and eggs are cheaper than meat. Most of the stuff I fix, started out as an experiment, or is my take on something I saw photographed in a magazine or someplace like that.”

“You’ve got a knack for combining flavors. Damn that’s good.” TJ said with his mouth full.

“Tell me you remember some of the meals we’ve fixed. You agree they’re only a little more trouble than a bowl of cereal, right?”

“I promise, cereal is an exception, not a rule. Please don’t worry about leaving me. I don’t want to think about that.”

“I was thinking about one morning when you are too lazy to get out of bed and I have to leave for work without you. Not everything I do is priming you for the other thing. Sometimes I just want to know you’re going to do nice things for yourself while I’m at work. In addition to breakfast and dinner, this stuff can make good lunches too.”

“Ok, I’m sorry.” TJ set his plate down and took Bucky’s doing the same with it. He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist. “I'm really, very sorry.”

Bucky put his hands on TJ’s shoulders, watching as TJ warily waited for him to push him away. He didn’t, instead, he ran his hands up TJ’s neck, holding him tenderly before pulling him into a kiss. “I know baby.” He said gruffly, “Just one day, twenty-four hours without one of us saying or doing something to darken the mood.”

“I’m sorry Bucky.” TJ said with a sad smile, “I really need to stop bringing you down, you had a tough day yesterday, fuck I’m an asshole.”

“TJ. That wasn’t blame; it was a plea to the universe. We _both_ deserve a fucking break.”

TJ kissed Bucky, a desperate act to pull himself out of the mood. Bucky’s fingers trailed down over TJ’s neck and chest, landing on his waistband. TJ pressed into Bucky’s touch, inviting him to dip his fingers beneath the waistband of his jeans.

Bucky’s teeth grazed TJ’s lip, alternating kissing, and nipping; thrusting his tongue between TJ’s plump, warm lips. TJ backed Bucky against the kitchen wall where it met the cabinet. Bucky turned when the countertop pressed into his back and let TJ grind against him, the friction of denim increasing his own arousal.

“TJ.” Bucky panted against TJ’s mouth. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.” TJ groaned, rocking his hips against Bucky’s “I got time for that.”

“But we don’t.” Bucky shuddered, pressing his hand against TJ’s chest.

“Dammit.” TJ rolled his neck and sucked in a bracing breath. “Fuck.”

“I know.” Bucky said with a reluctant smile.

“I _hate_ being an adult.”

“You don’t.” Bucky laughed, touching TJ’s jaw, “Later.”

“You’d better god-damned believe later.” TJ pouted. “Come on. Let’s go give back to society.”

Bucky chuckled, following TJ out the door.

Once in the car, Bucky asked TJ, “Do me a favor? Could you take care of those dishes we abandoned?”

TJ looked over at Bucky in the passenger seat, “Yeah. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“You damned well should have. If I’d have gotten you up sooner we could have… will you survive?”

TJ laughed, “Yeah. I’ll be just fine. Blue balls are my specialty.”

“Fuck you.” Bucky laughed. “I know that’s a dig at me and my refusal-turned-reluctance.”

“You made up for it baby.” TJ leered.

“I love you TJ. So much that instead of fixing the oven tonight like I had planned, we can pick up where we left off.”

“Mmm. You mean you’ll let me fuck you into the wall?”

“Jesus! Fuck, I’m glad you're driving.” Bucky exclaimed, TJ’s words shooting straight to his cock. “Damn.”

TJ smirked as Bucky struggled against denim and the seatbelt to adjust his arousal. “I look forward to tonight.”

“You would. Just shut up and drive.” Bucky shook his head.

…

TJ thought a lot about the morning. He thought about waking to Bucky’s soft touch, the smell of breakfast cooking, and then there was the almost-morning sex. The latter was foremost on his mind as he washed and put the dishes away. It was something a few strokes could take care of, or he could stop fucking thinking about it.

When that didn’t happen at his command, TJ tried thinking about the morning with the dogs. It was uneventful, quiet even, because they were both in the same predicament. Still, the small furry creatures seemed to liven up when they got attention, so that was soothing. A little.

“Dammit TJ.” He chuckled, shaking his head. He cleaned up the apartment, folding up the bed and sweeping the linoleum floor. He decided to get a couple of rugs, and to look into the bistro table idea. He knew he’d get a look, maybe even an “I wish you’d stop” but he also knew Bucky’s cold toes would thank him for a rug, and the wistful longing for something as simple as a table would buy TJ some leniency.

TJ took Eddie home, logged onto his work interface and answered some emails, sent some more, and called the band manager for the show booked at the end of the month. Considering that a job-well-done, he took off for the early afternoon to shop for the gifts he wanted to add to Bucky’s home.

TJ’s stomach reminded him he wanted a burger at the bar, and his groin reminded him that going to the bar was a tricky idea at best. “Fuck, you’re not going to fuck him in the storeroom.” TJ muttered to himself over the sounds coming from the car stereo.

He thought about hitting a drive-through but Matt’s burger put anything like that to shame, so he called Bucky.

“Hi TJ.” Bucky sounded cheerful, that was nice.

“Fuck you for sounding so delightful.”

“I love you too. Lunchtime?”

“Yeah, asshole.”

“You’re grumpy, I’ll have Matt make you something extra special. Burger, half-rings/half-fries, right?”

“Dammit, can’t I even be mad at you a little?”

“No.” Bucky said with a chuckle, “be mad at the timing. Neither you nor I were to blame for what happened this morning.”

“I bought you a couple of presents.” TJ grumbled.

“Lube and a sex toy?” Bucky said in a hushed voice, TJ pictured him walking to the far corner of the bar and ducking down as if to find something in order to say it.

The fact that he did say it made TJ laugh and caused that much extra trouble for him physically. “You’re an idiot.” TJ groaned.

He liked the husky laugh that came over the phone, and he hated that he could see the lines of Bucky’s body and throat and jaw as if he were right there.

“No, jerk. Something _practical_ and unrelated to getting your dick wet.” Although the rug was nice enough, and large enough…fucking stop it TJ.

“You act so dirty and entitled when you’re frustrated.” Bucky had the audacity to say.

TJ flipped off the phone and laughed, “I do, I can’t even apologize, because I guarantee it’ll happen again. I’m about fifteen minutes away.”

“I love you TJ.” Bucky said in a patronizing tone.

“Yeah, you love my ass.”

“I loved you before I saw your ass.” Bucky reminded him.

“Ok. Maybe that’s true.” TJ huffed. “I love you too. I’ll see you in a few.”

Bucky looked at his phone, he knew how TJ felt, he’d been unable to get the morning close call out of his mind, his body rebelled, refusing to let him have a minute of down time to be free of the reminder. They’d had sex all of two times at the beach house, maybe that was why he was so eager now, maybe. It couldn’t be because they’d had too much.

It was always over quickly, and Bucky took responsibility for that. He was self-conscious, even though TJ promised him that it was fantastic, he knew he was being encouraged more than praised. He knew it was going to take practice. All he wanted was time to learn what really did it for TJ and honestly, what really did it for him. He was shocked the effect TJ’s comment in the car had on him. He wouldn’t mind the rough promise, TJ had been all caution and patience, and that was good for the first time, possibly required for the second, but maybe all of TJ’s focus on Bucky’s sensitivity to stimulation and not wanting to pose any sort of threat was working against them having a truly good time.

He shook the thoughts away, bursting into the kitchen. “Hey Matt, TJ’s usual please. I think I’ll have one of my own too. I’m just too hungry if I only eat half. If you could box TJ’s other half, I think he’d appreciate it.”

“Sure thing. You ok Buck? You seem inordinately distracted today.”

“Yeah, I’m distracted.” Bucky half-laughed at the understatement.

“Holdover from yesterday? Sounds like you had a pretty bad day yesterday.”

“It was the night before that really hit me, but I wasn’t coming out of it like I should. No, it’s not related to that. You don’t want to hear about my sex life.” Bucky chuckled, swiping a pickle from the counter.

“Good or bad?”

“Iffy. I’m new to this Matt. I loved a boy once as a young, young kid, but we never did anything. I’m not sure I’m doing this right.” Bucky chuckled again, at his own embarrassment.

“Nothing right or wrong. You feel good, he feels good, it’s right.” Matt shrugged. “You have to communicate. All sex is, is another thing to communicate about. You don’t like something, TJ needs to know and not be offended, he doesn’t like something, same goes for you. You don’t get to be offended if something was wrong, you just find out what he likes instead.”

“I think he’s being too careful. Worrying about my fragile psyche or something. Granted, I gave him good reason, melting down on him on multiple occasions.”

“Stop overthinking it. You know the science of it, so that’s out of the way. You were nervous for whatever reason, now you know what to expect. Tell the boy you’re not so fragile, remember, physically he ain’t either. I’m not one for gossip columns and shit like that, but the boy’s been around. His emotional state, however,” Matt shook his head, “you want to be kind, you want to touch base with him, _tell him_ when you’re ok and when you’re not. _Ask him_ if he’s ok any time you’re curious and sometimes when you’re not.”

“But for christ’s sake don’t coddle him.” Bucky finished.

“Yeah, if he’s not one for that, then definitely don’t.”

“You’re not squeamish talking about this Matt, why?”

“Hell, it’s the human body. I don’t much care. I like women, doesn’t mean I don’t think any and every other consideration isn’t valid. I’ve been around, I’ve given this pep talk before, ok not _this one_ , but why should I be squeamish?”

“You shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I’m constantly surprised.”

“I’m definitely more an exception, than a rule, even though the world would be a nicer place if people could just be humans around each other instead of judgmental pricks. I’m what you call an enigma Buck. I look and sound like a righteous redneck, but I’m a damned sight more enlightened than I look. Carol says so all the time… but that’s just because so many people still embrace the dark ages.”

“Ain’t that the truth? It’s better than when I was growing up, but again, in some ways it’s worse.”

“I hear ya. Burgers should be ready by the time your boy shows up. Tell me you want me to cover the bar for an hour.”

“Half-hour should be good.”

“An hour would let you run home for a quickie.”

“Jesus Matt.” Bucky rolled through the swinging door into the main area of the bar.

“Let me know!” he heard coming from the kitchen.

Bucky was still chuckling at Matt when TJ came in and sat at the bar, “strongest thing you’ve got, and make it a double.” TJ said.

Bucky leaned across the bar, gripping TJ’s shirt, and kissed him roughly.

“Best I got kid.” He said, pushing TJ back onto the barstool.

“You’re such an asshole.” TJ said, his cheeks warm and red. “Fuck.”

“I keep hearing that. You hungry? For food.” Bucky specified forcefully when TJ started to formulate an answer.

“Oh, well that too, yeah.” TJ pouted.

“Matt offered me an hour.” Bucky blurted out, “I think we’re going to want longer.”

“Well,” TJ considered, “Yeah. Longer would be better. You sure you want to pick up where we left off?”

“I am.” Bucky squeezed TJ’s hand. “I think we should approach it differently than we have previously. You don’t have to be so cautious.”

“You sure?”

“I am. I know it’s been awkward. I know you’ve been making allowances for me, but I want to know more about what you want.”

TJ was struck in the heart and the groin at the implication. “I want you to enjoy it.”

“I’m sure I will, if we stop worrying about what I might or might not enjoy.” Bucky looked at TJ, “I am part of a duo TJ. You’re the other half. You count. Your wants and needs, your desires, they count.”

“I can’t believe we’re talking about this. Did you talk to Matt about this?” TJ’s eyes widened as he saw Matt step out of the kitchen bearing two plates.

“I might have said a thing that led to other things. I’ll explain. Let’s go eat.” Bucky said, walking out from behind the bar and hooking an arm through TJ’s. They followed Matt to the table in the corner. “Thanks Matty. If you could cover for a half-hour, that would be great.”

“Ok, you got it Buck.” Matt said without expression.

“You talked to him about us?”

“He asked what had me distracted.” Bucky shrugged. “I told him he didn’t want to talk about my sex life and I just blurted the rest. I just want to do it right TJ. I feel like I’m letting sex get in the way of enjoying it. He says we need to communicate more, and I agree. I need to know more from you.”

“So today’s the day we talk about and think about sex all day.” TJ said, stuffing a fry in his mouth. “I’ll tell you what I want. I want exactly what was going to happen before we got all responsible. I don’t want it planned though.”

“I don’t think either of us will be thinking of any plans by the time we’re able to do something about this.” Bucky said pointedly. “So, what did you get me?”

“Changing the subject might work.” TJ laughed. “probably not, but maybe.”

Bucky watched as TJ pulled out his phone.

“This is what I got.” TJ said, showing Bucky the small, double drop-leaf table, and two chairs. “It’s small, I measured the window and this should just fit there, folded down it won’t take up much room, and we can eat at a table like you’d prefer.”

“TJ, that… you always pay attention to me, I might want to watch myself around you. I might inadvertently wish for something extravagant and you’ll go and find it. I really do like it.”

“Yeah? I don’t want to take over your place, but you seemed so wistful.”

“I was. I want nice things, jesus, listen to me, calling a basic table ‘nice things’. Thank you TJ. It’ll be the only new thing in the place.”

“Well, that and the rug...”

“Rug?”

“You deserve nice things, and warm toes.” TJ shrugged. “and I want warm toes too. Not to mention, I imagined things.”

“TJ.” Bucky shook his head, smiling.

“I’m sorry, no I’m not. I’m not sorry. I’ve been thinking about it all day, how can I not imagine things.”

“Eat your lunch.” Bucky shook his head with a smile. “Thank you for spoiling me, again.”

“You’re welcome. I want your feet warm, and I want you to eat breakfast comfortably. I want you to have nice things, but I don’t want to overwhelm you either. I’m not trying to take over your home.”

“TJ you said that already. If I brought something new into your apartment, would you think I was trying to take over? Honestly, if I thought that, I’d say something. I want you to be comfortable, and feel at home too. If you want a soft rug for your feet, for our feet, and for Eddie to lie on, then I’m glad. I’m grateful. I’m excited to have something brand new to be honest.”

TJ felt warm, giving Bucky things – he could do it every day if it wouldn’t make Bucky terribly uncomfortable. Having something new was so common for TJ. That it was exciting for Bucky both made him feel good about his gift and sad that it had to be so uncommon for Bucky.

“You didn’t think anything in that apartment was new, did you?” Bucky asked.

“I didn’t think about it. It all seemed to “fit”.”

“The wardrobe and sofa were there when I moved in. I got lucky it was a pullout. I scrounged up the tables to hold a lamp and all three of those were from a yard sale. The dishes are from goodwill, so are the kitchen towels. I think the bathroom towels were stolen from a hotel, I didn’t take them, a neighbor gave them to me when they were moving. My clothes are mostly goodwill, except for a few ‘pity shopping’ moments by Lee. You heard enough?”

“I have. I know you need another pity shopping moment, because you keep stealing my sweaters. I doubled your towel stash, and now you’re the proud owner of a small table, two chairs, and two brand new rugs.”

“ _Two_ rugs?”

“I got a smaller one for the kitchen. Sue me, they were together in the store.”

“Eddie will claim them both.” Bucky laughed. “I wasn’t complaining, honest. I just thought you said ‘a rug’ so the ‘two rugs’ was a surprise. I can’t wait to see everything in place.”

“Guess who thinks they can assemble the table? Me. I might be able to manage it.” TJ teased.

“I know you can TJ. I have some tools on top of the wardrobe in a small case. Leave them on the counter. I’m planning to fix the oven soon, I was going to do it tonight, but it seems we’ve had a distraction come up.”

“Yes.” TJ smiled, “We have.”

Bucky trapped his lower lip between his teeth, looking at TJ with a heated gaze. He had to take a bracing breath, before suggesting they try to squeeze that extra half hour in, “I gotta get back to work.”

TJ let out a long breath, “Yeah, I’ll take the stuff to the apartment, get it situated, and then go get Eddie before coming to get you.”

Bucky stood from his seat, put his hand on TJ’s shoulder, and leaned over to kiss TJ. “Our timing is terrible.”

“Shitty.” TJ agreed.

“Matt has boxed up the other half of your lunch, don’t forget it.”

TJ put his hand on Bucky’s, “I love you.”

Bucky stroked TJ’s jaw, “I love you too.”

TJ watched Bucky walk away, toward the bar. Jesus the man was slim, sexy and that damned strut, highlighted by those tight jeans. TJ took another deep breath and adjusted things before standing to follow Bucky to the bar for his leftovers.

“Here you go TJ.” Matt said, friendly as ever, “Boxed up the hot and cold separately, no wilted veggies, no soggy bun. Should make a pretty good dinner or late-night snack.”

“Matt, you’re an angel.” TJ smiled. “I hear The Dome can use a little heavenly help.”

“TJ.” Bucky said in a warning tone. His eyes alight with laughter, sparkling with desire.

“What, free country. I ain’t stealin’ nothin’ if it’s being voluntarily given.”

“Thanks for the confidence TJ. I think Buck here would cry. I know he’d miss my beautiful mug.”

“You?” Bucky asked, incredulous, “There’s a reason we keep you in the back. Get back there.”

“Yessss Masssterrrr.” Matt said, walking hunched over through the kitchen door. “Back to my dungeon I go.”

“You two are nuts.” TJ laughed. “I’ll see you later baby.”

“Later.” Bucky promised.

**…**

TJ took the next couple of hours to regroup, place the rugs in Bucky’s apartment, and assemble the table and chairs, before he finally picked up Eddie, after the briefest consideration of leaving him for a few hours. Convinced they’d never get away, he left with just enough time to get Eddie before he had to be at the bar to pick Bucky up.

Bucky hurried to leave, as Lee was coming in, he was rushing to get his till cleared out. “Hey there, you look with a man with a purpose today.” Lee said as she put her hand on his arm.

“I am, have plans with TJ.” Bucky said, no use evading things entirely, Lee would probably hear about the conversation from Matt, even if she didn’t, she liked hearing he was enjoying time with TJ.

“Good. I won’t keep ya. If you trust me, I’ll take that to the safe for you.”

“You know I trust you, and you know it’s against the rules.”

“I’m a firm believer in bending rules.” Lee smiled. “Go, I saw your boy out in the parking lot.”

“Ok, fine.” Bucky handed her his cash bag. “I can’t believe the things you can convince me to do.”

“Have fun. You deserve it.” Bucky heard Lee call after him as he rushed out the back door.

He slid into the passenger seat and kissed TJ roughly, “I hope you haven’t changed your mind.” He nearly growled against TJ’s mouth.

TJ gripped Bucky’s neck, his fingers tangling in the hair at the nape of Bucky’s neck where the bun was falling loose. “no, I haven’t changed my mind, but we need to get home.” His words were responsible and resistant, but his voice cracked and he kissed Bucky with the same urgency.

Bucky forced himself away, sitting heavily against the seat, and buckled the seatbelt, adjusting the lap belt.

TJ smiled at the thought that Bucky had been as put out by their predicament as he had. He put the car in gear and drove as attentively and responsibly as he could, even if his hand did land on Bucky’s upper thigh and keep climbing.

Bucky chanced a glance at TJ once, lust radiating from his expression. He didn’t respond immediately to TJ’s beautiful, warm hand as it made its way closer to his throbbing arousal. Eventually he couldn’t resist shifting, encouraging TJ to place his hand firmly on his bulge.

TJ palmed Bucky, tempted to try to manipulate the zipper of his tight jeans, but wary enough that he resisted, keeping his eyes on the road. The throaty moans that Bucky let loose, as well as the minor hip thrusts into his hand were more than enough distraction.

Once the car was parked at the apartment, TJ considered sucking Bucky off right there; one glance at Bucky’s flush, eager face had him crossing the center section of the car. Bucky freed his cock and laced his fingers through TJ’s hair, and his moans filled the car as TJ teased and sucked him to release. “Oh god TJ.” Bucky threw his head back, “Fuck you’re beautiful, your fucking mouth, jesus I love it, fuck.” Bucky’s praises dissolved into incoherent strings of curses and expressions of beauty.

TJ grinned as he pulled away, loving the loss of coherent speech caused by what he could do for Bucky. “I’m happy to be of service.” He kissed Bucky’s mouth, sharing the wealth from the first of what he hoped would be many orgasms. Bucky gripped TJ by the shirt, holding him roughly, kissing him wantonly.

“My… um… my turn, inside.” TJ stammered. “Wh- where we left off.”

Bucky hurriedly tucked himself back into the jeans, wincing at the tightness as he fastened them for the parking lot crossing. He stepped out of the car, calling Eddie to him. TJ followed, appreciating Bucky’s ass in his tight jeans, and his waist and shoulders in the dark band t-shirt he’d worn over a long-sleeved tee. TJ licked his lips at the sight. The second they were through the door, TJ commanded Eddie to “bed” and pushed Bucky against the wall next to the door. Bucky kicked his shoes aside, gripping TJ’s shirt and tugging as TJ desperately unfastened and started shoving Bucky’s jeans over his hips and down his thighs. Bucky kicked the jeans away at the same time he gripped TJ’s waistband and popped the riveted button out of the denim. He used a little more finesse to unzip the zipper, but TJ shoved his hand away, gripping his cock, slicking it up with something from a packet he’d pulled from his pocket. Bucky let TJ lift his leg, groaning and gasping as he thrust two fingers abruptly.

“TJ.” Bucky grunted before gripping his lip between his teeth. TJ looked at Bucky, watching for a ‘stop’, but received none, and hurriedly, roughly manipulated the tender opening with lube-slicked fingers. TJ pressed against the spot, removing his fingers and thrusting his cock urgently past the tight grip.

Bucky wrapped his legs around TJ’s waist, shamelessly calling out as TJ thrust sharply, repeatedly, until fully seated.

“Fuck fuck. TJ oh HELL Fuck…” Bucky’s cries alternated between high and low, “Oh GOD TJ. Fuck YES!!” Bucky rocked between TJ and the wall, taking the abuse eagerly. He lost control of his breathing, raggedly gasping for air, his fingers gripping TJ’s shoulders roughly.

TJ felt the pain in his right shoulder as Bucky’s grip tightened, it was going to bruise, but he didn’t care. He thrust into Bucky, using the wall as resistance, urgently grinding as his orgasm teased. Bucky’s lack of control, and erratic rocking motions, coupled with his litany of uncontrolled curses urged the tightening and final release. He let go inside of Bucky, gripping his hips and stilling Bucky against him, panting as he shuddered, and as Bucky rode him beyond the release.

TJ noticed Bucky’s arousal, and selfishly tugged him to his own second release, smirking when, as he gently withdrew, and lowered Bucky’s legs one at a time, Bucky asked “why’d you go and do that?”

“Because I want you to fuck me as well as I did you, and I don’t want you going off before I get off.”

“Crude bastard.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” TJ smirked again. “Selfish, and crude. Now, I know you wanted that. I want to know what you want to do with me. I know you’ve thought about it.”

Bucky had thought a lot about a lot of things he wanted to do with TJ, He’d mostly been thinking about what he’d wanted done to him, though, so he had to regroup. “I was mostly thinking about that.” Bucky shrugged in the direction of the wall, “It was the last thing we’d been talking about.”

“Ok, so… you have had thoughts, though, right?”

“Hell yeah.” Bucky laughed nervously, trying to focus as TJ teased his scrotum, and the reminder of what they’d just done was making him feel sticky. “First, a brief intermission.”

TJ laughed as Bucky headed for the bathroom. “I warned you once.”

“Fuck you TJ.” Bucky said from the bathroom. “I still liked it.”

“I’m glad. You know, you could fuck me over that nice new table I built.”

Bucky looked in the mirror at his red face as he finished cleaning up. “Jesus.” He smiled as he heard TJ laughing.

“I didn’t hear a denial, in fact that was definitely a “fuck yeah that sounds fantastic-jesus”, if you ask me.” TJ called from the other room.

“You’re absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe I even know you.” Bucky said as he walked out of the bathroom, multiple damp and dry towels in hand. TJ was sitting innocently on the rug smiling up at Bucky.

“You could just fuck me on this nice new rug.”

Bucky set the towels on the arm of the sofa, crawled across the floor to where TJ sat and kissed him. “I could do that. I’m gonna do that.”

Bucky pushed TJ backward, kissing his throat, nipping and sucking. TJ wrapped his arms and legs around Bucky, encouraging the oral onslaught at the same time he was demanding attention from Bucky’s cock.

The amused, impassioned laugh Bucky gave against TJ’s neck had TJ hooking one arm tightly around Bucky’s neck and reaching where Bucky’s cock kept teasing at and missing his sensitive, eager hole with the other.

TJ’s hand on Bucky made Bucky surge and bite down on the soft spot his tongue and teeth had been teasing. He stopped moving, letting TJ’s silken hand slide over his shaft, coating it with lube he hadn’t yet thought to locate. TJ’s hand stuttered at the sharp bite, Bucky licked at the spot, kissing over the wound and thrusting into TJ’s fist. TJ directed the tip to his hole, pressing against it, urging Bucky to drive it home.

Bucky slowly pressed into TJ, his hands in TJ’s curls, his mouth on the point at TJ’s throat so that he could feel the growl vibrate against his lips and teeth. TJ arched to accommodate more and more of Bucky’s length. Bucky moved one hand from TJ’s hair and grabbed a pillow from the couch and stuffed it under TJ’s back, then gripped TJ’s ass, kneading as he plunged again and again, nearly forgetting all restraint. TJ gave over to Bucky’s control, barely holding on, his leg slipping before Bucky took his other hand from TJ’s hair and grabbed the limb, holding it high against his ribs for more control, better access.

TJ’s cries were uncontrolled, wordless encouragement, moaning and muttering words of endearment only if they came to his hazy mind. Bucky kissed TJ’s slack mouth, fucking his tongue into the warmth as he shuddered with his release.

“Oh my god.” TJ breathed as Bucky pulled out. Bucky’s legs felt rubbery, his thighs trembling as he knelt and used a damp towel to clean TJ tenderly.

“What? No good?” Bucky teased, sweat dampened loose tendrils of hair that had fallen free of the hair tie that would probably be found eventually.

TJ reached his hand out for Bucky, lazily waving to him to come closer. “You can’t even say that.” He argued, his fingers finally touching Bucky’s face as he leaned in at TJ’s beckoning. TJ’s fingers brushed the stray strands from Bucky’s face, “Fuck, when you let go, you’re a beast.”

Bucky took in TJ’s sated smile, and accepted the compliment as intended. He kissed TJ’s swollen lips, and TJ winced at the pressure, “you bite.” TJ complained.

“I bite?”

“You bit my lip, you bit my neck, you’re a fucking vampire.” TJ laughed, kissing Bucky back, disregarding the sting.

Bucky looked at TJ’s neck and saw bruising there and on his shoulder. He touched TJ’s shoulder tenderly, “I did this. Jesus, I hurt you.”

“No, no... that’s not what happened. Don’t you dare.”

“I forgot, you’re fragile and…”

TJ brought Bucky’s gaze away from his shoulder, to his face, “look at me. You didn’t hurt me, a little bruise during sex is – fuck, that kind of god-damned sex – is to be expected. I don’t want you to do this, it’s like a nail scratch or a hickey, just a temporary brand to remember such great sex.”

TJ knew Bucky was with him when his tears and his argument were redirected to tender kisses on the affected marks.

“Do you trust me Bucky?”

“I trust you completely TJ.”

“I want to do something. I’ve wanted to do this since probably day one-or day two.”

“Anything.” Bucky answered, lying back on the pillow when TJ pressed him backward.

“I don’t want you to do anything, just relax. If it’s too much, just tell me. I am going to touch you.” Bucky watched TJ as he straddled his waist, he couldn’t take his eyes off TJ’s smooth skin, dotted with soft patches of hair. TJ rubbed his hands over Bucky’s shoulders, down the length of his arms before leaning forward and kissing his jaw, his neck, and down his chest. TJ’s lips and tongue traced the peaks and valleys of Bucky’s muscle groups, and the warmth of TJ’s mouth lingered at each of Bucky’s nipples long enough to cause a brief stirring in his cock.

“You can touch me any time you want.” TJ said quietly, seeing Bucky’s fists grasping at the carpet fibers. The permission brought Bucky’s hands to TJ’s hair with soft circles against his scalp, slight tugs at his curls, and TJ smiled against Bucky’s skin, pleased that he wasn’t afraid to touch him after seeing the bruise on his shoulder.

TJ’s tongue traced the chiseled ab muscles down toward the warm, semi hard length, but that wasn’t TJ’s destination. TJ traced around the soft tender skin with his fingers along Bucky’s pelvis before licking at his hipbones. Grabbing a second pillow, TJ folded it in half, and rolled Bucky onto his stomach, his hips put to rest on the pillow. TJ kneaded Bucky’s ass cheeks before returning to Bucky’s neck. “You still ok?” he asked softly against Bucky’s ear.

“What’s next?” Bucky asked breathily.

TJ kissed him on the lips, “You’ll see. You’re not overwhelmed are you?”

“Yes and no. Yes, god yes, but not too much.” Bucky said between kisses.

He felt TJ’s hands dig into his muscles at his shoulders and back, and the warm, wet stripe TJ licked between his shoulder blades. He knew why TJ was concerned that he’d be overwhelmed, he was borderline with all of the stimulation, but it was a good feeling, a feeling he wanted to pursue, even if it tickled the edges of his consciousness that he should rein it in.

TJ’s tongue and fingers continued to stimulate Bucky as he felt the warmth and the cooling air that followed it, making a path down his spine. TJ turned around, straddling Bucky’s waist, facing his rear, his toes snuck under Bucky’s shoulders and Bucky had nothing of TJ’s to touch. He reached behind him and cupped TJ’s knees, as TJ’s hands cupped and kneaded his ass cheeks.

Bucky lifted his hips when he felt TJ’s tongue trace the dimple above his ass, his fingers gripping TJ’s knees weakly as the warmth of TJ’s tongue followed the valley between his cheeks. “TJ?”

“Too much? Or ok?”

TJ stilled, his breath tickling Bucky’s rear, “It’s ok, I think.” Bucky panted.

“You think, or you’re sure. I don’t do anything with ‘I think’.” TJ said, kissing one cheek. Bucky felt the tease of whisker growth on his sensitive skin.

“I’m sure. I think I’m sure – fuck.”

“Breathe baby. I won’t hurt you. If you need a break, too much stimulation… I understand.”

“No, stop being careful with me TJ. I’m not fragile.”

“We all are, I’m not being careful, I just _care_.” TJ licked another stripe in the crevice just below the bottom dimple. “more?”

“Please, yes.” Bucky huffed. He was teetering but the edge was too enticing, he didn’t want to fear going over, he wanted to feel the hazy feeling that teased the edges of his consciousness. The warm, firm pressure of TJ’s tongue as it tickled the not-quite-raw nerves where he could still feel TJ’s mark. He couldn’t stop the reflexive response to the intrusion of TJ’s tongue as TJ licked and dipped repeatedly, then licked a broad stroke toward his balls. TJ’s hands still held his cheeks apart, and the abrasion of his whiskers on the tender skin coupled with the warm, wet trail TJ’s wide tongue left was bringing Bucky to the brink, he felt the damp spot form where the pillow rubbed his belly.

TJ stilled Bucky’s grinding hips to press his tongue again and again over Bucky’s hole, and then repeatedly dipped the tip inside deeper, and more shallow, intermittently. Bucky groaned against the torment, trying in vain to thrust into the pillow. TJ’s knees tightened at Bucky’s hips, locking him so that TJ could have complete control. Enjoying the frustrated moans coming from behind him, TJ licked repeatedly over Bucky’s scrotum, barely touching the soft, warm skin with the edges of his bottom teeth. He felt the tightening as Bucky’s groan became a growl and he tried again to rock his arousal against the pillow.

“Hang on.” TJ said firmly as he moved from over Bucky’s body, to lift his hips higher and position himself behind Bucky. “Not yet.”

“TJ.” Bucky cried from the pillow.

“Trust me baby. You’re going to be fine.” TJ dipped his face between Bucky’s cheeks again, reaching around and taking Bucky’s rigid length in both hands. He stroked Bucky slowly, licking against and into his hole, “Fuck my fists baby.” He said before thrusting his tongue deeper.

“Fuck TJ.” Bucky rocked against TJ’s face and against his fists alternatively. “Fuck. More. TJ More.” He called out each time TJ withdrew. He wasn’t expecting TJ to thrust into him with his entire length, and as TJ’s cock grazed his prostate, Bucky came hard over TJ’s fists pumping him through his release.

TJ withdrew to finish over Bucky’s back, both of them sweating and panting. TJ traced the lines of Bucky’s back tenderly as he tried to regain his bearings, Bucky collapsed against the pillows, even he was struggling to find strength and to breathe.

“Bucky, sweetheart?” TJ said, concern touching the edges of his words.

“”m fine baby.” Bucky muttered into the pillow.

“We should go clean up in the tub.” TJ sat back on his heels, caressing Bucky’s thighs, “made a bit of a mess.”

Bucky smiled against the pillow. “gimme a minute.”

“I’ll get the water heated. I have something nice to add to it, will make your skin even more silky smooth.”

Bucky’s calves clenched against TJ’s knees, “Don’t go.”

“I’m just going to the other room, no we’re not going to let this opportunity pass.” TJ patted Bucky’s cheeks, still elevated on the pillow. “Mm.mm fine ass.” He said as he walked away.

Bucky listened as the water drew and TJ opened and closed the cabinet, probably getting fresh bath towels and washcloths. He couldn’t stop smiling, even though the sudden distance felt too cool, too alienating. “TJ?”

“Right here baby.” TJ said from the bathroom. “Can you get up yet?”

“Could I not before?” Bucky teased, easing back onto his knees, feeling the aftermath of their lovemaking. “Yeah, I think I’m ok.”

TJ came out of the bathroom, to see Bucky stretching his muscles, arching his back and he was mesmerized. He walked around, appreciating the lines of Bucky’s naked body before offering him a hand up. “Come on, enough showing off.” He teased. “I think the tub’s just big enough for the two of us. Water’s warm.”

Bucky followed TJ into the bathroom, and climbed into the tub after him, settling between TJ’s legs. “You sure about this?” Bucky asked, leaning back against TJ, feeling TJ’s silken skin against his own.

“I’m sure, why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s tight quarters.”

“If you’re uncomfortable,” TJ started, brushing Bucky’s hair aside, kissing his neck.

“No, are you?”

TJ’s fingers tickled the sides of Bucky’s neck as they trailed down over the curve of his shoulders and down his sides. TJ picked up a washcloth, and ran it across the expanse of Bucky’s back and down, then over his chest, down to his navel. “I’m not.” He said, peppering kisses along Bucky’s shoulder. “If I thought I would be, we wouldn’t be here.”

Bucky’s hands traced the lines of TJ’s legs, lazily smoothing the spicy smelling water over his knees. “TJ,”

“Mm.hmm.”

“Tonight has been… I…”

“Did you _not_ like anything we did?” TJ asked after Bucky was quiet for too long.

“No, I. Jesus, no. I’m trying to wrap my head around it, to put it into words.”

“Ok, so, we’ve had sex before, it can’t be shame.”

“It’s not. No.” Bucky tightened his hands on TJ’s knees, “no, it’s not shame, but it is confusion related to shame. I mean. I was taught to be ashamed of anything that wanton, even _with a_ _woman_.”

TJ chuckled against Bucky’s skin, “Catholic.”

Bucky nodded, “Irish-Catholic.”

“Shame, sin, it’s all sin, why is gay sin worse than straight sin? What a confusing thing to teach a child. Don’t be confused. If you liked it, don’t feel ashamed. You’ve seen what extremists will do for their beliefs, fight it by being you.”

Bucky leaned against TJ’s chest, “God I love you TJ, you make me feel good physically, emotionally, you’re a balm to the soul.”

TJ tightened his arms around Bucky, kissing his temple. “Relaxed?”

“Mm.hmm.” Bucky hummed, “hungry.”

Bucky felt the rumble of TJ’s chuckle, “I think we should clean up the rest of the way, order something to be delivered, and just take the rest of the evening at our leisure. How does that sound?”

“We’re eating takeout again.”

“I mean, do you want to cook? I don’t want to cook.”

“No, takeout sounds nice.” Bucky decided. “I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t involve being naked next to you.”

“Aww, you sweet talker.” TJ leaned forward, pushing Bucky forward so that he could reach the plug, “Let’s shower this stuff off the correct way, now that you’ve had a chance to let your body reset.”

Bucky stood up, contrary to TJ’s pronouncement, his body wasn’t anywhere near reset, his legs still felt rubbery, but he held a hand out to TJ to help him up. TJ turned the shower as warm as they could stand; taking the initial shower-spray so that Bucky wouldn’t be shocked by any temperature extreme. “Ok, so maybe not reset.” TJ said as he rubbed his own thighs. “Fuck Bucky that was some amazing sex.”

“TJ,” Bucky wrapped his arms around TJ’s waist, “That was out of this world.”

“I’m glad you agree.” TJ pushed Bucky’s hair from his face, “you wash me, I wash you?”

Bucky kissed the shimmering drops of water from TJ’s lips, “yes, it always works out so nicely that way.”

TJ smiled at the warm way Bucky responded.

 Bucky smoothed shower gel between his hands, lathering it up richly before spreading it across TJ’s shoulders. He inspected the bruising on TJ’s right shoulder, gently touching the area. “’m still so sorry for this.”

“But not for this?” TJ pointed at the mark on his neck and the one behind his ear, “or this?”

“No, I intended those, and they’re not created by this.” Bucky held his hand in front of TJ.

TJ took the metal prosthetic in both of his, gently folding Bucky’s fingers, “It could have been the other one, and you’d still feel terrible. Would you feel better if I scratched up your back? I can do that if it makes you feel better.”

“You don’t take seriously how badly I can hurt you. That worries me TJ.”

“If you’re ever _not concerned_ about how you’ve touched, treated, or otherwise been with me, I have had instructions to run fast and to call for backup. You were in the fucking moment. In the throes of passion, and it was just a little uncomfortable, _if_ for one second I was distressed about it, you would have stopped. We can have a safe word if you think it would make you feel better. I mean I don’t know that we’ll get into anything like that, unless you want to? But a word that we both recognize as a universal “stop” do not proceed, then we can absolutely come up with one.”

“I’d be more comfortable with that, yes. For your benefit.”

“There’s got to be a rule then, because if I don’t say the word, it means I'm ok with whatever happens, so if you see another mark, you can’t say “why didn’t you use the safe word?” you got that?” TJ kissed each knuckle on Bucky’s left hand, “Not once, because I wouldn’t have said it this time.”

“You’re stubborn, how do I know you would use it appropriately?”

“Because you said you trust me, “always”, which means not only intimately with your body, your own safety, but you trust me with mine.”

“Not fair using my words against me.”

“Let me wash your hair while you sulk about it.” TJ smiled, “Turn around.”

Their shower just barely ended before the flow of hot water turned cool, just lazily washing one another after Bucky’s concern was partially alleviated. TJ knew that it would take until the bruise faded before Bucky was completely relieved. He was touched by Bucky’s love and compassion. He was also rewarded throughout the night with feather-light touches, as if Bucky were trying to prove to both of them that he could still be gentle with the hand. Whenever TJ had a chance, he’d catch his fingers, draw them to his lips, and kiss them. Further proof, he hoped.

TJ ordered pizza, and worked to make conversation while they waited, even though he wanted more intimacy. He didn’t want to chance an interruption. “I guess tonight was the wrong night to debut a new table? We’re not going to use it.” TJ said from where his head rested on Bucky’s leg.

“In the morning, we’ll eat breakfast like normal people.” Bucky said, tickling TJ’s ear. I like it, it doesn’t take up as much space as I’d feared. Thank you TJ. Oh, and the rugs? The warm, plush rug that we couldn’t wait to initiate? I like that too.”

“I’m partial to that rug, that rug is very nice.” TJ teased, reaching up to stroke Bucky’s jaw, “Kiss me Bucky.”

“One kiss, and then one of us needs to put clothes on to get the pizza.”

“One of us being me, since I need to go outside and sign for it. You know what? I think Eddie must have watched the baby that booted him out of his home being conceived, sex just does not faze him.”

“Maybe he _just knows_ we’re not going to hurt each other.”

“See? Even Eddie’s convinced.” TJ said sassily, kissing Bucky before getting up from the sofa to pull some pants on. “You’re so taking care of this after that food gets here.” TJ complained as he slowly covered his semi-erection.

“What makes you think I want any more to do with _that_?” Bucky asked, from his semi-modest position on the sofa.

“Because you do.” TJ nodded, his brows lifted.

“You’re trying to convince me.” Bucky teased. “With your cute eyebrow expressions, and your ridiculous face. I’m not convinced.”

“Have it your way. I can convince you without my ridiculous face, but I’m not going to. I could share my pizza too. But.” TJ teased as he stepped out onto the small porch when the doorbell rang.

Bucky was very, very convinced. He not only wanted to take care of TJ’s arousal, he had something that also needed taken care of. He resisted stroking the sensitive reminder that if he weren’t positioned the way he was on the sofa, he’d have zero argument to pose to TJ.

TJ returned with a pile of boxes, “What did you order?” Bucky asked, shooing Eddie from the sofa.

“Pizza, garlic knots, dessert pizza, nothing much, as long as you eat more of it than I do.” TJ answered, setting the boxes down and sliding his pants off, before crawling onto the sofa. “You’re naked, I’m not going to keep pants on. They’re just going to get in the way.”

Bucky laughed, “You do have some promises to keep.”

“I thought you were done having ‘any more to do with _that_ ’.” TJ smirked, tugging a piece of pizza from the box. Bucky grabbed one of the unused towels and tossed it over TJ’s crotch.

“I’d hate for you to drop hot cheese there. I’d really rather my debut into your world doesn’t happen today, and not in the emergency room.”

TJ considered what Bucky said, nodding as he took a bite, “Good thinking.”

“So do you _wait_ to start eating to talk to me? Or is it just – what is it?” Bucky teased.

“I’m so glad you’re gifted at sex.” TJ said around another bite of pizza. “Shut up and eat.”

Bucky pushed at TJ then let his hand linger on TJ’s leg. “You’re such an asshole.”

“I know you like it.” TJ waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh my god TJ.” Bucky laughed, almost choking on the bite he’d just taken. “I need to really be careful around you.”

“Nah, you’ll live. You know it’s true.”

“Sweet baby jesus.” Bucky breathed.

TJ giggled, “you did not just say that.”

“Why?”

“You sounded like a little old church lady.”

“I did not.” Bucky said indignantly.

“You kinda did.” TJ insisted, setting the pizza boxes on the floor and moving to sit beside Bucky.

Bucky put his arm across TJ’s shoulders, “I love you, even when you’re a little goofy.”

TJ leaned against Bucky and kissed him, “You love me no matter what I’m doing. Don’t kid yourself. Hey, are you really ok?”

“With tonight? Yeah. I think I’m over the weird ‘you should be ashamed’ thing that took me by surprise.”

“Trust me, that’s normal. It’s worse when people are pointing at you and saying it within hours of your last fuck. Then again, it’s not a forever feeling. As soon as you know for yourself that you shouldn’t be ashamed of a damned thing, it gets easy to look at the finger-pointers and say – even if it’s in your own head – I am not ashamed; fuck off.”

“It’s easier to have someone who knows what’s going on.”

“No, honey, it’s easy for you right now because there are three people in your world who know. Three enlightened people, one of whom loves what you’re doing because you’re doing it to him. There will come a time when those voices you quieted tonight will be coming from around you, behind your back, in your face. Then, I promise it won’t be easier no matter who is there, but I will be there nonetheless.”

“That had to be so hard for you at such a young age,” Bucky kissed the side of TJ’s head, “I wish you never had to find it out.”

“Aww, Bucky, that’s sweet, but really it’s nothing compared…”

“TJ, if you say anything about what I’ve “been through”, the conversation, and anything else we had planned for tonight ends. I’m having a compassionate moment on your behalf and you’re going to deal with that.”

“Yessir.” TJ said, contrite.

“I’m sorry, I just, we both know. _You know_ that I’m still working on emotions, and actions. Jesus I hate that you had that kind of upbringing. It’s not about who had it worse, but how you feel about it.”

“It sucked.” TJ laid his head on Bucky’s shoulder. “I was alone and frightened and just a stupid kid, kids are supposed to explore, and they’re not supposed to be the center of the world’s attention.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Queer kids are afraid for their lives Bucky, not just afraid of what their parents think, and then I had to be part of _this family_. If there were a god, he’d take into consideration what a kid’s environment was like before sending them off to grow up queer.”

“What about “free will”?”

“Fuck that. Any religion that says god gave man “free will” and still says that sex, which feels _really_ good, is sinful. Making kids like me worry, making guys like you have second thoughts after experiencing something pleasant, they’re hypocrites. Fucking evil, goddamned hypocrites.”

“Ok, you have another valid point.” Bucky said, hugging TJ’s head to him briefly. “Your parents weren’t supportive?”

“Not at first. “Jesus TJ, look at the mess you’ve caused your _father._ ” “Well, you’ve made your bed, now you’ve gotta lie in it”.”

“Meaning what? You got caught, forced to come out, and had to take the brunt of the abuse because of it?”

“Pretty much. Oh, there were a slew of doctors, psychologists, fixers, then there were press releases, and I felt the shame of needing _extra_ security, and going to those appointments to determine if this was me just “acting out”. Mom was on board sooner than dad, he was so bewildered how _his son_ could ‘like cock’. Dougie was my one true ally. So many of those tests I told you about when I wanted you to make _sure_ this was what you wanted, happened after the press got hold of the official “coming out”.”

“Is it normal to be so angry about something after the fact?”

“Can I mention what you just adamantly forbade me to mention?”

“It fits the conversation and isn’t minimizing what you went through?”

“No, it’s in context, I promise. I’m angry all the fucking time over what you were put through, so either it’s normal, or it’s at least acceptable.”

“Ok, you’re right, in context.” Bucky smiled. “But we can’t do anything about it, so what do you do with the anger?”

“I don’t want to sound like I’m asking for extra attention; I’m just going to tell you how I’ve handled it. I just make sure that I always try to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Sometimes I get told to ‘shut it’, and sometimes I forget and have a little dramatic meltdown, but overall, I just try to make your life better now.”

“You definitely do that. Eat your pizza TJ.”


	32. Chapter 32

The last time TJ could recall waking up on the floor, he was hung over, high, and someone he didn’t know was lying across him. He reached to his middle section for the very familiar feeling of Bucky’s hair tickling his stomach. The head on his belly was the only similarity to that last time he woke up on the floor, and this time he knew the someone. They’d stayed up – to quote Bucky – “way past” his bedtime. TJ let Bucky sleep, careful just to tease the ends of Bucky’s hair through the tips of his fingers, so that he wouldn’t wake Bucky yet. The alarm hadn’t gone off, there was still time for sleep.

When the alarm did go off, Bucky heard the squawking and opened his eyes slowly, meeting TJ’s gaze, “mornin’.” He mumbled before lifting his head just enough to pepper kisses on TJ’s side, over and around marks he’d left there the night before. He was reminded of the bruise on TJ’s shoulder and sat up to inspect it. “Let me see.” He said gruffly as TJ reached to set the phone back down.

“What? The phone? Who do you have to call so early?” TJ said with a bright smile, “Cheatin’ on me with Lee?”

“No, your shoulder, let. me. see.”

TJ sat up and leaned back on his left arm, while Bucky inspected the bruises at the front and back of his right shoulder. “Will I live?” TJ asked, looking over his shoulder to where Bucky was avidly inspecting the finger marks behind him. Bucky came back around to TJ's front to see where his thumb had pressed another dark purple mark.

“You’ll live, but that doesn’t mean I have to like this.”

“Come on baby.” TJ sang, “You know I’m ok. How about a little morning lovin’?” TJ rotated his arm, shrugged his shoulder and looked at the mark he could see best, the one in front, “didn’t break the skin, I can use it, sure it stings a little, but so does this.” TJ covered hickeys on his side.

Bucky put his hand gently on the marks on TJ’s side, brushing TJ's fingers with his “Not the same.”

“No, and yes. They feel different, but they came about for the same reason, passion. I’m not broken _and_ I’m eager for more.”

“You’re a real pain, you know that?” Bucky smiled, he kissed TJ briefly, and TJ leaned to follow after him, demanding more.

“I do know it; it’s the best way to get what I want.”

“The best way?” Bucky asked, straddling TJ. “What do you want TJ?”

“Well, by now, it’s safe to say you know what I like, so if you can’t figure out what I might want, you could improvise?”

“You want to be the center of attention?” Bucky teased TJ’s nipples before walking backward on his knees until he had TJ’s thighs trapped between his own. He was full of ideas, from the things they did the night before, well into the morning, but he was also on a tighter schedule. “What one thing can I do that will get you through the day?”

“Just one? I mean, I can’t be selfish.”

“You can, and you will.” Bucky urged.

TJ wiggled his legs, “You have to let me move.”

Bucky chuckled watching TJ’s movements. He moved from astride TJ’s thighs, kneeling next to him. TJ sat up, gripping Bucky’s neck and kissing him. He took Bucky’s hands and led him to the center of the rug, and guided Bucky to all fours, “you might be more comfortable resting on your elbows.” TJ said tenderly, brushing Bucky’s hair from his face. TJ swiped up the packet of lube that was near the edge of the rug, swiftly applying it to his shaft and sliding his fingers along the dip between Bucky’s cheeks to quickly press into Bucky’s sensitive hole.

“Shit” Bucky hissed at the abruptness, “A little warning.”

“That’s what this was,” TJ smirked, trailing his cool fingers back over the smooth skin beneath the dimple on Bucky’s ass. “You ok?” he asked cautiously, stilling his fingers.

“Not if you stop, I won’t be.” Bucky’s voice was needy and TJ grinned, pressing his tip against the resistance.

TJ proceeded slowly, steadily filling Bucky with his length. He delighted in the pleasured moans and cries that came from Bucky, and leaned forward as he was fully seated, kissing Bucky’s back and neck before straightening to pull out quickly. TJ repeated the action, stuttering his movements to elicit more sounds of pleasure and frustration. TJ’s lip curled at the sound of defeat and disappointment when he withdrew completely. He tapped Bucky’s thigh, “Lie down on your back baby, I want to look at you.”

Bucky lay across the rug, angled just a little off of the flat of his back at TJ’s encouragement, he lifted his leg when TJ directed him, resting his knee and shin against TJ’s chest as TJ teased at his entrance before seating fully again. TJ watched Bucky’s eyes darken and flutter closed before opening them again to watch TJ. Bucky watched for tells, signs that would help him figure out what TJ would do next, would he withdraw or thrust? But Bucky couldn’t discern anything definite, all he could determine was that TJ wasn’t thinking at all, he was acting on instinct.

TJ thrust into Bucky repeatedly, his own pleasured voice mingling with the sensual sounds coming from Bucky. He worked to prolong his own orgasm just a little longer; giving them both a little ‘extra something’ before the workday had to begin. Bucky arched to meet TJ’s thrusts, making TJ’s goal near impossible.

TJ couldn’t look at Bucky, as much as he wanted to, he was just too beautiful, his skin flush, sweat darkening his hair. His eyes, most of all, were damned near impossible to look at too long, deep, dark slate instead of the usual sky at dusk. His eyelashes fanned out when he closed his eyes, the lushness impossible to ignore. “Fuck you’re beautiful.” TJ whispered as he admitted defeat, giving everything with a final, urgent thrust.

Bucky’s voice was velvety as he called out with his own release. Bucky slipped the leg he’d had braced against TJ’s chest around TJ’s waist and locked it with his other leg, pulling TJ to him. “Oh my god TJ.” He exclaimed into TJ’s mouth as he kissed him wantonly.

TJ smiled at the oath, then nipped Bucky’s lip and took control of the kiss, sucking and biting, fucking his tongue into Bucky’s mouth. He kissed down the line of Bucky’s chest quickly, before lapping at Bucky’s already erect shaft. He didn’t waste any time with teasing, taking the length into his mouth. Bucky grasped TJ’s curls, and held him firm so that he couldn’t pull away, in case he had such thoughts. Bucky arched and thrust, then stilled, sinfully watching TJ. Bucky released his fingers from TJ's hair, and caressed TJ's cheekbone with the thumb of his right hand, gazing at TJ as he watched TJ finish him off. “Fuck baby, you’re so good to me.”

TJ discovered that giving as much after Bucky came was easier and more pleasurable than he’d previously understood, stroking Bucky’s still firm member with his tongue, and fucking him extra without the urgency. Bucky moved his hips languidly, enjoying the warm, velvet caress until TJ finally pulled away, letting Bucky’s cock slide free. TJ lazily moved up Bucky’s body, suckling his nipple briefly before engaging him in another kiss, more playful, and more loving. “I think you’d better go clean up.” He said against Bucky’s throat, kissing him, Bucky's groan vibrating on TJ’s lips and tongue.

“Probably shouldn’t try missing a day due to sex. Join me? Or will you just cause more trouble?”

“I can behave. I have to get some work done today too. I kinda gave it a half-assed go yesterday, shopping and being hard all day.”

“Come on.” Bucky chuckled, moving to sit up. “I know what you mean about people not liking that, not that I don’t, but ugh, cleanup is a chore.”

“Well, do you want me going off inside you or not?” TJ asked, following Bucky.

“Yes, but I can complain about the aftermath.” Bucky joked.

“I don’t know about that.” TJ smirked, “I mean I tried to warn you.”

“Jackass.” Bucky laughed as he turned the shower on. He turned to TJ, taking him in his arms, “Jesus I love you.”

“I love it when you have to cuss to explain just how much. I haven’t ever been loved enough to be cursed at with the proclamation.”

“Well then Fuck I love you. Goddammit.” Bucky hugged TJ tighter, kissing his neck and biting at his throat.

“You’re such a biter lately.” TJ groaned, tangling his fingers in Bucky’s hair. “I kinda like it.”

“I know. That’s why I keep doing it. The little noises you make, pure pleasure.” Bucky pulled away, stepping into the tub, “Third shower in 24 hours, come in with me.”

TJ followed, enjoying the playful nature of the morning. “No bad moods, no fears or craziness, I like this.”

“Honey, me too. Trust me, I don’t like when I have shitty mood swings or breakdowns.” Bucky started to lather TJ’s skin, kissing the bruises on his shoulder. “I can’t apologize?”

“Nope. You agreed.” TJ reminded him, “plus, you apologized for that particular incident at least a dozen times.”

“Not a dozen.” Bucky scoffed. “If you’re going to round to the nearest dozen, I get to apologize more to meet your outlandish estimation.”

“Shut up.” TJ smiled, putting some shower gel in the palm of his hand. He lathered it up to a thick, silken foam and proceeded to wash Bucky’s body. “I think you’re beautiful.” He heard himself say.

“So you’ve said. Is that narcissism?”

“No.” TJ shook his head, “I don’t think so? Should I ask my therapist today if I’m in love with someone who bears a striking resemblance to me, is that a narcissistic thing?”

“You could ask if you want. It’s your therapy session. You’ll have to tell me what they say though, I kinda need to know if I’m narcissistic too.” Bucky said, kissing TJ.

“I love you, narcissistic or not. But I might talk about it. Generic traits only if she asks. Hair, eyes, bone structure. The resemblance stops at the fucking… you are a specimen.”

“You can’t even finish a thought.” Bucky laughed, rinsing off under the warm stream of water.

“I can’t. I’d keep you here all day and do things to you, if I didn’t… if we both didn’t have to be adults again.”

“We do. I need to save my emergency days off for real emergencies.” Bucky said, dipping his forehead to TJ’s shoulder. “I don’t _want_ it to be that way.”

TJ brought his hand to the back of Bucky’s wet head, “I know sweetheart. You know when I say stuff like that I’m not asking you to actually blow off work, I’m just speaking hypothetically.”

“I know. I really want to have a life where I don’t have to have those emergencies in the forefront of my thoughts, motivating everything I do.”

“I want that for you too love. I wish I were in a position to help you. I know some of the most powerful people in the world and I still feel so goddamned helpless. God I love you Bucky.”

Bucky pulled away to look TJ in the eye, “I don’t expect you to do anything, I don’t just love you for who you know… let me finish… The fact that you love me that much is more than I even know what to do with. I’ve never quite felt so loved either TJ.”

“I think we’re a couple of very emotionally starved individuals.” TJ said as he turned the faucet off and stepped out of the shower. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“I’m glad you came into the bar – as sorry as I am that you were hurting so much that you were compelled to hide out there. I would never have met you, so, selfishly, I’m glad we were brought together.”

“I don’t think that’s selfish.” TJ said, handing Bucky a towel. “I think out of the possible things that could have happened, and I’m pretty sure no matter who served me that night – at that bar – nobody would have let me get to the point of alcohol poisoning, you’re the best possible thing.”

TJ combed through his hair, watching Bucky in the mirror, “I did well, I see a couple of marks still hanging around near your ass. A shame those’ll be gone before the end of breakfast.”

Bucky turned, angling so he could, maybe, see what TJ was talking about. He found faint red scratch marks just above his ass-cheeks.

“Well, will you look at that.” Bucky said with a smirk. “I guess I can settle down a little more about making marks on your skin.”

“A lot more would be better.” TJ smiled as Bucky’s fingers covered the bruises on TJ’s shoulder. Bucky kissed the three prominent finger marks on the back of TJ’s shoulder, one at a time.

“I’m working on that. If it were this one.” He subtly waved his flesh hand over TJ’s shoulder, “I’d be a little less bothered, but even then I’m too strong to be with someone like you TJ.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re going to quit though.” TJ smirked into the mirror. “You love me too much.”

“I should love you too much to remain a danger to you, but I can’t. I can’t let you go.” Bucky wrapped his arm across TJ’s chest and pulled him back against his own. “I love you to distraction.” Bucky said into TJ’s throat, “I hope that selfish love doesn’t get you killed.”

The tiniest bit of sanity sparked in TJ’s being, he shuddered with just enough fear to remember all of the dangers they’d pushed conveniently to the sides. “I know you’ll never hurt me. I know who I have to be afraid of, Bucky. Not you. Never.”

“Never me, in my right mind.” Bucky clarified.

“Well, there’s that.” TJ said flatly, putting his hands over Bucky’s firm arm. “But that’s not going to happen. When we’re together, it’s not going to happen and I know what to do in the event something happens while we’re apart. I haven’t forgotten.” TJ’s eyes met Bucky’s in the mirror before he turned in Bucky’s arms.

“Your trust warms my heart TJ.” Bucky said instead of railing on about the dangers. He was sick to death of the lectures as much as he knew TJ was. “So does the fact that you remember the ‘other’.”

“That’s all we’re saying about either of these things again. No more worries about these marks unless you’re going to worry about the others too.”

Bucky kissed the mark on TJ’s neck and softly tickled the one behind his ear with his fingers. “Fine. I’ll worry about them too.”

TJ caught Bucky’s smirk in a quick kiss. “I assume the dogs will be a tomorrow thing?”

“Yeah, to my dismay, I got distracted.”

“Yeah, luckily I was a positive distraction this time.” TJ grinned.

“Get dressed.” Bucky said with a tender smile. “We’re running behind, I have to go fix breakfast _again_. You keep coming up with ways to get out of it.”

“Yeah, you’re complaining now, but about a half hour ago you were begging.”

“Shut up TJ.” Bucky chuckled, heading into the other room to get some clothes on.

TJ grinned at his reflection before turning away and following Bucky. He watched as the tight jeans covered Bucky’s ass. “You have a beautiful ass, it’s a shame you have to cover it up all day.”

“Well, if I didn’t, that would be an interesting distraction from my face. For about three minutes.”

“Yeah, I guess eventually everyone would pry their eyes free to see if your face was as lovely. That could cause problems.”

“Jesus TJ. I’m having enough trouble convincing myself to go to work today. Put something on, and stop talking about me.”

TJ laughed at the exasperation and the hint of embarrassment in Bucky’s voice. “I can call Lee and tell her we’re just too fucked up for you to go to work. I’ve got this _great_ sex voice that she’ll quiver for hours over.”

“Fuck TJ. Damn you.” Bucky groaned rolling his shoulders before turning to look at TJ. “You’re such a jerk.”

“I’m precious and you love me.” TJ winked, stepping behind Bucky, putting his hands on his still-bare waist. TJ kissed the back of Bucky’s shoulder, just off from the scarring then moved to Bucky’s neck. “Tempted? Or have you given in?”

“You have no concept…”

“Of responsibility, or self-control, or…”

“Either. Both.” Bucky leaned back against TJ’s naked chest.

TJ’s bare skin hummed at the abrasion of the denim of Bucky’s jeans. He pressed his thighs and hips against Bucky’s thighs and ass. “I tell you, I can get you out of this. I can take care of whatever you miss today.”

“You have your own rent to pay, Eddie to care for, you can’t keep encouraging me to be irresponsible.”

“I’m encouraging you to enjoy life. You haven’t had time enough to enjoy life, from imprisonment to homelessness, to struggling to keep this roof over your head, with time alone tormenting you. Just take Bucky. For one damned time in your life, _take_.”

“You’re a joy TJ.” Bucky chuckled, turning in TJ’s arms, “You have therapy and work. I have work. We’ll enjoy life together later.”

“If you say so.” TJ’s hand found Bucky’s jaw. “I’m working really hard to do as you ask.”

“You appreciate my honesty and my responsibility is inspirational.” Bucky kissed TJ’s cheek before pulling away slowly. “Get dressed, you can do it, underwear, pants, shirt, probably in that order for best results.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“What did you say earlier? “I’m precious and you love me”?” Bucky smiled. “Thank you TJ.”

“For?” TJ cocked his head quizzically, briefly reminding Bucky of Eddie.

“Putting happiness in my life.” Bucky chuckled, “I hope I can even come close to doing the same for you.”

“Every day.” TJ said over his shoulder, pulling a pair of black boxer briefs over his thighs.


	33. Chapter 33

Bucky was cleaning the glasses at the bar, thinking of the weeks that had passed. He and TJ had decided to forego another trip to the ocean, the weather was just getting warmer, which meant that more and more people were heading for the shore, it was better to stay close to home, but things were soft and cozy there, so it wasn’t any big loss.

The previous weekend the two of them decided, on a whim, to sleep over at TJ’s place. Bucky and TJ experimented with recipes and food combinations, and TJ played piano for Bucky every day. While they were there, neither of them discussed the luxury of TJ’s place or the disparity between the two places.

It was now three days later, TJ had called Bucky about an hour ago, saying that he was bringing a surprise home for Bucky. “TJ, you can’t keep spoiling me – your wonderful, extravagant gifts...” Bucky had started to argue.

“Bucky, it’s temporary.” Bucky heard the edge creep into TJ’s voice and instantly regretted the cautious reminder, “It’s actually on loan from The Dome. Don’t make me spoil the surprise.”

“Ok.” Bucky said, tying his hair up off his neck. “If it’s on loan, I’ll be quiet.”

Now he was curious what kind of temporary surprise TJ would be cooking up for him. He thought about it with a smile. He looked around the bar, trying to recall the things that he’d seen in his rushed visit to The Dome, what would TJ have in store for him that had him sounding mysterious and anxious? He’d alluded to an “idea” that last night in TJ’s apartment, but Bucky had let it drop, not wanting to taunt any of TJ’s ideas out of him prematurely.

Alec came in to take over the bar, “Hey Buck. You wanna light out early you can. I saw your bike out there – it’s a good day for a ride.”

“I hadn’t given it much thought. There’s some stuff in the back I should put away, maybe I’ll go after that’s done.”

“Leave it, it’s gonna be quiet about the time Lee gets here. I’ll take care of it then.” The big blond had an easy smile. “Take off. Take TJ out on the bike or meet him and take the dog for a drive. Pretty day, almost like summer out there.”

“I swear Lee has you trained. Everyone wants me to get the hell out of here.” Bucky laughed, gathering his bag and his phone. “Thanks Alec.”

“Any time man. You deserve it.”

Did he? How did he deserve the kindness his coworkers showed him or the love TJ lavished on him? The questions furrowed his brow as he walked to the door. “Thanks again. Have a good one. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

* * *

TJ had met with his mom and Douglas for lunch – something he’d put off long enough, and had been nearly forced to initiate, when they had called him to say they were coming over on Saturday. The Saturday he was laying low in his apartment with his lover, the fugitive they couldn’t know about. So he’d scrambled, “Eddie’s having some kind of weird stomach issue, I’ve got to take him to the vet, and I’ve got a few messes I need to clean up here. Today’s a bad day. I know, how about lunch on Tuesday or Wednesday?”

Douglas didn’t seem to notice the lie maybe they bought it? It did buy him time to spend with Bucky, however, it also locked him into a lunch date. TJ arranged to meet them both at the restaurant of Douglas choice, after calling Bucky and spilling the beans about bringing home a surprise. He’d thought about it a few times over the past couple of weeks, but the time spent at his place with Bucky and the piano were enough to remind him to pick up the portable keyboard from The Dome’s over-stocked and underused array of instruments.

“Tommy” His mom’s warm voice surrounded him before her arms did. “I’ve missed you, look at you.”

TJ blushed under scrutiny, “Yeah, a few pounds heavier.”

“No, you look amazing, you look happy.”

“I guess I am.”

“How’s Eddie feeling, what did the vet say?” Leave it to Dougie to pull that one right out.

“He said dogs are indiscriminate eaters and he probably got hold of something behind my back at the dog park. It didn’t last more than the weekend. He’s doing great.” God bless Bucky for telling him about non-emergent dog afflictions.

The trio sat amid the high security, and Douglas ordered drinks for himself and their mom. TJ ordered a cappuccino and an ice water without a word or a glance in either of their directions. He wasn’t ever quite sure if he was pissed when they just carried on with their own vices in spite of his sobriety or if he’d be angrier if they’d tap-danced around it by not ordering what they wanted. Maybe he was just frustrated that they could all call foul on him but not one of them had reflected on their own dependence on things like booze. He supposed mental policing of other people would be another topic for his therapist.

“What have you been keeping so busy doing? We never see you for dinner anymore.”

“Dougie, you’re a married man, you shouldn’t be worrying about my dinner plans.” TJ said with a vibrant smile. “Was just thinking about one of the things that has been keeping me busy, I’ve been going to therapy twice-weekly. I’m also considering a couple of business ideas; maybe I’ll go back to school for business management and just maybe I’ll put out an album. Possibly Christmas tunes if I can manage it in time.”

TJ hadn’t thought much about the album thing until Bucky mentioned it again over the weekend, but his highly successful politician brother and his POTUS mother sitting across from him made him reexamine the idea.

“That sounds exciting.” He had to give his mom credit, she was being supportive, it didn’t sound trite, and she didn’t look at him as if he was half-broken, and if she said the wrong thing, the words would crumble him.

“I’m probably assuming a temporary kitchen manager role, in addition to entertainment. Unless I can convince Cy to take it. It will be a good experience.” The silence told him all he needed to know, Douglas was skeptical and his mom thought he was wasting his talents. “I mean I’m no longer partner, through my own screw-up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have pride in my work. I’ll be able to buy my share of the partnership back by this fall if I take on the extra job.”

He didn’t miss the shared glances, probably wasn’t supposed to miss it. “How’s your friend James?”

Panic balled up like a stone in his gut and his chest felt constricted before he remembered she knew enough about “James” and he hadn’t said they were no longer “friends” so it was actually nice that she thought of him.

“He’s well, working hard with the dogs at the shelter and in his job. Their cook, I might as well say “chef”, has been giving me dozens of recipes, and cooking tips. James is…” TJ wanted to say, “he really needs your help” or “he’d be so much better if you could just…” instead TJ said, “Really one of the best friends I’ve ever had.” Was there too much love and passion in his declaration? He really hoped not, at the same time he didn’t.

“When am I going to meet this ‘James’?” Douglas asked with a smile.

“Even I haven’t met TJ’s mystery friend.” Mom said with a secretive grin, “TJ assures me he’s not married nor is he anything more than a friend.”

“Bullshit mom.” Douglas said noticing the blush on TJ’s face.

“At the time, we were just friends; I also said I didn’t know where this was going. I see him often. He’s private, he’s not quite out yet, but he’s not a politician, nor is he married or otherwise involved.”

“So he’s not a scandal waiting to happen?” Dougie couldn’t resist teasing. If teasing was the right word.

“I never know which thing I do will be a scandal Dougie.” TJ smirked. He nodded at the server when his coffee was set in front of him. TJ took a sip to hope the conversation naturally redirected from him and “James.” _This_ was why he’d been busy and unavailable for the past weeks. Well, this and happy days and nights spent with Bucky and Eddie in their pretend family. Scratch that, their real family in their makeshift world. “So, how are you and Annie getting along? Has the honeymoon phase ever taken a turn into the breeding phase?”

Douglas nearly choked on his wine, Elaine decided not to reprimand TJ for the poke at his brother, since she had been tempted to slap the back of Douglas’ head, or at the very least, flick his ear for antagonizing TJ.

“Can I ask how you’ve been enjoying your therapy sessions? You seemed excited when you’d last mentioned it to me.” Elaine asked TJ.

TJ smiled. He finally had someone in addition to Bucky with whom to share his concerns. One other person who knew his secrets, short of Bucky’s identity, the therapist knew that there was a complicated history and that TJ was coping with a future loss before it happened. “Well, _enjoying_ might be a bit… ambitious, but it is good to finally find someone I can confide in. Previous therapists were disinterested and insincere. I don’t live in fear that this one is going to sell out my darkest thoughts. Hey, so how’s dad?”

The server came around to take everyone’s food order, before anyone could answer the question, which bought TJ extra minutes of peace.

TJ listened to political speak, hearing nothing interesting, trying to stay engaged all the same. Their discussion glazed over what might be happening with Bud Hammond, he saw a look cross his mother’s eyes that made him sad for her. It couldn’t be said that she was passionless or heartless, and she gave so much of it to the crass bear that was his father.

“So, he’s at it again.” TJ finally said. “How do I sit here under scrutiny for doing nothing wrong and he’s out there…”

“Thomas.” Elaine put her hand over TJ’s as it fumbled with the butter knife on the table. “You’re not, I’m not scrutinizing you. Douglas is being a shit.” She flashed a look at her youngest son, “I’m genuinely interested in what’s happening with you. One day, when James feels comfortable, if he ever feels comfortable coming out, I’ll be eager to meet him. Until then, you give him a message from me. You tell him that I’m very happy with the way he’s treating you. He makes you happy?”

TJ closed his eyes briefly, processing the kind tone and the kinder words as his mother’s soft fingers held his in a strong grip briefly. “Thanks Momma.” TJ said, his voice catching. “Thank you. He does. He really – I think we both make each other happy.”

Douglas stepped on his next question, knowing it would only earn him the wrath of his mother, something other than this guy “not being out yet” smelled funny to Douglas. Instead, he asked a more acceptable question, “TJ, you can understand there are red flags here, right? He’s not going to hurt you like Jacob did?”

“I have no red flags, I’m sorry my keeping his identity from you is sending you red flags Dougie, but his identity is his. He has to do it on his own terms. I’ll bring him around as soon as he’s able. I want nothing more than to share him with everyone. It’s all part of the therapy Dougie. I’m working on it. I can’t say neither of us will hurt the other. I’m just going to hope not.”

TJ left the lunch feeling as though a load were lifted. He wasn’t supposed to be lying in his recovery, and he’d been avoiding people so that he’d be responsible for fewer lies. Today he embraced any of the truth he could that surrounded his relationship with Bucky and he gave it earnestly. His mother was the blessing from the day, hearing the words he was saying. His brother could still be a problem, especially if at any point he said something to his father. They’d no doubt start looking into things a lot more cynically. He’d just have to hope his mother’s greater common sense would root itself before Dougie had a chance to go down that particular road.

* * *

Bucky left the bar with a smile on his face. He’d gotten a text that TJ was with his mom as he was putting his gear in the pack on the bike. He’d have a few minutes to do something nice for TJ. He stopped for a bundle of flowers being sold by a street vendor and made a quick stop at the store for a few special ingredients before heading back to his apartment. Bucky hoped that TJ’s time with his mother wasn’t too disappointing.

Neither of them had had any huge emotional meltdowns in weeks, the biggest drama being both of them adjusting more and more to the intricacies of living with someone beyond love, and sex.

Bucky had remembered moments of roommate frustration from a century past and laughed in the face of one of TJ’s rants. “Things are more the same than different,” he said with a grin when TJ stopped and put his hands on his hips, disappointed at being laughed at.

TJ had asked for an explanation and dissolved into giggles when Bucky told him he wasn’t any better roommate than Steve Rogers had been.

With peace in their home, Bucky didn’t want an impromptu lunch to be the catalyst for tears or other heartache. He was getting used to being happy, and he liked it. He also liked his happy TJ.

The place was sparkling and smelled like a dream when TJ turned the key. “You’re home early.”

“Alec kicked me out. How was your lunch date?” Bucky kissed TJ quickly as TJ put his hands on Bucky’s waist to pass him and try to peek into the oven.

TJ stopped, kissing back, before answering, “Not as horrible as I expected. I was shockingly honest with Mom about you. It felt good to be able to be honest Bucky.”

“What kind of honesty?” Bucky wasn’t terribly concerned, but a prickle of something hummed over his skin.

“I told her we’re more involved than just friends, and that you’re not ready to come out yet. When you are, I’ll be happy to present you to the family. They don’t need to know that the “out” you’re not ready for is your identity. They can fill in the blanks.”

“This was enough?”

“For mom? Yeah, for Dougie? “Red flags”.” TJ said with a mocking voice and air-quotes. “I told him there were no red flags for me, I know everything about you. He doesn’t because it’s your right to privacy. Now are you going to let me see why the apartment smells like heaven or not?” TJ brushed his fingers along Bucky’s waist, touching skin where the shirt was untucked.

“Or you could be surprised?” Bucky tugged TJ closer, kissing his throat. “God I love you.”

“Distractions are powerful tools. Italian, right?” TJ smirked, tugging Bucky’s t-shirt from the waistband the rest of the way and tickling his back.

“Lasagna, you imp.” Bucky backed TJ toward the table, “Look baby, I got you flowers.”

TJ looked at the large bundle of colorful blooms in a pitcher of water, “Bucky.” He kissed Bucky tenderly, “what’s the occasion?”

“Just because I love you? Because I could? I had time to stop, and they reminded me of you, cheerful and vibrant.”

“Any one of those would have been sufficient,” TJ took an orange bloom from the bouquet, brushing it’s petals over his lips before tickling Bucky’s chin and neck with it, “I love you.”

“So,” Bucky kissed TJ’s neck. “I just wanted to buy you flowers.”

“That’s the best one.” TJ smirked, tugging Bucky close. “I love it, I love them, most of all, I love you. How long before Lasagna?”

“Didn’t you just come from lunch?”

“I did, but it’s hard to eat and discuss all the reasons I’m elusive lately at the same time. I take it that food will be a while then?”

“It’s about halfway there. We’ll have leftover lasagna for a week, but it was worth it.”

“Leftover lasagna is the best. Pop it in the oven and get it good and hot, so much better than the first day. Not that it won’t be perfect tonight.”

“Nice save.” Bucky said, crinkling his nose. “so your day was good?”

“Dougie’s usually less of a pain in the ass, would have been better if he’d stayed home. But yeah, it was nice.”

“He loves you.”

“I know, and I’ve made stupid choices and he’s not wrong about this one. It’s all kinds of red-flag worthy, but not for the reason he thinks. Just because you need to stay safe.”

“I’m lucky to have you TJ. If you ever get tired of lying and covering for me, I know it’s not fair to you.”

“I’m not letting you go. I can’t bring you up to them, unless you’re ready – not thinking about me, but ready for whatever might happen. So no. I will continue to do exactly what we’ve been doing. You’re stuck with me.”

“No place I’d rather be.” Bucky hooked his thumbs into the waistband of TJ’s pants, “none.”

TJ kissed Bucky again, slowly and deeply before pulling away to look at him with a smirk, “Ok then. That’s settled, again. Movie night?”

“Movie night. I want – are we caught up on the ‘classics I need to see’?”

“Not even close.” TJ laughed, “What do you want to see instead of a legit recommendation?”

“Something new. I – maybe you could rent something you haven’t been able to see because of me.”

“We should try to go to a theater movie one of these days. It’s dark, nobody will notice.”

“Nobody?”

“Maybe nobody? I mean we could meet there, it’s a lot less obvious if I show up alone.”

“Let’s look into the possibilities, as for tonight, How ‘bout one of the newest to digital?”

TJ flipped through his phone finding new releases, “Action or Romance? Or Comedy?”

“You choose.”

“Romance. Flowers and lasagna definitely reek of romance.” TJ put his phone on the counter and took plates to the table.

“You just want to see something sappy.” Bucky filled two glasses with ice before topping them off with a clear, sparkling soda. “So you can snuggle with me and not have to close your eyes.”

“No, so I can snuggle with you and not have _you_ closing _your_ eyes.” TJ teased back.

Bucky smiled, “It wasn’t that long ago that I had no interest in any of it, and now, our movie nights mean a lot to me, and it doesn’t matter which movie genre we decide on.”

“You and your innate ability to derail me.” TJ shook his head, peeking into the oven at the lasagna, watching as Bucky sat on the smallish chair, with his legs stretched out in front of him.

“I’ll stop talking. You’d love quiet me. I’m a mystery.”

“I have a feeling quiet you is just as annoying as not-quiet you.” TJ said with a sour face, “So keep talking. Romance it is, since you bought your boyfriend flowers.”

“Is that what you are TJ? Are you my boyfriend?” Bucky held his hand out, reaching across the space of the kitchen until TJ took his offered hand, “I hope that’s what you are TJ.”

TJ’s hand brushed along Bucky’s fingers, before tightening over the wide palm. He had no problem with Bucky’s metal arm, but this one time, on this occasion, Bucky chose to use his right hand to touch him, emphasizing his personal question that was offered with hope, coupled by the warm, calloused fingers of Bucky’s flesh hand – as if he wanted to _feel_ TJ’s answer. TJ looked from Bucky’s eyes to his hand and back, feeling the blood coloring his cheeks, “Of course.” He said, without the signature sass, “Of course that’s what we are Bucky.”

“I’m glad you weren’t just being sassy. I mean I like the sarcasm, but sometimes…”

“Sometimes you want me to be genuine.”

“You’re amazing, you should always be genuine, and anyone who disputes that should reevaluate themselves first.”

“I’m really working on that. I think I’m doing pretty well too. I swear to you Bucky, I want that. I want to call out to the world, and appear on talk shows and say you’re my boyfriend, you’re my partner, and I’d be in heaven if I could call you my husband.”

“TJ, did you just propose to me?” Bucky’s smile was wistful.

“I didn’t – but maybe I did? I mean – no. No Bucky. I did _not_ propose to you. Not yet, because you deserve a real proposal, a decent one that is planned and that you don’t question, one where I don’t say “I think so”. So NO. But it’s a definite sign for the future. I promise you, when I do, you’ll know it for what it is.”

“It’s probably better this way. Save it for when we can actually show our faces.” Bucky said, giving TJ’s hand a squeeze before releasing it to get back to preparing the salad for dinner. “I’m excited to see how you do it.”

“Me too.” TJ grinned. “Thanks for giving me time to plan. Thanks for not getting your feelings hurt too.”

“Why would I? You excitedly professed how much you love me. Besides, maybe I’ll surprise you and be the one to do it.”

TJ shook his head, grinning. “Let’s back up a few and let me tell you how delicious dinner smells again.”

“Ok.” Bucky sat back against the chair back, and folded his arms, “I’m waiting.”

“Seriously? Ok, it’s really making me hungry, and I’ll bet it’s gonna be good. Like I’m ‘glad we’re going to have leftovers’ good.”

“Thanks TJ.” Bucky smiled, he was happy. Every day, there was a new promise that things would be ok, a new thing to add to “the list”. This one just happened to be the best one. Even if TJ was joking with him about dinner in order to cover his embarrassment.


	34. Chapter 34

TJ straightened his flowers, there were a few blooms that had faded in the past day or two, but he’d pulled them out, discarded the bad ones and trimmed the stems, putting the refreshed flowers into a couple of pasta sauce jars. One sat on the counter and the other on the table. He cleaned the apartment, singing and whistling while he swept around and under Eddie.

They’d decided to have Lee, Alec, and Matt over for a game of Cards Against Humanity. It had been Lee’s idea to play and Bucky’s smiling idea to invite everyone over. TJ had been over the moon with the perfectly ordinary, normal invitation. The past weeks of TJ’s therapy and Bucky’s stress free days were paying off.

TJ turned up the music, before heading into the bathroom to tidy it up. He had to remember to put the keyboard back into his car so he could return it to The Dome.

The night he’d brought it home, he teased Bucky by playing “Bella Notte”. The humor was lost on Bucky, ok so it was lasagna and not spaghetti, but TJ thought it was hilarious, so TJ introduced Bucky to Lady and the Tramp instead of a new romance as they’d discussed.

Bucky didn’t mind, he loved the movie, the fact that there were dogs involved made him ask TJ why they hadn’t seen it already.

“I honestly forgot about it.” TJ said, “Your pasta and my silly surprise reminded me.”

“It’s not silly, I hope you’ll be able to play more before you have to return it.”

“Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll play more, and then I can take it back when I clean up for the game.”

TJ replaced the towels, thinking about guests coming and trying to visualize the list of things he needed to do. The work made him curious, could he do this at home? He’d justified the cleaning service, not wanting to put someone out of work, but who was he kidding? There were people all over the city who would sweep up the great service. He didn’t mind cleaning up after himself, and that was new.

TJ took the old towels from the bathroom and tossed them into the laundry basket, he had a load in at home and when he swung by The Dome, he’d put those in the dryer and toss these in the wash.

TJ’s phone rang, and he stopped to check the display. He picked up Bucky’s call, the only one he’d probably answer today.

“Hey there sexy.” TJ said.

“Hi” Bucky answered, his voice silky.

“What’s up?”

“I was just calling to say ‘hi’. How’s it going?”

“I have the towels to wash and food to pick up. The place is immaculate.”

“I was also calling about the food. You have one less errand. Matt’s got that covered.”

“Oh, ok. Ok, yeah, I agree. That’s a good call.” TJ smiled, thinking of Matt’s cooking. “Is Carol coming too?”

“Yeah, he said she was looking forward to an irreverent night.”

“Do you have drinks covered?” TJ asked.

“No booze.” Bucky said, “What do you think we should have instead, soda?”

“Your friends can drink Bucky. _Bucky_ – I’m going to have to call you Buck all night.”

“Why? You call me ‘asshole’, ‘baby’, ‘sweetheart’, why can’t you call me ‘Bucky’?”

“Oh shut up.” TJ smiled at the phone, “I’m going to let you go so I can finish collecting towels and get them and the keyboard to my car. Seriously though.”

“Seriously? They’re looking for “James Buchanan Barnes” and yeah people know “Bucky” is one of my nicknames, but the papers are always printing “The Winter Soldier” and “James Buchanan Barnes” so that’s what’s in people’s heads.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“It’s not like it’s a stretch, and they’re our friends. They’d hide me before they’d sell me out.”

“You think so?” TJ couldn’t help but agree, then again his judgment was always being called into question.

“I’m learning to trust, and I trust the people who will be in our home. Now go do your thing. I love you TJ.”

“Yeah, I know “work Cinderella”. TJ teased. “I love you too. See you soon.”

“You’re no Cinderella. Thanks for doing much more than you have to. The place is fine TJ. Your enthusiasm is always refreshing.”

“I’m excited. Should I be excited? This was a good idea, right? Ok, yes – friends. I’m stopping.”

“Slow down TJ.” Bucky’s voice was tender. “I feel safe, we deserve this. Drinks?”

“Oh yeah. Drinks. I’ll pick some stuff up at The Dome since I’m headed there. The crafted sodas are amazing. Tell everyone BYOB. If you don’t at least _tell them,_ I’ll be upset with you. Let them make their own decision _without influencing them_.”

“You got it sweetheart.” Bucky smiled as he thought about TJ’s resilience, “again, I love you. Have a good day, don’t freak out, and I’ll see you soon.”

“Love you.” TJ ended the call and made his first trip out to the car, hoisting the keyboard and calling Eddie to follow him.

 _“That dog’s supposed to be on a leash.”_   Some helpful neighbor pointed out when they were in the lot.

“I know, sorry. He has it on, I had my hands full.” TJ adjusted the keyboard in his arms as if to add “obviously.” “Come on Ed. Let’s go home.”

TJ put the keyboard in the trunk and Eddie in the back seat. He turned to see the helpful person walking toward the building opposite Bucky’s. He shook his head as he locked the car before returning to the apartment for the small laundry basket.

“Fucking helpful asshole.” TJ muttered. He hurried through the apartment, tossing extra kitchen towels on top of the load, and wasted no time getting to the car. Paranoia had him imagining the guy breaking into the car for the keyboard, being mauled by an overprotective dog, and all hell breaking loose. Of course, none of that happened, and TJ put the laundry basket on the passenger seat.

“We’re not gonna let it be one of those days Eddie. Dude wanted to be helpful, he could have offered a hand. We’ll be the opposite of him, right pal?”

* * *

Bucky was looking forward to the ‘party’. He understood TJ’s nerves, he had them too, but he meant it when he said that he believed his friends would hide him before selling them out. He’d heard about the card game from Lee, Matt had laughed and shared some photos of his favorite hands in the game, and Bucky had asked TJ what he knew about the game.

“OH Man!” TJ had laughed, much like Matt had. “That’s some good fun, I’ve had more fun with that game sober than some of my less sober friends have. You might be a little challenged from the pop culture aspect, but you’re a smart ass with a dirty mind, so I’m definitely putting money on you having some great hands.”

He’d gone on to explain the game and even gave a rundown on certain pop culture aspects of the game that would benefit Bucky. Bucky felt prepared, irreverent was the main rule, TJ had told him. “Don’t be PC and **don’t** worry about offending anyone. Each hand hinges on how well you know the person holding the black card. It’s offensive, and that’s half the fun.”

“You ready for tonight Buck?” Matt asked as he brought out an order.

“No. I mean – yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about that. I’m looking forward to it. TJ will kill me if I don’t mention it, so it’s BYOB.”

“He’s gonna be offended if one of us doesn’t bring beer or some shit, right?”

“I think so. If you have anything stronger, I wouldn’t be opposed to whiskey.” Bucky smiled, “I mean I won’t be bringing it, but I’ll have a splash.”

“You’re on. If you don’t think…”

“I don’t. I’ve had beer in the fridge this whole time, and he hasn’t even had that. Kid’s serious this time Matty.”

“Good for him. He’s had it rough. I think you should skip the announcement, I’ll bring a bottle, and that should satisfy him, right?”

“You’d think so, except, I was _informed_ that I was _required_ to tell _everyone_.”

“You think three bottles is a bit much though?”

“I don’t know. I’m not gonna start policing TJ. I’ll pass the word and everyone can bring whatever, just _take it home_.”

“You got it Buck.” Matt laughed, “Probably the best solution.”

“I hope so. It’s all about trust and I trust him. I was also raised not to eat in front of people, so I feel self-conscious drinking in front of him, y’know?”

“You ever explain it like that?”

“No, not exactly. Could try it, I guess.” Bucky laughed at himself, “I’m still getting the hang of this relationship thing.”

“Seems as if it’s working out well. You said he’s actually enjoying therapy?”

“Yeah, and y’know? Neither of us have had a real screwy moment since he’s been going. I take an equal amount of time reading, and he talks to me about what he feels he can from his sessions, and I’ll be damned if I don’t learn a thing or two. I’m gonna have to look into it myself someday.”

“There’s programs out there for vets Buck.”

“Yeah, I’ll have to do some research, thanks Matt.” Bucky went to check on customers and Matt went into the back. Bucky was glad it wasn’t too busy, it would have been perfect if all of his shifts were like this, just a few people in and out all day, the rushes still bothered him, and the dead times just dragged by.

Lee bounced in about an hour before his shift would be ending, “Say Buck! Party night! You excited?”

“I am. I still can’t believe you managed to con someone into closing so that all of my favorite people could come over.”

“Hey, you said party – I didn’t want to disappoint. I texted TJ and he said “BYOB” is he serious?”

“Yes – and please bring something. I’m afraid it’ll hurt his feelings if everyone tiptoes around it. I’m excited for him to have a good time; he’s been looking forward to it. I’d hate if being careful put him in a bad mood.”

“I gotcha. He’s a grownup, right?” Lee grinned. “So – I brought the cards, you wanna crash course?”

“A guy says he’s never heard of something, and the next thing you know everybody has something to show him.” Bucky complained. “Sure, what deviant thing do _you_ have in store for me?”

“I just thought we could a quick three person hand, one round, to get you ready.”

“Ok, you think you can embarrass me, go right ahead.”

“I think I can make you laugh your ass off. Of course, the cards have to cooperate.”

“No worries there Lee. Carol and I went through them and put all the darkest, most terrible cards in the front. We’re not having any lame hands tonight.”

“That’s cheating.” Lee complained.

“No more cheating than singling out a particular expansion pack. We just want the fun and dirty ones.” Matt waggled his eyebrows. “You dealin’ or am I?”

“Fine, here.” Lee handed a stack of cards to Matt. “Deal for a full game just so we can get some good options. Stop me if I get carried away, you two have work to do.”

Three black cards, three turns, and Lee making Bucky laugh so hard he couldn’t breathe with her card combo for his black card. “My mom freaked out when she looked at my browser history and found a big black dick.com/a bigger blacker dick.” “You suck” Matt told her, with a dramatic fake scowl.

“SO, take it up with TJ when he deals the first hand – your rematch has to wait until tonight sucka.” Lee teased. “Brody’s in the back – I heard his beast of a pickup, so you guys should pack up.”

Bucky started to drop his till while the other two talked. His thoughts centered around the fun of the game and heading home a little early to help TJ get things set up.

“I have to get tonight’s stuff squared away for Brody’s shift and then I’ll head out. We’ll be there on time – Carol won’t let me be late to anything – so tell TJ not to stress about food arriving late.”

“I’m going to hope TJ’s not stressing about anything. He’s been cleaning the apartment all day but he said he was enjoying it.” Bucky locked his cash in the lock bag.

“Tell him I’ll pass the word to Alec about the BYOB thing. Your boyfriend is a peach.” Lee said, hugging Bucky’s arm before picking up the cards and putting them back in her bag. “Walk me out?”

“Sure, let me put this in the safe and get my things.”

Lee waited at the edge of the bar, grabbing Bucky by the arm as he walked past. “So, when are you and Teej gettin’ hitched?”

“What?” Bucky turned to look at her.

“Oh, I’m teasing, but you two are the cutest.”

“He almost – kind of asked me. I mean, he said some things and I made him feel awkward about it, and he promised that I wouldn’t have to ask if he was proposing, “ _when it happens_ ”.”

“Aww Buck. That’s the cutest thing.”

“Please don’t say anything in front of the others. I told you – I made him feel awkward and I don’t want anyone teasing about that tonight.”

“I won’t say a word. I want to be the first person you tell.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s going to be the case. I’m giving TJ all the space he needs for this, because he’s going to therapy, and he’s doing well there. He’s making some plans for his career, and all of that would be so much more compounded weight if he had to worry about that too.”

“Maybe he’s giving you space too. Maybe every once in a while the two of you should just talk about it, and then decide you’re gonna mutually propose.”

“I’d have to meet his family first, and I’m not ready for that yet either.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna need a night of you and me drinkin’ first.” Lee laughed. “Or maybe after it happens.”

“Lee, you’re amazing.”

“Of course I am.” She responded seriously. “I’ll see you in a while. Let me know if you or TJ need help and I can come early.”

“I’ll do that. Be careful and see ya soon.”

Bucky got on the bike, waiting for Lee to pull out of the lot in her orange Subaru. She waved as she passed him and he turned the motorcycle around and followed her out of the driveway, turning right, toward home.

* * *

TJ looked around the apartment, it was clean, and music was playing through Bluetooth speakers. Eddie was lounging on the couch and TJ was certain he was forgetting _something_. He checked the refrigerator, finding soda and the mini desserts he’d picked up at The Dome. He didn’t know what Matt would bring, but these had just looked too good to pass up. TJ jumped when he heard the door close, he turned to see Bucky there and shook it off. “You startled me. I didn’t expect you yet.”

“Lee ordered Matt and me to pack it in as soon as Brody showed up. The place looks amazing baby.” Bucky kissed TJ, “we have time to mess it up again, if we don’t go overboard.”

“Mm… as great as that sounds, what if we get so worked up we can’t stop and…” TJ stopped as Bucky’s hands yanked on his waistband, tugging him closer and unfastening his jeans at the same time.

“You tell me you want me to stop, we stop.” Bucky growled into TJ’s neck.

“We have time.” TJ groaned. “What, exactly, did you have in mind?”

“Something quick and dirty.” Bucky said huskily.

“We can’t ever be quick about the dirty.” TJ laughed as Bucky’s fingers slid beneath his boxer briefs. “Suck each other off and then fix the resulting sex hair – we have time for that.”

“Sounds good to me.” Bucky smirked, kissing TJ hungrily. “Kitchen?”

“Why move? We’re here.” TJ answered into Bucky’s mouth, arching toward Bucky’s hands where they still hadn’t reached his eager cock.

Bucky laughed as he covered TJ’s arousal with his fingers, slowly stroking the warm skin beneath TJ’s underwear. TJ groaned and arched into the touch. “Fuck.”

Bucky sank to his knees, his hands dragging TJ’s pants over his hips as he did. TJ latched his fingers in Bucky’s hair with a moan as Bucky took his time. Bucky looked up at TJ with a grin, to see TJ’s chest rising and falling with his heavy breaths, and his white teeth as they clenched his bottom lip. TJ tugged on Bucky’s hair with one hand, and caressed his face with the other, caught between lust and adoration.

“Just do it.” TJ breathed, caught up with emotion.

He groaned as Bucky did as ordered, chuckling at TJ as he did.

TJ let out a litany of curse words, sighs, and moans that intensified with his climax. He tugged on Bucky’s hair lightly and melted to his knees in front of Bucky, gripping Bucky’s jaw in both hands, kissing him urgently.

“You ok?” Bucky asked between TJ’s nips on his lip, both breathless.

“You… I mean… I – god I love you Bucky.” TJ pushed Bucky backward, on his knees, into the hero pose, while TJ bowed in front of him, licking just below Bucky’s navel, and unfastening his jeans.

TJ stroked Bucky with his fingertips and his tongue, feather-light touches alternated with firm, textured pressure from the breadth of TJ’s tongue. TJ moved his hands across Bucky’s Adonis and around to knead his glutes, Bucky panted and moaned leading up to his orgasm, when he gasped TJ’s name along with a host of affirmations.

TJ ran his hands up Bucky’s chest under his t-shirt and sweater. “Is that my sweater?” TJ teased, capturing Bucky’s lips with his own.

“I like this sweater, it’s soft. I also get great tips when I wear this sweater.”

“It’s too small for you is why. You’re built better than me, it shows how well defined your chest and shoulders are.”

“You want me to take it off?”

“Not until everyone leaves. We are running out of time.” TJ nipped Bucky’s lower lip and kissed him again. “You’re legitimately off work tomorrow? We get to spend all day doing nothing, nothing but more of this, right?”

“Yes. All day. Can we go to your place?”

“If we feel like leaving the house, yes, absolutely. Ok, get up.” TJ patted Bucky on the arm, “It is a soft sweater.”

“Your fashion advisor works wonders.” Bucky teased.

“I’ll have you know, you’re absolutely correct. I wonder if I could do as well for myself.” TJ stood up, tucking himself into his clothes, and fastened his jeans. “I think I want a little more autonomy.”

“I think you should do whatever makes you feel good, and I think you’d do a fantastic job picking things _you like_.” Bucky zipped his jeans and pulled his shirts down before standing. “Do you think we’re presentable?”

“You look amazing. You might want to smooth out your hair a little. I’m going to go see what damage you’ve done to mine.”

“Leave it, keep ‘em guessing.” Bucky teased.

“You’re so fuckin weird.” TJ laughed as he headed into the bathroom. “It’s not so bad.” He called out after looking in the mirror.

“I tried to tell you.” Bucky washed his hands in the kitchen sink after straightening the rug. “Hey, I think the message got out to everyone. You texted Lee because you didn’t think I’d keep my promise, and I told Matt. Lee said she’d pass it along to Alec.”

“I’m sorry I’m being an asshole about it, but I don’t want everyone to be weird.”

“It’s like the bad manners handbook? You know, don’t eat in front of people.” Bucky turned to see TJ in the bathroom doorway.

“I think the basis for that is “offer your guests food”. It’s not “if they decline, stop eating immediately”. Listen, I go to lunch with my mother and brother, and they both order more than one. It bothers me because they don’t seem to see anything wrong with their _need_ to go to that particular comfort, and yet all bets are off if I even look at the glass in their hands.

“I can get you a beer, I can pour drinks for everyone, and I can sit and play games with all of you, while everyone enjoys their drinks. What I don’t want to do, I can’t deal well when the topic of conversation moves to alcohol or other people’s addict relatives. I just want to be treated as a normal person. I’d be a happy, happy man if everyone tried a soda, because those things are amazing. I’d even be ok if you spiked your sodas, as long as you humor me and taste them first. But I _just want to be normal_ Bucky.”

Bucky watched as TJ crossed to the kitchen, and leaned against the counter. He put his arms around TJ’s waist. “You got it sweetheart. I know you’re getting anxious. I am too. Deep breath, you know everyone but Carol, and you might as well know her too, for all the texts you two have swapped, and for all that Matty talks about her.”

“You’re right, I know it’s anxiety. You’ve been reading again.”

“Guilty. Is there anything we need to do before Lee shows up early – she’s gonna show up early.”

“Is she early for everything?”

“Pretty much. She did offer to drop by early to help.”

“I’m glad she didn’t come early.” TJ grinned. “If there’s no evidence from a few minutes ago, I think everything’s ready.”

“I checked it out myself, even straightened the rug.”

“Only thing straight in this apartment.” TJ nipped Bucky’s lip in a kiss.

“Yup. Hey, we should walk Eddie before everyone gets here, I think that will keep us on his good side.”

“We’re always on his good side, but yeah, we should be able to get through the party if we do. Eddie?” TJ watched the dog look up, his ears tweaked, “Leash.”

Eddie retrieved the leash from the basket that had taken up residence by the door, mirroring what he was used to at TJ’s, and brought it to TJ.

They were heading back toward the apartment when Lee pulled in next to TJ’s car. “Little help?” She called through the window.

“Sure thing gorgeous.” TJ said, handing the leash to Bucky. “Whatcha got?”

“Cards, booze, and a card table and chairs.”

“I’ll take the booze, you can take the rest.” TJ teased, winking at Lee. She popped the hatch and he pulled out the table and two chairs. “Maybe I should have taken the dog.”

“Maybe you should have.” Bucky laughed, taking the chairs from TJ. “hand me two more, we can use ours for the extra.”

“Buck, let me get them.” Lee said, coming around to the back and being waved off with a smirk. “He’s so stubborn.”

“Why? He can handle a couple of chairs.”

“Four? TJ.” She furrowed her brow, and he laughed.

“You’re worried about his prosthetic? He’s as capable as anyone, sweetheart. More so even.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Trust me. He’s fine.” TJ continued to chuckle, carrying the table alongside Lee, watching Bucky’s ass as he walked ahead. “He’s fine.”

“TJ, you’re so juvenile.”

“So are you. Tell me you weren’t looking at that ass. You knew _exactly_ what I was talking about.”

“Does it bother you when I ogle your boyfriend?”

“It bothers me when you don’t ogle me.” TJ said with a smirk.

“Trust me, you can’t see it, but I do.” Lee crinkled her nose. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

TJ stepped up to the door and handed Bucky the table when he turned back from setting the chairs inside.

“You can help set up the table. There’s really nothing else to do til Matt gets here with the food.” TJ said, knowing that “sit down” would get him more trouble than it was worth.

“I can do that. Here Buck, let me.” Lee reached for the table, “Those are lovely flowers, whose are they?”

“Mine, he surprised me with them, and lasagna the other day.” TJ felt his cheeks heat, he was blushing over flowers, great.

“Lucky guy.”

“You’re not gonna tease him about it in front of everyone, are you?” TJ asked cautiously. “I’d hate for embarrassment to be the reason I never get any more flowers.”

“Very Funny TJ.” Bucky said with a frown, followed by a wink.

“It was really a nice surprise, the whole thing. But then again, he’s just sweet like that.”

“He’s a good catch.” Lee agreed, squaring the table legs before righting the table. “I love your place, it’s so cozy.”

“See? I said cozy too.” TJ watched as Bucky continued to blush. “Did you have anything that needs to go into the fridge?”

“The drinks can go into the cooler. Hey Eddie. You’re so quiet, I almost forgot you were here.” Lee sat on the sofa, scratching the dog’s ears. “In a house of handsome fellas, you’re the most handsome. You know that? You’re just the best lookin’ guy.”

“He’s soaking all that up, when his head gets as full as TJ’s we’re sending him to live with you.” Bucky crinkled his nose at Lee.

“Who? TJ?” Lee asked with a giggle. “TJ, you wanna come live with me?”

“If he’s so quick to give me away, then yes. I’m moving.” TJ called over his shoulder from the kitchen. “I’d thought flowers were a sign of something more special than just shoving me off on your most supportive friend, but if that’s how he feels…”

“Is this how tonight’s going to be?” Bucky cringed, “You guys, please just let me have Matt on my side? Ok?”

“We’ll let Matt choose sides, Carol too. You could maybe have Alec.” Lee said, answering the knock on the door. “Speaking of Matt and Carol! Come in, oh wow, you went crazy.”

TJ turned to see the armload that Matt was carrying, and the bags that Carol was handing to Bucky.

“Buck, TJ, this is my better half, Carol, Buck’s the scruffy one and TJ’s the cute one.”

“Hey! I thought I was the cute one?!” Lee objected.

“ _You’ve_ already met Carol, fine, the _other cute one_. Is that better Leelee?”

“You’ve barely scraped by mountain man.” Lee frowned.

TJ smiled at the bickering, and said a quiet hello to Carol.

“I’m sorry, I tried to leave him home, but he said he needed to be here to carry the food. I didn’t know what to do at that point.”

“Sometimes you have to make hard choices.” TJ said with a smile. “Make yourself comfortable, can I get you anything to drink?”

“Give me an hour I’ll drink a beer. Right now, I’m fine, thank you TJ.”

TJ watched Carol as she helped Bucky and Matt with the food, he guessed her to be 15 years older than he was, and he knew she had at least 5 years on Matt, and she acted as youthful as Lee, who was – again TJ was guessing – 5 years younger than TJ. He liked Carol, could see why Matt thought the sun rose and set with her. She laughed at his jokes, she worked in tandem with him, and she was funnier than Matt was.

Eddie circled the newcomers, meeting Carol and Matt with sniffs and practiced “nobody feeds me” eyes, before Bucky slipped him something from one of the containers Matt had brought. TJ scowled at him, but they both knew that Bucky wouldn’t ever endanger Eddie.

With the cutesy names that were being thrown around, like Matty and, Leelee, TJ wasn’t worried about slipping and calling Bucky by name. He would just be part of the crowd at this point.

Lee put her hand on TJ’s arm and squeezed as she stepped away from the din of the kitchen to answer her phone. He guessed it was Alec by her tone, and by the directions that she was giving. “See now you’re gonna have to turn around. I don’t understand, can’t you get the GPS to do this? I think you should have to pass some kind of test to have a smart phone.”

TJ caught her eye and grinned, happy for the first time in a long time. He couldn’t remember the last time he was truly happy around other people. He was going to have to remember, these are friends, this was how friends could be, how his friends should be.

“Hey TJ,” Matt called from the kitchen, “Have you created any new good eats?”

“You’d have to ask that one. I think it’s all been acceptable. He’s made appropriate ‘yummy noises’ in addition to possibly conditioned good manners.”

“You make yummy noises Buck? Why don’t I get yummy noises for my food?”

“I’m pretty sure swooning as I fall through the kitchen door equals or exceeds ‘yummy noises’ Matty.”

“He swoons over your food? I’ve got to step it up. Speaking of food? What did you bring that smells so good?”

“That’s just my cologne.” Matt grinned. TJ saw Carol off to Matt’s side, mouthing, “that’s just my cologne” along with Matt. Must be a tired line, but TJ laughed anyway. One day that would be him and Bucky.

Carol brought a small plate to TJ, “He’s ok, he’s just an idiot.”

“He's your idiot.” TJ added, “He’s actually been amazing, when Bucky’s not teaching me something, Matt is.”

“He could be working in a restaurant, should be, but he likes the people, so he stays. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.”

“No, I was just thinking, the right people make things a helluva lot better. He’s got the right idea. I’ve heard so much about you, I’m glad we could finally meet.”

“I agree with everything you just said TJ.” Carol sat on the arm of the couch next to TJ.

“I hope that whatever you’ve heard about me has come from that one and not the press. I think Matt’s a better judge of character than a rag mag.”

“I never put any store in those things. They’re not fit to line my birdcage. He buys them for me to do just that with though. He thinks he’s funny.”

“You have a bird?”

“Two. Always two TJ. Lovebirds. I know it’s a myth, but why not humor myself, they don’t mind.”

“Two is a good number Carol. The myth must exist for a reason.”

“This is Eddie? He is a good lookin’ dog. Matt keeps talking about heading to the shelter, maybe we wouldn’t get a perfect gentleman, but I could imagine making one happy. The only reason I haven’t agreed yet, is that I’m a sucker and I’d probably end up with more than one.”

“They have plenty.” TJ urged, “I mean “always two” right?”

“TJ that’s what I’ve been telling her! You can listen to TJ Carol-love. He’s a smart kid.”

“He just wants two dogs.” Carol laughed.

“Of course I do, and TJ’s smart… don’t be messin’ with my friends just because you don’t want to lose an argument.”

“You wanna know who’s smarts really should be called into question? This big dummy right here.” Lee piped in, letting Alec into the apartment. “How could you miss it?”

“Lee, you’re a big bully.” Alec teased, hugging her, planting a loud kiss on her neck. “If you’d waited for me, we could have come together.”

“I had to get the table and chairs here early ya mook.” Lee pulled Alec’s face down from his six-and-a-half feet to meet her five-foot-somethin’ face, covering him with messy kisses. TJ looked at her and then at Bucky. Nobody had ever told him they were a thing, and that wasn’t the flirting kind of kissing that she teased Bucky and occasionally TJ with; Bucky shrugged. If there was a story there, or part of one, he’d just have to wait for it to play out.

TJ’s grin was making Bucky smile, strangely, they were nervous smiles for the most part. He wasn't sure why, he’d joked with each of the people here, but he was pretty sure he’d never beamed at them like TJ was beaming, the way TJ was making him want to smile. He made an excuse to go outside, grabbing TJ’s jacket in the process. TJ found him leaning against the rail on the stairs, overlooking the parking lot of the little apartment complex. Bucky had lit a cigarette he’d obviously found and known was in TJ’s jacket.

TJ stayed a few feet back, knowing Bucky knew someone was there. After Bucky took a few puffs from the cigarette, TJ turned to go back inside and Bucky spoke. “Don’t. I’m ok, you know.”

“I figured you just needed a smoke.” TJ said, not turning back yet, knowing they were both telling white lies.

“I’m not lying.” Bucky said, as if he could hear TJ’s thoughts. “I mean I was starting to get a little overwhelmed, but it was good, you know? I mean you were laughing and smiling, and Jesus TJ, you’re beautiful when you’re happy. I was smiling too, would you believe I was self-conscious about smiling in front of them? In front of my friends?”

TJ felt Bucky’s arms slip around his waist. He turned and held Bucky, not letting his own feelings overwhelm him, not letting how that confession made him feel overshadow Bucky’s moment. “You gotta start somewhere. We could start with the question, “you have friends?” Let’s start there.”

Bucky dropped his hand and pinched TJ’s rear, “Stop that.” Bucky reprimanded TJ. “Yes I have friends.”

“Ok, step two, there’s going to be raunchy humor, and laughing. They’re gonna see you smile. They’re going to be _trying_ to get you to smile!”

“Ok, you’re right.” Bucky smacked a kiss on TJ’s neck, not unlike the one that Alec had planted on Lee’s exposed skin. “Smoke’s out, smiling warning has been delivered, I might be able to manage not getting dazed by my own emotions.”

“I’ll be right there. I’ll kick you under the table every once in a while to distract you.”

“Doesn’t sound very nice.”

“Provokes an alternate emotion, should counteract the good ones.” TJ teased, stepping back and looking Bucky in the eye. “You got this? Remember, it was your idea.”

“Provoking an alternate emotion already are you?” Bucky pulled TJ close before removing his arm from around TJ, and slipping his hand into TJ’s.

“It works, see?” TJ opened the door, letting Bucky go ahead. He followed, making eye contact with Lee, “It’s chilly out there, spring is still hanging on. Anyone needs a smoke, get it in before the sun goes down, or remember your jacket.”

Bucky pulled up the chair closest to the door that wasn’t facing away from it. That was the chair that TJ opted for, letting the other former soldiers face the door as well. Carol sat next to Matt, opposite TJ. Lee brought bottles of soda and beer to the table and chose to sit at the corner of the table between TJ and Alec, who was seated opposite Bucky.

The table was dotted with plates of food, the cards were stacked, and everyone drew their ten cards, “So, I gave Buck a crash course today, and I know the rest of you know how to play. TJ, you’ll do the honors?”

“Ok, sure.” TJ grinned, looking at Bucky. “We’ll go ‘round the table to my right.”

“I saw that coming.” Carol teased. “You’re good to be second up Buck?”

“I think I can handle myself.” Bucky nodded. “I managed ok in our practice round.”

As promised, the raunchiest cards were in the front half of the box, every card they put into play had been shuffled, but there were great ones that got play early. The group was relentless, regardless of who was the card czar. Through the night, TJ took pictures of his favorite hands, tossing them on the rug and snapping shots of them, “for blackmail purposes,” Alec teased.

“You know it! I have all the right contacts.” TJ teased, eating one of the best ‘pigs in a blanket’ he’d ever tasted. He was used to all incarnations of every kind of food from redneck eats to highclass hors douvres and sometimes the highclass was just an over-spiced, underrated version of the lowerclass original, you know, to be edgy.

“I think the worst one is _yours_. TJ poked at Bucky’s chest. “You suck.”

“I know, but if it’s that good, and it’s in my hand and I don’t play it, that would be a travesty.”

  

   

“He’s right TJ, you gotta go with the offensive humor – first, it’s the point of the game, and second, if you can’t laugh about what the war gives you, you’re gonna be doin’ somthin’ far more disturbing than playing a tasteless hand.” Alec’s clear voice boomed across the table.

“I’m almost used to his brand of humor, sometimes he still shocks me – usually my histrionics are for his benefit.”

“Besides – I played it on your damned black card and _you liked it best_. Before you knew for sure it was mine.”

“Oh, I knew.” TJ rolled his eyes, “I had a feeling as soon as I saw the first card.”

There was a bunch of chatter while Carol and Matt went through the cards, tittering between themselves as they rearranged them and shuffled them. TJ watched everything quietly while Lee got up, and brought the desserts to the table. She rubbed TJ’s shoulders after she put the dessert shots in the middle where the card stack had been. “You sure you’re ok?” she whispered in his ear.

“Yup, we’ve had these discussions since the first day? Well, the first couple of days anyway. His coping mechanism. I just harass him back now. I think he expects it.”

“I think I’m gonna drag Alec out of here, could we leave my car parked outside til tomorrow?”

“Of course, you’re going to do a dessert shot first, right?”

“Yup, they look amazing. I’ve had my eye on them all night, but after dessert, do you need me to round up the rest of them?”

“So, what’s the big secret?” Matt asked, staring TJ down.

“That you’re a nosy SOB.” Lee answered sweetly. “Carol? Did you two need a ride?”

“Thanks Lee, but we’re ok. I only had the one – well…” She tipped her beer bottle to the light, “maybe three-quarters of the one beer. I’m fine, and he’ll be conscious just long enough to get into the house. We’re going to leave the food here, and take our desserts to go.”

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked, “they’re small, you could probably do them before you go.”

“I’m going to eat both of them while I watch a movie and listen to him snore.” Carol grinned.

“Wait… you’re going to give _all of our food away_ , take a dessert home for me, but eat it yourself? I see how I rate.”

“It came from a restaurant Matty, you’re always saying how you only eat the desserts you fix, why should today be any different?”

Lee had obviously heard this kind of banter before, she was lazily licking the custard from her spoon, smiling. She’d occasionally stick a spoonful in Alec’s face as he meticulously turned the cards all facing the same direction before loading them into the box. Bucky scooted his chair so that he was leaning against TJ’s shoulder, also lazily licking custard from the stupidly small spoon.

“Today’s different because these are from _TJ’s_ club, and obviously they’re good, look at those two, making love to a plastic shot glass.”

“In the time it’s taken for you two to discuss this, you could have eaten one.” Alec said, without looking up from the box. “I think I’ve had about half of one and I haven’t lifted a finger.”

Alec reminded TJ of the nerdiest guy in school, but only right now, organizing cards. TJ had previously assumed that Alec was just this big, blonde biker guy who just might be homophobic. However, Bucky had said he was a good guy, and he trusted Bucky’s instincts. Yet even Bucky could be wrong, right? It didn’t seem to be the case with Alec. TJ had learned that Alec was a good guy, stepping up to cover most of Bucky’s shifts when there was a breakdown, even calling Bucky the next day to see if he needed cover again. Alec had sleeve tattoos that covered scars, Bucky had told TJ. Burn scars over both arms were painted with beautiful colors and names of lost brothers. His military haircut long gone, his blonde hair was almost as long as Bucky’s and nearly as nice.

“Well, your girlfriend is feeding you her dessert. My wife is threatening to eat hers _and mine._ ”

“Again, eat it now, then if there’s more left, Carol can take extra home and still indulge.”

“You know he makes sense.” Bucky pushed a dessert across to Matt. “You also know you want it.”

“Well, that takes all the fun out of it.” Matt said, his alcohol consumption slurring his words slightly.

“You’d rather complain.” Lee said casually. “What a goober.”

“He likes the attention, keep it up.” Carol said, folding her chair and walking to the fridge for some ice water. “You’re just giving him what he really wants. Sympathy. The ‘little woman’ is picking on me.”

“See? She is.” Matt responded with a wink for TJ.

“So, you have your choice Buck. You can either stay cute and weird as you and TJ, and Alec and Lee are now, or you can get married and one of you will always be a big baby.”

“That would be me.” TJ said.

“That would be TJ.” Bucky said at the same time, teasing.

“That’s because one of you will be the bully, picking on the other one. Looks like that’s you Buck.” Matt said as he took his last bite of his dessert.

“Oh, wait, no. That’s much more me.” TJ said, “I’m the one picking all the time. Poor Bucky Bear is the one who gets picked on.”

“Bucky Bear?” Lee hugged Bucky around the neck. “Hey Bucky Bear, we’re gonna head out. You need anything?”

“Nope.” Bucky answered, putting his hands on her arms. “You need me to pack up the table and chairs?”

“No, Matt and Alec will drag them out and load them into my car. I’m leaving my car til morning, TJ said it would be ok.”

“If you want, I can load it up in the morning.”

“No way. You’ve got a bed to fold out, you don’t need furniture in the way. These two are sober enough to manage that before we leave. We’ve already left you with a mess.”

“It’s not so bad, we’ll dump the food into the containers, stick them in the fridge and wash the dishes in the morning.”

TJ gasped, “In the morning? I’ve only seen you do that one other time.”

“It’s a special occasion, I think I deserve a little leeway.”

“Well, I’ll take out the trash while I follow this one to the car.” Carol announced, “And since I put the food out, I can tell you, most everything is already in containers. You’ll have a couple of glasses and bowls to wash, if you’d like, I can take care of those?”

“That’s sweet Carol, but we’ll manage in the morning.” TJ answered, tossing the plastic cup into the bag she brought to the table to clear disposable dishware. “Take your husband home. Thanks for the great food Matt.”

“You betcha TJ.” Matt eased himself up from the chair, smaller than Alec, but bigger than Bucky, TJ was amazed the two of them hadn’t managed to collapse the metal folding chairs. Almost too late, TJ remembered his manners and rose to show their guests the five feet to the door. He was so comfortable with them that it was way too easy to just sit and watch them take their ease in the apartment.

Matt pulled TJ into a big, happy-drunk hug. TJ laughed when Carol slapped him off, “He’s such an oaf.”

“You love him.” TJ argued with a good-natured chuckle. “I kinda like him too.”

“I’ll remember that when he gets really sappy, and I’ll send him back in a cab, he can whisper sweet nothings in your ear while _you_ try to sleep.”

“He just needs a good fuck, Carol.” Lee piped up before TJ could say it.

“I give him that and more, Drunk-Matt wants to cuddle. He clings like a koala.” Carol laughed, holding Matt’s hand in hers, linking their fingers. TJ liked their teasing and he could see why Matt was happy.

Bucky watched his friends in a dynamic he’d never seen them before, and was happy and wistful at the same time. They had no cares beyond the regular daily, and they had no idea they sat, and joked with an assassin. It was scary really; that these people didn’t see how well he blended in with them. He could be on a mission right now and none of them would see it coming, and that thought stabbed at his heart.

TJ was the socialite, seeing everyone out and laughing, but when he closed the door behind everyone, he took Bucky’s hands in his and pulled him close, “You’re having thoughts. Dark thoughts.”

“Do you realize that I could kill everyone that was in this room with very little struggle or mess, even Alec and Matt?”

“I didn’t think about it. Why? You feeling particularly murdery today?”

“I could snap and no one would see it coming.”

“You didn’t, and you won’t. Nobody’s in danger with you near them. You’re soft and delightful, and you had fun. It’s because of your haiku isn’t it?” TJ teased gently.

“Yeah, that must be it.” Bucky curled into TJ’s arms, tucking his chin over TJ’s shoulder and closing his eyes. “I guess.”

“We had fun sweetheart. Everyone left happy. I’m just upset I didn’t get the genetically engineered super soldier card.”

“I’m kinda glad that didn’t come up.” Bucky allowed a smile. “Really glad.”

“I knew you would be. I wouldn’t be able to not play it, and I wouldn’t be able to contain myself.” TJ kissed Bucky tenderly. “Wanna screw around?”

Bucky considered, finding TJ’s flirty playfulness was doing exactly as intended, and kissed TJ back with urgency. “Yes. I definitely wanna screw around.”

TJ tugged on Bucky’s waistband and steered him toward the sofa, where Bucky crashed on top of him, still blindly kissing TJ. Bucky pulled away with a wounded look, “you bit me!”

TJ laughed, kissing the wounded lip and resuming his oral assault until Bucky laughed too, passionately and with abandon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you cant see/or the images for the Cards against Humanity hands don't show up, they're [here](http://steverogersnotebook.tumblr.com/post/154712744010/for-rescue-me-cards-against-humanity-cards)


	35. Chapter 35

TJ woke up with a familiar buzzy, fuzzy-headed feeling. He felt hungover, or was it high? He definitely felt high and hungover. Christ, he’d been here before. He tried to figure out why he was feeling floaty, and he rolled to sit up, and groaned from the intense pain in his lower abdomen.

He felt his mother’s soft hand on his brow and heard her voice before he was able to open his eyes again.

“Tommy, don’t move. Just lie still.” There were other noises, beeps of monitors, and he became aware of the itching, pulling sensation on his arm, he scrubbed at the irritation, and had his hand pulled away by his mom, “Tommy, leave it, it’s ok, it’s mom.”

“I know.” He grumbled, “where? Where is he?”

TJ didn’t like the way his mouth felt sticky and dry at the same time, and he didn’t want all this attention, and whatever was stabbing him in the gut could stop already.

“Eddie? He’s at home. Douglas fed him this morning. He didn’t much like being disturbed.”

“I told Dougie he didn’t like strangers.” TJ moaned. “What’s going on?”

“We hoped you could tell us sweetheart.” Elaine said, confusing TJ even more.

> The morning had started with a large mass of dog on his chest, and he’d looked around the room. He saw the sun coming through the blind-covered windows, brighter than expected. He looked to Bucky’s side of the bed, and all he saw was Eddie sprawled out, his head weighing TJ down. He picked up his phone to find a text, “meet me after work-I couldn’t bear to wake you [little red heart]”
> 
> TJ grinned, he missed a morning kiss, but the cute emoji was a precious communication tool. “Looks like it’s just you an’ me kid.” TJ said to Eddie.
> 
> He pulled on the sweater he’d just complained about Bucky stealing a week ago. The lightweight yellow cashmere sweater was traded back and forth regularly. A pair of jeans and a light leather jacket and he was ready to go. He’d fix a late breakfast, early lunch while making a few calls at his apartment.
> 
> Eddie stopped twice between the apartment and the car, “because what dog pisses and craps in the same spot anyway?” TJ asked Eddie. Eddie carried on as if he were the only dog on the planet.
> 
> TJ spent the morning at his apartment, getting enough time to fix a quick breakfast, a real one, Bucky would be proud to hear, before one of his calls to The Dome had to be upgraded to an in-person meeting. He lingered at The Dome, to talk with the partners about his plan to buy his shares back, per their agreement when Douglas had sold them. It was a weird arrangement, but it always allowed for TJ to reinstate himself properly once he personally felt prepared. He was feeling prepared, at least to start talks.
> 
> The day spun away from him, and it was time to meet Bucky at the bar. The spring weather was holding on with a light sprinkling as TJ drove to the bar, he sent a text while at a traffic light:
> 
> “I’m on my way and I’m starving. Garlic burger please, fries only this time, just craving taters.”
> 
> Bucky texted back almost immediately:
> 
> “Ok, what are we going to do after I’m off? You left Eddie home right? We could go see that new movie you’ve been talking about.”
> 
> TJ was almost to the bar when he had a chance to read Bucky’s message while at yet another traffic light. He was so excited he almost missed an entire green light, if not for the not-so-friendly honk behind him as he hit send:
> 
> “Our first date? We sure do things backwards. Yes! I love the idea SO. MUCH.”

Everything else was pretty blurry as TJ drifted back to sleep, hearing his mother and his father talking, the incessant beeping, and that stabby feeling-not to mention the hair on his arm tugging and something itching in his arm, and a warm, cloudy feeling he was trying to fight. “Bucky” fell from his lips in a hushed mumble.

The next time TJ woke, he still had that drugged feeling, but he was thirsty and had to piss so bad. He tried to roll out of bed, trying to understand why his bed felt so weird and where were those noises coming from? His grandmother’s hand, tender on his shoulder, eased him back. “Whoa there sonny.”

“Nana, I have to…”

“I’m sure you do, I just called for help. You’re not getting up without someone besides me in the room, in case you fall. There he is. I think my grandson has to…”

“Your grandson has to piss, let’s not waste time with introductions.” TJ groused, tugging on the tape on his arm.

The man who came to help was patient where TJ wasn’t, moving TJ’s IV cart with the most insanity inducing slowness TJ could just… His voice was so soothing it was aggravating. TJ gripped the man’s arm when he helped him sit up, hissing at the tearing feeling in his gut.

“Would anyone like to tell me what I’m doing in a hospital and who tried to gut me like a fish?” TJ ground out as he tried to stop the room from swaying. “Fuck, who gave me drugs Nana?”

TJ was ready to cry. His hard work, down the tubes, Bucky would be so disappointed… “Oh god, I’m going to be sick.”

The nice nurse (aide? TJ didn’t know or care which) was ready with a hideous pink tray and TJ almost felt proud when the _nothing_ that was in his stomach managed to hit just the tray and neither the horrible, outdated hospital gown, nor the equally unfashionable scrubs were tainted.

The gunshot, Bucky staring at TJ, scared and confused, Lee on the floor looking up at him. All of those images swirled through TJ’s head as “Neil” helped him into the bathroom and stood by while TJ tried not to swoon, and managed to hit the bowl.

“I was shot.” TJ said dully when he was back on the hospital bed, hooked up again.

“Yes, you were. What on earth TJ?”

“Nana.” TJ moaned. Tears filled his eyes and he wanted to tell someone, anyone. “I can’t.”

“You can tell me.” She seemed to be hurt thinking that he wouldn’t feel able to tell her anything if he needed to.

“I can’t, it’s a secret.” TJ curled into himself the best he could with the strings of IV and the stabbing sensation that was burning off to a dull throb.

“Well, when you wake up, I’ll remind you that I can keep a secret.” Her voice was familiar, comforting, and tender, as were her cool fingers on his temple.

TJ’s dreams were weird and fantastical, and they were terrible and painful, he could tell when the drugs were in his system, and when they weren’t. He liked and hated that the drugs took Bucky away from him. The weird dreams had no trace of Bucky, the painful ones were memories of good and bad times, and they were filled with Bucky’s face. His smiling face, his tormented, anguished face, and his back as he ran away from the bar, away from TJ.

As TJ spent more time awake in the hospital, the police questioned him. They were displeased that he couldn’t remember much, other than someone shooting and him shoving Lee to the floor. He was awake enough that he was released to go home, but he was still taking the drugs. He’d fought Dougie over that. Dougie had essentially moved in with him once he was situated in his apartment. Eddie was careful and wouldn’t leave TJ’s side, and growled at Douglas when their voices rose in argument.

“I don’t want it Dougie! Just stop feeding me pills.”

“Dammit TJ, you heard the doctor, this isn’t going to count against your sobriety if we do it right. I know you’re in pain. The ibuprofen didn’t work.”

“Maybe it will this time.” TJ sulked. He knew the routine, he knew that working with his doctor and therapist could get him through the rough spots. He already felt a failure, and didn’t want to make the spiral.

“TJ, you’ve been such a child the last few days.”

“Fuck you Dougie. You get shot and then we can talk. Besides, I’m being treated like a child, I’m being treated like a criminal, questioned by the police and hounded by the press. I’m fucking depressed and in pain.” TJ had seen his therapist, spilling as much as he could spill, opening up wound after wound by confessing the things he’d hidden from the therapist and the world about Bucky.

Although the therapist said it would go a long way toward his ultimate healing, all TJ felt was a void that was intensified by the pain medication, and not in a good way. It was lonely and terrifying, and not knowing where Bucky was, just compounded that.

“TJ, I’m sorry.” Douglas didn’t know, and he was angry with TJ for not confiding in him. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there, and I’m sorry you resent me. I’m trying.”

“I know.” TJ rolled over in his bed, favoring his injury, “I want to try the ibuprofen again, I don’t like the way these make me feel. Go ahead and laugh.”

“Why would I?” Douglas hated watching something more than physical pain enslaving his brother, he’d thought he’d seen TJ’s worst suffering in the past, but something else, something that didn’t add up was nipping at him. He cautiously approached TJ’s bed, cautious of sending TJ deeper into despair, he and Eddie had come to terms, for the most part. “TJ, your friend James, he didn’t do this to you, did he?”

TJ turned over, glaring daggers at Douglas, before seeing the concern went as deep as his voice implied. “No.” TJ’s tear ducts were on overdrive this week, his eyes filled and tears spilled. “He didn’t do this, but he’s gone. Don’t ask Dougie. I can’t talk about him.”

“Ok. One more question though. Do you talk about him with your therapist?”

“Yeah. I’m tired. I don’t want to go over this anymore.”

“It didn’t play out like it did with Jacob did it?” Douglas dared to ask, before he couldn’t bear the idea and abandoned it.

“No, he’ll be back. He will, it was just… he… He just had to go for a while. Please Dougie, don’t ask any more questions. I’m in pain and I’m tired.”

Eddie nudged his head under TJ’s arm on his thigh, instinctively careful of TJ’s injury.

“Ok. Will you be ok while I go get a few things?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to try to sleep. Don’t forget to take the pills; you wouldn’t want to leave them with someone you don’t trust.”

“Jesus. Whatever TJ.” Douglas shook his head as he left the room, he didn’t think any words would be right. “I trust you not to try to kill yourself” didn’t seem like a good idea, “you keep saying you don’t want them, why would I think you would bother with them” would make for more time arguing. He knew he should have followed up on this James guy. He’d like to get a hold of him for breaking his brother beyond repair. He poked his head back through the bedroom door, “Is there anything I can bring back, please TJ, don’t say James.”

The last part was a tired plea that reached TJ’s heart.

“I’m sorry Dougie. No, I can’t think of anything I need right now. Take a few hours, ok? I’m just going to sleep with Ed here.”

“Ok.”

TJ woke up several hours after Dougie left, he felt heavy, his limbs, his head, just everything was hard to drag through the house. He wandered into the kitchen, looking at his feet, instead of memories that surrounded him. He sat on the couch with a whimper when he felt the wound pull. The doorbell chimed just after he sat down, and he opted to ignore it. Anyone who mattered had a key, and the one person who didn’t have his key wouldn’t be coming around. His phone chimed with a text message, “I’m outside TJ. Let Me In.” it was from Lee. “Door’s unlocked. If it’s not, you’ll have to wait for my brother, I’m not getting up.”

Lee let herself in, “You shouldn’t leave the door unlocked.”

“Why? Someone gonna shoot me? Been there, done that.”

“I come bearing gifts to warm the cockles of your broken heart.”

“Fat chance. Smells good though. Matt?”

“Matt. He’s making comfort food for all of us, he’s angry at Buck, we all are.”

“Don’t be Lee. Please? Don’t be angry, I knew this was coming, I knew something would send him running.”

“Yeah, being a coward.” Lee sat down next to TJ on the couch, opening the single-serve foil pan, and sticking a plastic fork in it.

“Lee, I have to tell you something, you can’t tell anyone. Promise me.”

“I owe you my life, TJ. I can keep a secret.” She placed the food container in TJ’s hands, “You’re going to eat. You’ll be saving my life again, because Matt will kill me if you don’t eat it. At least some. I want bites too.”

TJ looked at the macaroni and cheese. Food hadn’t been appealing, nor had it been sitting well with him since the hospital, but this was enticing. “I haven’t been able to eat. I’ll take it slowly, will that count?”

“Of course. Talk and eat, I have all afternoon. It appears my new boss is homebound for the foreseeable future.”

“I really did that? I thought I dreamed it. I guess I’m stuck with the lot of you now.”

“There he is.” Lee smiled.

TJ felt the sadness in her smile. “Lee, I mean it, you can’t tell anyone. I’m working on it – or I will be when I’m less – disgusting.”

“TJ I promise. I do.” She watched him eagerly.

“Do you remember the SHIELD events?”

“I wasn’t here then, but yeah, of course. It’s still mentioned in the news, things happening last year with Sokovia and everything resurrecting it to an extent, so yeah.”

“Buck, he’s the guy. The fugitive Hydra Assassin. James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes.” TJ figured spit it out, he could tell Lee, and maybe Matt, but it had to be quick, like ripping off a Band-Aid.

“No shit!” Lee’s wheels were turning immediately, all the things Bucky’d alluded to, the arm, his cageyness, his ‘episodes’, the weary zone-outs. “Oh TJ. When did you find out? I’m so sorry.”

“No, Lee – I wasn’t duped, I knew from the start. He told me the first night. We couldn’t tell anyone else, couldn’t risk the safety, even though he always said you guys would hide him before turning him in, he wanted to keep you safe, and himself, obviously. Those men? They were most likely Hydra. If not, then bounty hunters.”

TJ couldn’t express how telling someone made him feel. He knew Lee would come around as she put all the pieces into place, and he’d have someone to remind him that it was all real. “You can’t say anything about it when Dougie comes. Only my therapist knew before you. Just the other day I finally caved on it. I do need to talk to my mom eventually, but I need time and I need facts.”

“So, you trust him, still?”

“I do, I knew who he was all along. Lee, every time you and he would laugh and joke, he was just being genuine, he’s not bad Lee. He was forced to do horrible things against his will.” TJ’s never-ending supply of tears started to fall again. “Please don’t hate him, he needs us. I have to believe he still wants me.”

“Oh honey.” Lee put her arm around TJ, the wheels still clicking for her, “Of course he does. He was going to stay, I saw the hesitation even after you told him to go. You two are so thick headed. Why didn’t you rope your family in before you got hurt?”

“He wasn’t ready. He was just starting to trust people Lee.” TJ gripped Lee’s hand on his shoulder, “Our small circle, it was a start.”

“Yeah, it was. Damn, to think it was less than two weeks ago we were just chilling in his apartment.”

TJ’s hand tightened on Lee’s, “I miss him so much.”

“Me too.” Lee laid her head on TJ’s tenderly, “We’re going to get through this. He’d hate to see the mess we’re making of ourselves. Give me some of that. By the way, there’s cobbler in here too.” Lee tapped the bag on the coffee table with her toe. “Have a few bites of each, I’ll put the rest away for later, best not to go overboard if your belly’s rebelling.”

“I hate this. I knew it would happen, he warned me so many times, and I got mad at him for it. I fooled myself into thinking if I ignored it, it would either not happen, or it wouldn’t hurt as bad because it was just out there waiting.”

“You hoped it would just go away, that’s normal, to expect the unknown to right itself. I’m sorry I said what I did about you being hard-headed.”

“I am, we were, but he’d spent decades being used as a tool, I couldn’t just go and make the decision for him. I woulda lost him for good, and that’s selfish too. It doesn’t matter how we did or didn’t go about it, all options were both of us being selfish.”

“Only partly selfish, if you were looking out for him too. I wish I had known. Don’t feel bad though, I know it’s easier to keep things low key if fewer people know. I don’t know how I didn’t figure it out.”

“I think you got to know him and he hasn’t been on the news recently enough to say ‘hey that guy looks like you’ or whatever. He said you told him once you weren’t too ‘into current events’.”

“Yeah, I should be a little less oblivious.” Lee watched as TJ took slow bites of the mac and cheese, she swiped the fork a few times and when he finally pushed it toward her, she put the lid on the container. “Too much? Or do you want to sample the cobbler?”

“Could you put just a little in a bowl, I don’t think I could handle having the whole container assaulting my senses.”

Lee kissed TJ’s temple, “You got it. How’s the injury?”

“You mean where I was practically gutted by some hydra fucking slug?” TJ asked as he watched Lee cross to his kitchen.

Lee looked across the room at TJ, feeling anguish and guilt, because that bullet would have been hers for interfering with whatever came crashing down on the bar when TJ came in to take his boyfriend to the movies.

“I’m sorry Lee, I’m angry with them, I’d do it again – you mean so much to both of us.”

“I know kiddo. I don’t want to find out if you would do it again Teej. I had a bad enough reaction to this time. I’m angry with them too. Hey, you got any ice cream? Seems like that would be good on this cobbler.”

“Yeah, I think there’s some in there. You’re having some too, right?” TJ melted into the cushions on the sofa, feeling the pain in his side with a sharp intensity. “Lee? Would you stay tonight, and help me kick my brother out for one day?”

“I can and will do both of those things.” Lee decided as she scooped a little daub of ice cream on a small sampling of cobbler for TJ and more than that of both for herself. She was having the opposite reaction to the stress of the past several days; comfort food was sustaining her. “So, when I rang the bell, you told me to wait for your brother. You really weren’t going to get up off the sofa?”

TJ took the small dessert dish from lee, wincing when he moved to straighten up the tiniest bit so he could eat. “I just got seated, it’s an ordeal, getting up, sitting is shitty enough. Yeah, I was serious. I might have told you to go to the neighbor if I had taken a minute, he has a key, much to my mom’s security detail’s dismay. How’d you manage to get past them?”

“I have a pass. I was here when you came home, not that you’d remember.”

“I seem to be forgetting a lot of things between driving to the bar and, oh say, yesterday. It’s the drugs.”

“And the trauma.” Lee agreed. “How are you holding up with the pain meds?”

“I hate them. They’re resulting in disturbing dreams and just a lot of angry backlash. I don’t know, I argued with Dougie today, I’m gonna give ibuprofen a try. I took some before he left, it’s not great, but I’m conscious and not afraid of my own shadow.”

“Yeah, that’s not a good reaction. How’s lunch settling for you?”

“Not too bad, I don’t think I can do any more of this right now. It’s too sweet. Everything’s too something. Too loud, too pungent, too sweet.”

“Well, I’ll just take care of that, because I want my pants to be too tight.” Lee smiled tenderly at TJ. “So, you look horribly uncomfortable, you wanna lie down? I can grab a pillow…”

“I want to go back to bed. I came in for water, and the couch was just closer than the bed.”

Lee took the bowls to the kitchen and set them on the counter by the sink, then came back to TJ’s side, “Come on then.” She stood ready to help TJ up from the couch. He sat forward on the cushion, waiting for that rush to pass, then tried to push up using the arm of the couch, but that was on his injured right side, so he scooted and tried to push up from the cushion with his left hand. “May I?” Lee stooped and helped TJ stand up.

“The bed was easier. This sits too low.” TJ explained as he steadied himself with a hand on Lee’s shoulder. “I couldn’t have let you in if I’d wanted to.”

“Good thing you’re so safe that you can leave the door unlocked. I’ll wash those dishes while you rest. I’ll bring you water too, so you don’t have to try to kill yourself.”

“Haha.”

“Don’t even try, you can’t be funny yet.” Lee patted TJ on the shoulder, “Come on sweetheart.”

“Lee?” TJ stopped before the bedroom door.

“Yes honey?”

“I… um… Thank you?”

“You’re welcome. I don’t know what for, but… aw honey.” She melted into TJ when he started to cry.

“I miss him, and nobody’s held me since he left and I don’t even know if I can ask you for a hug.”

“You don’t have to ask, just say, “hey, hug me now”.” Lee said softly into TJ’s ear, “any time, call or text and say “get over here, it’s urgent”. Come on sweetheart let’s get you to bed. We gotta get you back to fighting weight so you can get him home.”

She didn’t make him move, holding onto him and doing that soothing back rub thing. He couldn’t stop weeping, thinking now about touch-starved Bucky being alone, possibly not even knowing if TJ or Lee survived.

“He’s all alone Lee.”

“It’s only temporary TJ. We’ll make sure of it. First, we take care of you. Nobody’s hugged you? You sweet thing.”

“Too worried about breaking me, I could have forgotten some of it, I don’t know.” TJ pulled away reluctantly, “You don’t mind?”

“Of course not. As long as it doesn’t get out at work.” Lee teased gently. She led him to the bed, smiling when he leaned on her, mostly because he was hurting emotionally.

TJ sat on the edge of the bed, resisting falling over backward, even though collapsing was all he wanted. “I’m sorry Lee. I’m a wreck and it’s going to get tiresome soon.”

“No it’s not. We’ll hang out here, do you want a movie or something? We can let some noise soften the mood.”

“I guess. Something really random though. I don’t want to think about it, everything will remind me of him.”

“I have one for you. It’s probably not one you two played, maybe not even one you discussed. It’s old fashioned, but not within his timeline.”

“You’re ok with what I told you?” TJ wasn’t even sure why he was worried about the secret, Bucky was long gone, and he’d be telling his mom soon enough.

“I’ll be ok by the time I see him again. I don’t want him to be gone long, but I’ll use the time to get used to it. I have a feeling I should look up exactly what he was running and hiding from because I was grossly out of touch. I won’t tell a soul TJ.”

“If you trust Alec, I mean really trust him, I don’t want your relationship stressed over it.”

“Of course I trust him.” Lee set TJ’s pillows against his headboard, and he eased against them.

“Thanks sweetheart. Are you gonna join me?”

“Yeah, if you don’t make fun of me. This is my favorite movie.” She pressed play on the movie, and TJ fell asleep before “Bless Yore Beautiful Hide” was finished. “Damn you Buck, he’s gonna tear heaven and hell apart for you and he’s gonna get hurt again doin’ it.” Lee muttered.

Douglas came in shortly after TJ crashed, and Lee shushed him as he came through the bedroom door. “I know they told you I was here.” She whispered. “Don’t look shocked. Listen, he asked me to help him convince you, but I’m just gonna tell you. You both need a break. I’ll stay with him for the next couple of nights, you go home to your wife.” She saw tension fall away from him, there wouldn’t be a battle on this.

“If he trusts you, I’m not going to argue. I’ll tell my family, expect a little pushback from my mother and a lecture from my grandmother.” He handed her the prescription bottle, “I’m going to leave these with you, he’s fighting me about them. Follow the prescription _if_ he’ll take them. If the ibuprofen works, then fine, all the better. Oh, and TJ’s therapist is coming tomorrow, just give them the hour here in the bedroom. It worked well last time.”

“Douglas, TJ’s capable of telling me this stuff. He’s just tired. I daresay you are too.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“I’m the one he’s in this position over, I completely understand sleepless nights.”

Lee curled up on the bed next to TJ after Douglas left, hoping for a nap. TJ’s hand landed on her waist and she embraced it, and him. Scooting closer and pulling the comforter up over them both, and resting her arm just above the area of his wound.


	36. Chapter 36

It had been three days since he left for work without a care in the world. Three days ago, he’d dusted TJ’s temple with a kiss, scratched Eddie under the collar, and left for work without saying “goodbye” or “I love you”, simply because he’d left TJ sleeping peacefully. How he regretted not saying that last "I love you".

For the majority of those three days, Bucky had camped under the freeway. It was cold for the season, wet, and he probably should have been on the run already. He’d just felt the need to stay close, just until he could hear word that TJ was ok. He needed to know, because the last he’d seen as he’d fled the bar was TJ’s blood on the yellow sweater. That soft cashmere he’d loved seeing TJ wear, and that he’d loved borrowing, was stained with the blood of his beloved TJ.

He’d been tempted to stay when he saw the blood spreading, nothing would mean anything to him if he’d lost TJ abut at the same time, Bucky knew if he stayed, the entire bar would be at risk, and TJ wouldn’t even have a fighting chance.

“GO! Get out of here!” TJ had yelled, and he was torn. He’d heard those words before and he’d stayed, maybe he could again. He couldn’t finish the thought before the men were advancing on him and he had fled through the back entrance to the bar. Only the knowledge that he was drawing the men away from his little family, even if it made him feel like a coward, kept him running, in sight enough, almost within reach, only not _quite_. As Bucky heard the sirens headed to the bar, and once he felt the chase had moved far enough away to ensure the safety of his loved ones, he began to evade instead of divert.

It had seemed so long ago, the time he’d scoped out all possible escape routes from his apartment, and from the bar. He’d started to believe he’d never have to use the information, but it came flooding back to him as he ran, scrambling down alleyways, and through dilapidated neighborhoods. He’d meticulously plotted numerous escape routes and they wove through his memory as he wove through yards, being chased on foot, and at one point even dodging a motorcycle. The chase covered miles before he ducked into a yard, finding a cellar door. He tugged it open and squatted in the cover of the heavy wooden door of one of the better maintained Victorian houses.

He crouched, his guard raised, for what he knew in his bones, and aching muscles, were hours before finally creeping down to the cool dark floor and napping. He woke to the horrible realization that those days were back, dark days of cold, and damp, and of fear. He patted his pocket to ensure that he still had his phone, sighing with relief that at least he had that. He cautiously stepped out into the pre-dawn air and made a circuitous route to his apartment. Bucky was on high alert as he snuck like a thief into his own home. He grabbed his ‘go bag’ without daring to look around the apartment for anything other than a threat, and had essentially vanished. Becoming the ghost again.

He sat in his makeshift camp and listened to the local radio app that TJ had once informed him he should have on his phone, “if you don’t have a radio, at least you should have this.” He’d said in those first days of setting up Bucky’s phone with “necessities”. That was how he’d heard that TJ was being released from the hospital.

Taking care to remain unseen, Bucky went to TJ’s neighborhood, his heart felt like it was being ripped from his chest as he spotted places that were memories. Was it just a week ago that he’d spent the weekend here, playing house? He guessed that’s all it could be, pretend. All he was allowed to have was a pretend life, because he didn’t have the guts to let TJ talk to his mom before he put TJ in the ultimate danger.

Bucky watched the procession as TJ was escorted home safely, he looked weak and dazed, and Bucky felt even shittier for hiding like this. As soon as he saw the lights in the apartment switch on, he ducked into the shadows, saddened again by the thought that he couldn’t say ‘goodbye’. As he’d watched, he’d spotted each security guard that had been put to work to guard TJ and keep him safe. He allowed a pained sigh of relief that at least TJ was protected.

The shooting of the president’s son was all over the news, and of course, there were seedy speculations about why TJ would be at a dive like that. Stories of a foiled armed robbery were being disputed as a ‘deal gone bad’ sounded so much more exciting. Bucky’s guilt and misery were magnified as he thought about TJ being dragged through the press again, simply for being inside a bar. Even though his order had simply been a burger, fries, and a milkshake, the world wasn’t going to believe that TJ could be clean.

Bucky still found it hard to believe how quickly they’d sprung. He hadn’t recognized the men and women who’d walked in, but that was common in the bar. He had been coming out from behind the bar to sit with TJ and wait for their food when he’d spotted the first warning in out of  the corner of his eye. “Get into the back room, take Lee with you.” he’d growled in TJ’s ear. TJ made Bucky proud, not asking any questions, simply moving in the opposite direction he’d been going.

It was Lee who’d been uncoached, and was acting in Bucky’s defense, approaching the woman closest to her. She’d called everyone’s attention to the situation, and it had instantly escalated to gunfire. He watched in horror as TJ shoved Lee to the floor instinctively and took a bullet in the side that could have killed Lee had TJ not acted so quickly. Pride and anger still swelled as Bucky remembered the look of shock when TJ fell back from the force. He couldn’t imagine how he’d have felt if Lee had died, but TJ shouldn’t have gone and played fucking hero.

Bucky spotted his chance to keep hidden from whomever was onto him, and as much as he hated the idea of being across an ocean from TJ, maybe that was a safe enough distance to keep him safe. He’d felt guilty for lying to the bar owner, an emotion compounded by the fact that the negative experience had ultimately resulted in her losing her bar. Unfortunately for Bucky, he had to do it again, lie, and hire on ‘under the table’. This time, he did so posing as an illegal who spoke no English.

He tried his damnedest to bury his pain in this cover, which would hopefully get him all the way to Europe, possibly far enough away to ensure TJ’s and Lee’s safety. That and the seeds he’d planted diverting Hydra, or whichever bounty hunters were looking for him, in another direction entirely.

After three weeks crossing the ocean on a freighter, working hard with his hands and his muscles, ending his nights a tight, and tired mass of anxiety, they docked in Europe. Bucky took his pay, and his leave. Distance and time had softened his judgement of his own actions and he found himself considering reaching out to TJ by using the phone that had been tucked and hidden safely in his pack. He checked the charge, happy that he’d taken the time when he could to keep that at an acceptable level. He put the phone back and pulled it out several times before finally pulling up the cheesy picture of TJ and Eddie that marked his contact.

Blinking tears away, Bucky pressed the call button and listened. He fully expected it to go to voicemail, and he wouldn’t blame TJ one bit, but when TJ answered with an anxious “Bucky?” he allowed a sigh of relief.

“Can’t talk long. You’re safe?”

“Yes. Are you? Is this call?”

“I’m ok. TJ you have to know, I didn’t want to go…”

“Oh Bucky, I know that. Don’t tell me you’ve worried about that all this time? You had to go, I told you to. We’re fine. Lee knows everything, she’s mad at you for not trusting her, not as mad as she was, but…”

“TJ I don’t want to stay on the line too long, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep calling, I can’t take any chances that someone will connect the calls and come after you again. I _will_ keep the phone for emergencies.”

“Bucky, do you have to go? I mean right away? I have so much I want to tell you.” TJ’s voice sounded so warm and welcoming, Bucky’s eyes flooded. God, he was homesick.

“TJ, I do, because I love you. I’m safe for now, but I need to find a place for the night and figure out where I’m going from here. Don’t you worry, this is what I do.” Bucky paused for air, “TJ don’t worry about me. You’ve given me the means to start off without being on the streets again. Promise me you’re not going to go broke adding money to the damned card. You have to remember you have you and Eddie to look out for, and if you make me worry about either of you, more than I already do, I won’t be able to stay safe.”

“I promise, Bucky? Speaking of the card? Alec bought the bike, and I put the money on the card. You’ll be safe for a while if you don’t find work right away.”

“I worked my way over, with pay, I have a little cash. Do what I said please TJ, don’t go overboard, ok? Remember all the things we talked about, and you make sure you take care of yourself, and stay clean and healthy. You _know_ I’m coming back as soon as I can.”

“I’ll still wait a thousand years. and a day. Bucky? Text me occasionally, ok? Just a quick word please? Doesn’t even have to be a sentence, maybe just a little red heart?”

“I can’t promise TJ, love, but I’ll try.”

“I’m going to talk to my mom, Bucky. I’m going to tell her everything. I need to do something, I can’t sit on my hands anymore. I need to work on things on this end. I don’t know where you are, and I won’t tell her about the phone, but everything else, we need to stop this.”

“TJ, stay out of danger. I don’t care what else you do, as long as you stay safe doing it. If talking to her will help speed things up, I say go for it, but _only_ if you can stay. safe.”

“I love you. Of course I’ll stay safe, I don’t want you to worry about me, ok? Lee, Matt, and Alec are working at The Dome, and I think they’re happy there. I’ve been fixing every meal at home unless Matt makes extra of something and drops it off. Eddie’s been looking for you, even still. I keep telling him you’re working and you’ll come home as soon as the job’s done. Sometimes I think he understands me, which is good, because I know I don’t.”

Bucky listened to TJ talk and let silent tears fall. This feeling was far too overwhelming and foreign. He’d desensitized himself through hard work, and this wasn’t what he did. He needed to keep his head down and remain unnoticed. He needed to lay low and let TJ work on things from home so that he could get back to his family that he’d made for himself.

“TJ.” Everything he’d just tried to tell himself vaporized. “Remember when we watched that Disney movie? Do you remember what Stitch said?”

“Yes.” Bucky cursed modern phone technology when he heard TJ crying.

He couldn’t stop himself from quoting the movie, “This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. You are my family TJ. You and Eddie are my family, Lee, Alec, and Matt too. Remember that when you hear ugly things about me. You will, when you open this can of worms. Remember what you taught me. I’m not the monster they say I am.”

“I need _you_ to remember that, Bucky. You’re alone without me there to remind you.”

“It’s just temporary TJ, just like you keep telling Eddie. You remember that too. I have to run, love. I need to find a place to spend the night, it’s getting dark, and I still need to make sure it’s ok for me here.”

“I’ve missed you Bucky. I love you. I’m going to send you pictures, you’ll have to deal with it. Don’t worry about replying and don’t tell me to stop, ok?”

“I won’t. I love you too.”

“Don’t say ‘good bye’ Bucky. Just don’t ok? I’ll see you soon.”

“Soon baby. I promise. Give that dog a couple of scratches and treats for me, ok?”

“You know I do that every day right? I do. Make sure you get something good to eat, go, and be safe.”

Bucky ended the call without a reply, because he knew he would just keep talking if he didn’t. feeling like a heel about it, he swiped to the text threat he’d shared with TJ and sent a little red heart. Crying, he wiped at his eyes roughly with the dirty sleeve of his jacket as he reread the last conversation he’d had with TJ.

They were going to go out in public, not to the market, but on an actual date. Their roadtrip to the beach hadn’t counted as a date, just an escape. They never felt safe enough to go to dinner together, the closest they could get was breakfast at the diner on their way to the beach, and their shared burgers at the bar. A dark theater was going to be their first date, something TJ had wanted, but that Bucky had put off more than once. He’d been excited to propose it to TJ, and from TJ’s text and the way he’d come into the bar grinning, TJ had been so happy.

Bucky pulled his cap down over his face, not caring that the dirt and tears made him look both menacing and pathetic at the same time. He pushed off the wall he’d braced himself against. Time to scope out the area, and with any luck, he’d find shelter and some food.

…

TJ listened as the call ended, looking out the window of his bedroom through tears. The sun was blazing off the windows of the cars below, it was going to be tough getting in touch with his mother at this hour, but he gave her a call, since he was feeling almost brave at the moment. As soon as he’d confessed to her James’ real identity, she was angry with TJ for lying to her, and for endangering himself _and her_ by “associating with a known fugitive, an assassin no less.”

“Mom, mom! Stop.” TJ’s emotions still hadn’t leveled out from his call to Bucky, so he was impatient and crying, again. “He’s a fugitive from the law, yes. From the same government, correction, _governments_ who imprisoned, tortured, maimed, and created _that assassin_. We owe him a life Mom. You have to understand that he shouldn’t be held accountable.”

“TJ.”

“Mom, if you say ‘assassin’ one more time, I swear…” What would he do? He was the helpless one here, if he hung up, she would likely never talk to him about it again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for omitting major parts of the truth. I told you the truth that I could, at the time. I was protecting him Mom. Nobody’s _ever_ protected him until me, with the exception of Steve Rogers. Did you know he saved Steve during the fall of SHIELD? He saved me. Shouldn’t that be the focus?”

“He got you shot.”

“No, I did that.” TJ corrected her, “Those were most likely Hydra thugs that were after Bucky, Lee was in the line of fire, I pushed her out of the way, she’s my friend, Mom. As much as getting shot sucked.” TJ rubbed the spot on his side. “I’d do it again, she’s innocent in all this, and she’s important to me. Don’t blame that on Bucky.”

“You made up a story about an armed robbery.” She accused, but he thought he heard an underlying hint of pride.

“I _didn’t_. I was _asked_ about an armed robbery. I went along with it. Besides, I learned spin from my political family and lying from drugs, so yeah, it’s a gift.”

“You should have spun yourself out of that situation.”

“I love him mom.”

“I’ve heard that before, Thomas.” TJ heard the familiar exasperation, and love in her tone, but was he reading something else as well? Dare he hope there was resignation there?

“Yeah, I have a big heart. This one, Mom, this one could have staying power, if we could just fix the problem!”

“It’s not that easy TJ.”

“I know it’s not easy. It’s going to suck. But think about what the word “easy” means for him? He was an American Hero. We can’t forget that he was a POW. He was forced to do the things that he did. He was mutilated by them. They took control of his mind, he’s out there afraid that they’re going to get their hands on him again and he’s running for his life! This isn’t just a political embarrassment, he’s in danger, and he’s more dangerous in their hands than he’d be under your protection. If they get him, they’ll make him do more heinous things, or worse, they’ll terminate him. He said they hadn’t intended on keeping him alive beyond Project Insight.”

“He’s special to you, tell me why exactly.”

“Mom.” TJ rolled his eyes, barely resisting chucking the phone, “This is _James_. Bucky is the man I’ve been happy with all this time, James, who you had said you’d be happy to meet. He’s kind, he’s funny. Bucky has given me some of the best advice, and some of the happiest memories of my entire life. I smile when I see him peaceful and sleeping. He’s gentle and loving, and even when he’s troubled, gruff, and moody, he has this ability to make me happy. I love to be able to make him laugh, he has the best sense of humor. He won’t let me get away with hating myself. He knew this was coming, and he prepared me for this and frankly for much worse. He always had my safety in mind, even over his own. He’s _my family_ Momma.”

“It’s not because he’s a high profile historical figure that you’ve idolized? Or worse, because he’s a Hydra agent?”

“God Mom! NO! and don’t _ever_ call him a “Hydra _agent_ ”. Agents _sign up_ , he did _not_ sign up for the things he’s done. He’s not even a _free_ agent, because he’s going to be hunted if you let slip that he was here. I came to you as _your son_ , knowing you have the power of the presidency to help him, I didn’t come to you as an informant to the president.”

“I will need to know everything that you know.”

TJ considered invading Bucky’s privacy, all of his memories were in the box in his closet. Surely those could substantiate what TJ had been trying to tell his mother. They might implicate people and expose the horrors done to Bucky. However, when TJ opened the closet door and reached up for the box, all he could do was brace himself against the door and cry. He couldn’t betray Bucky that way. He’d never opened the box when he brought it home for safekeeping, he wouldn’t open it now. It would remain undisturbed and protected, even from him.

TJ wiped his eyes from his silent weeping, “Meet me at my place and I’ll tell you everything he told me.” his mother would be able to have people research what he could tell her. Maybe she could reach out to Captain Rogers for more information after that.

…

Elaine was in the car on the way to TJ’s apartment to talk to him about – she shook her head – Bucky Barnes and his uncertain future, when she answered a call about an incident in Lagos, Nigeria concerning The Avengers. Immediately she ordered the caravan to return to base, and made a note to call TJ as soon as other calls she absolutely had to make and take right away were completed.

Dozens of calls and meetings later, and it was midnight. Douglas came in to try to get his mother to retire, and was met with a deep sigh. She looked at him sadly, “I forgot to call TJ. I was supposed to meet with him today and everything just fell apart.”

“I’m sure he knows what’s happened, and that you’re busy scrambling.”

“No Douglas. He’s stopped watching the news. Now he’s sitting there, thinking about how I’ve let him down again. If he hasn’t taken it so hard that he’s doing something unsavory. Get him on the phone for me.”

“Uh no.” Douglas stood firm under her scrutiny, “Mom, you’re the one who forgot, no matter the reason. I’m not going to be the one to track him down this time. That’s on you.”

“You’re right.” She sighed, listening as the phone rang on the other end. “He’s going to be upset.”

“Well he’s going to have to understand. Not even TJ is more important than what’s going on right now.”

“Douglas.” She started to reprimand him when TJ picked up.

“Hello?” he sounded weary.

“TJ, I’m sorry – something happened…”

“Nothing new.” He sounded as hurt as she’d feared he would be. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not.” Elaine said softly, “TJ have you seen the news?”

“No, I waited three hours, then took Eddie for a walk, I didn’t do anything if they’re saying I did. If you didn’t plan to entertain any of my ideas, you could have said something instead of completely blowing me off.”

“TJ, I was in the car, on my way over when I got the word that something happened with The Avengers over in Nigeria. I’ve been working all day on that. I apologize that I was swept away by phone calls and meetings, one on top of the other. I just barely had a chance to breathe and I thought of you. What we talked about… James and his situation will have to wait a few days, but I promise you I do want to talk about it.”

“Wait! Back up, The Avengers? Are they all ok?” TJ could only imagine something happening to Steve while Bucky was on the lam. His internal hurt over being overlooked again turned to an anguish for Bucky as he waited to hear what her answer was.

“Yes, they are fine, but people died. It’s an international incident and I have to do something about it.”

…

It had been two weeks since the Lagos incident, and TJ became convinced his mother was no longer interested in helping him with Bucky. Not since the fallout, and with being leaned heavily on to sign off on the Sokovia Accords, she had been arguing that it was being rushed too quickly. She maintained that the people it was going to affect the most should have a hand in writing it. That jackass, Ross, cut her down with his self-righteous attitude and his insistence that this was _the only way_ , outside of disbanding The Avengers completely, that the UN would settle for. She had been hearing similar arguments from other leaders.

TJ had paid that much attention to conversations at dinner with Dougie and Nana, he hadn’t seen his mother since the shooting, since Bucky left over eight weeks ago. He was still shocked he hadn’t been bundled up and ensconced in the Whitehouse for his recovery, apparently he’d kicked up such a fuss, that he’d been given a healthy dose of “anything he wanted” along with a sedative. As long as he would allow Douglas to keep track of him and the drugs.

The force that invaded TJ’s home when his mother did come to visit was much less welcome and familiar than it used to be, back when she’d visit before he’d met Bucky. She hadn’t been there in over a year, except for fleeting moments while he was recovering from his gunshot wound. He was too out of it during those times to take note of how the intrusion made him feel. The memories of those cloudy days, and the fear of being discovered that were held over from when Bucky was home with him, caused a sense of panic when he heard the approach. He had to calm himself and he had to soothe Eddie. He reminded himself that nobody was here to take Bucky away, because he was already gone. That added to his panic, causing Eddie to growl and block TJ from the door when the knock came. ‘It’s not like I didn’t know. I knew they were coming. Why am I like this?’ TJ thought as he tried to tamp down the anxiety and soothe Eddie.

“Just a minute.” TJ called out through a bubble that had formed at the back of his throat, “Come on Eddie. Bed.”

It took a couple of tries to get Eddie to abandon his post and go into his crate. If he could just get his own frustrated anxiety under control, Eddie would calm down.

“Coming!” he called as he tripped over his own feet, essentially wishing he could just fall to the floor, sit there and cry.

He opened the door to the usual contingency, greeting them with a “hi” even though most of them wouldn’t respond anyway. The sweep was quick and thorough; having already been warned that there was a dog, so the sharp bark that came when they opened the bedroom door shouldn’t surprise anyone.

TJ was finally left in peace with his mother, after they were sure that the president’s son wasn’t hiding a fugitive assassin, a thought that morbidly amused TJ. He corrected himself, they were left in as much peace as the one agent at the door, and the rest of the contingency in various positions throughout the apartment building and complex would allow. He knew he was lucky she came to him, and he didn’t feel an ounce of guilt at the expense and trouble that took.

Elaine hugged her son, recognizing the face of someone who had cried recently. She saw fresh tears threatening, and wasn’t sure how to address them. “I’m sorry this has taken so long.” She said instead, “How have you been? and how is Eddie?”

“He’s upset, but he’ll get over it.”

“and you? Will you get over it?” She asked, holding TJ at arm’s length to get a good look at him. She took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom. “I want to see for myself.”

Elaine closed the bedroom door, allowing them further privacy, and crossed the room, stooping next to the crate to croon to Eddie. “May I?”

“Sure. He likes you.” TJ watched her open the crate door.

“Again, I have to ask, what about you?”

TJ knew she was giving him space, but he didn’t want this distance. She was giving him back what he was giving her, and he hated this tactic. He realized that he wanted her to force him to spill his emotions all over the floor, but she wasn’t playing along. His therapist would surely have a lot to say about this, if he ever went back.

“I know that what happened was important, I also know you’ve been through a lot, but I can’t help but think that none of it is as bad as what Bucky’s going through right now. What if Hydra has gotten their hands on him again? He’d never forgive himself if they forced him to do their evil again.”

“So, you won’t get over it, and you don’t like me.” Elaine smiled sadly, scratching Eddie between the ears.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” TJ answered, as though the answers she was looking for were obvious. “I don’t even know how to ask this anymore. The Accords, they’re going to criminalize Bucky even more. Can you help him? Please Mom?”

“I’ve been reading about him, looking into his history and this is no small favor TJ. I might have had better luck before Lagos and The Accords, but you’re right. He’s one of ours, he was a prisoner of war, and before they did what they did to him, he was one of the good ones.”

“He still is Mom.” TJ rushed off the bed, kneeling in front of his mother on the floor, he showed her one of the selfies from their time on the beach, TJ with Bucky and Eddie, smiling, “Look. ‘One of the Good Ones’.”

Elaine smiled at the picture of her son, radiating happiness she hadn’t seen in him in so long, she’d forgotten what it looked like. She recognized a happy family when she saw one, even if hers had failed to reach that pinnacle in far too long. “I’ll do whatever I can. It may take time.”

Because timing sucks for TJ on a very regular basis, his phone displayed a message across their happy faces, his mom’s phone chimed at the same time, it was from Douglas, “Turn on the news!”

TJ scrambled for the remote, finding the news networks, and saw the aftermath of a horrible explosion in Vienna followed by the even more devastating announcement and a blurred photo that _might be_ , but couldn’t be Bucky. Only there it was, in black and white, “Hydra _Agent_ ” James Barnes suspected of bombing the UN.

“NO!” TJ melted to the floor, so many weeks of pain, anguish, and fear crashing in on him. “It wasn’t him, Mom. You have to believe – he wouldn’t do this.” TJ wept next to her, where she hadn’t moved after freeing Eddie.

Eddie nudged at TJ, and licked at the tears trailing down TJ’s neck.

“TJ, it says otherwise.”

“The press never lies.” TJ looked pleadingly at his mother, “ _Tell me_ the press _never lies_.”

Elaine brushed her fingers through her son’s soft curls, “I’m going to have to go.”

“Of course.” TJ sat back on his heels, wiping at his tears as even more fell. “Please Mom, give him a chance!”

“TJ, this is an international incident. I don’t know how much pull I’m going to have. If he did it, he’s better off turning himself in. If you hear from him, you tell him that.”

“He didn’t do this. Besides, I haven’t heard from him since he left.” TJ didn’t feel bad about the little white lie. It felt like forever, their call had no bearing on things now, and he didn’t know where Bucky was right now anyway. He sure hoped he was nowhere near Vienna.

“I’d like you and Eddie to come with me. I don’t like the idea of you being alone after this announcement, and through the reports that are sure to follow.”

“I’m fine. I’m not going to get drunk or high. I promised him, and I don’t have any plans to break a promise to him no matter how much I want to forget this hell.” TJ resolved that he wasn’t going to break _any_ of his promises to Bucky, and if his mother wouldn’t help, he’d become an expert on Bucky’s history with Hydra, prisoners of war, and legal defense. He’d find a way if she couldn’t.

“I wasn’t implying that. I know how hard this must be for you, you should be with family.”

“I’ll be fine.” TJ’s sobs subsided and he wiped his face with the tissue she handed him, “I’d rather just stick to my routine. Just fix this.”


	37. Chapter 37

TJ did _not_ stick to his routine. Instead, he sat glued to the news networks, he watched internet and broadcast news for practically twenty-four hours straight. He didn’t dare send any messages to Bucky, even though he wanted to more than anything. He was paranoid that somehow, someone would know and they’d find him sooner. He wanted to warn him, he wanted to console him, and maybe he wanted to be consoled. The only thing he didn’t consider was to ask. TJ _knew_ Bucky didn’t do it. Even if his hands might be involved, he knew that the only way Bucky could have done something like this was if they’d gotten their hands on him.

Even though he didn’t send any messages, he kept checking his phone. TJ desperately wanted a check-in. He’d accept a “don’t worry about me, I’m fine” or a little red heart, he wouldn't even reply to it if he could just hear from Bucky. Nothing came. Nothing came that day or the next. Or the day after that. By then, Bucky was all over the news, having been captured. TJ frantically tried to obtain a lawyer for Bucky, and was turned away at every turn. He gave up on a traditional approach when he was laughed out of one law office with “Don’t you watch the news? He’s killing people left and right.”

TJ sat for hours watching with anguish and disbelief, as he tuned into the all-too familiar news reports to see that while in captivity Bucky really had killed several GSG9 agents; and had escaped. The only solace he found was that Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson, who had also been detained and had escaped. He hoped that there was more than just an interesting coincidence to that report.

TJ spent the following hours curled up with Eddie, aching and weeping for Bucky. The announcement that Bucky had killed again was a hard one to hear. He tuned out all news reports for a while, reflecting on what could have happened. It had to be a ‘kill or be killed’ scenario, or someone got to him. The Hydra shakeup in the US government alone had exposed surprise after surprise, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities that they were in other government facilities. Either way, TJ knew that _his_ Bucky was probably agonizing over new victims. He was probably hurting worse than TJ was on his behalf.

Having cried himself to sleep, TJ woke to Eddie’s insistence that he had to go out. A quick walk down the stairs was all TJ had the energy for this early. Once back up in his apartment, he turned the TV onto the news reports that he was having a hard time escaping entirely. He loaded another news site on his laptop on the kitchen counter while he forced himself to cook something to eat. He was captivated by the rogue drone videos and stills being shared from the airport in Leipzig of the team fighting one another.

TJ hadn’t realized it had come to this. TJ zoomed in on one of the images, just to look at Bucky, just to see him alive after all of these weeks. He hated the image, and at the same time, he loved it. Bucky looked beautiful. He also looked stressed, so drawn, and emotionally exhausted. TJ couldn’t believe he was seeing Bucky real-time, and he cringed with each blow he took from the Wakandan prince-turned-king. He’d met T’Challa, and liked him. He was having a hard time liking him right now. Even still, TJ kept replaying the footage.

TJ was glued to the news reports, mostly rehashing the previously gleaned information, until reports that Steve Rogers and James Barnes were now fugitives and that Rogers, Barnes, Wilson, Maximoff, Lang, and Barton were all named criminals. Again TJ fell asleep crying over the insanity of it all, unable to understand the mixed reports coming out. Captive, escaped, spotted over Russian airspace; even with TJ’s experience, he couldn’t keep up with the varying reports. When he woke to a news outlet reporting that Steve and Bucky were missing, as obtuse as it seemed, even to him, TJ finally felt somewhat hopeful. If Steve and Bucky were together, they’d _have_ to be OK. Sometime soon, this Accords thing would have to be fixed, it was obvious that it wasn’t working, even Stark had gone against them, Captain America would have to be exonerated. Bucky’s status should follow that, right? With TJ’s mother, and Captain America pulling for him, Bucky could finally be free.

…

After three weeks of dodging his mom, TJ wasn’t entirely proud of his current situation, he was slowly starting to return to his therapist, and to shower daily, and he just couldn’t find the strength to see her when her calls and texts consisted of  ‘I can’t help him if I don’t know where he is’. Three weeks of no contact from Bucky, and dwindling news of any of the escaped fugitives, and ‘Captain America’ was no more, TJ was starting to lose hope. Eventually Steve Rogers was simply a fugitive with a brief mention here or there, there was no more word of James Barnes. TJ felt his world swirling in on him, and he didn’t even have drugs or alcohol to thank.

As if signifying the passing of three weeks, his phone rang on the three-week anniversary of the news that both Rogers and Barnes were missing in action. Half asleep, TJ nearly ignored the unknown number, but the realization that Bucky could be back on a burner phone woke TJ immediately. He eagerly accepted the call, anxiously answering, “Bucky?”

“TJ?” That wasn’t Bucky’s voice, but it did sound familiar.

“Is this Steve?”

“You’re alone?”

TJ very narrowly resisted laughing manically at the term. He stuck to a more normal response, “Yeah, except for our dog.”

“Eddie?” TJ thought the voice on the other end softened a little.

“Yeah, Eddie.”

“Can you meet me at Bucky’s apartment?”

TJ’s gut clenched, just the mention of something nobody else knew about, aside from Lee and the gang, had him tearing up. “Is it safe?”

“Yeah, place is clear, it seems the rent’s paid up and the place has been left undisturbed. It’s still _his place_.”

TJ wasn’t going to ask how Steve knew about the rent; he wouldn’t even be surprised if Bucky had never been as unaware as he’d hoped.

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” TJ’s heart raced, why would Steve call and not Bucky? This could only mean one… one thing… TJ pushed the thought aside as he leashed Eddie. They jogged down the stairs to TJ’s car as TJ continued to force images of Bucky – dead – from his mind. Thoughts of him strapped into another Hydra torture device were stomped down as well. The research on the crimes “The Winter Soldier” was accused of committing wasn’t helping TJ sleep nights.

TJ focused all of his attention on driving, and fifteen minutes was closer to ten. He veered into his traditional parking spot, and leapt out of the car, with Eddie following. He ran up the steps to the outside walkup, not caring whether or not he’d locked his car.

He let himself into the apartment rather loudly, “tell me he’s not dead!”

“TJ?” Steve was sitting on the sofa, in Bucky’s spot, making the sofa look as if it was made for a child.

“Steve” TJ said quietly, “Eddie, sit.”

Eddie sat at TJ’s feet looking between the men. Steve looked up at TJ, though he’d seen the man before, it had never been up close. Steve was shocked at the striking similarities between TJ and a long-ago Bucky.

“Tell me he’s not dead.” TJ said again. His stance was firm, with his hands on his hips. He felt more like a child throwing a temper tantrum than a threat, as much as he wished it were reversed.

“TJ, he’s not dead. He asked me to come to you, to give you a message.” Steve looked as drained as TJ felt. “Please sit down? He wanted me to explain, there’s a lot to cover.”

TJ led Eddie to the sofa, having him lie on the floor at his feet, as opposed to his typical spot between TJ and the space where Bucky should have been sitting.

TJ turned to face Steve, “I never thought I’d be meeting you like this.” TJ made note of the man’s tired eyes and the strained set of his jaw. “I kind of hoped for something more along the lines of a family barbecue or something.”

“He loves you, TJ.”

“Not the way he loves you.” TJ blurted out before he could catch the words.

“I know.” Steve’s said, almost imperceptibly, his voice was soft and reflective. “He wanted me to explain why he made the choice he did, although I don’t even know if I completely understand it.”

“I guess, start at the beginning. He didn’t bomb the UN. Start there.” TJ could focus on facts. That would work and he wouldn’t have to wonder what Bucky had to choose that made Captain Fucking America fold like a house of cards.

“He didn’t bomb the UN. He was framed.”

TJ let out a deep breath, not surprised, but relieved all the same. He’d started to feel like the crazy person, conspiracy theorist, because nobody believed him. To hear it come from someone else, even if Steve was as deeply involved in the Bucky Barnes fan club, was so much more stress relieving than he’d ever thought possible.

Steve relayed Zemo’s revenge plot, lamenting how it was all his fault, well his and Tony Stark’s fault that Bucky got dragged from his apartment and set up to rope them all into a fight. TJ wanted to tell him that was all Zemo’s fault, but he’d been reflecting on guilt and fault recently, including blaming himself for bringing Hydra to Bucky’s peaceful world. He thought about how he was the one thing that had changed for Bucky, and how not long after he arrived at the bar, they’d showed up. Lee told him he was crazy, they could have been following anyone, but he knew he was high profile enough that people would notice him and start talking, even if it was innocuous conversation. He knew that somehow he’d led them to Bucky. TJ had to focus on what Steve was saying more than once.

“Bucky said that if I told you that Zemo had figured out how to get inside his head, you’d understand. He did kill those people in Berlin, but not until after Zemo triggered him.”

“I knew he didn’t do it voluntarily.” TJ blinked, trying to avoid tearing up again. He’d been so emotional over the past weeks, he was fed up with tears.

“TJ, he’s worried that it’ll happen again. You need to be strong, just like I’ve had to. He made a choice.”

“You said he’s not dead. As long as he’s not suffering, I think I can handle anything else.”

“He chose to go back into cryo, TJ. He wants to keep everyone safe until the trigger words, and any other traps that were set in his mind, are cleared.”

All TJ could see was Bucky huddled, freezing in his tub, remembering the harsh treatment Bucky told him about receiving after coming out of cryo, and now TJ _was_ crying, Steve was fighting tears, but they forged ahead. “You know how to fix that. You must have something, you know so many people.” TJ felt helpless and found he was making the same weak argument he always used on his mother.

“I do have some ideas, but right now, that’s all they are. It’ll take some time, and some convincing, I’d also like to point out that most of my options had to run to ground. There’s nothing quite like feeling as if you’ve exhausted your last favor.”

“It sounds like you were trying to save us all, again. I don’t understand how The Accords are supposed to help us when all they’ve done so far is hurt people.”

Eddie sat up and placed his head on the sofa in the spot he would sometimes sit. Steve absently scratched the dog’s ears, “Another battle for another day. You said “our dog” earlier, you meant Bucky’s and yours right?”

“Yeah, Bucky found him. I adopted him. He loves us both. He’s very much Bucky’s protector. He’s just making up for missing him by taking care of me. He misses him. God it’s been so long.” TJ blushed, the weeks without Bucky was nothing like the time Steve had waited. “I’m sorry, how entitled of me, I know you’ve been waiting so much longer. You must hate me for the time I’ve had with him.”

“I don’t. I’m glad he found something to make him want to live. I could only imagine what being alone with no support system would do to him. He wanted me to make sure you’re keeping your promises, staying healthy and clean?”

“Yeah, but this last month has been hard. I think I’ve just been surviving.” TJ admitted, “I haven’t been as _healthy_ as I should. I’ve stayed clean. Sometimes you pick your battles. Not that you can tell him anything, you weren’t sent to receive messages, only deliver them. And babysit me maybe?”

“Not babysit. He trusts you. I think the message was just a reminder for you, that he hasn’t forgotten promises. I did promise to be there if you need someone to talk to. Promise you’ll do it because it’s something he wants.

“Do what, exactly?” TJ asked, looking at the man who could rightfully be his rival, but was sitting, tired and emotionally beaten, offering some kind of companionship.

“Call. Call the phone I called you from, it’s safe.” Steve repeated, scrubbing a hand across his brow, “Oh, Bucky said to apologize about his phone, it was lost somewhere in the madness. He also said he hopes you saved all of the pictures and hopes you could have them for him when you see him again.”

Each time TJ thought there wasn’t another tear to be had, he was proven wrong. “Of course I have them. The ones he sent me, the ones I sent him. Yes.” TJ gave up trying not to cry. “I don’t know what your relationship with him is. If you love him like I do, or as a brother, or what. I just know this can’t be easy for you either. Is he safe? In Wakanda? Does he dream? What exactly is he going through? And his arm?” TJ knew he was rambling, he was hurting, and he was curious, and he _just_ wanted to _be there_.

“He warned me you’d have a lot of questions, just didn’t warn me what kind. I don’t know the answers to some of them. I know he’s safe. King T’Challa has personally guaranteed his safety. Everything else, just remember, he was making choices based on what he knew. He made them of his own free will, I even asked again before I watched him go under. They treated him gently, tenderly, with great respect.” TJ watched as Steve pulled out a handkerchief and offered it to him. Other circumstances might have made TJ tease Steve about that, but today, he politely declined, leaning across the sofa for the box of tissues for the last sappy movie they’d watched together.

TJ tugged a handful of tissues out, “thanks, but I’m afraid that wouldn’t be enough.” TJ sniffed, saturating several with his tears.

Steve used his handkerchief for his own tears. “He seems to be at peace with his choice. As for how I feel about Bucky, that’s tricky. He’s everything, but I don’t know if that’s because he’s part of who I used to be, or if it’s more. I’m going to need more time to figure that out, and maybe the time he’s tucked away safely is the best time for that. Healthier for him, and for me, if we’re not in each other’s space.”

“How will we know things are ok for him? Do we just wait and do nothing?” TJ turned on the couch to face Steve, trying to figure out how to fix the problem he couldn't even grasp.

“I’m not waiting, nor am I doing nothing. There are some problems that need to be resolved before we can approach the bigger issues.”

“God it’s like talking to my mother.” TJ complained, “I’m sorry, is there anything I can help with? Please tell me there’s something I can do besides “stay clean and healthy”. I had been trying to get my mom to get him a reprieve, I’ve been looking at his history, and trying to get a lawyer, or build a case on my own. I don’t know what else to do.”

“Could you arrange for a meeting with your mom? As discreetly as possible.”

“I can try. I mean, maybe my apartment would serve as a good place, between you, her, and me, she can know whom she’s meeting, right? I have a pretty shady history, so any time I try to get too clandestine, she gets suspicious.”

“Yeah, she probably should know ahead of time.” Steve leaned forward on the sofa, placing his forearms on his knees, “TJ are you going to be ok driving home?”

“No, not yet. I might stay here for a while. I haven’t been here since… well, since that morning. This is the closest I can get to him right now.”

“Bucky told me you had a bunch of his journals.” Steve shifted on the couch, settling deeper into the corner, getting comfortable, “I have the rest that were confiscated from his apartment in Romania, if you’d take them to keep them too.”

“How did you…? Do I even want to know?” TJ asked, his voice lowering in volume, “Of course I’ll keep them. It was one of the first promises I made to him.”

“You probably don’t want to know how I got them.” Steve chuckled, “The ones he asked you to keep have you looked at them?”

“No. I almost pulled the box down from my closet when I needed to give my mom details, but they’re only in my care. It’s not my business to be looking through them. Those are Bucky’s thoughts, if he wants me to look, he’ll tell me.”

“I can’t say I was as respectful.”

“I’m sure you had good reason.”

“Selfish curiosity? Is that a good reason?”

TJ frowned, “I don’t know, you guys have your own thing, maybe that’s acceptable.”

“No, pretty much just my being nosy.” Steve confessed.

“Did you look through these?” TJ touched the cover of the top book reverently.

“No, except for the one, that first day. I try to tell myself I was trying to assess the situation, but I think there was more. There’s so much I still don’t have answers for, I  guess I was looking for a shortcut.”

“He was trying to find his own answers, before he could ever hope to be able to answer any of yours. I’m not sure if he got them all.”

“How did you meet him?” Steve leaned toward TJ hoping to engage him.

“Wasn’t my finest hour, conversely, not my worst either.” TJ said, settling back against the couch. “I had just been dumped by my partner of three years. Three years sober, and I slipped. No…” TJ sighed. “Slipped implies an accident. I jumped head first into a wine bottle and had to be pulled out several whiskey glasses later. Bucky was tending bar and he cut me off, and then made sure that I got home ok. He stayed to make sure I didn’t die from alcohol poisoning. Probably a little dramatic, but he was legitimately concerned. As I started to sober up, we were starting to get to know each other. Of course, I was an asshole before I started sobering up, I was so hard on him, and he almost left. In the end, we were both lonely enough to push past our pride.”

Steve sat in the corner, looking tired. TJ thought he suddenly looked small for a super soldier, smaller than he’d seemed from a distance, when he’d seen him at the few events before everything had changed for all of them, and he no longer seemed to dwarf the sofa.

“I fell for him even before I was sober.” TJ let out a soft laugh, “He was so easy to talk to.”

“He used to be.” Steve said, and TJ tried not to think he sounded bitter.

“I was a legitimate stranger when he met me. I had zero expectations of him, even if you tried not to; you have memories that you might expect him to live up to, even if you’re not conscious of it. I promise you, he’ll come around. Try to get to know him as he is now. Let _him_ bring up the past. We became acquainted organically, through movies, and the dogs, and music. We introduced one another to the things we were familiar with and fond of. He’s funny.” TJ smiled fondly, “He’s an idiot when it comes to the things he thinks are funny.”

“You say that like it’s a good thing.”

“It is, don’t worry, I’m a bigger idiot.” TJ couldn’t resist grinning. “I teased him about Hydra and about lost time, and shit, and while I’m over here panicking, he’s laughing at me, telling me I’m “damned clever”.”

“He always could pull you out of a reverie. I’m sorry TJ. I’m sorry I couldn't bring him back. He was so worried about hurting people, Berlin was a fresh wound, and there was just no arguing with him. How could I?”

“His choice. It’s always got to be his choice.” TJ said quietly. “That doesn’t mean we sit back and do nothing. He didn’t say don’t. He said “until”. We just need to do everything we can.”

“You’re sure you want to get involved? It’s not going to be easy.”

“I know I can’t sit back and wait, I’ve been trying to do things on my own, if I have direction, I won’t be wasting my time. I’m involved Steve. I’ve told my mom about him, and she needs to know whatever you do. It could help her catch a break. I’ll do anything that you or anyone involved thinks I should do. What about Ms. Maximoff? Couldn’t she do something to help him? I mean isn’t that one of her powers?” TJ stopped, he could tell he was sounding desperate, but he was still so emotional over hearing what had happened. What Bucky had chosen to do, and if he stopped… if he stopped to give any consideration to the thought that he’d been abandoned again, instead of focusing on facts, TJ knew he’d spiral.

Steve, even in his own grief over the overwhelming fear of failure, noticed TJ’s desperation. “I can ask. It’s bound to be hard on both of them, we don’t know what it’s going to entail, but I’ll talk to her. I’ll do anything, but it’s all going to take time. We have that, TJ. He’s safe, that gives us time. We’d be wise to take it, because we can’t do half the job. If he comes out of it with his mind clear, but without his _freedom_ , what good is that? Trust me, I really do have his best interests at heart.”

“I know, and I’m glad. I just need something to do. I need to be involved, or I’m going to lose it.” TJ scrubbed his hands over his face, “I’m sure after everything settles, after I’ve processed everything you’ve told me, I’ll be calmer about it. I’m sorry to pile my shit on top of yours.”

TJ couldn’t stop. He couldn’t slow down. Anxiety was threatening to consume him.

Steve’s voice grounded him, “I’ll find something to keep you busy, but for now? You need to take a little time to work on processing the information. Right this moment I don’t have anything, beyond getting a meeting with your mom. Bucky needs you, and Eddie here, they both need you to take a breath.”

“I’m sorry. You must be wondering what the hell he was thinking becoming involved with me.” TJ struggled to control his emotions.

“No TJ, I wasn’t thinking that. I’m impressed he found someone so passionate about his welfare, you must know he hasn’t had much of that.”

“No, he has not.” TJ let out a deep sigh, burying his face in his hands. He was afraid tears would start again, and he was trying to hide them, and to control them. Eddie shifted so that his face was against TJ’s thigh, “My mind won’t stop racing.” He finally said. “I think tonight’s going to be the hardest yet. I guess, on the plus side, that means it can only get better.”

“I can stick around here tonight if you want some company. It’s pretty safe to say I can lay low here.”

“You wouldn’t mind?” TJ looked across the couch at Steve.

“I wouldn’t want you to think I was ‘babysitting’ you.”

TJ shook his head, not quite able to laugh, or even smile, but the corner of his lips lifted slightly. “I don’t know that I want to be alone right now, and I don’t have anyone who would understand. I appreciate it.” TJ said hopefully.

“Ok, it seems a bit snug, how do you want to do this?”

“The sofa’s a pullout, you can take that, but keep in mind, Eddie might join you. He thinks it’s his bed. I can put a couple of blankets on the floor.”

“If there’s enough room for Eddie, maybe there’s enough room for you too, you shouldn’t have to be relegated to the floor.”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“Why would I mind? I’ve slept in tighter quarters. Might not sleep at all. That remains to be seen.”

TJ crossed the room to the wardrobe, opening the door, the familiar fragrance that greeted him,  and seeing Bucky’s clothes as he’d left them put a lump in TJ’s throat he thought would choke him. “There’s…” he cleared his throat, “There’s some clothes here, track pants and… and some shirts, if you’d rather not sleep in your jeans.”

TJ pulled a couple of shirts out and put them to his nose, breathing in the scent he’d almost forgotten. “Bucky’s things.” TJ said, as though it wasn’t obvious.

“I guessed.” Steve answered quietly, “It’s not necessary TJ.”

“Don’t be silly, of course comfort is necessary.” TJ tossed a white shirt and a navy pair of track pants at Steve’s chest; they were deflected by a quick swipe of Steve’s hand.

Steve watched TJ as he held the clothes to his nose again, he hadn’t been shocked when Bucky told him about TJ, at least not as shocked as he had been when he told him about feelings he’d harbored for Steve all their lives. Steve had stumbled over a reply. He was still kicking himself for his awkward response and his inability to give Bucky something more before he went into cryo. He had no idea how to tell someone who had just confessed both his love for him, _and_ another man, how he felt. Exactly how does one react to the information that you share a place in someone’s heart?

TJ pulled himself together enough to wander, half-dazed, to the bathroom to change. Being here was so hard, but it was still easier than the thought of driving home alone tonight. Tomorrow would be another day; he might even have some direction by then. After pulling a t-shirt over his head, pausing to take a deep sniff before tugging it down past his nose, TJ brushed his teeth and splashed water on his face.

Looking in the mirror brought back thoughts of bumping elbows with Bucky while using the little sink to get ready for the day, or Bucky coming up behind him with a smirk in the mirror, thoughts that were hard to push away. TJ dried his face, water and tears were both absorbed by the thick towel he’d watched Bucky fold and hang. TJ unconsciously rubbed the spot on his side where he’d been shot as he walked back out into the rest of the small apartment. “All yours, there’s fresh linens under the sink, and toothbrushes, whatever you could need.”

“Thank you.” Steve sounded as melancholy as TJ felt as he passed TJ on the way to the bathroom with the clothes in hand.

TJ pulled up a video on his phone, wishing he’d brought his laptop, or that he’d acted contrary to Bucky’s decision and bought a television. “I hope you don’t mind.” He said as Steve came back into the room and started helping TJ transform the couch into a bed. “I thought we were both way too quiet.”

“What’s playing?” Steve asked, he was looking at the couch cushions where TJ had tossed them to the floor with a far-away look.

“Whatever you want, really. I just put an animated Disney movie on for now.” TJ wasn’t sure he could tell Steve about the ‘family’ quote Bucky had quoted to him the last time they’d spoken. “It’s Lilo and Stitch. Have you seen it?”

“No. You?”

“Yeah, several times, a couple with Bucky. It’s just a gentle reminder.” TJ said the last part under his breath.

“Of what?” Shit! Steve had heard him.

“Bucky.” TJ said as he threw the pillows that he’d pulled from the wardrobe onto the bed. “Something he said once.”

“You don’t have to, but if you want to talk about it…”

“No.” TJ declined, “no, I wouldn’t want to bother you. You’re here to give me a message and you’ve done it.” TJ struggled to spread the blanket across the bed, his back to Steve as tears trailed over his cheeks.

Steve walked around to the other side of the bed, grabbing opposite corners of the blanket to help settle it evenly across the mattress. “The couch cushions; we used to put them on the floor and lay stretched across them in all configurations, listening to the radio, talking about the future. That’s not exactly the easiest reminder, but it’s still a nice memory.”

“Oh.” TJ breathed, “I don’t want to ruin the movie for you, I’ll tell you when we get to the part.”

The three of them settled on the bed, TJ and Steve sitting against the sofa back and Eddie parked between them with his head on TJ’s thigh. Steve and TJ watched the small screen between them and TJ told Steve about the phone call, and the last time he’d spoken to Bucky. “Why didn’t he call me before he went under?” TJ finally asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe he thought it would be easier. Maybe it was hard enough for him with me there, with his confession and my inadequate response.”

“You don’t have to take the blame for my sake.” TJ said as he scooted down under the blanket and sheet. “You’ve already done so much.”

“TJ, I’m not taking blame, to be frank, I didn’t react at all when he told me how he felt about me. I’d just been told how important you were to him and everything else came out in a rush. I didn’t know how to process it.”

“Do you have a problem with his bisexuality?”

“No. No I don’t, it doesn’t matter what his preference is, but he is in love with you.”

“Don’t you get it? He’s in love with both of us.” TJ looked through the darkened apartment, almost instantly familiar with it again, with the glaring exception of Steve being there in Bucky’s place.

“Yeah, I get it. That’s what makes it difficult.” Steve answered after some consideration.

“Are you straight or queer?” TJ was tired, he didn’t want to run the gamut of the labels, and he wanted to get somewhere that they could stop dancing around who Bucky loved.

“I hadn’t given it much thought until talking to Buck.” Steve sighed; he slid down in the dovers to lie flat on the pillow, looking at the ceiling and the shadows that the lights coming in the window hitting the ceiling fan made. “That’s a copout isn’t it? I might be less straight than I thought I was.”

TJ snickered; it was such an innocent admission of Steve’s revelation. “You don’t have to tell me, you don’t have to tell anyone. I was just trying to get around to the thought that we can both be loved by, and love, Bucky. If you do want to talk to someone, I’m here.”

“Thanks.”

“Would it bother you if I left this playing music? I don’t want to keep you up, either by talking too much, or by annoying you, but I don’t think I can be _alone_ in silence.”

“Go ahead. You can talk to me too, if you’d like. That was half the reason I stayed.”

“You stayed so I would have an anchor, not to have to actively entertain me all night.”

“TJ, can I tell you some things about Bucky?”

“Would that help you sleep, Steve?”

“No, but it would fill the air while I sit around unable to do so.”

TJ smiled the sad, knowing smile of camaraderie. “Ok, compromise, I’ll turn the music on low, you tell me things to distract both of us.” TJ decided, as Eddie stood up in the middle of the bed, tamped down a sizable area between them, circled three, then two more, times before flopping down in the makeshift nest.

“Dog’s ready.” Steve chuckled softly, “how about you?”

“Mm-hmm.” TJ muttered as he looked at the ceiling, before closing his eyes as Steve started talking. There were several instances of “that makes so much more sense now…” and TJ would smile each time.

“He was always there for me, and I failed him.” Steve said aloud. TJ didn’t respond immediately, so Steve looked over to see if he’d finally fallen to sleep.

“You’ve attempted to burn down the world for him three times at least.” TJ said, looking Steve in the eye. “I’d say you’re either hell-bent on making things up to him, or you’re pretty much even.”

“How can I ever make it even? He suffered because I failed.”

“No.” TJ sat up and turned toward Steve, “He suffered because there’s more evil in this world than just one man, even a super human one, can take on at one time. You never failed him. He’s safe because of you.”

“I’d say he’s safe because of you.” Steve responded quietly.

“Hardly.” TJ huffed. “Because of me, he had his peace disrupted, and he had to go on the run again.”

“That was inevitable. He was playing with fire attempting to settle, but coming back here was smart. We’d already looked for him in DC.”

TJ lay back down on his side, facing Steve, propped on his elbow, “Ok, so neither of us is to blame and both of us did as much as we could to make him safe. The question he’d ask is, are we taking care of ourselves?”

“He’d be disappointed in my answer. Not yours though, I hope.” Steve admitted.

“I’ve already confessed that I wasn’t doing so well, so no, he’d be disappointed in mine as well.” TJ answered. “We can both change that.”

“I can take steps.” Steve considered, “I guess keeping my friends and myself from being arrested is a start.”

“I’ve always skirted the law. I mean my drug use wasn’t legal. In your case, I think it’s good that you’re keeping everyone safe.”

“If I believed we’d done anything wrong, I’d be surrendering to the right authorities. I was trying to keep people safe. That’s all any of us were doing.”

“I’m going to say something from the point of view of someone who is _almost_ an outsider. Stark should be on the chopping block just as much as you and your friends, or none of you should. I mean, they’re holding you accountable for someone targeting you _and_ Stark in order to get vengeance, yet they have _that guy_ in custody.

“I think that any charges against you and your friends should be dropped based on special circumstances, and don’t get me started on the farce that they’re trying to pull on Bucky. I swear to God, if one more person calls him a “Hydra _agent_ ”, I’m going to lose what’s left of my cool. I told my mother, and I’ll tell anyone who will listen, that an _agent_ chooses his _job_. Bucky’s first choice, once he had a chance to make one, was to leave them.”

Steve looked at TJ with unexpected shock. He had friends who went to the mat for _him_ in Bucky’s defense, but even his closest friend Sam, had reservations, which he readily voiced when there was an opening. This was new; someone was defending Bucky for Bucky’s sake alone. It made him feel better about the situation.

“What?” TJ asked. He was uncomfortable under scrutiny and nervous that he’d said the wrong thing. He wouldn’t be surprised to find out he’d offended Steve. “I’m sorry. I know we’re both tired, if I offended you, I want to apologize.”

“I’m not offended. I’m far from offended. Do you know how many people I’ve heard stand up for Bucky?” Steve waited to see if TJ would reply, nothing broke the silence, “you. You’re the first person to defend Bucky actively. My friends helped me, as a favor, and because they saw the bigger picture. Sam helped because he’s indelibly faithful, and probably hopes to keep my ass safe. Not one of them said as much about Bucky’s circumstances, and none of them has any true indication of his character.”

“I’d have thought you’d expect me to do so.” TJ nervously doodled over Eddie’s ribs with his fingers.

“I stopped expecting people to do things. Too many agendas, too much pressure, it makes people shift their priorities. Even I’m not immune.” Steve said sadly.

“Human nature, but we’re also unwaveringly true to things that have been proven over time. Even though you aren’t the same person you were when you knew Bucky best, you still have the same care and the same instincts where he’s concerned.”

“I’d like to think things were the same on his end.” Steve’s sadness turned vaguely hopeful.

“I think, deep down, they are. I think he’s been finding out, when we first got together, you were just ‘a boy’ he knew, over time it went from that to ‘I don’t want to talk about Steve’ to ‘when we were kids, Steve and I…’ so he’d been working on it. He talked to you, and when he did, he told you things he hadn't been sure if he would tell you, even the last time we talked about it.”

“He really talked to you about me?”

TJ looked into Steve’s tired, emotional eyes, “Yes, gradually. It wasn’t easy at first, he had to get past all of the things he’d done and how he had imagined you would judge and crucify him for them.”

“He was able to talk to you about them.” Steve said with a twinge of hurt.

“Like I said before, and I believe the reason I gave you still applies, yes, he was brutally honest with me. I’m also _not you_. Even that took time for him to get comfortable with me before he could share a lot of it. I’ve seen and done seedier things and you’re this moral, decent guy. He’s already his own harshest judge, but he knew how you felt about good and evil, and the very thought of being deemed unworthy by you was too great a fear.”

“You make me sound so righteous. I’m not.”

“I’m just telling you how he was thinking at the time, based on things he said and the way he did or didn’t say other things. You are more so than most people I know. Just because you’re running from the law doesn’t mean your actions weren’t valid.”

“Technically, _literally_ it does. It means exactly that, but I understand and appreciate what you’re saying.”

“You’re going to play word-games with me?” TJ smiled.

“I lied five times to get into the army.” Steve said, as though that would disprove the theory that he was a righteous man.

“You did what you had to do.” TJ said simply. “You were a pain in the ass about it, to hear Bucky tell. But that was another lifetime, what next?”

“We help Bucky. After that? I don’t know.” Steve shifted to his side, pillowing his head on his forearm.

“After that, we’ll help you.” TJ said simply, knowing he had no fucking clue how to do that, but meaning it all the same.

“Thanks TJ. Try to get some sleep, huh?” Steve shifted again, lying on his back, looking up at the darkened ceiling.

“Yeah, you too.”

“Eddie’s a real nice dog.” Steve said from the darkness after several minutes of silence, when he could tell the only sleeping being was the dog, who had plopped his head on Steve’s belly and nuzzled in comfortably.

“He’s the best. Bucky saved him from kennel stress and I fell as hard for the dog as I did for the guy.” TJ said quietly, reverently, as though reliving the time.

“Thanks for staying tonight TJ.”

“I’m supposed to say that. Eddie is real good at soothing your nerves, isn’t he? He knows.”

“Not just because of Eddie, but yeah, he’s got it dialed in.” Steve said, smiling into the darkness, even as a tear wound its way out of the corner of his eye and down to drop onto the shell of his ear and then onto the pillow behind him.


	38. Chapter 38

TJ woke up to a familiar ache that only came from sleeping on his side of Bucky’s foldaway. “Bucky.” He said softly to the air around him. He sat up to reach over for Bucky and saw only the empty spot and Eddie sleeping where Bucky’s feet would have been. “Oh.” he said, sadly quiet. He looked around to see if Steve had left or was in some corner of the small apartment, and saw the bathroom door closed. Feeling a little better adjusted, TJ scooted his feet across the sheets, drawing them closer to his ass, and hugged his knees.

He listened to the sounds of the shower, the scent emanating from the bathroom was familiar, and he had to remind himself again that it was simply Steve using Bucky’s things, and not Bucky. TJ cried quietly into the sheet that was draped over his pajama-clad knees.

Eddie crept up to TJ’s shoulder and leaned on him, waiting until TJ finished before stuffing his nose in the crook of TJ’s neck. “Good man Eddie.” TJ said, reminded again of Bucky, as that was his endearment. “I just miss him so fucking much.” He said into he dog’s scruff. “At least we know he’s safe. Just doing his job, like I promised you pal.”

“What was that?” Steve asked from the bathroom doorway.

“Hmm? Nothing, sorry. I was talking to Eddie.”

“Oh, ok. I heard something as I came out.”

“How’d you sleep?” TJ asked, taking in the blue jeans and tight black t-shirt that hugged Steve’s body.

“Wasn’t too bad. Had worse.”

“Had better though.” TJ said, understanding.

“I’d prefer this. It’s oddly familiar, even if the guy I knew wasn’t the same guy who lived here. He left a lot of clues, his style of living didn’t change much, and even the stuff he used in the shower had familiar fragrances.”

TJ nodded, “I guess you’re gonna be heading out?”

“Yeah. You’ll text or call when you figure out how to put me in touch with your mom?”

‘Yeah. Hey, if you’d like, I could fix both of us something for breakfast really quick. Shit, there’s no real food here. I don’t suppose you’d be interested in waiting until I grab something from the diner down the road?”

“You don’t have to do that, TJ.”

“I know,” TJ sighed, “I know, but if you… well, you probably have to jet.”

“I don’t have to go right away if you need someone TJ.”

“No, it’s not that, I just feel… everything…” TJ sighed again, “I want to help. I want to do _something_ , I know how to cook, but there’s nothing. I think I should be doing something but I don’t know what.”

Steve sat on the mattress near TJ, “TJ, you are doing something. You’re taking care of yourself, and Eddie. That’s primarily what he wanted you to do. In addition, you’re getting a meeting for me with your mom, so we can work on a plan to get Bucky cleared, or get him help or something.”

TJ took a deep, bracing breath, “It doesn’t feel like enough.”

“I know.” Steve said simply, “Hey, how good _is_ that diner? They have take-out? Maybe you could pick up a to-go order after all.

“I could do that. You’re not in a hurry?”

“Nah. You could leave Eddie here with me; it’s too warm to leave him in the car, right?”

“Yeah, but you’re sure? I mean he is good, and he does like you.”

“I’m sure, I think it will give you some time to settle down again and we can go over any fine points while we eat.”

“What would you like?” TJ moved to the edge of the couch.

“Just get whatever Buck would have; I think that would do me nicely.”

“Ok.” TJ reached for his phone, “I’ll call ahead, less waiting that way.”

TJ shook his head as the phone rang; he had no idea why he was so needy right now, and why’d he have to over-explain ordering food? He figured Steve was the closest thing besides this apartment, and Eddie, that he had to Bucky and so he was just holding on. He’d reason himself out of that behavior while he was making the food run.

Ordering the same thing he’d order for Bucky was convenient and familiar, and it didn’t help dispel the warm feeling he’d had when he’d awoken in familiar surroundings. It was too warm and comfortable when he also felt so distraught and lonely. TJ pushed himself up from the hide-a-bed and disappeared into the bathroom to hurry his morning routine, savoring the soap fragrance before hurriedly scrubbing himself and rinsing quickly to get to the next steps, drying off and dressing so he could escape for just a few minutes.

Outside, in the driver’s seat, TJ put his head on his hands against the steering wheel and contemplated going the opposite direction, he could score a fix in minutes, and hole up at home, dulling the fresh ache that seemed to stem from his heart and his bullet wound simultaneously. He continued to think about it as he turned the car on, but Eddie came to mind, and Steve. Of course Bucky’s “ _you make sure you take care of yourself and stay clean and healthy. You know I’m coming back as soon as I can_ ” followed, and TJ swiped at his tears and steered the car toward the diner.

He’d lost count of how many times those words had led him in the right direction. So, yeah, he was doing it again. He was ‘tying his sobriety’ to someone else. He often thought that maybe it was ok this time, because he was still doing it alone. Maybe it was different, maybe this time it was simple motivation. After all, people paid motivational speakers all the time.

Distracted from concentrating on the steps to get where he needed to go, TJ turned the car stereo off. Just because he made the correct choice didn’t mean he didn’t need to focus every muscle right now on keeping the car headed in the right direction.

By the time TJ pulled into a stall in the diner’s parking lot, he was feeling a little more stable, a tiny bit closer to how he felt yesterday before the phone rang. He held the diner door open for a couple and their small child, and hoped that was a smile on his face when they said “thank you.”

The hostess wasn’t one he recognized, which actually helped him move forward. “I have a takeout order for Hammond?” He said in a voice that sounded just a bit off to his ears, quieter, and softer.

“Sure Mr. Hammond, let me go check on that, I’ll be right back.”

Again he hoped that was a smile, he couldn’t tell if he was telegraphing the right cues. She hurried back with two bags stuffed with Styrofoam containers. He half laughed at the amount of food; he’d almost forgotten the appetite of a super soldier. Well, he hoped Steve’s appetite was as hearty as Bucky’s was. He’d always felt bad splitting a burger at the bar, worried that Bucky would be hungry, but he was always reassured with a cocky smile and usually a kiss, “if I’m hungry later, I know the cook.”

TJ mechanically paid for the order, tipped generously to make up for his horrible personality flaws, and turned to leave. He ran straight into Lee, early bowling her over, dropping the bags he carried, “I’m so sorry. Oh god Lee, I’m sorry”

“TJ, hey, it’s ok. Are you ok? You don’t look ok, Honey tell me what’s wrong. Hey, Jack, I’ll be back in a little bit.”

“I don’t want to interrupt your date.” TJ said quietly, “I’ve got to get back anyway.”

“That’s just my brother, he’ll forgive me. Let me drive you, you don’t… did you have word from Bucky?” Lee’s voice dropped, she didn’t look hopeful, she looked terrified.

“I did. It’s not bad, I mean, hell, it’s not great but it’s not bad. He’s alive. He’ll be ok”

Lee led TJ out the door and pushed him down onto the bench, “Sit here. I’m going to tell jack he can pick me up. I’m driving you home and you can explain. Don’t move”

“Lee, no. Lee…” TJ’s words fell around him, she was already inside, and as much as TJ wanted to get up and drag his ass back to his car, he wanted to be taken care of even more. He’d talk to his therapist about that later.

Lee returned almost as quickly as she’d disappeared. “Ok, Jack’s good with the plan, let’s go. You know? Both Jack and Alec will get a kick out of you thinking I was on a date with Jack.” Lee took a bag from TJ and held her free hand out to him.

TJ looked up at her, frustrated with himself for allowing this to go on, but not enough to thank her and insist she have breakfast with her brother. He took her hand and stood when she tugged surprisingly aggressively. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare. I know what you’ve been going through, and I know how much he means to you. He means a lot to me too, I want to hear everything you know, and I want to make sure you’re safe.”

“You mean sober.” TJ said as they stopped next to his car. He handed Lee the keys.

“Don’t you put words in my mouth, I mean _safe_. You ran into me and you were _walking_ , I don’t want anything to happen to you in a two-ton vehicle. I am not your conscience TJ.” Lee put the bag she was carrying in the back seat and TJ did the same. They got into the car and Lee started it, noticing the silence of no radio playing. She knew that TJ was not only a musician, he was also a fan of music, but she left the radio off, figuring this was pretty big.

“I am sober.” TJ said after a long silence.

“I’m glad. So, where were you headed?”

“Bucky’s apartment.”

“Is that a good idea?” Lee looked at him before putting the car in gear, “Seatbelt please.”

“Yeah, right.” TJ answered the order, “I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad idea Lee. I don’t know anything today.”

“Ok, so what’s the word then?”

“He’s chosen to be kept in Wakanda.”

“Kept? You mean in prison?”

TJ laughed a bitter laugh and looked at her, “Kept frozen. Cryo. He chose to become an ice cube instead of coming home like he promised.” TJ’s tears fell freely.

“Oh, honey.” Lee stopped at the end of the driveway and put the car in park. “I’m sure it’s not like that.”

“It is.” TJ wept, putting all facts on the back burner in order to dramatically cry his heart out in Lee’s arms. “He’s over there, he’s not dead, but he’s not living. and he promised.”

“I’m sure there’s more you’re not telling me.” Lee said after rubbing TJ’s back and letting him cry on her shoulder, quite literally. “I’m sure he’ll come back to you.”

TJ sat back in his seat, wiping his eyes and trying to breathe normally. “He did some of those things the news said he did. Not all.” TJ looked at Lee. She was patiently waiting for him to continue. She waved a car behind them to go around. “He was framed for the bombing, but he killed the people in Berlin. He was brainwashed, the guy who framed him figured out how to get to him and… he chose to go back into cryo instead of being able to be used like that again. He’d always told me something like it could happen, but he was taking a chance that it wouldn’t. We both hoped it wouldn’t.”

“I told you I believed in him too. I still do. That’s a hero move, TJ. You’ve gone and fallen in love with a bona fide hero. Tell me he called you?”

“No. He sent his friend to tell me. He didn’t want to make it harder, and I’m sure didn’t waste any time. I just hate this Lee. I hate that I couldn’t see him. If I went there now, it would be like watching… just… it would be so hard, but I _want_ to go. I want to be close to him.”

“But he wants you to keep going here, with Eddie. He would have had you come to him if it would do anything for either of you, but it won’t. It would be less healthy for you to be there, sitting vigil. You can do so much here, keep going to the shelter and continue his work there, and keep up the good work at the dome. He promised you he’d come back and he’s taking the steps to do that TJ. I am still mad that he didn’t call you though.”

“You’re too good to me.” TJ said with the first semblance of a real smile. “I’m not mad, I don’t know that I’d ever have let him get off the phone, and he might not have been able to go through with it, which I’m sure would put him in a place he wouldn’t want to be. I’m just trying to come to terms with it all, since I just heard about it last night. I’m ok if you want to go back inside.”

“I’d rather be certain you’re safe.”

“I’ll be safe. I have to get breakfast back before it’s completely inedible, his friend will be leaving soon.”

“You mean Steve Rogers, right?”

“Listen Lee, you can’t say _anything_.”

“Honey, who am I gonna tell? I promise. You have more contacts than I do, I’d be _asking you_ who to tell, if I were the tellin’ sort. Tell you what. You promise to call me, and I’ll let you go. I’d better hear from you in just a few minutes though.”

“I promise. It’s not as if you don’t know where Bucky’s apartment is. I know you’d follow up.”

“Damned straight. You not only saved my life, Bucky would have my hide if I didn’t look after you. You think he’s capable of some heavy stuff, let someone mess with his boy. Besides, I kinda like ya.”

“I love you.” TJ said as she got out of the car.

Lee circled the car and opened TJ’s door, “I love you too, so that’s even more reason for you to be careful.” Lee stepped back so TJ could get out, and hugged him as soon as he was standing. “You promise?”

“I promise. I’ll call or text as soon as the food’s inside the apartment.”

“Don’t forget your seatbelt.” She said as she watched TJ get into the car. He pulled the belt out to show her, and fastened it before waving. Lee watched as TJ drove off before she returned to her brother inside the diner.

TJ carried the bags in, surprised the food was still passably warm. Anything that wasn’t could be warmed up quickly in the small microwave he’d finally managed to bring in, although it rarely got used, since Bucky’s ‘cooking, not shortcuts’ habits had started rubbing off on TJ.

“Sorry it took so long.” TJ told Steve as he sent a text to Lee, “I bowled over a friend at the diner, a friend of Bucky’s and mine, and she had to make absolutely certain I was going to survive.”

“It wasn’t so bad. Eddie’s been good company.”

“I was half convinced you’d get tired of waiting and leave. I mean, you could have, Eddie knows his way around here.”

“No, I don’t have anywhere to be right away, and I told you I’d stay for breakfast. I’d have at least let you know if I had to get away.”

TJ washed some plates and utensils he’d pulled from cupboards and drawers, it had been so long, and he didn’t want to offer dirty dishes. Drying them off, he looked at Steve, “Not sure why. It’s just me.”

“Do people take off on you that regularly?”

“Not as much anymore, I’m acquainted with better people these days. I guess it’s just a hard habit to break, expecting the worst from people.” TJ plated the food and offered Steve the pile of pancakes and the second plate of bacon, eggs, and potatoes.

“This is all for me?”

“Yeah, it’s what Bucky would order. I’ve got mine here,” TJ waved a hand over his omelet, toast, and potatoes.

“You’d better be open to having a couple of these pancakes.”

“You eat until you’re no longer hungry, and then we’ll discuss it.” TJ said, offering his first real smile for the day.

Steve watched TJ sit on the sofa, which he’d folded away while TJ was out. TJ was closed off, sitting in the corner with his bare feet pulled up, balancing his plate on his raised knee. He’d been pretty open the night before, sharing stories and feelings, but now it was as if they had just met. Steve sat on the sofa, taking up part of both remaining cushions, angled so that he could interact with TJ. He held one plate on the leg nearest TJ as he worked his way through the breakfast foods.

“This is some good grub.” Steve said after a few bites, switching from the egg plate, to the pancake plate. “Pancakes are better than decent.”

TJ smiled, so it was a shared passion then. “Yeah, we’d hit them up for takeout every once in a while.”

“Did you ever eat out together?”

TJ frowned, thinking about their almost-movie date, “Once. Unless you count the bar where he worked. We went to the beach and ate at this little place with patio seating. I’d meet him for lunch at the bar at least twice a week. Usually we’d cook here though, or at my place. He liked to keep it healthy.”

TJ shot Steve a curious look when he laughed. “When I caught up to him in Romania, there were snack foods, candy bars, and soda on the counter and on the fridge.”

“I guess I was a bad influence.” TJ smiled fondly, relaxing his posture. “ _Really_?”

“Really. If it helps, he’d brought home fruit. Plums I think. All hell broke loose as soon as he got there, so I don’t know much more about the state of his kitchen.”

“Thanks for being there for him. I mean I know you wouldn’t have done any less, but it still… well, it means a lot that at least someone didn’t want to kill him.”

“It means a lot that someone cares this much about him now TJ. I promise you, if I hear anything, I’ll let you know.”

“I appreciate that.” TJ said, taking a bite of his omelet. He watched as Steve finished off the pancakes, noticing little gestures or quirks that had to have been learned, or just absorbed, from being together so much from such a young age. The final swipe pancake to mop up all the syrup made TJ smile wistfully.

Steve set his pancake plate aside, “sorry if you wanted any. You were right.”

“Thanks for being polite and offering. I know you have a more active metabolism, therefore a bigger appetite. It took a while to get used to Bucky eating so much, especially when he’d just share a burger at the bar. Besides, the toast is good, they bake the bread in-house. It’s some of the best.”

“I’ll have to remember them. I never ran across that diner when I was living here. Thanks TJ.”

“It’s the least I could do, you let me stay and you stayed when you didn’t have to do either. I just couldn’t tear myself away.” TJ paused. “I guess now that I’m here, I should start boxing stuff up. I think a bunch of it can be donated to the VA, I’m going to take whatever clothes you won’t need with me.”

“I’ll take the things I slept in, but you can pack the rest. Would you like some help packing?”

“I would love the company, and the free labor.” TJ said as he sent Lee a text asking her to pick up boxes. She answered right away that she was still at the diner and they had a few, plus she could spare some from her garage. She would be there within the hour. “Our friend Lee is bringing boxes, oh, and she knows you’re here. I didn’t name names, I called you Bucky’s friend, and she figured it out, but we… I trust her. She won’t be telling anyone.”

Steve looked up from his nearly empty plate to see TJ, his posture was nearly fully open again, and he sounded eager, but slightly cowed to admit that anyone knew about his presence.

“If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t have stuck around for breakfast. If Bucky trusted her, if you trust her, I’m ok with that.”

“So what was your day going to involve before my emotional ass got involved?” TJ asked, stretching to set his plate on the side table. He sat back against the arm of the sofa, angled to look at Steve.

“As of last night, before you arrived, I had only considered sticking around until tonight, getting my bearings, and maybe later, reaching out to some contacts for someplace to go next.”

“You can stay here as long as you need to. I’ll be leaving today and probably not coming back. I don’t know if I can deal with a whole lot more time spent here, so I wouldn’t be leading curious people to your doorstep.”

“It’s a thought.” Steve looked around the room considering, he could hold onto a few items, just wash and dry one or two dishes at a time. “I’ll let you know before we’re finished boxing everything up. Maybe I’ll hold onto another shirt and pair of pants, if that’s ok.”

“Of course, most of them aren’t mine, they’re Bucky’s. If I withheld them from you, he’d probably be disappointed in me. Not that I’d do it in any case, you can take your pick.”

“Thanks TJ.” Steve said, taking the plates to the kitchenette. He washed them and dried them quickly, before putting them in the cabinet he’d seen TJ take them from. “I guess I need to get some food in here for a couple of days.”

“There’s a market not far from here, if you make a list they’ll shop it and I can pick it up.”

“I can do that, if you’re sure you want to run the errand.”

“I do.” TJ said, crossing to the kitchen, pulling out a dog dish and a bin of dog food from the cabinet next to the fridge. Eddie looked up but stayed on the floor where he’d been sleeping. “Good boy Eddie.” TJ said softly, acknowledging his behavior. TJ poured the dog food, guessing the amount from memory, and set the bowl on the floor in the corner of the kitchen. He filled a second bowl with water and set it next to the food before walking away. “Eat Eddie.” He said, watching the dog pick himself up and walk to the familiar place.

“He’s very well behaved, did you and Bucky do that?”

“We had something to do with some of his training. He was well trained by his previous owners.” TJ shook his head. “They gave him up to have a baby.”

“I’d say you got the better deal.” Steve smiled. He looked up when TJ’s phone chimed.

“Lee.” TJ guessed, picking the phone up from the sofa. “She’s outside, I’ll be right back.”

TJ was outside for all of five minutes. Steve watched Eddie eat, and then went to sit on the sofa, looking around the small apartment with the daylight streaming in through the mini blinds. It really wasn’t much different from the place he and Bucky had shared as young men, and was strikingly similar to the place where he’d found Bucky living in Romania. He guessed most base, affordable, ‘studio’ type apartments were similar. Unlike Romania, this place was tidier, though the place in Romania had a careful disarray. He was almost certain TJ hadn’t changed much after Bucky left, because this felt familiar.

Eddie came around the couch and sat at Steve’s feet, setting his head on Steve’s knee. Steve chuckled deeply when the dog belched and looked up at him as if to cast the blame on him. “Eat too fast? Or just good food?”

TJ came in and saw Steve stroking Eddie’s ear, hearing him talking to the dog with humor in his voice. “Lee brought boxes, and cookies.”

“You have the boxes, I’ll take the cookies.” Steve said still feeling amused.

“I don’t think so, half and half.” TJ said, tossing the boxes near the wardrobe and setting a paper plate full of homemade cookies on the side table. “I guess a neighbor heard Lee’s brother was visiting and made cookies. Lee’s said she’s not having a full plate of cookies lying around when her brother can’t have gluten, so, we have these really yummy looking cookies. Is there a rule about not having dessert after breakfast?”

“I think the rules have caveats when you get hard news, or you make tough choices, or you have to pack stuff up for someone far away. I think the rules for times like this say you can eat any amount of cookies whenever you want. I hope so, anyway, because that’s what I’m going after.” Steve said, not only to soothe TJ, but himself as well. “Did this place always look like this? Or did you do anything different?”

I added the table and chairs, the rugs and the microwave. Ok sounds like a lot.” TJ said, “Other than that, it’s the way it was before I came around, and it’s the way it was that last… um… the last night we were together. Except for the day that Lee came in and tossed the groceries that had gone bad, packed the staples, and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. She didn’t move anything though, said she didn’t have the heart, why?”

“I was just comparing apartments. It’s a lot like Bucky’s place in Romania, and a lot like the studio we shared a long, long time ago. Felt familiar, I just wondered if there were other influences.”

“Soft textiles. I added soft towels and bedding. It was weird, he fit into my place, and I fit in here. He did rearrange my entire kitchen, but it does work better the way he organized it. The rugs and table were gifts for Bucky, and the microwave was purely mine. I thought I needed it for reheating food.”

“You thought?” Steve asked, obviously amused.

“Yeah. I figured it would be quicker, I was used to it, but I started following his lead, heating stuff up on the stove.” TJ spread a few boxes in front of him and opened the wardrobe, Bucky’s familiar scent wafted out at him, and he inhaled slowly. “I miss him.”

Steve barely heard the three words, but they resonated in his chest, “I do too. I’m sorry you haven’t seen him in so long.”

TJ tried to catch the bitter laugh that rolled through his chest and over his lips, but failed, “I haven’t waited as long as you waited.”

“That doesn’t matter TJ. What matters is that he’s alive and safe, you miss him and he’s going to come back. We’re going to see to it, the two of us.”

TJ knelt next to the wardrobe, pulling out clothes and shoes, three pair, one he’d bought for Bucky, the other two had probably been thrift store finds. The older two he tossed into one box, the newer pair he put tenderly in the bottom of a separate box. “I know.” He finally said.

Steve let TJ sort through the items in the wardrobe and took a box to the kitchen.

“There’s some newspaper in the cabinet where the dogfood is. Jerk kept stashing it there for this occasion.” TJ’s voice came from inside the wardrobe.

Steve pulled out about two weeks’ worth of papers, and set them on the counter. He started pulling plates and bowls from the cabinet.  He put two of the three recently cleaned ones back and stuffed newspapers between the remainder, and loaded them into the box. He kept one bowl and a set of flatware, one glass and a coffee mug. The rest, a mismatched but appealing collection went into the box. Next were the pots and pans. TJ had said that Bucky enjoyed cooking, so the array shouldn’t have been surprising, but it was. Baking pans, he set aside, as well as a few of the better looking stove-top and casserole pans. The more used cookware went into their box.

“TJ?” Steve called across the room.

TJ looked up from the box he was packing full of clothes, “Yeah?”

“How much of this cookware did you want to keep? Some of it looks pretty new.”

“I have a bunch of the same stuff, take anything you’ll need while you’re here, and then pack the rest to give away.” TJ said. He considered for a moment and then added, “I’ll replace anything he misses when he’s home.”

TJ went back to folding and stuffing things into boxes, and held up two different shirts, “Which one?”

Steve selected the shirt that didn’t have the band graphics on it, and TJ laughed. “I pegged it.”

“What?” Steve looked affronted; holding aloft a heavy skillet he hadn’t put in the box yet, as he waited.

“Promise you won’t throw that thing at me?” TJ giggled. He was feeling giddy, emotions swinging from sad to silly, “I just knew you’d never go for something like this.”

“You’d be surprised.” Steve smiled, lowering the skillet into the box.

“No, I’m sure I wouldn’t. I don’t see you wearing that many band t-shirts, especially with “Barenaked Ladies” emblazoned on it.”

“Was that a gag gift?”

“Nope, one of Bucky’s thrift-store finds. It fit nicely; he’d wear it with skinny jeans and a long sleeved, skintight shirt underneath. I tried to get him to go short-sleeved, but he thought the arm would be too obvious. Of course, he was right, but… I did get him shirtless on the beach for a couple of days. Otherwise, it was long sleeves. He got good tips in this though. It had to be the jeans.”

“Skinny jeans? Really? Steve looked skeptical, so TJ got up and crossed the room while opening his phone to photos.

“Look for yourself. It’s not this shirt, but that’s typical for his shifts. Killed it in tips, Steve. The girls _loved_ him and the guys – we’re talkin’ supposedly straight guys… maybe it was his drinks, maybe it was his body.”

Steve laughed, “Nothing new.”

“Really? He said he’d never been with a guy, you sounded like you were just getting used to the idea…”

“Doesn’t mean people didn’t think he was beautiful TJ. I’m sure you get it all the time. You look hauntingly similar to Buck. It was surreal waking up this morning, seeing you. I was still blinking and reasoning that you weren’t him when I stumbled into the shower this morning.”

“I stopped seeing it about two days in, and that’s coming from a guy who looks in the mirror every day. We’re not the same.”

“No. You’re not. That’s good TJ. World could only handle one TJ Hammond or one Bucky Barnes.” Steve’s smile was warm and sincere, “Give me the band shirt.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. If I’m that predictable, it’s time to do something about it. It just makes sense.”

“It’s a stupid shirt. It’ll be great.” TJ laughed. “As long as you wear it ironically.”

“That seems pretty obvious.” Steve chuckled, taking the shirt from TJ.

...

TJ opened the music app on his phone, playing something from his better mood playlist. He took his time organizing and packing the small amount of clothing and linens, sometimes sitting for long periods just thinking. Steve left him to his thoughts, making very little noise packing the kitchen. TJ didn't look up when Steve left the apartment, nor did he know how long Steve was gone.

Steve gave TJ space to deal with his feelings on the floor of Bucky's apartment, by leaving. He wandered the neighborhood for a short time before getting on his motorcycle and taking his own space. Things were so close to the surface in that apartment, not _just_ TJ's emotions, but Steve's own. He figured he could still go back and use the place for the next couple of days, but he needed to clear his head.

He used the time to call Sam and let him know what had been happening, and how TJ took the news. He checked in on the rest of his friends before heading back toward Bucky's apartment.

TJ was sitting on the sofa when Steve let himself into the apartment.

"You came back." TJ said, scratching Eddie's ear lazily, "I didn't even hear you leave, sorry I'm such shitty company."

"Nonsense, we both just needed to deal with everything, I couldn't do it here, and you needed to."

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I checked in with the team. Talked to Sam for the longest time though, just letting him know where I ended up. He was concerned about how you took the news.”

“Sam – kid’s a total fuck up, babying his ass two nights in a row.” TJ joked.

“Not at all, told him you’re a good listener.”

“You’re not known for lying, you wouldn’t start with me would you?”

“I’m known for being a shitty liar. You’d know.” Steve said with a smile

“I’ve got everything over here packed either for my place or the VA. I’m taking Eddie there for a training session tomorrow; I can take anything you don’t need.” TJ said, moving back to the boxes in front of the wardrobe.

“Bucky mentioned you were going to do something like that with Eddie. That’s great TJ. I think Sam would be interested in hearing about that. I’ll be sure to tell him what you’re doing.”

“You don’t have to tell people, it’s just something I wanted to do with Eddie for guys like…”

“Guys like Bucky and me, and Sam. As I said, Sam would appreciate it. I really do think it’s great.”

“Sorry, still working on the compliment thing. Thanks Steve.”

“I do understand. What were you doing ten years ago TJ?” Steve crossed from the kitchen to the couch and sat on the end nearest where TJ was finishing boxing things.

“Getting high? Going to work, getting fired, did I mention getting high?”

“I weighed half what I do now, ok, so it was 70-plus years ago, to me, in here…” Steve tapped his temple, “more like ten. I was small, sickly, and weak. Bucky was my best friend, and the only person who ever complimented me, after my ma died that is.”

“Ten years?”

“Roughly.” Steve shrugged, “I’ve been out of the ice for about six, war before that, so yeah, about ten.” Steve sat down. “I hadn’t yet met the girl I might spend my life with. Bucky and I tried double dating but the gals, they just didn’t… they wanted Buck.”

“On the one hand, I see what you’re saying – about compliments that is – on the other hand, I can’t see ‘em not flocking to you too.”

“Half as big TJ. I was scrawny.”

“I’ve seen the before pictures, you were a good looking ‘scrawny’.” TJ sat next to Steve on the couch. “I mean borderline pretty.”

“You’re making that up.” Steve blushed.

“I’m not. I just don’t get it.”

“Neither did Buck. He put me out there, and believed every time. Every time, he believed one of those dames would give me a second look. Every time, he was wrong. So you see where I might sympathize with your struggle to accept compliments. Maybe yours is because you think it’s a lead-in for a favor, what you can do for someone else. Mine’s just because I don’t know what to do with a compliment.”

“I’m going to die confused.” TJ said. “You? I mean… yeah, still don’t get it. But I guess someone else might not understand why _I_ would have trouble, so it’s nice to have someone understand me. I mean, since Bucky.”

“Remember, he’s alive. We can’t keep talking past tense about him. He’s coming back, so we have work to do. This? These boxes are a start. He’s gonna need some of this stuff when he comes home.”

“Thanks for not making it feel like a chore.” TJ said, as he returned to the boxes and bent over one, tucking the flaps inside one another. “I hope it hasn’t been for you.”

“TJ, I need a place to stay; you needed a place to recover from some pretty hard news. I understand how you’re feeling, at least somewhat. It’s far from a chore. I think we could even be friends.”

“I’d like that. So that means if you need anything, all you have to do is call.”

“I’d say that deserves a cookie.” Steve reached across for the cookies on the table, pulling two sugar cookies from the plastic covered paper plate. He stretched the remainder of the space to hand one of them to TJ.

TJ smiled gratefully at Steve. “Thank you for all of this. It really means a lot to me, even if you only did it because that’s what Bucky would want.”

“Like I said, I think we can be friends TJ. The only thing Bucky has to do with that is asking me to give you a message, and maybe our shared fondness for him.”

“I used to be much better at this. Bucky’s leaving really did a number on me. He had to disappear while I was recovering from a gunshot wound, and I kinda slipped back into myself. It was easier when he was around to think I was worthy of someone’s affections – of any kind. I’m not hitting on you, I swear – now, it’s almost like I have to start over.”

“Starting over, that’s where we both are, I guess. We’re going to need all the friends we can get. Why would you say you’re not hitting on me? I mean? I know you’re in love with Bucky.”

“I guess it’s just part of the whole waning self-image thing. Preempting misunderstood intentions, that sort of thing,” TJ shrugged, talking around a bite of cookie, “I haven’t socialized in a while, old friends bring bad habits. Having Bucky to myself was nice, but not conducive to retaining my social graces. What followed was not having him at all, which isn’t all that easy for me, except Matt and Lee have made it easier. They used to work with Bucky at the bar, now they work at my – the club I kinda work for. They’ll come by at random times to watch movies, bring food, stuff like that, and talk to me at whatever level I’m capable of, which sometimes isn’t much. Not that you could prove it today. I always have to answer for it at the therapist’s office.”

“So, like you said, Bucky wouldn’t be too thrilled with your promise to take care of yourself.”

“Exactly.” TJ sat heavily onto the sofa, slouching. “I should really do something about that. Sometimes I convince myself that _just being clean_ is enough, but…”

“But, Bucky has missed out on a lot and it would be nice when he comes back if one of you can navigate the social circle you’re bound to be part of. Your family won’t let you stay this way indefinitely.”

“Well thanks Jiminy Cricket.” TJ said, looking sideways on the sofa, his head brushing the Barenaked Ladies shirt that was draped over the back. He closed his eyes, savoring the scent. “I hadn’t gotten to that point yet.”

Steve stifled a chuckle at the slam. Each time TJ let his personality peek through the misery, Steve could understand more why Bucky liked him – correction – loves him.

“But you’re right, I obviously haven’t been keeping my promise to him. He wanted me to _take care_ of myself _and_ stay clean. Not just one or the other. I just… haven’t had the energy.”

“Working, training the dog, socializing – even on a base level – with Lee and Matt was it? That’s a start TJ.”

“I guess. I’ve also kept going to the shelter and walking the dogs, I think it would make him happy to find out I’ve been taking care of them. It helps get me going in the morning, after taking Eddie out, instead of folding back up under the blankets.”

“Sounds like enough for me, I mean for a start.” Steve offered.

“Are you this accommodating to all of your friends?”

“Well, that depends on where they are. Did they just get some news that rocked them sideways? Yes. Are they well established and being assholes? No. You fall into the first category TJ.” Steve’s smile was genial.

TJ felt unstable, as if the sofa was going to fall through the floor, “I know I said Lee and Matt are cool, but really, they and Bucky are the only ones recently to be _kind_ , I mean Alec too, but he’s a little more removed, I’m not entirely comfortable when people are _nice_.”

“It’s part of the compliment thing, right? Not used to it, can’t handle it. I’ll stop. Have another cookie.” Steve ordered. “Can we use your phone to order groceries? Are you still willing to pick them up?”

TJ took a second cookie, “Yeah,” he pulled up the market’s site and signed in before handing it over to Steve, “Shop your heart out.”

TJ sat against the corner of the sofa, sprawled across nearly half of it, TJ thumbed Eddie's ear, tracing the shape of his wide forehead, before running his fingers over the dog’s cheeks and jowls. He munched on his second cookie, stroking Eddie’s soft-to-coarse fur and whiskers, focusing on a random spot on the textured ceiling.

Steve set the phone down, “Thanks TJ.”

“You’re welcome. It’s the least I can do, I can’t thank you enough for telling me what Bucky needed you to, and everything else was just above and beyond. It’s not easy dealing with me on a good day, and you have your own shit to deal with thanks to all of this, so I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you. Honestly, Steve, I really do.”

“It’s actually been better than you give yourself credit for. I’ve enjoyed it to the extent that I’m kind of sad to think it’s ending. If you ever tell anyone I admitted as much, I’ll deny it.”

“I won’t tell a soul.” TJ promised with a smile, “Was your order successful?”

“Yup, about twenty minutes.”

“I’ll bring back dinner too. I can just leave yours with you and take mine home, I just…”

“TJ, stay as long as you’d like. If it’s too hard, I understand. If you can’t go home yet, I understand that too.”

“Thanks. I’ll think about it. Any preference for dinner?” TJ was torn; the invitation to stay was more than he could hope for, after months of not being able to come to Bucky’s apartment, he was starting to feel good about being here, and having a hard time going. He told himself it was because packing was just barely completed, and the boxes hadn’t made it to the car yet. He knew it was more than that, so much more. Another shower with Bucky’s things, another night on a lumpy mattress that smelled like home in a way nothing ever had.

“A burger sounds good, and some thick steak fries. That diner any good for something like that?”

“Yeah, hell yeah. I can order while the groceries are loaded.” TJ was grateful for more familiarity and comfort food. “Can Eddie stay with you again?”

“Sure he can, we’re getting to be good friends.” Steve said eagerly, petting Eddie’s exposed stomach as the dog lolled on the couch. “Call me when you get back, I’ll bring a box down and help carry up groceries.”

TJ left, and something drove him to turn toward home. He rushed up the steps and grabbed his laptop and something to wear to the VA tomorrow. He was going to stay just one more night, incapable of embracing the idea of being alone tonight and unwilling to call any of his family or disturb Lee while her brother was in town, and as much as Matt was a good guy, he deserved to have his night off with Carol.

TJ picked up the groceries and dinner, with much less drama at the diner this time. He called Steve as he was pulling into the driveway. When Steve brought one of the heavy boxes down, TJ thanked him, “Sorry I took longer than I should have, if you meant it, I’d like to stay one more night. I just, I don’t want to rush the last of the packing, and I haven’t been here since Bucky, and…”

“TJ, I meant it. Ok, that burger smells really good, let’s get this stuff inside.”

They ate at the counter and put stuff into the fridge or the cupboard next to it, with TJ laughing at some of the items, and their similarity to either his shopping habits or Bucky’s.

TJ wiped hamburger drippings from his chin, and watched Steve as he ate quietly. “Steve? How are you holding up from everything going on with you, and with having to lay low?”

“I’m ok.” Steve stopped, TJ had bared his all, and as much as his first instinct was to not burden the guy with more, maybe the ‘kindness and compliments’ barrier TJ struggled with could be weakened by some honesty completely unrelated to TJ’s own suffering. “Fuck, that’s just not true.”

“Did you? I mean – Steve – did you just say ‘fuck’?” TJ asked, and then realized what followed the word in question, “Wanna talk about it?”

TJ’s initial, honest response caused Steve to smile, “Yeah, I did, and yeah. Yeah, I think I’d like to, if you’ll put up with hearing about it.”

TJ gathered the takeout containers from their breakfast, and from their dinner, “Sit. I’ll be back after I take these to the trash and Eddie does his thing, and then you can talk as long as you need.”

When TJ and Eddie came back inside, Steve wasn’t sitting. He had piled the boxes by the wall and was pulling out the hide-a-bed. “Thought things could go long.” Steve explained, unfolding the blanket. TJ helped get the bed ready as they’d done the night before, and then dashed into the bathroom to change.

“Might as well embrace the theory.” He said, coming out of the bathroom in a slouchy shirt and the same track pants he’d worn the night before. “This shirt is the dumbest thing. I love it.” TJ said, pulling the V-neck up to inhale the scent, “It was thin and tired when he bought it from a fifty cent bin, but he swore it was comfortable, every time I complained about it. Joke’s on me, it’s comfortable.”

Steve’s quiet laughter as he passed TJ made TJ smile, “I’m taking your lead, sounds like a good idea.”

“Do you punch dudes for eating cookies in bed?” TJ called over the sofa back, as he sat in the corner of said sofa-bed eating a cookie.

“Not if the crumbs stay on your side.” Steve called back from the bathroom. “Why, you eating a cookie in bed?”

“Maybe.” TJ called over a mouthful of cookie, wiping icing off the corner of his mouth with his thumb.

“I couldn’t’ hear you.” Steve said, coming out of the bathroom, tugging the Barenaked Ladies t-shirt down over his chest. TJ licked the icing off this thumb slowly, watching the snug shirt cover inch by inch of incredible muscle.

“Said, “maybe”.” He answered, clearing his throat, then took another bite to distract himself. “Brought my laptop for a better viewing experience if you change your mind about talking.”

“Or you get bored.” Steve said, pulling another cookie from under the plastic wrap.

“Not at all, I brought it before I realized I monopolized the entire day, and you have to be struggling too. It’s a hazard, recovery, focusing on my feelings and the best way to manage them. So, Steve?” TJ waved his arm across the expanse of the bed in invitation to commence talking.

“It’s been rough.” Steve started, sitting against the opposite corner of the sofa bed. “I lost…” he swallowed, “I lost Peggy, found out about Buck – about the bombing, and after two-plus years of looking for him, all of a sudden there he was. I had dozens of questions, only asked a few, but he was stone-faced, and frightened. Not very open. I mean, like I said, frightened. He’d seen the report. He was half ready to die. Dammit, I wanted to strangle him. Hiding, lying, giving up. I didn’t know, I had no way of knowing what he’d been through – I didn’t know he was hiding and because he was in love he was hurting.”

“How could you know that?” TJ pinched small bites of icing from the top of the last half of his cookie.

“I got my answers, after all hell broke loose, and it was my turn to stand there stone-faced. He said he was in love with you, and begged me to give you his message. “promise me” he’d said urgently. Then we sat down and he says, “I wasn’t going to tell you this, don’t wanna complicate anything. I’ve always loved you Stevie.” And I just…” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, near the adorable crooked spot, before rubbing his eyes with his long fingers and thumb. “I didn’t say anything. After “I promise” when I said I’d give you his message, the last thing I said to him was “you sure about this?” I wonder, sometimes, if it was about the cryo, or how he felt about me, or about you, or both. Hell, all of the above, but he went under not knowing, because I didn’t know. I didn’t know how I felt about his revelations.”

“It wasn’t fair that he dumped all of that on you at the same time. I guess time constraints don’t allow for deep topics, you know you don’t have to figure it all out at once, and you don’t have to do it right away. You definitely have seniority on this one, and you’re a hell of a lot stronger. If it was what you both wanted, I’d hate every second of it, but I’d step off.”

“TJ – I didn’t tell you all of that for that reason.”

“I know. Trust me, I’m sitting here, trying to figure out what the fuck I just said. I love him, and I’d fight for him if it were anyone I’d have a chance against, but you’ve been the love of his life for his whole life.”

“TJ, you might have a bead on how much he loves me, but I saw, I know how much he loves you. You’re not getting away with “stepping off”. He made me pull up recent news stories on you, to see if you were ok. He was very specific, and very urgent about his message to you.”

“That must hurt.” TJ said compassionately.

“Actually, it doesn’t. He’d been tortured. He’d been – ah god – all manner of tortured and mutilated, of course I wouldn't begrudge him falling in love. Jesus, he nearly melted when I showed him a recent paparazzi photo of you. I thought it was great. It wasn’t until he told me how he felt about me and I had a chance to wonder how. How could he love you and profess to love me? But then, coming back here, I was reminded of Peggy, and how at one time, even though I didn’t know that’s what it was, I was in love with the two of them.”

“What happens when he comes home? We share? I mean… that would make a great story.” TJ huffed, tossing the last bite of cookie in his mouth.

“Well, let’s get him home before we worry about that. He should have some say in it.” Steve mused, laughing to himself at the mere thought of what the press could do with a story like that.

“More snacks?” TJ asked. Steve nodded, and TJ crawled over the arm of the sofa, pulling chips and Oreos out of the cupboard. He’d have to do double-time at the gym, but Steve wouldn’t be fazed.

TJ pulled music up on his laptop and settled closer to the center of the sofa back. He put the cookies in Steve's waiting hand.

"That's what I need. Oreos, they just sounded good.” Steve grinned.

“Please tell me you’re a firm believer in finishing off the package in one sitting? Bucky’s against it.”

“Times like this? You finish the package. Do you want some milk? I know I’m not five, but I’m a dunker.” Steve confessed, unfolding his long legs from the sofa.

“Sure. Did you keep two glasses? Or do you have to exhume one and wash it?”

“Have a glass and a mug. They don’t have to match, right?”

“True. What kind of music should I put on? This was just a default ‘shuffle’.”

“Bucky says you’re not only a great pianist, but that you’ve written and sold some. Do you have it on there?”

“Well, I released one. Not that it’s doing much, and I’m not doing much to pimp it either. At the risk of sounding conceited, yes I do have some originals on my laptop.”

“Nothing wrong with keeping your creations, I do.” Steve finished filling the glass and mug with milk.

“You? Really?”

“Sketches mostly. Portable art.”

“You have your sketchbook with you?” TJ turned and draped an arm over the sofa back.

“Yes, it’s in my bag if you want to pull it out. Shoved it down in the front when I had to get moving again.”

TJ crawled across the bed and leaned over the arm to unzip the bag on the floor. His fingers landed on the spine of the book as he stuck his hand through the opening. He pulled it out and set it near Steve’s side of the bed before settling back into his spot.

“You can open it, just sketches, nothing too personal.”

“All art is personal.” TJ said, running his fingers over the softened, worn edge of the book’s cover. He slid the book closer and pushed the cover open with his index finger, looking at the first page. Images of buildings that made TJ guess Russia.

“One of the leads I followed to find Bucky a year or so ago.” Steve said, rounding the sofa and handing TJ the glass of milk. “Obviously that was a mistake.”

“It wasn’t a mistake to follow up on leads, he stayed underground for good reason. See. I told ya all art was personal. You’ve been living out of that bag? Have you had a roof, a floor, and a bed?”

“I guess you’re right, and yes, thank you for asking TJ.”

“I think it’s safe to say you can squat here as long as you need. I can keep the rent up if money’s an issue.” TJ flipped the page to what appeared to be Gorky Park if his hazy memory of the time he accompanied his mother to Moscow was correct.

“TJ.” Steve said sternly, as he sat back in the spot he’d made his. “I don’t want you to do that. You need to take care of yourself. You can’t keep adopting stray fugitives, it sets a bad precedent.”

“Yeah, I’ve been living dangerously, more than a recovering addict should.” TJ answered, swishing his Oreo in the glass, waiting for the right moment of softness, “Well, not these past months.”

TJ put the cookie in his mouth, raised an eyebrow in Steve’s direction, and the sketchbook fell open to the center page, depicting people Steve had recently fought with, and against. TJ recognized Stark, Colonel Rhodes, Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, and there were others he wasn’t acquainted with. When his eyes lingered on Natasha Romanoff, he thought about Bucky and about how his voice would soften when he said “Natalia”.

“I can pay the rent and keep the place open. It’s possible a couple of friends could stop by, not at the same time of course, do you think that could be a problem?”

“Not if they know how to keep a low profile, I won’t be coming back. I mean not as some random surprise. If you’re in town and want a visitor, I can bring Oreos.” TJ smirked, dunking another cookie.

“I’m pretty sure we’ll be working together, you and me, so yeah, you’d better bring cookies.” Steve smiled.

“Working together.” TJ mused, imagine, working with Captain Fucking America. Yeah, right now, the guy was more fugitive than _superhero_ but god dammit, he was a superhero, world like it or not. “Yeah, at least I can be the go-between until you get set up with my mom properly.”

“TJ, I’ll be asking you for help, and advice, and a myriad of things, because I want you to stay in the loop on this. I want you to know what we’re doing to help Buck. That way, if at any given point I can’t continue, if I get snagged, or something, you can keep the ball rolling. This isn’t brute force work, this is smart, thinking man’s work, and you’re smart. This is something you can help me with.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start.” TJ said, dropping his third Oreo into his milk, from the surprise.

“You will, because you’ll know what’s happening, and what’s next.” Steve watched TJ fish the cookie out of the milk, appreciating the shock, and understanding the helpless feeling TJ must have been wrestling for months. “I’m going to need your help, will you?”

“I told you, anything I can, I’m… I’ve been beside myself thinking there was something more I should be doing. You don’t know how many times I’ve walked to my closet and turned away again; thinking _just maybe_ something in those notebooks of his would help. I can’t bring myself to invade his privacy that way. He only ever asked me to keep them. As open as he was, he never _showed_ me any of them.”

“It shouldn’t come down to it, but if it does, I’ll do the invading. He can blame me. Good. I’m happy you’re going to help.”

“Anything.” TJ breathed. He opened the bag of chips for something to do with his hands, he was careful to use one hand for chips and the other to continue to flip through the sketchbook until he landed on one of Bucky, soft-faced, with his hair shorter than when they’d been together, but still on the long side. His eyes filled with tears and he couldn’t stop his name from rushing out as another breathy sound, “Bucky.”

Steve reached into the bag and drew out a handful of chips, letting TJ work through the emotions that his art had prompted. He used the silence to focus and listen to TJ’s music and appreciate it as TJ had been his sketches. The current song was light, though he doubted TJ was benefitting from the mood of the music. He leaned closer, “May I?”

TJ reluctantly relinquished the sketchbook, avoiding eye contact. Steve thumbed through the pages behind the sketch of Bucky until they landed on one he’d drawn after leaving T’Challa. One of Bucky, freshly clean, his wounds dressed and starting to heal, wearing the crisp white. He’d drawn that image a few times, one was tucked safely in another section of his bag, and several were in this notebook. A catharsis of sorts, he supposed. Steve tore the page he’d been looking for from the sketchbook. “You’re welcome to continue to look; I thought you’d like to have this. From the last time I saw him before leaving Wakanda.”

TJ took the rendering, brushing his long fingers along Bucky’s cheekbone and then his jaw, “Steve… This is – oh my god – it’s gorgeous. Thank you.” TJ didn’t think twice about clutching the image to his chest. He looked at Steve. “I’m… I’m stunned.”

“You're welcome TJ.”

TJ slipped the paper under his laptop, sliding his fingers across Bucky’s face once more before lowering the computer to hide the likeness. Steve watched the reverence with a slight discomfort, feeling practically voyeuristic. He knew the feeling, having done the same over a photograph he’d been given of Peggy, and of course every pen stroke over Bucky’s familiar face.

“I think I do love him.” Steve whispered.

“I knew you did.” Proving to Steve that the words weren’t private, he’d spoken them. “It’s ok to be queer Steve.”

“Is that what I am?” Steve looked up, “Before yesterday, I didn’t spare a thought for it. It’s convenient, isn’t it? Just this one thing for just this one person.”

“A lifetime of denial, you deserve to know who you are. Are you ok with it?” TJ asked. Steve was comforted by his earnestness.

“I guess I have to be, it’s as much ‘me’ as the will to breathe.”

“You’d be surprised, a lot of people reject it, or try. Fear does funny things to a person.”

“I’ve only ever been afraid of losing him, of being alone. I’m not afraid of a _label_.”

“People can be harsh. Cruel.”

Steve laughed, it started as a simple “huh” sound from the back of his throat, and evolved into a gut-busting laugh that had Steve sliding down between the sheets, sinking against the back of the sofa, “Would you believe? I know that _so well_.”

“I don’t mean villainous, alien-gods, I mean ignorant people who have no room in their dusty little brains for open thinking.”

“I know TJ. It was my mission, long before all this happened,” Steve waved a hand over the length of his body, “to put a stop to each slight, armed only with fury and indignance.”

“That’s right, he did mention saving you from having your ass handed to you. He said you’d defended a good number of twinks – punks he said – from having their heads bashed in. I thought maybe he was exaggerating to make you look even more amazing.”

“Nah, he’s right. People being bullied, I’ve never liked it. Never will.” That’s one of so damned many reasons I couldn’t sign The Accords.”

“Mom said she wanted to take more time with those, “ _international pressure_ ” wouldn’t allow for it. I blame that fuck-face Ross.”

“He’s a piece of work.” Steve reached for another Oreo and another handful of chips, “So, what movies would you recommend?”

“We can watch whatever you’d like. I just – ok, maybe not Lilo and Stitch again.”

“Too soon.” Steve smiled sympathetically.

“If you want to continue the animated route, would you prefer classic or computer animated? Or would you prefer a live action movie?”

“I don’t care, as long as the dog lives.”

“That’s your cutoff, huh? Who did it and what did they make you see? There’s always a movie and perpetrator to that caveat.”

“I did it to myself, I watched Marley and Me.”

“Oh jesus, you didn’t. Ok, no, no dogs dying.” TJ absently toed Eddie’s fur as he snoozed at the foot of the bed. “I couldn’t handle that either. ‘Up’ is cute, but no. Not today, I need something happy, or at least a little goofy. How do you feel about Mel Brooks movies?”

“Surprise me.”

“I’m going to pick something you’ve seen, if you make that choice.”

“Haven’t you? Seen them, I mean? Isn’t that why they exist, to be watched and rewatched?”

“Oh, that’s right, justify your position with a series of obvious questions. Ok fine. We’re watching Blazing Saddles, and if you’ve seen it before, you can just watch it again.”

“Sounds good.” Steve nodded.

“I promise, I’m out of your hair tomorrow. I can’t keep doing this to you, or to myself.”

“TJ, you’re not _doing_ anything to me. I don’t mind the company. If you and Eddie weren’t here, I’d be stuck with my own thoughts, and they’re not always righteous or heroic.” No, sometimes they were damned depressing. He couldn’t spend every waking minute thinking about how he’d failed, and what could be done to fix it. “If it helps you to leave, or to stay, don’t think twice about talking to me about it.”

TJ quietly considered the words as he started the film, angling the laptop screen so that they could best see it. The plus of a larger screen was heightened visibility and they could sit more comfortably, the drawback was that they weren’t forced to be as close physically as when they’d huddled together over his phone to watch the night before.

TJ hadn’t realized how much he’d missed the closeness of another person. He’d realized, of course, how much he missed being able to see and touch Bucky, but he hadn’t sought the comfort and company of others. There were no sofa cuddle sessions with Lee, she would hang out, of course, and they would hug when they greeted each other, but thinking back, he would sit in the corner, his posture was closed off and uninviting, unlike when he’d been with Bucky. After that first week when Lee had visited, giving him comfort and holding him, TJ had started to shut everyone out and would sit with his arms wrapped around his knees.

He missed it. TJ sagged against the sofa back, moving the chip bag and Oreo package off to his right. Steve either figured out what the opening signified or he needed the closeness too, because he settled a little closer to TJ, angling so that he could see the screen. They were well into the opening scene when Steve reached across for another Oreo. TJ blushed at the sudden realization that Steve might think he was angling for something more. “Sorry, I’ll move ‘em back. I was trying to make room.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think, excuse my reach.” Steve smiled before biting into the cookie. “Don’t. They’re fine where they are, next time I’ll just have you pass me a couple. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

TJ snickered, “I thought maybe you’d think I was making a pass or something.”

“Were you?” Steve’s grin was sly.

“No, did you think?”

“Nah.” Steve laughed softly, “I just wanted a cookie. Do you always worry about what someone thinks? Should I be concerned, TJ? Do you hit on _every_ guy you come into contact with?”

TJ paused the movie, “I told you, I’m out of practice being around people in recent months.” TJ chuckled at the way Steve made it sound obvious he didn’t think he did hit on every guy. “I don’t when I’m sober, no.”

Steve smiled, a warmer, more intimate smile, “I wasn’t hitting on you either, in case you thought I really was bad at it. Which, by the way, I really am really bad at it.”

TJ’s laugh was delighted, “No way. You’ve got a gift for speaking, a smile that won’t quit – if you use it – and wow, I mean I’d have to be dead not to acknowledge the body.”

“I thought we kind of covered that already.”

“We did. I still can’t wrap my head around it.” TJ shook his head. “You know? I shouldn’t be hungry. I really shouldn’t, would you be willing to share a pizza?”

“I could go for some more food, yes, I’d be happy to share a pizza.”

“Not that I wouldn’t hit on you.” TJ said as he pulled up the pizza app on his phone and started swiping through the order process, “What do you want on it? I’m in the mood for either all meat or a combo, we can do a combo if you have to have vegetables.”

“All meat is fine.” Steve smiled, marveling at TJ’s back-and-forth discussion.

“I would, probably, if I wasn’t hopelessly waiting for someone else.” TJ continued as he completed the order process. “I didn’t see any soda when we put the food away, did you want some? I’m getting soda.”

“No, I’ll have a beer from the – oh shit, I’m sorry TJ.” Steve shifted uncomfortably, not sure if his comment was worse than his reaction to it.

“Fuck that. You can have a beer. Bucky used to. I brought micro-brews home for him all the time. It’s up to me to worry about, not you. I’m the one who packed the six-pack inside, remember? What did you think I’d imagined you doing with them?”

“I know, but it was just rude of me.”

“A: what did I just say? B: you didn’t know I’d be hanging on like a hair in a biscuit. Jesus, I sound like my dad. Have a beer. I’m having soda with my pizza.”

“Ok.” Steve sighed, trying to decide if it was worth it to pass. TJ might be more offended if he didn’t have the beer, but it wasn’t like it would have any effect on him if he did. Was it worth it?

“Listen, have the beer. It’s going to do the same for you as the soda does me, if it affects you – or doesn’t – the way it does Bucky’ it’s the flavor you want. I swear to you, I haven’t given it one thought since I stuck it in the fridge. I used to think I could handle alcohol but not drugs, but I’ve been happier leaving them both alone.”

“People do this to you all the time, don’t they?”

“It’s familiar, yes. I had a very similar discussion with Bucky when we first started out. I appreciate that it comes from a good place, but worrying about it puts more focus on it than not. A quick “is this ok?” is much better than “dammit, I shouldn’t be doing this normal thing normal people do”.”

“Which is exactly where I took it right out of the gate?” Steve’s smile was shy.” I’ll work on my delivery.”

TJ laughed at Steve again, “You do that.” He said with a smile. “Back to the movie?”

“Yeah.” Steve settled back against the sofa, his shoulder brushed TJ’s as he got comfortable, and TJ shifted just enough that he could maintain that contact after pressing play on the laptop.

When pizza arrived, TJ made the circuit of the room, stopping at the fridge to grab Steve’s beer, and setting it down in the corner of the sofa, before moving to the door. TJ stepped outside to sign the receipt, leaving a healthy tip before taking the food, and thanking the driver. He’d done this before, and a time or two he’d wondered what the press would say if the driver decided to gossip about TJ Hammond, half-dressed, in _this neighborhood_. He usually saw the same two drivers, and he tipped well, which he’d hoped was better than gossiping. He just didn’t want anyone finding Bucky’s apartment, now the rogue Avengers’ safe house, TJ thought with a smirk as he went back inside with the jumbo pizza, garlic knots and soda.

“What’s so funny?” Steve asked, as he paused the movie and shoved the laptop to the side, until they could figure out the best arrangement.

TJ set the pizza in the newly vacated spot and sat back in his place. “I tip well, trying to keep the loyalty of the drivers who come here. I always wanted to keep Bucky’s place a safe haven. I was just thinking how it’s more of a Rogue Avengers safe house.

Steven opened the largest box, waiting for TJ to take the first slice. “Go ahead.” TJ deferred to Steve when he realized what the action implied. “Free-for-all, there’s plenty. I can order all night if you don’t get enough.”

“Really TJ.” Steve scoffed.

“I mean it. My motivation to _not_ order takeout is no more. I had been putting money not spent on takeout onto a visa gift card for Bucky, but since that’s not a thing any more, I can splurge.”

“You could use your money for something _for you_.”

“I did.” TJ grinned, taking a bite, then holding a piece aloft, “Pizza.”

“I meant something more tangible, in the near future, maybe. Put it away. Here’s an idea, save for _when_ Bucky comes back. You two could go on a trip.”

“Road trip.” TJ murmured, remembering.

“Yeah, that would be a good ‘welcome back’ gift.” Steve agreed.

“We talked about it, a road trip to California, historic route 66, stay on the beach, go to Disneyland. I mean, it was my idea, but he always sounded like he wanted to do it too. We made a list, actually. It’s sad how simple the list was.”

“Is.” Steve corrected. “What’s on the list?”

“Oh, the road trip. Then there was me taking him to Grandpa Hammond’s farm. Going out dancing, showing him the Whitehouse kitchens, junk like that.”

“All good things. Did you – have you danced with him?”

“Just twice. He led me in the Lindy, and I sort of taught him some Salsa.”

Steve chuckled as he pictured it. “I’ll bet he picked it up fast.”

“I don’t know how well I taught him, but he was amazing. I’m just not sure how much of it was actually real Salsa dancing.”

“I’d say it doesn’t matter much as long as you both had fun.”

“We did.” TJ was certain, “it had been a rough day, but that was the beginning of the highlights of the day. It’s crazy when you put two people together who have issues, those issues sometimes overlap and sometimes they just alternate back and forth. I guess that’s why you always hear that you should have your shit together before you get involved with someone else.”

“I don’t think that’s fair. If you’re having issues, no matter what they are, does that mean you have to be alone as well?” Being alone is tough.”

“Right? I agree. Which is why we clung to each other instead.”

“TJ, it seems like it was working. Outside influences forced you apart, not inner struggles.”

“Back to the movie.” TJ said decidedly, “I’m so bad at this lately.”

“No, I’m the one encouraging the tangent.” Steve said apologetically, “I hope I didn’t make things harder. If you’re ready, we can pick up where we left off, if not, I’m here to listen.”

“I’m good. Let’s finish the movie.” TJ rearranged the laptop and the pizza box so that they could still be easily accessed, settling against the back of the couch again, and rubbing Eddie’s fur with his foot.

They finished the movie, the pizza, and the cookies, with their shoulders brushing any time either one moved for food or for their drinks. TJ watched as Steve cleared the food trash from the bed, folding it all up into the pizza box, and setting it on the counter. Steve returned to the bed, “what’s next?”

“Just music, if that’s ok. I could set a timer so it shuts off automatically.”

“Of course music is ok. It was pleasant last night, quiet enough not to be a bother. I’m all for anything that makes you comfortable, TJ.”

“Thanks Steve.” TJ considered for a moment, biting his lip as he thought, “Would you be willing to help me get the rest of the boxes into my car in the morning? I have to get out of your hair tomorrow, and get back to the dogs and take Eddie to the VA. Back to life.”

“I’m happy to help. I’ll probably miss you when you go, this has been nice TJ. Spending time with you, getting to know you, I’ve really enjoyed it.”

“Thanks. I have too Steve,” TJ slid down between the sheets, “one of these days, when Bucky and I are tackling the list, adding hanging out with you and not while in hiding should be on there. Maybe the three of us could go to a baseball game.”

After some silence, TJ heard Steve’s voice in the darkness, “Add it to the list.” TJ thought for sure Steve was smiling.

“Added.”


	39. Chapter 39

TJ walked Eddie from the VA to the car, followed by a couple of employees. He flicked the remote to open the trunk and instructed them which boxes would go inside. They loaded the cart with the goods that TJ had obsessively checked before Steve took them to the car, and again, after he’d arrived at the VA earlier. He’d made sure the notebooks Steve had brought from Romania were in his bag in the front of the car, and hadn’t slipped into one of the boxes. Really, that was the only thing he was worried about losing, but if the clothes he’d decided to keep for himself had ended up in the giveaway pile, he’d still be upset.

They thanked him, and he’d thanked them for their help before he closed up the trunk and let Eddie into the now-running car. TJ pulled out his phone, texting a quick “VA Accomplished” to Steve and then called his mom, fully expecting to be asked to leave a message.

“Thomas.” Elaine sounded concerned.

“Hi Momma.”

“Where are you? Where have you been?”

“I’m fine.” He said, even though the question hadn’t been asked, “I stayed a couple of nights at Bucky’s abandoned apartment. I just got done at the VA with Eddie, his training went great, and I unloaded a bunch of clothes and kitchenware here as well.”

TJ thought that sounded like well-adjusted and incredibly adult behavior.

“Can you meet me for lunch?”

“I would love to.” Really, he wouldn’t love to, but he’d at least enjoy seeing _her_  and it would give him a natural opening to ask for a favor.

“You’re lying.”

“Yeah, I’m lying, but I want to see you, so I’ll join you for lunch.”

“Where would you like to go?”

“Whatever’s easiest. Ask Clark what he’d like.” TJ half teased, he couldn’t resist mentioning her personal guard.

“I know honey, it’s not ideal, but…”

“Listen, I know. Half my life, remember? It’s necessary. So how about Zaytinya?”

“Ok, I’ll call ahead. Can you meet me right away?”

“You’re going to call? Don’t you have fifty people who should be doing that right now?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I need about forty minutes. I just finished up at the VA, I have to get Eddie home and situated.”

“Ok, that’ll probably be better for the restaurant anyway,” Elaine admitted. “TJ, while you were away, packing…”

“Mom, I’ve stayed sober. I’m fine, honest.”

TJ let his mother go so she could do whatever it was she was doing that wasn’t actually making the lunch arrangements herself. He drove Eddie home, thinking about how much to tell her, what, and when. He needed to hook Steve up with his mom, he didn’t know if she knew where Bucky’s apartment was, or if knowing that Steve was there would jeopardize him. She was too smart, she’d put everything together, so he needed to be on his toes. He wasn’t _lying_ , he wouldn’t lie, but he would not jeopardize Steve or his friends. Not just because doing so would jeopardize his own chances to help Bucky, but because he had really enjoyed Steve’s company, and Steve’s prediction that they’d be friends was more likely than he’d given credit.

He parked down the road, after pulling his bag from the car. He locked up and straightened his shirt, folding up his sleeves to the still-warm weather. He smirked, shaking his head at the thought that last night’s binge eating hadn’t obscured his waistline, yet. He surveyed his appearance in the reflection of his car window, rearranged his curls, and slipped his shades back on.

Sure the weather was warm, but fall air was starting to threaten cooler days. He thought about how spring had brought him Bucky, and fall had brought him Steve. It seemed backward, somehow, yet perfect, the Winter Soldier coming out, into his own, into spring, the heralded super soldier – sunshine personified to hear Bucky talk – walking into the autumn. TJ patted the bag, feeling the reassuring weight of Bucky’s notebooks. He’d have to ask Steve again how he’d acquired them. Maybe now that they were closer, he’d feel like confessing.

As TJ turned the corner, he saw the familiar contingency of security, which he still affectionately referred to as the Imperial Stormtroopers, because why not? Typically they’d feel familiar and _comforting_ , but they made him itch and cringe with unease. It was as if they knew he was hiding things, and were trying to ferret out what it was. He took a bracing breath as he entered the black zone, removing his shades and being as open and unguarded as he could, in spite of the secrets that caused the pit in his stomach.

Once inside the restaurant, he saw his mother already seated at the table, wearing a pale blue blouse that flattered her and a fashionable suit trouser. Elaine stood up when she saw him, inviting him in with her smile and open arms. “It’s been too long.” She said into his neck. He held on longer than was typical, missing her so much more than he’d realized, missing the embrace of his momma.

“It has.” He nearly wept into her hair as he breathed in her familiar fragrance and sighed. “I’ve missed you.”

Elaine invited her son to sit, and waited until he was comfortable before lowering herself into her own seat. “You’ll have to tell me what you’ve been up to.”

“What’s the word on Bucky?” TJ said almost simultaneously.

“Thomas, every time? You have to lead with that?”                             

“With _him_. With his _welfare_ , yes, I do.” TJ emphasized. “It’s what I’ve been up to, you know I’ve been patient.”

“You have, for the most part. Ok, I know he’s been extradited to Wakanda. He’s their concern right now. I haven’t reached out to King T’Challa and I’m not sure I’m going to.”

“Why?” TJ should have been surprised, but he wasn’t. He was disappointed, and afraid his mission would be a failure.

“He was a fugitive, he’s now been captured. He’s their legal prisoner TJ.”

“But he did _nothing_ for them to imprison him for.” TJ said impudently, “That Zemo guy framed him with the UN bombing, and _he’s_ in prison for that, and more. Bucky can’t be a prisoner in Wakanda for the same crime. You have to have the extradition overturned.”

“He’s still killed people. Would you have him extradited back to Germany for the Berlin murders? Or here for the Stark murders TJ?”

“Mom.” TJ steeled himself against the raging tantrum that threatened to break free. “Do you remember what we talked about? About Hydra and brainwashing, and about how he was tortured and never consented to be their weapon? Do you remember that he had to have his memory erased and his entire personality destroyed in order for them to command him to do those things?”

“TJ, that was before Berlin.”

“No. That has _everything_ to do with Berlin.” TJ said, unwavering in his certainty.

Elaine looked at TJ, blinked before looking again, closer, “What do you know?”

“I know that he was brainwashed and that Hydra set him up with trigger words, anyone who can learn them can get to him and make him a weapon. I told you that he was afraid of just such a thing.”

“TJ, you want that kind of liability loose on the streets?”

“He was fine for two years. He was making his life, and if he hadn’t – if **I** hadn’t led Hydra to him, he’d still be safe, and none of that would have happened. He let his guard down because of me, and I let people follow me to him. He wasn’t a danger, or a menace until I got involved.”

“Then you can’t protect him from the wrong people making him into a weapon.”

“No. But I’d be one of  the people trying to find a way to dismantle the triggers, so that he’d be safe again, in his home, with people who love him. I’m already involved, I’m already searching for solutions to these problems. I owe him that much. It’s what he deserves, what we all deserve, being loved.”

“I've got to hand it to you. Your arguments have gotten more calm, I’m impressed.”

“I have something I need from you. Calm is the only option. It needs to be kept between you and me.”

“That.” She paused, the server bringing her drink was perfect timing. They ordered food and TJ ordered his iced coffee. “That doesn’t sound promising.”

TJ nodded, he knew that, but he had one goal. “I’ve had word, I know a little more about Bucky’s circumstances than what you’ve told me. I know he’s safe, and I knew he was in Wakanda.”

“How did you get this information?”

“A friend, my friend needs to speak with you, privately.”

“Your friend.” Elaine looked at TJ pointedly.

“Yes, now that we’ve met.” TJ said saucily, “We’re friends. And _no_ , I’m committed to Bucky.”

“Who is this friend, how would you propose I meet this friend in private, considering the security that surrounds me, and what… is… really… going on?”

TJ slipped a square of paper across the table, Elaine unfolded it and read TJ’s handwriting:

            “Steve Rogers needs to connect with you regarding recent events, you name the place,  
            or give him a number to call.”

“Really?” She looked across the table, before taking a deep, pointed sip of her Zaytinya Martini.

TJ thumbed the stem of his water glass, “Yes, really.”

“Am I going to have to start having you followed?” She asked. TJ couldn’t tell if she was serious or joking, and he wouldn’t put either past her.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t. I’m sorry, but I’m involved, and you already knew that.”

“I found that out way, way after the fact.” She said, clearly disgruntled by the whole thing, still.

“I know, but it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve broken the law. I’m not even hurting anyone this time.”

“You want credit for _how_ you break the law that I’m supposed to be upholding?”

“I want you to understand the situation, and try to help our heroes. They’ve helped us time and again, and then when they need us, we turn our backs? You folded under Ross’ bullying, and you need to fix that.”

“If you think I don’t already know that, TJ, you really don’t know me at all. I want you to come to the house. We can talk there. I have a lot of things to say to you, and I’m pretty sure you have a thing or two to say to me.”

TJ was quiet until long after their lunch was served, thinking about just what she was implying, could it be good? Could it be conspiratory? When he spoke again, he brought up less pressing things, asking about her closest staff, asking about incidental business, nothing of importance. Elaine realized his patent disinterest in the things he was asking about, so she changed tactics, “Tell me about the VA today. How did Eddie’s training go?”

“Well, I dropped boxes from Bucky’s apartment off at the VA. I gave away about three-fourths of his belongings, as if I had a right to. I figured once he’s home, I’ll replace whatever he needs, until his military compensation can be put into effect.

“Eddie and I went in, it was definitely different. You’ve visited military hospitals.” TJ paused. He rubbed the palm of his hand on his knee. The entire time he was there, every time he saw something less pleasant than he’d expected, the thing he was looking at wasn’t what would take hold in his mind. Images that had been leaked from Bucky’s time in Siberia took hold. He was going to have to get past that if he and Eddie were going to do well in the hospital. Someone else’s suffering is never more important than that of the person in front of him, and their comfort in his presence while handling the dog had to be his priority.

“I have.” Elaine said, understanding the discomfort that was clear on TJ’s face, again she was concerned for his sobriety. “Are you sure this the right thing for _you_?”

“I’m not. Not sure yet, no. I’ve only had the one session though. We go on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’ll know more as things progress. I need to approach things differently. Those images Dougie so helpfully sent me didn’t help today, is all.”

“I could still have his head for that.”

“Mom, I’d have found them anyway, I’m not hiding, my head’s not in the sand. I’m looking for anything I can find, from evidence – which keeps being made public, making the _prosecution’s job harder_ – to ways to help him emotionally. I’m not remotely done with this.”

“You’re not behind the leaked photos are you?”

“No. I’m not. I wouldn’t want to be _behind_ anything that could even remotely jeopardize his freedom, so I stay clear of that, but if it’s making the prosecution work harder, and maybe even have to take a _second look_ , I’ll sit back and observe, with a bucket of popcorn, while it happens.”

Elaine couldn’t resist smiling at TJ’s ‘no nonsense, had quite enough’ attitude. She had to admit, he was so different from the man she’d dragged to California, and even stronger than the man she’d comforted when things had started falling apart just weeks ago. “I’ve said it before, and I never know if you believe me, but I’m so proud of you, Thomas, you’ve matured so much.”

“I’m not sure that’s true.” TJ blushed. “If you knew what I’ve been doing the past few days, but I’d like to think I’m making progress, so thanks.”

“I see the progress, that’s what counts. I would like to hear what you’ve been doing.”

“I camped out at my boyfriend’s abandoned apartment with a friend, we watched movies, ate a lot of junk food, I mean _a lot_. And talked about my boyfriend and my feelings. Not very mature. I packed up all of my missing boyfriend’s belongings, keeping some, and donating the rest. Mostly the almost all-nighters, eating junk food, and watching movies should disprove the maturing theory.”

“I don’t know, everyone needs a little of that. It sounds safe enough.”

TJ was pretty sure he wasn’t imagining the traces of disbelief, concern, and doubt in her voice. “I swear to you I’m sober, I encouraged him to feel comfortable having a beer while I drank soda, not unlike right now where you’re drinking a martini and I’m having coffee. I can control myself, I’ve been doing an amazing job of that, actually, considering the shit I’ve been through, and the two weeks on pain medications. I’ve been going to therapy, and I'm going to start doing so more regularly, taking care of shelter dogs, Eddie, and myself, plus pulling a regular schedule at The Dome. The only thing I’ve had trouble with is having a social life. I just don’t care enough about being sociable. That’s next on the agenda for me and my therapist.”

Historically this much explanation would mean the exact opposite of what Elaine was hearing, but she was inclined to believe that he just had a lot to share. He did have a lot on his plate recently. “I’m glad you’re going to address it.”

“Even if I tell you that the motivating factor is so that I can be one-half of a couple who _can be social_ once Bucky comes home?”

“I’ll take what I can get, if it gets you in the right direction.” Elaine said.

“Wow, that’s new.” TJ remarked, “Typically it would get me a lecture in irresponsibility.”

“and it wouldn’t work. As long as you address it with your therapist, and start working on making that part of your life healthy, it’s a start. I don’t know why all of our meetings wind up a showdown.”

“We’re too alike in the wrong ways.” TJ said, although he still believed what he’d said to Dougie all those years ago after his accidental overdose, Dougie did get all of mom’s good genes.

“Maybe we are. I’ve never seen you so focused and passionate. I hope there’s something for you to be as focused on, and as passionate for once you succeed in getting your boyfriend home. The urge to do something and the challenge, is always more enticing than a resolved problem.”

“I take exception to that. I’m _focusing on_ a few things, and I believe I’m _passionate_ about each of them. There’s my volunteer work at the shelter, therapy training with Eddie, increasing the entertainment at The Dome, managing that, and co-managing the kitchen on top of it. Not to mention, I’ve just booked myself to perform four shows at The Dome for the holidays. Just because I’m not saving the world’s problems, doesn’t mean I’m not _focused and passionate_. The world has you, dad, and Douglas for that.”

“I’m sorry Tommy. You’re right, of course. I didn’t realize the extent of things you’ve been up to – I know – it’s partially because I’ve been too busy to ask. I’m sorry about that too.”

“You’re right. Showdown. I’ll add that to the list of things to work on.”

There was a silence between them while each processed what the other had said, adding to the mix that TJ’s mind had replayed conversations he’d had with Steve and the longing ache that was ever present due to Bucky’s absence. The moment the pain flickered across her son’s face, Elaine recognized it, and reached across the table, covering TJ’s hand with hers. “I’m still open to try and help Bucky. I’m at a loss for how to do it at this point. Maybe meeting with your friend would give me new insight.”

“Maybe.” TJ muttered, “Can you help _him_ and _his friends_?”

“To tell you the truth? A secret? I’ve been working on that. It’s complicated, but nowhere near as complicated as Bucky’s case.”

“You know why they did what they did. It wasn’t just about Bucky. There was a bigger threat. Even Stark acted on it. I don’t see why it’s so complicated. Is it just because he signed and they didn’t? Even though they weren’t ever ratified? You know, he still went against The Accords, and he’s free. Is it money? He saw the threat and acted on it too.”

“Like I said, complicated. I am working on it, and those Damned Accords. Some oversight _will_ have to happen, you know that, don’t you?”

“Of course, that makes sense, if it’s done right. I understand people need protection, even and especially the ones that The Accords tie down. There needs to be a safe way to oppose or propose changes, open minded people pulling the strings. They need to be allowed some autonomy, waiting for a declaration? Waiting when a problem can be solved instantly? These documents don’t allow for the people who _know_ what needs to be done, and have experience in doing so, to make decisions. There needs to be flexibility.

“Can you tell me that The Avengers caused _more damage_ in New York than the World Security Council would have by _nuking the city_? I realize this isn’t exactly public knowledge, but I know about it because of where I live, and who surrounds me. Does the UN know? Wasn’t that brushed under the rug, instead of being documented as a mistake that _almost happened_? Correction – it happened, but it was _stopped by The Avengers_. Of course, if they’d stopped that nuke _after_ The Accords, they’d be in defiance of the accords. If they’d followed the laws of The Accords, New York would no longer exist, there would be ongoing collateral damage beyond New York City, and the world would be asking why the hell The Avengers let it happen.

“I don’t know the details, or the ramifications of any of the other things they’ve been sidelined because of. Only New York, but I’m convinced the answers will be similar. I could spend a lot of time and effort learning about it, and I’d still be able to defend each of the choices they’ve made in the interest of saving millions. Don’t get me started on what happened, and what _could have happened_ here in DC. That could take me a week to discuss. If I – a junkie musician with a basic education – can come to this conclusion, on just _this one point,_ then you – a political genius – should be able to come up with _something_.”

Elaine listened, she watched, and listened to his impassioned speech. At first she was afraid to interrupt him and cause him hurt feelings, but as she listened, she realized that she was constantly dismissing what TJ knew. Reducing it to feelings, and to how it would connect him to his next failure. Instead, she heard his insight on the points that she knew she should be focusing on in her fight against The Accords as they were currently written, as well as the defense of the fugitive “former” superheroes.

TJ realized he’d monopolized the discussion, and stopped talking when he saw his mother quietly regarding him. He ran through what he’d said in his mind, wondering if he’d started rambling, when she’d squeezed his fingers. “You’re right. There are a lot of points that should have been addressed, and need to be still. Thank you for your insight. You may have just inspired an idea, the beginnings of one, anyway.”

Ok, TJ wasn’t ready for that. He sat with his mouth agape, and his eyes wide. He realized as much, only when his eyes started to feel dry. He closed his mouth, blinked, and cocked his head, almost as Eddie would do when trying to decode what TJ was blathering on at him about. “Ok.” He said, after taking a sip from his water, and wishing, just this once, that it was a little stronger. There was no earthly explanation for his mother agreeing with one of his rambling arguments. Correction, he didn’t ramble this time. He was certain he’d kept his emotions in check and his brain was in charge. “Ok, I didn’t see that coming.”

“I’m glad I’m not as predictable as you’ve made me out to be, and your education far exceeds basic. I can’t help what you took away from it.”

“Thanks mom.” TJ sassed, taking the jab as it was intended.

“Will you come by the house tonight? I really want to discuss more of this with you.”

“Yeah.” TJ sighed, “Can I bring Eddie?”

“Of course, you know I’d love to see him again. I have to go, you’ve given me a lot to think about, and I have a lot that I need to do in addition to that. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine Momma. I should get back to Eddie, and I have some work at home for The Dome that I should get to today, as well as compiling my holiday set list. I need that in place so I can rehearse properly. Will you try to make one of the shows?”

“Opening night. Just tell me when and where.” Elaine rose, and kissed TJ’s temple. “I love you TJ.”

“I’ll get you the schedule. I love you too Momma.” TJ answered, standing to hug his mother. “Stay safe.”

“I can’t not with this crew.” She teased. “You stay safe, I don’t know that I like your extracurricular activities.”

“I’m not going back.” TJ said with a sigh.

“If you want to stay tonight, you can.”

“Thanks Momma, I need to get back to being comfortable with just Eddie and me. Feed me dinner and I’ll be fine.”

TJ walked back to his car feeling drained. There was hope in the back of his mind, but he was fighting the urge to go home and curl up in bed. He did have work to do, and he was going to do it. When he walked into the apartment, he turned on the laptop, started some music, and when he went into the bedroom to let Eddie out of his crate, he gave the bed a wide berth, knowing if he even sat down, he’d curl up and cry himself to sleep.

…

TJ had been here so often, correction, grew up here. He looked around the room that had been redecorated, again. It didn’t feel like home. It could be humbly appointed or richly adorned, and the living quarters for the First Family would _never_ feel like home to him. Eddie sat at TJ’s feet, with his back to TJ. TJ knew that Eddie was being his protector, because he could feel the unease rolling off TJ. He tried to relax, so that Eddie would let down his guard, but all he really did was slouch on the sofa a little, as he listened to his mother, as The President, on the phone.

Correction, He listened to his mother’s voice, picking out sharp barbs every once in a while, and smiling at the sass he knew he’d inherited through her, from Nana. A crisp bark pulled him from he reverie, he touched Eddie’s head, trailing his fingers over the boxer mix’s ear, and looked up. Speak of the devil, Nana was being escorted in. TJ shot to his feet, “Shh Eddie, it’s just Nana.”

“ _Just_ Nana?” She said from across the room, appalled.

“I mean’t for Eddie, you’re no threat.” TJ grinned, crossing to her, and enveloping her in a hug. He stood in her surprisingly strong grasp, and kissed her on the side of her head. “I’ve missed you.”

“I haven’t been anywhere for you to miss. You know where to find me.”

“I know, I’ve been busy, too busy.”

“You should do something about that. You should never be too busy to visit your grandmother. You know I worry about you.”

“I’ve been good, I promise, just working hard.”

“Working hard at making yourself scarce.” She scolded, pulling him along with her to the sofa.

“Yeah, if I’m busy, I don’t have time to think. It works for me.”

“Well,” Margaret said, sitting on the sofa, “It doesn’t work for me. I want to see more of you. Don’t make me come find you, You might be embarrassed at my choices.”

“You could come find me, if you wanted.” TJ sat down next to her, squeezing her hand when she took his into both of hers. “No way I’d be embarrassed by you, and you wouldn’t be finding me in any embarrassing situations anyway.”

“You’re joking.” Margaret turned to look at TJ.

“No, I take that back, I’ve been known to sit on the sofa with a carton of ice cream, and ice cream stains on my shirt. Lee’s threatened me with blackmail photos several times. That’s how she gets the best shifts.” TJ laughed.

“That’s pitiful.” Margaret said with a soft, fond smile. She searched her grandson’s face, happy to see him laughing, but saddened by the pain etched in his face behind the laughter. “You’re being healthy – other than the ice cream?”

“Clean, cooking my own meals, which consist of some kind of vegetable at all times, and I exercise regularly.” TJ confirmed, ticking off each accomplishment just like he does every day. “The past couple of days are the exception. I had more than my fair share of junk food, but I’m back on track today. You can ask Mom.”

“If she ever gets off the phone.” Margaret said with a smile. “I can’t stay for dinner, but I heard you were coming by, so I had to see you. I know your mom wants to talk privately with you, so I promised I would leave before that happened.”

“I’m glad you came, it looks like you can visit for a few more minutes.” TJ said, looking at the set of his mother’s shoulders as she looked out the window and continued her discussion. He thought he heard her say “Thad.” And tried not to listen in. If she was heated up in conversation with Thaddeus Ross, it could be good, or it could be bad, and he didn’t want to weigh the options tonight. “What do you know?” TJ asked his grandmother.

“I know you're still committed to Bucky Barnes, even though he got you shot, and I know your mother is beside herself with worry over it. I know you’re going to remain committed to him, and so she needs to do something about it in order to alleviate your heartache and her own worry. I also know she will, TJ.”

“You know that?”

“I’m convinced.” Margaret stated, “He’s going to need a lot of help when he comes home TJ.”

“I know Nana.” TJ sighed, how much he knew would blindside her, “He was starting to come out of it before he had to leave. He was staring to _live_ , and maybe even forgive himself a little. Now he has to deal with _watching_ me get shot – which wasn’t his doing – seeing Lee almost get shot. He has to live with Berlin, and he’ll have to live with the feelings of responsibility he’ll undoubtedly have for the fugitive Avengers. He’s also going to need care and comfort after coming out of cryo. I started bookmarking everything I can find about the possible psychological effects. I have a lot of reading to do, I want to be able to at least know what to expect, if not how to help.”

“That’s a lot for someone like you or me to take on.” She said sympathetically, “are you reading anything about how an addict can operate in that situation?”

“No. I’m pretty sure this is unprecedented, but I am going to be talking more and more to my therapist.” TJ admitted. “That includes discussing that exact worry.”

“I’m proud of you honey, I just don’t want you to get hurt. Any more than you have already.”

“I know, thanks Nana. I just can’t keep going around trying not to get hurt. I can’t let him go, I love him and he loves me. He only stayed behind because he didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. How can I give up on someone just for acting out of conscience?”

“You don’t.” She said simply. “But you don’t shut people out in the interim. You need strength to build strength. You’re willing to be his, who will be yours?”

“You?” TJ smiled at his grandmother fondly, “I’m fully fortified with you on my side.”

Margaret chuckled, squeezing his hands in hers. “You’re not, but thanks for saying so. You do have more than just me.”

“I know. Thanks for the reminder though.”

“You’re welcome. This is also your reminder to not be a stranger.” She replied, “I have to go. Come find me this week for lunch.”

“How about Thursday after Eddie and I finish our VA training session?”

“You’ve got a date. Call me ahead of time so I know when to expect you.”

TJ rose and gave his grandmother a hand up. “I love you Nana.” He said into their hug.

“I love you too. You remember _everything_ I said.”

“I will. Thanks again.”

Margaret was gone for fifteen minutes before Elaine was off the phone. TJ kept the thought that maybe she’d been talking to or about Ross for at least some of that time, and that it might be in an attempt to help either Steve or Bucky, or both. If he could keep that in mind, he could stay calm about being sidelined, again.

“I’m so sorry honey.” Elaine said as she sat next to her son on the sofa. “I truly am.”

“Thad?” TJ hadn’t intended to ask, but he couldn’t reel the question back before it was out of his mouth.

“Yes.” She said, obviously weighing how much to say to TJ before continuing. “Funny how he calls me when I’m trying to figure out how to pull the rug out from under him.”

“World emergency, or missing fugitive Avengers?” TJ asked, humor tinging the edges of his voice.

“Well, according to him, the latter equals the former. You don’t agree?”

“You know how I feel. Do you agree?”

“I rarely agree with him. Suffice it to say he’s not happy with me right now. So, tell me about Steve rogers, how he came into contact with you, and how you propose I meet with him in private.”

“He was sent by Bucky to give me a message. Without poking into things, because I know you have infinite resources, do you know where Bucky’s apartment is?”

“I don’t.”

“You won’t go looking?”

“It depends on what business you have there. Are you doing drugs and having alcohol fueled sex parties?”

“No.” TJ knew she was teasing, partly, he wanted to reassure her as much as she wanted the reassurance.

“I take it, then, that you’re operating your own Secret Avengers’ Halfway House?”

“I’m not operating anything.” It was true. Offering wasn’t operating.

“They’re going to go somewhere. If you know of a place that they can be safe, I’m going to look the other way. I shouldn’t, but this is the least frightening illegal thing you’ve ever done, and that’s pretty extreme, so I will. How much plausible deniability do you have?”

“Um, not much.” TJ sighed, “I’ve never _technically_ paid the rent, my name’s not in the books, I’ve had food delivered, paying with my card. On multiple occasions, and recently”

“I could call that past discretions. Yesterday and the day before because you were moving your loved one’s belongings. Don’t do it again. If you go there, which I don’t advise, carry in. From someplace out of the area.”

“Jesus, you are sneaky, mom.”

“Bet you wish you’d have consulted me sooner. You get it from me, your father is always found out. So, I know it’s been a while since I ate, are you hungry?”

“I am. I ate last when you did.” TJ followed his mother to the dining table. “Did you tell Nana she had to leave?”

“I did. I told her I needed to talk to you.. I still do.”

“She took it well. We’re having lunch together the day after tomorrow.”

“That will be good for you both. She’s been worried about you.”

“One of these days, people will stop that.” TJ shook his head.

“Not these people. Your family worries about you because they care.”

“Ok, there’s that. I thought you’d have a better idea how to meet with Steve, say – absolve him from his actions – considering he’s a hero, and he did what he did to help, not harm.”

“I know his motives. Personally, I applaud them, but I can’t just…”

“You can. Expungement, Immunity, or Pardon.” Those are all things you _can_.” TJ looked up at his mother, nodding in thanks to the person serving their food.

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“It really isn’t. This is more than just a personal thing. These people are heroes.” TJ ate his food, letting the words settle around them.

“You’re choosing your words more carefully these days.” Elaine broke the silence, “You’ve learned a thing or two.”

“I’ve even learned to speak, instead of yelling. I want to be heard, yelling just gets me tuned out. Making it about me gets me tuned out as well, and what I have to say is important.”

“I know it is. I have to choose my next steps wisely. I can’t just make a cool decision and say “because I said so”. I need to be able to back up anything I do. It could take some time. I promise it’s not getting put on the back-burner. It’s going to be a priority, but it _will_ take some time.” Elaine paused, regarding her son carefully, “You’re asking me to not only do battle with the UN, and the world at large regarding the sensitive nature of Sergeant Barnes’ case, but to overturn The Accords and expunge the records of all of the fugitive Avengers. You can see how something like that could take some time?”

“I understand. I just want it to be an active project. I’m not expecting overnight miracles, simply an active plan, and acting on the plan. If you could, random updates wouldn’t hurt.” Honest to god, it took everything in TJ to say those things, of course he knew, but he’d waited, and he’d worried, and there were the early days when he was completely forgotten about in the interest of world security issues. His heart was hammering in his throat as he lied about understanding, and under sold how important regular updates would be to his well-being.

“It’s just you and me  TJ.”

How did she do it?

“If I let anything slip, I’m afraid the rein I have on my emotions will slip with it. Just know this is important to me.”

“I know TJ. I appreciate your passion, and your self-control. I will keep you in the loop. If it makes you feel better, I’ll even add a reminder.” She pulled out her phone.

“It does, actually. Since you managed to forget our birthday, neglected to let me know you weren’t coming when you were supposed to be on your way, and various other forgetful acts in my direction in the past five months.” TJ said, not mincing words. “Please pencil me in.”

“Touché. You’re funny.”

“So I’ve been told.” TJ’s face fell as he thought of how often Bucky had said as much.

“I’ll do everything I an. Have Steve meet me at your apartment tomorrow. I’ll tell Clark whom to expect when he personally sweeps your bedroom, and why. I trust him,  TJ.”

“I know you do, I’m glad you can. It’s more than I could have hoped for, so tomorrow at what time? I can skip the shelter for one day.”

“Nonsense. What time do you typically finish up?”

“Wednesdays – around eleven. It’s the grooming run, and video spots for the adoptables.”

“Ok, so you get home around noon? I’ll be here at 12:30, 12:45 at the latest.” His mother decided, checking her schedule to be certain. “See? You’re right there.” She teased, after saving the appointment.

“I’m honored.” TJ answered, “I’ll let him know to come early, and expect you late. I’m just grateful that I didn’t have to give you two weeks’ notice.”

“You’re family. You get perks.”

“Gee, thanks. So, you have room for any incredible, adoptable pets in your place?” TJ  asked, looking around. He spied Eddie lying across the room, watching them with one eye open. “None are as well behaved as Eddie, but they all have potential. I could get _you_ the friends and family special.”

“This could be illegal.” Elaine teased.

“Nah, I think you’re safe. If you adopt a black animal, though, you _do_ get a special rate. It’s that time of year, and they’re least adopted all year long. Just look at Eddie. He’s beautiful. Can you imagine not adopting him because of his luxurious black fur?”

“Do you do the TV spots? You should do the TV spots. You’re a charmer, and you’ve got a lot of heart.”

“I passed. I didn’t want to offend anyone.”

“What? After all you do for the animals, that’s far from offensive. Of course, it’s your call.”

“I didn’t know if it would imply presidential endorsement or not, and I’ve been  trying very hard to keep my nose clean – no pun intended – where you’re concerned. Forget I said anything, but if you consider a pet – don’t forget _that part_.”

“TJ, you’ve really made me proud. This past few months, with Bucky gone, you’ve had so many opportunities to slip up, to do what you did when Jacob broke up with you, or worse, and you’ve only gotten stronger. I’m proud of everything you’re doing, even if some of it frightens me. Have you thought about what you’ll do when you don’t have this fight to fight?”

“You already mentioned that today, he’ll be with me. We’ll do more of the same, and I’ll do anything I can to help him cope with life after his ordeal. He’s not the same as when he left, I’ve already been made aware of that. I’m expecting him to be skittish, uncertain, and something less adjusted than when I met him, but I love him, and he still loves me, so we’ll work through everything else.”

“What about the other alternative?”

“There is no _other alternative._ I know he’ll be out, and I know he’ll come home. You’re going to work on it, and if you fail, I’ll find another avenue to help him. I’ll get a fucking law degree just to represent him and I’ll get him out myself.” and if anyone thought this was the first time TJ had thought about this… he knew what he had to do, but he really hoped someone with experience and actual skill would do it.

“Honey,” Elaine reached for TJ, “You’re right, I’ll do everything I can. I just wanted you to be aware of all possibilities.”

“Mom.” TJ breathed, setting his napkin on the table, “I know only one possibility. He’s coming home to me.”

Elaine struggled to hide her frustration and disappointment. Of course he would accept only one outcome, after all, he was her son. She’d been innocent and trusting once too, however this wasn’t a matter of the one he loved letting him down. It would be she who did the heartbreaking if she didn’t do everything possible. “TJ, do you have any plans for when he comes home? Plans to help him readjust?”

“I’ve already been reading into the studies Hydra did on him. I need to go back and look up the information about studies following cryo, and start looking up how to help and manage psychological effects that are mentioned. I don’t expect it to be as bad as some of his worst studies; he isn’t having his memory wiped.” TJ swiped at a tear, “Steve assures me that T’Challa’s professionals have taken every physical precaution to ensure his safety. They have a process for when he’s ready to come out of it, and they have more professionals to lend support for the first days to weeks he’s out. Nobody knows what kind of effects the process to get the trigger words and whatever other bullshit they did to him neutralized will have though, so we have to wait and see on that.”

“Jesus TJ. You’re that deep into those Hydra reports?”

“Yes. I told you, I’m committed to getting him free, before now it was mostly about his defense, but now that I know he’s gone back into cryo, I need to know how to make things good for him again. I need to know the worst so we can give him the best Mom. If you know how bad Hydra are, how is this, his case, how is it so hard to argue?”

“It’s the intricacies of the multiple governments involved that’s the problem, and the delicate nature of his position right now. Consider this, if we clear him now, and the recovery process makes matters worse for him emotionally, he could become a bigger liability. If we don’t know the state of his mind and we proceed to try to get him cleared, we could lose the case based solely on fear of the unknown. If we wait to be sure he triggers can be neutralized, or removed, that’s where we have his best defense.”

“I see.” TJ considered, feeling his heart pounding, “He’d want to know he was safe for release before being released. He wants to be free of Hydra’s bullshit, at least he’s safe in Wakanda until you could clear him.”

“Complicated. I’m sure it’s been hard, and will continue to be. Are you taking care of yourself with all of the terrible information you’re absorbing?”

“Yeah, even talking to the shrink about it. I actually have some resources from my therapist that came out of that conversation. The last update, I haven’t discussed yet.”

“I hope your therapist is focusing more on your well-being, and that you’re allowing them to.”

“Of course. My well-being has been made a priority. I can’t take care of Eddie, or help Bucky if I’m breaking down, and I’ve broken down on Bucky enough.” TJ pushed away from the table, “Mom, I’m tired. I’m going to beg off before dessert. I’m fine, honest, but all of this discussion, plus the VA, and everything has just… I’m exhausted.”

“The past couple of days probably haven’t helped. If you’d like to stay…?”

“No, as I said earlier, I just want to take Eddie home, and wind down. I’m comfortable at home.”

“Ok.” Elaine stood up and closed the distance between them, “Not without a hug.”

“I love you. I’m sorry if I’m being difficult.”

“I can think of times you’ve been more difficult. I promise to keep you in the loop where I can, and I will work on this. I have a feeling I need to find out what Captain Rogers has to say.”

“Yeah, I kinda thought so. Please promise me this won’t be a trap.”

“TJ, you have my word. Only one person other than me will know. Call me when you get home, I could have someone drive you if you’re too tired.”

“Momma, I’m fine, I’m not too tired to get home. I will either call or text, I promise.”

“I love you.” she said as she pulled him into a hug.

“I love you too.”

“Eddie, you take care of my boy.” Elaine stooped to scratch behind the dog’s ear.

“He does. All the time.” TJ assured her, “See you tomorrow.”


	40. Chapter 40

Once at home, TJ tossed his jacket across the piano bench, threw his keys and they skidded across the coffee table, and kicked his shoes wildly across the room. Tomorrow, he’d pick everything up, all the while complaining about not being such a slob, but tonight, he was exhausted.

He fell onto the bed, texting a quick “I’m home safe.” To his mom, and for Steve a longer “mom wants to meet you at my apartment tomorrow around 12:45.” Then he added “she’ll probably be late, you should come early to avoid the perimeter pre-sweep.”

“How early?” Steve sent back, the vibrating alert waking TJ from his half sleep.

“I’ll be home around 11:30 I could pick you up before that if you want a ride, or you can meet me here. Your call.” It took longer than normal for TJ to reply, half-dozing between sentences, but waking enough to realize this deserved at least some sense of urgency.

“Thank you TJ.”

“You're welcome. I hope you have good info re: your case and his, she feels her hands are tied.” TJ sent, more awake now, but with burning eyes.

“I hope so too. How are you coping tonight?”

“It sucks. Being alone sucks. Talking to her about everything for 2½ hours sucks.”

“It’ll get better TJ.”

“I hope so. Tell me he’s safe Steve.”

“Still safe.” Steve sent back. “They treated him gently, he’s being kept safe, and he FEELS safe TJ.”

“Thank you.” TJ sent, wiping tears from his eyes. He’d shed enough tears, he was sure they should be dried up by now.

“You’re welcome. Tomorrow, 1130.”

“CU then.”

 TJ made sure the alarm was on and set, scooted into the middle of the bed, hugging what had been Bucky’s pillow to him. Eddie pranced around his legs as usual before settling behind his knees, and forcibly placing his head across TJ’s legs with a deep sigh.

“Me too Ed.” TJ groaned, silently crying into his pillow until sleep claimed him.

…

Waking to the alarm, TJ could be any level of startled, annoyed, relieved or bummed on any given day. Today, TJ felt a damned sight closer to relief than usual. He didn’t know if it was because he was going to the shelter to do more than just walking the dogs today, or if it was because, even with all of the emotional upheaval from the past several days, he’d gotten closer to Bucky than he had been able to since his disappearance.

TJ now knew where Bucky was, He knew that no matter the circumstances, for right now, Bucky was safer than at any time in over seventy years. Even safer than those days when Bucky had felt able to let his guard down enough to open windows and doors to the ocean air. TJ stepped into the bathroom, and reached past Bucky’s toothbrush for his own, looking at his untamed bedhead. “Still nothing like that salt-styled wreck Bucky gave me.” He said to his reflection, watching the corner of his mouth lift slightly. He had to blame his train of thought regarding Bucky’s safety for the memory, but that trip, fraught with emotions, was still a highlight for both of them, so he held onto it with a smile before he started to scrub at his teeth.

Eddie groaned from outside the doorway, TJ heard the sound in the bathroom and smiled. “Just let me finish this and it’ll be your turn.” TJ said from inside the bathroom. “Even grownups have to piss Eddie.”

Eddie walked around his crate in the middle of the room and went to the door that separated the bedroom from the living room, and stood there, looking back at the bathroom door expectantly. TJ saw Eddie’s reflection in the mirror as he washed his hands. “Damn. I’m comin’, dog.” He chuckled.

TJ hurried their walk to the dog park, feeling rushed for some reason, even though he knew he had plenty of time. Once there, he forced himself to slow down while tossing the ball for Eddie. They didn’t work on ‘drop it’ today, TJ just kept taking the increasingly disgusting ball from Eddie’s eager mouth. Tomorrow. Tomorrow they’d work on ‘drop it’ again.

TJ ran scenarios through his head regarding Bucky’s situation. He also catalogued holiday songs he wanted to find sheet music for, and try different arrangements of. He decided he would check with the sound guys at The Dome to see what he’d need to record one or more of his performances. He wanted to have the holiday set for when Bucky came home. They would celebrate Christmas in July if they had to.

Once back inside the apartment, TJ fed Eddie, and showered, before ushering Eddie into his crate with a frozen treat. “I’ll see you in a bit, gonna bring your friend Steve by, and Mom too, later. You’re gonna have all kinds of attention.”

The thought gave him anxiety. Would this work? Would Steve be able to get in and out again without being caught? Could his mother convince her detail that _just Clark_ could inspect TJ’s room? By now, most of them were acquainted with Eddie, it wasn’t as if the dog wasn’t familiar enough with all of them by now too. His ‘stranger danger’ sense was being worked through with the trainers and the VA sessions too. So how would this work?

TJ went through the motions at the shelter, taking the little dogs in their crates, and two bigger dogs into the built-in crates of the donated shelter van. He looked at one of the bigger dogs, a beautiful black Mastiff, Newfoundland mix according to his intake sheet. His soulful brown eyes watched TJ as the handler led him up into the van. TJ watched him hobble to the van, give it a once-over and then hop into the spot he was encouraged to take.

“Tripod huh?” TJ asked.

“Yup, three strikes, we really hope his story reaches someone. Black, imperfect, and big. He’s gonna be a tough one.”

“He’s a hairy bugger.” TJ laughed, scratching the dog’s neck, “You’re beautiful, don’t you worry, we’re gonna get you the best home, you just wait and see.”

“Good thing making promises to dogs isn’t like making them to kids.” The handler said, walking away.

TJ climbed into the van, talking to the dogs as he tugged out his phone to call his father, “that one needs to learn that making promises to dogs is _just like_ making them to kids.”

“Hey TJ!” The boisterous, booming voice said from the other end. “Your mama tells me she finally caught up with you.”

“Hey Dad. Listen, I have a favor to ask. Bear with me, it will only require twenty years of your time.”

“What are you talking about son?”

“I’ve found the perfect dog for you. He’s big, unruly, he’s beautiful, and I’m willing to bet he’d love fishing.”

“Do tell.”

“I know you have more important things to do than entertain my outlandish notions, but this guy dad. He’s just the right fit for you. Name’s Abe. He’s too big for my apartment, or Eddie would have a new friend. He’s a big dog, and he’s black. He also only has three legs. Any one of those three strikes usually gets a dog like him no place good.”

“It sounds like you really made a connection, son.”

“I’m a pushover for these guys. I have a van full of black dogs that might be showcased on today’s midday news. Abe’s my biggest concern. If you’re not too busy, could you meet me at the groomer?”

“Well son…” TJ heard years of disappointment and let-downs in those two words, but he wasn’t going to give up that quickly. He’d get the dog to Grandpa Hammond’s farm somehow, before he would let him wind up kennel stressed, or worse. “I’m pretty busy.” Bud continued.

“Tell her you’ll get back to her.” TJ couldn’t stop the crude comment before it was out.

“I’d do that, son, but since your mama asked me to help her with your favor, you can tell her.”

TJ let out a pained sigh, “Thank you for helping. I’ll figure something out for Abe, I’m sorry.” Ending the call, TJ reprimanded himself, “nothing like making an ass of yourself TJ. This is why you don’t do the TV spots. Too emotional. Don’t you worry, Abe, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do these days, I’m a problem solver.”

TJ thought about the dog while he was in grooming. He went home to check on Eddie, grabbed something to eat, and headed back to the groomer. As he was signing the little dogs out, and getting them loaded into the van, a familiar entourage pulled into the drive behind him. Bud Hammond jumped out of the vehicle before it even parked. “TJ!” he boomed across the small  driveway the caravan was blocking.

“Uh, hi Dad.” TJ turned, and answered in a shaky voice. He wondered if his mother had goaded his father into coming or if he’d had some odd sense of duty kick in, or if, somehow, TJ was going to have his knees kicked from under him in person this time.

“Where’s this dog you’ve found for me? I thought I should at least meet him.”

“That’s… uh… that’s great. Abe’s inside, still being dried and styled for his TV spot. Is mom with you?”

“She is. She’s behind the barricade, probably working her way toward us.” Bud turned to find his prediction accurate.

“Momma!” TJ hugged his mom, and thought about how he didn’t hug his dad yet. “Tell me you didn’t browbeat him into this.”

“I did no such thing.” Elaine answered, holding TJ at arm’s length. “Did you get any rest last night?”

“Surprisingly so. Don’t I look it?” TJ answered, moving to give his father a belated hug. “These little ones take less time. Abe should be out after Domino.” TJ smiled as the mostly black dog approached. He had two different colored eyes, each highlighted by the dog’s fur color. His left eye, a silvery blue, was framed by the black that covered most of the dog’s body, the pecan brown eye was highlighted by the white spot that covered his ear and part of his nose. The only other white on the dog were his socks. “Hey Dom, you look amazing fella.”

The dog leapt up into the van on cue and licked TJ’s face, not on cue. “I love you too man. Tomorrow, if you’re not swept off your feet today, you and I need to have a heart-to-heart. I kinda think you and Eddie would hit it off, and you’re so much smaller than Abe.”

“TJ? Are you seriously considering getting a second dog?” Elaine asked, shocked.

“Mom, it’s not like I’m running off and joining the circus. He’s a good dog, and I’d like to think I’ve proven myself capable with Eddie. We have room, so if they get along, yeah, I’m considering it. Besides, I don’t think Bucky would mind one bit, and I’ll probably be moving into a bigger apartment when he comes home. I’d like to give him a room where we could get away if he needs to.”

TJ didn’t miss _the look_ shared between his parents. Contrary to their beliefs, he never missed _the look._ When he wasn’t sober, he could pretend _the look_ didn’t exist, but he always knew it did, and what it meant. “What? You don’t think I’m capable? Or you think I’m kidding myself about Bucky? Listen, I trust you to do the right thing. I trust you to care for the well-being of one of our POW’s, and I trust you to keep your promise to do everything within your power.” He looked at his mom. “If you’re combining powers with this guy, it can only get better, right?”

Elaine’s features softened, he had outlandish expectations, but they weren’t completely outside the realm of possibilities, He was so focused on helping the dogs, and on getting his life squared away so that he could help the man he loved. How could she not keep working toward her promise?

“ABE! Look at you!” TJ called with a big smile as the dog bounded toward him with his awkward gait. TJ knelt to greet the dog, “Look at how handsome you are, you big ole giant.” TJ kissed Abe’s broad nose. “Hey big guy, I know another big guy who just might like to meet you, came all this way and everything.”

TJ rose and hooked his fingers into the fur at the dog’s neck, “Dad, this…” he gestured with his free hand, “is Abe.”

Bud knelt in front of the dog, much as TJ had moments before. “Hello big guy. My son here, says you might like to go fishin’. What else would you like to get up to? Huh?” The dog sat, and put his front paw up on Bud’s knee, causing the big man to laugh heartily, which encouraged the dog to lick Bud’s neck and chin, bringing on more laughter.

TJ watched, practically convinced this was the makings of a match. He looked over at his mom, who had a silly schoolgirl grin on her face. “Mom?”

“I think he’s smitten.”

“I know right? I called it, I get things right sometimes.”

“Oh TJ. More than just sometimes.” She hooked her arm around his. “It’s just the times you get them wrong, they’re so much more painful.”

“Gee, thanks. Yeah. I’m working on that. Can I tell you something about Bucky that the history books don’t know?”

“Yes.” They both watched Bud with Abe, smiling.

“Bucky was once addicted to amphetamines. In the war, he made bad choices once too, but if he can do all the things he did and still square his life away after all the bad shit that happened to him after he started to kick the habit, then I can too. I don’t care that he was enhanced when he started to quit. He still could have done hundreds of horrible things to cope, and he never did. I haven’t ever had it as badly as he did, he’s a role model and an inspiration.”

“That he is.” Elaine patted her son’s arm. “Bud? We need to let TJ get to the studio with the rest of the dogs, Maybe you can call the shelter and have them draw up the papers for Abe, and meet TJ there.”

“I guess I should let TJ finish his run.” Bud agreed. “I can’t put his hard work in jeopardy by absconding with this giant. There’s red tape for a reason.”

“So you’ll take him?” TJ couldn’t contain his excitement, “I’ll take him straight to the shelter after dropping off the others.

“TJ, if you want Domino, you should hold him too.” Elaine advised.

“I don’t know if he and Eddie will get along yet. I can’t jeopardize the likelihood he’ll be adopted on the off chance that they _might_ like each other.” TJ _wanted_ to just go for it, he’d made a _few_ decent decisions with little consideration, like falling for Bucky, bringing Eddie home, but this was a second dog, a new dynamic, and twenty years of commitment. He needed to have put a little more thought behind this kind of decision, didn’t he?

“He’s a beautiful dog, TJ. If he and Eddie aren’t a good fit, I’m sure he’ll get a home. I’ll do whatever I can to facilitate it. I’d hate for you to miss out due to bad timing.”

“I do kinda like him.” TJ sighed. “One dog was easy to consider when I had Bucky there, when I was sure he was watching my back.”

“This is called fear, and it’s normal. Think about it on the way to the studio. Call me and let me know what you decide, I’ll take care of everything.”

“No mom. Thank you, but no. If I do this, Domino will come home on my dime. I appreciate that Eddie was a gift, but I need to do this _all_ on my own this time. From the decision, through the end result of my choice, whichever way that ends up going.”

“Ok sweetheart, you’re right. I’m proud of you. This is – everything you’re doing – it’s so refreshing.”

“Go on. Get out of here. We both have places to be.” TJ blushed, “Thank you mom. Thanks dad, for giving Abe a chance.”

TJ drove the dogs to the studio, meeting up with the adoption coordinator, “So, my dad wants to adopt Abe, I’m still considering Domino. Can we fill the time with the other guys? Worst case scenario, showcase Dom next week if he and Eddie don’t get along?”

“TJ, that’s wonderful news for Abe. Of course we can postpone Domino’s curtain call. I applaud your willingness to find out how he and Eddie get along; let’s work that out over the next couple of days or so. How is Eddie doing with his VA training?”

“He’s great. I’m still struggling, but Ed’s a pro already. So it won’t be a time problem, pulling both dogs?”

“Oh no. We tend to be rushing by the end of a segment like this, and the bigger guys are sometimes a little more unpredictable. If you need any support in your own training, let me know.”

“Thanks, I think it’s more of a sensitivity issue. I miss my own veteran, and sometimes I can’t separate my emotions. I’m going to work on that with my therapist though.”

“Have you had any word from Buck?”

“I have. He’s… he’s being treated. Had some setbacks, thanks for asking.” TJ was appalled and impressed by his ability to edit the truth on the fly. “Thank you for the stay on Dom’s TV spot. Do you think I’d have enough time to take the big guys back to the shelter and come back for the little ones?”

“That shouldn’t be an issue, worst case scenario? I pack them into my car. You’ll let me know if you won’t make it back?”

“I’ll text. I’m sure I’ll be right back though. Thanks.”

“Hey, TJ. Sign Dom out for the day, take him home, and make introductions. You can call me after hours if it doesn’t work out, and I’ll come get him. Otherwise, we can work on finalizing the paperwork the next time you come in.”

“Ok. I’ll have them draw up the papers when they check these guys in.” TJ was excited, nervous, terrified and hopeful. He’d been walking Dom for two weeks, and Dom was always excited to see him, and it always made TJ smile a little, even when it was otherwise difficult. “Domino, I sure hope Bucky likes you. You’d love him, he’s soft and fuzzy too. He’s the sweetest guy, cooks much better than I do, though you don’t know anything about my cooking either.”  TJ talked to both of the big dogs, who sat as close to him as they could within their crates. “Listen Abe, you gotta keep the old man active, and maybe keep him _less_ active in some of his other pursuits. He’s improving, but he’s still a skirt chaser. How ‘bout you encourage him to do other things. Things like walks, fishing, you’re from water-loving stock, maybe you and dad could join Eddie and me for dock-diving before the weather gets too cold. As for you, Dom, you look more like a flyball or agility partner.”

TJ laughed as he pulled into the shelter lot, for two reasons. A fraction of the motorcade was in the gravel parking lot, and because before Bucky, flyball and agility weren’t exactly on his radar, even though he had been looking into getting a dog.

“Abe! You big lug!” Bud boomed as the dog bounded out of the car with a certain kind of skill. “TJ, the paperwork is all filled out, join me in the adoption photo why don’t ya?”

TJ smiled at his father, “Sure dad, why not. I’m glad you like him. Please promise me you’re not going to be leaving him behind too often.”

“Son, this is what you’d call a travelin’ dog. He’s gonna want to have his head out of every window.”

“I know, but you don’t drive everywhere.” TJ reminded him. “He’s worse than a kid, needs constant attention.”

“Now I know I didn’t do too well with you an’ Dougie, but I think I can try to learn from my mistakes and make time for this fella. He and I are goin’ back to spend more time on your project, while your momma has her meetings, all of them.”

TJ smiled at his father’s words, all of them really. His father’s regret turned to hope that would benefit Abe. He had assurance that his father’s skills would be put to work on Bucky’s case, and that his mom hadn’t forgotten, and wouldn’t be backing out on Steve. “Thanks dad. I have to get Domino in the kennel so I can get back to pick up the little dogs. Do you have plans for dinner? I could fix something for the two of us, if you could leave Abe with mom that is. I’m testing Dom with Eddie tonight and I don’t want to stress Eddie out too much at once.”

“Dinner sounds fine son. Is seven too early or too late?”

“Seven would be perfect, actually. I’ll see you then.”

TJ hurried inside with Domino, leaving him in his kennel, and had the girl at the desk get his overnight foster paperwork set up. “I’ll be back with the little dogs, and then I’ll take Dom. Is there a crate I can take? If so could someone load it into my car?”

“Sure TJ. I’ll have everything ready for when you get back. Is this a trial run for Domino then?”

“Yeah, wanna see how he and Eddie get along. I’ve kinda fallen for the guy.”

“That’s great, and you got your dad in on it too. That’s really cool TJ.”

“Thanks, I tried for my mom, she’s always a harder sell. Maybe when she has a few minutes to think about it.”

“You’ve facilitated at least one adoption, don’t stress about it.”

TJ waved over his shoulder as he left to retrieve the small dogs. He should be able to get them back, pick up Dom, and still meet Steve on time, if traffic cooperated.

…

TJ pulled into his apartment parking lot at 11:20. He was relieved that he’d made it in enough time that Steve wouldn’t have to skulk around, and he should be able to come right in. TJ circled the car, and leashed Dom. “Hey bud, this could be your new place. You gotta be nice to Eddie though, he’s the top dog around here. It’s just the way it goes, pal.” TJ let the dog wander the perimeter of the yard. He saw Steve step up to the back stairs. “Hey.”

Dom looked up at Steve with his two-colored eyes, “Who’s this?” Steve asked TJ.

“Well, this is Domino. Dom. He’s a shelter dog, who might be our new pal, if he and Eddie can come to an agreement. I’m afraid I didn’t think about all the people filtering in and out of my place today when I opted to bring him home. This could be a fiasco. Come on up, watch the show.”

TJ led Dom and Steve up the steps to his apartment, “at least he’s not afraid of the steps.” TJ laughed, and explained Eddie’s first days to Steve. He opened the door and let Steve in and watched Dom follow. He dropped Dom’s leash, allowing him to wander the living room, and sniff. “So, I need to have you set up in my room. Mom’s gonna send Clark to check the room. She’s gonna need to know that Dom’s here so that she can warn him. He knows he’ll find you there, but she trusts him implicitly. On the upside, she can tell them that I just brought Dom home and one guy will upset the two dogs far less than more could. Can I get you a drink? I was gonna make sandwiches.”

“TJ, slow down.” Steve laughed, putting a hand on TJ’s shoulder, “You’re nervous, hopefully not because of me.”

“I’m kinda freaking out over all of it, but not because of you. My first hurdle, introducing these two. I still need to get his crate from my car and get it set up.”

“You go get it, I’ll set it up. I think I can figure that out.” Steve winked. “We can work on introducing the two dogs together, you don’t have to feed me, and I’ll have water. I’ll get it myself.”

“Ok.” TJ sighed, “That sounds great, thank you so much.”

“Any time.” Steve watched as TJ’s shoulders dropped with his relief, and he turned to go out the door.

TJ hurried down the stairs, calling his mother while he tugged the crate out of his car. “Hey mom. Guess what? Dom’s spending the night, so you’ll want to warn Clark that there’s a strange dog he’s never met in my room.”

“You got him?” Elaine asked, hearing TJ’s labored breathing, “are you ok?”

“I’m testing the waters, he’s a temporary foster. Nothing is set up yet and I just got home. Right now he’s wandering the living room and I’m trying to tug this damned crate up the stairs.”

“Be careful and don’t overdo it. We won’t be early, I promise you that.”

“You're running late? This time I’m actually relieved. Thank you.”

“I’m glad I can help.” Elaine chuckled, “I’ll let you go so you don’t fall down the stairs.”

“See ya.” TJ heard the call end and tugged the crate up the final step, and around to his door. “Coming in.” He called out.

“It’s clear.” Steve laughed, holding Domino’s leash.

TJ handed the crate off to Steve, “Mom’s running late, thank God.” He followed Steve into the bedroom with Dom on the leash. Eddie was excited to see TJ and even Steve. He didn’t react to Dom at first, but sniffed extra hard when the dog approached his crate. They bumped noses between the bars and Eddie flopped onto his side in his crate, causing TJ to laugh. Steve looked up from where he was securing the final side of the pop-up wire crate, and laughed too.

“Jesus that dog’s mellow.”

“You think? You should have seen him when Jacob, my ex, showed up on the sidewalk out front. He wasn’t mellow then.”

“Says volumes about your ex TJ.” Steve said, coming around to take Dom’s leash. “It also seems like this precaution is ridiculous.

“Yeah, feels like it, but it’s not. I’ve had mellow dogs at the shelter get after each other unexpectedly. If you could help me with a couple of things, that would be cool. First, I want to introduce them, then I’d like to have them both in the room alone with me. Afterward, I’d like you to let Dom into the room with Eddie and me, and vice versa. It’ll kill a little time, and get some surprise elements out of the way.”

“You’ve done this before?”

“No, watched some, heard advice given to potential adopters, I could do it all alone, but…”

“Why do it alone if you have a friend to help. I’m up for anything.” Steve agreed.

“Well, because it’s usually me, not asking for help.” TJ answered honestly, “So thanks for letting me ask, and for helping.” TJ pulled the latch to Eddie’s crate, leashing him and leading him around to where Dom and Steve stood.

The two dogs circled curiously, sniffing one another thoroughly. Eddie sat first, Dom tried sniffing some more, and TJ asked Steve to have him stop. Steve led Dom around Eddie, and TJ let Eddie watch them wander the room. TJ dropped Eddie’s leash and Eddie wandered over to Steve and Dom, sniffing at Dom again, and at Steve. He sat at Steve’s feet. “Eddie.” TJ called to him, after letting Steve give his ears a scratch. “Bed.”

Eddie looked torn, but then crossed the space and clambered up onto the bed. “Ok, Steve, if you drop Dom’s leash now, it should be ok.”

Steve left the room, Dom followed to the door, sniffing the door and dresser. TJ called him a couple of times, “Domino, come here boy. Dom, come.”

Dom let TJ call to him several times before wandering over and looking at him. “Sit.” TJ commanded, and the Australian Shepherd mix put his bottom on the floor. “Come here Eddie.” TJ encouraged the dog to sidle closer to the edge of the bed. Their noses met and Eddie groaned. TJ stood up and grabbed Dom’s leash, leading him out to Steve. “Give us a minute or two, then just walk through like you own the place.”

Steve laughed softly and crouched to scratch Dom’s ears. “You might be home, kid” he whispered to the dog, nuzzling his fur. Nobody could see him; therefore, nobody could make fun. Steve realized multiple reasons Bucky could love TJ. He was a bit broken, so they had a common thread, He wanted to do right, which undoubtedly reminded Bucky of Steve. He was funny, and fun loving, which fit every girl Bucky had ever been interested in for more than five minutes. He was compassionate and caring, which Bucky must have craved. Steve found himself a little jealous, not of TJ, but of Bucky. “Come on, let’s ace this test.”

TJ looked up when Steve let Dom through the door, Eddie had looked up a fraction sooner, waiting. When the door closed behind Dom, Eddie sat up, eager to greet his new pal. There were no other disturbances, there was no growling or barking. TJ had Eddie hold his sit, calling Dom to him again. This time Dom crossed the space and sat on command. TJ stood up and let Eddie down off the bed, watching them nuzzle each other. One more test, TJ thought, and he could probably manage anything else on his own. He just wanted to see what happened if Dom was surprised by Eddie’s entrance.

He took Eddie to Steve, “give Dom and me a few extra minutes, I'd like to let him get comfortable and then kind of surprise him. Let Eddie in just like you did with Dom, but I’m not going to latch the door. I want to see how a quiet entrance goes.

Steve nodded and absently stroked Eddie’s head, waiting for a random length of time before nudging the door open and whispering ‘find TJ.”

Dom let out a soft yip of surprise when he saw Eddie, but beyond that there was no reaction. His sit was less controlled than Eddie’s, and TJ had to repeat his command, but when he released the dog, Dom approached Eddie as Eddie had done with him in the earlier test. TJ’s heart tripped as he thought of the possibilities _and_ the responsibilities of having two dogs. “Ok you two. Eddie, Crate.”

Eddie followed the command, looking back at TJ from inside his crate. “I know pal, mom’s coming and Clark, Dom’s going in too, I promise.” TJ said as he latched Eddie’s crate.

“Dom, crate.” TJ tried, not knowing if it would work or not, but giving it the same authority he did with Eddie. He took some treats from the treat container on the dresser, slipped one inside Eddie’s bars, and called Dom over. TJ lured Dom into the crate in a similar fashion he’d used with Eddie, dangling the treat inside from above. Dom – not frightened as Eddie had been – walked straight in. “Good boy Dom. Crate.” TJ dropped the treat and latched Dom’s crate door too. “Steve, you can come in.”

“Would you look at that.” Steve said, admiring both dogs, “TJ, you have a gift.”

“I don’t know about that, but thanks, I just picked up a few pointers from Bucky, they’re both well trained dogs too. Are you positive I can’t make you a sandwich? I feel like I should be feeding you, after all, it is lunchtime.”

“I’ll let you feed me after everything is done.” Steve offered, knowing he wouldn’t be able to disappoint TJ by refusing. “I don’t think there’s enough time beforehand now, and that’s ok.”

“Ok, fine. You’re probably right. Thank you for helping me with the dogs. I’m crazy, but I think Dom’s going to fit in just fine. I sure hope Bucky likes him.”

“I thought he liked all the dogs?”

“I guess. I mean, yeah, I guess I just feel bad making a decision without him.”

“You’re helping Dom, that’s what will matter, look how happy he seems already.”

“He’s always happy.” TJ deflected.

“He’s got a chance to _stay_ happy.” Steve countered, “You said Eddie was given up, he was happy, and then he wasn’t. You’re saving Dom from getting to that point.”

“Thanks.” TJ felt his phone vibrate, “Hang on, shit’s about to go down. Hey mom.”

“I’m outside, the crew’s coming up. Don’t worry, they know about Dom.”

“Ok, see you in a few.” TJ hung up, “They’re on their way up. Just hang here, I’ll be back.”

“Is this normal?”

“Yeah, sucks don’t it?”

“It’s something.”

The crew swept the apartment, Clark stepping into the bedroom, checking the bathroom, and essentially pretending not to see Steve, even if he might feel put out by it. Nobody would ever know, except maybe TJ’s mom, at a later time. The next wave escorted the president up the stairs and into the apartment. She was able to go into the bedroom with TJ, with Clark standing guard outside the room.

“Captain.” President Barrish said in a low, quiet voice.

“Madam President.” Steve’s deep voice was equally quiet, “thank you for meeting me.”

“I hope I can be of some help, although I’m at a loss to how that could be. Things are pretty serious.”

“I know. I’m not here for me, but for Bucky, and for TJ.”

“Why aren’t you here for yourself and your missing Avenger friends?”

“Because there’s a document out there that you’ve signed off on, that brands us fugitives, and criminals. I want you to review Bucky’s records. All of them. I have them with me, Russian files and Hydra documents. Handwritten descriptions and videos of torture. Given your law history, I’d like you to review them, and I’d like your take on the legality of prosecuting him for crimes he committed when he wasn’t in control of his own mind. If you could review them and help me construct his legal defense, I’ll turn myself in when Bucky walks free.”

TJ gasped, and Elaine knew at that moment that he hadn’t been privy to the Captain’s plan. She looked at her son, watching him shake his head slowly. Shock and dismay locked his mouth open, and his eyes wide. No matter how much he loved Bucky, he was pleading with her not to make the deal.

Elaine sighed heavily. “Steve.” She started, looking into his eyes before continuing. “I agree to your terms.”

“Mom! This isn’t any different from what’s happened already! You said you’d _help_ Bucky, how is this helping? This is just locking someone else up too.”

“If he goes free.” Steve reiterated. “If they want me, they’ll free him.”

“NO. This is ridiculous. I thought you were smarter than this?” TJ said to Steve, then turned to his mother, “I thought _you_ were going to help me. He won’t forgive you, you know.” TJ jabbed at Steve.

“TJ, this is my choice, I know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t think you do.” TJ crossed his arms, the stubborn set of his jaw, and the tone of his voice mirroring one another.

“Well, _I_ _do_ know what I’m doing TJ. The captain’s offer has been accepted. He’ll turn himself over when Sergeant Barnes walks free.” Elaine said, setting her hand on TJ’s shoulder. TJ tried to shrug her hand away, but her grip was stronger than he’d remembered.

“His friends will be off the hook when you have him in custody. You’ll stop pursuing them. You’ll leave him alone to build Bucky’s defense, he can move about freely.” TJ argued urgently, his previous melodrama abandoned. “Or Captain Rogers will withdraw his offer.

TJ’s glare bored into Steve, and then into his mother. “I accept your demands, TJ.”

“TJ’s demands aren’t what’s on the table.” Steve corrected. “TJ can’t dictate whether or not I’ll withdraw my offer.”

“Nevertheless, Captain, your friends, all of them, for your surrender once Barnes is free.”

“I can’t believe you two.” TJ shook his head, dread creeping up inside. “How is this better? Where is somebody to talk some sense into either of you?”

“TJ, Captain Rogers and I are discussing business. you’ve said enough, either sit quietly, or go out of the room.” Elaine said, sounding so much more like a mother than a president, infuriating TJ even more.

TJ paced past the dog crates before moving to the closet. He looked up into the corner where the whiskey box full of Bucky’s notebooks sat, and then pulled out one of Bucky’s shirts, holding it to his nose. He closed his eyes and tried to shut out the conversation that was going on behind him. If they weren’t going to listen, he would do the same. Only he couldn’t, because the topic was Bucky.

Elaine felt awful for addressing TJ in such a manner, he was being helpful, passionate, and still managing to keep his voice low, but she couldn’t work on her plan, Steve’s offer, and deal with his passion at the same time. She spared several glances in his direction, the tender, and not so subtle gesture with the shirt tore at her heart. If Rogers could mount the defense in her stead, it would be far better. He could take her knowledge and fight in ways she couldn’t as a world leader.

She was already hard at work on The Accords, and the aftermath of the failed first attempt. If things went well, his surrender would only work _toward_ her plan. She couldn’t say anything to either of them, she had only just started working on it, and prematurely offering any measure of hope could and likely would backfire terribly.

“Steve, I’ll look over this evidence and get back to you. Hopefully with some answers you’re looking for. I presume there’s a way to contact you in this file?”

“Yes Ma’am, my number is in the front of the folder.”

“Very well, I’ll downgrade your status. You’ll still need to be careful, contrary to what TJ said, I can’t completely guarantee you free movement, however, if you have trouble you can contact me directly. TJ will have to give you my personal number after I’ve left.”

Elaine crossed the room and put a hand on TJ’s shoulder, speaking tenderly into his ear, “You’re going to have to trust me.”

“I don’t know if I can anymore,” TJ replied, looking at her through tears.

“I hope you’ll try. I’m trying to do everything you’ve asked. I’m working on it all, and this might make things easier. I promise. I love you Thomas.”

“I love you too but I’m going to need some time.” He said shoving the heels of his hands across the tears that broke free.

“I can do that. I can give you time, and space. Please take some of it to try to trust your mother.” She left without a hug, because it was obvious TJ was more than just _reluctant_ to give her one.

TJ remained standing in front of the closet, listening to the sounds of the dogs breathing. He jumped when Steve cleared his throat.

“I guess I thought you left.”

“I’m not leaving until I know you’re ok. Unlike your mother, I don’t have a country to run, and I don’t exactly have a direction until she gets back to me.”

“Why’d you do it?” TJ finally turned to face Steve. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? It’s because Bucky loves me and you’re being stupid, and honorable, and a fucking martyr, right?”

“I needed her help. I wasn’t going to get it without something in return.”

“You’re full of shit. You’re not giving Bucky a chance. You're not giving me a chance. You're taking a knee in order to make things easy.”

“TJ, I can help Bucky with your mother’s help. She can’t go in and get involved, but she can share her knowledge with me. It’s a no-brainer.”

“No. I don’t believe that. They can listen to her, she can speak, it will have more weight coming from her, and they can make it right.”

“That’s a long shot. If he goes to trial, with a firm and solid defense, the one I’m asking your mother – a legal genius – to build, he can be completely exonerated and have everything he deserves, freedom, you, his military back pay, everything.”

“You forgot something. You. You factor into our lives because he loves you, and you love him. You can’t just disappear into the system as soon as he gets to be free.”

“Look at the big picture, TJ. I’m not going to be able to walk away from everything I’ve done. I did the things I did of my own free will, I can’t walk the streets freely, knowing that, and let Bucky face prison. Not when the roles are so obviously reversed.”

“You didn’t do anything that mandates what you’re signing up for.”

“I broke the law, TJ. Your mom will make sure my sentence allows for _how_ I broke it. She won’t let me languish in a place like where my friends were. I know that much about your mother, TJ.”

“How does that make it better?” TJ sat on the foot of the bed, next to Steve. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Hey, we have time before it happens, I have an almost free pass. Why don’t we tempt fate and go have a burger?” Steve stood up in front of TJ, offering a hand in invitation.

“You can eat at a time like this?”

“This is what I planned TJ. This is exactly what I was going to do when I asked you to set it up. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my plan. I’m sorry if it changed things between us, but I thought we were going to be friends.”

“I did too, but then you signed the “friends with TJ” contract that states you have to abandon me in the middle of everything. I’m trying not to be friends with people who sign that particular contract.”

“Seriously TJ?” Steve’s arched brow and narrowed eyes matched the frown he was giving TJ.

“Sorry. Holdover from another time, but still, what does that mean? Long distance friends? Prison pen pal?”

“It’s a sound idea.”

“Your words are out of order, Rogers. It’s an _idea_ that _sounds_ stupid. Seriously, what the hell will Bucky think of your “ _sound idea_ ”?”

“I've done dumber.”

“I know. It’s the whole reason you’re standing here, and much of the reason Bucky’s still alive. You were his last mission, you know. Not just because you exposed Hydra and took down the helicarriers.”

“I know.” Steve sat next to TJ again. “It’s in the file I gave your mother. He was supposed to end me and if he survived they would have ended him. You know, if I hadn’t gone after him back in the war, they’d have had a head start on torturing him, changing him. I often wondered what would have happened. Whether or not he’d have died, but he’s just not the dying kind.”

“So torture instead. Those people are evil, and he suffered.” TJ frowned, “So, you’re sacrificing yourself again, for what?”

“TJ, I’ll be released. If he can’t be acquitted of the crimes, he’s looking at life, or, depending on whether Wakanda can keep him, based on their extradition grant, some other country could execute him.”

“Wakanda’s extradition was based on Bucky killing King T’Chaka. If someone wanted to fight the terms of the extradition, they could win.” TJ’s shoulders slumped at the realization.

“Exactly TJ. If another country, affected by what Bucky did under Hydra’s control, has the death penalty, we might not be able to fight it. As I said, I’ll be released eventually. I’m asking you to continue to trust me, and to trust your mom.”

“I hate this.” TJ knew he sounded petulant, he hadn’t had any time to process any of this, had no previous warning, and he didn’t know Steve well enough to continue to rail at him, as he wanted to do with his mother. He hadn’t even had that release, needing to appear mellow, and be quiet for the possible audience beyond his bedroom door.

“I know. I’ve considered so many options. This has the best possible outcome. I **know** he’s going to call me an idiot. Sam will, hell, I know that too.” Steve scrubbed his hand over his face, scratching at the three days’ worth of growth.

“If it doesn’t work, you’re still a fugitive, but your friends won’t be.”

“Thanks for thinking of them.”

“I don’t want your thanks. I want your plan to work, and I want you to run.”

“TJ, I’ve already run farther than I’d ever imagined. I don’t run TJ. The only reason I did this time was because I was running to a solution, not away from punishment.”

“I hate this.” This time the declaration was despondent instead of simply sullen.

“So you’ve said.” Steve’s attempt to smile was sad, “Let’s go get something to eat.”

“Right. You mentioned a burger. I could eat fries.”

“That’s a start. Do you think these two will be ok while we’re gone?”

“I need to take Eddie out before we go, if you can spare ten minutes or so, Dom took care of business before we came up, so he should be fine.”


	41. Chapter 41

TJ spent the following weeks trying _not_ to worry about the deal his mother and Steve made. He was still upset over it, it seemed dramatic and over the top, and face it, if TJ was the one thinking something was dramatic and over the top, it had to be. He spent a lot of that time with the dogs, trying to forget how he was _supposed to be helping_ , when Steve hadn’t been in contact with him since leaving with the deal done. It was hard not resenting the promise Steve had made to keep TJ in the loop, but if he could keep himself busy, he wouldn’t have as much time to obsess about that.

Domino had become an instant member of the household, though his integration hadn’t been as _perfect_ as Eddie’s had been. Dom proved to be a counter-surfer, eager to be on any flat surfaces, including the counter, and to TJ’s dismay, the piano. TJ spent hours and days trying to correct the issue before contacting a trainer for help. Luckily, his main concern, dogs gnawing on the piano was still not a problem he would have.

TJ took both dogs dock diving, and discovered that, although not as good at it as Eddie, Dom liked it well enough. He enrolled both dogs in agility training, working them and himself through the courses long after the sessions were through, just because it was a good outlet for TJ’s stress as much as it was for the dogs’ well-being. Much like dock diving, Dom was better suited to agility, and Eddie just used it as a way to play with TJ and (TJ suspected) entertain TJ. The dogs were definitely TJ’s source of laughter throughout the cooler fall season.

Eddie’s VA visits continued to go very well, Eddie’s protective streak was becoming much less a problem, either through repeated introduction to strangers, sharing the load with Dom, or both, and TJ was even learning how to handle his anxiety before meeting with patients. After telling Steve how hard it was to separate Bucky from these wounded soldiers, Steve had put Sam in contact with TJ. Sam gave him some great pointers for separating his own baggage from that of others.

TJ applied Sam’s advice to outside situations as well, and found it easier to focus on his work. The set list, and arrangement for the Christmas numbers he’d be performing through the holiday at The Dome came together much easier after that.

TJ walked in on MJ and Lee as they chatted, “MJ, can I talk to you?”

“Sure boss. What’s up?”

“Hey TJ.” Lee smiled, brushing her hand down his arm. “come find me before you go.”

“I’ll do that.” TJ watched Lee leave the space, before turning to MJ, “I have a huge favor to ask, not as your boss.”

“What can I do?” She gave him a nervous glance.

“You know I’m doing the holiday thing – and I wanted to record it for Bucky. Do you think the space will be sufficient to record the show? I want it to have a pristine sound.”

“TJ, the acoustics here are great. You know that already, in addition to that, I know my stuff. You did hire me for that reason, right? I can get the stuff, and it will be good enough to sell.”

“Really? This means a lot, I… I just can’t explain.”

“We all know you miss him, besides, you’re a musician, you want quality. I got it. Trust me boss, I’ve got this. I’ll have everything you need by the time you’re ready to perform. You just work on your set list and rehearsal.”

TJ thought back to his reservations about hiring MJ, and how much The Dome had been improved by her addition. He was now convinced his little gift for Bucky was in the best possible hands, and he knew that Bucky would be pleased to know that his encouragement to hire MJ had ended up giving TJ peace of mind.

“Thank you. I’m – you’re a real asset to The Dome, MJ. Thank you.”

“You should go find Lee, you seem to need to unwind.” That was more like the MJ TJ knew.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll wait at least a day to thank you again.”

“Good.” She winked, watching TJ stride off toward the bar.

“Hey, how’s TJ?”

“TJ sucks. TJ wants to curl up and hide from the world. How’s Lee?” TJ answered honestly.

“Lee wants her boss to give her the afternoon off, and go screw around with her for the rest of the day. You think you could do that for me?”

“You don’t want to spend time with me.”

“But I do. Let’s go out, get something fancy for your opening night, and eat greasy food. We can talk, or not talk, about what’s bothering you, and maybe go see a movie.”

“Maybe another…”

“Nope. If you won’t give me the time off, I’ll ask someone else, but you and I are leaving. You “maybe another time” me every time.” She felt a little guilty for taking command, but the everyday sad smile, wave and “Hi Lee.” Wasn’t working anymore.

“Fine, this is a losing battle, isn’t it.”

“TJ, do you remember when Bucky would have a bad day, and you’d recruit me to cover for him so you could take care of him? Consider this returning the favor on Bucky’s behalf. He’d have my hide if I let you continue to wander around alone and lonely. I’ve let you do it so far, trying to give you the space you keep asking for, but that’s not being a good friend. You aren’t good with space. Sure, you’re keeping things together, you’re taking care of _two_ dogs now, and you’re doing a bang up job, but who is watching out for TJ?”

“I’m doing my best.”

“Nope. You’re trying to, that’s good, but you’re shutting other people out.”

TJ was quiet for the longest time, before capitulating, “Is your shift covered?”

“You know I took care of that before asking.” Lee grasped TJ’s hand across the bar, “I’ll go easy on you, come on, let’s get out of here.”

TJ reluctantly followed Lee to her orange Subaru, “Can’t we just go to my place?”

“Later, part of this exercise is getting you away from The Dome, The Shelter, The House.”

“Did you somehow, secretly stalk my last therapy session?” TJ groused, as he buckled his seat belt.

“No, but I don’t need a degree to know what your typical habits are. You’re so predictable TJ. I know it’s how you're surviving, and you’ve added things with the dogs, which is good. I think a quick afternoon in an over-crowded, over-decorated (and at least two weeks too early at that) mall will be a nice, safe diversion. What are you wearing for opening night?”

“A suit from my closet. A shirt from my closet. I have so many suits Lee.”

“I know, but you’re doing this thing, you’ve insisted on making it a real big deal, and your mother will be there, with press.”

TJ didn’t answer, watching the road as buildings and streets passed by. He felt a little self-conscious about the silence when Lee quietly said “If we don’t find anything in the shop of your choice, we can leave.”

“Thanks Lee. I promise, I’ll give it my best shot. You know I could just call a designer and have them come to the house.”

“Yeah, I don’t care about all that. That doesn’t get you out of the house.” Lee smiled, “TJ, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know Lee. I spent almost three whole days with Steve, and he promised me that I’d be “ _instrumental”_ in Bucky’s future. Then he got what he wanted from me, and my mom, and disappeared.”

“You like him.”

He looked at her, confused about the question, and the answer. Finally he admitted, “I thought I could be friends with him, and he stabbed me in the back. I’m convinced he’ll help Bucky, and I’m grateful, but I believed all that teamwork nonsense.”

“I’m willing to bet he didn’t lie to you. I’m willing to bet he had every intention of doing exactly what he said he’d do, but your mom and dad, with all the information they were able to give him, probably sidelined him. He’s probably in it neck deep, traveling, studying, and fighting with bureaucrats.”

“and that’s good.” TJ’s voice was flat. He knew she was right, loved her for trying, and recognized that he wasn’t ready to pull himself out of that mire just yet.

“It is.” Lee reached across the space and placed her hand on TJ’s knee. “I’m not going to spend the day defending Steve Rogers. It’s still not fair that he has shut you out.”

“Thanks.” TJ smiled, most people would expect him to just hear their take on it and acquiesce, feelings be damned. Lee was telling him what he needed to hear, and allowing him to feel how he did in spite of it. “I am so glad you didn’t get shot.”

“I’m so glad you were my personal shield.” Lee’s laugh was quiet, almost hesitant.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t going there. I don’t think I want to dress overtly celebratory, if that makes sense? I’d like to keep it understated.”

“I wasn’t considering looking at red shirts, if you thought I was.”

“No, I… you asked. I have a lot of black and white, maybe something different, blue or…”

“We’ll look at blues and anything not black-and-white, maybe a bright green.” Lee winked.

“Funny. How is that better than red?”

“You smiled, that’s how it’s better. If you can’t choose, you can always get more than one and use the alternate for a different performance, there’s four you have to dress for, after all.”

“If you’re trying _not_ to talk about Bucky, you don’t have to do that.”

“I was just trying to think about men’s attire, actually. I’m absolutely committed to getting something for you to wear. What’s the latest?”

“Everything is as it was, I talked to MJ today about recording the show, so Bucky can hear it when he comes home. Or I can send it to Wakanda, and they can play it for him, if that’s something.”

“You can make it something. He loves hearing you play.”

“One of the things he did when we were first together, he snuck into the dome to hear me play one song. He wants to see a show, front and center. I think, on some level, I made this happen with that in mind, even though he’s not here.”

“The more opportunities you give, the more chances he’ll have. He will be proud of you for putting yourself out there, especially when you’re aware of the fact that he won’t make this one.”

“I guess.”

“Still crying yourself to sleep?” Lee squeezed TJ’s knee.

“Shut up. Yeah. You don’t tell people that, do you?”

“Hell no. Nobody deserves to know something that special about you.”

“It’s not all the time.”

“I know. You know what? Sometimes I think about you, and about him, and I cry into my pillow. I want so much for both of you. You know what else? Now that I know that son of a bitch Rogers has hurt you, I’m pretty pissed.”

“What happened to sympathy because he’s dealing with bureaucrats?”

“I can be pissed and see the big picture. He hurt you, maybe not intentionally, but he shouldn’t have made promises, just because you’re so cute and soft, and he wanted to make you feel good.”

“Oh, is that the reason?”

“Probably. I mean, look at you, you’re adorable.”

“You’re officially a pain.”

“I know. We’re here, come on, let’s go destroy the mall.”

“What happened to one store?” TJ put his hand over Lee’s when they wrapped around his arm.

“It was a bargaining chip. Ok, so you don’t have to pretend to have fun, we’ll go to the store of your choice, and then we find food. Do we have a deal?”

“That sounds acceptable, if you let me buy you something for putting up with me.” TJ was starting to feel a little more comfortable with Lee’s ideas for his day.

“You can buy my lunch. Do we look like we should be here? I might be underdressed. How did I choose this place of all my options?”

“You were trying to keep me from calling a designer and having something sent to the house. By the way, you could wear what you used to wear to the old bar and you’d still look fantastic. And lunch isn’t “buying you something”.”

“It was a weird place but it was fun wearing that stuff. Bucky really doubled his wardrobe and his tips when he started stealing your sweaters. Thanks TJ.”

“Let’s go find more clothes he can swipe when he comes home.” TJ watched Lee for _the look_ , but it never came. Of all people, she was as convinced as he was that one day, Bucky would be home.

They shopped, finding a deep gray three-piece suit for TJ, and TJ had a dress taken to the fitting room for Lee, “if you hate it, you don’t have to get it.” he said when she argued, “now, which shirt? I like the monochromatic look of this suit and this shirt.”

“I’ll try the dress. I can promise you I don’t hate it. I really like the shirt – what do you think about this tie?” Lee spoke in a powerful tone, remembering to enunciate her words, feeling both out of place and very empowered in this high-end shop.

“I see we’re on the same page.” TJ took Lee’s hand in his, needing the contact. “There’s a quiet little restaurant not too far from here, should I make a lunch reservation while you’re in the fitting room?”

“You lead, I’ll follow. Do I get to see the full effect?”

“I guess.” TJ smiled, “If you’ll return the favor.”

Lee slipped into the fitting room, and out of her jeans, then tossed her t-shirt over her head. “Oh my god TJ” Lee managed to whisper when she saw the tags. “oh my god.” She excitedly stepped into the light-weight dress, feeling the softness of the fabric over her goosebumps. When she stepped out of the fitting room, TJ smiled a broad smile. “I can’t let you buy this.” She said quietly between them.

“I don’t know why not? It looks perfect, you’re glowing, and you clearly deserve it.”

“The price tag is why not.”

“What price tag? I don’t see a price tag. I don’t care Lee. Let me do this? Please.”

“I could argue, but that’s going to be a fruitless venture, right?” She watched him nod, smiling at her, “I’m going to put my clothes back on, you go get into your suit.”

The two walked to the restaurant after TJ completed the transaction. She couldn’t help but notice there were literally no price tags as she’d been finding things for TJ, even her dress had only the care information, but the fabric and the brand were enough to warn her. She couldn’t imagine what the total – discreetly kept from discussion – cost from the one store was.

“Are you ok?” TJ asked, after they were seated, trying to discern the reason for Lee’s uncharacteristic silence.

“Yeah, you know, it’s weird not knowing how much things cost. That’s not normal, you understand that, right?”

“I’ll have to admit, after being with Bucky, I don’t typically shop like we did back there. It’s still not a foreign thought, but I prefer a little more realistic approach these days. I can’t say I’ll ever feel comfortable looking through bargain bin t-shirts at a thrift store, but I’ve worn the shirts.”

“To sleep in.”

“That’s wearing them.” TJ countered. “Lunch, please don’t worry about the missing prices.”

“Fine. I’m the idiot that brought us here, I’ll deal with the affluence. I like your choice, this place is perfect for a little peace, and a different atmosphere from work.”

“Or home.” TJ nodded, setting his menu down. “I’m glad you forced my hand Lee. I haven’t hated every minute of it.”

“I’m glad. You don’t have to be giggling, and having a grand time, as long as you’re not completely miserable with me.”

“You’re always the best part. I’m sorry I give you a wide berth at work sometimes. Sometimes, I just can’t cry about it anymore, and sometimes that’s all I can do. With you, I know it doesn’t matter, but I don’t want to just be _that person_.”

“I know. I figured it out. It’s possibly one of the reasons for your missing superhero too. Maybe he is going through something similar.”

“You’re trying to make it so I’m not angry with him. It’s cute Lee.”

They ordered when the server came around, TJ was kind, but not as engaging as Lee knew he could be. She picked up where they left off when the server was out of sight.

“I’m not trying anything, I just thought you could use a friend, even though you were doing everything in your power to not need anyone.”

“It’s a mistake. It’s always a mistake. I’m trying _so hard_ Lee. I keep taking the dogs to agility, and dock diving. I keep taking Eddie to the VA, it still feels like going through the motions, and when I tell my shrink, I get told it’s good, but do more.”

“Yet you feel like you’re doing everything in your power.”

“Sometimes. Other times I know I’m just doing the bare minimum. He wouldn’t be proud of me Lee. Not at all.”

“Sure he would. You’re doing so much. When you worry he’s not going to approve, just try one more thing. Just call me, or Matt. That one more thing is all your therapist wants. It’s all he’d want. Look at us – we’re out and we’re doing something different. We’re both in a place neither of us would typically go.”

“I want a drink so bad Lee.”

“I know.” She reached across the table and took his hand. “I know I’m pushy and it seems like I think I know what’s best for you, but I don’t. What can I do to help?”

TJ smiled, comforted by his friend and her wisdom, “Just this, what you’ve been doing. Having you to push me around a little has been good. Sitting here talking is also good. I hope telling you that wasn’t too much.”

“I want to hear any time you’re worried or struggling. I remember you, and Bucky, telling me how hard it was not being able to say that aloud without snap judgement. I promised you then, and I meant it, you can always be straight with me. Does it happen often?”

“Sometimes, sometimes not. I write it down, I tell the dogs.”

“Call me, or text, if neither of those are enough, even if they are, I’m happy to listen.”

“You shouldn’t have to. I have my therapist, my recovery diary, and even a sponsor for that.”

“You deserve more, TJ. A friend. Someone who can hear you say it and not go into panic mode, I’m going to say it, you haven’t had that since Bucky. I am no Bucky, but I do care about you TJ.”

“I know.” TJ frowned, trying to force it into a smile for their server when the food was delivered.

“This looks amazing.” Lee dropped the topic, smiling in anticipation of good food. “Don’t tell Matt we ate like this.”

“Your secret’s safe with me. How are you and Alec getting along?”

“He’s a good man.” Lee grinned, “you know that. We’re good, I waited a long time before I told him what you told me about Bucky. It wasn’t easy keeping it from him, and I know you said I could tell him, but I tried anyway. You know? He’s kind of in awe. He can’t seem to fathom the guy we hung out with is the same as this soldier-prisoner of war-hero guy. He spent a lot of time reading online things about his treatment and stuff. I can’t listen when he talks about it. It pains me.”

“I have been reading the same stuff, since before Steve came around, just trying to put it all together. I wanted to build a defense. You know, I was laughed out of law offices?”

“They won’t be laughing when Bucky is home. You said Steve’s defense was built on the same documents, right?”

“Yeah, he gave my mom this huge file, videos, pictures, books full of handwritten notes. She couldn’t talk to me for the first little while after reading them. Even after I told her I had a pretty good idea what she had seen. I think my dad researched and composed the entire defense, including rebuttal questions and all kinds of hypothetical side notes.”

“What you’re telling me is don’t get Alec and your dad in the same room together.”

“Probably not.” TJ frowned, “How’s your food?”

“It’s great. Should I wear this dress to your opening night, even though I’m on shift that night?”

“You should. I think it’s festive, and you’ll pull great tips. Unless you want to save it for The Dome’s Christmas party.”

“I will wear it both nights. I really do love it TJ, thank you.”

“You deserve it, and more. So, you mentioned a movie. I’d like that, if you meant it. We were going to go to the theater that night, and I haven’t been since, so I’d like it if you’d break that taboo with me.”

“Yes. There’s an art film I’d like to see, and there’s Fantastic Beasts, you choose.”

“Art film is the same as emotional devastation, isn’t it?”

“Maybe the other one.” Lee smiled and blushed. “Save room for movie snacks.”

“Yes, definitely. What are your Thanksgiving plans?”

“Alec and I are going to Jack’s place. He wants us to meet his partner. My mother may or may not be there. You?”

“Mom, the family, plus Anne’s parents. Camp David this year for some reason."

“Are you staying away, or coming home?”

“No, I’m leaving the dogs home, and using them as an excuse to escape the insanity.” TJ decided right then. “I think that’s what I’m going to do.”

“I like it. You could come with Alec and me.”

“Thanks – but I should do this. I need to see my grandmother, and show how well I'm doing on my own to the rest of them.”

“You could be honest and tell them you’re not doing so well, and you’re trying.”

“That does not compute.” TJ scoffed.

“Ok, I get it. Does it compute where it counts? Do you give yourself a break when you’re not doing so well?”

“Most of the time. Sometimes I think about the things Bucky taught me, breakfast, washing the dishes, and I say ‘screw it’ and have a bowl of cereal, and leave the dishes for later. Of course, I hear him and see him rolling his eyes at me, and eventually I wash the dishes.”

“You can do that, you know. You can bring him to mind, tell him “screw it” and do what you need to do to cope.” Lee pushed her plate aside, folding her hands in front of her.

“I know, and I do. Did you ever know how much of a stickler he was for washing the dishes? Apparently he let them go in Romania. Steve said things weren’t quite as orderly as Bucky used to require. Does that mean he was saying “screw it”? Or did something happen to make him stop?”

“Something absolutely happened. You got shot and he had to leave without seeing you, and live without you. He was definitely _coping_.”

“I guess you’re right.” TJ considered, “It looks like you’re done. What time is the movie?”

…

TJ considered Thanksgiving a disaster. It didn’t help that he’d dreamed for five straight nights leading up to the holiday, that miraculously, Steve’s out of country visit would bring Bucky home. Steve hadn’t been in contact, he had no idea what was going on, or if Steve was even in the same country as Bucky, but the vague knowledge (and probably all the talking he and Lee had done over lunch) had still led to dreams that had set him up for disappointment, in the worst possible way. Especially since the guest list had been expanded to include that goddamned Thaddeus Ross.

TJ’s look was thunderous when he turned it on his mother, as Ross was greeted so warmly. At the table, TJ picked at his dinner, while being asked about Eddie’s VA progress.

“He’s good to go. We’re no longer in training. We’ve been officially visiting once weekly. Four hour visits to any staff or patients who want, or need time. He loves the extra attention, and there are patients who have even said that his visits are helping them. It’s the best thing I could be doing with my time right now.

“I’ve had to delegate extra work to MJ and Cy at The Dome to add another day each week throughout the holidays, so starting this week, we’ll be there twice weekly. Would you believe one of the nurses has bought at least a half dozen holiday sweaters for Eddie? The one he wore yesterday was a hit. I guess we’ll be using them through the holidays.”

That was the extent of what TJ had to say, and he said it all in a bit of a rush, just to keep focus on what he could say, versus what he wanted to say. He looked at Nana, at Douglas, and at Dad to say it, he wasn’t able to look at his mother right now, and Ross? He could barely spare him a glance when he had to shake his hand to greet him politely at the start of this fiasco.

TJ couldn’t eat much of what was in front of him, the company was spoiling his appetite, and the smell of the rolls reminded him of the time he and Bucky had decided to bake bread, on the hottest day of spring, which just made TJ sad. In the end, TJ wound up taking home an entire serving of everything after being coaxed, goaded, and encouraged to give a sample of what he’d be playing at The Dome. “After all, it’s the holidays.” His father had insisted, in his over-the-top voice.

Putting everything he had into the piece, he pulled a couple of lighter holiday tunes, quick ones, and focused on them as though it were just another rehearsal. He managed to push that smug face of Ross’ out of his mind and play through the songs.

TJ almost succeeded in leaving without saying anything to his mother. He knew it was rude, but he was feeling very inhospitable. Elaine blocked his exit at the door.

“Mom, I’ve got to get back to the dogs, it’s over an hour away, and I need to try to avoid traffic.”

“TJ, that’s the most you’ve said to me all afternoon. You’ve even shut out your grandmother, that’s not like you.”

“You know why.” TJ managed to grind out.

“I need to be nice to the man, not only does he work for me, he’s got the ear of the people still holding onto The Accords with tight fists. He was alone for the holidays, being gracious can only work in our favor. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you ahead of time.”

“It’s ok. I’ve come to expect horrible surprises from people. Speaking of which, have you heard anything from Steve? Either he’s avoiding my calls, or he has no service, I’m inclined to believe the former.”

“I haven’t spoken to him recently. I haven’t heard from him since your father sent him the detailed email, with a lot of attachments and links for mounting Bucky’s defense. He got a ‘thank you’ and a ‘will follow up if I have questions’ blurb. Just keep doing what you’re doing, TJ. I’m working, hard, and I’m sure he is too. This is in addition to everything else I have to do. Please don’t shut yourself away through the holiday TJ. It’s a lonesome time, and it’s hard for everyone.”

“You mean I made one mistake around this time of year, therefore I have a horrible history, and you’re trying to put it nicely. I’m good. I’m working with the dogs, I’ve found them some indoor agility classes because of the weather. I’m honestly as fine as I can be, considering I’m shut out of the  loop, unable to help, even though both you and he promised I’d be able to do so.”

“TJ, you can hold your grudges with me, and that’s fine. You are also free to have a problem with how _he’s_ handling things, but you cannot hold me responsible for his actions.”

TJ ran a hand through his hair, exasperated and deflated. “I know. You’re right. It just seems the two are connected somehow. I guess I’m just too involved, I’m becoming a conspiracy theorist.”

“You’re not that bad.” Elaine put a hand on TJ’s forearm. “Be careful driving home, call me when you get there, no texting. I want to hear from you.”

“What? You say that like I only send texts.”

“You do. Every time I ask you to call, you text me three words. “I’m home safe.” So do what I ask, just this once?”

“Ok. If you promise to tell me more about what _he’s_ doing here later. I don’t want any more of that “alone for the holiday” nonsense. Steve’s my friend, even if he _is_ ducking my calls. I want to know what you have in store for him when he turns himself in.”

“I’ll tell you as soon as I know.”

“I call ‘bullshit’. But I know you’re not going to say anything until you feel it’s necessary, so I know to quit before I get into trouble.” TJ let out a harsh laugh, “I was about to say ‘while I’m ahead’, but I’m nowhere near _ahead_ of any of this.”

Elaine pulled her son, her mostly unwilling son, into a hug. “I love you. I’m not telling you things I don’t know, and I’m not going to tell you things that aren’t concrete either, because getting your hopes up would be crueler than keeping you out of the loop. If I can’t accomplish all that I want to, it’s better for you to learn of everything after the fact. Don’t you agree?”

“Part of me does. The part that’s waiting to find out where my friend is going to wind up, the part that worries about how Bucky will take the news, doesn’t agree.”

“You’re so mature, TJ. You’ve grown so much.”

“So you keep saying. I hope he recognizes me.” TJ’s voice was sad, “I gotta go, I’ll see you soon, ok?”

“Ok, remember, you’re calling me when you get home. No texts, no excuses.”

“Yes ma’am.” TJ agreed.

Driving home late in the day was a lonesome prospect. TJ tuned the stereo to Christmas music, and played along in his head. He made a mental list of Christmas movies he’d gather up for the after Christmas holiday he was going to torture Bucky with at Grandpa Hammond’s farm. The place was going to be all decked out too; he didn’t care if it was the middle of summer when it happened. That thought made him feel extra melancholy, given that he didn’t get to spend this past summer with Bucky.

Once he pulled into the parking lot at his building, he shut the car off and called his mom. “I’m home safe.” He said.

“Funny.” She didn’t quite laugh, but he imagined she’d smiled indulgently, “I’m glad honey. I’m also glad you waited the responsible amount of time between leaving and calling.”

“Seriously, I didn’t speed. I just barely parked in the lot. Haven’t even taken my leftovers out of the back yet.”

“I’m relieved to hear it. I’ve missed you, and I’m terribly sorry I ruined Thanksgiving for you.”

“I hope it’s worth it, after all, it’s just another holiday. In all honesty, I got my hopes up for some kind of miracle that wasn’t even remotely going to happen, so I was already in a mood.”

“I’m sorry if I had anything to do with getting your hopes up.”

“No, I just got it into my head that since you were both keeping secrets from me, at least it could have a happy resolution. What better day for something like that than Thanksgiving?”

“I’m sorry TJ.”

“Me too. I’m sorry I was so inhospitable. It’s still beyond me why he was there. I honestly hope that works out for you. I heard he was angry about your deal with Steve. I hope you didn’t invite him just because of that. Has he blown off that particular head of steam?”

“Yes, I’ve been able to reason with him to a certain extent. I’m still hoping for more. This isn’t all business, and it’s not all personal. It’s a very tricky line I have to toe.”

“I’m sorry for putting all my emotions onto you. I miss him so much. I just want…. Things. Things that make sense to me, which I can’t seem to impress on anyone else how important they are, and how simple the solution should be.”

“I really do wish the solution could be as simple as it _should_ be TJ.”

“I know mom. So, I’ve called, I’ve said more of the same. I haven’t gotten inside to the dogs yet, and to tell the truth, I’m tired. I’m going in. I’m going to relieve the dogs, and then I’m going to let them up onto my bed and we’re going to fall asleep watching Christmas movies.”

“Ok. I’m going to go back to what I’ve been trying to do.” She sounded to TJ as though, maybe she believed him.

“Yeah, go entertain the windbag. Make it good, we want Steve back too.” Might as well throw that out there. It’s Christmas, after all, and TJ thought he was long overdue for a few ‘Christmas miracles’.

TJ ended the call before he could make any more mistakes. He gathered his coat and the leftovers, and headed up to his apartment. Just like at dinner, he had a little nervous expectation that maybe, just maybe, there’d be an impossible surprise. Just like at dinner, he scolded himself for being so juvenile. He was only greeted by Dom’s howling, and the familiar sharp bark from Eddie.

“Hey boys. I’m home. Brought leftovers enough for everyone. I know, I got my hopes up for nothing, but the pie looks good.” TJ rambled as he set his things down. He went into the bedroom, and changed into sweats and a thick hoodie, pulled his thick woolen socks on, and  stuffed his toes into his sneakers, before letting the dogs out of their crates.

TJ sent both dogs to get their leashes, and though each dog typically brought one leash each back to TJ, Eddie’s success rate with his own leash was generally determined by whether he got to the basket first, or Dom did. Dom would just grab any leash and run, and typically that leash would be Eddie’s. Today was no different. Left with only one option, Eddie brought Dom’s to TJ, and waited for him to take it. Dom had already dropped Eddie’s leash at TJ’s feet, and was now sitting, waiting for the magic that followed. Dom never knew if it would be a treat, or a walk, or both. Preferably both.

“Ok, you. I’ll give you turkey when we come back inside. I picked some good pieces, just for you guys.” As usual, the antics and attention from the dogs worked to lighten his mood. The air outside was cold enough that the dogs didn’t dawdle, and had TJ rushing to clean up after them as well.

They all hurried back inside for cold turkey, TJ kicked his shoes off, and ate a piece of pie while “White Christmas” unfolded on his television.

“Why do I do this? Why is it always World War Two movies, Nazis, or soldiers? Why?” TJ thought as he wiped his face at the end of the movie. The dogs were both asleep at his sides, he was warm, and he was miserable. TJ opted for a lighter movie, and fell asleep before the end of the second scene, curled around Eddie, with Dom pressed against his back.


	42. Chapter 42

“I don’t know about this, Ma’am. This feels wrong.” He looked into the mirror, his hair fell softly over his eyes and brushed the collar of his white – was this really silk? – shirt. Yeah, he was well turned out, yet he still felt like a chump, he thought, as he brushed the wisp of hair away.

“Relax, I’ll take the brunt of the fallout. You just… stop fretting. He’ll forgive both of us. We get a pass. We’re old. But don’t call me ‘Ma’am’, I’m not _that_ old.”

Bucky looked at Margaret Barrish, seeing TJ in her radiant smile and twinkling eyes. He’d always  envisioned her as lovely, and he’d imagined she was kind and brash, of course, because of all TJ had told him about his beloved grandmother. Right on all counts. He tugged at the hem of the dress shirt she’d thrown at him.

Everything still felt just a little surreal, ever since drifting awake, not feeling the harsh sting of cold, or the brutal torment that usually followed Cryo. When he did wake, he’d seen Steve standing in the same spot he’d seen him last, waiting with that same stoic look on his face, minus the glaring bruises. Steve hesitated before answering Bucky’s hoarse “How long?” That hesitation filled Bucky with anxiety and fear.

“Just a few months, really. It’s the first week of November. I have a friend who is positive that she can help. You remember Wanda?”

“I do.” The sigh of relief had to have been obvious, now he was just anxious. “Why?”

“You have a very persistent boyfriend.” Steve had smiled tenderly.

Bucky still remembered going soft at the mention of TJ, and worrying about Steve at the same time. “He’s a thorn in your side now, I take it. I guess that was my doing.”

“He’s passionate. He hasn’t been a bother, just insistent.” Steve had smiled and the smile faded as quickly, “I feel bad, I’ve been avoiding him.”

“You should feel bad. You know how that feels.” Bucky had said pointedly, “So, you said you got Wanda. You think she can help? At what cost?”

“It’s going to be long, and tiresome for both of you. She says she can pace herself, if you’ll work with her. She has a plan for minimal strain, if you both remember to allow for recovery between sessions. It can be done, and rather quickly, but it won’t be without pain.”

“For either of us.” Bucky added what Steve hadn’t said.

Bucky had met repeatedly with Wanda, and with T’Challa’s therapists over the course of those three weeks. In the process they’d formed a close bond. He instantly regretted that she would have to see what was in his head, but she convinced him that she wasn’t about to judge him. She’d even given him a glimpse inside hers as an act of faith. The things she’d shared with him, from the Hydra experimentation, to her dark thoughts about Stark and the Avengers, and even her troubled thoughts over the loss of her brother, combined with how she had embraced the kindness Steve and Barton had shown her, helped him more than he’d imagined it could.

Now, just weeks later, here he was, standing in TJ’s grandmother’s well-appointed home, being _strongly encouraged_ to dress for dinner and a show at The Dome. Bucky felt more exposed now than having Wanda wander through his mind. He could just imagine how much more exposed he’d feel later when he was sitting there at The Dome. It terrified him, and he wasn’t even there yet.

“Stop fussing. You’re a free man, Bucky. Elaine and Bud’s defense, and Steve’s presentation were brilliant and convincing, and you’re free. You told TJ you wanted to see him perform, front and center, and he’s been hard at work for months creating this holiday show. Months. The least you can do is dress the part so we can make your - both of your wish come true.”

“I know, But this? Tonight?” He shrugged at her when she shook her head at him with a warning frown. “I can’t take _The_ President’s table? The entire table to myself?”

“That’s the one, front and center. Don’t sweat it James. Elaine will see the performance on another night. She had more than one night reserved anyway, in case she needed to bow out. As TJ’s mother, Elaine decided that you’re a worthy reason to bow out, now stop _fidgeting_. You’re going to be one of the first people he sees, don’t do it in a wrinkled designer suit.”

“TJ is going to freeze and be embarrassed.” Bucky worried, nervously pressing the fabric she was complaining about with the palms of his hands. He wasn’t ready to be dolled up in a cut to fit designer suit, even if the blue was one of TJ’s favorites.

“I will warn you,” Margaret said, placing a gentle hand on his arm, “when you first left, TJ was fragile, more than you’ve ever known him to be, but he’s gotten so much stronger. He’s the same sweet kid, but that boy’s resolve is incredible. I promise you, he’ll recover from a bit of a surprise. You’ll both be embarrassed and you’ll both live.”

“I’m going to be so exposed.” Bucky finally said the words aloud.

“You’re going to be fine. Douglas, Anne, and I will be there. You know us, and we’ll see to it that you’re not entirely alone.”

“Margaret, thank you for everything. I just don’t know who thought surprising him like this would be a good idea. I guess any reunion would be nerve-wracking, but wouldn’t it have been better...”

“You’re right, any reunion would be nerve-wracking. You tell me, what do you think would have worked better? He’s not that easy to surprise, he’s a suspicious little shit.”

Bucky tugged on the cuffs of his shirt-sleeves, and had his hands slapped away. If he weren’t so nervous, he might laugh at her treatment, “Tell me, who is with TJ? This is his opening night, he’s going to be so nervous, let me go to him before...”

“Nonsense. This isn’t his first rodeo, he’s done this before. This is just a holiday set instead of standard fare. He’ll be a little nervous, but I guarantee you he’s going to be just fine.”

“I’m heading over to make sure of that right now.” Douglas said from the doorway, “he’s going to be very surprised, but very happy.”

“Don’t you dare say one word, Douglas.” Margaret scolded.

“Trust me, between Rogers, Mom and you, I don’t know who I’d want to go up against if I spoiled your collective surprise.”

“Steve’s in on this too?” Bucky looked up from the button he was fiddling with.

“Yes, he kept everything a secret from TJ. At first he did it to keep from getting his hopes up, and then Elaine and I brainstormed as things started looking up. He’s easy to convince, sometimes.”

“Yeah, except for the whole turning himself in business.”

“You should have heard the stink TJ raised over that one.” Margaret chuckled. “Steve Rogers is going to be just fine too.”

“What? You keeping more secrets?” Bucky asked, tugging on the hem of his shirt again. “This is too nice. I should just…”

“You should just be quiet for two seconds. Tuck that in, before you wrinkle it.” Margaret smiled warmly, looking up into Bucky’s storm cloud gray eyes, “He’ll notice.”

“I haven’t worn anything like this in decades.”

“It fits you perfectly and you look like you’re a supermodel, don’t worry. Stop fussing.” She covered his hand with hers, apparently unfazed by his prosthetic, smiling up at Bucky.

“You keep saying that like it’s going to fix anything.” Bucky complained. “Can’t I just wear one of TJ’s sweaters and a pair of jeans?”

“No you may not. You’re wearing a nice tailored suit, with a shirt that frames your face perfectly. You look amazing, TJ will notice every thread, and will really appreciate the way you look. Tomorrow, you and TJ can huddle together in sweats all day for all I care, but tonight, you’re checking off one of the things on your list, and it’s TJ’s opening night, so you’ll dress the part.”

“Yes Ma’am.” Bucky smiled.

“I’m not making you wear a tie, be happy about that.”

“I do appreciate that. It’s been a long time since I had to, and I don’t know if I could take that much, so close at my throat.”

“I’m not an ogre.” She smiled tenderly, adjusting his collar, “Look at you, you look fantastic.”

“I’ll take the compliment, from someone who looks as elegant as you. Thank you for doing this, and for putting up with my fussing and griping.”

“I’ll put up with a lot more from you, as long as you never get my grandson shot again, or leave him bleeding, better yet, just don’t leave him at all.”

“I’ll never forgive myself for TJ being shot.” Bucky looked at himself in the full-length mirror, his shirt, finally tucked in, while Margaret adjusted his sleeve cuffs under the suit coat she’d helped him settle over his shoulders. “I’m not completely out of danger you know.”

“I know, but you’re safe for now." Margaret put her small, strong hands on his shoulders, "Listen, I know it’s counterintuitive, but you’re going to have security following you. They’re for your safety, and for TJ’s. They will allow you privacy, but that ‘following you’ feeling will have to be something you’re used to for a while. Don’t you listen to me about that other thing, I know the shooting wasn’t your fault. TJ’s fine, Lee’s fine, and if he ever heard me say what I did, I doubt he’d forgive me.”

“I understand where it came from, you know he would too, TJ would never hold a grudge against you for being scared.”

“Well, you’re as ready as you’ll ever be. If we keep standing here, you’ll be late, and you’ll fuss yourself right out of that suit. Come on, escort an old lady to a Christmas concert.”

“As long as you don’t mind being seen with an older man.” Bucky grinned, offering Margaret his arm.

“Honey, any time.” She patted his forearm before looping her arm through his.

* * *

What do you mean “mom’s not coming”? Dougie, it’s _opening night_.” TJ paced the room, nervously buttoning the dark pearl buttons on his charcoal gray shirt.

“I know, TJ. She wouldn’t miss it unless it was for something urgent.” Douglas nearly said “important”, and it was to her, more important, but Douglas was careful not to intentionally set the wrong tone with TJ.

“I’m so sick of urgent, more important, higher priority. Fuck.” TJ threw his hands up and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed.

“Settle down TJ. I mean, I’m sorry, I know.” Doug sat beside his brother on the bed, “Get ready. Do the show. It’ll still be a great night with an amazing turnout. Mom will see another performance.”

“I know, but opening night?”

“Trust me, you’ll be better Friday.” Douglas said with a slight grin, “maybe next week, extra practice.”

“Fuck you.” TJ said, but found that he was fighting a smile, instead of just being ready to scream.

“No thanks, asshole.” Douglas stood up and handed TJ the dark waistcoat.

“Let’s go.” TJ groaned, slipping an arm into the vest, “I gotta get this _practice session_ under my belt before I’ll be good enough to perform for _President Mom_. It’s not like she hasn’t heard me play everything two thousand times anyway.”

“Exactly. You’ve seen one TJ Hammond performance…” Douglas messed with TJ’s tie, loosening and causing it to lie lopsided.

“Don’t even finish that line.” TJ growled, straightening the metallic gray tie, before grinning. He grabbed his suit coat, said “see ya later” to the dogs in their crates and followed Douglas to the front door.

Douglas held TJ’s coat as TJ locked up the apartment, before heading down to the car.

Outside, TJ greeted Anne “Annie! Thanks for coming. At least you’ll get to hear my _practice session_.” He grinned, he gave her a quick, awkward hug from inside the car just before getting seated, “Where’s Nana?”

“You know I wouldn’t miss it TJ.” Anne said with a smile, setting her hand on TJ’s knee. “Margaret said she’s going to meet us there, something about a date or something. You’ll be fine, we’re going to have a great night.”

“Will you be my mom?”

“That’s just weird.” Anne and Douglas said in unison.

“I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.” TJ cringed, “Very weird.”

* * *

 

“You have video too? When did that happen?” TJ wandered around the sound system, he’d hurried in to check with MJ to see if the problems that had cropped up earlier with the recording equipment had been resolved. He’d seen all new equipment and could almost hug her.

“I got my hands on the stuff for the week, I thought maybe it would be fun for you to have HD video _and_ killer sound.”

“Jesus, MJ. I’m so glad I listened to Bucky and hired you.” Even if the reminder made his heart lurch just a little, he couldn’t help but bring him up to people who would let him.

“So you say.” She grinned. “Break a leg TJ.”

TJ sighed, watching her move to her position. He removed his suit jacket setting it next to MJ’s seat, and stepped out onto the stage.

Focusing solely on the black and white of the keys, TJ approached the piano. Sitting elegantly, he placed his hands on the keys and the intro to his opening song trailed under the sound of his name being introduced.

The first song on TJ’s set list had been scratched out and re-added back onto the list so many times since October, that he hadn’t even been sure he’d include it tonight until the notes played back at him.

TJ had no plans to look at what would have been his mother’s table. He knew his family was seated one table to the left, and he didn’t want to see who was put in the place of honor in his mother’s absence. When the final notes of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” ended and the house lights went up, his trained eye went straight to the table located front and center. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw, seated in the chair that he had been determined not to notice, the face from his dreams fighting a smile.

TJ rose from the piano bench and braced himself with the corner of the piano. His knees were like jelly and his heart was racing.

“Bucky?” he breathed, as gently as he could, in case his breath blew the image away. TJ’s hands were shaking and he felt a tear cooling his cheek. “Bucky? Is it really you?” Could this be another dream, taunting him? More tears fell, working with the lights to blind him. TJ frantically wiped the tears away to clear his vision.

Bucky stood up, seeing TJ’s unsteady legs, and rushed to him, not paying attention to anything else, just TJ. The cameras and the murmurs didn’t even warrant consideration, “It’s me TJ. It’s ok sweetheart.” Bucky said quietly into TJ’s neck as he held him, and inhaled his familiar scent.

TJ gripped Bucky tightly across his back, burying his face in the warmth of Bucky’s neck, and tuned out the mumbled sounds coming from the crowd. “You… how?”

“Much to discuss. Later. Only two things matter right now, sweetheart.” Bucky cradled TJ’s head as the sobs escaped. He gave TJ’s neck a little scratch before he stepped back, holding TJ at arm’s length, looking him over intently, grinning as he saw TJ finally smile, “Two things, are you ok to continue, and since I need a place to stay, can I stay with you?”

TJ laughed, kissing Bucky, and laughed again, “I’ll have to continue, won’t I? People paid to see  this mess. And yes – you can definitely stay with me.”

“If you’re sure, I’ll get back to my seat.” Bucky tried to step backward but was stopped by TJ’s grip. He whispered into TJ’s ear, “Don’t worry, you’re stuck with me, I’m not going any farther than that table.” Bucky added a soft kiss to TJ’s neck, “Hey so, you know the food here, what do you recommend?”

The teasing reminder helped ground TJ, he still couldn’t loosen his hold on Bucky, but he was getting closer to being able, he chuckled softly, “anything, Matt’s on shift tonight. Jesus I love you.”

“I love you too.” Bucky kissed TJ again lightly, “Get to work, I’ll have you know I came here to see a show.”

Bucky wiped at his eyes, and watched TJ do the same. TJ glanced over at the bar to see Lee wipe tears from her own eyes. He reluctantly let Bucky go, and watched through tear blurred vision as Lee hurried to pour and serve Bucky a drink as soon as he retook his seat. Oh, to hear their conversation. TJ smiled. He took a deep breath before speaking to his audience.

“Ladies and Gentlemen.” TJ cleared his throat, acutely aware of every single eye on him, or maybe some were on Bucky, and that was still enough to cause unease. He looked at Bucky, then at the smiling faces of his grandmother, Douglas and Anne.

He started again, his voice more firm, “Ladies and Gentlemen, you are lucky tonight. You thought you were just going to be hearing a few Christmas songs tonight, and you will. But first, will you please join me in a long overdue welcome home? Sergeant James Barnes has finally come home from the war. Too many wars, to be honest. Bucky, my love, thank you for your service. Welcome home.” TJ couldn’t stop smiling, especially after Bucky’s shy smile and a quick raise of his glass.

The applause that followed proved that the nervous crowd was with them and TJ focused on continuing his set, and trying to remember what he was doing next. A few days ago, TJ swore he could play this set blindfolded. He hadn’t counted on being dumbfounded and love-struck as well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been tormenting my readers for the past several chapters, and I wanted to do something nice to make up for it, so I commissioned (for me as well, because I've been suffering too) [@yawpkatsi](http://yawpkatsi.tumblr.com/) to create a lovely little reunion picture of TJ and Bucky (OMG did she deliver!!).


	43. Chapter 43

“TJ, are you sure? You have people waiting to say “hi”. You have an after party planned.” Bucky said into TJ’s kisses.

“Shh. Yes, let’s just go. I can’t stay here and entertain people when all I want to do is wrap myself around you. I think our reunion is a good enough excuse.”

“I’m not complaining for me, but you must have been looking forward to…”

TJ kissed Bucky deeply, “quiet. You’re. not. listening. I’ve been _waiting_ _for you_. Everything about my plans leading up to this were because of you. I’ll explain later, but no – everyone can have a good time without us. I _just want to keep you to myself for a while_ , which means ducking my family, our friends, and the press.”

Bucky held TJ close, and started kissing TJ’s neck, pressing his face into the warm spot there, “mm-kay.” He muttered, “There’s a car out there waiting. Your grandmother can ride home with your brother.”

TJ laughed at Bucky’s quick thinking as they hurried out the side-door and around the building, “Eddie’s going to be so excited when you walk in, and I can’t wait for you to meet Dom.” TJ laughed as he thought about the reception Eddie would likely give Bucky.

“Who?” Bucky asked, as they climbed into the car that was waiting at the curb after TJ’s text, “Just who is Dom, and how did you meet him?”

“Dom is Domino, a five-year old Australian shepherd mix who came into my life this past fall. He’s a bigger goober than Eddie ever thought of being. I _met_ _him_ at the shelter. We walked, I talked, and he listened. I adopted him all by myself.” TJ couldn’t stop grinning, holding Bucky’s hand in the back of the limo. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Believe it. You’re stuck with me, and because you’re stuck with me, you’re also stuck with security following us around. It seems as though your mother and I agree that we don’t want you getting shot again.”

TJ’s fingers brushed over the back of Bucky’s hand and over the width of his thigh. He felt he needed to keep touching Bucky to reassure himself that the whole thing was real. “What do you want to do first?” TJ asked, ignoring the topic of gunshots and security. That could be worried about later. “How are you here?”

“Steve presented the defense your parents worked out, argued it skillfully, and I was acquitted. Most of that was accomplished without my presence, because I was working with Wanda to fix other things. So, now that I’ve not exactly answered your most pressing question, I will answer your much more important question. What I want to do first, TJ, I want to listen to you. I want you to tell me everything I’ve missed since I left. I want to know all about you and everything you’ve been doing. Ok, that’s second, First I want out of this suit. I feel so out of place in it.”

“Oh, undressing you was high on my list.” TJ smiled mischievously.

“I knew it would be,” Bucky laughed, rubbing his thumb along TJ’s fingers. “I promise, I love the idea, but can we take it slow? I mean, there’s so much to make up for. I want to take my time.”

“Yes, I can absolutely take my time catching you up. You’re going to be bored by me soon enough. I will be asking you more questions, I can’t be kept out of anything, not anymore.”

Bucky put his arm snugly around TJ’s shoulder, “I know, and I’m honestly just saving you a bunch of boring clinical talk. The legal end is something your mother and your brother will really get a kick out of explaining to death. The stuff with Wanda was hard work, it will take time to explain, and I’m still going to be seeing a therapist over a lot of it.”

“So, you need time.” TJ nodded, “Ok, you have all the time you need. I’ll probably still ask.”

Bucky gave TJ’s shoulder a squeeze, and smiled, “I know.”

They were quiet for the remainder of the drive, Bucky was so overwhelmed with feelings, relief, and joy, plus a strange anxiety pounding in his chest, he wasn’t alone, he wouldn’t be alone anymore. TJ kept looking at the creases in Bucky’s trousers, his hand on his leg, strangely fashionable shoes on his feet. Some of these things were too out of place for this man next to him to be Bucky, when it proved too much, TJ looked up the line of Bucky’s jacket to the open-necked silk shirt and Bucky’s soft skin and light dusting of hair, a pattern he recognized, and the curve of his collar bones, the concave spot he’d kissed so often. Bucky’s stubbled chin was real, and very much Bucky.

The car came to a stop in front of TJ’s building, the door opening to a small gathering of press being held at bay by security. “Welcome home.” TJ groaned. “You remember when you wanted your name back and everything? I hope the thing at the club wasn’t a bad idea.”

“You mean the “welcome home” thing?” Bucky kissed TJ quickly, “It was the best thing ever.”

“Well, you might change your mind, word must have gotten out, it’s probably all over the internet.”

“My acquittal will be too, and I don’t care.” Bucky stepped out of the car behind TJ, standing tall. He listened to the chatter of reporters snapping questions at them both, timed with the click of camera shutters, and heard TJ’s “That’s a bold statement” before hearing what he assumed was the head of security telling the press to back away, and that certainly someone would be in touch with a statement.

“Ok, I’ve never gone in through the front door.” Bucky confessed as they hurried up the stairs. “I don’t think you know exactly how much I like this place.”

“I think have an idea. I mean, you said you wanted to live here, that was enough for me to figure it out.” TJ smiled as he stopped in front of his door. He handed Bucky a key. The extra key TJ had kept with him at all times. “Your key, sir.”

“My very own? Really?”

“It’s yours from when you stayed, I took it off your keys when I sold Alec your bike. You wanna do the honors and let us in? Or would you rather stand there looking at a key?”

“This is a big moment for me.” Bucky said, running his finger over the jagged edge of the key. “You really carry this with you? You couldn’t have known, you didn’t know. You were too surprised.”

“I keep it with me, sue me.” TJ said dramatically. Now let us in, you still have to spoil Eddie, meet Dom, and change out of that suit. You can’t do any of those in the hallway.”

“Ok, ok.” Bucky laughed. “Wow. Did I really miss this?”

“Was that really a question?” TJ scoffed.

“Ok, yes. I missed this. I missed you.” Bucky unlocked the door.

“Don’t get too used to the place, next month sometime, the unit upstairs comes available, and it has an extra room. I thought, in case you needed a place to go, to have time to yourself. Plus this place will be pretty crowded with all four of us.”

“TJ, we don’t have to move.”

“I know, if you don’t want to, we won’t. I’ve been thinking about it, I had been considering moving upstairs in anticipation, and having the place ready for when you came back, but I like the idea of working on it together.”

Bucky set his key on the counter, shrugging out of his coat, and his suit coat. He hung both on a single coat hook and looked around. “Can we move slowly on that too? I say rent it, and I’ll do whatever I can to help with the payment, and help do whatever work it’s going to take to make the place ours. We can take our time, and paint it, and…”

TJ placed his hand on Bucky’s arm, “It’s not a rental, it’s a condo unit that’s going up for sale. What do you think?”

“Well, I should see it.” Bucky said, nervous about the prospect, but strangely excited too. “for sale, huh?” A single, sharp bark turned Bucky’s nervous smile affectionate, “Eddie…”

“Yeah, he knows.” TJ’s eyes misted, “He knows you’re home. Go. Go let him out, we’ll do Dom’s introductions after Eddie gets settled.”

“You have to tell me more about the time you’ve spent at the shelter,” Bucky looked longingly at TJ, “I want to hear everything.”

“We have time, Bucky. Let’s start with Eddie. I understand, I really, really do, because I just want to grab you and wrap us both up in every blanket in the house, shrugging off every single responsibility.”

TJ watched as Bucky went through the bedroom door, he stood back at the entrance of the room, letting the pair have their reunion. Bucky almost couldn’t see through tears, but as he blinked them away, and saw both dogs prancing in their crates, his heart melted. Eddie was trying _so hard_ to do what he’d been trained to do, but his wiggles couldn’t be contained. Bucky knelt beside the crate, letting Eddie lick his hands and his face. “You know what you need to do for me to open that door, pal.” His voice was hoarse and tender at the same time.

Eddie came as close to a sit as Bucky figured he’d be able to manage in his excitement. Bucky opened the gate, and Eddie burst through the opening, which was _not_ what he was supposed to do, but they overlooked it because both Bucky and TJ had reacted almost the same way, if Bucky hadn’t had a table between him and TJ at the club, he might not have waited until he saw TJ shakily standing at the piano. Bucky, was nearly bowled over by Eddie’s rush to get into his arms and to crawl onto his lap, but today was a special occasion.

TJ grinned behind his phone, taking video of the whole thing, while wiping the flood of tears from his face.

The sounds of the dogs cries were heartwarming and Bucky cried into Eddie’s scruff. “I’m so sorry it took so long. I know. I was afraid I’d never see you again pal.” He looked over at Dom’s crate, hearing the howling coming from the other dog. “You’ll get your turn. I’m dying to meet you.”

TJ waited until Eddie was quiet, “Hey Dom. You wanna do this the lazy way? I don’t think you need the leash for this, do ya pal?”

Dom sat and waited for TJ to open the crate, having his eagerness soothed by the attention he was finally getting, and the fact that Eddie was no longer making all those noises. TJ opened the crate, and let the dog out.

“I guess I should have asked if you were ready.” TJ apologized as Bucky was bowled over again.

“I’m always ready.” Bucky laughed, hugging the new dog and petting Eddie as he sat close by his side.

“He had some serious counter surfing problems when he first came home, but we worked with a trainer, and now, he’s pretty much a champ. Not that I’d leave anything tempting for him to break routine.” TJ said, watching Bucky stroke Dom’s thick fur.

“He’s beautiful. What a handsome guy you are, your eyes are amazing.”

“Black dog special,” TJ grinned, kneeling in front of Bucky, watching as he was overtaken by both dogs. “I became kind of a nut for a while, getting people to the shelter, encouraging – no – badgering them. Dad adopted a three-legged giant, a mastiff mix named Abe. Mom’s finally decided to check them out after the holidays, once I gave her the “everyone gives pets for Christmas and then they realize what they’ve done.” Speech. I’m not sure how many members of my family will thank you for introducing me to the animal shelter.”

Bucky laughed as TJ scooted closer, leaning against him.

“I’ve missed your laugh.” TJ sighed.

“I know the feeling TJ.” Bucky echoed TJ’s sigh, leaning his head on TJ’s shoulder. “So. Do these two need to go out right away, or can we get comfortable first.”

“Half and half. Put on some warm, cozy clothes, and then we’ll take them out. After that, we can come back and talk.”

“Ok. Help an old man up, why don’t you?”

“I see we’re back to that tired old bit again.” TJ grinned, tugging Bucky up, after he got to his own feet.

“Do you have some warm clothes I can borrow? I only have a small bag, and I think that’s still at your grandmother’s house.”

“You don’t have to ask, remember? What’s mine is yours. There’s even some of yours in here that I brought from your apartment. That place has finally been rented to someone else. The rogue squad was using it for a while.”

“Steve told me you two hit it off.”

“I had a hard time the first few days after he gave me your message. I clung to him like a life preserver. I think I made a nuisance of myself. He stopped answering my calls.”

“He was working on my case and didn’t want to drop any hints. He didn’t want you to get too excited over nothing, and then when it wasn’t ‘nothing’ any more, he was embroiled in a surprise scheme that included your mother and your grandmother. To quote your brother, “I don’t know who I’d want to go up against if I spoiled your collective surprise.” I think I’d agree with Douglas.”

“So, Dougie wasn’t in on it until the last, then.”

“I think the last bit was because he was roped in to reassure me, and to do that, he had to go to you.” Bucky shrugged out of the shirt he’d felt so self-conscious in earlier. TJ stepped up to him, touching his shoulder, and his arm.

“Steve told me what happened.” TJ’s fingers caressed the new metal, “I didn’t know what to expect. This is…”

“It’s mine. I had some say in its final design, and a lot of say in its functionality.”

“Well, now I _have_ to say something nice about it.” TJ said with a crooked grin.

Bucky put his new left hand on TJ’s neck, and pulled him close. “We haven’t taken advantage of being alone. We’ve kissed in front of everyone, and in front of your family, now kiss me the way you really wanted to.”

TJ put his hands on either side of Bucky’s face, feeling the tickle of the familiar stubble as it scraped over the palms of his hands. He smoothed his fingers into and through Bucky’s hair and nervously molded his lips to Bucky’s. Bucky felt TJ’s trembling lips, and smiled against them. “You’re not this bashful.”

TJ pulled away, burying his forehead in Bucky’s neck, “it’s been so long, I want so much. I want to go slow, and I want to speed up. I want to never, ever stop.”

“Honey, don’t worry.” Bucky cupped TJ’s head in one hand, gently stroking TJ’s neck and back with the other. “You can do all of those things. I promise. It’s ok. I’m not going anywhere, not ever again.”

“I’m supposed to be cried out over you. I wasn’t going to cry when I saw you again, and that’s all I’ve been doing. I can’t not.”

“It’s overwhelming.” Bucky led TJ to the bed, on the verge of tears himself. “Come on, sit with me. Yell at me. Tell me all the things you’ve wanted to say. What you wanted to tell me on the phone all those months ago, when you didn’t want to hurt my feelings.”

“I don’t want to yell.” TJ struggled to unbutton his shirt, blinded by tears, “I just can’t believe you’re here. I had dreams, leading up to Thanksgiving, all I did was dream that you’d be there. Each time I woke up it hurt worse, when you weren’t there I was angry. I thought for sure they were pulling something over on me, and that finally they’d have delivered. I was right though. They were plotting. Instead of letting me see you sooner, they toyed with me.”

Bucky knelt in front of TJ on the floor, taking over the task of unbuttoning. He kept his blurred vision on the buttons and on the contrast of flesh and metal against the charcoal silk, “I’m so sorry TJ. I knew the surprise would be problematic. I’m kind of glad you were here on Thanksgiving. I was working with Wanda by then, I wasn’t ready yet.”

“You’re defending them.” TJ sulked, covering Bucky’s hand on the final button. “What did you do for Thanksgiving?”

“I’m not defending anyone. It’s true, I wasn’t ready, I was still fresh out of cryo. I would have wanted to spend every second with you, and I wouldn’t have been able to focus on what we had to do.” Bucky placed his hand on TJ’s bare skin, “Wanda and I had dinner, she wished me a happy Thanksgiving and we both kind of laughed. We ate traditional Wakandan food, because it wasn’t a holiday for either of us, and it’s not a holiday in Wakanda, of course.”

“I’m glad Wanda could help. I never did hear one way or another, but when I suggested it to Steve, he didn’t want to bring her in at first.”

“Still didn’t." Bucky confirmed, moving back to the spot next to TJ on the bed, "They had a heart-to-heart when he was checking up on her, and she volunteered.”

TJ touched Bucky’s face tentatively, before zeroing in for the kiss he’d evaded before. Bucky tugged TJ closer, holding him tight, taking as much as TJ was willing to give and kissing back harder, more desperately. TJ pulled away slowly looking at Bucky’s mussed hair and kiss-swollen lips. He smiled, “God, I’ve missed that.”

Bucky laughed before agreeing.

“We should really take those two out.” TJ said, watching the two dogs stare at them from the bedroom door. He finally slipped his arms free of the shirt and crossed the room to the closet. Pulling two heavy sweatshirts out of the closet, TJ tossed one to Bucky.

“Ahh, this is more like it.” Bucky smirked, “I gave your grandmother a hell of a time for dressing me up.”

“She loved every minute of fussing over you.”

“To hear her tell it, I was the one fussing.” Bucky watched TJ pull the shirt on over his head, and caught his grin.

“What?” TJ asked.

“What? I can’t stop looking at you, that’s what. I’ve missed you, and I can only imagine how it was for you, for over twice as long.”

“It was hell.” TJ admitted. “But I made you a promise, so I tried really hard to stick to it. I never slipped. I at first I stayed here, avoiding everything, but since Steve came around I haven’t missed a meeting or a therapy visit. I’ve been taking Eddie to the VA twice a week for about that long as well. There was one month when we were first official visitors and not in training, and we were only going one day per week. We upped it to two days per week again for the holidays.” TJ stopped, “I’m rambling.”

Bucky crossed the room, and caught TJ’s hand. “No, you’re not rambling, I want to hear all of it, and more. I know it’s hard to be alone. I’m sorry you were.”

“You had nobody.” TJ linked his fingers with Bucky’s. “I had Lee and Matt, I had family, and for a few days, I had Steve.”

“TJ, honey, let’s focus on one of us at a time. I want to hear about you. I want to talk about you. Humor me?”

“Ok.” TJ kicked his suit pants off, and stepped into a pair of warm sweats.

“Ok. Let’s get these dogs settled and then we’ll hide in bed.” Bucky said, only barely wishing there wasn’t a need for the first step.

Once they were back inside the warmth of the apartment, after seeing the dogs through their paces, and nodding to security placed at the back entrance, TJ gathered snacks and watched as Bucky fed the two dogs, just like no time had ever separated them.

“Do you want a movie or anything?” TJ asked while the dogs finished up their dinner.

“Nope. Let’s just curl up together. It’s late, and I want to listen to you talk until you can’t keep your eyes open. I always loved listening to you talk as you fell asleep. So many nights I tried to remember just that. I spent each night in the dark, attempting to remember your voice, I wished on so many dark nights that I could just talk to you.”

“Bucky?” TJ stopped at the edge of the bed. “You’re really staying, right?”

“TJ, I  don’t want to be anywhere else.” Bucky climbed into the bed, under the covers, after shooing Eddie from his side.

“It’s Eddie’s side now. You’ll have to do that a few more times, I’m afraid.” TJ smiled before heading to the bathroom, “I’ll be right out.”

“I should do that too." Bucky watched TJ through the bathroom door as he loaded his toothbrush. The sense of being _HOME_ was practically overwhelming. "Don’t let me get too comfortable.”

“I want you so comfortable…” TJ said from the doorway, his mouth full of toothbrush and paste. He ducked back into the bathroom and came back, “I want you so comfortable you never want to leave. EVER.”

“I’m already signed on for that.” Bucky said loud enough to have his voice heard in the bathroom. “Mister Prepared for Anything? Do you have an extra toothbrush? I told you I left almost everything at your grandmother’s”

“Yup. You know where everything is. You can come in, you know, we used to trip over each other in your apartment and mine. You know? I'm pretty sure that Nana kept your stuff so she could get you to come back. She’s sly like that.”

“She’s amazing. She doesn’t put up with any BS. She’s wonderful TJ. Your mom’s pretty great too.”

“She’s improved.” TJ turned around from the sink, to watch Bucky come into the bathroom, “I can’t believe you know my family.”

“All but your dad. I met your mom a few days ago. I went with Steve when he turned himself in.”

“I told him not to make that deal.” TJ frowned. “I guess I owe him a “thank you” in spite of it.”

“He told me how upset you were. Are you still?”

“I am. Did he tell you I cussed him out and told him he wasn’t giving the three of us a chance? Because that was a little embarrassing.”

“He didn’t mention that part,” Bucky pulled a new toothbrush from the storage under the cabinet, “Were you this prepared before I came along?”

“I don’t remember. At least it comes in handy.” TJ smiled, backing up to let Bucky at the sink. He watched Bucky in the mirror, because he could, and because he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

Once they were both finished, Bucky pulled TJ by an arm toward the bed, “Come, you owe me some stories.”

“Where to begin?” TJ pondered, slipping his feet between the sheets.

“You were shot. You can start there.” Bucky sat as close to TJ as he could, smiling tenderly when TJ leaned against him.

“That sucked. I spent almost two weeks on monitored pain meds, against my fucking wishes, or arguing about it. I’m told if it’s doctor sanctioned it doesn’t count against my sober days. It sucked because I didn’t want them.”

“Pride?”

“Honestly? They messed with me. My dreams were all fucked up, and it made me feel really horrible.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you were put in that position, and I'm so, so sorry you were shot in the first place.”

“Me too. But pushing Lee out of the way, saved Lee’s life. I’d do that again. I’d hate it just as much, but I’d do it again.” TJ idly traced the lines of the sheet on top of Bucky’s thigh.

“I hope you don’t ever have to consider it. I waited.” Bucky put his fingers on TJ’s knuckles, lightly touching the skin as TJ’s fingers followed the hills and valleys of the sheet. “I should have been long gone, but I waited for word from the news outlets. I heard when you were being released, and I stalked you.” Bucky’s smile was pained. “I saw you come home, from across the alley. I saw all the security, and I knew you’d be safe.”

“You were here?” TJ’s eyes met Bucky’s

“I was close. The day you came home, long enough to see the small parade of people, and to see you walk into the building.”

“I was pretty out of it. Mom came around a little, Dad and Dougie wanted to know if the shooting was drug related. Dougie had to live with me for two weeks, minus the days Lee sent him away and stayed. I couldn’t explain much of what happened until I could tell Mom who you were. Before that, she knew I’d met “James” at a bar, and I think she knew I was lying, but she let it go. I know she didn’t want to. I think that because I was shot, she felt horrible, so she gave up asking. Nana told me she knew I was lying, but she didn’t think I was “up to no good”. She wanted me to confide in her, but I couldn’t just rat you out like that.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t have anyone to talk to.” Bucky laid his head on TJ’s shoulder.

“I wasn’t all alone in that, I couldn’t keep it from Lee, I had to tell someone, and she was loyal to you. Your turn, where did you go? Straight to Romania?”

TJ felt Bucky shift, uncomfortable in the memory, or sharing, but he took a deep breath and spoke. “I spent three weeks on a freighter, working, keeping my head down. It was paid transport out of the country. I wound up bartering and buying transport from Izmir to Bucharest, with a few bumps along the way. That credit card you gave me was inspired TJ. It helped buy transport a few times, and meals, it also paid part of the first month’s rent in Bucharest, so you really saved me.”

TJ was still on the verge of pinching himself to realize this wasn’t a dream. He was speechless that his insistence on getting and reloading the card had been a good idea. He lifted his arm in invitation, and Bucky settled against his chest.

“So, thank you.” Bucky said, rubbing his cheek on TJ’s shirt. “What happened after you recovered, did the police give you much hassle?”

“They wanted to, they were fed up and about to threaten Matt, Lee, and me with obstruction of justice. I guess my dad stepped in, this was while Dougie was keeping me doped up.” TJ smiled over the top of Bucky’s head. “All bluster, and legal jargon. To put it simply, there was no money missing, so there was no robbery, they only had a shooting, and the shooter was caught.”

Bucky sat up so he could see TJ, as much as being held was satisfying, he wanted to look his fill too. “I feel terrible that the bar owner had to lose her business.”

“She was losing her business anyway. Lee and Matt said that she had been considering closing for months, but they’d reasoned reduced hours to try to keep things level. I mean, losing a business sucks, so yeah… but it wasn’t because of you.

“After that, I focused on things that reminded me of you. Getting Eddie trained, the shelter. Eddie’s training was my big focus, and my first step. It took a little time to get my heart into the shelter without you there. Once I got Eddie into the VA, I started pushing myself to get to the shelter at least three times a week. Eventually, I went every morning. I even did the transport for their Wednesday spotlight. That’s how I met Abe. and I talked my dad into coming to see him, actually mom talked him into it. He kinda brushed me off. Jesus, you’d _love_ Abe. I just thought he was too big for this space, and Dad’s been taking him everywhere…”

TJ didn’t stop to breathe, he kept going, Bucky watched and listened with a little pang that TJ had felt so despondent and lost, but also proud of TJ for letting something else take the place of drugs. One of his biggest worries, the whole time they’d been separated, was that TJ would slip. He hated that he'd had any doubts. Bucky kept touching TJ as he listened while TJ continued.

“I fostered Dom the same day Dad adopted Abe. I brought him home to see how he and Eddie would work out. Same day Steve and Mom made that ridiculous agreement. Dom’s been home ever since.” TJ reached his foot to where the dog was contently snoozing at the foot of the bed next to Eddie, who was laying with his head across Bucky’s calf. “They’re both pretty good at Agility. Oh! I can’t wait for better weather! You have to see Eddie dock diving! Bucky, he’s a champ! He’s won tournaments.”

“What? Really?” Bucky couldn’t help but feed off TJ’s excitement, but his pride for both dog and trainer was his own.

“Yeah, that’s another thing Eddie and I did before Dom came along. Dom only got a rudimentary introduction. It was starting to get too cold. I’ve considered doing some of the indoor events, but we kept it outside mostly because I liked the outdoor atmosphere better. We might be headed to Florida in February. Bucky? Do you realize? You get to come too!”

“You couldn’t keep me away.” Bucky’s eyes misted at the thought of that kind of freedom. He kept watching TJ’s animated presentation, waiting for the excitement to burn off.

“So, you’re coming to _all four_ of my next performances at The Dome, right? I won’t spotlight you again, I promise. and you’ll come to the Christmas party?”

“Yes, I’ll be there for your shows, but the party? I don’t know, give me a chance to back out, please? I want to, but I don’t know if I can handle that kind of crowd.”

“Well, if you don’t go, I’ll stay home too, we’ll just have to spend the night watching Christmas movies, and decorating. Baking… lots of Christmas baking.”

“TJ, love.” Bucky chuckled, reaching for TJ’s animated hands, “Slow down. I’ve missed you too baby. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you so excited, and so happy.”

TJ leaned forward, kissing Bucky quickly, and then not so quickly, “There’s no looming _eventually_ on the horizon.” TJ murmured into Bucky’s return kiss, “I have you. You’re here, and you’re not leaving.”

“I know.” Bucky scooted back over to the headboard, putting his arms out inviting TJ in, “You’ve held me, we’ve stared at each other, all things I’ve wanted but not more than to hold you. I’ve been dying to have you in _my arms_.”

TJ sat against Bucky’s chest, letting Bucky’s arms envelop him. Bucky waited while TJ got comfortably situated, tightening his arms over TJ as he settled.

“Ok, you’re right. I’ve missed this.” TJ said with what Bucky suspected was a waning energy.

“I want it all too TJ. Holding you, being held. We have time for it all.”

“I know, we’ll get back into the swing of things, it’s just… you’ve only been mine for like an hour and a half, or something.”

“I’ve been yours since that night at the bar. We’ve only just been together _recently_ for such a short time. Ok, so tell me more.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple.

“There’s not much more to tell.” TJ stopped, “That’s not true, I wasn’t good, there were times I put all of my energy in all of those things, just to avoid feeling anything. It wasn’t good without you. People shut me out and I avoided other people, I wasn’t good.”

“I’m so sorry TJ. I should never have left. I should have turned myself in, and you wouldn’t have been hurt – we’d be in a different place right now, but it might have gone easier for both of us.”

“We can’t know that. Things could be worse, but we both know that what’s done is done, you’re back, you’re free, and it’s almost Christmas. You know, to avoid resenting my family and Steve, I spent a lot of time thinking about the Christmas performance, I made the set list thinking of you. I even had it recorded, because no matter when you came home, we were going to celebrate Christmas. I wasn’t going to open a single gift and we were going to do it together.”

“I made it home in time. You don’t have to wait. If it means that much to you, I’ll go to the Christmas party.”

“Bucky, just _having you_ means that much to me. The parties are just… they happen every year. We can blow it off if you want. The Dome is closing for one night to throw an employee party, and you’ll know Lee, Alec, Matt, and Carol, and me, of course. I’m not even going to bother subjecting you to the Whitehouse party, besides, the party at The Dome is bound to be more fun.”

“I can do one party. The Dome, but I get to choose when I get to leave.”

“We’ll work out a signal, in case that’s the best you can give me at the time, and I promise, we’re out that instant. By the way, I hate to tell you this, you were sorely outed tonight between the kiss and coming home with me.”

“You’re forgetting when you welcomed me home in front of the entire place, and called me your ‘love’.”

“Oh, I’m not forgetting that.” TJ held on to Bucky’s arms where they wrapped across his chest. “I can’t forget that. You realize what it means, right?”

“It means that people will still ask the questions, because they want to hear it. I’ll answer anyone who asks. I love you, there aren’t a lot of things in my life that I’m proud of, but being loved by you – and loving you – are two things I’m very, very proud of. I’m bisexual… and you just wanted me to say it.”

“I have to admit, it’s nice to be with someone who loves me, doesn’t think I’m ‘more invested’ than he is, and who wants me for me. Even though you’re open about your love for Steve, you’re not hiding anybody from anyone else. I’d be overjoyed to hear you say it aloud to people. It wasn’t what I was angling for. The press is going to be really crazy for a while, because of who you are, and add to that who you’re with, and what that implies. There’s going to be so much trash talk.”

“Can you take it?” Bucky asked, looking at TJ intently.

“I can. I’m used to it, can you?”

“TJ, after the mountains you've moved to prove how much you love me, it's my turn. I'm afraid you have been _more invested_ and that's on me. It's not a reason to leave you, it's a reason to step up my game. They're going to have to come at me pretty hard to make any kind of impact, and even then, I can take anything they want to throw at me. Are **you** sure? It’s not going to be your standard press. I’m an **assassin** , TJ. my past, acquitted or not, will be brought up repeatedly, in the ugliest ways.”

“I know. They’ve been fit to be tied, unable to come up with anything on me since the shooting, so they're going to dig deep. It’s going to be a circus for a bit. The security was probably two-fold. You might start to wish we were back in hiding before they’re done with us.”

“Not a chance.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple again, “I've done enough of that. As weird and unusual as today was, it was _so nice_ to walk outside with my head held high, not worrying about what might get me captured. I’m not thrilled about the security, I only gave into that for your safety, and I hope that won’t be too cumbersome, or last too long.”

“Bucky, I feel safe with you. We could absolutely call them off.”

“You’re _not_ safe with me. You were _shot_ with me. Calling off your parents’ hired security is a matter of discussion between you and your family. I agreed with them, because I never want to see you bleeding again.”

“Fine.” TJ huffed, only being dramatic for effect, “Security again.”

“I have missed your stubbornness.” Bucky laughed. Though TJ enjoyed the feel of Bucky’s laughter rocking his body, he reluctantly sat away, wanting to look at Bucky again.

“Tell me about Romania. Better still, tell me about Wakanda and Wanda Maximoff.”

“I’m not through hearing about you yet. Wakanda is pretty. So is Wanda. She’s kind, she helped me in so many ways. There really is no end to the nice things I could say about her. She talked Steve into letting her try to help.”

“You mentioned that, details?”

“I honestly don’t have any.” Bucky couldn’t stop touching TJ’s leg, or his hand, anything within reach. “Those are for the two of them to share, or not. I just know what you know. He was resistant, he felt a kinship with her, and felt responsible for her. He didn’t want her to be hurt any more than she already had been.”

“I told Steve he could be with us.” TJ said after a long silence. “I also yelled at him that he wasn’t giving us a chance.”

“Are you falling in love with Steve, TJ?”

“Hasn’t everyone? No, he is a very good friend. I have very few of those. I don’t know, I could share you with him, I think.”

“I don’t want to be shared.” Bucky said without hesitation.

“You say that now.” TJ closed his eyes and took a deep breath, gripping both of Bucky’s hands in his. He scooted forward and leaned in to kiss Bucky, savoring his warmth, and the closeness. “I’m open-minded, and I’d rather share you than lose you. You never gave him a chance to explore his feelings. It really isn’t fair to drop a bomb like that when you’ve already demonstrated how much you love someone else, so, yeah. In the interest of fairness to you both, I’m willing to have an open mind and an open heart.”

“You just like to complicate things.” Bucky chuckled, “Because the gay son of two presidents isn’t complicated enough, you think you’ve fallen in love with an ex-assassin who’s still in love with his childhood friend. Steve and I talked. As you said, we’re very good friends. He’s been incredibly supportive.”

“You are, and I know he has been. Was he certain that’s how he wanted things? Are you?” TJ leaned back on his arm, looking at Bucky intently, still absorbing that today, he was here, even though this morning he was still ‘gone’. “You know, I don’t try to make things complicated, however, complicated _is_ much less boring than the simple life.”

Bucky laughed at the face TJ made, “As far as I know, he was crystal clear sweetheart. I was relieved, because once again, I could only think about you. Do me a favor? Let’s try simple for a while, so I can see what that’s like? I’m pretty sure complicated can take a long, long vacation. Simple sounds so nice. Celebrating Christmas with you, buying a condo, enjoying a couple of rescued dogs. Simple… TJ… simple sounds _so nice_.”

“Don’t rule it out, it doesn’t have to be complicated.” TJ said, still worried about how they could possibly have resolved a lifetime of emotions in a couple of weeks, “Ok, so who’s fixing breakfast?”

“Both of us, of course. Come back here.” Bucky reached for TJ, brushing his shoulder with the tips of his fingers.

“I can’t stop looking at you.” TJ scooted closer, touching Bucky’s chest, laying his palm flat just above his heart. “I want so much. I want to hold you, I want to be held, and I just want to stare at you.”

“Lie down.” Bucky swiftly transitioned from seated to laying between the sheets, he rested his head on his arm, reaching for TJ with his new metal arm, “Come here, we’ll do all of the above.”

TJ scrambled to snuggle close to Bucky, their arms and legs tangling around one another. He found himself nose to nose with Bucky, and grinned, “You’re real. You’re here and you're real, and if I go to sleep, you’ll be here in the morning.”

“Yes. I will absolutely be here. You’ve always trusted me, trust me now. Close your eyes, TJ. I promise, you’ll wake up and I’ll be somewhere in this apartment, unless those two make me take them out. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be out on the balcony, not afraid to peer through the curtains, but actually standing out there, looking across our city.”

“It’s cold outside.” Bucky could hear the sleep in TJ’s voice, he kissed his cheek lightly.

“I’ll come inside, I’ll use you to warm up.”

“I see why you came back. You got all chilly and needed your body warmer, and your furry foot warmer.” TJ teased, smiling, even though tears threatened. Just the thought, the image of Bucky freely stepping outside, like those days on the beach, but anytime, anywhere, made him feel warm enough to keep Bucky warm for a lifetime.

“Yeah, that’s it.” Bucky said quietly, “I did get pretty cold.”

“I am volunteering, by the way, to be your body warmer. You’ll have all the soft warm things you could possibly want, and I’ll pile on top of it all, to keep you in place.”

“Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“I can’t help it. I’m tired, but I’m not. I’ve got energy to spare and the only thing keeping me from bouncing around the room, is the desire to be held, and to hold you. Will this sense of urgency end? I don’t want to _not_ be with you, but I don’t want to be a clingy nuisance.”

“TJ, it’s been maybe two hours we’ve been alone. You’re entitled to be a little clingy, and warm, and even a little needy. You're also tired, even if you've got the nervous energy. Rest sweetheart.”

“Two hours. Right. Ok.” TJ said, considering Bucky’s words. “Remember when we made a list?”

“Of course, it _was_ my idea, and your grandmother was keen to let me know the whole time leading up to tonight that this was on my list so just be quiet and toe the line.”

“She would. I’ve been adding to the list. I know I mentioned Grandpa Hammond’s farm and it’s on the list already, but that’s where we’re having Christmas. I planned to deck the place out for the holidays, even if it was July.”

“Well,” Bucky touched TJ’s face for possibly the thousandth time, “now, July will be for fireworks as it should be, and we’re really going to the farm for Christmas?”

“It’ll be even better, it’s winter, it will be _magical_. It’s going to be perfect. You’ll see the good side of snow, you’ll be warm and happy. Wait, what if fireworks – yeah, I know it’s not July yet – what if you have the same reaction as you did thunder?”

“I hope I have that tamed a little. Wanda worked a bit on that with me, too. It was kind of a test run, there were storms the first week I was awake, and it was her idea to help make me more comfortable with the whole process of being in my head. We’ll see, I guess. God TJ. Just being here with you.” Bucky breathed, pressing his forehead to TJ’s, “You’re solid, and warm, and you smell wonderful. It’s not a dream.”

For what must have been the hundredth time, they both had tears in their eyes. Bucky had to look away, he was so overwhelmed. TJ put his hand gently on Bucky’s cheek, allowing Bucky as long as he needed.

“I know. I feel the same.” TJ’s voice was soft, “I was such a goner, I kept sniffing your clothes. Don’t laugh. I started to worry alternatively, was I losing it? Was the smell disappearing? I honestly didn’t care if I _was_ losing it. I wanted that scent, I wanted you.”

“Yeah, you’re right, you were a goner. So weird.” Bucky sighed. “I just did things like linger in the vicinity of a bakery, remembering the day we baked bread. I spent time on the shore in Izmir, just hoping to find that same beach air smell. I’m nowhere near as weird as you. Oh, wait. I didn’t have anything of yours, I took off too quickly to think, at the apartment, to grab one of your shirts. I did beat myself up over that a time or two.”

“You have free rein of my closet now,” TJ rolled onto his back, sighing. “I’m so relieved.”

Bucky put his hand on TJ’s chest, feeling the rise and fall, and the steady beat, “I’m not sure I’m ready for you to be that far away.” Bucky grinned when TJ turned his head to look at him.

“Hey, you wanna go out and do something reckless?”

“Such as?” Bucky asked hesitantly.

“I don’t know. I just feel…”

“TJ, how about you kiss me again, and see what kind of reckless activities we can get up to without leaving the warmth of the apartment.”

TJ’s fingers traced Bucky’s hand, “You said…”

“I didn’t want to rush. Not right then. I didn’t mean take weeks to get used to the idea, behaving all virginal, and terrified. Been there, done that. I meant, let’s talk, wind down a little.” Bucky’s hand dipped under the hem of TJ’s sweatshirt, and his palm and fingers spread over the warm skin as he moved his hand back up toward TJ’s nipple. “Whaddya say?”

“You really want to know?”

Bucky laughed, “You’re just bursting to respond, don’t hold back love.”

TJ joined Bucky’s laughter, filled with joy and energy he couldn’t contain. As his laughter mellowed he looked at Bucky with a hungry gaze, “You warm enough now to get out of that shirt?”

“Yeah, you?” Bucky asked, as he sat up, yanking the thick fleece over his head. TJ scooted up to do the same, not taking his eyes off Bucky’s body.

Bucky watched TJ shed his hoodie, and saw the puckered, pink skin on his side. Bucky dropped his hand to TJ’s scar, touching it reverently, “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” TJ said softly, taking Bucky’s hand and lifting it from his skin, “Don’t do that to yourself, I’m ok. I won’t let you touch it again if you go somewhere dark over it.”

“I won’t.” Bucky moved his fingers back to the spot, “It was just the first time I saw it. It just shouldn’t be there, and I need to get used to it. Do you ever have pains?”

“Not so much anymore. Sometimes, just thinking about the last time I saw you makes me think I might feel a twinge. Sometimes the scar itches though.”

“Other than watching you come home,” Bucky moved his finger along the scar, and then down TJ’s waist, under the waistband of his sweatpants, “The last time I saw you, you were bleeding all over that sweater we both loved.”

“Don’t.” TJ reached for Bucky, caressing his cheek, “Don’t go there, and don’t think about it anymore. I must be out of practice, I’m clearly not distracting you enough.”

“Overwhelmed. Sorry. I worried so often, I just need to see, just absorb that you’re ok. Like you needed to take time to believe I’m here.” Bucky leaned over, causing TJ to shudder when he brushed the scar faintly with his lips.

“God Bucky.” TJ groaned. “I’ve missed your mouth.”

“I’ve got you TJ. Don’t worry.” Bucky said gruffly, as he peppered kisses along TJ’s bared hip.

TJ started shimmying out of his sweatpants, tugging them down over his ass, exposing his arousal and kicking them free under the covers, in hurried, abrupt movements. He shoved them over the edge with one foot. “Eddie, Dom, crates.”

The dogs looked up from their resting spots at the foot of the bed, Eddie went first, seeking his bed without hesitation. Dom stayed on the bed with his head resting on his paws. “Dom. Crate pal.” Bucky commanded with a soft laugh, Dom followed Eddie at Bucky’s order. “Good man, Dom.”

TJ pulled Bucky to him, kissing him urgently. “Jesus I’m so glad you’re home. Distract me Bucky.”

“I’m doing my best.” Bucky chuckled into one of TJ’s kisses, gripping TJ’s ass with the right hand, and teasing his nipple with the left. “You’re so beautiful TJ. I’ve missed touching you, kissing you. Looking at you.”

TJ listened to every word, cataloguing, cherishing each, realizing just how much Bucky must have missed him as well. “You’re my Ohana Bucky.”

Bucky buried his face in the crook of TJ’s throat, overwhelmed. TJ waited, allowing Bucky to adjust to the emotions. Realizing that to some extent, they were back where they’d started. Bucky processing his emotions, so many and so quickly, must be difficult. He cradled Bucky’s head, crooning random terms of endearment as Bucky held onto him.

“I’m ok.” Bucky eventually whispered.

“You are? We have all the time in the world, baby.” TJ smiled over the top of Bucky’s head, “all of the time, I promise.”

…

TJ woke to see the other side of his bed empty. Rumpled but empty. Instead of panicking, he remembered the promise, smiled, and got up from the bed. He pulled his fleece pants and shirt on, and grabbed the big down comforter off the bed. He let it drag behind him as he shuffled tiredly to the balcony door. As he opened the door, he watched Bucky as he looked out over the neighborhood. TJ knew Bucky heard him, but Bucky didn’t turn. TJ’s toes were cold on the tile balcony as he stepped next to Bucky and draped the comforter over his shoulder. “Morning.”

“Good morning.” Bucky leaned into TJ, “Did you panic?”

“Nope.” TJ set his head on Bucky’s shoulder, “Did you sleep well?”

Bucky slipped his arm around TJ’s waist, gathering him closer, the two of them standing at the rail, under the cover of the soft, warm comforter. “I did. Having you with me, sleeping on so much luxury. I didn’t realize how much I missed all of it. Look TJ.”

TJ looked off in the direction Bucky nodded, it was unclear exactly which point he was following, or if it was just the moment, the ability to do exactly this. TJ was willing to bet it was all of the above, “Yup, December in DC. Are you ready to pack up for a couple of weeks? Once the shows are done… You’ve been on the go so much, if you don’t want to…”

“TJ, I want to. I’ve wanted to see your sanctuary. Any place that gives you that much peace just mentioning it, is someplace I want to visit. It sounds amazing at Christmas too.”

“About last night…” TJ started, then hesitated, fidgeting with the comforter in one hand, and sliding his free arm around Bucky.

“Anything TJ. Did I do something wrong?”

“No. No, hell no. I was… I… I wanted to talk about when I said you’re my Ohana. I held onto those words while you were gone, I hope it wasn’t too much for you last night.”

“It was a lot, but in the best way. That phrase, that simple story, was the subject of dreams and tears for months. It’s all still so much, TJ.”

TJ choked up, but didn’t want to be the one with erratic emotions, so to take a minute with his own, he unwrapped from under the cover of the shared comforter, tucking it around Bucky’s shoulder before stepping back into the bedroom. He wiped tears away as he pulled a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from a box on the dresser. TJ returned to the cool air, and stood next to Bucky, lighting a cigarette. With one hand he took the corner of the comforter from Bucky’s grasp and slid under it’s warm cover again after handing the smoke to Bucky.

“I’m sorry. The next few weeks are bound to be even more emotional. I promise, though, that the farm’s quiet. We’ll have time before the family converges over the course of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I’ll see to it that we’re alone to work on things.”

“How are you holding up?” Bucky asked, rolling the cigarette between his fingers.

“I’m happy you're home. You’re right, it is a lot, and I can’t promise I won’t proclaim just how much I love you when the press pokes a microphone in my face, but I’ll try to contain myself.”

“I see the security force is still hard at work keeping them at bay on the edges of the complex. One good zoom lens and we’re on covers everywhere.”

“I don’t care. Do you?”

“I said I didn't and I still don’t. I’m glad I can show my face, even if it’s a little unnerving thinking about the exposure. I’m happy to be seen with you. I just hope you can weather the shit-storm they’ll rain down on us over my history.”

“I can handle them, remember, you’re not in love with a shrinking violet. I just hope they don’t forget about your international acquittal. I hope you can handle the stuff they’re going to poke at you with, regarding my own history.”

“I think I’m looking forward to this migration to the farm. Can we stay beyond the holiday? I mean…”

“We can stay past the exodus, yes. I think we deserve it. I can do most of my work over the internet. Speaking of work, after the holidays, after we get back, I’d like to hire you for the bar at The Dome. If you’re interested. Cy will be taking over kitchen management, and I couldn’t think of anyone better qualified to take his place. It’ll be like old home week if you say yes. Matt, Alec, and Lee would love working with you again.”

“You can stop.” Bucky brushed the back of his hand over TJ’s as he offered the smoke back, “I’d like that. If it’s not nepotism or anything.”

TJ took the cigarette, laughing, “No, it’s not. You’re qualified, you have three references just at The Dome, and I’ve seen your work. You deserve a shot, and it’s all legal.”

“TJ.” Bucky said wistfully, “I’ve missed your laugh.”

“So have a lot of people.” TJ said somberly, “I’ve either been too busy, or too distracted.”

“New mission. Give you more opportunities to laugh. You are stunning when you laugh, TJ.”

“You do realize that compliment fits you as well, don’t you?”

“I’m looking forward to finding out how that works,” Bucky allowed. “I’m ready for something so far removed from everything I’ve had to endure, with the exception of finding you.”

“I guess my mission, then, is to get you to laugh, loud and often.”

“I’m starting to think your first mission should be to come up with a way to keep me from referring to everything as a mission, so you don’t start calling everything a mission.” Bucky leaned against TJ, taking the last hit from the cigarette, “and you should really quit smoking TJ.”

“I can’t quit _everything_.”

“I promise not to smoke if you don’t. You, it will hurt. Me it won’t, but I can set a good example.”

“I make no immediate promises, but you have to know I still don’t smoke that much, it was a lot worse when you first left, but I’ve gotten too busy to think about it. I just keep a pack in the bedroom, it helps me wind down.”

“Ok, I know.” Bucky agreed, “I’m here now, to help with that too.”

TJ tugged Bucky’s hand as he heard the first ‘loose’ paparazzo that had broken past security holler out “TJ!” and pulled him into the bedroom. “We’re _not_ safe.” TJ laughed, leaning against the inside of the closed French doors.

Bucky put his hand on TJ’s shoulder, holding him against the door frame. He closed the distance and kissed TJ roughly, “We’re safe in here.”

“Bucky…”

“Shut up and kiss me TJ.”


	44. Chapter 44

The press was a nuisance, and because of it, the security was almost a blessing when Bucky had to man up and go out on his own. TJ had offered to drive him to his therapist, but Bucky wanted to make this whole step independently.

TJ might have looked concerned when Bucky declined his offer, but he didn’t look hurt, Bucky assured TJ that it was a matter of pride. What Bucky immediately discovered was that he wasn’t comfortable with so much independence, and he used to be. He used to be able to leave the house, leave TJ behind, and come home to him with a smile. Now he was forcing himself down the stairs instead of turning back and saying “please don’t make me do this alone”.

Of course this step would be heavy and large, it was the first time since Romania that he’d walked outside alone. After Berlin, he had been with Steve or Sam, in Wakanda he’d had a personal guard, court ordered while Steve was presenting his case, and for safety afterward. Here in DC he was with TJ, or had been with TJ’s family. Now, once he was outside the security zone – they were there for TJ, not for him – once he was out of the driveway, Bucky was on his own.

“How are you today Bucky?” Doctor Costin asked. He’d met with her his first day in town, gone through the whole new-patient consult, and he figured he would be able to talk to her. It didn’t make this any easier though.

“I’m still working that out.” Bucky answered honestly, his ragged nerves making him tear up, “It’s the first time in months I’ve been able to do something unattended, and the first time in so much longer that it was legal for me to do it.”

She handed him the tissue box and gave him time. Bucky tugged several tissues out, trying to settle into the idea of this emotional display.

“It’s not as easy as I thought.”

“But you did it. Was it that important for you to do it alone? You do have support, isn’t that right?”

“Yeah, I wanted to give TJ some time to himself, I wanted – he’s been so wrapped up in my return, I just wanted to give him a little space.”

“and yourself?”

“I wanted to go back inside and tell him I lied, and that I wanted him to come with me. When we first got together, we were warned our relationship was too codependent, but we got through that phase just fine.”

“A little codependence, when you’ve been so isolated, is understandable. I’m going to give you some exercises to help make sure you keep that part of your life healthy. However, I don’t want to start on that until after the holidays. You don’t want to add potential hopeless, lonely feelings during the holidays when you can be together and share happy feelings.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to tackle everything at the same time Bucky. You and TJ have been forcefully separated for months, take time for yourselves individually if possible, and spend time together. The holidays are depressing for many, so I don’t want you to make _more_ _big_ changes right now. What you’re currently doing is not hurting anyone.”

Somehow what she said made him relax in his seat.

“Has TJ been respectful of your personal space?”

“Yeah, of course. TJ has been amazing, but I don’t want it to be one sided. I’m afraid I’m not being as supportive of him.”

“Has TJ needed anything you have been unable to give him?”

“No, not that I’m aware of.”

“I’m sure you’d be aware. I’d say you’re being supportive enough Bucky. It’s not all grand gestures. Right now, you are the one who might need a little extra support, and that’s ok. There will be times when the tables will turn, and you’ll have your shot to do something more significant, but don’t discount respect, a keen ear, or shared silences. How have you two been dealing with your time apart? Are you getting reacquainted?”

“I think so, but as far as sharing, I’m afraid that’s been a little one-sided too. Things I haven’t worked through yet, I’ve asked him to wait for me to be able to talk about them, but I know I haven’t talked about other things, little things, because I don’t want to hurt him.”

“What could you tell TJ that would hurt him?”

“He was so powerful and strong while I was gone, working hard to keep from resorting to drugs or alcohol, trying to be strong. If I tell him the things I went through…” Bucky stopped, looking for words.

“Has everything TJ has confided in you been positive and upbeat?”

“No, hell no.”

“Yet you encouraged him to tell you. How did it make you feel.”

“Emotional. Sad. Responsible.”

“Are those the feelings you’re trying to spare TJ? Even though you know you’re going to experience them when you ask him to confide in you. There should be a give and take. Bucky, you don’t have to tell him everything at once, or even ever. He should understand that. Even if you have an open line of communication, there can still be things you are entitled to keep to yourselves. Again, in your own time Bucky. You can start with me, you know. I’m not going to have an emotional response or feel responsible for what you felt. My responsibility is to help you be able to move forward after what you’ve experienced.”

“You have your work cut out for you.” Bucky worried at a thread on the hem of his shirt.

“We’ll start small. Here’s an assignment you can start on this week. I want you to try to open up to TJ about one or two little things per day from while you were away. It can follow your separation chronologically, or you can approach it organically. Just share something. The catch is that I don’t want you to just share the positive. You have to mix it up.”

Bucky was still sitting in the waiting room after his appointment had concluded with Dr. Costin suggesting that he call and have TJ meet him for an outing. TJ came into the office, smiling and sat down next to Bucky.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah. I just thought this would be as good a place to meet as any.”

“How was your first in-office therapy session? No details required.” TJ covered Bucky’s fidgeting hand with his.

“I talked about how I’ve been in a one-sided relationship, and got some advice on how to stop being an ass.”

“You haven’t been an ass, even if you feel that way.”

“I’ve shut you out. I asked you to tell me all the sordid details of our separation, and have kept everything to myself.”

“That’s called self-preservation, and I figured it would come to an end when you were ready. What did you have in mind for our afternoon?”

“I wasn’t sure when I called, but I do need clothes, I mean I want things that are mine. I know you’ll borrow them, and I’ll keep stealing yours, but I thought you could help me get past the price-tag portion of clothing shopping. You know I’m used to thrift store shopping.”

“We can go thrifting.”

“See, that’s why I need to shop. You call it thrifting, I called it surviving. I want your help acclimating to normal life.”

“Bucky,” TJ knelt in front of Bucky in the empty office. “You do realize that thrift store shopping is as normal as department store shopping. They both serve a need. People who don’t typically use the thrift stores do so out of a sense of adventure, but people who prefer thrift stores, either for monetary reasons or for conservation reasons are normal. We can shop wherever you’re most comfortable.”

“I want something new.”

“Well then, your wish is my command.” TJ stood up and held a hand out to Bucky. “Are you up for driving? I’m a willing captive.”

* * *

The shopping center was an experience Bucky had never had, thrift stores were typically in older, previously used buildings, ensconced in strip malls, or other easily overlooked places. This was a full, modern mall, with a food court and so many stores that Bucky had never really considered a need for. They’d been to several clothing stores, and were carrying bags filled with jeans, sweaters, underwear, and shirts. TJ had declared a lunch break was in order, and Bucky’s stomach agreed.

They sat in the noise filled food court and TJ looked over his French fries at Bucky. “How’s the new experience?”

“A little overwhelming. When we were hurrying through the courtyard, I was getting flashes of being small, brushing past skirts and purses, rushing to something.

“Memories?”

“I think so.”

“Was it Christmastime? Maybe you were hurrying to see Santa.” TJ smiled.

Bucky laughed, “Maybe.”

TJ pondered the idea as he ate his sandwich, “Bucky, let’s go find Santa after this, and tell him our Christmas wishes.”

“I have mine already TJ.”

“Me too, but who said we couldn’t brag?”

After a considerable silence, Bucky spoke, “I think we should do it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Bucky grinned. “So, today’s appointment… I have an assignment from Dr. Costin. I have to be more open with you about our time apart, so I’m supposed to share one or two things per day.

“Has it been that hard?” TJ wanted to ask if he’d been too selfish with Bucky’s time, but he knew it was more than that, bigger than him.

“I already feel so responsible for everything, I don’t want to be responsible for making you sad.”

“I know a lot of the things you went through weren’t good. I also know there had to be little moments you made your own, you can start with those, you know.”

“I know. The assignment is balance, though. Not all good, not all bad.”

“You don’t like it?” TJ guessed, putting his hand on Bucky’s. “It’s not always going to be easy.”

“I don’t like it, but it’s not going to kill me.” Bucky smiled, “Could we do a little Christmas shopping before we leave? I think I saw something I’d like to get you.”

“You’re going to want me to make myself scarce? I guess I could find something to keep busy.”

“After Santa, if you could spare me for just a little bit, and loan me some money. Because I’m that person. I  know I have money coming, but I’m not sure when.” Bucky paused, “Come to think of it, I do have a small allowance left. I think I could probably get something nice for you.”

“Bucky, you have more than that. Didn’t you get your payout information? Douglas and Dad were talking about it, Steve had them working on getting it set it up – you just had to sign for it.”

“There was so much paperwork, I was swimming in signatures, and trying to keep up. I’m going to have to talk to your brother. I  can’t deal with your dad, he’s too…”

“I understand. He’s too much too soon. But he’ll be a great asset once you’re used to him. “Dougie’s a good choice. Talk to him. Until then, use my credit cards, you can pay them back when you’ve figured out the financial end of things.”

“I might have to do that, I hope I’ll be ok on my own. Thanks for looking out for me though. I just don’t think you should be paying for your own Christmas present.”

“But if you found something you’d like for yourself, or something you think Steve would like – we can get it to him – or you know. Your options are open, you might want to get the dogs something, or at least Eddie.”

“Or both of them. You know Dom and I _have_ hit it off.” Bucky gave TJ’s hand a squeeze and smiled.

“Ok, but that’s just me trying not to tell you what to do, while telling you to take my card.”

Bucky took TJ’s hand in both of his, caressing his fingers, “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, TJ. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Then definitely take my card.” TJ teased, refusing to let tears, even happy ones, escape today.

“Come on then, let’s go find the Santa line. The things I do for you.” Bucky stood up, and took the tray, realizing he was standing in the middle of a shopping mall, no mayhem, a couple of discreet security guards, in plain clothes, not two tables away. It was weird, and it was kind of wonderful.

“You ok?” TJ asked when Bucky paused with the tray a few inches from the table.

“Yeah.” Bucky smiled warmly, “yes, I am.”

“Ok, so what gives?” TJ asked, standing beside Bucky.

“This might not seem like anything to you, but bear with me. I’m in a shopping mall, not making trouble, not hiding my face, shopping at Christmastime. I’ve just had an unhealthy lunch with my boyfriend, and the only people actually watching, because even the curious are in a hurry to do their shopping, are the guards keeping an eye on you.”

“That sounds like a very good thing.” TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky. “Keep that in mind.” He added, kissing Bucky’s cheek.

“I will, thank you very much.”

They found the line for Santa and surprisingly, it wasn’t terribly long. TJ registered the attention they were getting as equal parts curiosity, and recognition, with a healthy dusting of homophobia. Someone behind them was grumbling about “pedophiles” a horrible assumption ignorant people made about gay men. Those prudish people would be surprised to find out their pedophiles were traditionally straight men with a sick problem. TJ would hold back from educating them in a crowded shopping mall though.

Bucky stood next to TJ wondering what was going through his mind. All he wanted to do was take TJ’s hand, a show of strength, and a touching gesture, not to mention he _felt_ too far from TJ right now anyway. He wasn’t sure if TJ wanted to deal with any outbursts in addition to the harsh words stage whispered behind them. He was almost convinced there would be one if he did reach out. Bucky looked down at his hands as they both gripped the shopping bag handles and made a decision. He put his hand gently on TJ’s arm, sliding it down from his bicep, over his elbow, and took TJ’s hand in his.

“We don’t have to, if it’s making you uncomfortable.” TJ said quietly.

“No, short of being escorted out of this line, which had better have a damned good reason, we’re not leaving. There are other adults taking pictures with this Mall Santa. We’re not offensive in any way, nor are we endangering anyone.”

“Unless somebody really starts making complaints, and a lot of noise, they won’t ask me to leave the line. It would be shitty publicity for this mall, and honestly, I’d find a way to pad that publicity. Nobody makes you uncomfortable if I can help it.” TJ swore, protectively.

“I was worried about you.” Bucky argued. “I’m fine. I didn’t know if you’d want me to reach out.”

“In the interest of getting through this line without any raised voices behind us, I’m going to refrain from kissing you until after our photo. But you’ve been warned.” TJ squeezed Bucky’s hand and smiled.

The line progressed and they were next up. The ‘elf’ at the front of the line smiled apologetically, knowing what they’d endured. They were escorted to Santa’s couch, and the elf suggested they sit on either side of Santa, and camp it up a bit. Santa laughed, a genuine Santa Claus “ho, ho, ho”, when TJ decided to ask “Would you be uncomfortable with a fake cheek kiss?”

“How about two?” Santa said jovially.

Bucky looked at TJ’s sparkling grin, trouble brewing under the surface, and laughed. “Two it is.”

They both sat next to Santa in different positions, TJ was seated directly next to Santa’s leg, and he set his hand on Santa’s arm, and Bucky put one knee on the sofa, leaning into Santa. They both posed as though they were kissing Santa, his real beard tickling their lips. The photographer elf grinned when she gave them their photo pickup number, and the exit elf – different from the entrance elf – escorted them to the gate and directed them around for their pictures.

They giggled at the pictures, one of pre-smooch and one during, “I am so glad you played along Bucky.”

“I still know how to have fun. You warned me about something. I’m trying to remember what that was.”

TJ dropped the pictures into one of the bags before putting his hands on either side of Bucky’s face. He swiped his thumbs over Bucky’s cheekbones, “You remember exactly what I warned you about. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Bucky smiled. TJ’s kiss caught the corner of Bucky’s smile before Bucky engaged and returned the kiss. “I love you TJ. I’ll happily kiss you, anywhere.”

“Bucky, that was so sweet.” TJ teased.

“Watch it, I still have to shop for your Christmas gift. Don’t try to dodge the security, you got that?”

“You’re such a _dad_.” TJ moaned. “I guess I’ll take Bert and Ernie and go entertain myself.”

Bucky looked at TJ, thinking… “The Muppets right?”

“Sesame Street to be precise. Kid’s educational television, but yeah, Muppets.” TJ smiled. “You’re upping your pop culture game.”

“Some things seep in and stay. I can’t say I’m familiar with them other than a vague visual.”

“We’re rectifying that. You have to be familiar with Bert and Ernie.” TJ declared before kissing Bucky quickly again, “Go, shop. Have fun. Spend money. I’m going to.”

Bucky found that spending money wasn’t as easy as he’d thought. When he went back to the store that had what he’d imagined getting TJ for Christmas. He was hounded by thoughts that TJ had everything he could need and what was special about this version? Nothing special came from a shopping center. Bucky wasn’t in the habit of shopping, or gift-giving. He left the store with nothing but the bags he was already carrying.

He found himself wandering, looking up at store names, a lost, disinterested feeling overwhelmed him. The more he walked past brightly colored faux windows, listening to upbeat Christmas music, the worse it got.

He finally wandered to a bench and sat down, putting his bags around his feet, and buried his head in his hands. He closed his eyes, pressing his palms against his eyelids. Nothing was good enough to show TJ how special he was.

Bucky didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there, when he heard TJ’s cautious voice in front of him. “Bucky? Is everything ok?”

“Sure.” Bucky said through his hands. “Just peachy.”

“Did something trigger an episode?”

“No. Well, maybe, but not like that. I just… I blew it TJ.” Bucky looked up from his hands, “I couldn’t do it.”

“Do what?” TJ knelt in front of Bucky, shoving bags aside, and put his hands on Bucky’s knees.

“I can’t even buy you a stinking gift. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do something without making a big deal out of it?”

“I don’t need anything, it’s ok.” TJ’s smile was sad.

“That’s the problem, you don’t need anything. You have everything you could want, and…” Bucky sighed. “This was a mistake.”

“No, it wasn’t. Look at what we did accomplish. These bags are full of things you shopped for. You got past that hurdle. Whatever it is keeping you from getting over this one, I say it’s time for a break from Christmas madness. Do you think the dogs would enjoy a walk to the dog park?”

“It doesn’t solve anything TJ. I still have nothing, not one little thing to give you, you’ll have no package wrapped in shiny paper with a bow on it from me, and I hate that.”

“We’ll get there. There are more days that we’ll be here in the city, and we’ll have time while we’re in the country, and more places between here and there. Take some time and think about what you’d like to put inside the shiny paper. Do you need to call your therapist?

“No, it’s not… no.” Bucky sat up straight, looked at TJ’s eager face, “I love you too much, you know that?”

“I know. I feel the same way. Come on, let’s go home.” TJ offered a hand, and waited as Bucky considered it.

Bucky took TJ’s hand and pulled him close, “I’m sorry, I’m going to fail you so many more times, you should really reconsider everything TJ.”

“Bucky, I _never_ want to hear you talk about failing me. You can’t fail me. You’ve overcome so much and to have you with me, I would go a lifetime of Christmases without presents. I’ve done my time without you, so reconsidering isn’t an option. You wake me with breakfast, you spring flowers on me unexpectedly, you drag me away from the piano and put me to bed, those are the real gifts Bucky. Shopping itself can be a chore and you’ve accomplished a big chore today. Shopping for a gift for someone, if you don’t have a thing in mind is more than a chore, it can be debilitating. For anybody. You make it into a huge task because you try to put every bit of emotion you feel for the person into a _thing_. Failing to do that isn’t failing anyone.” TJ pulled away from the hug and grinned, “You _could_ buy me a frame for my Santa pictures.”

“Thank you baby.” Bucky offered a faint smile, laying his hand on TJ’s cheek. “I guess we can try again another time. You’re right, look at the damage we’ve done.”

* * *

TJ kept checking his phone. Three days after Bucky's aborted Christmas Shopping attempt, Bucky had declared that he was going to go shopping for his Christmas present, alone, after his therapy appointment. TJ sent him off with explicit instructions to call or text for any reason, “do I like red? Text me if you want to know which shade. Do I hate wool socks? Text me. If you find yourself overwhelmed Call Me.”

“I know, I know. You’re making fun of me at this point.” Bucky had teased on his way out the door.

TJ hadn’t been teasing, making light of his offer to be there, yes, teasing Bucky and his reaction to his new freedoms, not so much.

The day progressed with TJ trying not to act like a mother who had sent her child off to kindergarten. No word didn’t mean another break sitting in the middle of a shopping center somewhere, it could mean inspired shopping, or a long leisurely lunch. He kept busy wrapping gifts for his family, he’d considered returning half of the gifts he’d accumulated for Bucky, but decided against it. He would play it down, and he would make sure that Bucky knew it had been  a way to feel connected while he was gone, and honestly, a huge dose of retail therapy.

Bucky had called Margaret. He asked her if there was any way he could spend some time with her, and maybe bounce some ideas off her. She was thrilled, and invited him to her home. “You can pick up your belongings too.” She’d teased. When he got there, she greeted him with a warm smile, and asked him if she could hug him.

“I’d like that. Really.” He replied, accepting her warmth, and returning her hug. “I am lost for a gift for TJ. I know that just like everything else, he’s going overboard with Christmas plans and I haven’t found a single thing to give him.”

“You’re overthinking things. I’ll bet the two of you have had enough experiences together that you can think of a sentimental gift. That’s where you’re struggling, right? Not with the quantity, but the sentiment.”

“I suppose. You might be right.”

“Honey, I’m right. Come and join me for lunch. We’ll see if we can make a short list for you.”

Bucky followed the spirited grandmother of his boyfriend, noticing more about her home than he had on that nervous afternoon. The place was truly decked out for Christmas. He felt kind of sad that TJ’s – that their apartment – wasn’t as festive.

“I could start with decorating the apartment.” Bucky said quietly.

“Oh no, don’t do that. I’ll tell you why. TJ will want to help, so don’t do it for him, and you’re leaving in a few days. Wait and see what he has in store for you at the farm. I’m sure decorating is something he’s been thinking about doing, and sharing with you.”

Margaret, prepared from the minute he called, had lunch delivered. She invited Bucky to sit.

“Thank you, you didn’t have to do this, I should have offered to bring something.” Bucky sat, looking around the plentiful table and his plate filled with colorful food.

“Nonsense. You’ll just have to invite me over one of these days. No more keeping my grandson to yourself, now that you’re not some _mystery someone_.”

“Consider it a deal.” Bucky smiled, “This looks fantastic.”

“It better be, they don’t want to lose my business. So, what hideous ideas have you shot down in your search for a gift for TJ?”

“I see things I think he’ll like, but I know he has something like it.”

“Honey, that’s the way it is. We have things, and we use them. Even if we have more than one.”

“TJ said it’s because I’m trying to fit my feelings into an item, and he’s right. Nothing _feels special_ enough.”

“You really are gone over him.” Margaret said with a grin, “You’ve considered the cliché gifts, a watch, the time theme…”

“It crossed my mind, do you know how many watches he has? Do you know how many watches he uses?”

“So, you’ve never given him a gift before?”

“I baked him a cake, I’ve made dinner, and bought him flowers. He’s bought me apartment things, I wanted to eat at a table, he made it happen, the floor was cold, he bought rugs. He’s thoughtful and perfect, and I’m flawed.”

“You’re hopeless.” She agreed, sarcastically. “I’m going to say something that might not be popular outside these doors. It’s clear you two are in love. Have you considered buying him a ring? and proposing to him?”

“He… No. One time, the subject came up, but it wasn’t time. It hasn’t come up again, so it’s still not…”

“It hasn’t come up again because you’re home just a few days. It happened so close to when you left, and you’ve only been back a short while. Don’t discount his being thoughtful for not being interested.”

“of course, you’re right. Would that be the right thing to do though? What if it’s putting him on the spot or…”

“You can propose privately, you should do so. Bucky, if this isn’t what you want, if you have reservations, don’t do it. I thought maybe you two were closer to this step…”

“I am, no, I’m sure we are. I guess I just didn’t want to take something away from TJ. I… this is all so difficult. I love your grandson so much.”

“I could tell you  not to make a big deal out of your first Christmas gift, because you should set the bar low, so you don’t have to try to top something really big the first time out. I don’t suppose you’d like to hear that, would you?”

“I just did. It makes sense, but you know what else makes sense?” Bucky the first took a bite from his plate, waiting.

“Marrying my grandson?” Margaret smiled. "I don't know why I can't  seem to let it go, maybe I'm just an old romantic."

“I want that more than I want anything. Maybe that’s my problem, it’s a selfish gift.”

“I don't want to be cliche, but they say the best gift is one you want for yourself."

“I'm not sure that's what "they" meant. I thought for sure, that you’d be against my being with TJ.”

“Because of your past? Or his?”

“either?”

“You listen to me James Buchanan Barnes. Just because your past was made by monsters, doesn’t make you one. You’re the one thing that has ignited the spark behind those eyes for the first time in at least half as long as he’s been alive. I saw it that first day, and I saw it flicker and falter every time he thought his fight was futile, but it never went out. I would give anything, pay anything to see that light return to my grandson’s life permanently. He feels as though he finally belongs. He’s receiving the love and the respect that nobody else could give him. You showed him that he was worth fighting for, something that even I couldn’t do.”

“I don’t know how.”

“You cared. You said your piece, you made him think about how he needed to move forward. You loved him and showed him how to love himself.”

“He’s the most loving person I’ve ever known, he should definitely include himself in whom to love.”

“I don’t know a lot of people who see TJ for who he is quite like you do. If you consider my idea, just know, you have my support and my blessing.”

“I have a feeling that’s more important to TJ than anyone else’s blessing.”

“Maybe you’re right. He might also need your good friend Steve’s blessing, because he seems to think there’s something unresolved between you two. Is there?”

“There’s a lot that’s unresolved between us, but nothing that will threaten my relationship with TJ. We used to be a lot closer, we were torn apart, and we’ve both grown into different people. We need to find out how our dynamic works now, but Steve knows how I feel about TJ, and he and I are working on rebuilding our friendship.”

“TJ mentioned other feelings.”

“I told him I loved him, I’ve loved him since we were kids. Things between us will never be like they are between TJ and me. It’s just _different_.”

“I understand, but I’m old enough to have seen and done some things. TJ is young, and he’s idealistic, and he’s got a tender heart.”

“I know that, he’s also an adult, and he and I have talked about this, and I believe what he tells me, instead of doubting he knows how he feels.” Bucky stopped, focused on eating, and considered what he said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… I don’t love being corrected, and I really don’t like when people doubt TJ.”

“You do realize that I’m looking out for him? and for you. I am happy that boy found someone who cares as much for him as you do. Loves him as you do. I’m your ally Bucky.”

“I know. You’ve been nothing but the best since I came back. If I love one of them one way, and the other in another way, is that wrong? I’m not going to betray TJ, ever. I can’t make my feelings stop, I’ll always love Steve.”

“You said that TJ knows, that’s what’s important. Do you know how TJ _feels_ about it? He’s bound to have jealous feelings, but he’s the most likely person I know to be open to it.”

“I will find out, before I ever ask the question.” Bucky assured himself, and Margaret.

* * *

Bucky felt more awkward walking into the prison facility than he had leaving, he tried to convince himself that it was because this time he was alone, but the real fact was he was walking _into_ a prison facility and not in shackles made for the likes of The Hulk.

He sat down in the clean office, completely baffled at the courtesies and favors that were being granted. All he’d done was ask TJ’s mother if she could facilitate a visit between him and Steve, and here he was.

Now he was waiting for his private visit, which he was sure was against some ten or more rules. When Steve walked in, it was all he could do to not rush him, the urge to hug him was so strong.

“I trust neither of you will make those men use those guns?” The warden asked. “Don’t make them use the guns.”

“You have my word, sir.” Steve said, trying to suppress a smile. “I know this is unorthodox, and any number of people are likely really nervous right now, but would it be ok if I hugged my friend? You’ve been searched, right Buck?”

“Yup, thoroughly.” Bucky couldn’t imagine they’d grant the favor, but he hoped they would. He _was_ surprised that it was something Steve would ask for.

The warden nodded and left the room, “just remember the guns.”

They gripped each other as though the other was about to fall from oh, a freight train, or a helicarrier. Steve cupped Bucky’s neck and held him close. Bucky’s arms tightened around Steve’s shoulders. “Tell me you’re ok.” They both said into the other’s shirts.

Bucky breathed in the sunshine that was Steve and pushed past tears to nod. “I’m good. Your turn.”

“I’m ok. It’s nothing like the place I sprung the others from. It’s almost like an apartment.”

“A tiny apartment that you can’t leave.” Bucky added, finally pulling away. “What’s the deal with the guns?”

“He wants me to think they’re live ammo, but they’re really the equivalent of an elephant tranquilizer or something. They’re guaranteed to take us out until we can be contained.” Steve chuckled, “God Buck, you look amazing.”

“You look shockingly good yourself.”

“You’re sure you’re alright?” Steve looked Bucky up and down, “Why the urgent visit?”

“I needed to talk to someone, I needed to talk to you.” Bucky breathed, “I think I’m going to propose to TJ for Christmas.”

“That sounds amazing Buck.” Steve’s smile was radiant, “Come, sit down. I know how you two feel about each other, it’s a shame I haven’t been able to see you together for myself.”

“Well, you only have yourself to blame. What are you doing to get out of here?” Bucky paced, before finally sitting in the chair across from Steve, “You’re in here without a trial, are you tapping Bud Hammond for your defense too? Will you get a trial any time soon?”

“There’ll be a hearing. You know they’re in no hurry. They’ve got their scapegoat.”

“Which is why, if you don’t talk to TJ’s dad, I will.” Bucky leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “How is it in here, really?”

“Sometimes it’s hard, being stuck in one place,” Steve pushed his hand through his hair, “being feared is the worst part of it though. The guns? He doesn’t always say that, but I always _know_. They have no other way of protecting themselves, but…”

“But they don’t need to, because you’re here voluntarily, kind of.”

“So they’re afraid of me, and I have no real way of making them not be. They’ll just think it’s a ruse. What kind of guard lets their guard down?” Steve leaned back against the back of the chair, “Hey, speaking of guards, how’s TJ handling the round-the-clock attention?”

“He keeps squawking about it. I have no authority, not that I’d give in on this. I have the convenience of telling him “take it up with your mom, you know, the president".”

“I know you were concerned about him, was he much different when you got home to him?”

“Yes, and no. He’s as supportive, attentive, and loving as ever, but he’s a lot stronger. I’m so proud of him, Steve, and I really want to thank you for saving him from going through that alone. He said he really came close that first day, and you were there for him. I know you did it for me, but thank you.”

“I told you I’d be there if he needed someone, but I didn’t do it for you. I like TJ. You’re right, he’s tender, and kind. I really didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done for me.” Steve blushed. “How angry is he with me for avoiding him?”

“He was angrier. He’s just miffed now. How did we go from asking about you to talking about TJ?”

“Truthfully, we went from talking about you proposing, to talking about me. I want to know how he is, how you two are. How did the surprise go?”

“We’re good, Steve. I had my second therapy visit today. He’s gone twice since I’ve been home, he said he’s been doing a lot more to take care of himself since you left, so thank you for that. The reunion was beautiful. In front of the entire place, he cried, I cried. We kissed.”

“I saw some of the papers. How is it for you, with the press?

“I’m relieved that TJ’s security is keeping a lot of it on the fringes, so it’s not touching us too much personally, yet. We’ve laughed at a few headlines, and it really is the worst.” Bucky laughed, “It’s a nuisance that TJ has grown up around, so I take my cues from him. The reunion really was nice, even though the way you went about it, there are things that could be better. You could be out and…”

“I know Buck. I couldn’t just keep running. I couldn’t not make the deal. One day, down the road, they’d have caught up with me, and we’d both be locked up. I made a judgment call.”

“I know.” Bucky looked at the door, “I can’t believe they’re leaving us alone, elephant guns or not.”

“You’re connected.” Steve smirked. “Now, about this proposal. What did you need from me?”

“Insight? Your blessing maybe.”

“I know you want everything for TJ, and I know as much as he bucks tradition, this is one tradition he’d embrace with both hands. What about you? Do you want to get married Bucky?”

“You know, I really do. He almost, kind of proposed not long before I had to take off, and my heart was so light, I was ready to say yes. After everything happened, I didn’t dare think, or hope.”

Steve watched Bucky process, before speaking, “Bucky, after talking to you, and telling him everything, I thought maybe that was where you were headed. I think it’s fantastic.”

“He told me you talked, he told me you said you loved me. How are you really?”

“I do Bucky, I have always loved you. You could always read me like a book, so look at me. I’m fine. There are a handful of people in my life that I truly love, and I’m very happy that two of them cherish each other the way you two do.”

“Well, you need to get out of here then, because you have to be my best man.”

“I’d be honored. I don’t know if TJ will be patient enough to wait for that.”

“Then you work harder. You moved mountains for me. I’m going to do the same, but you have to keep pushing for it too.”

“I will, there are thousands of things I wasn’t there for you for, your wedding will not be added to that list.”

“If guilt gets you there, I’ll exploit it.” Bucky teased. “So, I bought a ring. The first thing I’ve purchased with my own money. The price about killed me Steve! I had a hard enough time when I was shopping with TJ for clothes. What the hell?”

“Haven’t been in the market for jewelry for a few decades, huh?” Steve laughed, “I’m sure it was hell. You didn’t get to bring it in, did you?”

“No, it’s in my belongings at the desk. It was the first thing I was able to buy, it’s been so challenging finding a gift for him. I had lunch with his grandmother today, and she laid it out for me. My only reservation was maybe that proposing was something that TJ wanted to do, but she assured me, as much as he _would_ do it…”

“He’s the kind of person who wants to be wooed.”

“Pretty much, yeah. You do know him pretty well.” Bucky smiled. “He deserves it too. I want to be the guy he deserves. I don’t want to propose in front of everybody, I don’t want him to sit expectantly all day for a gift. Do you have any brilliant ideas?”

“Ask him ahead of time. Now that you have the big gift figured out, maybe getting something small will be easier now? That way he’ll have something to open, while knowing the real gift is the ring, and you.”

“I could do that, maybe propose while decorating the tree or something. God, I shouldn’t just be throwing all of this in your face. I hate that you’re in here, and my time’s almost up.”

“You’re not throwing anything anywhere. I’m glad you could talk to me about it. Not that long ago, we weren’t even able to talk about much of anything. I know the time’s short, but you can come back, bring TJ after he says yes.” They both stood up at the brief rap on the door, “Before you go, is there anything else you need Buck?”

“I _need_ for you not to be passive. I need to be able to be picking you up from this place, with TJ, not visiting. and I think I need to kiss you.” Bucky tenderly laid his hand on Steve’s neck, pulling him close, and gently, slowly kissed his pink lips red.

“Don’t do that. Don’t complicate things with TJ.” Steve blinked away moisture from his eyes realizing the visit was really over, “Oh God, I don’t want to go back.”

“Then you’re going to stop being passive, that’s good.” Bucky stood firm, offering strength, “We’ll come back soon, I promise. We’ll bring reinforcements.”

“I’d like that. Seriously Bucky, if TJ gets upset, tell him it was my fault.”

“TJ won’t get upset that I came without him. He’ll be glad I came.”

“What about the kiss?"

“I’ll tell him I kissed you. I’m not ashamed, and I’ll tell him that I needed to see you. It’s the truth. I’ll tell him the real reason I came after I propose.”

“ _If_ he says yes, after telling him we kissed, _again_. I’m not sure how the kiss will be received Buck. If you have to, lay that one on me too.”

“He’ll be fine Steve, don’t worry. There’s no blame to be had.”

Bucky watched Steve signal the guards, thoughts swirling in his head, the right things to do, and what would be wrong. The urge to bust him out had to be actively tamped down even as he continued to calculate exactly what he’d have to do to incapacitate the contingency of guards.

“Don’t do it.” Steve said, reading his mind, or just knowing him too well.

“I’m not. Doesn’t mean the thoughts aren’t there.” Bucky pulled Steve into his arms, holding him tightly. “Don’t be passive Steve. I guarantee we’re not going to be.”

“Make sure that nothing that happened here ruins what you have with TJ. Remember, you can tell him it was my fault.”

“You’re shortchanging TJ. He’s…”

“He’s in love with you.”

“Which is why everything will be ok. I’ll let you know how it goes. Remember what I said.”

“I will. God I love you Buck.” Steve couldn’t leave it unsaid, he’d done so one or ten thousand too many times. Time kept showing that waiting was a terrible idea. “You take care of yourself and TJ.”

“I love you too Steve. You know what to do.”

Bucky watched them take Steve out, saw the movement on the other side of the door as they shackled his arms again. He needed to get Steve out of here. But he couldn’t entertain the illegal thoughts he’d been having moments ago.

Bucky left the facility feeling mixed emotions. He was actually in love with two people. He knew that, all three of them knew it. He also knew that he wanted to make the home he and TJ had pretended to have, and were starting to have again, a permanent fixture. He got into the car that brought him here, knowing that over Christmas, he’d propose to TJ with Steve’s blessing.

* * *

TJ smiled when he heard the key in the lock. A whole day of wondering how Bucky had fared, and not checking in with him, and TJ could admit he was a little anxious. The soft look he got when Bucky let himself in was worth the entire thing. “Hey, how’d it go?”

“Success. I think. I figured out what I wanted to get you for Christmas. I had to enlist help, because I was completely lost, I know, I’ve been making a big deal of it, and maybe your grandmother’s right. I should set the bar low, and I need to talk to you, because you’re gonna be mad.” Bucky said, putting his hands on TJ’s shoulders, and rubbing up to his neck, as he kissed the side of TJ’s head.

“You went way overboard, and maxed out my card.” TJ smiled, trying to turn to see Bucky but not wanting to interrupt the massage.

“I went to see Steve.” Bucky felt the muscles in TJ’s neck tense, “I’m sorry I didn’t wait and have you come with me, I really needed to see him. It was important.”

TJ brought his hands up to cover Bucky’s, “You went to a prison facility, alone? Were you ok?”

“That’s why you’re stressed? I thought…”

“I’d like to go see him, but Bucky, I don’t have to go with you every, or any time you go. The two of you deserve time together. I’m so glad you’ve given him a chance. You know I support that. That hasn’t ever changed.”

“We kissed. We got special treatment because I asked your mom to help facilitate it, and I kissed him.”

“Now you can kiss me.” TJ said, turning to look at Bucky this time, smiling even though small seeds of jealousy were present. He imagined those seeds being trampled by reason, and his love for Bucky. “I have gone _all day_ without being kissed, it’s only fair.”

“You’re being frighteningly calm about this. I’m not even calm about this.”

“Why are you not calm?” TJ stood up, taking Bucky’s hand, and leading him away from the piano, “Come over to the couch, we can talk about your visit, if you’d like. You told me the biggest part, so I’m sure the rest…”

Bucky followed, sitting next to TJ on the couch, their knees bumping against one another. “I know you love him. I’m not concerned about you and Steve kissing.”

“I wanted to talk to him about your Christmas gift. I thought he’d have some insight. He did, of course.”

“As you said, sometimes it helps to talk to someone else, I know hearing “I don’t need anything” was absolutely no help. I’m glad you got to see Steve, I really do like him Bucky, I’ve told you that, probably a dozen times.”

“You’re going to have to help me out here. I told Steve I’d be telling you about the kiss, he seemed to think that I’d be upsetting you. I _know_ there’s an expectation in society…”

“Bucky, you love him, I know that, and you need him.” TJ’s heart was pounding, and his face was hot, but he needed to remain calm. “I don’t give two fucks about society’s expectations. I know you’ve had a hard time expressing your emotions, and were even denied the chance to have any, and as long as you’re not telling me you’re _leaving me_ for Steve. I mean, I’d let you go if I had to, but, I’m not trying to give you guilt or trouble here, but if you did leave, it would fuck with me.”

Bucky pulled TJ to him, “God no. Oh TJ, no. You’re never going to have to worry about that. I love you so much, I **need you too**. How do I do this? How do I tell you how important you are to me. I know that was shitty.”

TJ pulled back, so he could look Bucky in the eye, “No. It was not shitty. I don’t care what someone else might say. I don’t think it’s any worse than making out with Lee in the bar. I know you love him, and dammit, Bucky. I will defend that love forever.”

“I thought you’d be understanding, and when Steve suggested you wouldn’t be, I thought I’d blown it.”

“He’s ancient, he doesn’t know any better.” TJ smiled, wriggling closer to Bucky. “I’m just processing a little bit of jealousy.”

“I understand. When you were telling me how much you liked Steve, when you were saying and not saying things, I felt the same. It’s stupid though. He’s a part of my life, and I’m so crazy about you, and I want you to like each other. I just don’t want you to like him more than me. I love you. I absolutely love you TJ.”

“I know you do.” TJ said softly, he was touched to think that Bucky thought he'd choose Steve over Bucky. TJ sat quietly, searching for how to express himself and Bucky waited, ready to try to fix something that might need fixing, “I adore Steve. I think he looks delicious, and he’s definitely one of my better friends, although I’d rank him under Lee. He shut me out. She didn’t. So you have no worries that he’ll be preferred over you.”

Bucky settled against TJ’s side, a little roughly as he collapsed against the sofa back, “you mean the world to me TJ.” Bucky sloppily kissed TJ’s shoulder. “I’m so relieved you’re not angry with me.”

“I have a feeling you’d have to do a lot more for me to be angry. I just want you to feel loved Bucky. I want you to explore and express your feelings, and Steve’s your very special someone.”

“You’re my very special someone. Yes, he’s special to me, yes, I love him, but it’s easier to choose to be his friend. I could never choose to just be your friend TJ. That doesn’t mean he’s not important."

Bucky stopped to nuzzle TJ's neck. TJ smiled and linked his fingers with Bucky's He was startled when Bucky spoke again, "Do you want to know what the last of our discussion included?”

“How much you both want to show me how you feel about me.” TJ teased. “No, what did you and Steve discuss, Honey?”

“I was calculating what it would take to break him out, and he just looked at me, and told me “Don’t do it.”

“Fantasy thoughts of doing it, or thoughts of actually _doing it_?”

“Mostly fantasies, but I really had to make a choice even before he read me like a book.”

“I’m proud of you, for not getting arrested or killed.” TJ smiled “I love you, and I want whatever it takes to make you happy.”

“I love you TJ.” Bucky knew it was complicated, but he was even more certain that he was making the right choice. “I’ve spent most of my day talking about you, but it’s just made me miss you.”

“I’m right here. I’m all yours Bucky. Tomorrow’s my last show, and then we’re off for the farm. If you’re still up for it.”

“I wouldn’t miss either of them. Not for anything.”


	45. Chapter 45

TJ couldn’t stop grinning as the car pulled up the drive. He’d just _barely_ been able to contain the nerves, excitement, and jitters that almost had him dancing in the back seat of the black, tinted windowed SUV. They’d seen a lot of the insides of these things this past week, not new to him, and to his surprise, not new to Bucky either. “I had to get to missions somehow.” That had dampened TJ’s mood briefly that first day, but as always, Bucky knew how to tear down TJ’s walls.

The song “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” started playing, as planned, just as they turned up the drive, and though the snow wasn’t falling any more, the ground was covered in a nice thick winter coat, and there was a promise in the air for more. In the distance, the house came into view, it’s eaves and gables sparkling with fairy lights. To TJ’s delight, Bucky was peering through the car window just as a child would through a toy-store window.

TJ tightened his hands on Bucky’s left bicep, leaning into him, both to look out, and because in a week he hadn’t had enough of being close to him yet. “Welcome Home Sergeant Barnes.” TJ said quietly.

Bucky reached his right hand across to cover TJ’s hands on his arm, “Thank you TJ.” He answered through the tears that were choking him up. “You did all of this for me?” The timing of the song and the beauty of Christmas in the country weren’t lost on Bucky, he knew this wouldn’t have had the same effect in July as TJ had teased. “I’m glad you got to do it all at the right time of year.”

“Me too, but mostly because if not, I’d still be waiting, but I have you.”

“You’re right, I’m right here. Could we walk to the house? Can we stop here?”

TJ had the driver stop the car, “You can leave us here, we’ll be fine alone. You can follow in a few minutes to confirm we’re inside before you take off.”

“TJ.” Bucky whispered.

“No. We’re alone – except for the caretaker. You promised. My mother knows, I promise you, you can even check with her once we’re inside.”

“Ok.” Bucky trusted TJ to be honest with him, and he knew they’d be shadowed until they got to the house. He was secretly glad there wasn’t going to be a platoon of people following their path. Bucky climbed down from the SUV and held a hand out to assist TJ.

TJ put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, stepping down into the snow. He circled the vehicle to the rear to let the dogs out. After the long drive, the two canines were happy to skid along the snowy drive, prancing and showing off. Bucky slipped his arm around TJ’s waist and stuck his hand into the pocket on the right side of TJ’s coat. “Is this really ok?”

“What? The lack of security? Yeah, it is. Besides, I think we were all getting a little too excited to stay in the car.”

“Is it everything you expected?”

“It’s everything I _wanted_.” TJ answered, “Is it everything _you_ expected?”

“I think more. TJ, it’s beautiful here. I can see why you love it.”

“I have good memories here, and I hope you will too. Come on, there should be hot cider waiting, and we’re going to get way too chunky baking, and I’ll play Christmas music for you by request at any hour.”

“and… and you’ll slow down and just _be with me_ right? I mean _some_ quiet hours are in your innumerable plans, I hope.”

TJ laughed nervously, “I’m so sorry. I’m excited again, and I’m overwhelming you. Bucky, I just…”

Bucky stopped as the snow started to fall around them. He pulled TJ closer, wrapping both arms around his waist. “Thank you TJ. Thank you for all of this. I know you’re excited, and I really am too. I want you to be excited and I want to do everything you have planned. This last week has been a rush, with shopping, and how all of that worked out, plus your shows, and the party, I want to slow down with you now. Too much is too much, now it’s time for something else.

TJ watched the snow fall between them, and looked up to the sky with swirling flakes falling overhead.

“There’s a fireplace.” TJ breathed the cold air, enjoying how his breathing matched with Bucky’s, “We can definitely go slow, just be. I won’t play all of the music, some of it can come from the radio. I can settle down, I promise. I do remember how.”

TJ put both hands on either side of Bucky’s face, smiling at the large flakes that landed on his nose and caught in his whiskers. “I’m still getting used to having you back.”

“I know.” Bucky hooked his hands behind TJ’s neck, tempted to brush the flakes of snow from his curls, “I am too. So you said hot cider?”

TJ kissed Bucky before answering, “yes. We’re on our own for food, but the cider should be on the stove.

TJ reluctantly turned from Bucky, toward the dogs frolicking in a snowbank. “There’s more snow coming, they’re going to have a heyday.”

Bucky linked his fingers with TJ’s “So, if we’re snowed in before everyone gets a chance to come out, that would be the icing on the cake.”

“Trust me, I’ve been saying tiny little prayers to that effect, TJ laughed, squeezing Bucky’s hand before linking his arm through Bucky’s and leading him to the house. As the wind shifted direction, they picked up their pace, to get away from it blowing down their collars instead of at their backs as it had been. TJ called the dogs to him as they reached the steps.

There was a lot of boot thumping and dog paws tramping the cleared wooden porch, and the door opened, letting the scent of baking spices blow into their faces. The warmth surrounded them as they stepped inside. TJ thanked the caretaker profusely as he took his coat while TJ helped Bucky from his. Introductions were quick, and TJ led Bucky straight to the kitchen for the promised hot cider and the surprise of freshly baked cookies.

“Your mother called ahead and suggested your favorite.” TJ was informed.

“Well, then I’ll have to thank her. Thank you so much.” TJ grinned around the bite of a fresh, warm cookie. “Mm fresh too, perfect timing.”

Bucky leaned against the counter, watching TJ’s entire bearing switch. He was suddenly relaxed, and mellow, this warm smile was what he’d missed for all those weeks before and after cryo. His TJ, warmhearted and beautiful. Bucky sipped on the hot, spicy brew and waited until TJ was well into his second cookie before reaching for one.

“No, seriously, don’t let me eat them all.” TJ said, hoping to encourage Bucky.

“There’s no danger of that, I just wanted to make sure that when I reached for one, I’d have a hand left. I only have the one, none extra to spare.” Bucky winked.

“Jesus.” TJ choked on his cider.

“What? You’re not used to it yet? TJ, you’re slipping.” Bucky suppressed a chuckle.

“I’m not used to it _again_ because you decided to be part of a snow globe performance art piece for _months_.” TJ argued, “Sue me if I don’t settle in quickly to your amputee humor.”

“Snow globe.” Bucky laughed. “Yet you’re offended by ‘amputee humor’, what do I do with you?”

“Well, I’m not sure.” TJ laughed in spite of himself, “you figure it out while I call my mother and let her know we arrived.”

Bucky chanced swiping another cookie, making a show of being cautious under TJ’s watch, gaining only an eye roll. He listened as the other room bloomed with music, Christmas classics, and TJ spoke in a hurried, but loving tone with his mom. Bucky walked across the kitchen to the window, looking out at the darkened sky, the shadows of the work buildings in the near distance, and the stars peeking around soft charcoal clouds and dwindling flakes. He thought of his own mom, his sister, and Steve. Making wish lists and putting cookies out for Santa, telling stories, and belonging to something. He heard TJ approach, and put his hand over TJ’s arms when they circled his waist.

“Penny for your thoughts?” TJ asked.

“Steve. He’s going to be alone for Christmas, locked up and alone.”

“I’m still mad at him.” TJ said. “Even though everything he’s doing now is because he was able to bring you to me, I told him not to do it.”

“I know. He doesn’t listen though. I told him not to go to war, look where we are now. I promise you, you only _think_ you're still mad at him.”

“It’s all _his_ fault, huh? And yeah, I'm mad.”

“No, it’s mine. I went first, I was captured. I was turned into _this_ before he came over. Please don’t be mad at him TJ.”

“I suppose it _is_ easier to say I’m mad at him than it is to say I miss him.” TJ laid his chin on Bucky’s shoulder. “So, are you hungry? Or did your cookies spoil your appetite?”

“Never. Stolen cookies don’t count, I could definitely do with some food, it’s been a while since lunch.”

“Ok, there are cold snacks in the fridge, we’ll cook real food tomorrow. I was thinking we could roast a chicken. Should we prepare it tonight?”

“Nah, let’s do it tomorrow.” Bucky turned in TJ’s arms, “Thank you for this. I know, I can’t stop saying it.”

“It’s ok, you’re welcome. It’s more than my pleasure, I love you. I filled so many hours planning this to have something to look forward to. It was as much for me as it was for you, but to have you appreciate it so much, that really is special Bucky.”

Bucky was still getting reacquainted with being part of something again, and held onto TJ just a little longer before finally letting his arms drop to drape loosely over TJ’s hips. “Ok. Food.” Bucky replied with a faint smile. “What are the rules? Can we take our plates in the other room? Or do we eat in here?”

“We definitely can take our food anywhere in the house. I was going to suggest we sit in front of the fire. The only rule is “make yourself comfortable”.” TJ stepped away from Bucky and the sink, toward the fridge, “Oh, and the obvious ones, clean up after yourself, eat well, you know, ‘how to get along in the world’ stuff still applies. Other than that? We’re free here Bucky.”

“Ok. I just wanted to make sure. This place… TJ, it’s no wonder you feel it.” Bucky sighed. “It’s homey.”

“It is. It really is the center of all of my best memories. Let’s keep that tradition going, shall we?”

“That’s my plan.” Bucky said, as he peered inside the refrigerator.

“Good.”

 “I…” Bucky pulled out a plastic container and closed the refrigerator, and turned to see TJ grinning. “What?”

“I was just watching you. Nothing.” TJ took the container of cold finger foods from Bucky and set it on the counter.

Bucky found plates and topped off his cider mug, looking sideways at TJ a couple of times.

“Fine, I was thinking about Steve, he told me you had junk food in your kitchen. It makes me happy.”

“That tears it, our friendship is cancelled. I tried so hard to keep you healthy and he goes and ruins everything.”

TJ laughed. “I don’t think anything is cancelled. I know you’d do anything to have him here.”

“You’re right. I miss him. Yes, he really screwed up, but I’m glad he did. I’m here with you. We will have to do something about him and his situation soon. When we’re done here, what do you say, you and me, we go charge into your father’s office and get Steve home by Valentine’s day? You moved mountains for me, you think you can do the same for Steve?”

TJ smiled through a blush. “I say we have to do it. We want him home. Have I told you how happy I am that **you** are here with me?”

“Not for the last hour. I was about to say something about that.” Bucky teased.

“Ok, so I’m going overboard with how happy you make me. Before these past few days, you hadn’t heard it in months, I have a lot of making up to do. As for Steve, I say yes, we need to start sooner thought  We should start sooner, I'll start working on ole Bud Hammond when they’re here on Christmas, ok?

“TJ, have I told _you_ what a sap you are?” Bucky asked.

“I think you’ve mentioned it. I’m an emotional jerk, I get it. You knew that going in, I mean I _had been wallowing_ on my anniversary.”

“We’ll mark more anniversaries than you and that guy, and you won’t cry or be hurt on any of them, I swear.”

“Now who’s the sap?” TJ asked, his heart bursting.

“Guilty.” Bucky followed TJ to the living room where the fire was in full bloom.

“Perfection.” TJ announced, setting his plate and mug down on the hearth. He gathered pillows from the couches and blankets, spreading them in front of the fireplace. The lights were all off allowing the glow from the fire and the lights that lit the outside of the house and the trees near the yard to warm the mood. “We’re going to have to get a tree. Tomorrow maybe?”

“Tomorrow, definitely.” Bucky crossed the blankets and sat leaning against a stack of pillows. “Come sit down.”

TJ crawled across the space to sit close to Bucky. Against Bucky’s side and under his arm, he finally felt the perfection he’d prematurely declared. “I was wrong, _this_ is perfection.”

Bucky tugged a blanket to cover them both. “Is this a good spot? Are you comfortable?”

“Yes to both. I’ve planned this for so many months. It wouldn’t have been as perfect if we’d had to wait ‘til July.”

“Is July just a date you picked? Why July?”

“Well, you always hear about “Christmas in July” so I guess that just stuck.”

“Oh, ok.”

“and it was better than waiting clear until next December. I couldn’t even face that thought.” TJ said against Bucky’s chest.

“To be honest, things happened much sooner than I expected. Next December seemed a very real possibility.”

“I don’t want you to ever have to consider that as an option again. Your body’s been through that too often. If I’d have planned better, we’d be somewhere very warm right now.”

“Nonsense. Blankets and fires are just as warm. I’m fine with this kind of cold, and I promise I’ll never choose cryo again, but you have to realize what I was trying to do.”

“I know.” TJ scooted closer, gripping Bucky’s forearm, “you were forced to kill people. I ached for you, because I knew you must be suffering. I’m so, so very sorry you were put in that position again.”

Bucky resisted the instinct to pull away from TJ, to distance him from the danger and ugliness. He brought his free hand to TJ’s face, brushing his thumb over TJ’s cheek gently. “Thank you. I’ll be working with my therapist over that.”

TJ simply kissed the heel of Bucky’s hand, smiling and proud.

“I think I’m going to like her, but I know I’m going to hate some of things I’m going to have to talk about.”

“I can assure you, that’s universal.” TJ hugged Bucky, “I’m so clingy yet. You can swat me away if you need to.”

“I’m not doing any such thing, I’ve missed this.” Bucky held TJ closer.

“Will you be ok to miss therapy while we’re here?”

“I’m going to call her. She offered to do as many visits as needed over the phone, I hope you won’t mind losing 50 minutes with me every few days.”

“No, I don’t mind. I’ll find _something_ to keep me busy. I think it’s a great idea. You know I’ll support you and do anything to facilitate your remote appointments. You have your pick of rooms, so you can comfortably have your sessions privately.”

“Thank you TJ.” Bucky snuggled closer to TJ, “I’m so lucky to have someone so supportive, and so generous and kind.”

“and gone over you.” TJ teased. “I delved pretty  deeply into your past, the Hydra files, things that were leaked on the internet. I know about some of the studies, and I wanted to know what you would need coming home. I’m not just humoring you by saying I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist.”

“I wish you’d never seen those things.”

“I’m sorry if you feel violated.”

“Never by you TJ. I was thinking about you.”

“Seeing the information was painful, yeah, but I was bound and determined to get you home, I had to do something. I got lucky that Steve came around, because the more I read, the harder I knew it would be. I never saw my mother or father working with me the way they did Steve.”

“They wanted to protect you. Like I would have.”

“I’m an adult. I’m not as fragile as everyone thinks I am, I did shut people out, and I did make some of the wrong choices, but losing you was never an option. If Steve hadn’t come along, I would still be researching laws and your files, and you’d better believe I would have found someone to help you in Wakanda too. You’d be seeing my tired, old face in a few years, but I’d be there.”

“As much as your staunch defense and stubborn piggishness turns me on, I’m glad it worked out this way. I have a feeling I would be mourning the loss of the impulsive, silly, and completely loving man I fell in love with, and would be looking at a raw, embittered, and very different Thomas Hammond.”

“I’m glad too, actually. It was so easy to fall into escapist behavior as soon as Steve took over, and I did it so well, at least it was dog sports, and not chemical alteration.” TJ sighed.

They sat together quietly, the only sounds were soft breathing sounds from themselves, snoring from the dogs sleeping across the room, the crackle of the fire, and a few new sounds coming from Bucky’s arm as he stroked TJ’s arm absently. The sounds were softer, less mechanical, and TJ figured it would be pretty easy to adjust to those changes.

TJ reached for the food, balancing it on his and Bucky’s thighs. They ate and stewed in their own thoughts, they wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the other’s thoughts were an internal monologue continuing the theme. TJ thought about “Thomas Hammond” and Bucky’s ultimate reaction to someone motivated by love, terror, and injustice. He thought that “older” face would probably be a stranger to Bucky.

Bucky played out memories of the things he did recall, and tried to envision TJ witnessing them firsthand instead of reading about them. His grip on TJ’s arm tightened and he had to force the vision from his mind, “I still need the tour of the house.” He said, to distract his thoughts and break the mood that threatened. “I’ll take the basic directions from the kitchen, to the bedroom, to the bathroom for tonight, but tomorrow I want the complete tour, house, outbuildings, everything.”

“I figured you’d want to see the layout for security purposes.” TJ said, sitting away.

Bucky reached across the space, smoothing the worry lines from TJ’s brow with a soft stroke, “I was thinking more along the lines of favorite memories, where you waited for the calf to be born; maybe we can see what the sunrise has in store for us. Stuff like that. I’m pretty sure your mother has the perimeter covered, you know her security is not that far away from you TJ.”

“Ok, so you’re ceding to their prowess and letting your guard down. That’s what I’m hearing.”

“I’m going to give it my best shot. I want to live a normal life, I would like to start now, and this is a good way to ease into it.”

“If you rely on outer security, they’re always going to be there.” TJ frowned again.

“If I let them take point for now, while I adjust to freedom, real freedom, then I’ll able to relax about _your safety_ , and I will be able to adjust better in the future.”

“Ok, I know, I shouldn’t worry about it. You know what you need. I just hope we can ditch them by the time we go to Florida for the dock diving competition. I hate traveling with an entourage.”

“By February, we should be adjusting well enough TJ.” Bucky smiled. “I love you, and I will not be the reason you’re hurt again. Let me adjust. Let your mom adjust.”

“I am. Poorly, but I am.” TJ sighed. “Let’s take care of the dishes and I’ll show you the basics. If we’re really getting up before the sun, we should go to bed.”

Bucky extinguished the fire in the fireplace and picked up the pillows from the floor, tossing the blankets across the back of the chair he’d been leaning on before joining TJ in the kitchen.

“You missed all the fun.” TJ said, drying the last plate.

“I picked up in the other room.” Bucky replied. “The dogs are still asleep.”

“They’ll probably follow us up.” TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist. “I can’t stop saying “I can’t believe it”.”

Bucky smiled and closed the distance, leaning his chin on TJ’s shoulder, “I can’t believe it either, but I’m glad it’s real.”

“Mm hum. Me too.” TJ mumbled. “Let’s go up.”

TJ led Bucky up the stairs and into the master bedroom, which had its own fireplace and a large four-poster bed. They both laughed when they heard the dogs’ skittering across the hardwood floor before bounding up the stairs.

“Do you want a fire?” Bucky asked TJ.

“Yeah, would you? Is this room ok? I’ve never stayed in the master before.”

“If it’s ok with you. TJ, I just want to be where you are.” Bucky said, noticing the fireplace was already prepped for the fire. He struck a match and lit the fire, staring at the small flame as it grew, “You know, we’re going to be terribly spoiled if there are people running around fixing things before we get a chance to.”

“I think after tonight, we’re on our own. I just wanted everything set up for tonight because we were coming in after dark and I knew we’d just take things slowly.”

“Ok. I guess I won’t have to worry about being too paranoid.”

“Unnerving?” TJ asked as he turned down the blankets on the bed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I like that everything was ready to go. You thought of everything.” Bucky said, from behind TJ, pulling him close. His lips brushed TJ’s neck, “I love how much you prepared for this, you always pay attention to details, I like that about you TJ.”

TJ leaned back as Bucky nuzzled his neck. “You wanted the mini-tour?”

“Bedroom behind that door; closet; walk-out to the balcony.” Bucky gestured vaguely in each direction, kissing the tender spot beneath TJ’s ear, sucking and biting a mark into the warm spot.

TJ groaned, reaching behind to grip Bucky’s neck, molding their bodies together. He failed his attempt to resist rubbing against Bucky’s firm body. Bucky enabled his failure by rocking his hips against TJ’s bottom. TJ liked that Bucky was a little thicker than when he’d left. He loved the solid build of his boyfriend’s body. “I get to call you my “boyfriend’ publicly now, not just to Lee. I don’t have to evade people and say “I have this friend’.”

“Mmm. Yeah.” TJ felt Bucky’s breath hot on his neck, “You’re my boyfriend, you have to say it to anyone and everyone. It’s a rule.”

“We’re following rules now too. I don’t know if I can handle all the changes.” TJ linked fingers with Bucky’s left hand, still gripping his neck with his other hand as Bucky started on another mark.

Bucky’s right hand slipped between TJ’s soft cotton t-shirt and his warm, silky skin. His fingers traced the soft lines between TJ’s abdominal muscles up through the fuzzy soft hairs. He slowly withdrew the fingers of his left hand from TJ’s and slid it up to tenderly cup TJ’s pecs.

“Jesus Bucky.” TJ moaned, gripping Bucky’s hands through his shirt. The onslaught of Bucky’s hands, his firm body pressing against TJ’s entire back, and the hickeys were almost enough to do him in. When Bucky started toying with his nipples, TJ brushed his hands away gently before turning in his arms. TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky’s neck. “I can’t get enough of your mouth on me.”

“Do I get full access?” Bucky chuckled, the request was common lately, “At my leisure this time?”

“Mmmhmm.” TJ hummed into Bucky’s mouth as he claimed it in a kiss, “We’ll see if I can be patient, that doesn’t mean ‘torture TJ’.”

“No.” Bucky nipped TJ’s lip, then laughed huskily, “Torture isn’t my goal.”

TJ swiftly removed his shirt, tossing it to the floor as he tugged Bucky toward the bed. Bucky leaned forward at the edge of the bed, toppling TJ over as they kissed. He straddled TJ, kissing the last mark he’d left on TJ’s pale skin before trailing across TJ’s collarbones, leaving little kisses. Bucky peppered more soft kisses over the pink marks still visible around TJ’s nipples, before licking broad strokes across the pert peaks.

With a groan, TJ unfastened his jeans, sliding them low over his hips, before bringing his hands to tangle in Bucky’s soft waves of hair. Bucky finished divesting TJ of his pants and underwear, while teasing TJ’s nipples with his tongue, threatening them with little scratches from the edges of his teeth. Every sigh and moan echoed across TJ’s chest and rumbled over Bucky’s lips and chin.

TJ’s fingers tickled along Bucky’s neck and gripped Bucky’s thick hair. Bucky pulled against TJ’s grip, to look up into TJ’s darkened eyes. “TJ.” Bucky breathed, “I love you so much. You’re so beautiful.” Bucky chuckled as TJ’s skin pinkened and his chest heaved rapid breaths. He dropped his lips back to TJ’s torso, feeling TJ’s impatient groans vibrating over the skin of his lips, and the buds of his tongue. Bucky kissed a trail to TJ’s hip, intent on making a mark in the soft, tender flesh above his hip bone.

TJ was trying to be patient, he wanted this, all of this. He wanted everything at the same time, just like he had every minute that Bucky had been home. He failed to level out his breathing, dragging his free hand impatiently along his exposed side and rested his fingers on the heated skin near his cock. The edge of his thumb bumped along its side as he felt it twitch in response to Bucky’s multiple contact points, and his own touch.

TJ’s tongue flicked between his lips before he rolled his bottom lip between his teeth and grasped the thickened base of his erection. He lazily rolled his palm over the surface, from the base to the tip. Once, then twice, before rolling his hips and causing Bucky to look up. Their eyes met and TJ ran his tongue over his top lip before pulling the shimmering, plumpness  of his bottom lip between his teeth. Bucky’s smile was almost feral when he pulled TJ’s hand clear and licked a wide stripe up the underside of TJ’s shaft. TJ broke eye contact, closing his eyes and taking a couple of shallow breaths.

Bucky’s tongue teased the tip, his lower lip bumping against the slick skin. Bucky’s laugh blew across the wetness, cooling TJ’s skin and heating his blood. TJ’s cross glare made Bucky laugh again, “you make beautiful sounds when you’re horny TJ.”

“Fuckyou.” TJ slurred, “better yet, fuck me.”

Bucky’s lips closed around the tip, and his tongue swirled and dipped. His hand glided down to the base. TJ arched into it, pressing deeper into Bucky’s mouth. Bucky adjusted for TJ’s impatience, and pressed TJ’ hips into the bed with his palms. He pulled off and looked up at TJ’s pink cheeks, and dark eyes, “Taking my time, you promised.”

TJ rolled his head, his laugh was harsh, but his fingers loosened in Bucky’s hair, allowing him to scratch Bucky’s head lazily, “Fine.” He breathed, watching Bucky as he returned to the slow blissful torture. Bucky took his time, tenderly stroking TJ, before giving in and bringing him to his climax.

Bucky lazily crawled up TJ's body and buried his face in the crook of his neck listening to TJ’s heart as it raced and calmed. Kissing his skin as TJ’s breathing returned to normal. He waited until TJ was composed before tentatively licking the corner of TJ’s lips, he pulled away grinning when TJ nipped at his lip. TJ pouted, and Bucky surged back in, kissing TJ passionately.

“You’re in a mood.” Bucky accused playfully as he reluctantly withdrew from the kisses.

“I’m in a really good mood. That was cruel.” TJ sighed, “and wonderful.”

“You’re so confusing.” Bucky smirked, kissing TJ’s jaw. TJ’s fingers drew shapes across Bucky’s arm and chest. “Mmm keep doing that.” Bucky sighed contentedly.

TJ grinned, sitting up next to Bucky, “turn over.”

Bucky shifted on the bed, so that he was on ‘his side’ of the bed, and stretched out face down. He groaned when TJ’s fingers dug into his neck and shoulder muscles. TJ alternated between massage and gentle finger strokes over Bucky’s skin. Every so often, he’d lean forward and place a kiss here or there across Bucky’s back. “I’ve missed doing this.”

“I really, really missed this.” Bucky’s sleepy, muffled voice hit TJ’s ears. “We bonded this  way long before sex was a big deal. You made me feel human, TJ. You did that.”

TJ’s eyes pooled and the tears spilled over. He tried to keep going without wiping at his tears, but that only resorted in tears splashing on Bucky’s back.

“TJ?”

“I’m fine.” TJ answered with a thick voice. “You really know how to woo a guy.”

“I’m sorry, I was just…”

“You were being perfectly wonderful, it just hit me hard, that’s all. I’m glad someone did that for you, and I’m so proud it could be me. I could do this all night.”

“I could let you, but I’d just as soon hold you close. I’m nearly falling asleep, don’t let me do it alone.”

TJ’s tears weren’t finished, little things Bucky said still caused an ache, the plea to not let him fall asleep alone came almost every night, he doubted Bucky realized he was saying it, but each night, either teasing when TJ was brushing his teeth, or watching something on TV, he’d say something similar, “don’t make me go to sleep alone TJ.” TJ kissed the broad expanse of Bucky’s back, up into his hair, before spreading out next to Bucky. “You’re not gonna have to fall asleep alone, hold me, I’m needy.”

“I’m ok with that.” Bucky smiled pulling TJ closer. “as long as you hold me too. It’s easier waking up tangled up in you, than having you sprawled across me.”

“Right. That’s the only reason.” TJ pouted, looking Bucky in the eye. “kiss me good night.”

“Needy and demanding.” Bucky scoffed.

“Yeah. That’s me. Nothing new there.” TJ pressed his forehead to Bucky’s and squeezed his eyes shut.

At such close range, Bucky could see the glistening moisture on TJ’s lashes, “I love you sweetheart.”

“Love you too Bucky.” TJ said, opening his eyes. The close-up view of Bucky’s eyes was shocking and intoxicating.

Bucky kissed TJ sweetly, and wrapped his arms around him, TJ tangled his legs with Bucky’s and closed his eyes, letting tears fall. “You know, you keep crying when I say things, it could get really quiet around here.” Bucky teased. “I don’t like making you cry.”

“Shut up. I’m not crying, and anybody who says I am…”

“Has eyes.” Bucky interrupted, with a chuckle. “You know I’m teasing. Except for saying I don’t like making you cry. That part’s true.”

“You didn’t. I thought you’d be the one with emotional disturbances when you came home, maybe those are around the corner, maybe Wanda fixed you too well, whatever it is, I didn’t think it would be me who had so many erratic emotions.”

“I don’t think she fixed me “too well”,” Bucky smiled, wiping a tear from TJ’s cheek, “I think she did me a few favors, then again I might be repressing some things. See, I’ve seen a therapist?”

“I hope it’s the first option.” TJ smiled back, drawing shapes on Bucky’s bare chest. “Was that really all you wanted?”

“Tonight, yeah. Wake me up in any creative and sexy way you want.”

“I thought we were getting up early to watch the sun rise.”

“Oh, yeah. Ok, maybe after the sunrise.” TJ felt Bucky’s laugh resonate through him, and enjoyed the musical sound of it.

 "I love you Bucky." TJ sighed.

"I love you too TJ. Sleep sweetheart, sunrise is around the corner."


	46. Chapter 46

Bucky shivered, burrowing his face into his scarf, and the collar of his coat. He stuffed his fingers deep into the pockets of his coat and wrapped his hand around the shiny Christmas present. He was going to do it, he just wasn’t sure if he was going to get the reaction he desired. Snow sifted through the sky around them, new flurries on top of a heavy snowfall from the night before. He wasn’t as cold as he was excited. He watched as TJ surveyed the trees.

“What about this one?” TJ called through the chilly air.

Bucky made the awkward steps toward TJ through the crunchy frozen crust that topped the knee-deep snow at the tree farm. TJ’s cheeks were pink and his nose was red. Bucky resisted adjusting TJ’s scarf, instead looking up at the tree TJ seemed so excited about. “Yeah, this one looks just a little too big, and a little too fat. It’s perfect. Make sure there aren’t any little critters you’re making homeless.”

“Jackass.” TJ bumped his down-padded shoulder against Bucky’s and handed him the axe.

Bucky laughed and hefted the axe to his shoulder, “You brought me for brute labor.”

“Yeah. That I did.” TJ huffed frozen clouds of air through the snowfall. “Break time’s over.”

TJ watched as Bucky tackled chopping down the tree that he’d chosen. Bucky’s coat strained across his shoulders and back as he heaved the axe through the air and into the meat of the tree trunk repeatedly. TJ loved how beefy his boyfriend had gotten while he was gone. He was glad his body hadn’t suffered while in cryo. He shivered at the thought, a colder feeling than the air around them pricking his heart.

Bucky turned to look at TJ and TJ smiled before realizing that Bucky likely couldn’t see his smile buried in his coat collar. He pulled one hand from his pockets and tugged his collar and scarf down so that Bucky could see his grin.

“You ready? She’s coming down.” Bucky announced, “Say the word.”

“Timber!” TJ called out and then busted up laughing as his words and Bucky’s final blow echoed in the air around them. The tree toppled and landed with a ‘whoosh’ as it hit the snow and showered TJ’s face with frozen crystals.

Bucky turned to see TJ covered in fine flecks of snow and laughed, taking TJ into his arms, “You sparkle.”

“But I’m no vampire.” TJ laughed, “Oh, you have no idea, that’s good. I promise.”

“TJ?”

“It’s just a dumb story.” TJ didn’t want to get into the details of sparkling vampires. He really didn’t want to show Bucky the movies either.

“No, not that,”

“What is it Sweetheart?”

“I have a present for you, an early Christmas present.”

TJ stepped back from Bucky, curious about the hesitance in Bucky’s tone.

“Bucky save it for Christmas, I don’t want you to give it to me early.”

Bucky took TJ’s hands in his and closed the distance again. “I know, but this – it would mean more to me if you let me do it now. When we’re alone. I love you TJ. I want you to know how much I… How much I’ve loved you since the beginning. My feelings for you have only grown more, and what we have is so vital. I’m not good with this, I…” Bucky withdrew one hand and stuffed it into his pocket, steeling himself for something, TJ didn’t know what. When he removed his hand from his picket, TJ saw a small, red velvet bow with a streamer of red ribbon trailing after it.

Bucky held out the soft red bow and TJ could see that it was perched on top of a small box. “I’ve looked at dozens. There’s nothing quite like wanting the best for the best, and trying to manage it on a limited budget. I think I owe your grandmother a small fortune. TJ, I love you so much. You gave me my humanity, you made me realize that actually living my life was as much worth fighting for as being alive. I want to be surrounded by that always, I want to show you my love every day. Will you marry me?”

TJ knew there was a box, and a ring, but he couldn’t take his eye off Bucky’s lashes sparkling with snowflakes, and his eyes, eager and wide, and as silvery-gray as the sky. TJ heard the words, his heart stumbling right along with Bucky’s stuttering confession. “I love you too. So, so much Bucky.” TJ blinked away tears, and when he opened his eyes again, he saw Bucky’s glimmering metal fingers pluck the ring out of its velvet cushion. “Yes. Yes, Bucky, I will marry you.”

Bucky blushed, glad that his left hand wasn’t prone to tremors, he was relatively confident that the ring would be safe, however, if he’d tried to pick the delicate ring up with his right hand, the way he blathered through that proposal, he was sure they’d be scouring the snow beneath them. “You forgive my horrible proposal? I should have waited and let you do it. It would have been so much prettier. I just… I wanted to…”

“Bucky, I love unrehearsed declarations of love. That _wasn’t_ horrible.” TJ took Bucky’s face between his gloved hands, planting a quick kiss on his lips before gently kissing him again, “I love you. Your declarations of love are the very prettiest words. You can’t think that I’d do any better. I might be related to gifted speakers, but I’m just me.”

“When you’re _not_ your political parents’ polished son, those are my favorite moments. I love the person you are, you’re my very heart TJ.”

TJ watched as Bucky very carefully held the ring out watching TJ, waiting. TJ took his gloves off with a smile, and tucked them both into one pocket of his coat. “You really want to do this here? You're gonna risk losing it.”

“I’ve lost important things in the snow, TJ, but not this time.” Bucky smiled fondly at the blush that warmed TJ’s cheeks, pushing the bluish pink into a brighter red. “May I?”

“One knee too? In the snow?”

“No, you goof. Just the ring.” TJ watched as Bucky, laughing at him, slid the ring over his finger. The combination of gems and polished metals glistened in the sun, and the row of rainbow gems blurred due to fresh tears that burned in TJ’s eyes.

“I love it you know. Tell me you have a matching band. I’ll just have to get one for you if you don’t.” TJ slid his hand from Bucky’s and laid it on Bucky’s cheek. The band glimmered on his finger, and Bucky’s cool cheek twitched beneath his hand as Bucky smiled.

“I like yours so much that I kinda would like a matching set.” TJ saw Bucky’s blush, “I’ll just have to hold you to it, TJ.”

“You got it Baby.” TJ tugged Bucky into his arms, laughing. “It’s perfect. I love you, you dork.”

“I love you too. I’m freezing, can we get the tree back to the truck now?”

TJ kissed Bucky’s cold nose, “of course. We have to get it, and you, back to the house and warmed up.”

Bucky hoisted the larger end of the tree and let the tapered end drag a path behind them in the snow, toward the pickup. He hadn’t done this, ever. He thought back to the morning when TJ’s surprises for him had begun with TJ waking him to the wonderful aroma of pancakes, made from some Christmas spice recipe that he’d found and made while Bucky and Dom slumbered on the bed. Eddie, of course, had followed TJ, the food source. TJ had cooked a full breakfast, including homemade fruit compote. It was evident that TJ hadn’t stopped learning about cooking.

Bucky smiled at the thought. While Bucky had started to eat, TJ had gathered layers of warm clothes, and started spreading them across the foot of the bed.

“Are you moving out? Taking a vacation? What’s happening?” Bucky had asked with a mouth full of pancakes.

“We’re gonna get our tree today. You did say today.” TJ had replied, as though it were obvious you needed dozens of shirts and thermal underwear for tree shopping. “You also said we were getting up early to see the sunrise, but you couldn’t be budged. Promise me the tree thing is still a go.”

“We’re going into town? Wearing all of those clothes?” Bucky pointed at the array with his fork.

“No, we’re going to take a short drive. We’ll pick a tree and chop it down. This is _that kind of_ getting our tree. So, we’ll be trudging through the snow God’s seen fit to grace us with, and we’re going to have the freshest, most perfect tree ever.”

TJ’s enthusiasm alone had been motivation, but this news, this surprise, had Bucky scrambling to move the food tray out of the way and get up from the bed.

“Hold on, super soldier, you can finish your breakfast first.” TJ had scolded him, laughing at his excitement.

“You hardly touched yours. Dare I say I’m excited? Let me have this.” Bucky had protested, kissing TJ in a rush. “Confess, do you have a specific “Christmas List” in addition to the “Overall List of Things Bucky and TJ Must Do”?”

“I do have a specific _Christmas list_ , and breakfast was on it. Eat.” TJ laughed, kissing Bucky back, the sweet and spicy essence of fruit compote on Bucky’s breath calling him back to the food as well. “We’ll both eat.”

Between the two, they’d managed to polish off the better portion of the pancakes on Bucky’s plate before looking at each other and giggling, then scrambling to layer up for the outing.

As Bucky had layered up, he’d tucked the ring box into his deepest pocket. Once TJ had the dishes and the food put away, he’d called the dogs to follow and led Bucky to the farm pickup. TJ tossed Bucky the keys, and all he’d said before they’d started their “short drive” of roughly 70 minutes (one way) was, “I’ll navigate”.

Bucky watched as Eddie and Dom came running at TJ’s whistle, having chased each other in and out of the slalom of trees on the tree farm. They bounded around their two people, and Dom kept nipping at the tip of their tree as it dragged behind. “No.” TJ corrected, “Dom, come.”

He had to be reminded a few times because that bristly, elusive bit of conifer kept bouncing in and out of the snow, causing Dom some serious distractions. Bucky chuckled and called Dom to his side. He didn’t bother stopping as he tore a branch from the bottom of the tree where he knew he’d have to do some trimming once they got the tree back to the farm. He held the branch aloft, letting Dom leap for it once or twice before stopping and commanding him to ‘sit’. As soon as the fluffy tail and haunches hit the snow, Bucky handed the bristle-edged stick to the dog. “car” he commanded, and both dogs bounded for the pickup. “I guess car and truck can both be “car”.” Bucky mused.

“You look like a lumberjack.” TJ giggled, “Chopping down trees, tearing branches off of them with your bare hands. I’m so glad I planned this.”

“I am too. You like the lumberjack routine, huh?”

“I like that you look happy.”

“World’s happiest lumberjack, at your service.”

“Try world’s sappiest.” TJ teased, he was very impressed with Bucky’s lumberjack routine, and maybe a little turned on. “I’m not even going to insult you by asking if you need help.”

“I’ll appreciate your help in the truck, we’ll need to tie this beast down.”

“You’re not gonna say anything about being a huge sap?”

“Well, it’s a fitting pun for a lumberjack, you know me better than I know myself sometimes, you say I’m a sap, I’m a sap.” Bucky winked. “It was pretty corny.”

Bucky had the tree lined up on the ground at the back of the pickup, the dogs were prancing around the bed of the truck, and TJ wrapped his arms around Bucky’s bicep and hugged. “I’m so excited Bucky, and so happy.”

“I’m happy too.” Bucky covered TJ’s gloved hand with his and squeezed briefly before removing TJ’s hand from his arm. He enveloped TJ into a real hug, nuzzling past layers of coat and scarf, to kiss TJ’s neck. “I’m not sure I’ve ever been this happy.”

“Well then, It’s high time that you were. I guess we could both be just as happy with dry feet and hot cider at the house, right?”

“Sold. Let’s load up.”

TJ shivered watching the snow flurry from the tree dropping into the truck this time showering both dogs with snow. He accepted Bucky’s hand up into the bed of the truck and helped wrestle the tree into the burlap and tie it securely for the ride back. All that time fishing and camping seemed to pay off after all. He knew his knots, still remembered the harder ones he’d worked over and over with his dad. He impressed Bucky with his complex tie-down. “What? You think I need to learn everything that’s not technology related? I wasn’t the first on the smartphone bandwagon you know.”

“I just like learning things about you. This is impressive. You're deflecting compliments again, before they even happen.”

“I guess I am.” TJ ducked his head and blushed, full-on blushed, and turned even redder realizing it. He hopped down from the pickup and called for the dogs. Eddie led Dom underneath the ropes and down from the truck bed, and TJ put them in the back of the extended cab, tossing the discarded branch aside. He climbed into the front seat and started the truck from where he sat in the passenger seat, cranking the heater to hot and the fan to high.

Bucky watched, partly amused, and decided that there wasn’t any argument or explanation forthcoming as TJ closed the truck’s door. He coiled the remaining rope and tossed it into the corner of the truck bed, closed the tailgate, and brushed snow from his legs and coat before hiking up into the driver’s seat.

They were off the trail and on the road listening to Christmas music when TJ turned the stereo down. “I learned to tie knots fishing and hunting with my dad. He’d sit and show me while we waited. He has some patience buried somewhere under all that bluster.”

“It’s a good skill to have. That tree’s not going anywhere, and it’s thanks to you. Can you tie a net? I’ll bet you can.”

“I can.” TJ smiled. “You?”

“Yup.”

‘Details not forthcoming.’ TJ thought to himself. His smile softened. “SO, I read that the tree should rest for like a whole day. That does not make me happy.”

“We have tons of things on “TJ’s Christmas List” that we can do while the poor tree acclimates to indoor life.”

“I know, I just can’t wait to see it lit, and sit in the glow of just the fireplace and the tree.”

“Considering you’ll have to wait for dark for that effect anyway, what’s one more day? Is there any patience buried under all your excitement?”

“There’s a seed of it, I guess.” TJ sat back against the seat and reached across the space to put his hand on Bucky’s. “This ring, I keep forgetting how beautiful it is.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Bucky couldn’t suppress the smile that spread across his face, “as for lights, we do have that evergreen garland you insisted on buying, that you want to string with lights. We can work on that, and have those for tonight.”

“I guess that’s an acceptable alternative.” TJ examined Bucky’s profile, “I’m not driving you crazy yet, am I?”

“No.” Bucky looked across the cab at TJ, “I think it’s great. I just hope you’re doing all of this because you want to. You can’t tell me there aren’t people who would come out and do this stuff, if you’re trying to impress your family, just make the call TJ.”

“No Bucky, that’s not it. I – they’re going to get whatever we put together, and if anyone says one thing about it that isn’t “this feels right” or some equivalent, they’re gonna get the stink eye. I just want to make it feel festive, and to do it ourselves. A few bows, lights, and evergreen boughs are all that’s needed, right?”

“Right, ok, because I’ve seen how your grandmother’s place is trussed up for Christmas, and I just worry that you’re going to try to do the same, when we both know someone was paid for that.”

“Oh, I know. I also know how much something like that costs, $2000 just for flowers for an engagement party.” TJ scoffed. “No, I want a farm Christmas. I want simple, I want to pull the ornaments from the attic and put them up like when I was a kid.”

“Ok, that’s all I wanted to hear.” Bucky took TJ’s hand in his, I would endure the other if you wanted it, but I’m really happy to hear you want to keep it simple.” Bucky’s fingers toyed idly with the ring on TJ’s hand.

“Everything that happens at the farm this month is for you and me. Everyone else just gets to share in the festivities.”

“Ok. I'm really happy to hear that. I want you to remember this isn't just my holiday. I'm glad you're planning to enjoy it too.” Bucky’s smile widened, He turned the radio back up a little, serenaded by a Christmas classic that even he recognized as they headed back “home”.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note updated tags to reflect the turn this story has taken, it might be surprising to some, to others, not so much. there's just so much love to be had.
> 
> I'm sorry it's been two weeks since an update, this one has been messing with me. Bonus? It's longer. (?) :)

TJ watched as his grandmother was escorted up the patio steps into the farm house. “Bucky!” he called toward the kitchen, where Bucky was laughing with Matt and Carol, and talking to Douglas. Christmas was turning more and more into a little collection of miracles, but somehow TJ’s heart sank. He fiddled with the ring on his finger, trying to suppress a frown.

Bucky hurried from the kitchen at the urgency in TJ’s voice, and stopped abruptly behind TJ in the doorway, “what is it sweetheart?” and TJ heard the moment Bucky realized it was Steve escorting Margaret Barrish into the house. “Steve.” It was like a caress over TJ’s cheek, a warm, tender oath, and TJ wanted to cry. He felt an overwhelming urge to run and hide. He hadn’t taken Steve into consideration at all when he’d selfishly accepted Bucky’s proposal two weeks ago.

They hadn’t thought about it once, as far as TJ knew, and now, here on Christmas morning, when he should be overjoyed that Steve was walking free, not spending the holiday alone, TJ was conflicted. TJ felt Bucky’s shoulder brush against his as he stepped passed the doorway, he watched Bucky and Steve embrace one another. He braced himself and stood firm against the screaming anxiety that was telling him to get lost, or worse, to grab _his fiancé_ possessively.

“TJ! Hey, come over here.” Steve’s voice boomed. “You’re not still holding a grudge, are you?”

“Maybe a little.” TJ let Steve pull him into a hug, and almost reluctantly hugged back. Enveloped in the strong embrace, he was having a hard time remembering to be jealous or to hold a grudge. “How are you here?”

Steve let TJ step back before looking around the room, his eyes landing on Elaine Barrish. “Your mom and dad worked something out. I’ll let them explain it.”

“You're here on Christmas.” Bucky grinned. “We’d worried about you being alone for Christmas. I can only guess where your gifts wound up.”

“They’re under the tree where they belong.” Annie said, bringing Steve a cup of coffee.

“Where’s my hug you little shit?” Margaret said at TJ’s elbow.

“Nana, you never have to ask. It’s not my fault Dougie got to you first.” TJ held his grandmother’s hand in his. He saw her notice his ring and he looked stricken. “Shh, please.”

Margaret was having one of it, she tugged him toward the study and closed the door. “What’s this? Why are you ashamed of this?”

“I’m not. I’m not ashamed Nana, it’s just…” TJ leaned against the desk, “I’m worried Nana I think I fucked up.”

“How on earth is _this_ fucked up? You’re not having problems? Do you need an adjustment period?”

“I promised him. I promised I’d be patient.” TJ tugged a tissue from the box on the desk and wiped his eyes. Margaret hugged her grandson, “Just a few weeks ago I tell him he can’t spring his feelings for Steve on the man and not give him an adjustment period, and not even two weeks after that I forget all of it and when he proposed I just said yes. I can’t Nana! I can’t keep all of my promises. I want him to choose me. I also want him to be happy.”

“TJ he did choose you. If he asked you… you don’t think he felt pressured, do you?”

“I didn’t think so at the time. We talked about it before Bucky had to disappear, I blurted something out, and promised he’d know when I was really asking him, so the idea was there, and… but I didn’t think about Steve, and he didn’t. not when he asked, not when I said yes, and not when he put the ring on my finger.”

“So you don’t think Bucky’s thought about this or is it that you don’t trust his choices?”

“He hasn’t given Steve any time to understand his own feelings. He confessed his love for him before going into cryo and Steve didn’t get to process any of it.” TJ’s tears were drying on his face, the tissue forgotten.

“You should talk to the two of them. You’re reading things into their relationship and you need to have everything laid out in front of you.”

“What if the things I’m reading are really there?”

“TJ. This isn’t all about them, is it? You’ve been developing feelings for Steve Rogers.”

“No.” TJ said it aloud, but it wasn’t firm enough, it wasn’t real enough.

“You all need some time to talk. Go. It’s early, it’s crowded in here, take a walk. Go on, don’t make me drag all of you out to the barn.”

She coaxed a smile out of her grandson, he was getting carried away, and she could see it happening. He was either going to step aside and get everyone involved hurt, or he was going to suffer not knowing.

“I’m going.” TJ took a couple of tissues and swiped at his face before blowing his nose and smiling bravely.

“Don’t forget how much they mean to you.”

“They?”

“You heard me. You got incredibly angry at Steve for doing what he thought was right…”

“It was ill-conceived.” TJ interrupted his grandmother.

“Get out there and talk.”

TJ left his grandmother in the study and found Bucky and Steve still near the front door, heads together in conversation. He closed his eyes briefly before asking them, “Can we take a walk?”

“Sure sweetheart.” Bucky answered, putting his hand on TJ’s elbow. He saw the redness of TJ’s eyes and his strained smile, “Steve, we’ll be…”

“The three of us?” TJ corrected hesitantly.

“Sure, yeah.” Steve agreed. He watched as Bucky pulled two coats from the rack and handed one to TJ. He held the screen door for TJ and Bucky to follow. The look on TJ’s face was familiar, yet Steve didn’t know what to make of it.

“Congratulations on the engagement TJ.”

“Thanks.” TJ said quietly. “That’s kinda what I wanted to talk about.”

Bucky felt a pang, not unlike the feeling he had when TJ had been dragged from the room by his grandmother. “TJ.”

“Hang on. I have to say this. I told you that you owed it to Steve, to let him come to terms with your confession. I told _you_ not to turn yourself in for him. Neither of you listened. Listen now, please. You didn’t do that for me or for my happiness. You did it for him. Months ago, you told me you didn’t know how you felt, yet you’ve been working tirelessly _for him_ even colluding with my family to surprise _me_ because you knew it would make _him_ happy.”

“I did it because I knew it would make _you_ happy. Both of you.” Steve stuffed his hands in his coat pockets. Bucky could remember few times Steve had looked overwhelmed, usually involving talking to dames this was very similar. “I didn’t just walk off the face of the earth, I stopped contacting you because I was working on this, because the way you love Bucky is how he deserves to be loved. He chose you, you know. There wasn’t a test, when things played out the way they were supposed to, his choice was easy, his home is with you.”

“Do the two of you want to keep talking about me and for me? Or can I add something?”

TJ turned to see Bucky standing a few feet away, his hands balled into fists at his sides. There was fresh snow in his hair, causing TJ to realize he had been oblivious to more than just Bucky. “Your voice is the only one I want to hear.”

“If that’s true TJ, Steve’s right. I came home to you. It wasn’t just because he was in prison and I had nowhere to go. I could have found a place. I could have waited for him. God knows I love him. I chose you, but if you want me to be honest? If I could have everything? I’d keep both of you in my heart and my home. I’m sorry, it’s true, I said I didn’t want to be shared, but I guess I do a little.”

“You do.” TJ said it and Bucky couldn’t get a read on it. It didn’t sound flat, it didn’t sound pained, but he could be wrong. He was a bit rusty when it came to subtlety.

“TJ.” Steve looked between Bucky and TJ. He felt stuck in the middle, he hadn’t had a chance to say what he’d wanted to come here to say.

“Hang on.” TJ said, holding a hand out as much to keep Steve back, as he’d started to move toward TJ hesitantly, as to stop him from talking over Bucky. “You have to wait, I don’t think Bucky’s finished, and I want to hear what he has to say.”

“TJ.” Bucky said gently. “I’ve said what I have to say. Do you remember how you insisted I “owe it to Steve”? We owe it to him to hear him out now. All you’ve let him say was why he’d turn himself in. You didn’t ask or listen for what Steve wants. You were right, we need to take a walk, and we need to listen.”

“Fine. I’m sorry Steve. Obviously, I’ve let my frustration over what you had to do affect my attitude here. If you’d rather confide in Bucky without me, I’d understand. I hope our friendship is still intact enough…”

Steve’s hand rested on TJ’s shoulder, “TJ, I know I made choices and decisions that really upset you. I know you worked very hard to come to terms with that, and you did a great job. I did the unthinkable and shut you out. That wasn’t fair. The problem is that I have no idea what I’m doing TJ. I’m not exactly a master of relationships. Bucky sprang something on me that sent me reeling. I spent my life thinking things should be a certain way and there he goes opening a door that I didn’t see. I made excuses for my disinterest in girls, too busy, too small, too overlookable. “One day” was always just two or more days into my future, just out of reach. When I had Peggy, that was the first time I thought that maybe, finally… and I felt relief, a lot of love too, because Jesus, I loved her.” Steve ran a hand through his hair nervously, wiping the wet snow on his pants leg in a secondary nervous move, before laying it on Bucky’s forearm, closing the circle. “I took a little time to myself to realize something else. You were right about Bucky springing it on me. I had to process that.”

Bucky covered Steve’s hand with his, to comfort and reassure him. TJ looked between them, with a pit growing deeper in his gut.

“I also met someone very special, so I had to process that too and I think I’m in over my head.”

“ **You** are?” TJ laughed bitterly. “I understand, you two are in love, I’m a wreck emotionally and physically, and…”

“TJ, baby…” Bucky reached out, putting his free hand on TJ’s shoulder. “He’s talking about you, jackass.”

“About me?” TJ blinked and looked between them. Confused, hopeful, and still terribly nervous.

“Yeah, about you. I never told Bucky, but we were talking about you inside. He must have figured it out. It’s stupid to fall for you when Bucky owns your heart, and you… TJ, you still consume his.”

“So, you’re both in love with each other. You.” TJ pointed at Bucky, “You love me?”

“Jesus TJ. I’ve never stopped loving you, not for a moment!”

“and you?” TJ stood with his eyes wide, incapable of completing a thought, or closing his mouth, to be honest.

“Those nights we spent coping, dealing with our own emotions, I tried to convince myself that the draw was simply that, we were helping each other make it one more day, or one more night. When I was alone, I couldn’t stop thinking about those nights. I worked tirelessly to help Bucky, not just for the two of us, but because I knew how much you loved him and how happy I could make you, even though you’d never know why I was so driven. I couldn’t fail. I had to work with your mom to get him back in time for your performance. I could have come too, but I knew how special it would be for you and for him. So I turned myself in early. I’d had until the end of the week, but doing it in time for Bucky to see you play made things easier. I didn’t have to complicate things.”

“But your mom and dad worked extra hard to get him released early. He almost didn’t come today, but your grandmother made getting him here her personal mission, because she knew we were both upset about the idea of Steve being alone for Christmas.” Bucky added. “TJ, it sounds like we might be able to have it all. If you’re open to trying?”

“How would it work?” TJ felt as though one good wind would blow him over, “I knew I should never have gone overboard. We can’t all get married. I knew somehow things wouldn’t work out.”

“TJ, I want you and Bucky to get married. He told me about how you almost proposed, and he told me how beautiful the real thing was when he asked you. It sounds to me like maybe he got it right.” Steve shrugged. “Bucky and I have each other, and a history that binds us indelibly. You and I have plenty of time to work on a relationship. When we’re ready, we can do something symbolic and personal between the three of us. What you two have should be recognized and celebrated. I’ll happily stand as both of your best man, or, hell, I’ll marry the two of you.”

“Do you realize the press shit storm that will rain down on us if I marry Bucky and we all happily date one another? My mother wouldn’t have any of it! I won’t live in secret anymore. Not from her, not from the press. I shouldn’t have to.” TJ looked pleadingly at Bucky, “Not again.”

“We won’t hide, not for an instant TJ. We’ll tell them all. We’ll be open and we’ll take the blows, together. We’ll stand up for people in poly families starting with our own. TJ, I’m not one for lying and hiding the truth either.” Steve promised. “I wouldn’t want to hide you from anyone. I know we’ll catch a lot of flak, but I’m willing to do the talking. I’m willing to be the cornerstone of the whole thing. TJ? If you take everyone out of the equation except for the three of us, how do you feel about me?”

TJ looked at Bucky. Would he lose Bucky if he admitted he was attracted to Steve? “I always felt drawn to you, but I thought it was because we both cared for Bucky.”

Bucky watched TJ struggle with this feelings, and watched him as he silently pleaded for him to pull him out, “I won’t be part of a trio if TJ isn’t willing. I’ve loved you forever Stevie, but I won’t break TJ’s heart.”

“No, of course not. I wouldn’t want either of us to hurt TJ.” Steve put his hand on TJ’s shoulder again, “TJ? If you need time, I understand. This is… I’ve had since the summer, and I chose to let you two have each other. I’m ok with that. I won’t go back on that if it’s what you want. We can all still be friends, I know we can work anything out.”

“TJ? I won’t do anything that hurts you, baby. I promise. On the other hand, if you want to give it a shot, it’s ok. Like Steve said, take some time if you need it.”

TJ’s heart was starting to feel lighter somehow. He looked between these hard, super heroes, and saw only softness.

“I think I need some information.” TJ said quietly, squeezing Bucky’s hand, “Anything goes?”

“Yes sweetheart.”

TJ looked from Bucky to Steve, “I've wondered about kissing you since, maybe that first night.”

“I’ve warned you about my kissing skills.” Steve blushed.

“You’re just being modest.” Bucky argued, giving TJ’s hand another reassuring squeeze, “TJ’s good. He can show you a thing or two.”

TJ squeezed Bucky’s hand in return, wanting to fold himself up in  Bucky’s arms and be protected from what might come of his next steps. What if Bucky found it to be too much? What if he lost everything instead of gaining everything?

With a gentle push from Bucky, TJ stepped closer to Steve, putting his hand on Steve’s neck. He pulled him in, hesitating as their breath mingled. His thoughts of Bucky still wouldn’t stop, but he led with Bucky’s recommendation of his kisses, briefly touching Steve’s lips with his. He opened his eyes briefly, catching the close-up view of Steve’s ridiculously luxurious eyelashes dusting his cheeks. He kissed Steve more aggressively, and smiled into the kiss as Steve caught up to him. Those plump lips were very kissable, and the rascal was adventurous, slipping him some tongue. TJ could work with this.

Steve felt nervous, he’d started to pour his heart out, more than he’d ever done. He’d not only worried about how TJ would take it, but Bucky, and here he was kissing TJ. He hadn’t even kissed Bucky since being released, but right now it was about him and TJ. Bucky was right about TJ’s kissing, he found it challenging to keep up, but he never did back down from a challenge. TJ tasted of chocolate and peppermint, and kissing him felt like the perfect Christmas morning treat.

Steve let TJ initiate and terminate the kiss, and as TJ stepped back, his cheeks pink, and his lips swollen, Bucky slipped an arm around each of them. “So, are we good?” Bucky asked them both.

“Do I measure up TJ?”

“It’s going to be weird, and hard, and are you both sure? People can be horrible.” TJ asked, his voice was shaking from nervousness and anxiety. He didn’t know how to answer Steve, he didn’t know how Bucky was _really_ taking this.

“TJ, I thought we covered that,” Steve replied, wrapping his hand around TJ’s, “what other information did you need? I thought it was just my kissing skills.”

“Bucky?” TJ looked at his fiancé, “I haven’t figured out how you feel about this yet.”

“I’m terrified. I was terrified when I fell for you, I was terrified when I proposed, and when you said yes. I’m not running from it just because it’s frightening. I think your family will have questions.” He nodded toward the porch, where Bud and Elaine were standing.

“First real test.” Steve nodded, “Are we going to have answers?”

TJ realized he was the object of the question. He sucked in a breath and looked at Bucky, “You’re fine with sharing me, and him? You’re really, really sure?”

“I am. Are you?”

“Bucky.” TJ let Steve’s hand drop and stopped. “I’m ready for anything. Part of me is shaking, worrying that somehow no matter what I say, eventually it will be the wrong thing. What if this is the wrong thing?”

“I don’t know the answers TJ. We have to work it out together. I want to try. I love you. I love you so much. I love Steve too.”

“We _will_ work it out you know?” Steve stepped away from Bucky to walk alongside TJ, brushing TJ’s shoulder with his arm. “We’re not suddenly joined at the hip TJ. I’ll give you and Bucky space, and I hope you’ll like spending time with me as well.”

“You already know I do. It’s just so… I never thought… I mean, I’ve been part of polyamorous activities before, but never in a committed relationship and never sober. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”

“We’re all going to find out a lot of things together.” Bucky pulled TJ closer, banding his arm across TJ’s waist. “We’ll do things slowly, and we’ll make this work for all of us, or it won’t happen.”

“We _will_ have a bigger place.” TJ smiled. He looked at Steve, and then to Bucky. “But that was going to be your place to get away.”

“TJ, I’ve never needed to get away from you. I appreciate the thought, I really do, let’s just see if we can’t make ourselves a home and figure out what we each need, ok? I’m ready to embrace happiness, and there are only a few people who make me really happy, two of you are right here. Some of them are inside, and when Lee gets here, I’d say my self-made family is complete.”

Elaine looked from the disturbing sight across the yard to the father of her children. “What are we going to do about this?”

“You’re asking me instead of telling me? I say let them go. TJ is already in a relationship we don’t quite understand, and not because he’s a man. These are genetically enhanced people, this isn’t anything we’re gonna be used to. Besides. All you ever said was that you wanted TJ to be clean and to feel loved. It’s clear that he needs more love than we can give him, maybe together they’re capable of that.”

“Maybe you’re just saying that because you have a hard time with monogamy?”

“I’m looking at our son. He doesn’t look that worried. They don’t look distraught. This has to stop being about us. He’s an adult. Even I can see what he’s done this past year. That’s not counting the three before it Sugar.”

“You’re always trying to butter me up with that word.” Elaine’s fingers tightened on the cold wood of the porch railing. “What do I say?”

“How about…” Bud turned, resting a hip against the rail, looking far too relaxed for Elaine’s comfort, “How about we let _them_ do the talkin’?”

“Shit, I hoped you’d have something else to say.” Elaine turned away from Bud to look at the trio coming up the sidewalk to the steps, “Whatever they say, I’m supposed to just…”

“Pretend you’re in negotiations, and are the one with the most to lose.”

TJ looked at the relaxed stance of his father on the porch, and his mother’s tight grip on the railing, along with her ‘going to battle’ forced smile. “We need a diversion. You think Matt’s close on breakfast?” He asked Bucky.

“Probably keeping things hot as we speak. How do you want to do this TJ?”

“I’m not sure, engagement first, followed by a soft introduction to the rest of it? What do you think Steve? Clearly you’ve had to navigate some sensitive issues before.”

“Like a bull in a china shop he has.” Bucky chuckled. He looked from TJ to Steve, delighted in the way they’d flanked TJ, both giving him support and love.

“What you suggested sounds prudent.” Steve shook his head at Bucky’s accusation, “Is it something you want to announce to mixed company?”

“You’re going to have to clarify mixed company, if you mean the womenfolk…” TJ taunted Steve, as he linked their fingers.

“I meant your friends versus your family.”

“Like Bucky said, they’re all family. I’d prefer to wait until Lee and Alec get here. She’s a beautiful voice of reason, and will be on our side for sure. Nana is too, by the way. She called this situation before I even thought of it.”

Bucky’s look of shock wasn’t anything next to Steve’s chuckle.

“What? She’s the reason I’m not in there drowning my sorrows in tears and sugar. Speaking of sugar, I'm really hungry. Those chocolates this morning were definitely not enough.”

“Hey parental units!” TJ teased as they climbed the steps, nerves making him giddy. “What has you out in the cold?”

“Looking for you.” Elaine’s grip on the railing loosened slightly.

“Matt offered to hold breakfast, Margaret said you boys might have things to discuss.” Bud shocked TJ with his mild approach.

“TJ.” Elaine said as the other three started for the door.

TJ looked up, and then beyond his mother, smiling as though he were a kid and it was Christmas, and well, half of that was true. She turned when the honk sounded, seeing what TJ saw. She recognized Lee in the passenger seat of the orange Subaru coming up the drive. TJ scrambled down the steps “Bucky! Lee made it early!!” He called out over his shoulder. He hurried across the cleared walkway, “Lee! Sweetheart!”

Bucky reached the car just after Lee jumped out of the car and hugged TJ. He waited for them to separate before grabbing her in his own hug. “Merry Christmas. Your timing is perfect.”

“Oh?” Lee kissed Bucky. “What’d you guys do that you need a distraction?”

TJ laughed, as he walked around to the rear of the car to help Alec with packages and food containers. “We just missed you, that’s all.”

“Yeah, right.” Lee laughed with TJ. She hooked her arm through Bucky’s, “So this is the farm huh? Still swanky.”

“Well, I take no credit for that.” TJ grinned, “Alec, I’m so glad you came.”

“I’m here for brute strength. Apparently Lee needed to be a surrogate Santa.”

“Like you’d never want to spend time with Bucky and TJ,” Lee scoffed, taking a few gift bags off from TJ’s pile. “I couldn’t help the shopping bug, I was so happy Bucky was back, and I knew he probably didn’t have a lot of time for shopping either. I know this boy, so I did a little shopping for ya. Or… Maybe you didn’t need any help?”

“What?” Bucky asked.

“I see TJ’s sporting some nice new jewelry.” The smile on her face was reflected in the warmth of her voice. “Did you propose Bucky?”

“Only a couple of people know. That’s just part of the distraction.” Bucky blushed. “We have a lot to explain. Your timing might get us all inside without any one on one confrontations before we can make an announcement.”

“You saved my ass. My mother has questions and I don’t want to answer them for everyone individually, and I _don’t_ want to have any _discussions_ with her. Not on Christmas.”

“You’re hiding behind me?”

“Just this once.” TJ blushed. “It’s that important Lee.”

“I’ll be your protector honey.” Lee teased.

“Good. So you should know, before you go inside, Steve’s here.”

“ _His_ Steve?” Lee looked at Bucky, “ _Your_ Steve?”

TJ followed Lee and Bucky up the steps, resisting blurting out “our Steve”.

Alec took up the rear, wondering about the craziness they were stepping into. At least he knew he could find a quiet corner with Matt and/or Bucky at some point.

The living room was empty, with the exception of the tree, stacked clear into the walkway with gifts. The Christmas music and crackle of the fire were practically drowned out by the cacophony of voices in the kitchen. Steve was standing near the island, talking to Margaret, with an eye on the doorway.

Douglas and Anne were at the table talking with Carol, and Elaine was pulling Bud away from the oven where he was peeking in, talking to Matt about the breakfast.

TJ started setting gifts in front of the tree, while Bucky took the food containers into the kitchen. Lee took the load Alec had and shooed him away to go find Bucky. “So,” she said quietly after Alec had gone. “What’s the big deal? They won’t approve?”

“It’s bigger than that.” TJ could smell Lee’s shampoo as they bent over the gifts. “I’m still trying to figure everything out.”

“Ok, so I know a few things. He – Steve – he’s _the guy_ Bucky loved back in the day, right? You said he still loves him. I know how you feel too, you can try to deny it. So, the three of you?”

“Shit, Lee… how? Is it that obvious? First Nana and now you.”

“You kinda wear your heart on your sleeve sweetheart. Remember, I do have intimate knowledge that others don’t. Bucky told me about a boy, and I know who those two are, I put two and two together. That ‘boy’ couldn’t be anyone other than Steve. I’ve also spent a lot of time with you post Bucky and post Steve. Your grandmother, she’s been around long enough. The rest of them – I don’t know if they’re blind or not.”

“I think my mom knows, I don’t know if they saw me kissing Steve or…”

“You little shit! You’re supposed to lead with that.” Lee teased.

“Hey you two? Are you shaking gifts, peeking? Matt’s gonna stop holding breakfast if you don’t hurry.” Bucky called from the doorway.

“None of the above. We’d never miss one of Matty’s breakfasts.” Lee straightened up, and grabbed TJ’s arm, and whispered, “I hope you know what you’re doing, making out with two super soldiers.”

“It’s bigger than that.” TJ blushed, then covered Lee’s hand with his shaking fingers. “Save me.”

“Not that I wouldn’t if you needed it, but you don’t. Just – how are you going to announce this?”

“Lee? I don’t know!” TJ stopped next to Bucky, taking his hand. “We’re gonna figure it out, I guess.”

Steve turned away from Margaret when TJ and Bucky escorted Lee into the room. “You must be Lee. Thank you for everything you’ve done for Bucky and TJ. It’s nice to actually meet you this time.”

“I came bearing cookies again. I made these though, so I make no promises. ” Lee smiled, laying a hand on Steve’s arm. “It’s nice to finally meet you Steve. As for these two, any time.”

“TJ, are we done waiting for breakfast yet?” Douglas called from the table.

“Matt, please put something in his mouth.” TJ replied, letting Bucky’s hand drop, and putting his hand on Steve’s back briefly as he walked past him and Lee. “Preferably something big, a whole muffin maybe?”

TJ pulled four plates from the stack on the island, and set three in front of Steve, Lee, and Bucky.

“You’re hilarious as ever TJ.” Douglas called back. He rose and approached the island, getting plates for himself and Anne, “Nana, come sit with us.”

“I’ll sit where I sit.” She responded, mid-flirt with Alec who stood taller than Steve. Alec’s usually stoic face softened and a half-smile emerged as she tugged him toward the plates.

The melee of people filling their plates pleased Matt. He watched as Carol fixed food for both herself and him, and laughed at some outlandish thing Bud Hammond was saying. No, he wasn’t paying attention. The man was too full of bluster and inappropriate things. If this were another place, and not TJ and Bucky’s ideal Christmas, he wouldn’t mind correcting and educating the man.

Once everyone had their food and were seated at the large farm table, TJ gripped Bucky’s hand and squeezed. “I can’t wait to get to the gifts, I never thought that tree could look dwarfed.”

“Where did you find a tree that big? Did you take Bucky to the tree farm?” Douglas asked.

“I did. Speaking of Christmas gifts, Bucky gave me his while we were there.”

“Oh really?” Elaine asked setting her fork down, looking intently at TJ.

“I asked TJ to marry me.” Bucky admitted, squeezing TJ’s hand back before lifting their hands above the table.

The reactions were all positive, with a bit of hesitation from his mother. “I said yes. We don’t know when, but we’re thinking about something quiet. We’re going to be causing enough of a stir, we’d appreciate keeping it small. Besides, I don’t want a bunch of extended family and _friends of the politicians_ making things awkward. Bucky’s family is pretty much right here, so I think dwarfing that with unnecessary pageantry is tasteless.”

“I get it. I would like to think I’ve learned something from Douglas and Anne.” Elaine’s expression was openly confused as she continued to search TJ’s face for answers. “and what about earlier?”

“Earlier outside? When you and Dad saw me kissing Steve?” TJ was proud that he didn’t shift in his seat. “That earlier that nobody else is aware of?”

“Precisely.” Elaine set her fork down, closing one hand over the other.

“We’re together, the three of us. We have a lot of unanswered questions ourselves, so we’d appreciate no questions right now. Yes we know the press will have a heyday with this. I don’t care, and neither, I think, do the _only_ other two people it directly concerns.”

“Nope, I have no issues with it.” Steve nodded firmly.

“We already discussed it, of course TJ knows how I feel.” Bucky added. “It’s not just because I can’t choose. It seems none of us wants to choose.”

“It seems none of us has to choose.” TJ added. “I’ve been confused about my feelings for Steve since he came to deliver Bucky’s message. I guess he’s had some of the same feelings. Bucky and I are still getting married, and Steve will be our best man.”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“Mom. If that’s your stance, I understand. You don’t accept me and the people I choose to love. What answer were you looking for when you brought it up? I’m sorry if it’s going to make you look bad in the press or whatever, but I can’t keep living my life according to what’s acceptable to hypersensitive people. At least you’re not asking me to keep it hidden. There’s that, anyway.”

TJ’s eyes felt dry. As though he were supposed to cry but just couldn’t. Maybe his tears had finally dried up for good. He closed them, gripping Bucky’s hand again, tighter than before, “Matt, breakfast is terrific. Even though we were so rude to make you delay it.”

“It’s a good thing we had to, or Lee and Alec might not have gotten any.” Matt answered with a smile, and a look that he hoped gave TJ some relief. “Were you still buying that place above you? Is that where you’ll live?”

“Unless Steve wants to keep his apartment, yes. It’ll have plenty of room. We haven’t discussed living arrangements. If you guys are still interested in my apartment it should be available in February. I promise we’re decent neighbors.” TJ smiled, so thankful for Matt and his well-placed conversation.

TJ couldn’t look at his mother, who had been in a weird silent discussion with his father since his rude dismissal. That was the odd thing, no weird lectures from his father, and nobody else said anything. He didn’t know what he expected from their friends, aside from Lee who’d guessed. He was expecting Douglas to corner him later with a healthy dose of “do you know what the hell you’re doing?”.

Luckily, the table was surrounded by some lively conversationalists, with Carol, Lee, and Margaret dishing about things, and Steve, Bud, and Matt adding their different perspectives, that TJ was able to concentrate on eating instead of looking to his mother for approval. If she was out on this, that was her choice.

Bucky nudged TJ’s leg with his, and TJ looked up into his eyes, answering his questioning look with a wobbly smile. He knew someone would have trouble. Thought he’d have to fight. Not fighting was weird and he didn’t know how to proceed. He had been expecting an ugly fight from his father, and a resigned support from his mother, after all, that was how things went all his life.

TJ missed the point in the conversation where he was asked about his music, and Bucky nudged him again, answering “MJ sent the recorded Christmas performance, it sounded as good as it did live.”

“I’m very happy with the quality, I plan on releasing it in time for next Christmas. I was even considering going old school and putting it out on vinyl too.”

“Do you have it where we can listen to it TJ?” Steve asked, fully aware of the diversionary tactics of everyone at the table, yet genuinely interested in hearing the performance he had regretfully chosen not to attend.

“Yeah, it’s on my laptop, if nobody minds hearing it again, I could put it on while we are opening gifts.”

“That would be wonderful TJ.” Anne said from where she sat between Elaine and Douglas. “I can only remember your reunion with Bucky, it would be nice to be able to focus on the music.”

“TJ, you know more than anyone how horrible people can be.” Elaine finally spoke, the concern outweighing her initial inability to understand. “Is this something you’re ready to fight for?”

“Mom, I’m sitting here, ready to live the rest of my life avoiding every family event, just so you don’t have to “talk about it”, because I don’t want to live in hiding. I don’t care what _people_ have to say, I know I’m not willing to subject the men I love to the inhumanity of sneaking around, when we’re not doing anything wrong, not hurting anyone in the process. I am ready to fight for this. I can handle the press, because I won’t be doing it alone at any stage. Bucky and Steve are part of this, plus I believe that most of the people at this table will be there for us.”

“Elaine, they’re not asking our blessing, they’re inviting us into their lives by letting us know how they’ve chosen to live and be happy. This isn’t up for discussion by anybody except for TJ, James and Steve.”  Margaret said with a warm smile to the boys, and a determined look in her daughter’s direction.

“Thank you Nana.” TJ smiled, overcome by the emotion her unequivocal support brought to the surface. “I think I overate. I’m gonna go get the music queued up, and see if I can make sense out of the mountain of gifts under the tree.”

TJ scooted his chair back and stood up, putting a reassuring hand on Bucky’s shoulder when he looked up at him.

The sounds of talking and dishes clinking followed TJ as he found his laptop, and sat heavily in the chair closest to where he’d left it last. He folded his legs up onto the cushions underneath himself as he pulled up the playlist. He hesitated over pressing play, watching the twinkling lights on the tree. He actively tried not to pick out pieces of the discussions in the other room. So successfully distracted from the goings on in the other room, TJ flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Steve lower himself to sit on the arm of the chair.

“You sure about all this?”

“Yeah, it’s actually a lot less horrifying than I’d imagined. It’s up to her now, whether she wants to accept us or not. The odds of everyone being on board were horrible, and we have a crazy amount of support, actually.”

“I noticed that. It can’t be easy when your mom’s not in your corner.”

“It’s not. But she’s here, and I think she’s kind of trying. Are holidays hard for you, without your mom? I mean, it’s only been a dozen years, right?”

“Yeah, I guess it would be about that. There are a lot of occasions where it’s hard without my mom.”

“So suck it up? Is that what you’re saying?” TJ smiled at Steve.

“No, you asked about my mom. I don’t want you to _suck it up_. I want you to have whatever reaction you need to have. Like you said, it’s less horrifying than you imagined.”

“Well, who saw his therapist this week?” TJ chuckled. “I’m glad you’re here Steve.”

“I didn’t mean to use clinical terminology, I just meant…”

TJ put his hand on Steve’s thigh, “I get it. It was the right thing to say, it’s just that I don’t hear people saying “the right thing” all that often.”

“I noticed.” Steve settled against the back of the chair, “This is beautiful TJ. I’m sorry I missed the performance.”

“Yeah, you made a couple of really weird choices.” TJ smiled softly, “Maybe later you can tell us how you managed to be released after just a few weeks.”

“Your parents’ legal skills. I’m retired from The Avengers. There’s still a lot to be ironed out regarding monitoring the acts of people like us, and as long as there’s so much gray area not accounted for, I’m not comfortable with how easily they disregard basic rights, I chose to step down.”

“Which is what he’d already done before Zemo dragged everybody in.” Bucky said from behind them. “He’ll go back if the threat’s big enough.”

“He’ll stay if the threat’s big enough.” TJ said with a smile, not believing a word of it. “Or I’ll just wait while you both go do stupid things. Is everybody finishing up? Or were you worried?”

“There will be an influx momentarily.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple. “You ok?”

“Yeah, like we were saying, it could be a lot worse.” TJ put his hands over Bucky’s on his shoulders, squeezing before looking up. “You wanna hand out the gifts?”

“I think you’d rather save me from that hell, right? No, I don’t wanna.” Bucky’s voice was low and gravelly next to TJ’s ear.

“Fine. I’ll ask Lee. She has no problems helping out on Christmas.” TJ teased, dragging his fingers over Bucky’s clean-shaven jaw.

“You’ll ask Lee what?” Lee said from the doorway, where she stood with her arms wrapped around Alec’s waist.

“If you’ll play Santa’s elf and hand out gifts. Bucky won’t do it and I didn’t even call him an elf.”

“I’ll happily do it.” Lee agreed. “for a price.”

“Oh?” TJ grinned, “What would that be?”

“I get to keep any that don’t have tags.”

“You’ll pull tags off of all the best looking ones, that’s hardly fair.”

“No way, not with Captain America sitting guard. Just the authentically untagged ones.”

“I don’t know Lee.” TJ moaned, “I mean, what if one of my amazing gifts to Bucky didn’t get a tag? I’d cry.”

“Hah, you’d wrestle me for it, you wouldn’t cry.”

“You might be right.”

“Hey, if Lee’s wrestling TJ, I think we should be placing bets.” Matt’s voice called through the doorway. “MY money’s on Lee, no offense TJ.”

“Well, my money’d be on Lee too, Matt, so no offense taken.” TJ laughed, “come sit down. I’m pretty sure Santa, or one of his elves has brought something for everyone, and if anybody dares to tell me there’s no Santa Claus, I’m gonna point to this blond man here and ask how he wound up on our doorstep on Christmas.”

“The power of the president.” Douglas said from the door. “By the way, Steve’s gifts are there too.”

“We know Dougie, Anne said as much. You must not have been paying attention.”

“I was distracted by food. Matt’s a good cook.”

“You already knew that.” TJ smiled. “Ok, no wrestling. Lee, you don’t need to worry about scrounging tagless gifts, I guarantee you I have something you’ll love and so does Bucky.”

…

“So, now that the parental units are gone, how are you really?” Lee asked TJ as they sat side-by-side on the sofa. TJ looked at Lee, her face colored by the warm lights of the tree, the only light source besides the fire in the fireplace. The long day was finally over, and TJ was borderline ready to pass out on the sofa. He listened to Alec, Bucky, and Steve laughing in the kitchen, and looked over at Matt who sat at Carol’s feet while she rubbed his neck.

“I’m fine, it was less dramatic than it should have been, which means people were on their best behavior, either because of all the beef in the room, or because they’ve finally given up on me doing anything they approve of. I’ll take either right now. I know it’s unusual, and _no_ I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m willing to bet none of us does. Hell, she doesn’t even know if she’s with my dad or not.”

“Ok, so you told me how things _went_ , I was here for that part. How is TJ?”

“Tired. I’m kinda happy though, you know? I’m scared to death, but it’s no different than any new relationship.”

“It’s not? It seems a little different.”

“Ok, yeah, There’s some worry about jealousy, but I think we’re all going to be dealing with things like that.”

“Seems like you’ve done some thinking.” Carol said from her spot across the table.

“I’m just pretending I know anything.” TJ smiled. “I haven’t had a chance to see what I’m supposed to expect.”

“We have pie, cookies, and coffee.” Steve said from the doorway. “Delivery or pickup?”

“delivery. You three beefy boys can handle it.” Lee called back, laying her head on TJ’s shoulder, “I’m not getting up from this spot, I have an excellent view and a perfect place for my head.”

“The epitome of laziness.” Alec said fondly, handing Lee a mug before setting a plate of sweets down on the coffee table. “Mind if I squeeze in?”

“You might fit.” Lee smirked, lifting her hand from the cushion. She put her leg over Alec’s as soon as he was sitting next to her. “Wonder if your family thinks we’re having an orgy?”

“God only knows.” TJ chuckled. “Thank you baby.”

Bucky put a plate near where Carol and Matt were sitting before he lowered himself to sit on the floor in front of TJ between his legs, after handing him his coffee. Steve set the last plate of goodies on the side-table and lowered himself into the overstuffed chair closest to Bucky.

TJ’s mixed playlist of Christmas classics and Big Band shuffled pleasantly, playing in the background. “Who’s having an orgy?” Bucky asked as TJ kneaded his neck muscles with one hand.

“I mean, we’re all gorgeous, young people, and you three are in an unhealthy relationship, we’re probably all doing it right now.” Lee winked.

“She’s talking about my family, how mom might be processing things, how dad might be venting, since he didn’t say a bad word the whole time.”

“I thought she was making a suggestion.” Matt said, barely finishing before Carol smacked him on the shoulder. “Ow, woman.”

“You’d be the last person invited to an orgy, you oaf.” Carol grumbled, Matt couldn’t see her smiling, but he knew she was. Not for his benefit either, but because she’d managed to go all day without calling him an oaf until now.

“First time you’ve said that today.” Matt said as he tipped his head back against the chair cushion, and looked up at her, upside down.

“You got lucky.”

TJ laughed, and looked across toward Steve, “come over here, there’s plenty of room.”

“Doubt the couch could handle it.”

“You’re not the oaf.” Matt chuckled.

Steve stepped around Bucky’s leg, easing into the spot next to TJ.

“Shh. Did you hear that? The couch groaned.” Bucky teased as he leaned his left shoulder against Steve’s leg. “I’d say it wasn’t half bad today.”

“It was pretty good.” Lee agreed. “TJ, you handled your mom’s denial and indifference very well.”

“I can behave in front of people.” TJ mused, “You should have seen my near meltdown this morning when I saw Steve and Bucky together. Nana dragged me away before I could let jealousy cause me to do something I’d regret.”

“So, you went from jealousy to this cute pile of super soldiers?” Lee asked, looking up at TJ.

“Well, we talked. Nana forced me back out, after telling me I was being an idiot. We held up breakfast. I almost lost it anyway, but these two were problem solving at the speed of light. I’d said something when Bucky came home, “we could share”, and I believed him when he said he didn’t want to, I’m sure he believed it too, at the time, but I shouldn’t have. None of us had any time to think about any of it.”

“I was ready to step aside. I gave my blessing, but I’m glad we’re going to try this thing.”

“Isn’t the world going to be freaked out about _Captain America_ and such an, oh, shall we say _liberal_ lifestyle?” Alec asked. “I mean, I’m using _their_ interpretation of the term here.”

“It’s like we said at breakfast, we’ll deal with it.” Bucky started. He looked up at Steve, smiling at the way his arm was across TJ’s shoulders.

“I’m not exactly _Captain America_.” Steve added.

“You’re not exactly _not_ Captain America.” Carol added, “Doesn’t matter if you’re retired, or whatever, for a century that’s who you’ve been.”

“Then it’s high time he was someone else, don’t you think?” Matt decided, “Steve Rogers, finally gets to decide who he is, and if you ever do go back, you can tell them it’s not their business. I mean, is everyone who was ever saved by Captain America going to throw themselves on a sword, so to speak, and give up the life they had saved because of his sexuality and private life?”

“No, they’ll burn their mementos in effigy and big talk.” Alec grumbled. “You don’t mind a few red, white, and blue pyres in protest?”

“I’ll steer clear of the stench of toxic burning plastic and equally toxic rhetoric, and they can pollute their air however they please.” Steve knew it was all true, he’d seen demonstrations against him and the rest of the Avengers. It was a way for people who didn’t know how to fight, to do so, “Seems a pretty unhealthy fight, to argue about somebody else’s rights to happiness. I mean, we can’t be the only group of people who choose to live like this.”

“We’re not the only poly group. Every time you’re seen by others, you’ll be standing for them, whether that’s what you’re doing or not, not every human on earth will hate you, or burn their memorabilia. Just the extreme bigots.”

“We’ve faced enough of those in our day, Stevie, I think we know how they work.”

“Yeah, it’s not going to be a problem. TJ has the most experience with the press, followed by me. We’ll get Bucky in fine form, and as far as personal emotional impact? New territory for all of us.”

“I have a good therapist to recommend.” Bucky grinned, smacking Steve on the calf.

“If you don’t like his, I can recommend mine too.” TJ offered, reaching for a plate with a slice of pie.

“Bucky tells me that you’re putting him back to work.” Matt said, handing Carol a plate of cookies.

“Yup, he’s gotta pay for that condo somehow.” TJ winked, “he’s welcome to find anything he wants to do, I just know a good bartender when I see one, and that’s my job – well, Cy’s job – but I have the authority to offer Bucky Cy’s old position.”

“Unless you or Alec wants it Lee? I can fill either of your spots too.”

“We’re good.” Alec answered. “We have good shifts, that shift is perfect for you two and your dog schedules. Where are they?”

Alec looked around and saw both dogs lounging by the fire.

“They’re done tuckered out. Between playing with Abe, and all the people they had to entertain, they’re done.” TJ smiled.

“You find all the good dogs TJ. You’ll have to let us know the next time you find somebody you think will fit with us.” Carol smiled, teasing her fingers through Matt’s red curls. “This one’s been talking about those two, and every time I’m around them, I guess…”

“She’s crumbling, her stony façade is finally turning…” Matt’s voice was filled with laughter, “OW.” He turned to look at her with a falsely harsh look as she tugged on a small section of hair.

“We’ll be back at the shelter after the holidays. We’re staying here til the eighth, and then we’ll head home and start real life.”

“Perfect timing, the “unwanted” Christmas gifts should be coming in by then.” Bucky frowned. “Last year, there was a big run on dogs and cats.”

“Bunnies happened right before I met you too, huh?” TJ tickled Bucky’s neck lazily with his thumb.

“The Easter bunny mess was just about cleared up by then.”

“I don’t know how you do it. I’d want to keep them all.” Lee moved so that she was in Alec’s arms.

“You just need one or two Lee.” TJ grinned. “We know where they keep them.”

“You wish. I’ve already picked up two strays. You two keep me pretty busy.” Lee nudged Bucky with her toe. “Who wants to break out my latest Cards Against Humanity?”

“I think that’s a great idea!” TJ sat forward, smiling when Steve’s hand trailed down his spine. “we already have the goodies.”

The group appeared reenergized, shifting their positions slightly to help move said goodies to the center of the coffee table. Lee got up and had Alec move to the large chair. “Bucky, come sit on the couch with your boys.”

“My boys.” Bucky grinned up at Lee, taking her hand and standing up. He turned to the sofa to see where he was going to fit, and Steve and TJ were each shifting to accommodate him in between them.

“While I’m up, let me know if anybody needs a hot drink refill, coffee, cocoa, whatever.” Lee announced.

A round of “I’m good” followed Lee into the kitchen. “OK, TJ, how about breaking open the cards? Bucky will you shuffle?”

“Yup, we’ve got your back Lee. Steve? Have you played?”

“Believe it or not, yes.” Steve smiled, taking the cellophane as TJ pulled it away from the cards. “Buck?”

“Once, with these animals.” Bucky grinned. “Excuse your reach.”

“Was just tryin’ to help.” Steve’s fingers folded the plastic smaller and smaller, before he dropped the tiny bundle over Bucky’s shoulder.

“You guys were just reunited, you sure you want a party that goes into the wee hours of the morning?” Matt asked, getting up into the loveseat next to Carol.

“We planned a lazy hangout, so Steve was a surprise. He could use some youthful company and bawdy entertainment.” Bucky replied, shuffling the cards as TJ handed them to him.

“Bucky’s right, I’ve been alone too long. Unless you’re afraid one of us’ll skunk ya?”

“I’m not afraid, old man. I can lose this game to any of you, or them. Probably the women, if I’m bein’ honest.”

“Didn’t Bucky win last time? I seem to recall a lot of dissention.” Carol asked.

“He went for amputee humor. That’s not a win. I think Lee wound up with the most black cards.” TJ said, “You or Matt should know Carol, you wrangled the cards.”

“Amputee humor?” Steve nudged Bucky. “Seriously?”

“Irreverent. You have to play to your audience. TJ couldn’t resist it even if he hated it.”

TJ rolled his eyes, “You want him Steve? He’s all yours.”

“He’s not denying it.” Alec joked, leaning forward, taking a plate of pie from the center of the coffee table “TJ, did you say you baked the pie? Do _not_ let my grandmother hear this, but damn, it’s better than hers.”

TJ was glad the lights were still low when he felt the blush creep over his cheeks. “Yeah, I uh – Yeah, that was me.” He nearly buried the compliment in “we baked together” but saw Bucky’s brow shoot up. “Thanks Alec, I promise, I won’t ever leak a word to your grandmother. I know how they can be.”

Lee flipped the switch to turn the lamps on before setting the coffee carafe on the table. “I did win, Bucky did freak TJ out, and the pie is _really good_ TJ. Oh, and you can’t just go giving Bucky to Steve. Not after how hard you fought for him. You have to at least give him to me. I was there. I saw your struggle.”

“Hey, Steve fought too.”

“I’m not sure I forgive him for making you cry.” Lee’s tone was light, but there was a look she spared for Steve that TJ decided not to address.

“I’ve got a lot to make up for.” Steve reached behind Bucky and put his hand firmly on TJ’s shoulder. “I’m just lucky TJ decided to let me.”

TJ smiled, blushing again, and certain there was no hiding it. “Lee was there for some of my worst moments, she’ll fight anyone.” TJ chuckled, “But it’s my fight sweetie, and it’s been long diffused.”

“I’m not afraid of no super soldier.” Lee winked, sitting down next to Alec. “Just don’t hurt him again. Neither of you.” Lee pointed a finger at each super soldier before smiling.

“So?” Alec took in a deep breath, “Who’s betting money on that fight?”

Lee whacked at Alec’s midsection with her forearm and shot him a look of disbelief.

“Wise odds are on Lee.” Steve admitted, “I’d deserve to be trounced if I did anything like that again.”

“We’d hold you down.” Alec said, nodding toward Matt. “We might not have much on you for long, but she’d get a few licks in before you could take us.”

“Speak for yourself, this body is pure beauty.” Matt scoffed. “You might be a giant, but not this guy.”

“How about I’m not the damsel in distress, you guys are great, and we play cards?” TJ decided, dealing the hand. “Thanks though.”

Bucky liked the fact that his friends fiercely defended TJ, not that it was necessary, but it had been a very long time since he’d felt this kind of camaraderie. “I promise, if I ever need anybody to help me protect TJ, I know who to call. I’m glad to know that he can call the same people if he felt the need.”

“Well it’s not about to be against either of you. But yeah, I know who my friends are.” TJ smiled. “Now that we have this all organized, if that’s what you can call it, is everybody going to be comfortable playing here? Or should we move to the table in the kitchen?”

“I’m not moving again.” Matt groaned. “I’ll phone it in if you move all the way in there.”

“We could manage with that.” Carol scolded. “I’m teasing him TJ, we’re fine in here.”

“I think it’s good here, everybody has a nice cozy seat and damned good food within reach.” Steve agreed pulling two of Lee’s homemade cookies from the plate closest to him. He broke one in half and offered it to Bucky. Bucky took a bite and then fed the rest to TJ, only having secondary embarrassment afterward that it might have been too much for the room. Bucky didn’t see any judgment when he looked up to ask who would start.

“I’ll start, since I won the last game.” Lee smirked, “Get your minds in the gutter people.”

…

“Let’s leave the mess til morning.” Steve said quietly to Lee. Alec, Carol and Matt had gone to bed after the first round, and the rest of them had half-assed played a second round, giggling tiredly and interrupting each hand with stories, shushing one another with threats “you’ll wake the others.”

TJ, usually the shushed, would come back with “this place is built like a fortress, they can’t hear anything.”

“I can clean it up, if I leave it tonight, I’ll feel guilty tomorrow when we leave and it’s still here. You get your boys up to bed. The first room on the right.”

“You don’t think all this is weird, do you Lee?”

“Steve? I think it’s beautiful. I don’t think it’s weird. Some people are going to, is that going to be a problem?”

“No. I just…” Steve let Lee interrupt his thoughts as he stacked dessert plates quietly.

“Listen, not one of us here right now sees anything weird, unholy, or whatever other dumbass comment you’re bound to hear, about your relationship. We’re not thinking “who does what to whom?” either, if you’re worried. As soon as TJ said there was more to the engagement ring on his hand, I knew it was you. I meant when I said you made him cry, and it wasn’t all about Bucky. This isn’t for guilt, this is so you know, I _know_ how much he cares for you.”

“This is huge, Lee. I didn’t imagine, never even dreamed…” Steve’s gaze landed on TJ and Bucky, snuggled up to one another on the couch.

“You were prepared to be alone, again, still, forever.”

“Not forever.” Steve dissented as he followed Lee with hands full of empty dishes.

“You’ve loved exactly how many people? You do it with depth Steve. Depth and stoicism.”

“Four. Counting them, especially them.”

“I wasn’t exactly looking for a number,” Lee smiled, taking plates from the top of the stack in Steve’s hand and setting them into the dishwasher. “I know especially them. If you ever need somebody to talk to, I’m here. Unless you have a better confidant?”

“I have a couple of good friends, but if I ever need insight from somebody who understands them, I know I can come to you.”

“First suggestion, wake TJ first. Unless you’re planning to carry each of them up, then wait, because I want to watch.”

“You’re too much, Lee.” Steve grinned, setting the rest of the dishes on the counter. “I’m going to take your first suggestion.”

TJ woke slowly to Steve’s tender touch and soft voice. “Hey, do you think the bed will be more comfortable?”

“Mm..” TJ muttered, looking from Steve to Bucky. “Bucky, sweetheart.”

Bucky roused quicker, sitting up and apologizing, “I didn’t realize I’d gotten that tired.”

“No worries, we’re all tired. So, first awkward question.” Steve sat on the edge of the cushion near TJ’s knee. “Sleeping arrangements.”

“That’s a statement.” TJ tried to stifle a yawn. “I don’t wanna sleep alone. The bed’s big and sturdy, if you’re brave enough.”

“You think I’m going to volunteer to sleep alone after learning I don’t have to? I’m brave enough.”

Bucky chuckled and shook his head. “Let’s go up and figure this out.”

Bucky and TJ both took Steve’s offer for a hand up, TJ looked around the once messy table, “where?”

“Lee insisted on cleaning up.”

“Yes she did, you boys go get some sleep so you don’t sleep in and miss giving me a good bye hug. I’ll miss you over the next two weeks.” Lee smiled in the doorway.

“I wouldn’t miss it.” TJ melted into her for a hug, “bang pots and pans if you must. You know you’re welcome to stay.”

“Somebody’s got to cover the bar at The Dome until my shift replacement starts working, and somebody’s got to crack down on Cy and make sure he doesn’t screw up your entertainment schedule.”

“I am so glad I hired you. But I still wish you could stay.”

“You’ve got enough company right there. Good night TJ. Merry Christmas boys.”

“Merry Christmas Lee. You’re done, right?” Bucky gave Lee a tender kiss on her cheek.

“I’m done, couldn’t leave it.”

“You’re worse than him.”

“No I’m not, I used the dishwasher.” Lee teased. She stepped up to Steve, planting a quick kiss near the corner of his mouth, “Good night Steve.”

“Merry Christmas Lee, and thank you. For everything.”

She followed the trio up the stairs, watching as they went into the bedroom, all looking tired but happy.

“So, you really think this will work?” Steve asked at the foot of the bed.

“Yeah, of course. Just like when we shared the lumpy sofa bed, only this is bigger, a thousand times less lumpy, and there are three of us, no dogs.”

“Where are the dogs?” Bucky asked, wondering why he hadn’t thought to ask before.

“They headed up with Alec. I’ll bet Lee’s either shooing them off the bed, or trying to figure out how to fit around them.” TJ answered. “They might have replaced us, whaddya think of that?”

“I doubt it will last.” Bucky answered, stripping his sweater. “Fireplace or no?”

“I’ll do it, you go get ready for bed.” TJ answered, “Steve? Did your bags ever come in?”

“Yeah, I think your grandmother had Douglas put them in the closet.”

“Are you ok?” TJ crossed the space between the hearth and the bed. He put one hand on Steve’s arm. “If you’d rather, there’s another bedroom. I can always bring the dogs in, and you and Bucky…”

“No. I’m just taking it all in.” Steve’s arm slid down over TJ’s and to his waist, “Are you sure about this?”

“It’s new, but we’ll adjust.” TJ thought about how it felt to have Steve’s hand on his waist, separated by just the thin cotton of his t-shirt.

“How do you not worry about hurting Bucky? Or how do I worry about if I’m hurting you?”

“Bucky? Steve’s touching me, is that ok?” TJ called toward the bathroom, teasing, but smiling reassuringly.

“No, you can’t like each other when I’m out of the room. Only when we’re together.”

“Too late. I’m going to kiss him.” TJ pinched his lip between his teeth, trying not to giggle. “I am going to kiss you.”

Steve thought maybe that kiss would wait for Bucky, but TJ’s hand gripped the short hairs at the back of his neck and he pulled Steve to him. He smirked before his lips brushed the fullness of Steve’s lower lip. TJ was shocked by Steve opening up to him, taking charge of the kiss before he had a chance. He tasted of coffee and apple pie. His kiss was tender and bordered on hesitant, but when TJ engaged, it became powerful, pushing TJ back against the bed post.

Bucky came out of the bathroom pulling his t-shirt on over his head, “It’s awful quiet in here.” He saw why when his head cleared the neck hole. “Carry on.” His smirk was lost to the room. He saw that no progress had been made in the fireplace so he set to work lighting the fire, looking over his shoulder a couple of times to smile as he saw Steve standing over TJ who had been pushed to a seated position on the footboard. TJ’s hands were hidden beneath Steve’s shirt, but Bucky could see them roam over the expanse of muscles on Steve’s back. “Is this what it’s like then? I’m gonna work and you two are gonna goof off?” Bucky muttered with a smile as he watched the flames catch.

“I helped Lee clean up.” Steve muttered as he tried to pull away from the kiss TJ was not releasing him from. Steve’s hand rested on TJ’s neck, and his finger played with the shell of TJ’s ear as he nipped at Steve’s lip. “I tried to help.”

TJ watched as Steve stepped back, blushing. He let his hands drop from inside Steve’s t-shirt and rest on his narrow hips. “You’re just jealous.”

“You’re damned right.” Bucky said, crossing the space in half as many steps as usual, “I didn’t want to do what you said you’d do while he was doing what I wanted to do.” Bucky stood at the side of TJ’s thigh and put his hand where Steve’s had been. He pulled TJ up by the neck, and TJ followed, as Bucky’s minty breath mingled with TJ’s tinged with coffee, sweet, and slightly spicy from Steve’s apple pie kiss.

TJ’s fingers spread across Bucky’s face, feeling both his smooth cheek and evening prickle of the day’s growth. He moved his head to the left, brushing a soft kiss across Bucky’s cheek before dropping his hand to Steve’s arm. TJ watched Steve move in to take over kissing Bucky. His hand found Steve’s hair again, and scratched lightly at the crown before slipping away from the two and into the bathroom.

Bucky spared a glance toward the direction TJ moved before giving in to the kiss. They could hear the water run, and Bucky picked out the sound of TJ humming a carol. Steve linked his fingers with Bucky’s, and pulled away from the kiss, “Buck, I never imagined.” He muttered with his forehead against Bucky’s neck.

Bucky’s free hand came up to cup the back of Steve’s head, “Me neither Stevie. Not in a million years. You don’t mind this do you?”

“This? Being with you? Being with TJ? No. It’s more than I could have expected.”

TJ stepped up behind Steve, putting his arms around his narrow waist, “But not more than you deserve.” He said, kissing the soft skin at Steve’s collar. “You’re sure you two don’t want to reunite in private?”

Bucky reached for TJ’s arm and gave it a gentle squeeze, “any combination of the three of us could want some time alone in a few days, if anybody’s really up for it, but no, tonight we sleep. Tonight we’re all together.”

TJ gave Bucky a quick peck over Steve’s shoulder before kissing the pulse point on Steve’s neck. “Bathroom’s all yours cutie. If you don’t want to pull something from the closet, my drawer is the second one.”

“Cutie?” Steve’s neck was pink, and TJ grinned at Bucky before Steve turned around.

“Well, you’re pretty cute when you blush.” TJ smiled, scratching the back of his neck as he stepped back to let Steve go. “I already knew that, and you’re blushing again as proof.”

Steve stepped away, listening to Bucky’s chuckle and shaking his head, flush from the pet name, and all the affection. He wondered if the idea of sleeping was a lofty goal.

“So,” Bucky said softly as TJ melted into his arms, “You’re still ok with this?”

“You’re going to stop checking soon, right? I heard you ask Steve too, and what about you?”

“I’m asking everyone because I’m afraid to be too happy about it, if I’m being honest.”

“I’m glad you’re being honest. I don’t want you afraid of anything, especially happiness.” TJ kissed Bucky’s cheek, “I’m exhausted from the day, I’m nervous about the future, but mostly, I’m excited. You swear you two never practiced kissing? He’s good.”

Bucky laughed kissed TJ again, “He’s good.” He agreed.

TJ watched as Steve came out wearing his Star Wars pajama pants. “What is this? A super soldier who is also a Jedi? I know the whole house is safe tonight.”

“TJ’s tired.” Bucky explained as though TJ were a preschooler. TJ screwed up his face in a grimace, as Steve stepped up to the side of the bed.

“TJ’s just fine.” TJ answered, sitting on the footboard. “Steve’s wearing Star Wars pj’s I’m not supposed to comment?”

“They’re yours.” Steve grinned, laying across the bed diagonally propped on his elbow.

“Ok, yeah, I have Captain America ones too. Sue me, I’m a consumer.”

“He doesn’t?” Steve looked at Bucky.

“I’m the one who got them for him.” Bucky ducked behind TJ to avoid being seen, his blush brighter than Steve’s from earlier. “We were shopping, we were talking about you, and I grabbed them. They were his “Christmas Eve gift”.”

TJ fell backward over the footboard, resting his shoulders and head against Steve’s chest. “I didn’t know he picked them up and I was there with him. They’re comfortable.”

Steve’s fingers twitched on his hip as he thought about whether or not he should give in to the temptation to touch TJ’s hair, he looked up as Bucky rounded the corner of the bed and climbed up next to TJ and sat cross-legged facing them both. When TJ took Bucky’s hand, Steve’s fingers won the battle. TJ moved his head against Steve’s chest, seeming to enjoy the contact.

“What’s a day on the farm like without the family?” Steve asked TJ.

“Lazy. No, Bucky has a therapy appointment tomorrow, I’ll work a few hours in the office. Anything goes. If you want, afterward, you and Bucky can go into town, or you know, you can hang out in here.”

“I’ve been doing skype calls since we’ve been here. Two or three days per week.” Bucky added when Steve looked up at him. “Tomorrow’s call might be interesting.”

“Talking about our arrangement already?” TJ looked at Bucky with a tender smile. “Good plan. Prepare yourself for a possible prejudice.”

“I know how to work around that.” Bucky leaned forward, kissing TJ quickly. “I have no real reason to go to town, but if you do Steve, I’ll go with you.”

“None that I can think of. I’ll unpack and you can show me around the place.”

TJ let his eyes close, the feel of fingers in his hair, the deep timbre of Steve’s voice lulling him, as well as contact with Bucky. He heard Steve ask if he was asleep and thought he’d objected, the next thing he knew, Bucky was kissing his temple, “are you ok with the middle?”

“Hmm?” TJ yawned, almost hitting Steve as he stretched his arm.

“We’re going to bed properly now, and do you mind being in the middle. Two old soldiers, you know.”

“Oh, ok, yeah.” TJ smiled at the thought of being sandwiched between the two, not too tired to have thoughts creep through his head, even if he was too tired to act on them. He moved to the center of the bed once Steve had moved. He noticed the fire had been doused, “How long did you two make out over me while I slept?”

“Hours. You missed a lot of messy foreplay and everything.” Bucky scolded.

“Not long.” Steve answered at the same time, crawling under the covers next to TJ, then laughed at Bucky’s answer.

“One of you is lying. I don’t think it’s funny boy over here.” TJ reached for Bucky’s waistband, “kiss me for that.”

Bucky knelt on the bed, leaning across TJ to kiss Steve, “Goodnight Stevie.” And having a hard time keeping a straight face while TJ sputtered.

Steve didn’t have to keep a straight face, “Night Buck.”

Bucky settled into his spot, only a little to the right, facing TJ, and cupped his cheek. “I love you TJ. Goodnight sweetheart.”

“I love you, jackass.” TJ smiled, his cheek bumping against the heel of Bucky’s hand. “Goodnight.”

Bucky rested his forehead against TJ’s, and Steve’s arm snaked around TJ’s middle, “This is so amazing.” TJ sighed, feeling Steve’s breath lightly on his neck.

“It’s kind of weird.” Steve said quietly.

“Why?” Bucky’s voice was uncertain.

“I’ve been alone and I thought I was used to it. After all, other than those nights in your apartment with TJ, I’ve been alone for a long time. Last time I shared a bed with anyone was when we were kids.”

“Yeah, I guess that would be weird. Did I think it was weird TJ? When we started out?”

“You never said, but you liked it. You liked being touched. Still do. Steve?”

Steve pressed his lips to the back of TJ’s neck, “yeah TJ?”

“I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you stayed.”

“I’m glad too TJ.”

“I meant, I… I know it doesn’t make sense, I guess I really don’t think things through.” TJ started, then stopped when Bucky’s hand stilled on his cheek, and he looked at TJ with a reassuring smile. “Not that it matters.”

“Of course it matters, it’s making you tense, if you’ve changed your mind, this is still fresh and new territory.”

“No, I mean, not that thinking things through matters, when my heart overrules my head. I know I didn’t say it earlier, but I do love you.”

Steve’s arm tightened over TJ’s and he pressed his forehead against the curve of TJ’s neck, “I love you too TJ. You don’t have to compete, you don’t have to say it if it’s hard.”

“It was awkward. Not hard.” TJ turned onto his back, “I should have said it instead of having a personal meltdown.”

“You told your family you loved me, it’s the same thing.”

“It’s not.”

“TJ,” Bucky rested his hand on TJ’s chest, “To Steve? It’s the same thing, which means you’ll have to pay attention to what he says and to whom, because it’s the same thing, and you might miss a declaration if you’re not paying attention.”

“Nice going Buck.” Steve looked over TJ through the darkened room at Bucky.

“I’m just warning him.” Bucky replied.

“He’s right.” Steve admitted after a brief silence. “I’ll try to be more open with both of you.”

Bucky turned to face the edge of the bed and TJ wrapped around him, as they always did when Bucky faced outward. Steve curled up behind TJ, enveloping them both in his arms. “Not so weird after all.” He said quietly in TJ’s ear.

Bucky heard the soft admission and smiled. “I love you Steve.”

“Love you too Buck.”

“I love both of you saps.” TJ muttered sleepily into Bucky’s short, soft hair that still smelled fresh and clean.


	48. Chapter 48

Bucky looked around the living room of their condo, he could still catch a whiff of the smell of paint. The windows let in the morning light, and silhouetted Steve where he sat in front of one window with an easel, painting. The room was comfortably decorated, following several attempts of the three of them shopping together, a couple of arguments about going overboard, and finally meeting with Anne and having her do what she did best.

He didn’t realize he was pacing until Steve’s hand on his shoulder pulled him to a halt. “What’s wrong Buck?”

“Time’s not moving fast enough.”

“He’s been gone nearly two weeks, I understand.”

“Why did we agree to this?” While Bucky and TJ had been gone to Florida for a dock diving competition, TJ had come up with the plan to go to the next two events alone, giving Steve and Bucky time alone together.

“You know why.” Steve put his arms around Bucky’s waist from behind.

“I know what he intended, but why did we agree? I miss TJ, I miss the dogs.”

Steve peppered Bucky’s neck with kisses before resting his chin on his shoulder. “you know? I can’t watch you pace any more, let’s change the subject. Your birthday’s in a few days. TJ and I have been making big plans.”

Bucky turned in Steve’s arms with an agonizing look, “Come on Steve, I don’t want ‘ _big plans_ ’, I just want to spend it with you and TJ.”

“Too bad.” Steve’s smile was impish, “Plans have already been laid. Part of which requires us to meet TJ this afternoon.”

“Yeah, we have to pick him up from the airport and then we’re coming home.” Bucky pulled away from Steve, walking to the kitchen, “My pacing is bothering you? I’ll be baking something – cookies? Cookies sound good. Baking cookies should keep you from worrying about my pacing.”

Steve followed Bucky, his smile not fading in the least as he watched Bucky’s retreat. “We’re going to fly to meet him. He’s not coming home yet.”

“This is bad Steve. I don’t do well with large groups yet, and I know when you give me that look, and that warning ‘big plans’, I can’t Steve.”

“You can. TJ and I both have faith in you. You handled the surprise reunion for TJ like a champ Buck. You can handle this.”

“Big difference, I was surprising TJ, and I had days to psych myself up for it.” Bucky said, pulling ingredients from the pantry, “I was still a trembling mess when the time came. I can’t be “the man of the hour” or whatever, I just can’t.”

“You’re a century old in just a few days.” Steve picked up a bundle of the ingredients Bucky had just set out, and started putting them back into the pantry, “Somebody’s gotta make some kind of fuss right?”

“No.” Bucky said firmly, he blocked the pantry door for Steve’s second trip, “I’ve had more than my fair share of surprises, I just want to celebrate privately. Don’t get me started on formal attire, you can just forget about that. I can’t do a formal event, So I’m 100 in a few days. It’s not like I earned the years.”

“Exactly, Hydra stole years from your life. They took 69 birthdays away from you, give or take. Take them back Buck. You’re not going to turn 100 again any time soon.”

“Yeah, but I _can_ turn 100 again when I’m old and decrepit. Let me wait that long, and then we’ll have a big shindig, ok?”

“You don’t even know what it is that you’re refusing to enjoy. Come on, TJ’s not coming home tonight, at least let’s fly to meet him. You can _tell him_ to cancel the plans.”

“You’re evil. You don’t play fair, I’m asking you to stop this, not make me hurt TJ’s feelings.”

“You’re caving.” Steve grinned, cupping Bucky’s cheek. “Come on, let’s get to the airport. Maybe we can catch an earlier flight.”

Bucky couldn’t resist leaning into the touch, “I’m not caving. I’m going under duress.”

“We knew you’d pull that. Which is why we’re meeting TJ there instead of all going together. If TJ was here there’s no way he’d be able to stand up to your pouty face.”

“Good to know you two are getting along well enough to double-team me.”

“Something we haven’t tried yet.” Steve said with a smirk as he turned away from Bucky, but not before Bucky saw the blush. “Everything’s ready to go, come on, let’s go see our boy.”

“You admitted you’re using him to get me there, I won’t forgive you for this Steve.”

“He volunteered to be used. I don’t need your forgiveness, don’t forget your jacket.” Steve called behind him from the spare bedroom, where the bags had been hidden from Bucky.

* * *

TJ waited at the airport by the baggage claim carousel. Waiting with a calm, patient Eddie by his side, he was relieved he’d come in early and had taken Dom to the condo they were renting. Dom’s excitement in airports was enough to give him anxiety, and he was already anxious over Bucky’s reaction to their surprise.

He saw them come through the crowd of people and smiled. Eddie leaned against TJ’s leg, anticipating that the change of TJ’s energy might need his reassurance. Bucky’s pace increased, pulling ahead of Steve and the other travelers. Before TJ knew it he was engulfed in Bucky’s arms. “TJ. I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too sweetheart. I’m so glad you let Steve talk you into coming.” TJ’s voice was muffled in Bucky’s hair and neck, he breathed in the warm scent of him.

“I let him bully me into it, yeah.” Bucky said, pressing his forehead to TJ’s “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t just come home.”

“Birthday plans. All week.” TJ smiled, pulling away to look Bucky over. “I promise, none of it will hurt.”

Steve’s arms wrapped around TJ from behind, “He’s been pouty.” Steve said in TJ’s ear.

Bucky pulled away from TJ, stooping to pet Eddie, “Yeah, I have. I said I didn’t want any of this.”

“Bucky.” TJ’s hand landed softly on Bucky’s shoulder, his fingers stroked a strand of hair. “It’s not what you think. No big celebration, I promise. I mean, yeah, it’s a _big celebration of you_ , but there’s no party.”

Bucky stood up, watching Steve walk past them to the baggage carousel before looking at TJ. “I don’t understand.”

“Why would I drag you clear to Arizona for _a party_? Steve and I will tell you in the car, but I promise it’s **not** for a party. Not the kind you’re thinking of, anyway.”

“What do you want to bet he winds up helping half a dozen people?” Bucky asked, snaking his arms around TJ’s waist, not exactly convinced, but ready to be.

“No bets. You ok? I promise it’s not as bad as he’s probably led you to believe.” TJ’s hand caressed Bucky’s side absently.

“It depends, I guess. _I trust you_.” Bucky looked TJ intently in the eye, “you’ve never sprung weird surprises on me before, what gives?”

“It’s your birthday, and mine soon. Our list. It’ll all make sense, I promise. As much as Steve couldn’t tell you without me, I’m not going to tell you without him.”

“I’d better go save him from helping everybody, I’ll never find out this way.” Bucky was starting to feel more at ease, he wasn’t sure if it was being with TJ again, the encouraging talk he’d had with Steve on the flight, or the reassuring way TJ was with him now. If TJ said there was no party, and that really was the most of his concern, he was inclined to believe him. Curiosity he could handle.

TJ watched as Bucky took the one large bag from Steve, the two were talking, and Steve was smiling at the woman whose bag he had just liberated. They looked ridiculous, Steve being helpful and Bucky humoring both Steve and the woman as he tugged on Steve’s arm.

“Eddie, we might manage this surprise after all. Getting him here was half the battle.”

“So, how’s the condo?” Steve asked TJ as he approached. “Is it as nice as you’d hoped?”

“It’s great, what I saw of it when I dumped my bags in the doorway and left Dom in his crate. That was nice, the crates were all set up when I got there.”

“Don’t worry Buck, it’s just the three – I mean five – of us.” Steve said, linking an arm through Bucky’s.

“I’m not sure I’m talking to you yet.” Bucky tried to suppress a smile, “Why do I think this was all your doing?”

“It wasn’t.” TJ stepped in on Steve’s behalf. “We were both talking about your birthday, you know how hard it was to be sneaky and make plans behind your back while we were on the road together? I had to get out of bed with you to call him in the middle of the night.”

“Or you didn’t have to be sneaky and just tell me. ‘Hey your birthday’s coming up, we’re going to Arizona.’ For whatever reason.”

“Birthdays mean surprises.” TJ contested, he led them toward the door he’d entered through.

“No, they don’t. Gifts maybe, but…”

“Gifts that are hidden behind paper until they surprise the giftee.” TJ turned around to face Bucky, smiling, “This gift couldn’t be wrapped, so it had to be snuck.”

“Did you park or?” Bucky tried to change the subject, as well as wanting to just get to the condo and talk some sense into the men he loved.

“Are you kidding? I had someone drive. I was a wreck, besides, I wanted to be able to sit with you guys, talk without distractions.” TJ gestured to the SUV that was waiting “Perks. I promise I won’t go crazy with ‘em, but I couldn’t resist. Our rental car is in the garage at the condo.”

Once the bags were in the back, and Eddie settled in his spot, they all climbed into the spacious back seat, and Bucky pinned TJ and Steve, “Now, what’s this all about. I _know_ I haven’t been very gracious or thankful about this, and I’m sorry…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one this time, leading up to Bucky's birthday, which I'll post hopefully earlier in the day next Tuesday, which is just days before Bucky's Birthday!


	49. Chapter 49

“I feel like a heel.” Bucky looked around as he was led into the stadium. True to their word, on the way to their condo, Steve and TJ had told him that they were taking him to Dodgers spring training, to see some games and meet some players. The news had excited him, and he let the excitement push aside all memory of the arguments he’d made up until that moment.

Now, surrounded by the warm spring Arizona air, the excitement of fans of baseball and the team, he realized how much thought they’d put into the gift and he’d done nothing but fight them.

“Even though part of you is still screaming to ask “why couldn’t you just say “wanna go to The Dodgers spring training for your Birthday?”” Steve teased.

“Even though." Bucky pushed at Steve playfully, "I’ll thank you to get out of my head.”

TJ led them to their seats, laughing and still incredibly relieved that Bucky had relaxed almost as soon as he heard their plans. Their first night in the condo had been spent doing what they should be doing after being separated for nearly two weeks, cuddling and making love, not having disagreements about birthday surprises.

TJ was sure he'd never seen Bucky smile this much, or laugh so readily, and he had _never_ seen Steve so infatuated. He was doting on not just Bucky but TJ too. For the first time since they came home from the farm and Steve’s coming out had been brutally covered by the press, Steve seemed to be less concerned with public opinion. He was being very tactile, touching TJ’s face, his hands lingering on Bucky’s waist. He was clearly having the time of his life right along with Bucky.

The sunny mood complimented the sunny day. TJ didn’t want to push Bucky, so he gently encouraged him to go down and meet the players. Bucky declined, “Not today TJ, we’re going to be here all week, let me get a feel for things first.

“You have to do it though.” Steve urged.

“I’ll try Stevie. There’s quite a crowd down there. Maybe it’ll die down in a few days.”

“Maybe he’ll be up to it on his birthday.” TJ agreed. “No pressure, even if you don’t do it til the last day, it’s still done. If you don’t do it at all, we’ll come back next year and try again. Unless it’s not that big a deal.”

“You’ve done it before Buck. Half as big.”

“Yeah, and a tenth as old.” Bucky smiled, “I know you’re just eggin’ me on. Give modern me a chance to catch up with everything goin’ on, kay?”

“Ok Buck.” Steve promised to be good.

As TJ had speculated, and Bucky had guessed, Bucky decided to give it a shot on their third day at the stadium, which happened to be March 10th, also marking Bucky’s 100th birthday, officially. Bucky let TJ lead him to the fence and Steve followed, tugging his retro styled Brooklyn ball cap down over his forehead. He stood slouched behind TJ, trying to be less easily recognized. A couple of players recognized Bucky and TJ. Eventually, Steve was unable to remain disguised. It became a small mutual admiration society as the players signed what Steve had determined was Bucky’s autograph book from back in the day. “What? I found out where our stuff was stashed. Leave it to Peggy to consign it all to storage.”

The book almost didn’t come along today. Bucky had taken it – rather had allowed TJ to put it in the bag he’d packed – the first two days, but since he had been content to watch from their seats, Bucky had started to give up on the idea of meeting any of the players. On the way out the door that morning, TJ had stuffed it in the outer pocket of his backpack, after thumbing through the yellowed pages, noticing a little cartoon drawing on the bottom corner of every page, a flip animation, which, while they waited Steve had divulged that the art had belonged to Bucky.

TJ turned to look at Steve in his white baseball jersey with the pink sleeves, he chuckled when he realized Steve was also wearing the pink high tops he'd bought him for Valentine's Day. He was graced with a smile and a wink before turning back to watch Bucky talk stats with one of the players. TJ was the first to admit this wasn’t his team, but he could definitely sign on as a fan after the way they embraced Bucky not for who he had been but for who he was in front of them.

Bucky would have to let TJ know how much fun he was having, more fun than he thought was possible. He could vividly remember going to games with Steve, looking up to the players, not just metaphorically, but physically. Now he was the same size as many of them, both in height and breadth. However, he felt like a kid, chatting stats, laughing over a play or a dumb joke. He could see other people were in the same position he was, just enjoying the moment.

He’d thought the whole experience had been concocted by Steve and TJ, but TJ had set him straight that first day by telling him, “There’s one day coming up that we had a hand in, but it’s really pretty mellow, the rest of this? The only strings we had to pull was to be able to get in on such short notice.”

Bucky had given in to trusting Steve and TJ, so he didn’t bother asking about the ‘day coming up’. “Hey, who’s getting the beer this time?” Bucky asked as the players disbursed.

“I’ll get them.” TJ hooked his arm over Bucky’s shoulder. “Happily. How’s the birthday boy? It’s official today you know.”

“I know.” Bucky kissed TJ’s jaw, “The birthday _boy_ is now a birthday _old man_. Ancient TJ.”

“Yeah, simply falling apart. You warm enough gramps? Where's your hoodie?” TJ tugged Bucky’s Brooklyn Cyclones cap down over his forehead, “anybody give you crap about your Mets affiliated minor league team yet?”

“It's a Brooklyn team, they don't wanna tangle with a couple o’ kids from Brooklyn.” Bucky turned his cap backward and kissed TJ firmly. He heard a few remarks but chose to ignore them, snaking an arm across Steve’s waist instead. “Right Stevie?”

Steve also heard the comments and wondered how both TJ and Bucky handled it. He was having more trouble with the way people were behaving than he ever thought he would. He learned to follow Bucky’s and TJ’s lead and ignore the ugly words. The press had been ruthless when they’d gotten home from the farm. With no information at all, there were assumptions made, which was fine, they’d never intended to hide the truth, but the lewd comments that they faced all the time anymore had actually brought tears to Steve’s eyes. He was relatively certain he had hidden the pain from TJ, but he wasn’t quite so sure he’d been as successful with Bucky.

Steve felt Bucky’s arm tighten and looked up to his smiling face. “Nobody wants to tangle with us Buck.”

“Besides, you’re the one who stuck with the home team TJ. Feeling out of place yet?”

“I’m always out of place somewhere.” TJ grinned. “As long as I’m with you two, I don’t ever feel that way.”

They found their seats, and while TJ left to get refreshments, Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve’s waist, “You ok? You looked a little flush back there?”

“I’m fine. How are you handling those comments?”

“Comments? Oh, you mean the weirdos who don’t like when I kiss you or TJ? Those comments?”

“Yeah, those. There was a time you could deck someone for starting trouble.”

“There was a time we could be jailed or killed for doing this. I’m not going to let them mess with my day, you and TJ are my life, they are just voices in the crowd. Honestly Steve? They’re not even the worst voices I hear, they’re easy to ignore. There will never be a day that those voices are louder than the voices of my victims.”

“That’s one way to look at it.” Steve frowned, "Not a very good way..."

“It’s been eating at you. You want to fight back but you haven’t figured out how yet, am I right?”

“You’re going to say something about living happily in their faces, aren’t you?”

“I wasn’t.” Bucky chuckled, leaning in to kiss Steve, “but I like your line of thinking.”

For the first time in public, Steve kissed Bucky. It was a tender, quick kiss, but it would also prove to be a very popular photograph.

Bucky stood up to help TJ when he returned with food in his bag and drinks in hand. “Hey, you didn’t get anything for you?” He held both beer cups so that TJ could sit down.

“Really cheap bottled water that actually cost an arm and a leg,” TJ said, pulling the bottled water from his backpack, followed by a couple of stuffed brown paper bags, “not only that, a bag of dogs and what have you. I learned on day one to bring paper bags, there’s no way to carry food for the three of us without putting it _in something_.”

“You should have said something –“ Steve corrected himself mid thought, “we should have thought to come along.”

“Nah, I volunteered. You guys can go next time.” TJ’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He set the bag his dog and fries were in on Steve’s leg, and looked at the phone, “Look at you two.”

Steve looked at the phone, seeing a picture of him and Bucky mid-smooch. “Who sent you that?” He was alert, looking around to see who might have snapped the shot.

“Dougie sent it. You guys are trending on twitter, and I missed it. Look how cute you are.”

“It’s ok Stevie, look at the picture, we’ll deal with any negative fallout later. I’m kind of interested in seeing what positive things could come of it instead.”

“Who are you and where did you put Bucky?” Steve asked with a reluctant grin.

“You look distressed Steve,” after pocketing his phone, TJ set his hand on Steve’s thigh, “what’s wrong?”

“I’m still getting used to being on this end of things. Things I can’t do anything about, like pictures of something priv... I guess it’s not private if I’m doing it in front of people.”

“PDA hasn’t been your strong suit.” TJ smiled fondly. “It’s ok. It’s also ok if it’s not your thing, but people will take pictures, and people will have something to say, whether it’s good or bad.”

“I know, and it was painless, so I’d like to keep giving it a shot.” Steve looked at TJ, his cheeks warm and his eyes gleaming.

TJ’s thumb brushed Steve’s plump bottom lip before he planted a less than chaste kiss on him, nothing Steve couldn’t handle, but maybe a little something extra for whichever budding photojournalist might be watching, and for himself of course.

Bucky caught the paper sack with TJ’s food in it as it toppled off of Steve’s leg, “You guys are missing the game.” He muttered through a bunch of fries. He knocked his forearm against Steve's shoulder distractedly.

TJ smiled into the kiss, laughing when Steve said “He’s just jealous.” Against his lips.

They parted and TJ took his lunch from Bucky with a big grin. “I love you guys.”

Moments later, another text from Douglas buzzed TJ’s pocket. “Let me guess, more pictures, maybe a lecture.”

“Douglas needs to chill.” Bucky said around a mouthful of hot dog. “We don’t have to answer to anybody.”

“He’s being an ass.” TJ rolled his eyes. He showed Steve and Bucky the picture. “If he thinks telling me about how quickly we’re trending is going to change my mind, I’ve got news for him.”

“It wouldn’t be hard to pinpoint the source.” Steve’s voice was serious.

“You kidding? and deprive us of some of the cutest pictures we’ll ever get? Hell no.” TJ chuckled, “I’m thinking of other kisses and goofy things we could do and get free, not terrible pictures for Bucky’s 100th.”

“Other things?” Bucky asked, suddenly wary.

“Goofy, not pornographic.” TJ reassured them both. “Although…”

“No.” They both said with differing inflection, Bucky’s was amused and Steve’s was almost desperate.

“You two are cute. Scoot, I want to be in the middle for this.”

“For what?” Steve asked, requiring an answer before moving.

“Calm down cutie.” TJ patted Steve’s knee, “Just more kissing. I was kidding. I wouldn’t ever do something to embarrass you or upset you just to poke at Dougie. You come first. Both of you. Bucky’s right, we’re missing some good plays. I think.”

Steve switched TJ places and turned his focus to the game. Of course TJ would do anything to both sooth his acute wariness as well as lighten the mood. Self-preservation was a well honed skill for TJ, he would use it to shield not only himself, but “his boys”. Steve had never been _protected_ before. Defended, sure, but protection was new to him. He didn’t need it, but it sure was nice to _have it_.

TJ thought about Steve’s reaction to the pictures, Steve was on duty and though it made him smile, it worried him. TJ was pretty sure it wasn’t out of regret, but there was the tiniest lingering doubt. Their relationship was still new, feelings were definitely growing, and he was sure that doubt would fade.

TJ smiled fondly over Bucky and Steve as they rooted and cheered, as they jeered and booed with the other fans. He’d really thought that his mother and grandmother's surprise with Bucky’s homecoming had been the best surprise ever, but surprising Bucky  _clearly_ topped that by miles. Just seeing the two men he loved this happy was enough to weather whatever negative comments were filling twitter right now.

The sun was relentless on the crowd of people watching the game, but nobody minded. Especially not Bucky and Steve. Well,mostly. Bucky did tug TJ’s hat out of the side pocket of his bag at one point and plopped it onto TJ’s head, kissing his nose before settling the hat more securely. “You’re gonna burn.” Was all he’d said, but that action warmed TJ more than the sun ever could.

After the game, TJ sat between Steve and Bucky while the rest of the seats cleared. Bucky looked at him expectantly, but when neither Steve or TJ moved, he closed his eyes, rubbed his hands on his sweatpants and sighed. “Dare I ask what we’re waiting for?”

“We’re going to grab a bite, we’re just waiting for the rest of our party.” Steve smiled, looking from TJ to Bucky and back to the field.

“Party meaning party of six, not party as in birthday balloons.” TJ clarified quickly. “Some of the players are taking you out. It’ll be chill. I promise.”

Bucky wasn’t sure what to make of the whole thing. He was pretty sure this was the “extra” TJ had warned him about and it made sense to do a little extra for his actual birthday, he supposed. He rested his head on TJ’s shoulder, preparing himself for whatever came of it. It was just a couple of people, he’d already enjoyed talking to some of them. “Ok.”

“Is that agreement without coercion?” TJ teased, tugging Bucky’s hat off and kissing the top of his head. “If it’s ever too much, we already have our signal.”

“I know.” Bucky smiled up at TJ, “Thank you guys for all of this. I’m sorry I gave you so much guff at the start. I should have known that wasn’t how you guys operate.”

“You know my family, you were right to be afraid. when my mother broached the subject of a big party, I told her we were going to be gone, and she tried to tell me I’d be hurting Nana’s feelings. Afterward, Steve and I had to brainstorm what to actually do.”

“We did have a couple of ideas we had been bouncing around, but when TJ heard something about spring training on the news, those ideas were toast.” Steve added.

“Do I want to know what other kinds of ideas you were entertaining?”

“Going to New York for a weekend. We almost ruled out travel because of all of the traveling with the dogs, but this was worth an extra week away from home.” TJ confessed.

“This was inspired TJ.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple. “Maybe they’re not coming – maybe we freaked them out.”

“Now how would we do that?”

“Maybe it’s the trending photos – maybe they’re not too keen on hanging with queers.” Steve offered, TJ knew he was trying to tease, but he heard the tiny catch in Steve’s voice.

“Maybe they’re excited about the prospect.” TJ waggled his brows before wrapping his arms around Steve and kissing his neck. “Relax. You know better than most what it’s like to have to get out of all the trappings of work and shower off the grime. Should we check the trending pictures and see what kind of good things we can find? I guarantee we’re not going to have to slog through a bunch of negatives. I know how to skip right over that shit.”

“If it entertains you.” Steve smiled, finding relief in TJ’s laid back attitude. “I’m not this guy, you know? Timid isn’t what I do.”

Bucky laughed outright, “You got that right, but Stevie? Maybe it’s ok, sometimes.”

“I guess. I’m not ashamed, it’s just the response hasn’t been as clear cut as I thought it would be.”

“Yeah, if you and Bucky had gone off together, it would be more clear cut, this – what we have – it’s on the outside. People still don’t get it. To them, we’re freaks, we’re doing something sleazy.”

“We’re selfish and depraved. Look at us, going to Spring Training and kissing a few times. Did you see the couple a few rows down in the next section? and _we_ were getting looks.” Bucky scoffed, “We understand Steve.”

TJ grinned at Bucky’s animated response as he pulled up the latest texts from Douglas, which, as he’d hoped, included hashtags to look at versus hashtags to avoid. “Good ole Dougie, he must be really bored.” There were a lot of great supportive poly family and ‘support polyamory’ tweets, congratulating all of them. People sharing their own pictures in support. TJ skimmed past replies that sucked, and showed Steve and Bucky a bunch of the good replies. “Just the extremists are loudest, and ugliest. You know that. Remember it’s no different this time Steve.”

“I know, and I don’t want you guys to worry. I’m dealing with it, and I’m not running scared either.”

“Doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it together.” Bucky offered, “too many years of not talking. It’s ok to say you’re not handling it and we _both promise_ not to always respond with uplifting things.”

“Yeah, he’s right. I promise, I’ll say “it does suck” a little more often.” Over Steve’s shoulder, TJ saw the players they were waiting on coming toward their aisle, getting ready to come up to their seats. “No more waiting.”

Bucky was on his feet before TJ finished, and Steve rose quickly as well, greeting the players and shaking hands. TJ remembered one of the players from some party a couple of years back, and of course all three from the way they’d laughed with Bucky earlier. TJ was hopeful that going out to dinner, celebrating Bucky’s birthday with a couple of players would help Steve cope with how he was feeling. Better yet, forget to worry about it.

He wasn’t exactly ready for the number of times _he_  might have to reassure people it was ok, or try to convince them _it wasn’t hard_ being around _all this booze_. He was sure it wouldn’t be _hard_ , maybe not _easy_ , but the hard part was always the awkward conversation. He needn’t have worried, forgetful that they were actually professionals starting the season – not out partying.

When one of the players did mention the bar thing, Bucky spoke up, “We spent the better part of last spring in a bar and TJ manages a club, so he not only knows the best non-alcoholic beverages to order, TJ’s become quite the food connoisseur, especially since our friend and neighbor is a chef.” Good ole Bucky, he knew food was a good diversionary topic, even people who don’t cook love to eat, most of the time.

Their table was raucous. Laughter replaced drinking as they traded stories. They all teased and joked with their server and Steve and Bucky had the players, true ball fans, captivated by stories of meeting and seeing some of the greats play. These guys didn’t care about their familial arrangement, they didn’t care that Steve used to be Captain America, or that Bucky was history's greatest assassin. They were having a grand time with fellow baseball fans, fans of the game, not just of themselves.

TJ’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, excusing himself. Bucky watched as TJ left the table to answer the call, hoping he was enjoying himself too.

        “Hey Dougie, yeah. I got them, we were at the game still, but…”

        “Sounds like a party, and you wouldn’t let mom and Nana have one.” Doug teased.

        “No, it’s – we’re in a bar, that’s all. A few of the players, Bucky and Steve. I figured a table for six was a lot more tolerable than a formal shindig to make Mom look good. Besides, Bucky nearly bailed on these plans.”

        “I guess I can understand that. A bar huh?”

        “Ok, listen, it’s more like a pub, and the players picked. If you must know, my table is the one with the least booze in the place. I think the guys bought Bucky and Steve each a lager. Jesus why am I defending this? I’m in a pub celebrating my fiancé’s 100th birthday. If I was on a _wine and booze cruise_ you could still shut it.”

        “Yeah, you’re right. So, if you want to keep the birthday happy, steer clear of the internet and news. There might be a few ugly people outside the stadium over the next couple of days too, protesting your – I mean “Captain America’s” _chosen_ _lifestyle_.”

        “Shit, yeah, ok. I’ll warn them. I’m sure it could get ugly. So, is this a concerned brother call, or a paranoid mother-induced call?”

        “Both. But I did want you to be aware. I know Steve’s still getting used to the press, coming out didn’t go the way he’d expected.”

        “He’s getting better.” TJ smiled, looking across to their table. Steve’s hand was over Bucky’s on the table as everyone laughed at something he’d missed. “Just took a little at a time. It’s hard, I think, wanting to defend me and Bucky, wanting to keep his private life private, and wanting to branch out a little. He didn’t do it to be the queer poster boy, and I can’t imagine what it must really be like for him. Bucky embraced it early, like he just accepted it as part of recovered memories, Steve kind of had things blossom on him in the middle of everything else, unexpectedly.”

        “I’m glad he didn’t decide to deny you and Bucky, you deserve better than a closeted life TJ. I’m also proud of you, glad you’re being patient with him.”

        “You’re saying he did it for me, maybe before he was ready.”

        “You’re not just discovering this are you?”

        “Maybe. A little. I’ve been discovering a lot about him, he’s more sensitive than he lets on. Hey, Dougie? Thanks for the heads up. I think I’ll mention it to the players, maybe they can call the ball field or something.”

        “Anything for my brothers. You take care of yourself too, not just them.”

        “I’ve been doing exactly that. Hey, I’ve got another call. I’ll tell Bucky you send your best.”

        “You do that. I’ll tell mom you’re all having the time of your lives, it sounds like you are.”

        “It feels like we are.” TJ smiled, “Bye Dougie.

TJ switched calls, picking up Lee’s with a grin, “Hey sweetheart.”

        “Hey nothing. I see you out there kissing boys. Tell Bucky to answer his phone, or better yet, put yours in his hand.”

        “Somethin’ wrong?”

        “Yeah, I can’t tell him Happy Birthday if he won’t talk to me.”

        “Ok, hang on. He’s entertaining the team.”

        “What? You dirty… Fine.” Lee sputtered, and TJ laughed, heading back to the table.

        “Guys, if I could interrupt. Bucky, Lee insists I give you my phone.”

        “Oh?” Bucky looked up, smiling and adorable. He took the phone, “Hey gorgeous.”

        “Hey yourself. Happy birthday. How dare you have fun without me.”

        “Blame Steve and TJ. Thanks Lee.”

        “But you _are_ having _fun_?”

        “It’s our secret. Don’t tell them.” Bucky said with a wink to TJ.

        “I hear you’re entertaining company, don’t let me keep you. I just wanted to say I love you. Happy birthday again, you’ll have to come to me for your gift.”

        “Meet me halfway. Pick us up at the airport at the end of the week.” Bucky’s smile was tender, “I miss you Lee.”

        “I’m sure this is the first time you’ve thought of me. Have TJ send me the flight info and I’ll be there.”

“You got a girlfriend in addition to all this?” one of the guys asked, half teasing  when Bucky ended the call.

“Nah, she’s family.” Bucky leaned across to tuck TJ’s phone into TJ’s back pocket. “She’s been trying to reach me to give me birthday wishes.”

“So, Douglas called first,” TJ looked at the players, “He’s my brother. Seems there’s likely to be a protest outside the stadium tomorrow, thanks to yours truly and his host of boyfriends. Do you guys know who I can get in touch with at the stadium to warn them?”

“Hey, I’ll handle that. I just need to make two phone calls.” One player said, pulling out his phone. “What’s the big deal anyway? Fucking conservatives.”

TJ laughed, “Thanks man. I don’t think it’ll do much except push them to the sidewalk or whatever, but your fans don’t need that garbage in their faces.”

“You think we should stay away?” Bucky asked, concerned.

“Hell no, I mean we could to see the other split game tomorrow, shake things up a little. But we’re not running from this garbage. We are stronger than that.”

“He’s right Buck. Running won’t stop them; we’ll keep to the plan.”

“Calls made. I can guarantee you they’ll be shown where to protest. If you guys want to avoid the craziness, you can come in with us.”

“I’ll let you know if we need that.” TJ smiled gratefully, “Thanks, I’m really more concerned about your other fans. We’re kinda used to it.”

“How is that possible? We put up with a lot of garbage but nothing like that? You don’t get  desensitized do you?”

“No, you’re right. It’s more survival, I guess, find a fixed point to focus on, and don’t let the other things in your line of sight. Recite a mantra in your head to block out the aural assault, or if you’re damned lucky, wear earphones.” TJ’s smile was tired. “I know one thing, this will die down. Something else will take its place. We just have to be stronger until it does.”

“Hate to end a great night on a down note, but we’ve got to get going. Curfew’s coming up. Come say ‘Hi’ tomorrow, and Happy Birthday again Bucky. You too TJ, Bucky said its in a few days.”

“Thanks, next week actually. That’s just my fiancé trying to deflect some of the attention.” TJ rubbed Bucky’s shoulder. “Thank you for dinner, that was supposed to be on me.”

“Any time. This was the greatest, it’s been so cool hanging out with you guys, hearing your stories.”

“Oh, I feel the same.” Bucky said, standing and shaking each man’s hand. “Thank you for sharing your own stories, and for entertaining a couple of old men.”

The players all laughed as Bucky winked, they shook TJ’s hand and Steve’s before filing out.

“That was fun.” TJ said with a sigh, “There’s cake at home. Should we go bust into it?”

“You bet.” Bucky kissed TJ on the cheek loudly. If TJ didn’t know better, he’d have said Bucky was buzzed.

“Happy?”

“Yup.” Bucky snaked one arm around TJ’s waist and the other around Steve’s “You guys happy?”

“I’m very happy.” TJ returned Bucky’s noisy kiss and grabbed his hoodie from the back of his chair.

“Yeah Buck.” Steve answered after getting an extended look from Bucky, “I’m happy. Don’t I look happy?”

“You look like a guy who hasn’t had any cake yet.” Bucky laughed, “or enough kissin’.”

“Yeah?” Steve was a tired guy who had let all of the judgment get to him, thinking about negative internet problems he knew TJ wasn’t showing them, not willing to pull his own phone out to prove it, and now the protests had followed them. “You’re right. I haven’t had enough kissin’.

Bucky grinned into the initial roughness of the kiss, and tightened his left arm across Steve’s waist, giving into Steve’s assault. There was a brutality there that Bucky hadn’t dealt with before, pent up frustration and a public fuck-off. Bucky encouraged it, clashing teeth and tongues, letting the aggression dissipate into softness.

Steve wasn’t done, he grabbed TJ by the jacket and kissed him, much less fiercely, but with an equal passion. TJ kissed back, realizing Steve had exactly zero fucks left to give over PDA, he teased him mercilessly before pulling away, laughing. “I love you two so much.” TJ chuckled, gripping Steve’s square jaw in one hand, planting another loud kiss on his lips. “Let’s go home.”

…

TJ dragged Steve and Bucky through the door by their jackets, as they couldn’t be bothered to separate from their kiss while TJ unlocked the condo. “Come on you two, I swear, two fucking teenagers. You're not 99 and 100, you’re both 16 and horny as hell.”

Bucky had to pull away from Steve to laugh at the amused words coming out of TJ’s mouth. The mouth that had really kept things going from the pub to the condo. He didn’t want to imagine what the driver thought, driving the three of them five short, but probably very unendurable, miles. “You’re one to talk.”

“Hey, you came up for air.” TJ jumped backward to avoid Bucky’s reach. “Are we all able to be safe around a cake knife and candles for just a few little minutes?”

“Go let the dogs out, and I’ll get the cake together.” Steve offered. He knew if TJ and Bucky took them out, things would cool down long enough for at least presenting the cake.

“How did we end up with a cake?” Bucky asked as he followed TJ to the bedroom where the dogs were anxiously, very well behaved, but excitedly waiting.

“Unfortunately, we made so many plans, baking one wasn’t in the cards.” TJ sounded apologetic, “But I found a small local bakery and ordered it, had it delivered, and was lucky enough that the dog sitter agreed to meet the delivery when she came by to take them to the dog park.”

“You’d make a great parent TJ.” Steve said as they brought the dogs out into the main living area.

“Yeah, talk to me in about five years.” TJ chuckled. “thanks for the compliment though.”

Steve watched them head outside, placing the three number candles so that they said “100” and not “oo1” as he’d laid them out absently. As he pulled out the dog’s food and bowls, he thought back to the bar, the support from the players, and the subsequent kissing. He’d finally broken the PDA barrier he’d unwittingly put up.

Reminded of the fact, Steve pulled out his phone to see multiple missed messages from Sam and Natasha. He decided to continue on his mission to find a more realistic cross section of responses than what TJ had shown them, and go back to his messages afterward. He figured it would be a reward for what he was about to see.

The negativity wasn’t any more vitriolic than it had been from day one, what surprised him was just how much it was outnumbered by posts more like those TJ had shared. The overwhelming support was a definite balm to the ugly and disgusting accusations. Steve closed his eyes to one tweet, likening them to animals, and swiped to his messages.

From Sam he got “Tell Barnes happy birthday.” And “don’t listen to the hate” along with “I’m coming to visit you when you’re back in town. You have to tell me when you’re back, don’t let those two distract you. You have to answer me sometime.”

Natasha’s messages offered her own brand of support, “Whose ass do I have to kick?” “Are you ok?” “Don’t forget to read the positive stuff.” And the one that made him laugh, “You look cute kissing boys.”

Steve shot back a reply: “Any wonder you couldn’t hook me up?”

Nat: “Yeah, that’s something you could have told me. :) Tell Barnes Happy Birthday”

Steve: “You could tell him yourself.”

Nat: “You tell Sam that?”

Steve chuckled before responding: “I answered you first.”

Nat: “As you should.”

Steve thought he’d give it another try: “We’re about to have cake, it’s the perfect time for you to send Buck a message.”

Nat: “I did. Through you. Enjoy. Kiss your boys some more.”

Steve had just enough time to send Sam a reply, “Tell him yourself. We’ll be back in a few days. Come any time, you can use the spare room.”

TJ and Bucky came in, laughing, and released the dogs to their food bowls. Once they were done, they’d send the dogs to their beds, soft cushions that were aligned near the furniture in the living room and matched the décor.

Steve scratched Eddie’s rear, getting smacked by his tail as he ate. “Nat says to tell you happy birthday. I’m trying to convince Sam he can do it himself.”

“I’ll consider it said.” Bucky smiled as he sat on the sofa, “Nat huh? I didn’t know she knew.”

“I mentioned it the other day. You ever going to tell her about you two?”

“Nah, I’d rather she remembered on her own. I’m not one for forced memories, although, I’ll thank you anyway. If she were doing something destructive, like I had been, of course I’d try to jog some memories, but not that. I know how hard it was for me to hearing that you and I had some kind of bond, if you were shoving love down my throat, it would have been that much worse.”

“Gee, great birthday conversation.” TJ leaned over and kissed Bucky, “I think we need cake to sweeten things.”

“Blame him.” Bucky squeezed TJ’s thigh before TJ got up to go to the kitchen. “I’m done, sorry TJ.”

“Don’t be, I’m getting used to it.” TJ’s smile was reassuring and soft. He knew things cropped up from time to time, and usually it was conversational and they moved past it. “This cake looks promising. I seem to recall a much better one. Don’t blame me if it’s not as good. We’ll just have to make it up next week.”

“I’ve already found and tried the recipe for your birthday. The cupcakes were well received at the shelter too. So, you’re on, we’re definitely baking your cake.”

“Steve will have to join in the fun, and just maybe, we can teach him the alternate uses for icing.”

“Alernate?” Steve asked as he lit the candles.

“He doesn’t have to wait for your birthday TJ, not when we have this cake right here waiting for a demonstration.”

TJ dimmed the lights with a grin following Steve to the living room, serenading Bucky by singing the Beatles birthday song. Bucky shook his head, smiling. When TJ finished and Bucky was flanked on the sofa with Steve on his right and TJ on his left, he took a deep  breath. “Thank you. I’m relieved you didn’t go the hundred candles route. If I remember right, I’m supposed to make a wish. I’m not sure anything could be better than what I have now. Wait, I know.” Bucky paused, he wished hard for more tolerance and for fewer ugly words thrown at them, and then he blew out the candles.

“Did you make a wish or fake it?” TJ asked, putting his chin on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I made a wish. I remembered there was something that could make all this better, and it’s going to take wishes and magic and all sorts of things.”

“I think I know what he wished.” Steve said to TJ behind Bucky, his breath caressing Bucky’s neck. He kissed Bucky on the cheek. “Happy birthday Buck. I hope it comes true.”

“Happy birthday sweetheart.” TJ hugged Bucky and kissed his other cheek. ‘You get to cut the cake.”

“You do that every time.” Bucky chuckled, taking the knife from Steve.

“I’ll have to when it’s my turn.” TJ conceded. “Are you glad you came to Arizona yet?”

“I’ve been glad for days, this has been great.”

“We should do it every year.” Steve suggested, holding a plate for the first slice. “It would be a good tradition, we haven’t set any of those yet.”

“I’m going to suggest that the farm at Christmas and Spring Training for Bucky’s birthday become our first official family traditions.”

“Speaking of family.” Bucky started, dishing up the second slice, “You said five years, are you serious?”

“You want kids?” TJ’s look of shock concerned Bucky.

“I – the thought was planted, it sounded normal… I mean…”

“No, Bucky, you’d be a great dad. I just didn’t know that was something you wanted. Steve? You suggested it, are you open to it?”

“Bucky and I used to – occasionally – mention when we had kids, they’d play together and get into scrapes together, so yeah, it’s normal. I hadn’t given it much thought after everything, but I think within five years, we would all be able to adjust to the idea.”

“I think five years’ worth of therapy might get me close, but yeah, we started with dogs, I can manage that, so yeah I’d like to be a dad.”

“First we’ve got to get Steve off the hook.”

“Oh, that’s done.” Bucky hurried to say, a bite of cake still in his mouth, “he didn’t tell you?”

They both looked at Steve expectantly.

“I was going to tell you. It was a long, boring, video call that culminated in people surprising me.”

“High profile people who were not my parents or the king of Wakanda?”

“Tony stepped up. He spoke on  my behalf and even Bucky’s in case anybody was tempted to press charges for Leipzig.”

“Steve might have gotten misty eyed.” Bucky said softly, setting his plate on the coffee table and squeezing Steve’s knee.

TJ watched Steve’s features soften and flood pink. “It was an emotional moment. Your fiancé delights in giving me shit.”

“So now he’s mine?” TJ rested his hand on Bucky’s thigh, “How many days ago was this?”

“The morning before we came out here. Getting this one to Arizona was a higher priority.”

“No.” TJ shook his head, “In case you didn’t know? These little surprise trips, they’re nothing compared to having both of you completely free.”

“He’s right Steve.” Bucky nodded. He put his arm across Steve’s shoulders, “I’d give any of this if we had to choose.”

“Well we don’t.” Steve’s voice sounded almost petulant, but TJ knew it was humility and possibly a touch of embarrassment.

“Right,” TJ leaned back against the couch, balancing his empty cake plate on his leg, “we don’t. So how does it feel?”

“It’s nice. I mean it’s pretty stupid that it happened at all.”

Maybe there was a little petulance in there after all, TJ thought. “I agree. So, free man? I’m really not going to let your bland acceptance darken my mood.”

“Free.” Steve’s smile was reluctant. “I love you TJ.”

“I know.” TJ winked.

“I don’t know about you two, but I’m going to take a cue from those two lazy sacks of bones.” Bucky stretched. “This centenarian is feeling his age.”

“Very funny.” TJ rubbed Bucky’s back. “But you have a good plan.”

“With years comes wisdom.” Bucky stood up, “Thank you for the cake, it was perfect.”

TJ shook his head, smiling, “So, are you too tired for what you suggested? Icing and all that?”

Bucky picked up the remaining cake with a smile, “Not too tired, as long as I don’t have to do all the work.”

“What if I tell you that you don’t have to do a thing? It’s your birthday after all.”

Steve watched them tease one another, enjoying the lightness and laughter TJ brought to Bucky’s life.

“Stevie? You with us?” Bucky called from the bedroom doorway.

“You know I am.” Steve rose from the sofa, and looked at the dogs, “You guys stay out here huh?”

Neither dog moved, Dom followed Steve with his soulful two-colored eyes and sighed.

“I know. Tomorrow we’ll take you out.” Steve promised.

He was greeted on the other side of the bedroom door with kisses from both TJ and Bucky. He was pressed against the door as it closed, before he knew what was going on. Bucky kissed his neck and jaw, while TJ assaulted his mouth.

Steve let them cover him with kisses, twining his fingers in Bucky’s hair and wrapping his hand loosely around the back of TJ’s neck. “It’s Bucky’s birthday, not mine.” He managed between kisses.

Bucky found his mouth, “then kiss me Stevie.”

TJ smiled, nipping Steve’s ear before moving around to Bucky’s other side. Steve pulled Bucky against him and TJ ran his hands up the back of Bucky’s shirt, kissing the back of Bucky’s neck.

Bucky was surrounded, the press of bodies against him was warm and comforting. He held Steve’s neck with one hand and reached behind him, pulling TJ closer, with the other, gripping TJ’s ass as TJ rocked against him.

“We should take this to the bed.” Bucky managed when Steve moved from his lips to his neck and he suspected TJ and Steve had started kissing over his shoulder.

“Mmm-hm.” TJ wrapped his arm around Bucky’s middle and pulled him toward the bed, walking them backward. Bucky grasped Steve’s wrist and tugged him along. “One of these days you guys are gonna appreciate something a lot less traditional than a bed.”

“You cooking up ideas Hammond?” Bucky asked in challenge, turning around and pushing TJ over onto the oversized mattress. “By the way, have I asked you about this monstrosity of a bed yet? Why don’t we have one?”

“It is fucking huge.” TJ laughed, pulling Bucky over with him. “We’ll have to see about ordering one. Maybe we can move ours into Steve’s room.”

“Steve doesn’t have a room, TJ won’t let him sleep in it.” Steve contributed, pouncing onto the bed from the opposite side, kissing TJ’s forehead. “Not that I’m complaining. What _is_ this bed though?”

“This place is owned by a very large basketball player. He needs a very large bed.”

“We’re three not very small people, _we need_ a very large bed.” Steve agreed with Bucky.

“Well, now that you’re on speaking terms with Mr. Richie Rich, AKA Tony Stark, maybe you can pull some strings.” TJ grinned upside down at Steve, reaching up for his neck as Bucky stripped TJ of his pants, kissing his abs and hip bones.

Steve let TJ pull him in for an upside down kiss, as awkward as it was fun, “You’re kidding right?”

“Of course.” TJ smirked against Steve’s lips, then gasped as Bucky’s lips found his cock. “I’m not complaining here, Bucky, but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be in my place.”

“It’s my birthday TJ.” Bucky replied, darting his tongue out and along the underside of TJ’s arousal. “Stevie, you got anything to say?”

“I’m going to keep TJ occupied,” Steve kissed TJ’s swollen mouth, “Any requests?”

TJ wasn’t sure how he could blush, with all the blood rushing to his cock, but his face still felt warm. “You asking me or Bucky?”

“You, of course.”

“Well, since you’re asking, you _are_ wearing far too much in the clothing department. Take ‘em off Steve.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” Steve said as he tossed his shirt over his head and across the room, before unbuttoning his jeans. “You never call Bucky “Buck” and you never call me “Stevie”. Why’s that?”

“They’re… um…” TJ struggled as Bucky’s tongue withdrew and he could feel Bucky’s breath cooling his skin, “your pet names for each other.”

Steve’s abs recoiled when TJ’s fingers tickled them as he reached over his head to touch Steve. Steve slid his jeans down over his thighs and tugged them off, one leg at a time. “Ok, stripped as ordered.” Steve grinned, making eye contact with Bucky as Bucky took TJ’s length into his warm mouth.

“Closer.” TJ managed, gripping Steve’s thighs and trying to pull him closer to his head. Steve walked across the space on the bed on his knees, straddling TJ’s head as TJ directed.

TJ was impressed not only with the man’s body, which he’d become quite familiar with, but with his readiness to do this. The exhibitionist was coming out, and TJ loved it. He lifted his head and placed a kiss on the tender inside of Steve’s thigh before pressing firm kisses on the warm skin of Steve’s perineum. Steve’s thigh muscles contracted under TJ’s hands, and TJ groaned as Bucky brought him close to the edge. The sound vibrated against Steve’s body causing his legs to involuntarily clench against TJ’s temples.

TJ slung his leg over Bucky’s shoulder, fucking his mouth, Bucky gripped TJ’s hips, digging his fingers into the meat of his ass. He looked up and saw Steve astride TJ’s face, stroking himself, dripping onto TJ’s neck and chest. His own arousal dampened his jeans. Not breaking eye-contact with Steve’s lidded baby blues, Bucky wrung TJ to his climax.

Engulfed in wet heat, TJ flung his head back down against the bed, breathing heavy and laughing, he looked up to see Steve’s ass clenched and felt the warm drizzle over his chest as Steve reached his own orgasm. He tapped Steve’s leg and sat up, first kissing Bucky’s red, shiny lips and then pressed his messy, naked body against Steve’s and kissed him sloppily. “You should have said something sweetheart.”

Steve’s fingers buried in TJ’s hair as he kissed back, the two of them falling to the bed in a tangle of limbs. Bucky, as the only one still wearing clothes, stripped out of his jeans and climbed onto the bed, finding an opening between their legs, he leaned over to join the kissing, “I’m saying something. So, which one of you is going to take care of this?”

TJ didn’t give Steve a chance to answer, pushing away from him quickly and offering Bucky his spot. He knelt reverently between Bucky’s legs and watched as Steve kissed Bucky’s lips. Bucky kissed back but watched as TJ licked the precome from his tip, swirling his tongue around the tender skin. He held him firmly and took his length, practiced strokes teased Bucky’s cock. TJ watched Steve cover Bucky’s chest with kisses, he saw his tongue stroke Bucky’s nipple, he timed his strokes with Steve’s, and welcomed Bucky’s impatient thrusts and noisy cursing.

Steve praised Bucky’s verbal outburst as he came, so what TJ heard were Bucky’s “Fuck. Fuck, Oh fuck yes, God, TJ you’re amazing,” and Steve’s “Tell him Buck, that’s right baby.” TJ grinned as he pulled off, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I’m ready for some cake, how about you two?”

Bucky’s smile was huge as he pulled TJ to him for a deep, messy kiss. “I forgot all about it, but yeah.”

“What’s the thing with the cake? Why am I worried?” Steve asked as TJ crossed the spacious bedroom and brought the whole cake to the center of the giant bed, walking across the expanse on his knees.

Bucky pulled Steve back against the pillows, “trust me?” his gaze bored into Steve’s, knowing and expectant.

“Always.” Steve whispered.

“and me?” TJ asked at Steve’s hip.

“Same.” Steve reached for TJ, brushing his arm before wrapping his hand around his fingers.

TJ took a swipe of icing with his thumb and stuck it in front of Steve’s lips, watching as his pink tongue darted out before sucking TJ’s thumb between his lips. TJ kissed Steve’s sweet mouth and Bucky traced Dodger blue icing shapes on Steve’s chest.

“No masterpiece.” Bucky quipped as he licked a dollop from Steve’s nipple, “Can’t wait to see what you create on TJ’s body, I suggest starting with his ass, it’s already a fine piece, but I think it’d make a perfect canvas.”

TJ dragged a stripe of red icing down Bucky’s cheek as he gripped his jaw and smacked a rough kiss on his lips. “You’re hilarious.”

“I was being serious.” Bucky said, dotting TJ’s chest with icing with each word.

“Is this it? You play with and ruin a perfectly good cake?”

“You haven’t tried it, first, it’s fun. More importantly,” TJ licked one of the swirls from Steve’s chest, “cleanup is more fun.”

“No ruining involved, we’re going to eat the cake Stevie, we’re just eating it differently.” Bucky signed his name across Steve’s belly, poorly, because it tickled and Steve kept moving.

TJ added a red icing heart to the masterpiece before kneeling over Bucky with red, white, and blue fingers. He etched “I Love You” on Bucky’s chest, and “100” on his hip. “Placement is key. Fun places to lick.” He instructed Steve.

“Like I said, TJ’s ass is perfect for that, and the spot just above it. Lie down Sweetheart, it’s Steve’s turn.”

TJ did as ordered, lying across the bed sideways, his ass in the air. Bucky moved with him, and kissed him on the lips and then on his shoulder. Steve’s first strokes were tentative as he watched Bucky drawing lazy swirls from TJ’s shoulder blade to his spine. Their affectionate love was addictive, he loved watching it and sometimes hoped he was part of it, most often he knew, but there were times. TJ moved his leg closer to Steve, touching him as though he read his thoughts.

Bucky reached for Steve’s hand and kissed his knuckle before sucking a frosting covered finger into his mouth. “You’re quiet. Too quiet. It’s not the food? You getting nostalgic for the depression and worrying about waste?”

TJ turned on his side, careful not to mess up whatever _masterpiece_ they’d been creating. “You ok Steve?”

“Question, honest answers only.” Steve said hoarsely. Great, now they’d know he was emotional. “Honest. Answers.”

“Swear to god.” TJ said

“On our mommas’ graves Stevie.”

“Do you ever when TJ’s kissing me, or when Bucky’s kissing me,” Steve looked at them intently, “Worry?”

“I’ve been jealous, sure. But worry? No way.” TJ said honestly.

“No to worry and jealousy.” Bucky said with conviction. “That’s not to say it won’t happen, just, it hasn’t.”

“You two have something so…” Steve sighed. “It’s sweet.”

A reluctant smile crossed Steve’s face when he thought of the word and the frosting.

“We’re sickening and we know it.” TJ laughed. “Steve, don’t worry. You know what? I really missed you. I wondered why I might have missed you more than I missed this oaf, and I realized you disappeared after checking in Every time, on the phone, you’d ask how things were and then leave the phone to Bucky. We hardly talked, you and I, except about this trip.”

“I’m an oaf now? I think you’ve spent too much time with Carol. I’m no oaf.” Bucky teased. “He’s right though, you did give up a lot of phone and skype time.”

Steve pushed Bucky’s hand away but not before Bucky swiped a bunch of icing across Steve’s cheek. “Ok, so it’s normal, and it’s not just me.”

“Correct.” TJ confirmed, reaching for Steve, “it’s definitely not something to worry about. Come here, you got something on your cheek.”

Steve allowed TJ to kiss away the stickiness.

“I really do love you Steve.” TJ said tenderly, gazing into his eyes. “The notion of jealousy is a both a valid emotion and a social construct. You have nothing to be jealous of, and neither do either of us. We love one another. I’d do crazy things for you, as much as I would for him. I’d get into worlds of trouble if I had to.”

“Please don’t.” Steve smiled tenderly, “we’ve had more than enough of that to last a lifetime.”

“You’re content to be an artist and live with a musician and what was it again Bucky? Pastry Chef? Dog whisperer?”

“Pastry chef sounds perfect TJ. We’ll never have a shortage of icing.”

“Just don’t send me for the powdered sugar.” TJ smiled and blushed.

“No, we can’t have that kind of meltdown again.” Bucky teased, “Steve’s not done, lie back down.”

TJ rolled back and lay his head on his arms, watching Steve the best he could. He smiled as Bucky related the powdered sugar incident while stroking TJ’s hair absently.

TJ was practically lulled to sleep by the soft storytelling and gentle touches from both Steve and Bucky, but when Steve finished his “art”, Bucky encouraged him to advance to the cleanup portion, Bucky licked the icing from TJ’s shoulder, and Steve started in the center of TJ’s spine and ended up just above the cleft in his ass. TJ’s muscles reacted, as did his cock, springing to life between him and the mattress.

“Shit.” TJ chuckled, “warn a guy.”

“We waited til you were almost asleep on purpose, don’t you know that?” Steve teased. Well, it was kind of a tease. They didn’t _wait_ just when they noticed his ultra-relaxed state, they _plotted_.

“Shoulda known.” TJ complained, concentrating on not humping the mattress while the two of them painted and licked him in more and more intimate places.

Bucky moved to kneel between TJ’s legs, licking the stripe that Steve painted across both of TJ’s cheeks. He reached under TJ, gripping TJ’s cock and stroking him, Bucky’s breaths cooled the wet stripes across TJ’s ass. His tongue moved into the crevice as TJ lifted his ass, supposedly to accommodate Bucky’s hand.

TJ moaned, gripping the bedspread with both hands as Bucky worked him over with his hand and his mouth. Steve pressed kisses to TJ’s temple and then claimed his mouth, mid curse, in a heated kiss filled with tongue fucking. TJ fucked into Bucky’s firm metal hand, feeling his slightly greasy, buttercream covered finger slip into his hole. Food as lube was not on his list of “done this before”, nor was it on his “gotta try this” list, but he arched into it. Bucky slipped a second finger in the tight space, turning himself on with thoughts of what to do next.

Steve reached for the lube that had been left on the bedside table and tossed it to Bucky without breaking the mutual assault he and TJ were inflicting on one another’s mouths. He felt a shiver as he thought about which of his horny boyfriends might be inside him in moments. He preferred it, and it still embarrassed him to think about the admission. He didn’t mind switching, but there was just something about the feeling of being so full… he wondered if that was normal.

TJ sensed when Steve was slipping away from the moment, so he grabbed his neck and kissed him more urgently, yet he wanted to know what kept pulling him out of the moment, it couldn’t be jealousy again could it? Thoughts warred with urgency, until TJ pulled away, “Bucky wait.” Without hesitation, Bucky released his hold on TJ.

TJ scrambled to sit up, his arousal bouncing against his belly with the motion. “Talk to me Steve,” he said quietly, both hands on Steve’s face, looking intently into his eyes.

“What?” Steve asked, confused.

“You left us again, what’s got you distracted? Is it still…”

“No.” Steve interrupted, seeing ghosts of pain in TJ’s eyes. “I – TJ? What do you like about sex?”

“God, the way you make me feel, both of you.”

“In what way? I mean… well, yeah, elaborate.”

“I love the attention, I crave it. I also love being fulfilled, cherished. I love giving the same feelings to you and Bucky. Are you not – we haven’t been taking you for granted have we? You’re not enjoying it?”

“Too much.” Steve gushed.

“No such thing sweetheart.” TJ laughed, “Is that what’s worrying you?”

“I wonder if its normal to like certain things. If I’m normal, and if I’m contributing equally.”

“Ok, yes. It’s very, very normal to have preferences, and you have to tell us what yours are. We kinda know each other’s and maybe we’ve been rushing you. God, I forget you’re new to this.”

Bucky held his arm out to Steve, “What are your preferences Stevie? We do need to know, but we _want to know_ too. TJ once told me that there’s nothing we can do with each other that we should be ashamed of, and the same goes, there’s nothing we can’t say to one another that we would ever judge you for.” Bucky was so glad he’d had TJ to ease him into things, and felt as guilty as TJ seemed to for not thinking Steve might need to have a more tender, cautious introduction to _everything_ , not just the mechanics.

“I’ve ruined the mood.” Steve blushed, “I’m sorry, I just, I got excited, and then…”

TJ waited until he realized Steve wasn’t going on, “What excited you?” he asked, stroking Steve’s jaw.

TJ didn’t think Steve’s pink face could get any pinker, but was proven wrong when Steve cleared his throat. “Well, I was looking forward to… um…” Steve paused, feeling ridiculous for his virginal embarrassment.

“Stevie, you’ve heard us, it can’t be any more corny, crude, or outlandish than anything we’ve said to each other.” Bucky encouraged.

“I was looking forward to one of you filling me.” If he could have retracted the words, he would have, but they were out now.

TJ surged forward, kissing Steve roughly, holding the laugh in until Steve laughed first. “You tell us which one sweetheart, we’ll do the rest.”

“You don’t mind? That’s a selfish preference, right?”

“Oh, hell yeah, telling your lovers what you want, what you like is very selfish.” TJ teased. “No Steve, that’s not selfish. Saves us questions.” He grinned. “You have to be more vocal, you have to tell us if you dislike switching, what positions you prefer. We want to know everything you like and everything you don’t. You have to enjoy what we’re doing together or we’re hurting part of our family.”

“But maybe not on Bucky’s birthday.” Steve shook his head.

“Maybe any time.” Bucky corrected. “You happy on my birthday makes me happy. Ask TJ, I’m a sap. You wanna go? Let’s do this. Who do you want?”

Steve laughed, kissing them both, rubbing dried frosting from Bucky’s chest. “I’ll let you choose, Buck.”

 “TJ’s really, really good.”

“Stop.” TJ said playfully, “Bucky’s got more stamina. I don’t think you’re ready for both of us.”

Steve’s jaw dropped. “Both?”

When TJ laughed at his incredulous tone, Steve thought for sure that he was pulling his leg. “Both. One of these days, Steve.”

“Is that what people think we’re doing?” Steve was simply curious.

“They think we’re doing all kinds of things, because they’re jealous. I’m pretty sure they think we’re doing what we’re about to be doing. I’m going to choose, I’m gonna fill you up sweetheart, and Bucky’s gonna fuck me at the same time.”

TJ noted the pink flood that covered Steve’s pale Irish skin, and kissed his shoulder. He positioned him and slicked his fingers with the lube Bucky handed him, reaching between Steve’s cheeks and manipulating him quickly with one hand, slicking himself up with the other. Steve’s pretty sighs were enough to spur him on, and Bucky waited patiently, approving of TJ’s choices. He leaned forward and kissed Steve roughly on the lips while TJ made Steve moan and groan into his mouth.

TJ slowly entered Steve, a tease, more than a caution. He loved the pretty sounds that came from deep inside this rough-and-ready guy. He waited as Bucky moved behind him, gripping his hips, letting his arousal slide along the crevice of his ass. Bucky rocked against TJ this way as TJ brought more soft moans from Steve. A disappointed groan escaped when TJ withdrew as slowly as he entered. Bucky pressed the tip of his cock against TJ’s hole, entering as soon as TJ was seated deeply inside of Steve.

With a gasp, TJ took what Bucky gave. Steve arched toward TJ when he pulled back, reaching behind him to stop the madness. His sighs and moans were pounded out of him as Bucky and TJ picked up the pace. Steve fell into rhythm with them, wringing TJ to his climax before Bucky reached his own release. Steve stroked his own arousal, shuddering in orgasm along with Bucky with TJ pressed between them cursing and praising them both.

They tumbled to the bed, not paying any attention to the mess made during their antics. TJ laughed, kissing Steve. “Don’t keep that to yourself, we want to know what you like, what you want. We want to hear your voice.”

Bucky curled up to Steve’s other side, “I need to hear it Stevie. I got you into this, I have to know how to keep you happy.” Bucky kissed Steve’s temple, dragging his fingers gently over his jaw, “I love you.”

“I’m tired, and I want more cake, but I think I need to go clean up.”

“Shower quickly, come back to us.” TJ yawned. ‘Maybe we should shower together.”

“Water conservation in the desert, that’s very conscientious of you TJ.” Bucky teased, reaching across Steve to touch TJ.

“I know, I’m a good guy. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. Come on.” TJ patted Steve’s naked butt. “Let’s do this.”

Steve felt good, he felt relaxed, and loved. He laughed. “I’m coming, coming Buck?”

“Yeah I’ll be there in a minute. Is there any point in me getting forks for this thing? Or are we going barbaric?”

“Forks please.” TJ called from the bathroom as he started the shower, He tugged Steve into a kiss and dragged him under the water. “You make the prettiest noises when you’re getting filled up Steve. You really make me melt.”

“Pretty.”

“It’s ok to be pretty Steve. It’s really the best sound, you know? Your moans and sighs. Bucky’s moans and groans are hot too, but he swears a lot, like I do. You’re just full of pretty sounds.” TJ continued kissing Steve, rubbing against his body.

Steve kissed back after the initial terror of being called pretty, or rather, having his intimate responses called pretty, was soothed. He would have to pay attention to the way TJ and Bucky responded to their bliss. “You notice a lot when you’re so involved yourself?”

“It comes together over time. If something makes me hot, yeah, I remember. Otherwise it’s just accumulated as we spend time together. How do you think I already know when something is bothering you?”

“That did shock me.” Steve admitted, “You were ready to go, you could have blocked it out both of you.” He looked around at Bucky who had joined them.

“TJ’s used to sensitive. I was a bit of a wreck my first few times. I had to be told by Matt how to pay attention to TJ and how to ask for what I wanted. Bucky started washing Steve’s back, “coming back, I had to have a reminder.”

“He almost decked me for telling him his sexy noises were pretty.” TJ teased rinsing his body under the multiple sprays of the shower.

Steve shook his head, “is this how he is all the time? I’m gonna have to move out if he keeps calling anything pretty.”

“Get used to it Stevie. I’m inclined to agree.”

“Hey, you’re living with two guys, but you draw the line at pretty? I promise I’ll keep it in the bedroom.”

“Don’t listen. He’ll pull it out in a restaurant, quietly in your ear, he’s done it before.”

“That’s not the only thing I’ll pull out in a restaurant, but I won’t stick it in your ear.” TJ couldn’t resist saying. He stepped out of the shower, toweling off while the other two rinsed.

“See? That’s what I’m afraid of.” Steve joked, reaching for the towel TJ held out. “I see why you fell for him Buck.”

“I see why you did too.” Bucky smirked, kissing TJ and taking his towel. “He’s a little cracked, but overall he still works.”

TJ laughed as he returned to the bedroom. He noticed that the bedspread had been removed and dumped in the hamper, the cake sat on the top of a soft blanket in the center of the gargantuan bed. “Thank you Bucky, you’re always one step ahead of me.”

“You mean the bed? Yeah, next layer.” Bucky winked, wrapping his arms around TJ’s middle and kissing him. “Thank you for the birthday, from the trip to the cake and everything in between. I love you TJ. Thank you for being too invested.”

“Shut up.” TJ teased, remembering how they met, how he’d been “too invested” in a relationship, and how Bucky promised he would never say such a thing. “Thank you for not blowing off the plans, you didn’t do it because you remembered a lush who cried about ruined anniversary plans did you?”

“I did it because I’ve had 69 birthdays stolen from me by Hydra, and because the two people who mean the most to me went to a lot of trouble to show me why that’s important. I did it because it made you and Steve smile. I’m glad I did, because I’ve had fun.”

“Did someone say cake?” Steve asked, throwing his arms around both of them. “I love you two, you know that right?”

“We do now.” TJ teased.

“Cake, not art projects.” Steve clarified. “We’ll have to do it again for TJ’s birthday though.”

“Another tradition? Cake painting for birthdays?” TJ asked.

“Yes. Another tradition.” Bucky agreed. “I’m so glad I remembered.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See the beautiful commissioned piece of Bucky being loved by TJ and Steve in the next ["chapter"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7133417/chapters/22692881) by [@yawpkatsi](http://yawpkatsi.tumblr.com/).


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I commissioned [@yawpkatsi](http://yawpkatsi.tumblr.com/) to create a lovely little Bucky's 100th celebration to go along with CH49 because I simply love her work. Check out her [commissions](http://yawpkatsi.tumblr.com/post/158273969812/yawpkatsi-hey-friends-im-opening-commissions) and [patreon](https://www.patreon.com/user?u=5120406)!!

[@yawpkatsi](http://yawpkatsi.tumblr.com/)


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many projects and so many responsibilities. I had to take a break from them though, because Steve and TJ demanded my attention. Bucky too, a bit. :)

TJ looked up when Steve sat next to him on the bench. He took the offered paper coffee cup with a smile. “Thank you. How’s it feel coming back?”

Steve looked around the park, shrugging, “I’ve come through a few times when I was in Manhattan, but it’s nice being here with you TJ.”

“When you suggested Brooklyn for our getaway, I worried Bucky would be hurt,” TJ looked at Steve, “but he seemed excited for us.”

“I asked him for ideas, this was his first one. I thought the same thing, I asked if he was sure.” Steve bumped TJ’s leg with his knee twice. “I’m always looking out for him you know.”

“I know, and he you. He’s in his element right now, alone with the dogs.” TJ chuckled, taking a sip of hot, sweet coffee. “He’ll miss us eventually.”

“Did you call him while I was getting coffee?” Steve took a long drink from his coffee.

“I did.” TJ grinned, “I couldn’t resist. He and Lee were about to take the dogs running. I don’t know who I pity, them or the dogs.”

“Lee.” they both laughed before Steve set his coffee down and turned to look at TJ, “So, did you decide what you wanted to do first?”

“I’m flexible.” TJ looked around before leaning against Steve’s shoulder, “I’ve been to some hotspots, and that kind of thing, but I’d like to see whatever you want to show me, or do what you want to do.”

“I have some ideas.” Steve leaned back on the bench, pressing against TJ’s shoulder in return, “We’ll play it by ear, be laid back about it, if that’s ok?”

“Perfect.” TJ turned on the bench to face Steve, “I’m glad we’re doing this. You and I don’t get many opportunities to be alone. You have to stop being so accommodating.”

“I thought I was doing better since Arizona?” Steve lifted his arm in invitation, and put it across TJ’s shoulders when TJ sat back against him and the bench, “Haven’t I been doing better?”

“You have improved a lot.” TJ lay his head back on Steve’s bicep, looking at him, “You’d tell me if I was being a nuisance, right? I’ve insisted on this ‘each of us needs time together’ thing, I just wanted to make sure everybody not only got the chance to be with everybody else, but that we could be alone and still feel secure.”

“I’d tell you if you were being a nuisance and possibly take out an ad, Bucky would definitely tell you. Don’t worry TJ, this is new for all of us. I really do think we all needed this, both the time together and the reflection time alone.”

“I’m sorry.” TJ chuckled and let out a sigh,  “I can’t believe a year ago I was so horribly miserable, with Bucky gone and you in the wind.”

“It’s been one hell of a year.”

“It’s high time we all got used to something better than the garbage life has thrown at us.” TJ sat away from Steve again, turned on the bench to face him, “Happiness looks good on you Steve.”

“I thought that was the designer clothes you and Bucky talked me into.” Steve grinned.

“Hey, I’m all for both of you shopping thrift stores if you’d prefer, but we just wanted your trip to be special.”

“Special is the company I’m with.” Steve put his hand on TJ’s knee. “You’re what’s special about this trip TJ. Say, are you about through sitting around? Seem a little bouncy.”

“You wanna walk? I’m a little keyed up, I guess. It’s the weather I think. Such a nice day shouldn’t be spent sitting still.”

Steve pushed up from the bench and offered TJ his free hand. TJ looked around the park for the first time as he accepted it, curious for once, about the types of reactions they would get.

In his life and even with Bucky, TJ was accustomed to the range of onlooker feedback, from accepting to indifferent, to disgusted and enraged, but since Steve’s coming out, he was conscious of it again. He wanted to protect Steve and wasn’t that just hilarious?

On a day like today, a wide variety of people were out and about, they weren’t the only same-sex couple in the park. They weren’t even the most obvious. TJ twined his fingers with Steve’s as they walked.

“You’d tell me if it was more than the weather?” Steve asked, obviously nervous about referring to TJ's addiction.

TJ looked up at Steve, “Suspicious?” he cracked a smile, unable to hold the frown.

“Curious. Your guard is down with Bucky, but not so much with me. I get it, we’re still getting to know each other, so it makes sense. Promise me, if you’re not able to talk to me about it, you’ll call Bucky or whomever you have in line for a crisis.”

TJ tugged Steve to a halt, “I’d tell you.” he said it with such open honesty, it might have even shocked him. “I’d tell you, I promise. There might be a little something to my nerves that I’d entertain the thought if I wasn’t so fucking put together these days. I guess missing them all is a catalyst. We’re not going to spend the day doing two things, worrying about what people are thinking or saying, and taking my fidgeting, bouncing nerves too seriously.”

“Ok. I can help with the first.” Steve stepped closer to TJ, cupping his cheek with his free hand, and kissed him. Little kids nearby shamed them for kissing, with fantastic sounds of “eew” and “gross”.

TJ giggled and had to pull away, “One of these days you might not say that” he teased the smiling and grimacing kids.

“Kissing is gross.” One of them retorted.

“Yeah, but it can be fun.”

“Captain America likes to kiss? Ain’t you s’posed to be fightin’ bad guys?”

“If I see any, I’ll definitely not kiss them.” Steve winked. “It’s my day off, so I hope they’re too busy to cause any trouble.”

“You might get called on your day off. My dad gets called to work on his day off.”

“You kids can help. Which one of you is the best at fighting bad guys?”

TJ smirked as the group of kids raised their hands and the tiniest one, a little girl in a tutu, pushed forward with her chest (well, her whole chubby little torso actually) thrust forward, hands on her hips, “I’m the best.” She almost growled from pursed lips.

“I can see that.” Steve nodded, hiding his smile from all except TJ. “You kids keep practicing your best bad guy defense, that way they’ll see how tough you are, and they’ll have to stop."

TJ pulled Steve away with waves to the kids, “you’re amazing” he laughed.

“I thought you knew that already.”

“At least those objections were to the swapping of spit, and not who was doing the swapping.” TJ teased. “I hope it won’t dissuade future impromptu kisses.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that.” Steve’s smile was warm before he wrapped his arm around TJ’s neck and pulled him close for a quick buss on the mouth.

“Promise me you’ll be this spontaneous more often, at home? I like knowing you feel comfortable and I’d hate to think it’s because of Bucky. Or because of Bucky with me.”

“Sometimes I don’t know when I’m crowding in on you.” Steve admitted. “I watch and sometimes I want to just grab you both like that, and I just…”

“Remain a spectator.” TJ finished, “I know you’re not nervous to show Bucky affection, is it me? Is it in front of Bucky?”

“It’s just me. I’ve spent so much time being sure of myself, or at least faking it, and at home, my weaknesses are a little stronger.”

“I understand that _so well_.” TJ led Steve toward the carousel, “I really do. I think Bucky does too. You don’t have to just watch, we want you to get in there, hug on us, kiss and grope us.”

“TJ,” Steve blushed and laughed, “Ok, I’m going to remember that. I can’t not remember that. Are you really dragging me to the carousel?”

“I’m really doing it.” TJ laughed, “Come on, you’ve already been spotted by kids and nobody’s trailing us. What’s better than a little amusement ride havoc? I hear its original location was back in your day at Coney.”

Steve rolled his eyes, but TJ saw the second it hit his soft spot, and linked his arm through Steve’s pulling him to the ticket counter. “Two books please.” TJ grinned.

“Two books?” Steve asked, his brow creased curiously.

“Five tickets per book.” The girl smiled. “You can have unlimited rides with the Family Supporter Membership.”

“Where do we get that?” TJ asked, “Do you have a flier, we can sign up for that later.”

TJ grinned as he took the ticket books and led Steve to the line.

“Five tickets per book.” Steve repeated against TJ’s neck as he slipped his arms around TJ from behind. “Five rides on the carousel? Really?”

“You never know? We might.” TJ snickered, craning his neck to see Steve’s face. “Nah, I thought we could give the extras away. Two consecutive rides and then we bounce.”

“Ok, two it is. You want more?” Steve kissed TJ’s neck, “We’ve got five each.”

“Thanks, but even I think that might be a little much.”

“Ok, the zoo after?”

“Ugh no. Not unless it’s _really important to you._ You have no idea how much zoo my mother’s subjected me to.”

“Nope." Steve grinned against TJ's skin, "Ok, we’ll leave the park then, grab some lunch.”

“Lunch I can do.” TJ clung to Steve’s arms, watching reactions around them casually. “How are you managing this public display. You’re being very affectionate.”

“I’m getting familiar with it. We haven’t been chased down and called names, so I don’t have to worry about saying something horrible or running so fast I leave you behind in it all.”

“Running must have rankled."

"Your safety is more important than making a scene TJ." Steve said quietly. "I know when to run, and when we're being hounded by a protesting crowd, you protect what's yours before you make a stand."

TJ stared, tears pricking his eyes. "Was there ever a moment that it upset you personally, without being concerned for someone else?”

“Of course. A lot of people’s initial reactions were incredibly painful." Steve paused and TJ waited patiently, "People who professed their love for me and what I stood for, turning on me not for a political viewpoint, but for my fundamental makeup. That hurt a lot.”

“I wish you’d let us in when that happened," TJ said quietly, "but I understand everyone processes differently. No more suffering in silence though ok?”

“I was trying to make things go smoothly.” Steve admitted, resting his chin on TJ’s shoulder after they moved up to the front for the next go-round.

“Hi.” TJ smiled at the young carousel operator, “Could we do two back to back? Or will you need us to get off and go around again?”

“You can stay on, just don’t make a big stink about it.” The guy said with a smile, “TJ Hammond and Steve Rogers huh?”

“Yeah, just don’t make a big stink about it.” TJ winked, handing the kid their tickets. “Thanks man.”

The kid nodded.

TJ turned to Steve, “Not one of my seedier deals.” He chuckled.

“You’re just using your acquired skills differently, that’s all.” Steve grinned. They watched as the carousel did it’s dance, waiting until it slowed and emptied, before stepping up to the large, historic ride.

Obeying posted signs, “no adults on jumpers”, as much as it hurt, TJ took one of the outer, stationary horses. Steve stood at his side with a hand on TJ’s thigh until TJ shooed him to his own stationary steed.

The ride filled in with little kids and their parents, a young couple, and an older couple. TJ wanted to be next to Steve and as the ride started. He internalized lectures to himself about shooing him to his own horse. ‘fuck it, I’m an adult’ he thought, inspiring himself to slide off the glossy horse and walk semi-drunkenly toward the gray horse two animals away that his boyfriend dwarfed.

Steve put his hand on TJ’s shoulder when he looked down at him, almost startled at TJ’s arm across his ass.

“I decided this was a stupid idea.” TJ said, looking up at Steve, “I shouldn’t have sent you to your own, at the very least.”

“We can move to the dragon bench.” Steve offered.

“Let’s not upset the order of things, we can move over for the next ride. I hope you can keep it G-rated.”

“Me?” Steve looked at TJ aghast. “You’re the devilish one of this duo.”

“I’m not.” TJ responded defiantly, “I have been perfectly genteel.”

TJ laughed only when Steve caved and laughed, “It’s good to see you enjoying yourself Steve.”

Steve slid down from his horse, wrapping his arms around TJ, knowing the couple across the ride from them were doing the same thing. “I’m enjoying myself, and my company. Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” TJ’s arms tightened around Steve’s middle.

“When you and Bucky were away, this isn’t a completely self-serving question, I promise. Did you think about me at odd moments? Is it ok that I’m wondering how Bucky’s run is going?”

“We thought about you, we observed things we thought you’d enjoy, and yes. It’s ok to think about him.” TJ smiled, “He’s one of us. We miss him. Go ahead and text him if you wanna.”

“I’ll wait until the ride’s over, it was just a thought I had been wrestling with.”

“Well, we’re here, sharing a place you probably spent time with him, in a city where you grew up with him. You might have even ridden this very carousel together at Coney when you were kids. You’re going to think about him.”

“I just need to remember he’s home with the pups, and we’ll all be here together next time.”

As their second ride crept to a stop, TJ stood up from the dragon bench and offered Steve a hand. They waited as the families filtered off, watching a little person bite the dust and pick themselves up without tears. “Stubborn, like you.” TJ teased.

“Hasn’t been taught fear. No dramatization over a simple fall. I hope I can be that strong. Falls aren’t my favorite thing.”

“Well, when you put it that way.” TJ hugged Steve gently, “You’ll be fine you know. Besides, we have five years before we’re even thinking about that particular addition.”

“Good.” Steve answered, steering TJ toward the exit. “Where to for lunch?”

“There’s a spot on Flatbush that sounded good, about a quarter mile from here.” TJ said, following Steve out the door. “Tell Bucky I miss him too.”

TJ looked around for someone to give the carousel tickets to, kids, with parents nearby. He wasn’t going to be accused of accosting some innocent kid. Press and politics left him with a lot of don’ts that he was still anxious over. Don’t do anything that will cause a scene. He’d already made exceptions to that rule with PDA and his poly relationship. The misunderstandings of small-minded people when a grown man approached children with carousel tickets could blow up into un-fixable territory.

Steve followed along with TJ, texting. TJ spotted a family sharing a sandwich and a water bottle. He approached carefully, “Excuse me. We have some extra tickets,” He waved toward the carousel, in hopes of not getting the kids too excited, in case the offer was refused, “we’re done in the park, if you’d like them, they’re yours.”

The young mother looked up at him with a tired smile, “Thank you, are you sure?”

“Yeah, We coulda just used the one book, but…” TJ shrugged. “I was kinda teasing him, and got carried away.”

“Well, thank you, they’ll love the surprise.” The mother lit up. She corralled the two kids, smiling as another woman came and sat beside her, “Carousel tickets.”

“Thank you.” the second woman smiled, closing her fingers over the first woman’s hand. “That was very generous of you.”

“You’re very welcome.” TJ smiled, “have fun.”

“They looked very happy.” Steve smiled as he put his arm across TJ’s waist. “That was very nice TJ.”

“It wasn’t anything too extra.” TJ smiled.

“It was for _them_. That’s something _extra_ that they’ll get to do today. Watching is always fun, but never as fun as joining in.”

“I impressed you without trying.” TJ teased, bumping into Steve playfully.

“Not hard to do, you do good things TJ.”

“My dad would say, in one of those moments where he wasn’t thinking about himself, that God put those people in that spot and opened my eyes at that time for a reason. He _can be_ very spiritual.”

“Your father is confusing.” Steve laughed, “but you know? My mother would have said the same thing.”

“Tell me about her. I mean if you… never mind.”

“No, TJ,  it’s not hard to talk about… well,” Steve pulled TJ closer, hips bumping as they walked, “I guess it’s always a little hard, but talking about people who are gone is the only way to keep them with us. She was tough, but gentle. Your grandmother and your mother have reminded me of her in differing circumstances. Bucky’s actually a lot like her. No nonsense and problem-solving. She was also very religious.”

“Do you think she’d be disappointed in our situation?”

“I think there are so many bigger things that would have devastated her. Bucky, me. Everything that happened from Bucky enlisting to me struggling to do so. She would have supported the effort, but she would have worried and she would have – after losing my father – tried to talk us into waiting. She wouldn’t have been able to follow through. She would probably pace the floors at night, wake me up and say “keep fighting, I was wrong, but a mother worries”.

“She would have been equally as conflicted about project rebirth. Healing her son was all she ever wanted, but she would have struggled to recognize me like this.”

“Are you sure she wouldn’t have seen it as a miracle?” TJ asked, quietly. He hated to think that Steve saw himself as flawed, even now. “I mean, you were healed.”

“She would have been satisfied if I’d been healed and was an average guy. She would have thought this was excess.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Maybe not. To answer your initial question, if she knew all Bucky and I suffered, the first thing she’d say to you is, “I know you love my boys. For that I love you.” and she’d ask if we were happy, and she’d tell us that the world had taken enough from us, it didn’t get to judge us too.”

“You sound positive.” TJ watched Steve as he seemed to still be far away.

“I suppose I am. I’ve had dreams about her since we got together. I don’t discount things like that anymore. Let’s see, I suppose I look like her. I’ll pull out some of my sketches. I think she had a great singing voice, but what would I know? I had some hearing issues, nothing extreme, but Bucky swears I was at least tone-deaf.”

“He told me that too. I didn’t believe him.”

“Neither did I.” Steve laughed. “I know she loved to sing, and Bucky would watch and listen rapt as I was.”

“Did you sing? We haven’t managed to coerce you to sing yet.”

“I think Bucky still believes I’m tone-deaf.” Steve grinned as he held open the door to the pub. “Maybe he’s right.”

“If you were, that had to be resolved too right?” TJ followed Steve to a table along the wall, not surprised when he took the seat facing the door.

“Would I own up to that if I didn’t want to sing though?” Steve asked with a wink.

“Ah, I see. But it would just be around us. I mean, the piano…” TJ spread his hands with an engaging smile.

“I know. We’ll see.” Steve laughed, looking at the menu. “Hmm. A brisket hash and eggs, talking about Ma and now this.”

“Sounds good.” TJ perused the menu. “I’m torn between the fancy grilled cheese, and the flapjacks.”

“You know of Buck were here, he’d do the hard sell on the flapjacks.” Steve smirked, bumping his sneaker-clad foot against TJ’s toe under the table.

“Yeah, pancakes remind me of him now. We’ll do pancakes when we get home to Bucky.” TJ looked up as the server greeted them, “I think” he looked to Steve and back, “We’re ready to order. I think I’m going to give the fancy grilled cheese a shot. Can I get a Blood Island mocktail? No spirits?”

“Sure thing, and for you sir?”

TJ poked his toe into Steve’s shoe at the “sir”, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing at something that was probably less funny than it struck him as. Steve ordered his brunch and an IPA, and shoved his foot back against TJ’s foot.

“What?” Steve’s voice was hard pressed.

“How often do you get called “sir” these days?”

“When I’m out for a meal. They can smell the senior discount card in my wallet.”

“Smells like peppermints and Old Spice?”

“Something like that.” Steve chuckled, “You play pool?”

“I might be able to sink one or two.”

“Come on then.” Steve rose, and TJ followed to the pool table. They killed time their food was being prepared, Steve dusting TJ at every shot.

“OK, I know it’s not rigged, but you’re not a fair opponent, you’re doing insane geometry calculations.” TJ complained with a laugh. “I’m just poking the damned cue ball.”

“Come on. You’re doing more than that. If we had more time, I’d give you some pointers. Maybe later.”

“Yeah, saved from wiping the table with me, by the arrival of brisket.” TJ teased, wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist as they moved back to their table. Looks from the bar were curious, murmurs of recognition reached them both, but they shrugged them off, just like the others in the place seemed to shrug off their closeness. TJ thanked the server as he slid back into his chair.

“Every time I think I’m used to being recognized, somebody does, and it surprises me.” Steve said, as he settled into his seat, eyeing his food.

“I think you’re used to being _recognized_ as “Cap”. The recognition as _Steve_ , or ‘that guy in the queer relationship’, or _TJ Hammond’s boyfriend_ is what’s new.”

“Maybe that’s it.” Steve conceded, amused.

“Did they say anything particularly rude?”

“Nah, your third guess was correct.”

“Ah you’re my boyfriend. That’s cute though.” TJ crinkled his nose then laughed at Steve’s reaction, a dramatic eye roll.

…

Steve breathed in the outside air as they stepped outside the bar, “TJ, would you like to see the old neighborhood?”

“I… sure, if that’s where you want to go next, yeah, I’d love to.”

“Ok, so we hail a cab or walk three miles.” Steve grinned, “Which is it?”

“We can walk _there_ but we’re definitely taking a taxi back to our hotel.” TJ linked fingers with Steve, “You’ve gone back before, right? I mean you’re aware of the possible – probable – changes?”

“Yeah.” Steve sighed. “I’m aware. There’s a bit that still similar. I can paint a picture for you, that I think you’ll be able to visualize.”

“Speaking of painting. Maybe we can take a few pictures and gather a few from back in the day, and you could paint something for our place?”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“That’s why Bucky keeps me around. Hey, we should call him.”

“We should.” Steve agreed.

TJ pulled up Bucky’s contact and sent a request for a video call.

_“Hey.” Bucky’s voice was tender. “TJ.”_

_“Hi baby.”_

_“How are you? Is everything still ok?”_

_“I’m ok, Steve decided a three mile walk from Prospect Park was a good idea.”_

_“You’re taking him home?” Bucky asked Steve, straight curiosity without accusation._

_“Yeah, I guess it’s nostalgia day, talkin’ about Ma, having brisket for brunch, and riding a historical landmark carousel. I couldn’t resist.”_

_“You need to get to the city – see a musical. TJ needs inspiration.” Bucky scolded._

_“TJ’s fine.” TJ answered for himself, “I want to see this. The only thing that would make it better would be having you here too. We’re going to do that next time. How are the boys?”_

_“Tired. Lee and I ran them a lot farther than three miles.”_

_“Sure, pull the guilt card.” TJ laughed, “I miss you, but I don’t miss running with you and Lee.”_

_“Miss you too. You make sure you take care of each other. I’m – it’s lonely here without you painting, Steve; and you cooking or playing music TJ.” Without being crowded by both of you."_

_“We know. There’s a Bucky-sized hole here too.” TJ smiled. “Just a few days. Tomorrow we have tickets to a Broadway show. Just like you insisted.”_

_“Good. Take notes all the things I’m going to miss about the old neighborhood.” Bucky said “I mean I took myself there once, but I have a better recollection of things now.”_

_“Ok. Call us if you need anything, ok?” TJ asked._

_“Buck, call us even if you don’t.” Steve added._

_“Ok, I’ll give you a few hours, at least one for the walk. Another couple for exploring.”_

_“Sounds good.” Steve smiled, “If we don’t hear from you, we’re calling back.”_

_“You’re turning into a real sap Rogers.”_

_“I know. It’s your fault.” Steve grinned. “Later Buck. Love you.”_

_“Love you too Stevie.”_

_“Smooch the pups for me will ya baby?” TJ said quietly. “I – I love you.”_

_“I love you too. Go have fun.”_

_“OK. We’re going. Bye Bucky.” TJ watched as Bucky stayed on the line, finally he was forced to end the call, watching the screen go black._

“We can go home if this is too much?” Steve offered, his hand gently resting on the small of TJ's back.

“No. I missed him like this when you two were together too. and you missed us when it was our turn. It’s all part of the experience. You want it too, don’t you?”

“I want _both_.” Steve admitted. “I guess it’s like you said. Part of the experience.”

 "Let's go see the neighborhood. We can do this." TJ smiled, hugging Steve's bicep.

"Ok, you're right." Steve nodded, "Welcome to my home TJ."


	52. Chapter 52

Bucky clasped TJ’s hand as TJ faced him, smiling, having given up on fighting tears.  Bucky was having his own problems including remembering to breathe and with errant tears. “Love you.” he mouthed, causing TJ’s mouth to curve slightly, even as his lower lip trembled over a reciprocated declaration.

They both looked toward Steve, who stood smiling at them. They were surrounded in a semicircle by TJ’s parents, Nana, Dougie with Anne; Lee stood in Alec's arms, and Matt and Carol were holding hands.

Steve cleared his throat and began, “When Bucky met TJ, he was equal parts attracted, confused, angry, and concerned. TJ wasn’t at his best, and was a belligerent shit. But let’s not forget that TJ wasn’t too thrilled at the know-it-all bartender who wouldn’t take him to bed while he was compromised.”

TJ rolled his eyes, inadvertently catching the smirks of Nana and Lee.

“They fell hard and fast, giving each other all of the love they possessed, and from what I’ve heard, some pretty amazing…”

“Steve.” Bucky gave a warning glance, smiling and blushing equally.

“Some pretty amazing breakfasts.” Steve grinned. “Bucky knew it wouldn’t last, so he wanted to ensure that TJ had something to remember him by, lots of lessons in self-care. He had something of his own to remember TJ by, in case they were separated forever. The memory of a loving, doting boyfriend with magic fingers that would ease his pains and his worries.

“Bucky, do you promise to encourage TJ to continue to think well of himself and to take care of himself before taking care of others? For the rest of your days?”

“You’re such a punk.” Bucky grinned, sure he was as pink as the flowers blooming in the garden on the Hammond farm. “I do.”

“TJ, do you promise to give comfort and happiness to Bucky, and to encourage him every day to trust in the good in his heart?”

“Always. Yes. I do.” TJ stammered, smiling tenderly at both Steve and Bucky.

“The rings you’re about to exchange, represent the promise of love, commitment, and loyalty that you’ve both agreed to in front of your loved ones. They represent the infinite, complete, unbreakable love you share for one another.”

TJ and Bucky took the rings from Steve, each giving his fingers a little reassuring squeeze as they did.

Bucky watched as TJ looked at him with a wobbly, emotion filled, and endearing smile. “Thomas James Hammond, in addition to the crazy things Steve decided to add, with this ring, I promise to love and cherish you for all of my days. You’re the light in the darkness, and I promise that every day I will work to keep that brightness from dimming.”

“James Buchanan Barnes,” TJ said slowly, reminding himself not to trip over his words in his anxiety and excitement. “With this ring, I promise that you’ll never be alone. I will love and cherish you for all of my days. You showed me the way to my heart, it’s yours,” TJ glanced at Steve with a tender smile, hoping he would feel the inclusion, “I promise to protect your heart with the love that overflows from mine.”

“I’m proud and honored introduce you for the first time as a married couple. If you don’t kiss him, I will.” Steve’s words were light but his voice carried them with deep emotion.

TJ and Bucky shared their first wedded kiss, laughing and crying, gripping each other’s necks. Unable to pull  away, they rested together with their foreheads touching. They finally separated before one of them could break the moment with a nervous laugh.

As Steve moved to turn around, both of them snaked out a hand, gripping his forearm. “Don’t you go anywhere.” TJ smiled as they both held tight to one another and to Steve.

“Lee?” Bucky looked to Lee who was standing nearby, anticipating the moment, “Would you be so kind?”

“Steven Grant Rogers, these too crazy fools are so deeply in love with you, that they couldn’t leave well enough alone.” Lee looked from Bucky to Steve, to TJ, and back to Steve. “The bonds you share with Bucky; the love that’s grown between you and TJ; are strong enough to sustain the three of you. Do you promise to be as obstinate as the young man who let an army experiment on you in order to defend what you knew was right, in your love and protection of these two, _for all your days_?”

Steve smiled, looking at the ring that TJ handed Bucky, one identical to theirs, “I do.”

“TJ and Bucky, do you promise to look aside when Steve gets stubborn? Do you promise to love and defend him in spite of his penchant for getting into trouble, for all your days?”

“I don’t know about that.” Bucky smiled lovingly, “Ok, yeah.”

“I do.” TJ laughed, not letting Steve’s arm loose.

“I know the law doesn’t observe a poly marriage, but in the eyes and hearts of these people gathered here,” Steve looked up when Lee gestured behind him, to see Sam and Natasha walking toward them, “in the eyes and the hearts of your loved ones, _we_ consider your union a binding one. Kiss your boys.”

“Before she does.” Matt added with a low chuckle.

Both TJ and Bucky planted kisses on Steve’s mouth at the same time, Bucky ruffled Steve’s hair, and TJ’s hand moved from Steve’s arm to his cheek, caressing it, tracing the tiny lines at the corner of his glistening blue eye. “Love you Steve.” TJ said against Steve’s mouth.

“Love you Stevie, you know we couldn’t leave you out.” Bucky agreed, dipping his head into the curve of Steve’s neck.

“I love you two, too. Whose idea was this?” Steve whispered softly under cover of the clapping and celebratory good wishes from the small group.

“There were a few people involved. Let’s celebrate, we can talk later.” Bucky linked fingers with TJ’s and hooked his arm around Steve’s waist.

They turned to their small assembly of people, all three wearing vibrant smiles. TJ skimmed past the concerned looks on his parents’ faces to Nana’s proud grin. He winked at her, smiling. She wrapped her arms around him instead of following his mother across the lawn.

“You’re full of surprises, you little shit.”

“Good ones this time.” TJ laughed, kissing her on the temple as she fell into step with them. “We wanted to keep him.”

“Good choice. If you didn’t I would have.”

“Thank you Maggie.” Steve gave Margaret’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “It’s nice having you on our side.”

“That I am. I see you have some friends I’m sure you’ll want to catch up with. I expect an introduction before you take off.”

“We’ll introduce everyone, you be nice.” TJ laughed again, waving to his grandmother as she joined Lee and Alec.

“So, they did it.” Sam said warmly, greeting Steve with a hug and offering Bucky and TJ handshakes. “On the spot and you went with it. Nat owes me 100 bucks.”

“I don’t remember shaking on it.” Natasha said as she clung to Steve, “congratulations, I guess?”

“You guess?” Steve smiled, “You thought I’d chicken out and you’re holding me responsible for your wager?”

“Always make the sure bet Nat.” Bucky smiled softly, almost shyly, if TJ were pressed to identify it. He also thought he spotted a little bit of possessiveness in the way Sam’s arm slipped into place at her waist when she stepped back from Steve.

“TJ,” Steve was still smiling, “These are my friends, Sam, Natasha, this is…”

“His husband.” TJ grinned shamelessly, “Pleased to meet you, thank you both for making sure he came out of _everything_ alive, so I could meet him.” TJ watched as Steve blushed and Sam’s eyes crinkled, promising a laugh of pure joy. Natasha’s lips quirked with a reserved, sideways smile, but her eyes sparkled.

“Sam’s my date, but I’d love it if you’d introduce me to your friends. I’ve met your parents before.”

“If you’ve met my parents, the rest will be a walk in the park.” TJ slipped his arm around Bucky’s waist since Steve had been extricated from their trio. “What do you think sweetheart?”

TJ bit his lip in order to keep his smile contained, Bucky nodded, “Carol’s the safest first impression, then Alec. Matt should come in somewhere after your grandmother.”

“That’s about right. However, here’s how it will _actually_ go down. We approach Carol.” TJ offered Natasha his arm. “Matt, distracted as he seems, will appear from nowhere, and try to both prove false everything Carol says about him and make a good impression, all while proving Carol 100% accurate. Then Nana and Lee will say something to make his pink face even redder, Alec will stand there stoically, maybe inject a joke if it seems worth it in the moment, and my father will make Matt’s miraculous appearance look like a jester’s grand entrance.”

“I know how to handle your father.” Nat reassured TJ. “The rest of your friends sound not much different from some of the people I know.”

“Such as?” Steve asked from behind.

“Carol sounds like Bruce, Matt sounds like Tony-light, Alec would be Thor, and Lee…” Nat hesitated, “Maybe she’s exempt.”

“Lee reminds me of you.” Steve provided. “Of course, you’re not only simplifying our friends, you’re simplifying these friends too. Nobody’s quite like any of them.”

“Yeah, but there are types that people tend toward. You know that. Trust me, I have no preconceived ideas of any of your new friends.”

“So,” Steve slung his arm across Sam’s shoulder and Nat’s, “I have a preconceived idea. What’s between you two?”

“We might have bonded over our shared exile.” Sam’s conspiratory wink made Steve laugh.

“I’m glad. You did seem to enjoy an _extended_ exile.” They watched as Natasha gracefully glided away and wrapped an arm across TJ’s waist as she joined him and Bucky in conversation. “Everything ok?”

“I managed to visit home for the holidays, help my Gran with some heavy lifting, and wait til you see your wedding gift.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, took up knitting. Did you know how relaxing it is?”

“No, but if you say so. About the ‘wedding’ thing. You don’t have a problem?”

“Remember one of our first conversations? I asked you what makes you happy. This clearly makes you happy. I’ve seen you try, I’ve seen you pretend. This is real. Oh, before I forget.” Steve watched as Sam happily pulled his phone from his jacket pocket. Sam truly looked as happy as he was saying Steve was. “Look at this.”

Steve looked at pictures of Sam and Nat with a group of youngsters Steve recognized as Sam’s cousins. “On a boat?” Steve grinned happily. “You’re gonna have to tell TJ all about it. He was talking about getting out on a boat while he and Bucky were off on their honeymoon.”

“It’s gonna be your honeymoon too Steve.” Sam reminded him.

“Right.” Steve stopped walking. He looked at Sam, still grinning. “Wow.”

Sam walked away from Steve, laughing, leaving Steve to follow or stay behind.

“Wait up.” Steve called after Sam as he hurried to catch up to him and TJ and Bucky.

Steve found his husbands (wow), laughing with Natasha and Lee. He approached with eager steps, hugging Nat from behind. “Thank you for coming.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it,” Nat grinned, “you’ve been promising me I could visit.”

“You’ve been busy with Sam. Of course you can always drag him with you.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Nat feigned ignorance, badly.

“You don’t lie that terribly. Don’t even try.” Steve laughed. “Leave the terrible liar business to me.”

TJ and Bucky both laughed and TJ reached behind Lee to grip Steve’s dress shirt possessively. “Steve, we’re gonna grab a bite and then we’re gonna sneak out. You can join us, or you can find us later, if you want to catch up with your friends.”

“He’s joining you,” Nat nodded decisively. “We’ll be around when you guys get back.”

“You’re staying that long?” Steve was surprised.

“We’re house-sitting.” Nat agreed. “We can even help out with the dogs if your friends need backup.”

“I’ll make sure you get a chance to meet Matt and Carol before you head to the boys’ place.” Lee offered. “Proper introductions.”

“It looks like Sam might be able to take care of that too. Although I’d enjoy meeting them from your perspective.”

Bucky smiled at Steve when the girls walked away, “You ok?”

“I’m glad they came, surprised with all of this, and kinda eager to escape. Does that make me a bad person?”

“It makes you _Steve_. You’ve never been too comfortable with a crowd.” Bucky chuckled as a thought occurred to him, “Funny, that’s all you have at home now.”

“You and TJ are not a crowd. Three’s only a crowd if you’re in a couple’s relationship.”

“We’re only happy to crowd you whenever you need it.” TJ said from behind Steve, placing a quick kiss on the Back of Steve’s neck.

Steve turned, tickling TJ’s side as he kissed him briefly. “I’m glad.” Steve smiled at TJ and then at Bucky, “let’s get through the bigger crowd and expected celebration, and then we can go decompress or whatever you have in mind.”

“‘Whatever’, he says.” TJ addressed Bucky with a laugh, while tugging Steve closer, “whatever could I have in mind Steve? Bucky can you guess?”

“I’m pretty sure we both know what thoughts you’re entertaining. We have a small party and a drive to town to get through before all of that.”

“That’s why I keep you. You’re good at reining me in.”

“Oh? I thought it was because you loved me.” Bucky tickled TJ as they made their way toward where their friends were gathered beneath the tree where TJ’s father had proposed to his mother all those times.

* * *

“You’re sure you wanted me to come on _your honeymoon_?” Steve asked, in the middle of a post-coital cuddle pile.

“I’m sure. We’re sure.” TJ laughed, kissing first Bucky and then Steve. “We almost didn’t go through with the wedding. Bucky called Sam and asked him for input.”

“Marry them both. Make one legal and show that the other one is just as important and binding. If you decide to, make sure I’m there for it though. I won’t forgive you, _ever_ for leaving me out.” Bucky imitated Sam, incredibly well, to Steve’s ear.

“So, _we’re_ official, _you’re_ legal, and you’re sure you’re ok with leaving the dogs?”

“Matt and Carol are gonna take the best care of those mutts.” TJ smiled, tracing shapes on Steve’s chest, leaning forward to kiss Bucky. “Lee even promised to help out.”

Bucky crawled across Steve to pin TJ to the pillows at the head of the bed, kissing him playfully. “Husband. Do we get to say ‘husbands?” Stevie here’s not just our boyfriend, right? A pagan ritual makes him our husband too, right?”

Steve gave Bucky’s rear a half-assed smack, “Of course we’re husbands. We had a ceremony, we all wear rings. Did you see TJ’s parents though?”

“Nana was the best. She pinched Momma and gave dad the most reproachful look – and I’ve seen that woman glare daggers at him before.” TJ laughed, turning his head so he could kiss Steve again. “Yes, husbands. “My husband”, that’s going to confuse the people in stores and shit. I’ll call Steve my husband, and then they’ll ask who I’m kissing when it’s Bucky and I can say “my husband” again. They’ll think I’ve finally lost it.”

“Your grandmother is a gift. As for what people think?” Steve rose up on his elbow, tracing the lines of Bucky’s ribs, “I am past all of that. You call us whatever you want, I know I will. I _am_ still reeling from the surprise.”

“We thought you might do the “no, we can do that later” nonsense, Sam was sure you would.” TJ wrapped his leg around Bucky’s calf, reaching up to touch his cheek, “we didn’t want to prioritize any of us. The protection of marriage is good, but the heart behind the ceremonies was much more important.”

“Should we have left Sam and Nat with TJ’s parents?” Bucky asked as if this was the first thought he had about it.”

“We left them with our friends. You know my folks left as soon as we did. One of these days I want to invite Natasha and Sam to one of our game nights. I think Alec and Matt are going to hit it off well with them.”

“We should try to get some sleep.” Bucky nuzzled TJ’s neck before squeezing between him and Steve. TJ drew Bucky’s arms around him, ready to settle in as the ‘little spoon’. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky and TJ, looping his leg over Bucky’s. “We have an early flight.”

“Still think we should have done the road trip.” TJ pretended to pout.

“We’ll still do the road trip. With the dogs, in a convertible, just us three. But this time, we fly. How did you convince me to go to Disneyland again?”

“It was Steve’s idea.”

“ _That’s_ why you chose Disneyland?" Steve peered over Bucky to TJ, “Because you knew you were dragging me along?”

“Yup. In fact, _that part_ was Bucky’s idea.”

“Ok, I get it.” Bucky nipped TJ’s neck, “Everybody but TJ.”

“Yup.” TJ wiggled against Bucky, gripping Steve’s hand in one and reaching back to tickle Bucky’s side with the other. “Kidding, I’ll take the credit. Besides, we’re staying in a really nice place on the beach. I have very fond memories of the beach.”

“Shh.” Bucky traced TJ’s neckline with little kisses.

“You know, we _can_ sleep on the plane.” TJ added sleepily.

* * *

Steve sat on the beach blanket with his sand-covered legs folded. In the peaceful moment, he could hear the scratching of his pencils, kids playing farther down the beach, and the sound of the surf reaching the shore. His colored pencils illustrated the sunset that glowed in the distance, reflected by the deep and vast ocean that lulled them to sleep each night on their honeymoon. He was actually _on a honeymoon_ , and he was symbolically bound to the men he loved.

A shriek interrupted his art, and when he looked up, he saw Bucky and TJ roughhousing in the water. Deciding to put his sketch away, Steve tucked his pencils and sketchbook inside the bag and pushed himself to his feet. “Unhand him,” Steve called out to Bucky as he body-slammed him into the surf. Bucky’s fingers grasped at Steve’s shoulders as they both crashed under the water.

When they surfaced again TJ was laughing at them both, so gleefully, that the “My hero” bounced along his laugh, making the declaration impossible to believe.

Steve wrapped a wet arm around TJ’s neck, “I heard your distress call, I apprehended your attacker, and you laugh at me?” He smacked a salty, wet kiss on the side of TJ’s head. “I can’t even be a superhero in my own family.”

“You’re more than our superhero.” TJ kissed Steve, wrapping his legs around Steve’s waist and clinging to him, “You’re our husband.”

Bucky put his arms around TJ and Steve, “It’s about time you joined us.”

“He was making art.” TJ turned to look at Bucky, “leave our artist, superhero husband alone.”

Bucky kissed TJ and then Steve, before pulling away from Steve, dragging TJ along with him. TJ shrieked again, making Steve laugh, as well as completely unable to do anything but follow, when TJ’s legs tightened around his waist.

They crashed into the water just before a wave washed over them, dragging the trio along with it. Bucky was the first to gain his footing, without thinking, he dragged TJ by the torso, up and out of the drink. The pull of the undertow brought to him the too clear memory of their last time on the beach. Bucky forced the panic aside, remembering instead, TJ’s insistence and reassurance afterward, the last time he’d dramatically dragged him ashore.

Steve helped hold TJ aloft as he sputtered and spit salt water out repeatedly. As soon as Steve was sure he and Bucky were firmly planted, he wrapped his arms around TJ and Bucky, laughing.

“You ok?” Bucky whispered urgently in TJ’s ear. Steve’s laughter felt inappropriately timed to Bucky, but he tried to remember that he was the one panicking, or very near panicking, and Steve was having a very different experience.

“When do I get to worry” TJ coughed, “about you being ok?”

“When I’m in danger.” Bucky kissed the salty water from TJ’s cheek, letting TJ’s teasing tone soothe his anxiety, “blame him.”

“Blame me.” Steve nodded, still laughing, “I don’t know why, but yeah.”

“Let me go.” TJ squirmed, “If you can stand in this, I can too. I think you’re both enjoying this a little too much.”

“I’m just keeping you safe.” Bucky grinned. “You’re sure you’re ok?”

“You’re not going to drag me back to the blanket and freak out are you?”

“I think you’ll be proud to know I reined in the panic.”

“It was nothing like dragging his dead weight out of a crashed helicopter, I don’t know what you’re making such a big deal over.” Steve teased Bucky.

Bucky glared at Steve when, as expected, TJ asked for more details. He marched back to the blanket alone when it was clear Steve was going to humor TJ and not him. The last thing Bucky heard was Steve saying, “It was in Berlin right after Zemo.”

“Neither of you ever went into details.”

Steve released TJ, as he began explaining Bucky’s failed helicopter escape, and dragging him from the cockpit and out of the water. “I slung him over my shoulder, not sure how long he’d be out, or who I’d be facing when he regained consciousness.” To change the subject and lighten the mood, Steve hoisted TJ over his shoulder, to adamant protests and a lot of wriggling, “ _He_ was a lot less squirmy.”

“ _I’m_ not unconscious!” TJ objected, laughing and pushing against Steve’s back muscles, although not entirely convincingly. “Put me down.”

They were both laughing when Steve obliged, releasing TJ on the blanket in front of Bucky. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself, don’t smile at me like that.” Bucky grumbled up at Steve.

“What?” TJ joined Steve in smiling at Bucky, he reached for Bucky’s hand, “He just told me a little story. I knew about the basics, just not the damsel in distress part.”

“Shut up.” Bucky rolled his eyes, tossing his head. “I can’t believe either of you.”

TJ crawled up to Bucky, looking him in the eye, “believe it. C’mon, are you ok?”

“I’m not used to my nefarious past being casual conversation, and I’m not thrilled with the way I panic when the mere thought of you drowning creeps in and takes hold every time you get a surprise dunking.”

“Teasing you doesn’t help either.” TJ sat back on his knees, taking Bucky’s hands in his, “You didn’t overcompensate this time, that’s good.”

“You’re placating me.” Bucky let a smile soften his features, “don’t do that.”

Steve flopped next to them, “wanna explain what’s happening here?”

“I had a _surprise dunking_ when we were at the beach last spring,” TJ started.

“When we were kids and you were pulled under? I couldn’t get to you and that fisherman dragged you out? Then the helicarrier in DC…” Bucky trailed off.

“Triggered panic and fear.” Steve finished, drawing in the sand that was stuck to Bucky’s leg, “Ok, I get it.”

“I really panicked last year, dramatically carrying TJ back to shore. He teased me out of it, _gently_.”

“I’m glad that’s how you remember it. I didn’t understand, and I was a little scared of how upset you were. I just wanted to make that fear _go away_.”

“So, we’re done?”

“No.” Bucky withdrew one hand from TJ’s to brush Steve’s hair aside, “we go back out. No letting fear get the best of me.”

“It’s getting dark.” TJ turned around and put his head in Bucky’s lap, lying across the blanket next to Steve, “We can go back out tomorrow. Tonight, one of you needs to light the bonfire.”

“I’ll do it. Don’t want to sacrifice your pillow.” Steve teased as he pushed up from the blanket. “No placing bets on how long it takes.”

“Would we do that?” Bucky teased, soothing himself by pulling his fingers through TJ’s hair.

“You would.” Steve tossed over his shoulder.

“We would.” TJ agreed. He looked up at Bucky and quietly said, “hey.”

“Hey.” Bucky smiled, “I’m ok.”

“Yeah? I’m glad.”

“Found something else to talk to the therapist about.”

“You did?” TJ watched Bucky with a tender smile.

“I have no right to ask either of you not to talk about things that involve me. I just need to figure out how to deal with it.”

“It’s not easy having your less than stellar moments being part of casual conversation. I promise you something. We’re not judging. I know that’s how it feels _to me_ when my past becomes the discussion topic. I can’t say that’s what _you’re_ feeling, but…”

“You’re close.” Bucky interrupted. “Best explanation going, I’d guess.”

“But not the same.” TJ rolled onto his stomach. Bucky stretched out next to him.

“Doesn’t have to be the same, you relate to me well enough.”

They turned their attention to Steve, lying on their stomachs, propped up on bent arms, as they watched him light the fire. “He’s so pretty.” TJ said with a grin.

“Yeah, always has been.” Bucky agreed. “I’m not sure he knows it yet.”

“Knows his way around a fire too. I say we keep him.”

Bucky laughed, he leaned against TJ “We’re keeping him. I’d like to say something about him bungling campfires, but I just can’t. We used to do this going way back. Quick, hide his sketchbook.”

“Why?” TJ looked from Bucky to the book in question, and then to Steve, who was crouched on the opposite side of the fire, adding wood. Steve looked up and smiled. Oblivious to what TJ thought might be the start of a prank.

“He used to burn the ones he hated.”

TJ swiped the sketchbook and stuffed it under his leg as he sat up. “Not these days he’s not gonna.”

“Exactly.” Bucky rolled over and put his head on TJ’s leg. “You’re a very patient man TJ.”

“I’m far from patient.” TJ’s thumb stroked Bucky’s jaw. “Why do you say so?”

“I’m paranoid and you just put up with me.”

“I love you. You have every right to your paranoia and everything else. It’s not hurting anyone.”

“Except me.” Bucky looked up at TJ.

“Not even that, you’re getting help with the hard stuff. You had a much smaller mood-swing after the panic. Look at you. you’re glowing in the firelight.”

“You’re just afflicted with love-blindness.” Bucky murmured against TJ’s thigh. He closed his eyes, listening to the surf and the crackle of the fire. He heard the pattern of Steve’s footsteps as he approached.

“Asleep already?” Steve’s voice was soft, in the event that was the case.

“Nope. Trying not to wallow, and enjoying my senses. TJ’s touch, the breeze and the heat combo along with the sounds. Shh. Listen.” Bucky reached in Steve’s direction without opening his eyes.

Steve took his hand before sitting next to him, “Ok. Wallowing. What’s that all about?”

“Random mood swings.” Bucky looked up at Steve. “Following the panic that didn’t take hold. You know, when I marched away like a chastised six year old?”

“Oh, ok.” Steve nodded, smiling indulgently. “I thought that was my area of expertise.”

Bucky busted up, sitting up quickly. Laughing. “Oh god.” He finally said after a bout of laughter that had TJ and Steve looking at each other wondering if they should be concerned, and then laughing carefully along with him. “Oh hell. Yeah.” Bucky leaned against Steve. “You’re right.”

TJ stretched his legs out in front of him, brushing against Bucky’s leg. He leaned toward Steve with a sneaky smile, “Do tell.”

“Was there one thing?” Bucky asked.

“Oh god no.” Steve laughed. “You should know that. There were _so many_ nights that _this one_ wanted to go dancing, I didn’t. Guess who tagged along anyway? Disappointing the girl Buck got to agree to tag along so that _his_ date of choice could leave the house.”

“ _You_ disappointed them by not dancing with them, mister “ _right person_ ”.”

“I’m pretty sure the disappointment was when we picked them up, long before a dancefloor was in sight.”

“So he’d sulk in his seat, nursing his drink, while we danced.” Bucky shook his head in disagreement with Steve’s comment, “I tried to drag him out onto the dancefloor, but he’d shrug me off _so slick_.”

Steve feigned a dramatic cough that brought back real memories for Bucky, of his multitude of asthma attacks. “I could fake ‘em, but there were times I did such a good job they wound up the real deal.”

“Fucker ruined a few dates that way. You sure you weren’t keyed into your feelings then?”

“Pretty sure.” Steve nodded.

TJ wasn’t sure he was convinced at Steve’s answer. He knew that ‘um maybe I’m mistaken’ tone well.

“That wasn’t the only way he got out. He had a keen eye, for a nearsighted cuss. He knew how to spot a troublemaker from way back. Shoulda gotten a good number of dames for the rescues he mustered.”

“I might have called those bums out, but I didn’t make much of an impression by being tossed around the back alley. It wasn’t for recognition anyway, a man doesn’t treat anyone that way. ‘Specially not a gal half his size.”

“See what you’ve signed on for?” Bucky stood up and walked toward the fire.

“Yeah.” TJ nodded, winking at Steve, “He’s not only pretty, he’s a really good guy.”

“Pretty huh?” Steve smiled. Bucky would bet he even blushed.

“He’s anglin’ for compliments now, you never should have said anything.” Bucky said over his shoulder as he set up the chairs they’d brought.

Steve stood up and pulled TJ up when he accepted his hand. “You know I’d never. You trust me TJ?”

“With my life, his, and with the dogs. Not sure about the compliments angling thing.” TJ grinned before kissing Steve and wrapping his arms around Steve’s waist. “In the grand scheme of things, I’d say I have my priorities straight. I’ll compliment you any day.”

“You’re being disgusting again.” Bucky called from his chair in front of the fire. “Bring some of that over here.”

“I was about to say.” TJ teased, “You’ve never had a problem with it before.”

TJ eschewed the low slung portable beach chair that Bucky had set up for him, opting instead to sit between Bucky’s legs, on the sand in front of him. Bucky automatically began rubbing TJ’s neck and shoulders. “You built a good fire Stevie.” Bucky brushed his leg against Steve’s. The second Steve smiled, Bucky muttered, “pyro.”

TJ laughed, dropping his head into Bucky’s lap. “You’re such an ass.”

“He is isn’t he?” Steve asked, not bothering to mask the humor in his voice. He scooted his chair closer to Bucky’s, and leaned against Bucky’s shoulder.

“You two just go on with your taunts, call me names and snuggle up to me at the same time. I know how you really feel.”

TJ shifted his position between Bucky’s legs turning to look at both Steve and Bucky, “This is good.” He sighed.

Surrounded by the love and protection of his _husbands_ , Bucky found it easy to relax out in the open, on the beach. He curled TJ’s hair around his finger, and rubbed circles on Steve’s thigh simultaneously.

TJ looked up at Bucky and tapped his thigh, “Hey, wanna trade spots?”

“You sure? You look comfortable.”

“My turn.” TJ smiled, “I’ve slouched across you enough.”

“Never.” Bucky objected, not moving, except to put his arm across Steve’s shoulders and hug him closer. “B’sides you’re asking me to dislodge Stevie here.”

“Ok, suit yourself.” TJ’s cheek pressed against Bucky’s thigh as he got even more comfortable lying in the warm sand. “I’m gonna get used to it, and y’ll have to wake me when you’re ready to go inside.”

“You’re not too heavy to carry in.” Steve challenged, “We won’t have to wake you.”

“Is it bad that I find that a little romantic?” TJ brushed sand from Steve’s leg, “If you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“Of course you will.” Steve grinned.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this is it! I can't believe I'm posting the last chapter, thank you for coming along on this ride!

“October 27, 2022. Our adoption finalization date is October 27th.” TJ read and repeated the date with the paper shaking in his hand. He waved it toward Bucky who was holding their small, sleeping daughter. Almost-daughter. Soon to be officially theirs.

Steve took the paper from TJ when he held it out, “Look at this.” He showed the paper to Bucky. “She’s almost official.”

“My three dads.” TJ mused. “Three Men and a Baby.”

“You’re not going to make us watch that again are you?” Bucky asked as little Sarah Margaret Barnes-Hammond stirred in her sleep, pushing her soft, dimpled hand into her rosebud lips.

“I might, with that attitude.” TJ kissed the top of Bucky’s head as he sat on the sofa cradling the baby after changing her, “October 27, what is that, five weeks away?”

“Safe to say we can decide on her Halloween costume now.” Steve winked at TJ from across the room as he sank to his knees on the floor to stroke “Peggy’s” curls. “Pumpkins are boring.”

“Ok. Who mentioned pumpkins? I was thinking we should dress her as you.” Bucky side-eyed Steve, “Put a little tiny cap suit on her, with a stuffed shield pillow.”

“I saw the cutest cephalopod costume.” TJ interjected, “She’d just be a little wiggly plush.”

“You know we aren’t adopting her to make her a plaything right?” Bucky laughed, having practiced quiet laughter in the first month of Peggy’s residence.

“No, but we might as well entertain ourselves while we can.” TJ brushed his hand through Bucky’s hair as he sat down next to him. “Did you three have a good day while I was at work?”

“Steve got a few more inches of that masterpiece colored in. Pegs did a little time in the swing, and you’re forgetting the boys. They both had a nice run at the dog park.”

TJ put one hand on Dom’s back as he slept on the sofa next to him, “I could never forget my first children. There’s no way this one is sleeping this soundly without having at least one run with each of you.”

 Bucky handed the baby to TJ, kissing him and then her, “I should get going. Tomorrow everyone is off, right?”

“I’m thinking about doing more work from home so that we won’t have too many of these opposing schedules.” TJ kissed Bucky back, “Yes, I’m off tomorrow, did you have plans?”

“Spending time with you both. Steve knows all the answers to any questions you might have, but if you want to call or text me at work, being a boss has its perks.”

“This new partnership has some of the employees talking. If only they realized that the DC partners love you more than they love me, possibly more than I love you.”

“That’s bullshit.” Bucky smiled, pushing himself from the sofa, “Off to make money and brownie points. Stevie, take care of our little family.”

“I wanted to go out partying.” Steve pouted.

“Yeah, cos you do that so often.” Bucky hooked his arm around Steve’s neck, hugging tight before kissing him on the side of the head. “If you decide to be completely out of character, make sure you have enough fun for the three of us.”

“I think TJ and I are going to do some research and watch Three Men and a Baby.”

“Ok.” Bucky shook his head as he grabbed his leather jacket. “I’m so sorry Pegs, you’re just too little for me to smuggle into the club.”

“It’s a _good movie_.” TJ objected, laughing as Bucky rolled his eyes, disappearing quietly out the door. “It’s hard making a bold statement when you can’t yank the door closed behind you.”

Steve slid into the warm spot Bucky had vacated on the couch next to TJ, laughing. “We’re all getting good at adapting to stealthier comebacks.”

“Did she eat well today?” TJ snuggled Peggy’s baby soft skin to his cheek, kissing her plump fingers and her soft button nose.

“She has been. She just ate about twenty minutes ago, and fell asleep just before you got home.” Steve picked up the adoption notification letter, “5 weeks.”

“Excited?” TJ snuggled under Steve’s arm, shifting Peggy so that she slept in the crevice between their thighs.

“I’m terrified and thrilled.”

“I still wish we could figure out a better way to make things legal.”

“TJ, we’ve been married for _just over_ five years. The law doesn’t recognize it, but there’s nothing different about how you and I are family versus how you and Bucky are. The same goes for Peggy. The “what if” argument isn’t even an issue, because I’m named as her guardian “if” something happens. As soon as we know she can’t be taken from our home, she’s mine. Just as much as she’s yours.”

“We could see about third parent adoption in one of the states where it’s legal.”

“We could do that.” Steve kissed TJ’s cheek, “But for right now, I stand by my words. I love that you’re always looking out for me and my psyche.”

“Ok, fine. I feel like I won the lottery and in the process I took everything from you.”

“Sounds like a therapist topic.” Steve’s smile was tender. He stroked Peggy’s closed fist, marveling at the size, shape and smoothness of her tiny hand. “I’m her Dad. We’re her dads TJ.”

…

Bucky woke to the soft sounds that his daughter typically made when she roused – the sweet gurgling sounds that meant she wasn’t going to exercise her lungs just yet. As expected, just like every day, Eddie’s head poked over the edge of the bed. Eddie was Bucky’s fulltime service dog now, staying home only when Bucky went to work. “I know pal, she’s gonna start singing soon, that means breakfast. Probably should give you breakfast first.”

“Too late.” TJ smiled from the doorway. “Dogs have been fed. I’m about to start work, but if you want me to get Pegs first I can.”

“What I want is a kiss good morning.” Bucky looked around with a stretch as TJ approached the bed, “Is Steve out with Dom?”

“Yeah, they left for a run about an hour ago. Listen to our girl.” TJ’s lips turned up into a soft smile just before he knelt on the mattress to press a tender kiss on Bucky’s mouth. “You want me to start her morning?”

Bucky’s hand smoothed over TJ’s warm skin, he could feel his pulse as his fingers traveled over TJ’s neck, Peggy was quietly ‘singing’ baby sounds, “I wanna ‘nother kiss.” Bucky pulled TJ to him. “Just kiss me.”

TJ pressed his chest to Bucky’s lying across him as they made out lazily. “It’s terrible that you’re such a bad influence.” TJ moaned. “The one downfall to working from home.”

“The good news about that is about 70% of your work is waiting for calls or emailed replies. You’re just waiting for confirmation on those acts you’ve been trying to book, but you’ve found an entertaining way to wait. Entertainment manager.”

“You’re the worst,” TJ laughed. “but I like your style. I should just let you encourage me to be the laziest, but I’m trying to get a few things buttoned up so we can have tomorrow work free. Adoption day.”

Bucky traced the side of TJ’s mouth with his thumb, enjoying the smile that lit up TJ’s face when he said “adoption day.”

“Of course we _need_ tomorrow work-free because _Adoption Day_ doesn’t come without _family plans_.” TJ groaned, pushing up and sitting at Bucky’s side.

“She’s a very lucky girl.” Bucky reminded TJ. “Her grandparents, her _only grandparents_ have finally realized our family isn’t so odd after all, and they love her. All that any of our chosen family want is to welcome her with as much splendor and celebration as she deserves.”

“You do realize that we have to endure _An Event_ right?”

“You mean another _holiday?_ Only **the best** holiday? They’ve all wanted to celebrate Peggy since we brought her home, you know, like we did with Douglas and Anne’s twins, and their third kid. We put them off _in case_ something fell through.” Bucky crawled across TJ’s legs, “I’m gonna go get the little songbird now. Come on Eddie, let’s go say good morning to the princess.”

TJ watched Bucky as he left the room – still naked – and smiled. There would be a day when they would have to start using their pajama pants, just not yet. He pushed up from the bed and hiked his jeans up. He left the bedroom and wandered through the kitchen of their Brooklyn Brownstone into his office. He pulled up the work interface for The Dome’s New York sister club, a business venture that had been his and Bucky’s idea two years ago when Steve and Bucky were both starting to feel the pull to get back to the city.

He was buried in emails, documents to sign and return or send out for signatures, when the light coming through the doorway was obscured. TJ looked up to see Bucky – now wearing pants – holding their three-month-old daughter. He leaned one hip against the doorjamb and they both watched as Eddie walked past Bucky and planted himself halfway between TJ and Bucky on the floor of the office. TJ smiled and went back to his email.

“Look Pegs, Dada is working very hard. Doing all the fun stuff. Leaving your dad to deal with the grueling kitchen responsibilities.”

“You have it so tough, Soft Dad. Look at you, snuggling my baby girl in your lazy pants. You didn’t even run a comb through your hair, mister responsibility.”

Bucky laughed as he wandered across the room to the cozy sofa. “Mind if we soak up your sunlight?”

“Any time sweetheart. Before you get too comfortable, bring that baby over here first.”

Bucky aborted his move to sit down and obeyed the request. TJ peppered Peggy’s cheeks with kisses before reaching for Bucky’s cheek. He closed his eyes as TJ stroked his hair, playfully finger-combing it, before kissing him. “I love you.” Bucky muttered happily.

“I love you too. You can change the music if you want. I’ve got a bunch of auditions to listen to on my headphones.”

“You could share with the room, you won’t hear any complaints from us.” Bucky said from across the room, lying across the sofa with Peggy on his chest, “Whichever works best.”

TJ worked through his emails while the files played throughout the room, he looked up a couple of times to see what appeared to be Bucky sleeping with the baby on his chest, but the way his hand moved over her back, TJ was sure he was just quietly absorbing the amazing feeling of that level of closeness.

Eddie’s head perked up and seconds later, TJ heard the keys in the door. He looked up to see Steve drop Dom’s leash into the basket. When Steve looked through the double-wide doorway, TJ touched a finger to his lips. Dom came jingling through the door, he nuzzled TJ before walking around to sniff at Bucky and Peggy.

Bucky opened his eyes, scratching Dom’s ear, “good boy, go lay down with Eddie.”

“You two have a good run?” TJ asked as Steve sat at the end of the sofa, putting Bucky’s feet on his thighs.

“Yeah. It’s a bit chilly out, but it made for a good run.”

“Too cold for me to take the bike?” Bucky peered over Peggy’s black curls to gauge Steve’s response.

“No, it’s warming up, I don’t think we’re getting rain until tomorrow.” Steve leaned across the length of Bucky’s leg and took Peggy’s foot in his hand. “When did she wake up?”

“It’s been about an hour and a half, right TJ?”

TJ looked at the clock on his monitor, “Close yeah.”

“She had breakfast, and has been doing her best to put me to sleep with her soft breathing.”

“You can’t have that.” Steve straightened up and took the baby from Bucky. “Since you’ve got to start getting ready for work.”

“Bossy.” Bucky groaned, swinging his legs over the edge of the sofa and sitting up.

Eddie looked up, content to follow Bucky to the shower if he wanted him to, or stay in the middle of the room if ordered. Bucky quirked his head and Eddie followed him out of the office.

“I don’t think I ever asked,” Steve said quietly, pausing to see if TJ heard and would respond.

“Asked what?” TJ looked across the room to see Steve cuddling Peggy. They all knew everyone recommended that she needed to be left alone, but they also knew – especially Steve and Bucky – that time was precious. He knew Steve would set her in her crib or her swing when it was time for him to get back to his art.

“Was it hard giving Eddie to Bucky? I know you adopted him.”

“No. I couldn’t deny them, Eddie was a natural for Bucky long before his training as Bucky’s service dog. When we rescued him, they were afraid they’d have to destroy Eddie, he was so anxious and miserable, he was starting to withdraw and show aggressive tendencies. We got him in time, and Bucky worked with him as much as anybody. He was always been Bucky’s dog.”

“It’s comforting to see him come out of his shell with Eddie around.”

“Bucky’s office is almost finished, and then he’s going to be taking him a lot more.”

“Bucky said that they worked things out with the department of health, a separate entrance so that there wasn’t any contact with the food service areas?”

“Yeah, Bucky’s gonna have a pretty cool office, I’ll have to remind him that he mentioned he would share office space with me.”

“Since you two are business partners, it makes sense.” Steve stood up and carried Peggy into the other room with him. TJ watched as he cooed and teased as he put her into her swing “Let’s let Dada get back to work, You gonna be my muse today Peggy?”

TJ smiled as he went back to the emails, ‘Dada’. He wasn’t even sure how that came to be, or how it stuck. Because of something Bucky had said three months ago, he was forever going to be _Dada_ , while Bucky got _Dad_ , and Steve didn’t mind whether he was _Daddy_ or _Pop_. TJ didn’t mind either, especially the tender way it rolled off both Steve’s and Bucky’s tongues.

“Hey you.” TJ heard, realizing the music wasn’t playing anymore. He’d been distracted by the legalese of one of the contracts. He looked up, expecting to see Bucky in the doorway. Instead, he was sitting cross-legged in front of Peggy’s swing. “You gonna give your Dad some kisses before work? Do I have to steal kisses Pegs?”

TJ smiled and pushed away from his desk. He was reminded again how much he loved the layout of their home. With the double French doors of his office open, he could see Steve painting at the window on the opposite end of the floor, and he could see everything in the space between, today that meant Bucky sweet talking their daughter. Sometimes, though, he just needed to be closer to the action.

Bucky looked up when he heard TJ’s approach. TJ put his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and crouched behind him, kissing his neck and inhaling his just showered, spicy scent. “Do _I_ have to steal kisses?”

“Ok, point taken, kisses are freely given in this house.” Bucky leaned forward to kiss Peggy’s pudgy cheek and TJ followed, leaning on Bucky’s back.

“You should stay home.” TJ moaned into Bucky’s neck, “The place can dissolve into chaos, and we can just snuggle all day.”

“You wish.”

TJ could feel Bucky’s chuckle rumble through his body. “I do,” TJ pouted, leaning harder on Bucky’s back. “I bet we could even convince Steve to join us.”

“Steve has a painting to finish.” Bucky argued, looking toward the window.

TJ looked too, watching Steve put brush to canvas. There was definitely a sign that he was considering their discussion.

“You don’t want the place to dissolve into chaos,” Steve’s pragmatic answer was still unconvincing.

TJ pulled Bucky’s long hair into a ponytail held by his hand, “Come on, I call an emergency partner meeting. We can fudge together some kind of BS to send down to DC if anybody asks what the emergency is, we can just tell them we were ironing out the plan for this week while we’re out. We can still answer calls if we get any.”

“You’re the worst enabler, always have been.” Bucky reached over his shoulder, wrapping his arm around TJ’s neck from behind.

“Have I told you how much I love that your hair is long again? I always have loved this length. I don’t miss the beard though, but if you feel a need.”

“Distractions.” Bucky smiled. “I said I wasn’t gonna cut it until we had our child.”

“Have you considered postponing your barber visit? It’s so luxurious.” TJ kissed Bucky’s neck next to where his hair was still secured in his hand. “What do you think Steve?”

“I think it’s Bucky’s hair,” Steve said around the paintbrush in his mouth, “If you want to cut it, or keep it long, Buck, I like it either way.”

“Doesn’t give you flashbacks to when you first saw me again?” Bucky tilted his head and TJ took advantage, kissing his neck repeatedly.

“No,” Steve pulled the brush from between his teeth and laughed, “not at all. It was really this long when you and TJ met?”

“It’s a little longer.” TJ used Bucky’s shoulders to push to his feet. “You're not moving very quickly, did I succeed in keeping you home?”

“I think – between looking at this sweet face and all of the affection you’re showering on me – I could be convinced.”

“Your call. I am an adult with a child, so I _can_ let you go.” TJ held his hand out to help Bucky to his feet, “I don’t want to be a bad influence.”

“Yeah you do.” Bucky grinned as he brushed the legs of his jeans to straighten them. “Am I right Stevie?”

“Don’t rope me in on this. Once I get this part done I have a class to take and one to teach. I’ll miss out on whatever shenanigans you two have planned.”

“Is art school anything like Avenger training?” TJ asked as he approached the window where Steve was working on a large canvas.

“Sometimes it is.” Steve grinned. “Of course it’s safer.”

“Well I like that perk.” TJ wrapped his arms around Steve’s middle from behind, starting the same neck-kissing he had been doing with Bucky. “At least you’re off this week. We can plan our own shenanigans.”

“I can’t wait.” Steve set his brush down after cleaning it, then put his hands on TJ’s “Since you’re both going to pretend to work from home today, you’re free to play something while I clean up my mess. Would you play for me TJ?”

“I’ll have you know we’re not pretending at all, we’re going to work really hard for as long as it takes to get out of working. If I put my mind to it, I could convince you to get a sub too.”

“But you won’t because my students need me today.”

“They need you every day.” TJ said as he nibbled the ticklish spot on Steve’s neck. “Doesn’t mean they can’t make do. I’ll play for you if you stay home…”

“Watch out Steve,” Bucky called from the kitchen, “you know he’s very good at what he does.”

“Oh, I know.” Steve swiveled his chair, locking TJ between his knees and crossing his calves to keep him there. “He’s really good about being a distraction, a bad influence, and a menace.”

“I’m a menace? I’m not the one imprisoning an innocent man.” TJ called across the space to Bucky, “Talk to your _other_ husband.”

“You?” Steve kissed TJ quickly, pulling out of the kiss before TJ could capture his lip between his teeth. “You’re far from innocent.”

“You love that about me.”

“I don’t want to interrupt the lovefest or anything,” Bucky started, now in the kitchen looking through the refrigerator, “but who – besides Pegs and the boys – has eaten breakfast?”

“Peggy, that’s your new band name, Pegs and the Boys.” TJ smiled, having extricated himself from Steve after ransoming his freedom with kisses, he stroked Peggy’s ebony curls on his way to the kitchen. “Count me in for whatever you’re fixing.”

“And me,” Steve called out. “Let me know when it’s time to set the table and I’ll come over and do that.”

“Have I told you how much I love that you’ve revived the ‘dining at a table’ aspect of living?” Bucky smiled, “One of the best things to happen to me – besides TJ himself – was when TJ bought and assembled a table for me.”

“I noticed you managed to have one in Bucharest and I also noticed how you’ve preferred to set out a full place setting while TJ and I were lounging on the couch with our plates in our hands. It didn’t take much to realize what you needed. Besides, we have to teach Peggy proper table manners if she’s going to be growing up around the random foreign dignitary every time she sees her grandmother.”

“I’m offended.” TJ glared at Steve. “She’s definitely not going to be entertaining foreign dignitaries.”

“What if she wants to?” Bucky asked quietly with a look that was clearly meant to instigate something.

“She can do whatever she wants. She’s three months old, she has absolutely no reason to need table manners just yet.”

“No, but she’ll be learning from the examples we set,” Steve teased, “it’ll come more natural to her.”

“You’re giving me shit, but you’re right. I hate when you do that.”

“You know,” Bucky started, chewing on a piece of bell pepper, “of the three of us, you’re much more refined. How is it you’re the one arguing?”

“State dinners. Foreign dignitaries. I don’t care a lick for any of that.” TJ grabbed a piece of pepper before Bucky could. “Was it your intention to punctuate your comment by talking with your mouth full?”

“Seems to me you’re _really_ good at that yourself.”

“Now we could put that to the test, but you did say something about fixing breakfast.”

TJ heard Steve laugh, watched Bucky try not to, and felt incredibly proud of himself.

“Seems to me you could be put to work doing something.” Bucky said, as he washed his hands.

“I’m way ahead of you. Shove over, share the space.” TJ started gathering ingredients. “Pancakes ok?”

“Mm-hmm.” Steve hummed around his paintbrush. “Please.”

Steve watched TJ and Bucky work together in the kitchen. It was almost like a dance. Truth be told, he rather liked watching them dance together too. He cleaned the last of his brushes, only halfway listening to their banter. His ears were trained on Peggy and her soft ‘I’m awake again’ sounds.

As soon as his brushes were clean, Steve went into the bathroom to wash his hands, so he could pick up the baby. When he came out of the quarter-bath, he saw Dom sitting on the perimeter of the kitchen, watching Bucky work with the food, hoping for dropped scraps. Eddie was lying near the island, paying attention to Bucky, for an entirely different reason. He did spare Steve a glance when he picked Peggy up from her swing, before returning his full attention to Bucky.

“Seems Peggy’s an extension of you Buck. Eddie’s keeping an eye on who’s doing what with our girl.”

Bucky looked up to see Steve cradling Peggy against his chest. “Thought you said something about setting the table?”

“I can do that.” Steve pulled flatware from the drawer, still carefully supporting Peggy’s head against the pillow that was his pectoral muscle.

TJ pulled out plates and set them across the island where Steve could reach them, and watched with the usual awe as his large husband gently handled his tiny daughter while skillfully setting the table.

“TJ,” Bucky hip checked TJ out of his reverie, “Sweetheart, you’re distracted. Your batter’s getting’ away from you.”

TJ looked at the griddle, the Super Soldier sized pancake that formed while he watched domestic perfection instead of where he was pouring the batter. Defeated by both superhero husbands, TJ grinned. “Yeah, one of you’ll eat it.”

“True. What will you eat?” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple, “They are a sight, aren’t they?”

“That baby with either of you is a sight.”

“You’re no slouch yourself,” Steve grinned from the other side of the island, “however, right now, I can’t wait it see you salvage that monster flapjack.”

“Oh shut it.” TJ laughed at himself, and at Steve. “I’ll manage.”

“So, TJ. I’ve been thinking about it, and I was almost swayed. You came _this close_ ,” Steve pinched his fingers together, “but I’m gonna let you and Bucky have the morning together. It’s just two classes, and I’ll be home before you know it.”

“I’m not gonna argue,” TJ glanced up at Steve, smiling still, “but, you’ll be missed.”

“Buck?” Steve looked wary.

“Yeah?” Bucky smirked.

“He’s giving in too easily, what’s going on?”

“You're not as easily swayed by TJ’s skills as I am. He knows it. If you’ve considered all sides, he doesn’t have another argument. I never get that far. Come on, five years and you haven’t figured that out?”

“I _usually_ give in,” Steve laughed. He looked at Peggy who was looking intently at him, “that’s right Doll, I usually give in to your Dada.”

“I just know when I’m beat.” TJ shrugged. “If Peggy can’t convince you to stay home, I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh.” Steve half chuckled. “I see your ploy now. How did I miss that?”

“You don’t think that I’m low enough to stoop to using an infant to get what I want.” TJ flipped the giant pancake and the more normal sized ones. “You’re wrong of course.”

Bucky snaked an arm around TJ’s waist, kissing his neck loudly, “You’re gonna have to give this one to Steve, sweetheart, I don’t think he’s staying home this time.”

“Yeah, I gathered that.” TJ leaned against Bucky, grinning across the island at Steve. “He’s unflappable.”

“Not entirely, but I know you’re in good company, and I know my students need me. I really don’t want to have to make up my own class either. Sometimes we do what we don’t want to do, for the greater good.”

“Your captain is showing. I kinda love when you do that.”

Bucky grunted something as he returned to his portion of the breakfast.

“What was that?” Steve asked.

“None of _your_ business.” Bucky teased.

“I couldn’t make it all out,” TJ chuckled, piling the pancakes onto a plate in the oven. “Relatively sure it’s something about your amazing skills and tenacity.”

Bucky laughed, “What I said was that you’ve always been a righteous shithead. The captain’s bars came later.”

“The table’s set if you’re done roasting me and can pay attention to your eggs.”

…

“What is that baby wearing?” Margaret asked TJ and Steve as the group dispersed, she’d arrived late to the courtroom. She was too late for greetings, but the important thing was that she was there in time to see the adoption of her great-granddaughter finalized. Now she was asking the important questions.

From where he sat feeding Peggy on the bench, Bucky set her bottle down and held her up for Maggie to see that she was dressed in a tutu skirt in a rainbow of primary colors, and a onesie that had an admittedly graphically challenged message embroidered in matching rainbow colors “Move out of the way ★ we have papers to sign ★ It’s adoption day!” He grinned proudly as Margaret’s smile softened.

“We’ll be by the house in time for dinner.” Elaine hugged TJ and then Steve, she kissed Peggy’s curls and gave Bucky’s arm a gentle squeeze, “I’m sorry I have to rush.”

“It’s ok, we’re glad you could be here.” TJ was used to the always on the go nature of his mother’s personality. Even though she was no longer president, she always needed to fill her time with some kind of political business. Currently she was vying for an appointment on the supreme court. “Promise you’ll make it to dinner?”

“I’ll be there.” Elaine nodded before pulling TJ into another tight hug, “I’m so happy for you TJ.”

“Me too Momma.”

TJ watched his mother walk out of the courtroom and the rest of TJ’s family followed; leaving their friends – extended family – to follow them from the courthouse. Lee wrapped an arm around Bucky’s waist, Natasha walked between Steve and TJ, and Sam talked animatedly to Peggy.

“You want to carry her?” Bucky asked with raised brows, “you two seem to have a great rapport. Must be the shared love of shiny things.”

“She’s the shiniest of all the things.” Sam said in an adorable and annoying voice as he relieved Bucky of the baby girl. “Aren’t you sweet Peggy? What’s all this I hear about your dad being my sister’s new favorite person anyway?”

TJ laughed at the accusatory look Sam shot Bucky. “She’s been sharing videos with Bucky. After the barbecue where _you_ introduced us to your family, remember when the two of them were hogging Peggy? Well, I guess they started out doing the usual baby thing, and then started talking about her hair. Ever since then, Bucky’s been hoarding videos and tutorials for natural hair. Your sister’s a blessing, and I’m sorry she was too busy to make it this morning, but I'm glad to hear she’ll be here in time for dinner.”

“Yeah, and now it all makes sense. Yeah Pegs, it makes sense now baby girl.” Sam continued to croon as the group boarded the elevator.

“Natasha come get your bird.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Bucky…” Lee teasingly started to reprimand him, laughing too hard to continue.

“Hey,” Nat shrugged, “he’s been dying to see his Lastochka.”

The two commiserated in Russian for a few, before Nat moved around Steve to where Sam was still playing smitten. “She _is_ too pretty for you three. Maybe she should come home with us.”

“I’m tellin’ you, I’ve been asking you for stealthy ways to steal her.” Sam winked.

“Maybe it’s time you two considered adopting your own Lastochka.” Steve used his ‘commander’ voice.

“Ooh, it’s working.” Nat chuckled, wrapping her hands around Sam’s arm, “Peggy, your Pop is jealous now. How is it, Steve, that you named your child after your mother and your girlfriend?”

“I honored her with my mother’s name, and Peggy isn’t the _only_ Margaret in our lives, TJ’s wonderful grandmother who has been our champion, and TJ’s personal champion…”

“You leave him alone.” TJ was comfortable with Nat by now, enough to give her a little ribbing back, sometimes, “We encouraged Steve to give her whatever names he deemed appropriate, since we couldn’t give her his name legally.”

“Well you could. It would be an interesting middle name.” Nat smiled first at TJ, then at Peggy, before looking up at Steve. “So why the girlfriend’s name as a nickname?”

“I was going to call her Sarah but these two wouldn’t stop calling her Pegs.” Steve blushed.

“Bucky started it.” TJ cast blame like a six-year-old.

“She was looking back at me with those brown eyes, I couldn’t call her Sarah. She’s gonna be strong like both of them, but something about Miss Peggy here just reminds me of our Agent Carter.”

“She’s just the sweetest thing.” Lee added, “I’m so excited for you guys.”

“We’re glad you could come, it’s been too long since we saw you last.” Bucky hooked his arm through Lee’s.

“I know, but I’m here now. You wouldn’t wanna hire a girl would ya?”

“Are you serious?” Bucky looked at Lee, incredulous, “We would love to have you transfer up here, right Teej?”

“Shit yeah.” TJ held the elevator door as everybody filed out, “are you serious Lee? Please move to Brooklyn.”

“Is everything ok with you and Alec?” Steve asked, concerned.

“Yeah, of course. He’d follow me into the sun.” Lee teased. “Actually he’ll follow in December, getting things finished up at home. He was offered a mechanical design engineer position that begins in January.”

“Wow, Lee! That’s amazing.” TJ caught up to the group, “I’m sure you can stay with us until you can find something. As long as you don’t mind a little crying from time to time.”

“He’s talking about me.” Bucky winked, sliding an arm around TJ’s waist and then Lee’s. “The baby cries sometimes too.”

“I’m tempted to take you up on it. It would be easier to start working and be able to look for a place for us. I don’t want to get in the way.”

“Nonsense.” Natasha piped up, “They’ve been married five years, the honeymoon’s over now.”

“You – I said hush.” TJ grinned, “I’ll have you know I managed to coerce one of my husbands into staying home all day yesterday.”

“Not in front of the baby.” Sam squeaked.

“We were _with_ the baby.” Bucky laughed, following the group out to the waiting cars.

“Ok, anybody who is coming to the house, we’ll see you there, we have snacks.” TJ announced as everybody milled around. “Anybody else, we’ll see you there later for dinner.

“I’ll let Alec know he can meet us at your place as soon as he’s ready. He might want to head to the hotel first, I’m not sure. Matt and Carol are on his flight, so I’ll have him pass it along to them too.”

“I’ll leave Sam with you guys, because the only way to get the baby away from him now is if he gets to be in the same room.”

“Natasha!” Sam sounded dramatically wounded, then shrugged, “Ok, fine. I’ll see you later.”

“Do you have to go?” Steve asked as Nat headed to the car waiting for her.

“I want to do a couple of things and then I’ll be there. Don’t you worry, you owe me at least a couple more meals.”

“You know I owe you more than that.” Steve waved as she disappeared into the driver’s seat. “She’s not getting into trouble, is she Sam?”

Sam shrugged, before taking it upon himself to put Peggy into the car seat and strapping her in. He peered over his shoulder to see Steve standing beside the open car door, “Your guess is as good as mine. I don’t ask, and then I don’t get into trouble with her. On the flip side if I don’t ask, I don’t feel obligated to try to get involved.”

“Since when has that stopped you?” Steve chuckled, following Sam into the hired car.

“Since you came to your senses and settled down with these two.”

“Settled down? He’s roped me into several of _your_ escapades.” Bucky complained, bringing up the no less than six times they’d gone off to save a corner of the world and left TJ behind sweating bullets until they checked in.

“Yeah, several.” TJ’s insertion was more of a comma than an exclamation point. He laughed at how ineffective it sounded. “Ok, maybe I still hold a grudge at being left to sit in front of a news broadcast instead of being part of the action. I know, I know. What could a pianist do?”

At least his joke made everyone laugh.

“Just think TJ,” Lee put her hand on TJ’s knee in comfort, “next time, I’ll be here to watch the news with you.”

“Next time.” TJ rolled his eyes, he wasn’t even fooled by Art-Teacher Steve and Dad Bucky, he knew if the world, or more intimately, Sam or Nat, or any of their Avenger friends needed them, they’d screw up their courage and go. “I formally request that Natasha doesn’t go looking for any trouble, which one of you can send a text to that affect?”

Steve reached across and put his hand on TJ’s shoulder, “I’m on it sweetheart.” He reassured TJ as Bucky’s hand closed over TJ’s fingers.

…

TJ played the piano, watching with the most tender expression as Steve rocked Peggy. Bucky sat surrounded by the dogs on the sofa, with his laptop open, and notebooks stacked in front of him. He had recently started transferring his journals to digital copies, by typing every word, every missed punctuation, and every emotional memory, fractured or whole. TJ had offered to have the pages scanned, but Bucky had declined, he wanted to reread from the beginning, and swore this was a catharsis. Maybe it also had a little to do with being wary of losing the books.

TJ looked again,– Bucky was smiling as he wiped at tears – apparently, he’d reached a happy entry, or maybe he was recording today’s events.

“You ok Buck?” Steve asked in a soft ‘the baby’s sleeping’ voice.

“I just typed Pegs’ full name in here for the first time.” Bucky looked up from his computer with one of TJ’s favorite sappy smiles, “I guess I was waiting for it to be official.”

“It actually feels official now that the party’s over and we’re home together, now that everybody’s gone off to their own beds in their own hotels.” TJ stopped playing, moving toward the sofa, "Dom - scoot over" he whispered.

Dom looked up at TJ before shuffling to the end of the couch. TJ gave his leg a pat before sitting next to Bucky on the sofa. TJ curled up against Bucky's side and let Bucky drape his arm over his shoulders. “Do you feel like a ‘Dad’ now?”

“I don’t know? Is that a feeling? I would kill for her, I’d die for her.”

“I think that’s about right.” TJ hugged Bucky. “Cos I feel the same. Not a lot of people I’d kill for, and I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“My love.” Bucky kissed TJ’s temple. “You leave that to me. You be the soft, musical Dada, and I’ll be the hard and unyielding protective Dad. Stevie over there can be the artsy, stubborn, righteous Pop.”

Steve quietly got up from the rocker. Eddie looked from Bucky to Steve before climbing down from the sofa and laying across Bucky's feet. Steve chuckled at the predictable move as he sat on Bucky’s left side, TJ moved Bucky’s laptop to the coffee table and Steve placed the soundly sleeping baby in it’s spot. “No more talking of dying and killing. Just love and softness. Parenthood is about knowing you’ll do the right things, not worrying over such nonsense.”

“You can’t call it nonsense Stevie.”

“You’re worried about things in your past, not her future.” Steve linked his fingers with Bucky’s metal ones. “We’re just fine Bucky. She’s protected.”

“That she is.” TJ agreed. “She’s loved.”

“We all are.” Bucky smiled, “welcome to the family Sarah Margaret Barnes-Hammond. There’s a Rogers in there too babydoll.”

“Too long.” Steve chuckled, tracing the chub of Peggy’s cheek and then settling his hand on Bucky’s thigh. “Promise me, both of you, that you’ll let this worry about my name, my _legal claim_ as her father, drop. The four of us are as much a family as the three of us have been. Laws won’t change overnight. Besides, we’re happy.”

“We are that Stevie.” Bucky kissed Steve tenderly.

“I promise to do my best,” TJ put his hand on Steve’s, “I know we’re a family in every way it counts.”

"Peggy, you're a lucky girl." Steve smiled a dopey smile. "But your three dads are even luckier that you're here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from what I can tell, Lastochka = (little swallow - a bird) and is (by the [source](http://little-details.livejournal.com/2306757.html)) an endearment. I thought the bird reference was appropriate. ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Please take a moment and let me know what you think - comments are inspirational :)


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